It's Father's Day. My father is dead and I don't miss him at all.

[no_hypocrisy]

He was cruel to me almost as a quest. He tried to break me through punishment, criticism, manipulation of my relationship with my siblings, minimalizing my graduations (3), and trying to hold us out as a happy, perfect family.

I'm not happy that he's dead. I'm just relieved to be free of all that emotional tumult and future threats.

[at140]

1. I am sorry about your treatment by your father

But I am sure he loved you, and it may be just his mis-guided thinking that he thought he was doing it right.

[Scrivener7]

2. My mother was hateful to me in a similar way. I am quite sure it was not a misguided love.

Not all parents love their children. There is evidence of that all around us all the time.

Luckily, I had a very good father. I am very grateful to him always, and I miss him today. He died way too young.

[no_hypocrisy]

6. You know what hurt me?

When my father would say "I love you," as something anyone says. There was no love. Matter of fact, the last words before he died were "I love you." Then he died. And then in his Will, he disinherited me and my siblings. At least, he "loved" us the same.

[at140]

12. Find it in your heart to forgive and love your parents

Many things my own father did I did not like. For example after I finished my BS degree in India I wanted to go to United States for master's degree. My father was reluctant because it would cost lot of money, but my mother prevailed and i was able to enroll in an university in USA. It so happened that I needed no additional funds from parents because I financed my expenses by working part time jobs and securing tuition scholarship with good grades.

[no_hypocrisy]

15. Your father was reluctant.

My father was cruel.

Big difference.

[Scrivener7]

21. I am so sorry this was done to you.

When we have a cruel parent, and he or she dies, it actually truly is a relief.

[at140]

25. Yes, there is a difference

between refusal and cruelty.

[Scrivener7]

20. This is insensitive. No-hypocrisy has described an abusive situation, one which was surely

extremely painful to live through.

You seem to be minimizing it and denying the poster's experience. The comparison you provide to your own parent's action is pretty tone-deaf.

Though you say you are sure no-hypocrisy's father was acting out of love, you are, in fact, NOT sure of that at all. The information you have been given is that he acted cruelly and enjoyed doing so.

Moreover, it is not for anyone to tell the poster how to feel by demanding that they forgive and love their abusive parent. THEY were the one who had the experience. THEY know what happened. You do not.

[at140]

26. If everything is true, yes

but I usually want to hear both sides of the story.
I have not heard it.

[Scrivener7]

28. So you minimize the teller's experience and now suggest that he or she is

not truthful.

The poster is not asking you to confirm whether their feelings and memories are legitimate.

Here's a hint: their feelings and memories ARE legitimate. Whether you believe them to be or not.

So you might want to think about a different approach.

Such as not saying anything if you can't be supportive when someone is describing their emotional pain to you.

[at140]

31. hahaha in every court room there are always 2 sides

judge and jury hear BOTH sides then make a decision.
I never accused anyone of lying. I just can not make a judgement hearing from only one side.

[Scrivener7]

32. This is not a courtroom. You are not a judge or jury. No one has asked you to make a judgement.

You are not in any position to make a judgement, so even the thought of you making a judgement about this is ridiculous. Exactly what kind of decision is it that you think is required of you?

The point is that the poster spoke of something that was emotionally difficult. You responded by dismissing and minimizing their feelings and their experience. It was extremely insensitive.

And just so you know, your responses were FULL of judgements. You judged that you were certain that what the poster described as abuse was actually love. That's a pretty whopping judgement.

You judged that it was appropriate for you to tell the poster what emotions to feel about their parent when you know nothing about the poster, their parents, or the situation. That is the HEIGHT of judgement.

So if you are going to say you can't make a judgement, then stop making judgements.

[at140]

33. Wrong! I made NO judgement. I never said poster is lying.

The poster could be right. But I do not know that for sure. I do not form opinions and judgements without hearing both sides.

[Scrivener7]

34. Obviously, you do.

[at140]

35. good bye...

you do not deserve any more responses.

[Scrivener7]

36. Bye now! Be careful about those judgements!

[eppur_se_muova]

24. I know what you mean. At one time, my father decided that saying "I love you" would somehow ...

make things better with his family. When he said it, he sounded like a badly programmed robot for whom the whole concept of love was alien. It was so awkward when he said it to me that I never returned the sentiment, and he quit doing it after a while.

It was very strange watching him deal with other people. He really did seem to put on a mask in public and put on a fake chummy persona when dealing with shop owners and sales people. It was like he was trying to "buddy" his way into a better deal. Nothing made him happier than saving a couple of bucks, and he didn't seem to want to deal with other people at all when there was no gain in it for him.

[MuseRider]

3. I understand that completely.

Mine died when I was 19. 1973. I felt kinda bad at that time but when I remember all I remember is being beaten with whatever he could grab first, we never really knew why. My mother died when I was in my 40's, same deal only it was more mental cruelty. Why those two ever had children I will never know. We were all damaged. I came out the best, I do not know why, being the only girl it felt horrible and actually sexual although I do not remember any of that and will not ever try to find that out. My two younger brothers, one is dead and the other is an alcoholic living in his car.

My oldest son is here today for my husband who did not abuse them. The youngest did a zoom with us, he is a father himself now.

Getting out from under all of that has been hard and long and hard. I kept my temper with my kids knowing how it could be if I did not control myself.

Happy fathers day to all those who had children with good intentions for them.

