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Wed Jan 26, 2022, 09:24 AM

This may be it

I may well be done. Things are a disaster here. I won't go into details, but my mate and myself are now trapped in hell with a recently purchased vehicle that has now screwed up. I cannot work, and now he cannot get anywhere to work. We are in Minnesota. There is no 'walking to work'. If you have no car, you are nothing here. Plus, we got tricked into moving to a very bad part of town. (By this I mean an upper middle class part. A place where only those with good income can live. A place that defines the decadence of this nation. So, we are in enemy territory, for all intents and purposes.) I am tired of trying to survive in a place that does not want me to. I am tired and horrified of seeing my husband's face as he sits deflated in his chair. I cannot do anything. I paid for decades into SS and they told me to kiss off. (Since I can still lift more than two fingers, I must be able to go out and dig ditches, right?) To quote Lou Mae Farmer: I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. There is only one solution to this useless life. What is particularly upsetting is that this solution could be avoided if this country would stop with the global dick waving and start taking care of its citizens. But, there is no profit in helping people without massive fees, so no one will do it. No matter... only one person might miss me and he would be way better off with me gone.

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Arrow 85 replies Author Time Post
Reply This may be it (Original post)
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 OP
MyMission Jan 2022 #1
femmedem Jan 2022 #2
Bluethroughu Jan 2022 #3
blueinredohio Jan 2022 #14
PoindexterOglethorpe Jan 2022 #16
rsdsharp Jan 2022 #18
femmedem Jan 2022 #4
3Hotdogs Jan 2022 #5
femmedem Jan 2022 #8
chowder66 Jan 2022 #34
XanaDUer2 Jan 2022 #6
Wicked Blue Jan 2022 #7
Caliman73 Jan 2022 #9
kysrsoze Jan 2022 #15
LizBeth Jan 2022 #10
mahatmakanejeeves Jan 2022 #11
vanlassie Jan 2022 #12
Mz Pip Jan 2022 #13
XanaDUer2 Jan 2022 #21
mzmolly Jan 2022 #33
blm Jan 2022 #17
LoisB Jan 2022 #19
Ferryboat Jan 2022 #20
onecaliberal Jan 2022 #22
50 Shades Of Blue Jan 2022 #23
sinkingfeeling Jan 2022 #24
Baitball Blogger Jan 2022 #25
XanaDUer2 Jan 2022 #30
Baitball Blogger Jan 2022 #31
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #40
XanaDUer2 Jan 2022 #42
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #45
XanaDUer2 Jan 2022 #46
iemanja Jan 2022 #51
JanMichael Jan 2022 #57
thucythucy Jan 2022 #26
BlackSkimmer Jan 2022 #27
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #41
electric_blue68 Jan 2022 #28
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #43
cally Jan 2022 #29
mzmolly Jan 2022 #32
crickets Jan 2022 #35
budkin Jan 2022 #36
iemanja Jan 2022 #37
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #44
iemanja Jan 2022 #48
iemanja Jan 2022 #50
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #62
iemanja Jan 2022 #63
roamer65 Jan 2022 #38
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #39
electric_blue68 Jan 2022 #47
femmedem Jan 2022 #49
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #54
electric_blue68 Jan 2022 #52
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #53
femmedem Jan 2022 #55
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #64
Skittles Jan 2022 #56
hamsterjill Jan 2022 #58
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #65
hamsterjill Jan 2022 #66
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #68
hamsterjill Jan 2022 #69
electric_blue68 Jan 2022 #70
electric_blue68 Jan 2022 #67
berniesandersmittens Jan 2022 #59
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #61
vercetti2021 Jan 2022 #60
electric_blue68 Jan 2022 #71
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #72
electric_blue68 Jan 2022 #73
dixiechiken1 Feb 2022 #74
OldBaldy1701E Feb 2022 #75
dixiechiken1 Feb 2022 #76
TigressDem Feb 2022 #77
OldBaldy1701E Feb 2022 #78
TigressDem Feb 2022 #79
OldBaldy1701E Feb 2022 #80
TigressDem Feb 2022 #81
OldBaldy1701E Feb 2022 #82
TigressDem Feb 2022 #83
OldBaldy1701E Feb 2022 #84
TigressDem Mar 2022 #85

Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 09:35 AM

1. Please know you are not alone.

This information is pinned at the top of this group forum, for suicide prevention.
Please call them, or visit the website listed.

1 (800) 273-8255

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Sending healing vibes to you.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 09:38 AM

2. Speaking as someone who lost a fiance to suicide

I'm sure he thought I would be better off without me, but that was a tragic symptom of his hopelessness and depression. I'm sure the same is true for your mate, and that his grief would be unbearable considering that he, too, is already in a rough place.

Your position is very, very rough. I don't blame you for despairing. But you do have each other, and people can recover from homelessness, unemployment, lack of income. And many, many people are denied disability payments the first time they apply but ultimately are able to get them.

Please, please call a suicide prevention hotline. The national number is 800-273-8255. And here is Minnesota's suicide prevention information: https://namimn.org/education-and-public-awareness/suicide-prevention/

Please call. And then post here and let us know that you called. Please.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 09:42 AM

3. My uncle had to hire a Social Security disability attorney

And was told they automatically reject you the first time, then maybe the second rejection but the third time you will get it if warranted, and will give you back pay in lump some to pay for when you were technically disabled, leading to double digit check. A attorney will usually work for a % of that check so u don't have out of pocket costs.

Call the county and ask about a local ride program to get you through and if there are any grant programs available to fix your car.

Sometimes it's hard to deal with the cards your dealt, but you can get through this, my husband always says you can open any door, all you need is a little time and pressure.

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Response to Bluethroughu (Reply #3)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 01:48 PM

14. My sister had to do this.

It didn't cost anything up front but they take 30% when you get your back pay. Well worth it imo. You should also get back pay from the first time you filed. Hope this helps. Also a go fund me and make sure you post a link here so anyone who wants to give knows where to go. We do care! Let us know how you're doing.

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Response to Bluethroughu (Reply #3)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 01:54 PM

16. The do NOT automatically reject everyone the first time.

What people don't understand is the enormous amount of documentation to qualify.

I worked for a while for an SSDI appeals attorney, and I got to see what was required. And the attorneys will only take cases they feel very confident they can win.

There is an awful lot of information on line about applying for SSDI.

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Response to Bluethroughu (Reply #3)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 01:56 PM

18. I agree with this. My mother was initially rejected

as not disabled when she was paralyzed from the waist down. We kept trying, and my then law school professor helped. The OP might want to check with the local bar association. Often, they can find someone to handle the case pro bono. Another option would be Legal Aide.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 09:45 AM

4. Also, is your car fixable if you had the funds?

You might be able to raise what you need with a Go Fund Me.

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Response to femmedem (Reply #4)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 10:11 AM

5. Ie expect many DU's would contribute to a Go Fund

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Response to 3Hotdogs (Reply #5)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 01:30 PM

8. Me too. I would. n/t

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Response to femmedem (Reply #4)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 03:12 PM

34. +1

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 10:12 AM

6. I'm so sorry

I truly am. And mad. Mad that citizens of this shit country have to suffer like this.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 10:55 AM

7. Sending you my best DU vibes

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

and wishing you healing and help for your situation

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 01:40 PM

9. Set up a GoFundMe

I would be willing to spare a few dollars to help you fix your car.

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Response to Caliman73 (Reply #9)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 01:49 PM

15. A lot of us would be willing to help if you do a GoFundMe. It can really add up.

Don't despair - things will get easier, and your husband is SO much better off WITH you.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 01:41 PM

10. My mom wrote a note telling all of us we would be way better off. She was wrong.

Two decades later, so wrong.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 01:42 PM

11. What's the problem with the car?

I know, I'm missing the forest for the trees, but let's start with the small stuff.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 01:46 PM

12. (((HUGS)))

❤️

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 01:46 PM

13. You can appeal the SS.

My SIL is disabled and was rejected the first time. She got an attorney who does these appeals and won.

Itís pretty common that SS rejects applications the first time around.

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Response to Mz Pip (Reply #13)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 02:10 PM

21. I just got an attorney for my appeal

Signing my contracts Friday. We're taking a physical/ mental approach now. Here's hoping

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Response to Mz Pip (Reply #13)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 03:09 PM

33. Yes and with a win, get backpay

as I understand it.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 01:56 PM

17. Money is the smallest thing one can give, and sometimes it is everything.

The car has to get fixed. Set up a fund.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 02:05 PM

19. No one will be better off with you gone. You are needed. You must FIGHT for your benefits.

Make it your mission.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 02:07 PM

20. You are not alone

DU community cares, set up a fund.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 02:11 PM

22. No one would be better off. We will help you. Please set up go fund me.

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Response to onecaliberal (Reply #22)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 02:13 PM

23. +1

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 02:14 PM

24. Call 1--800-273-8255 and ask for help.

If you need free and confidential support call the
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK(8255)

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 02:15 PM

25. It's not a useless life.

I wish there was a way for progressives to really socialize so we can get over this feeling that we're all too isolated. I'm sure there are options you haven't considered to reach out for help in Minnesota. I hope a DUer who is more familiar with the area will contact you to help you.

