coming out the other side of another trainwreck

[fizzgig]

well, last week was an incredibly fantastic week, but everything got ruined forever again earlier this week.

same basic shit, different stupid details. only this time it was exacerbated by my having to go off my meds for a couple days so we could address a rash i seemed to be developing on my arms. i've been on the lamictal for a two or three months now, but that's something that needs immediate attention. now, like everyone, i miss my meds every so often, but i hadn't missed them twice in a row before. well, that, in conjunction with very limited sleep the night before made for a very, very ugly scene tuesday morning and a nasty followup wednesday night.

he's finally talking to me today and while i heard the same (imo) bullshit excuses, i did hear a lot more recognition that he actually does go from calm to rage over really trivial shit. i've been trying to point that out to him for a long time, so i need to just continue being like water on stone.

the rash doesn't seem to be anything big and has been, until late last week, manifesting as what only seemed to be dry skin bumps on my elbows (it has been a miserably dry spring). that opinion changed when smaller bumps started spreading down my forearm. it's limited to that area and my doc isn't even sure that it's related to the meds, but we cut my dosage back. i'll give him an update next week and i'm in again in two weeks. i took him my last round of blood work yesterday and he's ordered a more comprehensive test of my thyroid levels; he sometimes uses (i think) synthetic thyroid hormone in treating bp2. i'm on the lower side of the wide window of acceptable levels, but he wants more of a breakdown.

big picture, out of my control shit has been getting to me lately, too. i'm feeling so much anxiety and uncertainty about the future. i can only change what i do, but it doesn't seem like that's going to make a shit of a difference. i'll keep on focusing on the micro and do my best for the macro.

but i'm still here, dusting myself off and ready to be in charge again.

[irisblue]

1. anxiety bites big big time

not much advice, but

[fizzgig]

4. thank you

it does bite, but at least it's subsided the last few days

[EFerrari]

2. After you dust yourself, remember to feed and water yourself

and maybe a hug wouldn't hurt, either.

[fizzgig]

5. i haven't been so hot on that

i'm usually not so good about that, but i've been worse than usual. have to get better at that.

[EFerrari]

7. I've been pretty terrible about it myself these last few years.

The sleeping thing is much better because between the melatonin and the light box and listening to book discussions before bed, I fall asleep and don't wake up evey two hours now. Eating is another story. I have to begin from scratch and put one thing in that is an improvment and wait for it to become a habit, then add one more thing. Big programs never work very well for me. Little changes work better.

[fizzgig]

8. i have to make little steps

it's too overwhelming to change everything all at once, it's like trying to clean the whole house at once.

the not eating much has gotten worse over the past few years, it just rarely strikes me that feeding myself should ever be any sort of priority, i can take care of myself after i've taken care of everything else.

my sister has been really wonderful helping me, i call her my food cheerleader.

i'm glad you're sleeping better. my biggest problem is my bed and there's no money for a new one new one. every time it seems like we were going to have enough, some damn thing happens.

[momto3]

3. Glad you made it to the other side.

[fizzgig]

6. thanks

hope things are ok for you