Mom died a month ago... I am not okay (long post but I have to get it out)

[FirstLight]

I had major shoulder surgery early May...two days later, after resting and recovery I turned my phone back on and it was my dad calling... Found Mom on the bathroom floor, major stroke and she's careflighted to Reno.

The next day we had a "family meeting" in the hospital room (Me and my 20yr old daughter, older sister and Dad who has dementia). Mom was completelly paralyzed on the right side, cant speak, can only squeeze our hand and talk with her eyes. She knew EVERY word they said as they tried to convince my Dad that she wasnt coming back. Half her brain is fried (it was like her 4th stroke, the worst one yet) Her DNR and directive said NO efforts to be made. While they were talking about a feeding tube and such...she sqqueezed my hand and shook her head...she knew.
It took her 10 days to die... I only saw her once more after that. she cried and held my hand and I told her it was ok to go and we'd be ok. They finally got her comfortable enough to let go, but it was brutal that she had to know her body was shutting down etc. I told my sister we cant feel bad for the decision because being "locked in" was one of her greatest fears...so she really did need to go.

Older sis and I are NOT close by any means. And she's always been the one to control etc. Dad is staying with her because he can't be alone and is also severely depressed and his dementia took a big turn for the worse since she's gone. They were married 60 years, 2/3 of their lives... Now she had me shop for "facilities" but really is only interested in what's cheapest because she is afraid there wont be any inheritance left for her. (We have a Family Trust worth over 1M so she's just high...) She has the checkbook and control.

Meanwhle I'm trying to recover from surgery, I made the bruial arrangements, and we had our own little picnic for her the day she was interred. Just me and my daughter, our roommates and one of my oldest and dearest friends traveled up here to be support. We were allowed to open the casket and place a couple things inside and say goodbye.

These past couple weeks I'm slipping further into depression. I feel useless, drab and sick. I know I'm supposed to be "healing" but I have nothing to *do* (unemploed due to these injuries for now) I was supposed to have a college class to teach this summer, but it was cancelled, which is probably for the best since I wasnt prepared anyway.

Last night the GUILT hit me. That I should have visited her more in the hospital (even though I KNOW it upset her) I should have dont more or said more at her burial. I should be showing up more for my dad (even though my sister made it clear I'm not really welcome to just come over)
Then this morning the guilt dreams hit. That I was the one to find her on the floor, that I couldnt carry her or take care of her, that I didnt put her in the bed right so she flopped on the floor etc

I'm no stranger to therapy...I've worked with a person for over 25 years and knows my family dynamics and has even met my mom. But I'm thinking I need to pursue something more agressive. My roommate has found good care through the county mental health dept and has reached out to her person to see if they can get me an intake appointment faster. I already take Cymbalta and have for years... but maybe I need something more till I can get through this crap.

I still have to deal with cleaning out the house to sell...and the cabin here in Tahoe that my daughter is currently living in will have to also be cleared out. I'm sure my sister will just wanna liquidate everything. Then there's Dad, so lost...I dont think he will make it to the end of the year. And if she tries to put him in a crappy facility, he'll go even faster. I am trying to heal my relationship with her by offering to help with research etc...but then after doing all the work she just left it...and we missed an opportunity for him to be in a home situation. And I cant PUSH her, because she'll just get nasty and I dont want to deal with that on top of everything, it's like walking on eggshells.

I dont know why else Im posting here but that I needed to get off my chest. My roommate says she'll take me to the ER to get an anti anxiety or sedative but I dont just wanna sleep through this... besides, I REALLY CAN'T handle more dreams.
As soon as I finish my coffee, I'm calling mental health....

[Anon-C]

1. I know you are going through it and I am saddened that you are

Do care for yourself, eat and get that sleep, and a warm shower or bath can help, even if you feel undeserving - dont let the guilt or the fact that you dont have control of your dad's
situation get you down. The notion of meds and an ER visit seems like a part of you needs rest and care, and calling mental health is a great idea. Be well and I hope things get better for you.

[Karadeniz]

2. None of what you're going through sounds abnormal! What you need is time. Your mother was

Fed up with living as the stroke left her. Wouldn't you have been? I would've! Quit beating yourself up. Tell those guilt creating thoughts to hit the road; they're useless!

[spicysista]

3. I'm no expert in mental health.

I'm so glad you're seeking help. Music is among my love languages and one of my favorite artists has a song called, "First Light". So, being more than a little corny, I thought I'd share it with you.

I pray you are better soon.

[Texaswitchy]

4. The best thing to do is to take care of business.

I know that sounds cold but I have been there.

You have legàl issues and a house to clean out.

That is your job now.

My mother was on hospice care so it wasn't a big shock when she passed.


I had both parents to deal with at one time.

It was a hard time

You can do this.

Take meds if needed.

It will get better, I promise.

[FM123]

5. I am so sorry for what you are going through, I am glad you reached out to us.

I lost my mother ten years ago. I understand how hard this is. What ever help your room mate or the professionals offer, please considering accepting it, this is too big to go through alone.

[FirstLight]

7. I put in the paperwork for counseling...etc they will probably call Monday

Told my sister I'm taking dad to lunch Tuesday

Meanwhile I sobbed tonight... I was always the 'sensitive' child and she was my guardian. How do I process these emotions without her? My eyes are burning from too many tears...

I used to be the ' sickly ' one
..she was my comfort
Even now when I am in pain I call for mommy
That never goes away
She used to make eggs and toast
And yet with this depression all I can eat is Gatorade and crackers
I've tried to make food...but everything ends up tasting like dust

[OldBaldy1701E]

8. I have no words of comfort because they would sound cheap.

I do have some advice and some words of support though. Firstly, please keep in mind that, right now, you need to remember the four 'no-no' things that you absolutely need to avoid. They are: refined sugar, processed food, alcohol, and caffeine. You mentioned coffee. if you have not, switch to decaf. You are doing yourself no favors by making your system run on overdrive, especially when you have no immediate task at hand. You also need to make sure to keep yourself in mind. Take that walk. Paint that picture. Whatever it takes to give your mind time to relax. You have people around you. Use them. I know, no one gets it. But, we do. You can talk to us here. We listen, which is always the most helpful thing. Please try to take care of yourself even as you deal with all this. This is not the time for 'SuperPerson!', this is the time for slow and steady. You may not want to hear my advice about dealing with family, so I will refrain. Just remember that you are just as important in these things as any other member.

[XanaDUer2]

9. I'm so sorry