Hang in there. We all care.

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Response to Baitball Blogger (Reply #25)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 02:53 PM

30. A giant DU meetup

I'm in a purple area. There are DUers in NC, but none I know are close.

Du helps me keep sane

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Response to XanaDUer2 (Reply #30)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 03:00 PM

31. DU keeps me sane too.

Someone I know said that I don't socialize like it's a definite character trait of mine. Maybe now it's true because of Covid. But before that, I tried to throw parties, hoping to find people who shared my world views.

Well, now I'm thinking, that there is no one out there my age that even comes close to following the same journey. And now that the US is going to shit, it's like we're all in the same room and they're just beginning to realize it's a slaughter house and we're Tyson chickens. And I'm like, fuck you all. I'm forty years ahead of you and saw this coming. Now I just want some serenity in my life. Time to bonsai.

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Response to XanaDUer2 (Reply #30)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 06:46 PM

40. I wish I was home.

I am from the NE corner... the Dismal as well as the Banks. (I refuse to use that abbreviation thing. They are the Outer Banks or just the Banks. Or, as my mother calls them on occasion... 'those sandbars'.) One thing is for sure, I really do not want to die up here on the tundra. I will need to make my way home for that. Looks like it will be on foot I guess. Might take a few weeks to get there. But, I do miss the Old North State. Badly.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #40)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 06:56 PM

42. My doctors here are great

I'm in SE NC. Maybe you can take baby steps. I think the go fund me for the car is a good way to start. Lots of generous DUers, and you could get that fixed. I don't think I could take Minnesota, frankly. For SSDI def get an attorney. I did that today.

We're here for you. You are valued. You matter

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Response to XanaDUer2 (Reply #42)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 07:08 PM

45. Ahh... I love Long Beach!

And Oak Island. I already did the whole attorney thing. Nine years ago. After three years I went before a judge with that attorney. The judge told me to get stuffed, just not that brazenly.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #45)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 07:10 PM

46. It's such bullshit

This lawyer is going mental and physical for me now. I'm so laser focused on my mental health, I didn't even think of my ortho problems

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #40)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 07:50 PM

51. Minnesota is a hard place for those not used to it

and the bitter cold is depressing. Eventually, it will thaw.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #40)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 09:41 PM

57. If you return to NC let me know.

I am very familiar with several housing authorities and other social services providers in the state.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 02:20 PM

26. Have you reached out to the disability community for help with Social Security?

Not knowing where you are in Minnesota I can't name a specific center, but you might start here:

https://mcil-mn.org/services/individual-advocacy/

Social Security--SSI or SSDI--is pretty much designed to be frustrating. As mentioned elsewhere on this thread, if they don't reject everyone the first time around, they come pretty damn close. The amount of paperwork and documentation required for a successful claim is obscene. This despite the bogus conservative myth that there's a huge amount of abuse. The truth is--the abuse is how many people need and deserve the services, but don't get them.

If the folks at this center can't help, I'm hoping they can direct you to someone who can. Minnesota has a reputation for having a really active and progressive disability rights community, so I'm hoping you'll be able to find someone to help you through the maze.

In the meantime, please try to hang in there. I attempted suicide when I was a teenager and came pretty close to succeeding (days in a coma, weeks in intensive care). The trauma I caused my family and loved ones haunts me still. I also hit my low point in the dead of a northern winter--the cold and the dark make everything worse. Being "sick and tired of being sick and tired"--yeah, I can definitely relate.

I can't from this distance offer anything like meaningful advice, except to say your husband no doubt needs you in ways you might not imagine or fully understand, being so far deep into depression as you seem to be. Reach out to him, reach out to others. There are people out there who will care. As for the rest of them: "Try not to let the bastards get you down."

Best wishes and please let us know how things go.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 02:27 PM

27. How did you get tricked into moving there?

A friend of mine is in a similar situation, except she thought it was a better part of town. It isnít.

Iíll tell her sheís not alone.

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Response to BlackSkimmer (Reply #27)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 06:55 PM

41. Because we were led to believe that it would be an 'all for one' scenario.

But, once we got here and lived here for a time, it became obvious that this person was not who he appeared to be. I knew he was well off, but I did not know he got that way by suing everyone in existence over his parents car accident. And this was after getting a big chunk due to it being an accidental death. He is no different than the orange gibbon except he constantly tries to convince people that he is liberal. He is a racist weasel who thought he was getting some new toys. When he figured out that was not going to happen, suddenly we were not worthy of his attention. He is my husband's friend. I was not involved until they started in on this 'move to Minnesota' thing. I did not want to go to such a cold area, nor did I want to get so far away from any 'backup' should things turn out as they have. But, he wanted to and it was either end a 15 year relationship or suppress my instincts and go with my beloved. YAY for choosing what I did!

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 02:34 PM

28. If you've cared for people, made them smile, comforted them - you are a useful person

I sometimes have struggled with the work = identity issue.

I know it can make you feel bad.


Maybe there's a free legal advocacy that helps with SS issues.
I know there's one here in NYC. I have urgent tasks that are time sensitive today. I can try to contact them tomorrow and see if they know anything about this kind of legal help in your State.

I, we care.

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Response to electric_blue68 (Reply #28)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 06:59 PM

43. I have no idea if I have done any of that.

I was led to believe that making a difference would register. Since I have never heard anyone tell me that, or even indicate that anything I did was a factor, I must assume I have never done anything worthwhile. Which is part and parcel to why I am where I am right now. All I have done in life was for nothing. All the benefits I played. All the free things I did in the name of community and humanity... pointless. All the accidents I ran towards as everyone else was running away. No one ever told me what I did was worth anything. Maybe if someone had, things might be different. I never did any of it for recognition, but that would have been nice at least once in a while.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 02:49 PM

29. You are loved and needed

It's rough times but there will be a way out. Set up a gofundme. The person you most love will be the one who suffers the most. I lost a relative to suicide and it still impacts me to this day. It's awful!

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 03:08 PM

32. Depression lies to you. Your mate is not better off without you.

Please seek help and fight for your SS with an attorney if need be.

I agree that a gofundme may be of help to you. There are many here willing to help.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 03:38 PM

35. OldBaldy1701E, you are not alone.

The mind gremlins are cruel and they lie to you, make you think that you're weak and friendless when it isn't true.

Your life is not useless. You are not useless, and more than one person, many more than you may realize, would be so saddened to lose you. You may not remember the time we chatted briefly about ST, but I do, and I immediately recognized your name and was so upset to know that you're this miserable. Please think about starting a gofundme to fix your car. There's already a line of people ready and willing to help and I'm one of them.

Gently: If your husband's face seems deflated now, imagine how deflated it would be if you were to go, leaving him all alone. Please. Don't leave this life. As dark as it seems now, there are other ways out of depression that don't take you from your loved ones. You can do this.

http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/minnesota-suicide-hotlines.html
https://mn.gov/dhs/partners-and-providers/policies-procedures/adult-mental-health/crisis-text-line/



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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 03:41 PM

36. Stay with us Baldy

You have a whole community of people here who can help. You are not alone, I promise!

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 03:47 PM

37. I'm in Minnesota and suffer from depression

Your situation is difficult, but you can pull through. If you are in Hennepin County, call COPE: 612-596-1223. They can help you get treatment, better housing, transportation, and they don't put you in the hospital. They sign you up for assistance so that you don't have any fees to pay. They literally saved my life at one point. If you are in Ramsey County, their mental health crisis line is: 651-266-7900.

ETA: I see from your profile that you are in Minneapolis. Please do call COPE. You won't regret it. They are super helpful. You can learn more about them here: https://www.healthyhennepin.org/stories/cope

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Response to iemanja (Reply #37)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 07:03 PM

44. They could not help because of our housing situation.

If we lived in a poorer part of town and not with someone wealthy, it might be different. We moved into a situation that was out of our league and now we are paying for it. We cannot move away because there is no where to go and no way to get there.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #44)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 07:29 PM

48. Did you already call them?

They could offer mental health support, and if you aren't able to pay your rent, you would qualify for housing benefits. When I called, I was staying with my brother in Edina--obviously a wealthy area.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #44)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 07:45 PM

50. I should add

They first put me in Nancy Page, a treatment center for mental illness. I then went to live in a large women's group home in North Minneapolis, a bad part of the northside. I also had treatment at HCMC. I was desperate, however, and needed any help I could get. Fortunately, I was able to get a job about three months later, the same job I have now, 13 years later.

