I'm so tired. May I talk?
I'm tired.
I'm fed up.
The 'catch-22' of life gets ever more sure.
Yes. The plague may color my mood, but is not the reason for it. It's just more background noise.
I feel selfish when so many others have it so much worse than I do. I am grateful things aren't worse. I look and try to figure out how one becomes such a victim in her own mind, and know somehow it must be my own damn fault. But this is mine, for what it's worth.
Only child of only children - no living family, my mom died suddenly when I was 18, father might as well have, too. He left with his parents after the service. It was my first time ever being truly alone. Five months later, he remarried to a gold-digger who was horrified to not even find a copper under the sofa cushion - although she managed to get the mobile home and everything in it when they split up after less than 6 months - all there was left of a child's memories, and all the cherished belongings, including my mother's and mine. Grow up, kid. Life will now have its way with you.
Skipping past the too many years of meeting brick walls, being pushed off cliffs, poverty, homelessness, undeserved violence - but a life always, ultimately, lived alone. It's the shell that forms when one has finally gotten it through one's thick head that reaching out in trust for help does nothing but get one hurt - physically, emotionally, mentally, financially. Giving in trust is even worse.
Later in life, I found my soulmate. We were as happy as we could be with each other. We were different than others, but it was us, insular but together. I've been a widow for 9 years now. While I know he didn't mean to, he left me, too.
So, alone again, and still. Hibernation and isolation are good. Except when they aren't.
So this is hard. Really hard. I don't know if I can do it.
Pah! Had a bunch of details here, but erased them. They don't matter unless someone needs to know. Just a bunch of self-pitying life story bullshit.
I have RA, hypertension, reactive asthma and mild COPD. All established and diagnosed, and mostly untreated. But over the last year, I've had developing heart trouble including chest pains and breathlessness, and a developing neuropathy that affects both feeling and mobility (don't know the cause, unless RA progression).
No insurance, no Medicaid in this state, ACA no help (don't make enough), not healthy enough to work anymore, can't afford to get care to get healthy enough to work. Can't get disability, too young for Medicare, yadda, yadda, yadda...
I am here because I am going to die. Yeah, yeah, born to die, I know. But I know Covid-19 will kill me when I get it. Period. And except for leaving my three spoiled four-footed feline overlords, I'm not sure how I feel about that.
But I also don't know what to say. Write, erase. Write, erase. Write for an hour, on a groove, read it, snort in disgust, and erase, again. How do you get it out when you can't get it out? When you're convinced that revealing need in any meaningful way will just get you hurt again?
Sigh. God, this is so negative. I'm not even sure what I hope to accomplish by posting this incomplete screed.
I'm not going to erase it this time.
= new reply since forum marked as read
As much as I can, I understand what you're going through. You've described it very well and it's horrifying.
I'm glad you posted it. As you can now see, there is nearly always someone here, someone who listens.
And that is so important. Someone who listens.
Perhaps you could find a therapist who charges on a sliding scale to listen? They do exist; I've used them.
In any event, do keep writing your thoughts down. There are many helpful people here who might be able to help you.
It's hard to write certain things.
With a friend in front of you, the stuff spills out and it's out there, no quickly erasing it to hide it again.
I was always the listener, the sage, the advisor - because I could always help someone else before I could help myself. And that was OK - I derived joy in making someone else happy. They came back for more, and so I was useful.
It seems like I've lost some of that part of me, in some ways, yet I cry constantly at the injustice of it all, for so very many.
But if I may, it sounds like you have little in the way of 'roots' in the state you live in ... any chance you can scrape up enough to make a fresh start in a less-backwards state? One that DOES have Medicaid, specifically?
I don't know your whole story of course but given what you've shared, it seems the most logical avenue if you can possibly pull it off?
Take care, stay home and you won't get COVID-19.
We're here for you 
Mulled 'round and 'round, ideas written and burned. It's completely logical, but no matter which way it goes, I just don't have the financial resources to do it. I couldn't support myself once I got there.
I'm blessed to have a roof, food for me and the cats, and the ability to reach out into the world of... here.
Thank you.
And this is only one part of why my heart continues to break. I can't help anyone. I often can't walk across the room without losing breath. It takes a plan to go to the mailbox, taking my phone with me and a stick for balance, and breathing down the chest pain when I get back.
A feeling of hopelessness, helplessness, and negativity surrounds my psyche. It is black and red and even white-hot, zig-zagging even as a lightning bolt throws itself at its foe. But there is no foe. The foe is me.
It is the law here, too. The ER will see me, stabilize me if necessary, and refer me to a cardiologist who will not see me since I cannot hope to pay. I've been lucky enough thus far not to have been taken to the ER. Probably should have gone, more than once, but managed to muddle through.
