I'm not doing very well

[TrogL]

I've been avoiding joining this group but I have no other recourse.

I'm diagnosed bi-polar, rapid cycling with some obsessive-compulsive stuff as well. I'm on Divalproex, which I've been assured by bystanders is working. I've been grumbling about going off it because of the side effects, primarily diarrhea, but been threatened with mayhem if I do. Some of my doctors are dubious.

I don't have a full-time psychologist. The mental health system up here sucks so all the good doctors get qualified then run South to you guys. I get therapy through a clinic at the University, but every time I go back there's a different doctor so I have to start from scratch.

I'm some-wheres on the autistic spectrum, definitely not full-blown Aspergers but "there's some deficiencies". Regardless, it makes it difficult to meet people, keep relationships going, deal with family, deal with the medical community, deal with work. Fortunately I'm in a line of work where I can get away with a lot - I'm the token geek. Nevertheless, they're a social lot and I'm nervous about not fitting in. I was with the same employer for 26 years and suddenly terminated in a cost-cutting measure. They stressed that it was NOT performance based. A week later they sent my former job out to contract. I tried to sue, but couldn't afford the lawyer. I was fortunate to get another job right away in the same field, and when that fizzed, my current job. They do, however, have a high turnover rate here so I'm still a bit nervous.

You see, there's The Wall. Because I couldn't cope with all the social stuff going around me, I built a mammoth defensive mental infrastructure to keep the world out. Growing up, I was allowed to bury myself in books. My family considered themselves upper-class (which they weren't) and didn't mind that I didn't want to deal with ordinary people. There may even be some dissociation involved. It took me years and years to tear down the wall but people say I'm still hard to get to know.

I think the bi-polar, left long undiagnosed, has caused a lot of damage over the years. It was originally mis-diagosed as just depression and I was given a variety of meds, none of which worked. The side effects were horrific, including some brain damage, tardive dyskenesia and the loss of most of my teeth. Hence, I've give up all hope on SSRI's or their cousins. Paxil and Effexor were the last straws.

How it all evidences itself is something I call "running off the rails". Normal people, when something bad happens, get sad then bounce back. When something good happens, they get happy then return to midline. On "one of my bad days" (more about this in awhile), something bad happens like (literally) spilt milk which throws me off, then something else happens (often as a result of being "off&quot , then the whole thing comes crashing down and I'm a basket case. On the opposite extreme, I'm having an OK day, then I spot a book store and I like books and suddenly I'm delirious, walking out with bags of I can't afford and then I get home and feel bad about that, but then somebody wants to see the books and I go off on a half-hour rant about that, then realize people are staring and go crashing down so I come on DU to distract myself and find this really great thread and post a huge rant, then I get mad because one of the cats wants in my lap and the dog wants a walk, then I'm guilty because they haven't been walked and come crashing down, but then I take them for a walk and come back all energized and launch into a backyard project I've been working on but by the time I find all my tools and get part of it done, I need to go cook supper and it's a disaster as usual and I can't face doing the dishes and I can't face doing the cat litter and I can't face cleaning up the dog poop and I have no idea where to start cleaning up the mess in the living room (did I mention we're both hoarders?) so I turn on the TV and start watching a marathon of shows I've taped, then I'm up 'til 2 a.m., fall asleep on the couch to screaming nightmares and start all over again in three hours.

I'm also an alcoholic in AA. My life has been a wreckage of broken relationships, lost houses and financial problems that echo through to this day. I'd impulsive decide to take an almost-paid-for house, dump it for below market, buy another, unsuitable place that needed fixing up, then another vehicle to replace the last wreck I bought, over and over again.

I earn in the top 10% for this country but you wouldn't know it to look at my finances. My house was bought a few years ago on a shoe-string, then I had to sink a fortune into repairs, which still aren't finished. I got gypped by three contractors - two went out of business and I'm still dealing with the third. I had hoped to be able to do a lot of the work myself but got in over my head, yet another pipe dream ruined.

My wife (Craftygal) is in near total kidney failure and due to start dialysis month-end. It's been a nightmare trying to get her treated, deal with her depression and avoid her just giving up completely.

I've been sick since March. I've been bouncing between snow mold allergies, sinus infections, colds and flus. I can't remember the time I've been able to draw a proper breath. I'm a singer so this affects me greatly. I had an audition last week and hacked and coughed my way through it, barely able to croak. Fortunately I was able to sing again two days later and it was fine. I'll know if I got in on May 14th.

The kids (from a previous marriage), did NOT turn out the way I was expecting. Both girls got pregnant unexpectedly and had to drop out of school. One is going back but it's a rough go. My son is back in school but living out of a rehab half-way house.

You know what's kept me alive all these years? My music, especially Pink Floyd/Roger Waters. I lived a very sheltered life and wasn't allowed to listen to rock music, only the crap that passed for my parents music, jazz and classical. They had no idea I was listening to mind-blowing 20th century stuff like Stockhausen because I was doing it at the library until I bugged them to death for headphones. One fateful day I turned the dial on the radio to the rock station and heard my first rock song - Pink Floyd's "Money". I was ruined for life. It passed my "smell test" for good music because it used music concrete (the cash registers), was in a bizarre time signature (like the classical and jazz stuff) and the lyrics spoke to me about alienation and madness (when I got to hear the rest of the album). I started teaching a couple of months after Another Brick in the Wall hit the airwaves and the album was a life changer. It's become a full-blown obsession. Why is this an issue?