If you do call COPE, be sure to tell them you are suicidal or having suicidal ideation. That will trigger resources.

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Response to iemanja (Reply #50)

Thu Jan 27, 2022, 09:33 AM

62. What that will 'trigger' is a SWAT team kicking in my door. (n/t)

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #62)

Thu Jan 27, 2022, 12:55 PM

63. Well, that's a different matter

but the services are available if you choose to use them. Your neighborhood doesn't matter, unless you have a high income.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 04:57 PM

38. Don't do anything rash, Baldy.

Get help. Talk to professionals as mentioned above by others.

Please.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 06:38 PM

39. UPDATE for those who might be interested.

It is difficult to remember everything that everyone has said here, so I will try to address it here and if I forget any of it, I will reply to the individual post. Firstly, I wish to point out that I do not feel alone. I do not think I am alone. What I am is done. I tried to have a life. I tried to have a career. Hell, I tried to have four different ones! All failed. All were a waste of time. Not for the others who profited from my efforts, but a waste of my time as I was seldom barely able to even survive. Am I bad with money? Of course. When one has no interest in it, and in fact feels it is part of the problem, one tends to not worry about that little green piece of paper. (Which makes me an atheist in more ways than one. I don't worship the 'green' god, so...) Doesn't matter. The game is rigged and regardless of the amounts I might make, I cannot have the life I wanted. Why bother when there is no hope for the life you wanted? Why bother when you tried for decades to make it happen, just to keep on failing?

Secondly, I will not do a gofundme or anything like that. I am not going to beg. I begged plenty over the years and it was demeaning and ultimately pointless. Being given a penny (and only a penny) when you need a dollar is insulting. I would rather the person shoot me than do that. It would be far more help than the penny. I started working when I was 12 years old. I PAID INTO AN ACCOUNT THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF ME WHEN THIS SHIT HAPPENED. I went through three years with an attorney to try and get it. NO DICE. I am not talking about filling out some papers and then sitting by the phone. I am talking three years of phone calls to the attorney, paperwork, denials and appeals, more paperwork, and finally a judge. He ruled no. I should have walked out of that building and blown my fucking head off on the sidewalk and then he might have seen the reality of the situation. But, I am a coward through and through. I cannot even take control of my own life for the moment it would take to end it. How pathetic is that? Also, we got tricked because we were led to believe that the person we moved in with was an adult, since he is around my age. He is a spoiled little rich boy. (Why he doesn't live in Edina I will never know.) We were led to believe that there were opportunities here that just do not exist. We were led to believe that there were things that I might be able to involve myself with. Nope. People around here are too stuck up to bother with new people. (I have had people literally run from me. This was before I had even walked in their direction. They looked, grabbed their little dogs, and ran away. Don't ask me why. I have no earthly idea. Judging from the reaction, one might surmise that freaking Thanos had landed in that park. I am sorry if I offend any Minnesotans here, but this is what I have dealt with since moving. As an astute person (not from here) once told me, "A Minnesotan will give you directions to anywhere but their house." It has proven to be so very true.)

Thirdly, I have tried all the 'hotlines' and 'help lines' and whatever. I have gone to the 'county' in three states for help, and each one was a disaster. Plenty of pills that rewired my head (and not in a good way) but no one to talk to. The one time I did get someone, he spent the first two sessions trying to convince me to go out and get a job so I could go to his private practice and pay him to do what he was supposed to be doing at that very moment. It was during the third one that I stood up, cussed him out, and left. That was 22 years ago.) Again, those are just 'feel good' spectacles so that the wealthy can feel as if they are 'doing something' while they step over our bodies to go into Neiman-Marcus. It is all a game. And, I am fucking tired of games. Thanks to being stupid and not putting my foot down, we are now in a situation where we live in a house with the owner. He is wealthy. Whenever you apply for aid of any kind, they ask about the household income. They specifically say everyone in the house, regardless of whether or not they are part of the application. We cannot move. We cannot get aid. I have nothing worth anything to anyone.

Lastly, regardless of where anyone stands on the issue, this country is about to fall into a mess. Social programs that were inadequate before are going to be nonexistent. The help I need is barely available (and only to some) as it is. Those things are going to dry up shortly. And, there are others who need help who would be a far better investment. It is reality. There was a time when I had a pair of rose-colored glasses. They broke long ago. I have nothing left to give. If anyone were to observe me for any length of time, you would see that this is the truth. This vehicle situation is just the latest in a lifetime of disasters. Now I sit here wishing I had been braver when I was a teen. Then, all this would not have happened. All the damage I have done in my life would not have happened. (I never wanted to damage anything. But, when one is cursed to failure as I am, it happens... regardless of what I may or may not have wanted.) As that movie line goes, "Are you a fighter, or are you food?" Well, I am food now. I probably always was, I was just too brainwashed to see it.

"Life is but a walking shadow. A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard... no more. It is a tale told by an idiot. Full of sound and fury... signifying nothing."

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #39)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 07:17 PM

47. To your reply back to me 1) you're a DU member so you've been helpful to us DU'rs!

even if people didn't acknowledge your help you
were helpful!


This depression is skewering with your self perceiption at least some!

Hang in there!

And the dpression is skewering how your husband
would feel! He'd probably'd be devastated!

You wouldn't want that...
right now be there for him
until you can be there for yourself!

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #39)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 07:33 PM

49. Dear, dear Baldy. Does your husband know you are so close to ending it?

I agree, you need someone to talk to. But maybe he is the person.

I share your anger that the cracks in the system are so large that even someone as creative and smart as you are (it's obvious from your writing) could fall through them and find yourself in this situation. And I find myself wondering if it would even be better to be briefly homeless so that you can get the aid you need and deserve.

The car, though. The Go Fund Me. I understand not wanting to beg. And yet, your husband or partner needs it as badly as you do, The car is your and his ticket to being able to sustain yourselves. Many, many people here would want to help. You wouldn't be begging. You would be asking. Here on DU, most of us believe we have a social contract with each other, and that those of us with something to spare should share it with those in need. We would be living our beliefs by helping to undo some of the inequality that we all abhor.

Worst case scenario: I have a dear friend who fell into a profound depression after his newlywed wife left him abruptly, taking their toddler daughter. He was catatonic with depression for more than a year. I think the only reason he didn't die by suicide was that his brother had hung himself and he saw the pain this caused his survivors. I didn't think my friend would ever return or be able to function. But when everything else failed, he had electroconvulsive therapy and he is back to normal: funny, smart, creative and connected again to friends and family. It's an extreme and scary thing, but it's an effective treatment for a life-threatening illness, which you have. It gave him his life back.

My point is that things can seem utterly, utterly hopeless, but they are not. As others have pointed out more eloquently than I can, that is only a thought generated by your depression.

One last question: when you reached out for help, did people know you are in imminent danger of ending your life? I want to believe that professionals would take that seriously. I have another friend who was literally on his way to drown himself but somehow he ended up getting inpatient treatment for a few weeks instead. Fast forward a few years and he is doing great: happy in his marriage, making enough money, even running for office with a decent chance of winning.

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Response to femmedem (Reply #49)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 08:13 PM

54. I used to believe in that social contract as well.

Until I realized that my name was always in the 'give' column.

It is not just the depression. I look where I am financially... socially... career-wise... this is all factual. Not hypothetical. I have nothing. I am nothing. No one depends on me for shit. I depend. I need. If no one was willing to help the (relatively speaking) healthy, able-to-return-the-favor me, why should anybody help the one that is only going to need more and more of it, without end? There is no way that I can cover what it is taking and is going to take to keep my decrepit ass alive anymore.

Of course they did not. I was an actor for 43 years. But, after three major failures, I know I am not capable of just doing it because I don't want it to be painful, and I doubt there is a way to die that is not painful. However, I feel enough darkness and despair may finally creep in that I might be able to overcome the survival instinct thing. Still weighing all the options of course. But, there are not many.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #39)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 07:55 PM

52. I believe femmedem has a good point... "am I not my brother's(& sister's) keeper?"

I remember a Quote

"Did you have fun, and did you help my children?"

I've had some great fun AND I've often done my best to help others.

People have helped me. I've helped others.


Let us lend you a hand.
(Autocorrect said 'lend you a band' can we send you a band 🙂 )

A bunch of us 'honor our social contract' as liberals, or progressives let us be a part to you.


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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #39)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 08:02 PM

53. I forgot to add

In regards to the gofundme thing, what I said has been my experience with the attempts in the past. I am not talking about the present.