[whathehell]

11. So sad and awful that you had that experience

Glad you were able to.build a good, loving family of your own.

[irisblue]

5. I feel the same. My mothers ex biologic partner was not a good man. He left pain & chaos behind

He left in 1980, in 2011 his brother tracked me down as next of kin ( my mother had divorced him in 81) to let me know about his death. Because of the social security laws, his passing bumped my mothers payments up. That was the best thing he'd done for my family in 30 years.

Not everyone has the family we should.

[no_hypocrisy]

7. As to your last statement, AMEN!

We don't deserve this.

[Cartoonist]

8. You have my support, brother.

I didn't speak to my father after my mother died. I didn't attend his funeral. There's a better life yet to be lived.

[kimbutgar]

9. So sorry you had a crummy Dad.

But now you are free of his cruelty and you can move on.

[The Blue Flower]

10. I feel the same

This isn't the place for me to go into details, but he hated being "stuck" with the responsibilities of fatherhood and let me and my two sisters know it constantly. All in our 70s now, we're all still dealing with the damage.

[BWdem4life]

13. There was a time I wanted my father dead.

He probably wasn't as bad to me as yours was to you. But he does sound familiar.

I guess I should call him today though, even though he missed my birthday last month and then got my age wrong when he did email me.



Whaddyagonna do.

Glad to hear you have some closure, anyway.

[enough]

14. Thanks for being honest.

[InAbLuEsTaTe]

16. Sorry and glad to hear at the same time.

[ReluctanceTango]

17. I know how you feel

My father was the worst human being not serving a life sentence that walked the face of the earth.

There wasn't a woman he wouldn't cheat on or sponge off of.

He thought nothing of beating his children when they were infants and toddlers.

There wasn't a single lie he wouldn't tell to further his own self-interest. Like that perennial philanderer telling his parents that my mother cheated on him and got pregnant with another man's child. Even though that child looks exactly like he did. And then those grandparents cut us off and never had anything to do with us again. I mean NOTHING. Over his lies.

Oh, and he disappeared for 5-10 years at a time, not even a postcard to tell us he was alive or dead--never mind to remember a birthday or holiday. Child support? Please. Not one penny of that came our way. On the rare occasions when he showed up again, it was only to cause trouble.

Like that time he slimed back into our lives when I was 22, and was furious that I refused to have anything to do with him. As if I didn't know that piece of crap for what he was. He preyed on the more gullible and weak-hearted family members who thought I should "give him a chance--he's your FATHER!" (F*CK THAT NOISE). He pulled every filthy trick imaginable to manipulate these idiots into convincing me to do what he wanted--and I'd warned them he would do it! I refused to yield, and it took everything I had not to say "I TOLD YOU SO," when he wound up burning each and every one of them.

He died knowing that I hated his guts, that I thought he was the lowest piece of crap walking the planet. And he died in agony. The only time I was ever happy to hear anything about him was when my mother told me he'd died, and it was a miserable death of suffering and agony. It was the least that scumbag deserved. The very least.

I hated him until the day he died.

I'll hate him until the day I die.

And I'll hate him even after I'm dead.

He earned it.

[MLAA]

18. What a miserable waste of life. Glad you are rid of his physical presence.

Hope you have and or will find love and tenderness in your life ❤️

[MLAA]

19. Good for you. You don't know owe cruelty anything. Especially cruelty against a child.

❤️🙂

[LoisB]

22. I am glad you are free. In my case, it was my mother.

[eppur_se_muova]

23. I can sympathize. My dad was not as cruel as all that, but he just didn't like people at all ...

... and made no exceptions for his own family, by blood or marriage. I think he got married and had kids because that was what men were expected to do. He would have been perfectly happy if we had simply disappeared when he didn't need us present to ostensibly verify that he was a normal husband and father. We didn't bother with a funeral, and that wasn't just because of COVID. Almost no one noticed when he died, and no one outside his family has contacted us. He's missed by no one, least of all his family (actually, both of them -- he married twice, both unsuccessfully). That's a pretty sad comment about what kind of life he chose to lead.

Life is better without people like that.

[Duppers]

27. Same here but

He hated, badly mistreated my brother & myself, but never hurt our younger sister. My mother was no protection or joy either. Glad they're both gone.

Hubby's & my only offspring, our 35yo son, has been treated totally different than his parents were; he loves his dad & mom.

[no_hypocrisy]

29. Foot Note:

I have had eight years to "heal". I have tried to imagine that things weren't as bad, as severe, as intense as I remember them. But my memories are not exaggerated. They are real and accurate. Plus, I wrote down a bunch of stuff in journals dating back to 1974. I can't debate their accuracy even if it would make it easier to move on.

[Scrivener7]

30. What I have found since my mother's death is that, with distance,

I realize it was actually worse than I thought at the time.

At the time, she had to be dealt with. So we just moved through much of her abuse because it was going to keep coming so it did no good to spend the time or emotional energy to process it.

With distance, there are times when I remember something she did or said and I am just stunned by it.

I think part of that perspective comes from my feelings for my nieces and nephews as I watch them grow. (I have no children by choice.) Comparing how I love and treat them versus how she treated her children. Comparing the things I want them to know about themselves at different ages versus the things she said to me about myself and did to me at those ages. I would seriously beat the crap out of anyone who did to my nieces and nephews the things she did to her children.