Roger Waters is bringing The Wall to town end of the month. I've got nearly front-row tickets that cost a small fortune. I saw the show in Vancouver but was way in the back and idiots were gabbing all around me. This time I hope it will be different. It's the one thing holding me together. With everything else going on; financial trouble (negative budget with no end in sight), health issues for both of us, family problems, house problems, car problems, weather issues, work issues - I have no idea what to do after that.

[Neoma]

1. Well...I can give you tips on the bipolar part.

I know this is going to sound really weird, but the thing that really helps me is making my bed every morning. This would probably really help considering you're hoarding/OCD. Because you know, therapists talk about baby steps a lot, and it's true. I mean, it's the same when you start reading a book. Have to start with page 1. So, if you like reading, just keep doing it. I have the same "problem" but it isn't that much of one in hindsight. I mean it's only 1,000 books on my end... Try using the library more.

The important thing is to live in the present. Focus on what you need to do TODAY, not tomorrow. But limit what you're doing to a certain time frame so that you don't do that throughout the night too.

Have you discovered NAMI yet?

[fizzgig]

2. welcome to our little group

i agree with what neoma said about worrying about taking baby steps and concentrating on today, rather than tomorrow.

i'm type II bipolar, fun with rapid cycles and mixed episodes. small things can just blow my day completely to hell sometimes. i know the overwhelming-ness (i am saying that's a word) of looking around the house and not knowing where the hell to start and not wanting to do any of it at all.

what helps me with that is basically a carrot and stick approach. if i do one bigger chore or a couple small ones - cleaning the clutter of the coffee table, tending the dishwasher and the dishes that need hand washed, a load of laundry, whatever -- i allow myself an equal amount of time, give or take, to do what i want to. wash, rinse, repeat. it does take a bit longer to get things done, but they're getting done. also don't try to do everything at once, do a bit each day.

another thing that helps me is planning. i'm not a fan of lists, but it always help me to run through what needs done out loud. if i can get everything that needs done straight in my head, then it feels much more manageable. i'm not much of a type a personality, but i can plan like a mofo.

the added factor of dealing with a spouse who is unwell makes it that much harder to deal with what you're going through, i know. my husband went through a nearly year long, very deep depression. all i could do most days was haul myself out of bed and go to work because i had no other choice. the house was a disaster, it was all i could do to make sure the cats got taken care of.

i've been on lamictal and trileptal for about 2 1/2 months now and they seem to be helping. a lot more stuff rolls off my back and even some big shit doesn't faze me now.

good luck to you

[mopinko]

3. welcome

i sure wouldn't have any guilt or anything about music. i have had some bad times where a short list in my headphones was something to hold onto.

and i totally know the whole off the rails bit. i had a spate of time when i was unemployed and the first thing i had to do every day was to scoop the poop in my dog run. at the time it was the most unbearable weight.
if the stuff that you are hoarding is worth anything, try to get rid of it. get an estate sale person in there, and sell, sell, sell. you will feel lighter. i know the feeling of being trapped in a "socially unacceptable" home. it is something that burned a hole in my self worth for a long time when my kids were small. (and their's too, no doubt.) i have a nice house now that is still messy, but not to where i wont let people in. it is something that is really right in the middle of it all for me. just something that popped out at me for that reason, i am sure.

and keep trying on the meds. it can take forever. i have a good ad, finally. it doesn't make me happy, but sure allows me to be happy about the good things that i have.

good luck. keep trying. kiss the grandkids.
and come back when you need us.

[TrogL]

4. A friend dropped by unexpectedly last night

Actually, I'd forgotten I'd invited him over. He noticed I was "off" so we ended up talking about bi-polar issues. Turns out he was a nurse, currently is a social worker, knows aaaaaaaaalllllll about bi-polar and was able to give some valuable suggestions and pointed out a few things I didn't know, for example my constant itchiness is a bi-polar side-effect, not an Aspie issue.

Turns out he's wanted to be good friends (read into that what you will) for a long time and didn't know how to approach me because of The Wall.

[TrogL]

7. My friend was over again last night

He helped me get most of my shed up that's been scattered all over my back yard. I had it partially up and a windstorm blew it down (and tore the screen door almost off its hinges) and I haven't had the time or been able to face fixing it. Now the frame is up except for the very front (need to re-jig it a bit) and it shouldn't take too much longer to put the rest of it together with two people doing it.

Felt good enough this morning to do dishes, which is an effort for me because I'm terrified of water.

[GreenPartyVoter]

5. I'm glad you were able to come in and open up. *hugs* I am also bipolar (2, in this case) and have

self-medicated with food for years. I also know about hoarding and not being able to face doing certain jobs around the house. I understand how very hard it is to get going with things like that. (And having the internet and TV and other pleasant distractions doesn't help me at all.)

I hope that the financial, health, and other issues can be resolved. Stress like that just doesn't help at all.

[Odin2005]

6. (((GOOD VIBES)))

[EFerrari]

8. Is there an update, TrogL?

Your fan club wants to know.

[TrogL]

9. I'm at a Lodge with friends

Spent the day in the sun

[EFerrari]

10. Sounds like a good program.

[TrogL]

11. Just found out the government thinks I owe over $20,000 in back taxes

Either my 2010 return was really messed up, or my former employer's screwing me over.

[elleng]

12. Get a tax lawyer.

Hand the stress and anxiety over to him/her.
They'll figure it out AND work on a deal with IRS, IF you owe.