And secondly, I appreciate your efforts and suggestions. It is nice to see.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #53)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 08:54 PM

55. I'm glad it helps a little to see so many people rooting for you and trying to help.

No one wants or expects anything in return. Imagine if you and your beloved's places were reversed, and you thought perhaps he would never work again or be able to contribute financially. You would do everything to save him without a thought of it ever being repaid, right?

It's hard to love yourself as you love him because of your depression, but you deserve the same love, and that is why so many people are trying to help you tonight.

I'm relieved that even though you are right on the edge, it sounds as if you aren't going to hurt yourself tonight.

Btw, when my fiance died by suicide I was thirty-five. The only reason I didn't kill myself too is that I knew how devastating it would be to my parents. So i didn't kill myself, but I didn't do anything to sustain myself either. I mean, I didn't eat for a month. I didn't know how I would survive each moment because the pain was so immense. But I would take a breath and say, "I survived that moment and this is as bad as it is going to get. I can survive the next moment, too." The loss will never go away, but I did reach the point where I was glad to be alive. And I still am.

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Response to femmedem (Reply #55)

Thu Jan 27, 2022, 01:46 PM

64. I am glad you mentioned that.

Yes, I understand that no one has said they expected anything in return. I have also been in this position before. And, I was told the same thing by a few that said they wanted to help. The thing is, despite that assurance, it turned out that there were indeed expectations. So, I have shied away from doing that ever since. I should be able to survive on my own. I should be able to access what I paid into so that I can do so. I should not have to beg.

I think it is wonderful that you are glad to be alive. I have not felt that way for over two decades, with the possible exception of the time I was working at the school.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #53)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 09:37 PM

56. please set up a gofundme

I will contribute!

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 09:46 PM

58. What's the issue with the car?

Iíll bet there are mechanics here on DU that might be able to give advice.

As someone upthread said - letís start small and just see what happens.

Look, these last two years have been absolute hell for a lot of us. I know Iíve been dragged to my knees several times. The hardest three words to uttter in the English language are ďI need helpĒ. Whatís really bad is when youíve mustered the strength to say those words, and thereís no one to hear.

Youíve basically uttered the phrase by your post. Good for you. Itís a step in the right direction. But now you owe US the opportunity to try to help. Donít give up on us until youíve given DU a chance.

Now, whatís going on with the car? Whatís it doing and why isnít it working? Starter? Transmission? What? Recently purchased? Any warranty? Any recalls on the vehicle?

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Response to hamsterjill (Reply #58)

Thu Jan 27, 2022, 02:27 PM

65. It was the starter. It failed.

So we had it replaced. The same problem happened the next day. Which said to me that it was not the starter, and that means there was a repair done that was maybe not necessary. And, that meant another tow. We had AAA or so we thought. Turns out it had run out and we did not know. So, he re-upped right then and there. They towed the car to our mechanic. When it died again, he called for another tow. They said that they did not have a record of his re-upping and they could do nothing until he spoke with some other department that would not be open for three hours from the time of the call. So, he had to sit there for three hours waiting for the tow. So much corporate bullshit. We bought it last year because my husband wanted to try his hand at Uber or Lyft. Well, the vehicle was 'too old'. (They demand a newer car, so that 2010 Santa Fe, regardless of how loaded and how clean it is, was unacceptable. And, this was during their major need for drivers. So, I guess they did not need them that badly. That is the newest care I have ever owned. And, I can tell you I have been in way worse Ubers before. But they were still within 5 years old, even they were trashed and beat up.) There is no warranty and we could not afford to get one. No recalls that I am aware of.

They have done the replacement starter. We will see how it acts tomorrow morning. This keeps happening after the vehicle has sat outside in the -15F weather. And, it has not done anything around me. My husband is a wonderful person but he is not a mechanic nor does he have any understanding of how it all works. If it starts, he drives it. I had to teach him how to change the oil in one car. He had never done it before. I could have possibly helped the mechanic with figuring it all out if I had been there to see/hear it/ But, it keeps happening while I am across town at home. But, we will see.

Everyone who has responded to my post has helped. I am not used to being helped. I am used to helping. When one spends all his time being the problem solver, one tends to deny other solving his/her own problems. I appreciate it. I feel it is a wasted effort, but I do appreciate it.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #65)

Thu Jan 27, 2022, 03:04 PM

66. Hee hee. Like you, I am female and know a little about cars

Any knowledge that I have comes from having ďgone through itĒ with one of mine. And Iíve had a lot of clunkers. You learn and you file that info away. You learn the noises and the creaks, etc.

I would imagine that the -15 degrees is having an impact! Thatís pretty damn miserable.

This may or may not mean anything to you, but as is MY practice (I donít push my beliefs on anyone), I have said a prayer for your situation, and especially for the immediate car problem.

Please keep the lines of communication open.

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Response to hamsterjill (Reply #66)

Fri Jan 28, 2022, 12:10 AM

68. Thank you very much.

However, there may have been some confusion here. I am a male.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #68)

Fri Jan 28, 2022, 06:31 AM

69. I'm an idiot!

Sorry. Hard to always tell gender, etc. when limited to words on a message board.

I think we all learn the quirks of our mechanical contraptions. I listen for sounds on anything that runs!

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #68)

Fri Jan 28, 2022, 06:52 PM

70. Got it. 👍 Keep hanging in there OB!

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #65)

Thu Jan 27, 2022, 04:20 PM

67. That sounds tricky with your car problem ...

How absolutely frustrating for you!

Checking in on you.

Please keep hanging in there, an day, an hour, a min at time.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Wed Jan 26, 2022, 09:56 PM

59. Please please stay with us

I have struggled with thoughts of suicide too. I've started going back to therapy and that really does help.

I can't tell you it's going to get better quickly....but it WILL get better.

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Response to berniesandersmittens (Reply #59)

Thu Jan 27, 2022, 09:25 AM

61. And, who is paying for it? (n/t)

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Thu Jan 27, 2022, 05:36 AM

60. I know what you're going through

I survived two attempts on my life and I just had to wane through the worst to finally love myself. I know this is a difficult time, but we are here for you. Don't give up.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Sun Jan 30, 2022, 04:56 PM

71. Checking in on you, OB. Pleas give us a "hello".

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Response to electric_blue68 (Reply #71)

Sun Jan 30, 2022, 09:52 PM

72. Hello

So, it has not been a great weekend, but oh well. The vehicle is repaired, if acting erratic. We have found information that this model has electrical issues and if this is so, I have no idea what do to about it. We cannot repair such an issue, nor can we replace the vehicle. I know my husband is now scared of his own car because it has left him stranded twice. He will have to drive it tomorrow night to get to work, and I will not sleep a wink waiting for the phone to ring. There is nothing I can do about it. But, caveat poor people. I now have something wrong with my heel and as usual, my personal switchboard operator... excuse me, my doctor... has once again referred me for something that is not covered enough for me to do it. I cannot walk much, and after the quadruple bypass they said they wanted me to walk as often as I can. Not that I can walk much in -10F weather anyway. I can already tell things are starting to go back to pre-quadruple bypass because my hands keep 'falling asleep'. I am so tired of all of this. Everyone keeps saying things like "Go out and do this thing" or 'go to this website and fill out all that stuff' or 'start this or that'. There are times that I can barely walk to the mailbox. There are times that I can barely think about taking the handfuls of pills I have to take. And it is not just the physical limitations that are the cause of this. I am in serious straits here. My husband is completely incapable of dealing with my situation, so I usually don't tell him about it. He just assumes that things are somewhat okay. Because he is under enough stress and shame from having to go back to work for someone who all but castrated him the last time he was employed there, I try not to tell him what I have been going through. Because I am incompatible with the people up here, I am cursed to be alone. This place has definitely made my anxiety and depression so much worse. And, I am stuck here. I don't know even know why I am sitting here babbling all of this on a website where no one knows me. It seems that detached acquaintances are all I can hope for anymore. Not that anyone would want to be around me anyway. (Which is obvious as I am sitting here alone.) Have a good week everyone. Hopefully someone will.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #72)

Sun Jan 30, 2022, 10:22 PM

73. Ty for popping in...

I'm sorry your husband is under such disstress having to work for a horrific boss.

Well, well don't know you well, but we know of you, and you have contributed to DU.
Acquaintances are important for most people. There are as an article in '21, maybe late '20 talking about the he benefits of having a bunch of people to chat with even short conversations over the days, weeks, etc.
They even have a specific name for those interactions.
When extroverts, and ambiverts are denied that (maybe some introverts) they feel something is missing.

I have definitely noticed as my restrilcted schedule, and later timewise doesn't cross paths as it has pre covid so I run into a lot of my neighbors. I miss that interaction. I noticed it after a few months by mid summer time '20.

Very sorry to hear your heel is bothering you.
I had that nasty injury where your heel hurts like hell when stepping on it from over exercise that crept up on me.
Took several months to go away.

