Guilt

[Sparkly]

Many days, I feel awful for feeling awful. I feel weak for being weak. I feel wrong for having something wrong with me.

I've felt guilt for incapacity, and have apologized for whining that I'm tired, things hurt, I need to rest, or even plainly that I have other, important priorities right now. The more time passes, the more I want to hoard my time, and the more I feel guilt for it.

On the other side, I feel guilt for people mourning the death they know is coming, and the knowing they will live without me. I'm seeking support to get through this -- because surely this must be normal? Like, I feel badly to see the people around me in pain because I am going to die, and they will have to adjust and live without me, and what will next year be like if I don't make it that far, etc...

Don't get me wrong -- I love how much they love me! But on another level, I feel I'm letting them down, somehow. It doesn't have to be rational -- it just is. I can't be the only one who's felt this way, so if anyone knows of a book, a group, anything helpful about this, I'd really appreciate it! Thanks in advance.

[niyad]

1. I wish I had some truly helpful answers, or at least suggestions, for you,

but all I can offer is hugggggs. Holding you and your family in love and light. Your DU family is here for you. Lean as hard as you need.

[Sparkly]

2. That is exactly what I need -- thank you!

[niyad]

3. You are most welcome. I am often up late ( this is not late), if you need

an ear.

[blm]

4. I felt similar with my family after my heart episode

Comforted by the support and love, but, feeling guilty about the inevitable burdens.
Day by day.
You are loved.

[Sparkly]

7. Thank you.

[Frasier Balzov]

5. Please don't feel guilty.

We all end up the same place.

We're all following right behind you.

You have the luxury of goodbyes. Many of us won't.

[Sparkly]

8. That perspective is reality, as well.

Thanks, Frasier! I've often wondered which is easier, both for the dying and for the survivors. My father died in 2001 after a long, slow illness. My mother died in 2002, in a shocking manner -- just alive and then dead, but she was 11 years younger!

I will certainly go much younger than she did, even - and yet... Maybe this is just about right for me. Enough time, and not too much.

[PikaBlue]

6. Some Thoughts

My daughter went through this and continues to have occasional bouts of guilt. She was diagnosed with a very rare type of cancer two years ago. She feels guilty because her cancer took away her ability to have children, hence she feels guilty that I will have no grandchildren. She feels guilty because she is depressed and cross and not happy every time we are together. She feels guilty because we are the very last of our family - no siblings for either of us; grandparents, aunts, uncles all gone. She feels guilty that she may leave me all alone in my last years (I'm 72). None of the things she feels guilty about bother me in the least. What bothers me is that she wasted precious time on guilt. I gave her a project. I asked her to start a journal for me. I want her to write down her memories of our time together. Happy memories, sad memories, whatever impacted her. I am doing the same for her because it's possible I will be the first to go. My entries are relatively short but always end with telling her how much she means to me and how much faith I have in her to continue on her life's journey. I remind her that she is strong, smart, capable, kind, generous, and that however long or short her life may be, she has made a difference in this world. I know that her journal entries to me are very much the same. It's okay if you can't be there for your family right now. It's not your fault that you are working on the end of your journey. You can leave them with memories, wisdom, hope, confidence, laughter, and grateful tears that will strengthen them when you can no longer walk beside them. When my best friend of 55 years died, she selected a personal belonging for each of her family and friends. These were simple items, not anything expensive. In addition to the item, each of us received a letter in which she related what she most loved about us, how she felt we impacted her life, and, of course, what quirk of personality or habit we possessed that made her grit her teeth and bite her tongue. I read her letter many times each year, even though she has been gone for over a decade. Try not to focus on what you are unable to do for them now. Focus on what you can leave for them that will strengthen them and hold them up in the years to come. Leave something they can read over and over again knowing they will hear your voice as they read your messages. I send you much love and peace.

[Sparkly]

9. WOW - thank you so very much for this!!

I will save and treasure it.

Part of my worry (and reason for wanting support among terminally ill) is what to "leave behind" --- I worry that some things could seem creepy or upsetting or make people feel melancholy?

But your words are wise and beautiful. Thank you so much!!

[XanaDUer2]

10. I love you, Sparkly

That is all you're in my thoughts

[Sparkly]

12. I love you back

Just for saying that right now!

[Maraya1969]

11. I do not know if this is helpful at all but the process of my mom's

death was kind of wonderful when I look back. I had always been reserved around her because I was afraid of her criticism. After she had her stroke she couldn't talk anymore and so I started opening up to her. She didn't die for a few more years but I started talking to her a lot.

One day when she was in assisted living I decided to tell her all the good things I remembered about my childhood. Things like the vacations they took us on and the crafts my mom taught me. I remembered so many things and even though she could not talk she smiled; every time.

One thing I did not think of was to ask questions. Now I will think of something from the past and wish I could ask her more details. You can encourage your family to do that and it might be very nice.

It was an honor to take care of my mom in her last years. It certainly wasn't fun a lot but it left me with something special. Your loved ones will know that too.

[Sparkly]

13. I think I know what you mean

from losing my parents, and from the ways they lost theirs.

I'm grateful that my daughter is making a true effort to see me as often as she can lately, not for any "special reason," which makes it even better, in a way.

I will encourage her to ask me questions. (I'm left with many I wish I'd asked my parents, too!)

Thank you for sharing your experience and giving me that advice.

[purr-rat beauty]

14. I am so sorry this haunts you

I think with the time you have left with those you love, share your gratefulness, reassurances, love. Let them know that you need your time to cope with this as well. Nobody should feel guilt for their own mortality, this is not your fault. I hope you find the help and support you deserve.

