Not sure why the ups and downs (NOT a rant).

[Denninmi]

I am really puzzled as to why I'm having such ups and downs. Ok, I am willing to concede it could be a symptom, but I highly doubt it. To me it seems like just a flood of emotion coming out during a very stressful time. I am entitled to that -- people going through traumatic events, such as having a terminally ill relative, or in the middle of a messy divorce, often behave this way, and it doesn't mean they are mentally ill, it just means they are human, and need some reassurance and support at a bad time in their lives.

I do want the roller coaster of emotion to stop. No denying that.

It strikes me as very odd that mental illness is the only category of disease for which our medical and legal system allow, and even condone, forceable treatment and incarceration of patients against their will. No one does this to cardiac patients, pulling them from their homes and lives and forcing them into quadruple bypass surgery if they fail to eat right or exercise properly or stop smoking. So, why are we as a group singled out, not only for involuntary treatment, but also involuntary detention and the subsequent maltreatment from the greater society? It seems so unjust to me.

I had a very good day yesterday, nice long ride to and from my training session, clear progress being made there, then came home and got a lot done. No one is going to tell me it was mania or psychosis or whatever label anyone wants to put on it, I was doing the same things millions of other people in this country did yesterday, some play, some chores, all good.

Never again am I going to be so weak and vulnerable that I allow some event, big like my experience with psych. #1, or small like the comment of the nurse, to crush me emotionally and force me into doing something against my will. I don't need a parole officer or nanny. I'm a big boy, no, I'm a grown man, and can take care of myself.

Final thought, I was thinking of all of this, the good and bad, and I realized one good thing coming out of this train wreck is the fact I can see in myself that my problems are far from insolvable. Thinking about the people I was put in with at the hospital, I realized it was like triage after the crash of a passenger jet. So many severely wounded people, severed limbs, massive head injuries, sever burns, and I was walking among them with my wounds, a sprained wrist and a one inch gash on my forehead, and despite the wounds and the trauma of it all, I was helping them. Which I really tried to do at the hospital, of course I had bad times, but I was also the cheerleader and coach trying to make them, and myself, feel better.

[Denninmi]

2. Actually, yes, I guess when I think about that, you're right.

I don't know how widespread these practices would be, certainly the patient population of some of them would be quite small. Multiple drug resistant tb is on the rise though, as an example.

I guess I'm just not really sure of the complete answer to resolving all of this mess to the point I can put it behind me, view it as a learning experience, and move on. It reminds me of a large jigsaw puzzle out of the box -- I know all of the pieces are there, but I'm just not sure how to put it together into an intact whole picture. Some of the answer is simply time.

I guess perhaps the old saying "living well is the best revenge" may be the best I ever do at resolving all of this.

[Denninmi]

3. I guess the simple answer to my basic, headline question is:

Because I'm bipolar. Just another one of those fundamental truths that can't be denied.

[Tobin S.]

4. I can't make any promises, Dennis

But your chances of making a full recovery are much better if you keep working on yourself in therapy, going to the doctor, and taking your meds. Your life will probably get a lot better with, as you said somewhere here, a little time.

[Denninmi]

5. Well, yes, I know that. And I have no intention of not doing that.

I guess the thing is, I seem to be getting progressively more upset with not that this experience happened, but how it happened, and then I extrapolate that to other issues. I looked back at some posts from August, and it's like my fear of this situation is still the same.

Looking back at my admittedly bizarre little rant of two days ago, I guess the two themes are pain, humiliation, and a feeling of victimization about what happened, and fear it will happen again.

Coupled with this feeling of injustice done to me is the feeling that I need to do something to feel I can make a stand for myself if I have to. Then I ask myself it is better long-term to let this go, and it's a question of how. So I alternate between wanting to really research the legal aspect of my experience and prepare the best possible case for my position that fundamental rights were violated, file a formal complaint with MI LARA, and telling myself to just drop it and move on.

The other issues, can I be comfortable around a doctor and feel safe telling them what is going on with me, good or bad, and not fear being "sent away" for saying the wrong thing? I think so, as long as the doctor treats me with just a little respect and takes my feelings into consideration.


And, can I ever convince myself I'm not "damaged goods"? I get upset when I perceive someone else is treating me that way, but I can't shake the feeling that I am irredeemable in the long run and that it will never get better.

Up, down, up, down ... Getting to be really tedious.

[Tobin S.]

6. You don't hurt anyone, you contribute to society, and you are able to support yourself

I wouldn't exactly call that irredeemable. You are doing a better than a lot of people who don't have a mental illness. And nobody is perfect. We all have baggage. We've all been hurt at some point and some of us have hurt others. At the very least, we all have dents and scratches on our psyches even if we don't have to see a shrink. You're a good guy, Dennis, and worthy of a good life. Believe it because it's true.

[Denninmi]

7. I can't believe it, I would like to, can't. Bottom line, I fucked this situation up beyond repair.

I wrote out three separate "epic rants" as replies. Each time, instead of posting, I cut and pasted to Word. I have quite the little set of Cliff Notes for Wednesday's therapy session. I won't inflict any more of this crap on DU MHSG. It's beyond tiring, even to me.

Bottom line, I used to be a problem solver who could fix things. I don't have a clue how to fix this. And I hope someone else does, and if they do, I hope they'll share it with me, because I'm sick and tired of this shit. It's got to end. And it never ends, every little thing the Universe does it seems to do for the sole purpose of reminding me just what a piece of useless garbage I am. And that hurts.