It's possible that the cold is exacerbating your CV system in your hands. It my not be all about your pre by pass surgery condition returning.
Cold somewhat restricts blood flow to our extremities.

Safety to you and your husband.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Tue Feb 8, 2022, 04:05 PM

74. How are you doing, OB?

Please let us know.

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Response to dixiechiken1 (Reply #74)

Wed Feb 9, 2022, 10:21 AM

75. Ahh... my favorite Little Feat song...

Although 'Willin' certainly is a very close second.

I am still here. Still trying to figure out why. Still wondering about the sadistic nature of our society that it won't help but won't let me leave. Things like that. My husband and I had a screamfest the other day because I finally snapped over a computer issue. The issue did not involve him in any way, but he decided that it gave him a headache to hear me slamming things and yelling one floor above him. I tried to walk outside, but it was too cold and I cannot walk much anyway these days because of some heel issue that I cannot afford to deal with right now, if ever. Who knows? I cannot even think much these days. Probably my brain trying not to completely give out, although the few years that I was given Effexor and Paxil ruined it pretty badly. (But hey, a 74% success rate is good enough to toss those things down anyone's throat, right? Still wonder how they get a blanket 'go' with that percentage, but what do I know?)

One thing that could be seen as positive is that I am able to play guitar again. Okay, so a few years ago I had to start wearing carpel tunnel braces because both hands would be 'asleep' and very painful every morning when I woke up. The metal brace in them terminated right on top of my capitate joint. The continued use apparently wore the joint out until I could no longer close my fist without that joint popping out. I would have to literally grab the finger and pop it back into place. I had no ability fo grasp anything. At first I thought this was the result of arthritis. But, after a time I stopped using the braces because the initial usage reason disappeared. (This is typical with my body these days. Things come and go... abilities do and then don't work.) The damage was done however, and it was several months later that I figured out why just both middle fingers had issues. So, I thought my guitar playing days were over. I sold my beloved Cort Curbow bass, but never could make myself sell my Yamaha G or my sweet baby, a 1977 Fender Telecaster. The only guitar I ever wanted. Fast forward to about six months ago, and I started to realize that I could close my finger a little more on one hand. I now have almost full use again and can even snap my fingers, which was something that would have been impossible a year ago. Now... having said this, I wish to point out that I have struggled with a complete loss of desire to pursue anything for almost a decade now. And, as far as my performing career (or NON-career to be more accurate) is concerned, I gave up on the entire thing back in 2000 because it had basically done nothing but cause misery and pain. (I really envy those who went through the first 20+ years of their lives without an idea of what they wanted to do. What I did was an obsession, ask any performer. And, you don't just stop feeling that because you failed miserably doing it.) I did other things that are still part of the entertainment industry, but the prospect of performance being able to generate a living went out the window. After the disaster of the 80s and 90s, when arts programs and artistic settings were discarded because they did not give a 70% ROI or what the fuck ever, the concept of artistic expression disappeared. It truly became impossible to be a performer without also being a MBA graduate. But, my skillset is performing. So, I worked at a school for almost a decade, doing media, assisting the IT person, and afterschool programs and so on. But, one can never escape politics, even when one does his or her best not to be involved with that shit at all. (And a back injury that they refused to accept. Since the injury was the kind that did not seem like an issue at first, or that it may be a permanent injury, I did not seek treatment for it and after I realized what was going on all I ever got was the polite equivalent of "Kiss it!".) However, after the hand issue, I figured I was truly done with any of it. Fortunately, before I completely lost the ability to play, I managed to finish my final effort in music, so at least that was done and I felt I could let it all go. (Of course, I cannot.) I still suffer from looking at the instruments every single day and then never touching them because why do something that just reminds you of your complete failures in life? The one thing that truly gave me joy now just gives me pain. So, I still do not play, even though I am now at the point where I can. I still look like a weeble with bad teeth (a side effect of depression. I have always said that a good indicator of depression and/or anxiety is a lack of dental health. Most real depressives/anxiety sufferers do not worry about such things and if one never gets any help for their mental health, even when one does attempt to take care of their mouths when they are not so 'under the weather', one tends to end up like me.), so I cannot perform any more anyway. Hell, my voice is so out of shape now, I doubt I could make it through two songs. And, why even bother? It is all a waste of time and it is just torture to even think about it. I see no reason to be glad about my hands getting better because this is just going to add to the torture.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #75)


Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #75)

Mon Feb 21, 2022, 12:09 AM

77. The only way I keep from killing myself is... I procrastinate my way out of it.

Yeah, it's always an option. Ironically, a comforting thought in a way. Especially when someone close to me has pissed me off.

Like tonight. I even told my husband if he found me with a tailpipe in my mouth, he'd know why. But it was a stupid fight. Aren't they all?

My body has been hurting all day. I've been taking care of relatives who are older than me and actually possibly could die from their ailments. In one way, it makes me more hopeful. But I live in Minnesota too and it's too f***ing cold in my basement apartment. I have had one of those days where it seems like I am the one who has to do everything even though I can barely stand up straight due to the pain.

By the end of the day I'm still trying to not be the assho*** that is jumping up and down in my brain about every stupid thing after the other. My husband talks about dinner, I go to fix something simple and he's doing things on his side of the area and asks me for a water bottle he put in the freezer to get cold. I have my hands in food, so I tell him it will have to wait, but within 90 seconds I have the water for him and back to making dinner.

Then he tells me never mind about the water and he's not hungry. Me either. But I eat anyway and go play solitaire so I can win at something. The universe blesses me with 2 wins so I come on DU to hold myself accountable for feeling this way so I can let it go.

Then I see your thread and realize you are suffering so much more than I am and have pulled yourself through day by day and I am glad for your survival.

All the sudden it doesn't feel about me any more and I can let go and recharge for round umpty eleven and do it again tomorrow.

So thanks for your honesty. It helped you and me.

There's always at least 500 things to do before using your final option. AND along the way you might change your mind, so why not?

Also did not read all the posts, but have you checked with Auto Technical to see if you qualify for a refurbished car? Maybe even if you are above income guideline they can take your car as a donation, repair it and then you get a better tax credit as the value of the vehicle is after repair. http://autotechnical.org/


I lost my music too. I used to sing pretty well. Got a gig with a non-profit to sing at a New Year party for sober folks. 4,000-5,000 in the crowd at midnight and me singing Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love of All" was my highlight. Other stuff was all with choirs.

But I had migraines bad in my mid twenties and was moving things out of a 3rd floor apartment into a rental van. Lost track of how much aspirin I took and got tinnitus in my right ear. Sounds like a tuning fork that is wrong pitched to whatever you are singing. I gave up for a long time even trying to sing along in the car.

Then I watched a woman on America's Got Talent who went deaf and figured out how to sing again. Admittedly she was better to start with and quite the professional, but the agony for her.

Anyway. Not going to perform, but I enjoy singing along in the car again and you know what? With how f***ed up the world is and my life on any given day, if I can find one or two minutes of happiness in a day I am going to take it. May not keep me afloat, but for a moment I can feel the sun on my face and at least for that moment I have a little joy and I am not going to deny myself that because I can't have everything I want and/or need.


I hope you can find a good medication combo. It DOES make a difference. I can see that putting the brakes on negative thoughts is not happening for you right now. So much fun to be one's own worst enemy, I know.

I'm on Wellbutrin now, but I don't sleep well. Nearly killed myself off when I was on Wellbutrin with Zoloft and using St John's Wort. It made my periods more like 5 days of miscarriages. Nearly bled myself out. Lost my job just at the point they were going to help me get medical leave.

But I remember when I first had a medication combo work and I was riding the bus from Minneapolis into St Paul to work. Same old route I'd taken for almost a year, but all of the sudden it was like the grey film over my eyes was gone and I actually saw the world as others did.

Just knowing that the depression physically affected even my eyesight made me realize if it had a physical cause, I could work to remedy the physical aspect and do my best with the rest.

It's one hour, one minute at a time many days, but things can get better.

Then I get my turn in the blender again, but hey, everyone has stinking life problems and we just do our best to get through it and try to help others when we can.

Hope some things really start looking up for you. Sounds like you have had your turn in the blender long enough and deserve a break or 50.


Tigress



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Response to TigressDem (Reply #77)

Mon Feb 21, 2022, 11:16 AM

78. Thank you so much for your post.

I really appreciate it. I am not really a procrastinator, but I am a staunch avoider of pain. And, as I have stated before, there are only one or two ways to die that will not cause any pain. So, I am stuck here until I finally figure out how to get over this obstacle. Once I do, then I can take stock of everything.