I am speaking with financial counselors at a local teaching hospital. That's why I had to apply for Medicaid even though we both knew I wouldn't qualify. Long before Covid arrived, I was trying to put something in place, but it's kind of blown out of the water for the foreseeable future.
One of the things that rolls around in my head: my father died of heart disease. Quintuple bypass, twice - widow-makers, twice. Lucky to have been alive as long as he was. Still got him in the end.
Anyway, you are not being harsh. I speak just as frankly with myself if not more so. Thank you for caring.
and feeling this way is not good..there must be some advocacy groups in your state that will lend an ear, suggestions for your situation..you must reach out..as you have done here..mr Lebowski makes a great suggestion..change to another state with Medicaid..services that will benefit you..call your state offices..there must be some resources they could refer you to..
I can hear how proud an individual you are...I just hope you reach out...we are here too..
Thank you. It's hard.
others, now, it is your turn.. you deserve it!!
Mostly drained, oddly. Opening up is hard and it took a lot more out of me than anticipated. Thank you sooo much for asking.
OMG, fresh bread sounds so good! My bread skills stop at beer bread and buttermilk biscuits. I do love to cook, at least what I can handle, and Penzeys spices are my best friend. With just me here I don't do as much, but I do cook what I like. Especially now, I'm pretty good at "concocting" something out of a strange combination of ingredients as I look at the open cabinet.
No chance for either one right now - can't get any flour, I had to settle for Crisco, which I don't care what anybody says, just isn't what it used to be. I miss being able to get good lard for the best biscuits, too. Can't get butter (or even margarine) either.
We'll see what manages to arrive today. I'm due a delivery in a couple hours (I ordered last Thursday and this was the first available slot). It was a big order, but I expect at least half to get knocked off of it. If it all comes, I'll be working for a couple of hours to figure out where to put it! But I wouldn't need another delivery for probably 3 weeks or more...
Big, big HUG!
I don't use much at all, but had to settle for a store brand organic cane sugar a couple of weeks ago. Kinda light tan in color. It tastes a little molassassy (is that a word?), but for just the tip of the spoon in coffee sometimes, I can adjust. It was twice the price, though...
I am nervous how my iced tea will take it. When I do sweeten my tea, I use about a half cup per gallon, so maybe it'll be OK. Dilution does have its benefits.
Fifty pounds of flour would last me the rest of my life, and whoever is responsible for the cleanup after I die would be trying to figure out what to do with the rest of it! 
Please, please stay safe!
One of the things that makes me worry so much for everybody is that while this plague continues to attack, we're going to have all the "normal" stuff: tornadoes, forest fires, floods and mudslides, hurricanes, etc. All will produce people needing help from already over-taxed systems and people. All requiring even more people risking exposure in order to help others, and they will do it because that's what they do.
Do you have a shelter of your own?
had a couple of tough years, end of a long marriage, loss of my sister, and a list of petty health issues that all flared up at the same time.
last year, esp, seemed like i crawled through it on my hands and knees.
i managed to chew through the onion to get the health issues under control.
got my head meds tuned up, and i am doing much better.
but i spent a whole lot of that year barely keeping my critters alive. i spend most of the day curled up on my bed w my 2 big dogs. it seemed like a waste, but it gave me as much peace as anything every has.
i made a point of patting myself on the back for what i DID get done.
and i made a point of forgiving myself for what i didnt get done. told myself over and over that i could do what i could do, and that was just what it is.
acceptance. and gratitude, esp for those dogs.
as i started feeling better, i discovered that the acceptance had taken root.
i am more able to take pride in my accomplishments.
i feel competent when i look around my little farm, and my chores just arent as heavy now.
i hope you can find healing, dear.
if you think life might work out better somewhere else, find a way. sell whatever you can, pack what you really need, and go.
when you get there, you will have done a huge thing. so you will know you can still di huge things. maybe that will convince you of your worth.
keep writing. i dont think you should erase it, tho. if it isnt right, start over. do it till it feels right. dont judge, just write. judgement is for editors.
always available in here.
Maybe that is what I need.
I've never been particularly demonstrative, even been accused of being stand-offish. But once I get to know and trust somebody, I'm more comfortable with them in the "personal space" surrounding. More "normal" if you will.
Isolating as I have isn't conducive to getting to know and trust anyone, is it? I know that - the isolation is just another layer of the walls.
I appreciate you.
Hugs to you, and thankfulness the other side was there for you.
I too feel like curling up in a ball, wailing for my mommy!
Alternately, a big family can be much the same.
Your story, and the stories and lives of others who have honored me enough to want to share, do give me gratitude for what I haven't suffered. Does that make sense?
"They" say you can't help anyone else if you can't help yourself. I don't believe that's true. Sometimes you just run out of juice. I used to be able to help, Friends swarmed at me all at once for counsel and guidance in their own lives, but I got overwhelmed, and then just withdrew completely and crawled into my cave as a confirmed recluse.
