My Thanksgiving.

[debm55]

We went through the Thanksgiving prep here, I celebrated with my husband and son. I got a call last night from my mother. Where was I, why didn't I send a card, I will be sorry when my dad dies, Rich always visited his parents.. did we get sick from the turkey he made? I didn't say anything. She is mentally sick, saying something would really lead to a verbal thrashing. She has never apologized for call my adopted son a bastard whose own mother didn't want him. and me a pisspoor mother. It went on for an hour.Other kids visit their parents, the health of my sister, brother and her. I kept saying I had to go, but she goiing on and on.I have tried to ignore them all for what they did to me. I should have said something but I did't. I am afraid of her. I am still her punching bag. Even though she continued to blast my husband. I'm mad at myself for letting it go on. Even though , I called her and said she broke my heart with the mean comments about my son. and still never apologized. Odd, i had an appointment with my doctor and told him that mentally I was doing okay. Now, I back to square one. I know she wants money, but she still plays gambling games on the computer and has driven up her charge to 3,000 a month.I am a loss for words to say. Yesterday was trash your husband day, Thank you for letting me vent.

[Ocelot II]

1. Hoo boy. That's a tough situation, but the fact that someone is a family member

doesn't mean you have to include them in your life; blood doesn't have to be thicker than water. Your mother is toxic and manipulative. Maybe it's time to cut her out of your life, and not feel guilty about it. You can't change her and she'll keep making you feel miserable if you don't.

[debm55]

5. Ocelot,this has been going on since I was a child. Yesterday, I let it go on, though I did try to

cut the conversation off. I felt like a child again listening to her rants. Like I said, yesterday was my husbands turn. I didn't know that cards were sent for Thanksgiving as when my husband's parents died she sent no sympathy cards to him=not even a call to express sorrow for my husband. but every year he does their taxes for them. They have no moral compass and the world revolves around them.My answer for an apology has always been-I''m your mother, I shit you out, not the other way around. I don't owe you anything.You know that is hard to write when your mother says that to you. I have never had the words, sorry, pretty, smart, love used to me. And yes, I am on meds,

[Diamond_Dog]

13. My mother said a lot of the same things to me

And it went on my entire life, too. Yet when my dad died and she lived alone, I was expected to be her whole life’s entertainment and care giver even though I had 3 kids of my own and she trashed my husband and his parents any chance she got. Wouldn’t even come to family gatherings if “they” were going to be there (and they were perfectly nice people). It was always all about her and how sorry for herself she was therefore I should be, too.

I don’t have any words of advice except to say you’re not alone, so feel free to vent away here. So many of us have gone through the same thing and understand….

[debm55]

17. Thank you Diamond. I know that is the case here. She always likes to get her claws in about my

husband and son and my husbands family. We spent every fucken Christmas with my family. It was exhausting--the screaming, fighting, etc. One time, my son, aged 2 was building a block castle on the coffee table . Mother comes in and knocks it all over the place, saying get used to it, life isn't fair, he cried. I picked up the blocks, got my son and left. When I brought it up, she called me a liar and said it never happened. Here I am crying. It did happen. I am afraid that if I bring up the bastard comment and the never went to see him in rehab because he was a drug addict, will also send her into a rage. So I store inside.

[Diamond_Dog]

21. Just awful.

I sympathize with you keeping a lot inside. I’m so sorry.

We had to go to,separate houses, rush the kids throughout the day, because my mom wouldn’t get together with us at my MILs house. She couldn’t be the center of attention over there.

[no_hypocrisy]

2. I get it!

My father was similar to your mother. Holidays were the worst. Even my graduations were an excuse to rip into me.

3-1/2 years of therapy, twice a week.

Dad’s gone and I can finally celebrate Thanksgiving— with someone else’s family.

HUGS to you!

[debm55]

18. nohypocracy , thank you for your hugs.

Last edited Fri Nov 25, 2022, 03:27 PM - Edit history (1)

[LakeArenal]

3. Gawd. It sounds like Thanksgiving with my mom.

Alzheimer’s. Symptoms my whole life. Every clerk was ripping her off and this fake judgmental whisper that the whole room could hear. She was a fatist, racists and just about every “ist”. The day she was passing away my father made me visit her. My dad asked her if she’d like to see me she shook her head no.

For years I had guilt that I missed my mother in law more than my own mom.

I have no advice other than, you can’t change her, you can only change your reaction. Be strong for your son I gave up a son for adoption. It was t because I didn’t want him. I feel for you in many ways.

Good luck. Best wishes for the holiday.

[debm55]

6. Lake, thank you for listening. I can't talk to my husband about this as he would be very angry.

[KarenS]

4. just ((Hugs))

Do whatever you can & are willing to do to take care of yourself,,,, cutting a toxic family member from your life can be very difficult and guilt inducing.

[debm55]

7. Karen the whole family is like this. Now that they are older, they are worse. All of

them feel entitlled to everything.Always have and always will be. Emotional,physical, sexual abuse forgot--We are your family and remember the 4th commandment.

[XanaDUer2]

8. I'm so sorry

[irisblue]

9. Deb, have you considered muting her on your cell & maybe checking every other day for messages?

Maybe check on these books at your library?

Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self Esteem -Kimberlee Roth


When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life - Victoria Secunda

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship - Christine Ann Lawson

Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists’ in Their Struggle for Self -Elan Golomb

Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect - Jonice Webb and With Cristine Musello

How to Survive Your Childhood Now That You're An Adult: A Path to Authenticity and Awakening -Ira Israel

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma -Pete Walker

Difficult Mothers: Understanding and Overcoming Their Power - Terri Apter


Because of my family of origin behaviors, I live far away, I worked holidays, so I could say "Sorry, hospitals are busy".
Also yesterday my phone was 'on the charger'.

I know my mom misses her memories of us a little kids, but for me, those memories made emotional & physical scars that prevent me from playing at Happy Family.

Best hopes & wishes

[SheltieLover]

11. Excellent list, to which I add "Scapegoat Complex" & "The Inner World of Trauma"

The 1st is by Marion Woodman, the 2nd is by Donald Kalsched.

These are not easy reads.

[debm55]

20. Thank you, Iris, for the list of books. With all that has happened(read my intro below, when I first

came here) I want/need her to say she loves me. That will never happen, I afraid. When I asked my parents why not, I was told "we feed you, and provide you with a place to live. Isn't that enough? No it wasn't enough.

[3catwoman3]

10. If these are cell phone calls and you recognize the numbers, can you just...

...not pick up? Spare yourself the harangues. You deserve so much better.

[debm55]

22. 3cat, what if it is call that says someone died?

[3catwoman3]

26. Will anyone leave a voicemail that you could check on a few minutes later?

Or, even tho you say you are afraid of your mother, can you dig deep within yourself and find enough bravery to politely but firmly say something like, "I'm sorry, I can't stay on the phone right now," and then just hang up without waiting for a response. As mean-spirited as your mother seems to be, I don't think you owe her your mental health and self-esteem.

[SheltieLover]

12. Why pick up or listen to her at all?

Sounds as if she is attempting to project her bs onto you.

Have you ever told her point blank, "you cannot hurt me anymore mother."

She sounds quite abusive. Why subject yourself to her crazy making?

Do be aware, though, that when we reject sick projections, the person throwing the projection our way often gets irate, sometimes violent.

Just be aware & do what you need to do for yourself & your family to be safe & healthy.

I would personally never allow anyone to speak to me that way.

[debm55]

15. sheltie, they are old and I am afraid of getting the call where my father has died.

She has gotten irate with me, in person and on the phone. She has said terrible things to me over the years. I wanted to say what do you care about Danny. You told me how you felt. Putting aside the abuse, when we went down to the Children's Home to pick up our baby, she had behind my back called my aunt and asked her to accompany me. My sister was getting an operation and she would not be able to attend. My aunt had no idea where the Children's Home was and wanted us to pick her up. and take her. I thought it should just be Rich and myself. I had enough on my mind to think about. I told my aunt, I wanted to be alone with my husband. My MIL was here and we didn't ask her. Fast forward, to later in the day. My calls, baby is sleeping, I get a call, HOW DARE YOU GO AGAINST WHAT I WANTED, nothing said about the baby or Rich and I. I was hysterical, a couple of selfish and Bitch were thrown at me. Baby woke up and started to cry. This was after I went to the house with a pajama set, slippers, and nightgown for my sister. It has always been this way. Now, she tells me that when my father dies, my brother will loose his SS. He is sczephrenic(sic) but will not take meds. I am so used to taking this shit, and tied to the shit, I don't think I can break away.

[SheltieLover]

25. Well, that's certainly your choice.

So long as it is your conscious choice to remain tied to your abuser.

[Diamond_Dog]

14. Once my mother called my house 22 times in a row.

I knew it was her. She wanted to know if we had gotten home from a vacation. I had just walked in the door and had a gazillion things to do. She was mad we went somewhere and had fun without her. I did not answer the phone…..

[debm55]

16. But Diamond, what if she had a medical proplem? That's what keeps me answering.

[Diamond_Dog]

19. I totally understand deb

The only reason I didn’t answer that time was because I knew my sister was there with her. She told me mom sat there and hit Redial 22 times and got mad when I wouldn’t pick up. She had no idea whether I was home or not anyway! This was before the days of answering machines. My sis pleaded with her to stop calling here but she would not stop.

We eventually hired caregivers to stay with her around the clock because she had fallen a couple times while home alone. Of course that was another story, why did we hire strangers to take care of her when it should be family doing it. I probably should have tried to take her in here with me but we had zero space in a small 50s era house with my 3 kids and she couldn’t do stairs. My sis lived in a small,apartment so she couldn’t do it either. I know, it’s a constant worry in the back of your mind about answering the phone. I could go on and on but you have probably heard the same thing too often!

[debm55]

23. No Diamond, I am the oldest, I guess they want my help-monetarily and presence.

[irisblue]

24. My dear friend, again I suggest muting her then checking the voice mail/text in an hour

Are you getting mental health treatment for Complex Trauma and CPTSD from your family of birth? Your egg donor is holding your love for your sperm donor as hostage to get your unwavering obedience and attention.

Her online gambling addiction is not yours to help her with, her addiction to raging *at you* is something you do not need to accept.

The trauma she is doing will echo in your life, possibly into your childs' life and so on.

Call your Dr, ask for a referral to a family trauma & abuse counselor.
You deserve a happy life, your spouse deserves good things, your son deserves all the joys and happiness in life.

[debm55]

27. iris, I will try. Thank you.I see a shrink and counselor. I try to hide stuff from husband and son.

[irisblue]

28. Your partner and child know your egg donor is fucking you over and hurting you

They both know.

[irisblue]

29. Hey debm, checking in on you today, Wednesday 30 November, how are you & yours today?