Ahh yes, the old 'concrete pads are cheaper than footings so to hell with the fact that it is below freezing for most of the year'. Our basement is the same. And get this, the idiot who owns the place had a nice wood floor installed but, in order to save a few bucks, they did not put in any insulating layer. So, his nice floor is covered with rugs because of the cold that seeps out of each joint in the flooring. Fucking brilliant, eh? I do hope you were able to enjoy the weather on Sunday. Our heater in the basement finally shut off for a while!

So, the vehicle situation has been handled for the time being. The starter was replaced because the first one they put in failed, and they replaced the ignition switch because he felt that it had something to do with the situation. (Had to pay for the switch of course.) Now, I have to deal with the fact that my hubby is afraid of the car stranding him again, and when it gets ally cold, he borrows the roommate's car, which I am very much against because this guy is very material and superficial and would have a fit if my hubby got a scratch on it. He drives a new Subaru Crosstrek, which is in the ball park of $36,000, and that would truly destroy our chances to ever get away from here. I cannot convince him to stop doing this, but as I cannot convince him of anything these days I will just have to sit here terrified of him sideswiping another car due to road conditions or something like it. However, because we live with someone who is doing quite well we cannot get much of anything. And, we cannot afford to leave. So much for 'upward mobility'.

I was a professional entertainer for 40 years, and it all has pretty much culminated with nothing. I loved it. I loved all aspects of it, and I loved being creative. Now, doing any part of it is just painful and depressing to me, because it reminds me of what a complete failure I am. I understand what you are saying about those moments in life that might be less horrific than the rest of it, but I have a very difficult time finding them because the things that gave me fulfillment are now the things that create despair and surrender. It sucks. Also, I will never take any of that crap ever again. Paxil and Effexor rewired my head and not in a good way. And, since I am not a rich person, I can only seek out county help. They were the ones who tossed pills down my throat with no follow up and no attempt to offer me anything else. So, no thanks. There is a big difference between someone doing something honestly even when it fails, and someone doing something just for show and not really caring if it works or not. Until I can get the same level of care that some wealthy adulterer can get, there is no reason to try, as it won't be what I need, it will just be what they can do to look 'compassionate'. (Yes, I am filled with bile over the entire thing. I am very glad that it has worked for others. It did not work for me.)

If you will look at the blender, you will see that it has my name on it. So, I am totally screwed. It won't be long, I hope. I don't know what else to say. I hope i was not too depressing, but I just do not have much energy anymore to be otherwise. maybe once it warms up in four months. (Because to me it won't get warm around here until then.)

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #78)

Tue Feb 22, 2022, 08:45 PM

79. You are welcome.

I do my best not to procrastinate, but with suicide I make an exception.

I also do things that I call "positive mind-f**s" So I have a bunch of things to do on the weekend and so little time I don't know where to start. I have a project I know I should be doing but instead I do a bunch of other things and then when I have several things checked off my list it seems I have energy for the actual project. So I am still doing something positive while I am allowing myself to rebel against my A list project.

I was never a professional musician but I did lose my "professional career of 20 years" and started working in warehouses to get some exercise and kept with it. There are days I think I'm a little daft, but 18 thousand steps feels so good. Even in that field I come up against female alphas who want to put me in my place or get me fired.

Not the kind of person anyone can put in her place. I spent my youth standing up to bullies in a heavy gang neighborhood in California. I basically made a bunch of truces where I was one of a select few that could be cool with several gangs without having to jump when they told me to. Had to get my ass kicked by groups of 10-20 and give some serious damage to most in the group to prove myself. They said, "You've been jumped into the gang. Now you're one of us." I told them, "No thanks. If I can beat the he** out of 20 of your people, what do I need you for?" So let it ride and we'll be cool. Non-interference on both our parts.

So losing a career? Not the worst thing that ever happened to me.

My first husband tried to kill me. I almost killed him back, but I stopped myself. He was drunk. I wasn't so I used my brain. There is something about knowing you CAN defend yourself that allows you to not HAVE to do it if there is another way. He went to jail that weekend, I moved back with my folks and after a long custody battle we got divorced. He married 2 times more after me and had 2 wives before me. Eventually, he had enough of himself and killed himself.

I found my current husband volunteering together for a mental health support group of all things. I didn't have a car in the beginning so he gave me rides to committee meetings and such. We "dated" for almost 10 years before we got married. I was a bit gun shy as you might imagine. He's not perfect, but he's a great upgrade. Every day he tells me he loves me. He'll put together breakfast for me and we do have great times together still after 30 years of being together.

Today he pissed me off a bit as he had the day off and calls me as I am driving home and asks me to look and see if the driveway needs shoveling so he can get to his massage appointment. He almost intimated that I should shovel it for him so he doesn't get sweaty. Um. He had all day if that was his concern. So I parked out front and I will need to shovel at least my side to get my car in as there is a 2 foot snow drift there. His side wasn't so bad.

I can focus on just the horrible parts of my life. Believe me, there is a lot. I am in the blender more often than not. But I also believe in JOY that is more spiritual than "happiness" is. Joy is the deep seated faith that there is good in the universe and even if I am having a whole lot of bad in my day, I can start it over and enjoy any particular part.

At my lowest the only thing I could appreciate was sunsets and some days sun rises. I figured if God took the trouble to set it up so each day was a unique art show like that, He might actually care about me like the Bible says. That tiny bit of faith brought me back.

I am not perfect. My son is an anti-vaxxer and lives with me. Upstairs with his whole family where it's warm. He's pissed off his wife and she went home to her folks, but ironically, they are still talking and it seems he's actually listening at times. Yesterday he told me I couldn't see the kids on Sunday because my husband has been trash talking about my son in front of his kids.

I told him that I would talk to my husband, and I did. But I also told him to examine himself and make sure he's just not setting up someone else to be a scapegoat as it's been a family dynamic I've noticed. AND I told him to understand that going forward it's going to be a "same rules apply" type of situation here. He can ask for this, but he also has to model that same behavior. This isn't just something WE have to do, but he needs to have the same rules as we do.

EDIT.... I forgot to say that I told my son if he kept the kids from me over my husband's behavior that I would rip out his (my son's) spine and beat him with it. (IE: why I said I'm not perfect.) He told me have fun trying, but then also said, he would still let me see the kids on my own in that case.

Before his wife left him he had completely stopped listening to me. Now every once in awhile I get through on one thing or another. So where I had completely given up, some little light happened and I'm glad about it.

Every day I have at least 4-5 situations that could totally push me under and there are moments it does. But I do have 30 years where I went to 12 Step meetings for the families of alcoholics that helped me keep my sanity. I haven't been since Covid, but I still have support people as well.

Mainly, I just try not to do any damage to myself. If other people do stupid stuff, I don't have to tolerate it or even if I tolerate it I can choose whether their stupid is my problem or not. But beating up on myself has proven to be the stupidest thing I do whenever I do it, so at least I stop that when I can.

All these thoughts you have about yourself being a failed entertainer or having your name on the blender are thoughts you are imprisoning yourself with. Good news is because you are your own jailer, you have the key and can let yourself out for an hour or so to enjoy something, anything. You can choose to go back in there, but once you realize you CAN leave those thoughts behind it will happen eventually that you choose to.

I like "Morning Pages" where you write whatever crap is in your head and then leave it on the page and think different thoughts. It's how a lot of creative people push through the garbage blocking their flow and move on with their day.

I've gone on walks collecting stones to symbolize the pain I am facing and carry it from the waterfall to the river and toss them when I get to the river to make myself feel the pain and the release.

There is no perfect answer for everyone, but everyone can make little changes that at least give a bit of respite for a small time. If those times begin to add up and something does work then hey, it's good.

I asked this manager if they could turn the heat down and they did for one day. Today it was back up and though I am sure people in the office think 70 degrees is plenty cool, I am running my ass off all day and am dripping sweat so even 68 is a relief. I thought, I am going to have to ask on a daily basis or tell them I will have to quit. Because if it's like this in the middle of winter how hot will it be when it isn't 9 degrees outside? I could stroke out. It made me despair that I would "have to do that".

Then I thought to myself, but I can be that awful old granny that asks every day until they cave in and then every day after that if they forget. Why not? Who am I trying to impress? I just gotta be able to work without melting into a puddle.

If I don't ask, the answer is automatically NO. So what do I lose if I ask? Not much.

Anyway, just some thoughts and commiserations. Life does suck a lot, but sometimes it doesn't.


Stay strong.

Tigress.