[Sparkly]

15. Thank you.

You are exactly right. My daughter and distant loved ones are reaching out to me. I saw a quote recently from a Buddhist person, I think, suggesting that the people who love you are the ones who come when there's nothing left you can do for them -- that's my paraphrase.

[purr-rat beauty]

16. Checking in, how are you?

I hope you are doing ok and have shifted your thinking from the guilt, please give yourself grace.

[Sparkly]

17. Kind of you to ask, thank you.

Biding my time and doing okay for the moment.

[Lifeafter70]

18. I'm sorry you are feeling guilt for something you have no control over

My son expreses those same feelings. I let him talk because that is what he needs at that moment.
I'm grateful that I have will have more time with him. I'm sure your family feels the same and understands.

[NNadir]

19. When my father died, my stepmother said something that has always stuck with me.

She said, "I hope I loved him enough."

Those who live after you will suffer, surely, from guilt, particularly as you, although I don't know you, care for those who will live after you.

They may well wonder if they should have done this rather than that and go over and over what they might have done differently, not understanding that anything they do or say will always be wrong because nothing can ever be right about losing someone you love.

I was the one who broke the news to my father that he would not be cured because the rest of the family was in denial as was he. I vowed to be honest with him because of my acquiesce to the familial denial I knew was wrong when my mother was dying. (In my father's case, had a frank conversation with the oncologist based on my literature searches.) My guilt over my mother's case was somewhat assuaged when I realized I felt equally as bad about being honest with him as I did in lying to my mother and telling her we would beat it, although I alone in my family knew otherwise.

In these final days of your life, you are involved in love, and I hope, when my time comes as inevitably it will, I will have the wherewithal to be so myself.

I wish you peace.

[Sparkly]

21. Metformin

First, I'm so sorry about your Mom. It is NOT your fault!! Please do all you can for your own health.

There are a lot of studies showing Metformin as a virtual miracle drug for some cancers, in some cases, for some patients. I'd read about it on a cancer forum, looked up the studies, and sent links to my doctors. They wouldn't prescribe it for my cancer, and I don't fit the profile. On the contrary, I have tended to be 'under' weight if anything, and I've had trouble with hyPOglycemia... but there is commonality with high blood sugar.

If cancer is a metabolic disease (as it seems to be), hyPO and hyPERglycemia do the same thing, because in hypoglycemia, blood sugar spikes before it crashes. This is a problem I inherited that my mother, her brother, and all of my sisters have had to manage (although no doctors ever took it seriously because it isn't diabetes -- and by the way, we ALL got cancers of various kinds).

There is an herbal supplement - Berberine - that does much of what Metformin does, although it's tricky because I don't want to lower my blood sugar, but just level it.

Please check in soon and let us know how you are doing!!

[Sparkly]

23. I'm glad you are doing okay!

Optimism is good! And it sounds like continuing on in your work is a way of honoring your mom, for you. That might be an important connection even as you feel "remote" from other things, as you said.

Keep taking good care of yourself and check in!

[Laurelin]

25. Thanks for your post, Sparkly

I know I'm late. I missed it when you first posted. But it helps me right now. Sending all sorts of positive thoughts and prayers your way.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

26. (books) Ditch guilt. Replace with acceptance of reality, which does not mean giving up. It means better focus

It is not easy to stop indulging in guilt, especially unearned guilt.

But practice makes better (not perfect). Every time guilt comes up, say to yourself "Hello my old friend. Bye." and then move on. It will come back. Repeat yourself. Open a metaphorical window in your mind and let a metaphorical breeze blow it out. (Easy in my case: I just have to open my eyes and ears and a breeze wafts through ). The main thing is to not fight guilt (or other unwelcome emotions) but rather to let go of them. Yes, it is zen and yes it is worth studying a bit. Zen is easy and not easy. It is a philosophy, not a religion. It gets easier by trying. "There is no try. There is only do." Just do it, a bit at a time. Specifics are not important. Meditation is not necessary but helps.

PDF: https://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/zenmind.pdf (don't miss the fly) Suzuki Roshi said he loved the Americans' attitude because it was open and fresh. You might like to read the prologue, then skip section 1 (meditation) and read 2, Right Attitude, and 3, Right Understanding, first.
Audio Book:

(excerpt from prologue, emphasis added)

For Zen students the most important thing is not to be
dualistic. Our "original mind" includes everything within
itself. It is always rich and sufficient within itself. You should
not lose your self-sufficient state of mind. This does not mean
a closed mind, but actually an empty mind and a ready mind.
If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything; it is
open to everything. In the beginner's mind there are many
possibilities; in the expert's mind there are few.
P R O L O G U E 2 1
If you discriminate too much, you limit yourself. If you
are too demanding or too greedy, your mind is not rich and
self-sufficient. If we lose our original self-sufficient mind, we
will lose all precepts. When your mind becomes demanding,
when you long for something, you will end up violating your
own precepts: not to tell lies, not to steal, not to kill, not to
be immoral, and so forth. If you keep your original mind,
the precepts will keep themselves.
In the beginner's mind there is no thought, "I have at-
tained something." All self-centered thoughts limit our vast
mind. When we have no thought of achievement, no thought
of self, we are true beginners. Then we can really learn some-
thing. The beginner's mind is the mind of compassion. When
our mind is compassionate, it is boundless. Dogen-zenji, the
founder of our school, always emphasized how important it is
to resume our boundless original mind. Then we are always
true to ourselves, in sympathy with all beings, and can ac-
tually practice.

Thomas Hoover's book is another favourite of mine. It exposes you to zen by going through it's history in China ( "chan" ) and Japan. Well written with illustrative anecdotes. Available on line and in Kindle editions as well as books.
https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/34325