I've followed your story, and your farm, and your art, with interest.
I'm so happy you are now finding your piece of security... and peace. 
I wanted the perfect picture to be my thanks to you...
A reminder of the beauty in this world, given to us in purity and light...
It was a delight to open the page and find such a beautiful sight.
Warms and calms me at the same time.
Hope your search and eventually finding this brought you some moments of peace and calm...
Peace....
It is just heartbreaking, all you have, and continue to go through.
I wish I were in a position to help you in a tangible way. 💔
Can you at least get SSI? Have you called churches? Some have funds for such situations, although many might be tapped out with the pandemic.
The only things I have to offer are ideas & websites with self-help info.
Yale is offering their very popular course, "The Science of Happiness" for free at the link below. It's very good stuff - mindfulness, self-compassion, etc. Over 2 million people have taken this course & it has a 4.9 rating. I hope you find it helpful if you opt to try it. (It is absolutely free. There is a certificate program for professionals for which they carge a nominal fee, byt for us, it is free.)
https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being
Since you like to write to purge malignant menories abd frustrations, below is the benchmark in the psych world for journaling therapy. The research is all online & objective medical tests showed increased immune system (30%, if I am remembering correctly), decreade in depression & anxiety & improved grades for students. Here is the link:
https://www.journaling.com/articles/expressive-writing-a-tool-for-transformation-with-dr-james-pennebaker-ph-d/
I had seen a site with Dr. Pennebaker's research & a free book to read online about thos topic, but am having trouble finding it. I will keep hunting & post here if I find it.
Also, a psychologist posted tips on Instagram. Here is article link about it:
https://www.localmemphis.com/mobile/article/news/health/psychologist-starts-instagram-series-regarding-mental-health-and-well-being-during-covid-19/522-238d7d80-def2-409d-b440-2c0e09ccf027
Info on mindfulness;
https://www.mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started/
Info on self-compassion:
https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/
I hope these rwsources are helpful in some way to you.
Thank you - I appreciate your help.
There is so much out there that just makes us feel even worse. So often we are left adrift. "Well, yeah, there really must be something wrong with you. Here are the answers, you're just too dense, too self-absorbed, too blind to figure it out." These are the thoughts that ramble through the disorganization of pain.
I hear you loud & clear about judgmental aholes. 🤬
Along with self-compassion comes the notion that this society is addicted to perfection. Who or what is perfect? 
In fact, there is a book by that title: "Addiction to Perfection," by Marion Woodman, a wonderful feminist author. This is not an easy read. What I mean by this is that it's the type of book that you can read most paragraphs or pages over & over for days & continue to learn from it. It's based on Jungian psychogy, which is psychospiritually based . 😁 My fav. LOL
Another quick, easy thing you can do is to start a gratitude journal. To do so, write down 3 things you are grateful for just before going to sleep. # the items & add 3 things each nite, then reread the entire list before going to sleep. So on 1st night, #1, 2, 3. 2nd night you add 4, 5, &7 & so on. Because you will reread each night, its best to keep each entry to 1-2 words. Eg: You could probably write a lengthy paragraph about how nice bright, warm sunshine feels, but would you want to reread all that each night?
This is great to jumpstart a positive energy flow & lift one's spirits.
It's important to do just before going to sleep, because as we are falling asleep, our brains are reviewing what we learned during the day & encoding & storing memories.
I hope this helps. It is a popular life coaching skill. Entries can be anything: a cool drink of water, a new pair of shoelaces, etc. 👍
Feel free to pm if you wish to discuss further.
Hi Sunriser - I am still hunting for Dr. Pennebaker's book I had seen online for free.
I have found this journaling enrichment course for free:
https://twinstitute.net/
You have to scroll down to grt to this option.
I hope this is helpful to you.
I offer them humbly in hopes to ward off the fear shitler is creating & projecting onto our country. 
We all need to help each other
--I've benefited from talking it out with therapists over the years--glad you are not keeping it quiet
It can be hard to find the words to respond, and by the time we think we know them, so many others have already said it. I want you to know I was there for you, even though I had not spoken. I heard you.
Last edited Tue Apr 21, 2020, 03:20 PM - Edit history (1)
Almost sure... I can't find the pill anywhere...
He is looking at me wondering why I, his trusted chosen one, would want to torture him. He screamed and lashed out, of course, several times. I'm crying, sobbing really, both with frustration and with heartbreak that I cannot explain it to him.
I also truly am looking for bandages... I'm not at all good at this.
1) Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm while holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Retrieve spouse from outside.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and cheek and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot of scotch and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check record for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little ^@'s front legs to rear legs with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold cat's head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the ER. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give Your Dog A Pill
1) Wrap pill in bacon.
2) Toss it in the air.
One must laugh to keep from crying; humor has at least tried to peek out from under the bed.
I'm trying, ya'll, really I am!