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Response to TigressDem (Reply #79)

Wed Feb 23, 2022, 12:39 AM

80. It sounds as if you are doing way better than I am.

I have nothing left. It is not a matter of figuring out what to do, it is finding the energy to even consider anything to do. I want this to end. I will never be free of the pain and it is only going to get worse. I am done. I had my shot. I failed. Oh well. Time to make room for someone who might do better than I ever did. I am just wasting space and taking up resources that should go to someone who can make a difference. I did not and I will not. So, why bother? You see my dilemma. I have performed in front of thousands... and yet I sit here with nothing. I have done so many benefits, fundraisers, etc.. Not because I expected anything in return, but because it was the right thing to do. Since no one has done this for me, I guess I am not the 'right thing'. Which is fine, now. All I want is to go back to the coast and die on the beach. But, I cannot because I have no car and no way to get one, and I can barely walk. So, I am trying to decide whether or not I can go out and just freeze to death. I hear that is rather pleasant once you get past the first part of it. I can't take things anymore. I can't handle being out of the house anymore. I hate this house. I want to be out of it. Yet, I panic and get all snippy and combative when I leave it. I know my husband is so over me. I am just dragging him down with me. I can't take much more of this. Something is going to give. I wish it would be me. Soon.

So, I have put out some feelers for trying to make another claim to Social Security. It isn't going to work. And, when they turn me down a second time, that might get things rolling. I guess I will have to wait and see. But, I can't wait for too long... because I just can't take it anymore.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #80)

Fri Feb 25, 2022, 11:58 PM

81. It's easy to compare our insides to someone else's outsides and think they are doing better.

My main advantage is I have had support because I got up off my butt and went to meetings and did phone meetings when I was crazy busy and went to church and called sponsors, friends or family when I was at my wits end. One of my primary goals was to not be a depressed lump on the couch like my Mom was, so in my 20's anger and fear drove me to do anything to not wind up like that.

Also initially my ex who tried to kill me told me to go to Al Anon because he was going to AA. Like a good little wifey, I did. That was when he was Dr. Jeckyll. I went and even when he started back into drinking and became Hyde and told me not to go because they would tell me to leave him, they didn't, that is always a decision made by the individual. They just work the steps, share with you and give honest feedback if you ask for it.

Basically I got an hour or two a week outside of myself to look at myself and not drown in the problems.

My mind is like a bad neighborhood. I shouldn't go there alone.

That bit of air helped me see the world isn't just black or white, but everything in between and so much more. But I had to open myself to being teachable. A closed mind can never see anything new.

Most people I know who ever got Social Security had to apply at least 3 times. It's probably an unwritten rule to make sure someone is actually seriously in need and willing to bow and scrape for it.


30 years of finding support one way or another helped me find resilience, but even today I was doubting myself and facing my fears. But because I didn't try to fix myself with my own faulty thinking, but branched out and looked for people who had other ideas, I learned new things. One day at a time, one problem at a time, even one minute at a time.

Did you ever watch Cannon Ball Run with Burt Reynolds and Sally Field? At one point there is a minor character with an Italian race car and as he gets ready to join the convoy he rips off his rear view mirror and tosses it out of the car. His passenger is shocked. "Wha? Why?" or something to that effect she says.... His answer is part of my life philosophy now.....

"What's a behind a me, she no matter."

So in the middle of the day when I've had it with the blender or people at work or losing another job that is beneath my dignity to begin with, I reset myself. I start over. "What's a behind a me, she no matter." Whatever bugged me can bugger off and deal with itself unless I really have the time energy and/or tools to handle it or know someone who can help me, then I decide if I will handle it, get help or put it off until I think I will be better able to deal.

This chick at work is another one of those alpha females that seem so prevalent in the warehouse environment. In some ways you have to be somewhat full of yourself to go in day after day, work your butt off along side a bunch of guys. I try to be mostly bright and shinny about it, lots of thank you and taking advise and finding whatever I can do well and at times making suggestions for improvement based on other places I have been that tackled problems differently. At least that is me on the surface.

I have had a lot of drama filled conversations with this woman in my head because I really need to spout off at her even if she doesn't need to hear it. Funny thing is, my mind feels relieved that I see the problem and am thinking it through, so it eases up and lets me go through my day.

Simple confrontation first week she was there. I found a paper with her name on it that is associated with a job she was working on at the end of the day. I handed it to her so she could make sure no one needed it to complete her order. Sometimes they use it to check all the items were correctly picked. She looks at me like, nah, I didn't drop that. They did. It's not on me.

Kinda funny. If I had wanted to get her in trouble, I could have given it to management and if she had made a mistake it would be on her record. By giving it to her, I was giving her the power to fix it if needed and keep it off her record.

And she's always on this kick about other people not cleaning this and that up as they go, but we clean from 4-4:30pm every day so sometimes we finish a pick and go back to it afterward. Or at least we grab what we need before cleaning out packaging for instance. She's all up in my face about it on a daily basis whether it was my fault or not. My snarky self is like, "Girl, you been here 5 minutes and you know everything and are going to tell us how it goes? I think not." So I don't say that to her, but my face doesn't allow me to lie. Most people can see what I am thinking and I don't have to say it at all.

Finally she did something that got my Irish up. She parked her pallet in front of these liquid products that we all need to grab. They are 50 pounds and awkward to carry if something is blocking the way. She had her pallet there for hours. Finally, I needed to actually grab the pallet in the location because I needed 20 of them and asked if I could move it for her and she said, "No, I want it there."

I said, "You know. I was just trying to be nice. I need to get the pallet behind yours out of there for my pick, so this needs to be moved."

"Fine" She allowed me to do that for her. So gracious.

"And" I told her "You don't need to be pulling an attitude on me."

Later that day I did report to the boss that she's parking in front of that space and it's rude to all of us. He's going to make a general announcement and I thank him. He didn't, maybe he talked to her instead. But I told him I do want her to succeed because we are a team and her success is our success, but we need to work together. I also said I will let him handle it because if she keeps it up I have ways of dealing with her, but that's kind of old me and I don't want to be that way any more. I said, "I won't get violent, but it won't be very nice and it's just better if it comes from you any way."

The important part is that she does her stupid stuff, I think on it and have these marvelous come backs in my mind and chuckle at myself. But because I know I could leave her a crying mess if I made that my goal, I don't need to do it and not doing it makes me feel better about who I am as a person. I have things to do, people who want my time and she's not going to be wasting any more of my time than absolutely necessary.

At the end of the day what really matters is how I treat people and how I take care of myself. My actions are my responsibility. My feelings are what they are and I try to feel them and deal with them without making it an external lifetime production with heroes and villains and dramatic posturing. Mostly my little rants tell me that I understand why I am upset and that I can choose to let someone push my buttons or I can reject the impulse and watch how confused they get when I don't let them wreck my day.

Bottom line is other people's opinion of me or evaluation of my success is none of my business.

Opinions are like a**holes. Every one has one. Whoopy doo.

But you my friend have to free yourself from this huge judgement. So WHAT if you aren't a freaking music star? It's great that you have talent and sad that you have the challenges, but that is only 1 dimension of you as a person. I am certain you are a lot more and you can find reasons to breathe and more to enjoy if you let yourself.

I still haven't finished writing my novels or plays, but I enjoy reading. Sure, I am pretty damn boring a lot of the time, but I can live with that. It's not the end of the world. I'd like to make the world a better place, but I struggle to find energy to do laundry.

EVERY fricken thing I get done on my to do list is practically a miracle considering how screwed up my sleep has been lately. That and this very physical job that has me in huge pain but is also getting me in better shape, has my emotions all over the place.

But if I get grouchy, I own it and if I still think someone needs to do a bit more on their end, I ask.

Hey, worst that can happen is someone says, "No" but if I don't ask, "No" is the automatic answer, so it's not much of a loss. And standing up for myself at least shows me I am trying and not letting everyone and everything else decide my worth.

WHO told you that you are a failure?

You are the only YOU on the planet. Even if you are completely screwed up, exhausted and mentally done with how you are living in the world, you have resilience and skills you don't know about. We all do. Your own uniqueness is all you owe this world and you don't have to be on a stage to do that.

Be nice to yourself. Be nice to someone else. Get off the judgement train. Just be yourself and breathe a little. Let some sunshine in. Listen to some good music. Write down all the shit that bugs you and find a metal trash can and set it on fire. Burn it out. Let it go. You are a human being and you are worth the air you breathe and so much more.

A year from now you will be able to help someone else not drown in despair.

Or at least not yell at some stupid get who sorely needs it.

Progress not perfection.







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Response to TigressDem (Reply #81)

Sat Feb 26, 2022, 10:28 AM

82. Thank you again.

However, I never wanted to be a 'star', even though having enough success to earn a living is going to bring a level of 'stardom' I suppose. It is how an entertainer survives, bringing in audiences. So, it is part of the equation even if it is not what I am looking for, nor why I did it.

To answer your question, I said I was a failure. I am the one who makes that call. No one has ever told me I was a failure. No one has had to. It is obvious. I am always nice to other people. My husband always tells me that I am too nice, in fact. I find that thought frightening. As for being the only 'me' on the planet, that brings a bit of comfort. I doubt the world would want more than one of me around. An anxiety ridden, manic depressive coward who cannot even take control of his own life. Brilliant.

I am so sorry about all of this. You mention the prospect of talking to other people... I wish I had someone to talk to around here. I have my husband, who I am trying not to drive away. That is it. After five years of trying, I can safely say that I have zero desire to speak to anyone around here. These people have literally run away from me. To this day I am still stunned at that incident. We arrived at the local park to walk our dog. These three ladies came along with their little dogs. As I watched, they saw us, stopped, picked up their little furballs, and scurried back in the other direction. It looked like the opening of a movie where the bad guys arrived and everyone scatters because they look so intimidating. But, we were not looking intimidating. We were not looking like anything except people out for a stroll with their dog. I should have figured it out then. But, I can be a bit slow when it comes to interpersonal dynamics because I don't see why anyone would want to be an asshole in public. But, up here it seems to be the behavior or choice. Most people won't even look at me as we pass each other. It is scary, to be honest. However, I can see that I am not doing what this forum says, which is to be supportive. I just don't have it in me anymore. The guy who used to be the one everyone came to for advice has none to give anymore. I should just accept my fate. And, stop being such a wet blanket in a place that is trying to do some good.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #82)

Sat Feb 26, 2022, 12:14 PM

83. You need a better publicist. (wink)

So if YOU are the only one calling yourself a failure. STOP IT.

A lawyer should not be their own defendant and a person shouldn't be their own judge, jury and executioner squad. STOP.

A doctor shouldn't operate on themselves. So STOP tearing yourself apart.

You are a nice person to others, so treat yourself with the same respect.

Don't ASSUME those people ran in fear or revulsion from you. EVEN if they did, it's THEIR stupidity, not yours. A lot of people are small minded and don't choose to get their head our of their rears long enough to remedy the situation.

Don't BE that person. Don't be intimated by those people. With their head in said position, you can definitely out run them if needed.

How big is your dog? Even if he is the nicest pooch in the world if he was drooling those ladies might have thought their dogs looked like appetizers and just didn't want to risk it.

My son had a bully breed, stratfroshire I think it was called, basically taller and leaner than most pits but still with the big old mug grin. He was trained to be a family pet. Kids could put their hands in the dog's food bowl. He would bark or growl but not anything more. When the oldest kid was 2 years old he smacked the dog right on the nut sack. Dog turned around planted the vulnerable spot on the floor and behaved like a gentleman.

Still he was strong. Pulled a car over ice in the winter. About 10 feet, but still. I was taking him home after Christmas to Iron Range and we stopped at the last rest stop in Minnesota to let him go potty and he kinda forgot I was walking him. I had to sit my butt down in the snow and got a ride for about 5 feet before he looked back and grinned. Oh yeah, you're here. Doh.

I gave them a kitten for Christmas one year and the dog was being introduced, but I knew my son was doing it wrong by the way the dog was looking at the kitten. "STOP!" I shouted.

"What?!" my son asked.

"Remember the hamster?"

"Oh, yeah." He said covering up the kitten and standing up.

"What about the hamster?" His wife asked.

"You didn't TELL HER?" I deadpanned.

"NO"

I took the cat and went and had a chat with the dog. "Rawcoe, this is MY CAT. I am letting you guys have this cat, but he is NOT a chew toy or a snack. Do you understand me dog?" He had his head somewhat down and submissive and nodded. I took my hand to let him sniff the smell of the cat and me and then pet him and let him sniff all the smells together. "You eat this cat I will rip you apart, dog. You understand me?" He nodded again.

My son objected. But I told him, "If you hadn't shown him the hamster and made all those cutesy little noises and ignored his excitement at his upcoming snack, I wouldn't have to be like this." Poor hamster jumped away in fear from my son's hands and was gone in one gulp.

The cat grew up as the brother of the dawg and they were SO happy together it was wonderful.


BTW --- ONLINE MEETINGS = Anonymous help

ACA is open to anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family. Now no one gets instructions when their kids are born, so most anyone qualifies. But you can also look at the literature and see if there is any hope for you in their ideas. AND if not, there is probably a 12 Step group, free and anonymous for just about any issue you can think of. So don't despair.


https://adultchildren.org/meeting-search/


Mental Health group NAMI has online support. I haven't gone to their groups, but check out their literature and see if it seems helpful.
**NOTE I know people who go and have found them helpful, just have not personally gone there. I did MDMDA back when it was around.

https://namimn.org/support/nami-minnesota-support-groups/



DON'T GIVE UP.

PUT ON YOUR OWN AIR MASK BEFORE HELPING OTHERS. You can't help if you can't breathe.


Ta'

Tigress

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Response to TigressDem (Reply #83)

Sun Feb 27, 2022, 11:31 AM

84. Well, let me explain.

I had just helped my mate get our shepherd/husky mix out of the back of the truck (he was around 60 lbs at the time). They were by the drivers side when I walked away from the vehicle and towards a path that I saw was headed down towards the lake. It was as I approached the path when this happened. Neither my mate nor our dog was anywhere near me. (It is very unlikely that they were able to see our dog or to even see where I had come from at that moment, as the path was a slope and they were coming up the path towards the parking lot, but I cannot rule out that they did notice.) I was confused and after they ran off I looked around to see if anything else had created that reaction. There was no one else around, with or without dogs. I returned and asked my mate if he had seen what happened. He had witnessed it and was confused as to why they had done what they did. I told him it had to have been my approach. I spooked them for some reason. This was just the first incident that day and where I started to learn about the people up here. I am well aware that it was their stupidity, but I live up here among them and if not one of them will even be a casual acquaintance then I am resigned to sit here basically alone all the time. There is nothing for me to do if I cannot make friends to do things with. My mate works nights, and therefore he is asleep for most of the day. So, I sit. Alone. With nothing to do and no one to do it with if I had something to do. I am not 'intimidated' by anyone up here. I am disgusted. As another transplant up here once said, "A Minnesotan will give you directions to anywhere except their house!". I have found this to be absolutely true. I have to get away from here. I cannot. I cannot go into the particulars of my situation, but we basically jumped in over our heads (despite my warnings) and are now trapped in a part of town that we cannot afford. We have no way to move out. Just getting away from this house would be a good start. But, when your mate has a 15 year career tossed out like garbage because some faceless corporation decides to completely revamp their corporate model, during a lockdown, and then having that person forced to return to that same company on a part time basis, that person starts having panic attacks and the like. I cannot handle my own issues, how in the hell can I hope to help the man I love? I can offer nothing... no money, no work ability, no miracles... nothing. He does not need my 'love', he needs someone to save us. I am not that person. Thence, I should remove myself from the issue so that he can find a way out of here. I can offer nothing to help this situation. Why take up resources? Why continue to drain him? I don't get why this is not reasonable. I do not need a twelve step program. I need to find a way to do the little that I can do and get paid for it. I am not the one who places supreme importance on money, but I live in a society that does. What else can one do if one cannot make any of the one thing that allows you to survive? Again, I am not the one who has made that little green piece of paper GOD in this country. But, I know I cannot make any of it anymore. Oh, and so far, out of six feelers I put out to law firms who specialize in Social Security cases... not one peep. Nothing. I am not surprised. Such cases are intentionally placed so far down the list of importance to the ruling elite that I expected this. We also lose SNAP on the 2nd. They are so far behind that we have no idea when or even if we will get it back. My mate works part time because that is all he can do right now thanks to suffering from having to deal with learning the hard way why you should never trust a corporation in any way.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #84)

Wed Mar 2, 2022, 03:32 AM

85. I hear how hard it is.

Your life is complicated and miserable. People have rejected you. However, none of that makes you garbage. Reject those kinds of thoughts.

You reject 12 Step groups and I get it. But consider this, any self help group that has a freewill donation model is basically free therapy. Right now? You need to get out of your own head because you don't see solutions right now, only problems. You need to see someone in your similar situation who has found a way out.

And do not kid yourself that you are "helping" your mate by killing yourself. Pure BS. More likely you will simply push him over the edge too. Someone having panic attacks over a work situation is in a fragile space and the death of a spouse will be like a volcano blowing up in his life. There is absolutely NO KINDNESS in suicide for the survivors.

My BFF of 30+ years and my husband are both Bi-Polar and although they have had some very rough patches they committed to take responsibility for their own mental health and if they are in a space they need help, they ask or at least accept help. They don't always "like" what I have to say and visa versa, but we have a policy of keeping each other honest that works for us.

I don't know what your solution is, but I know there is one.

My BFF can't work in her chosen profession any more either so she started volunteering and even that she had to tweak because it was SO exciting it started interfering with her sleep. But just like anyone she feels better when she feels useful. Me too. That's why I like to work even if the work itself sucks like a hoover.


Try being grateful for one thing each day. It can't hurt and it might help.


Sending good thoughts your way.


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