Good essay, Huff Post: "My husband's unconscious racism almost destroyed our marriage"

[pnwmom]

***POSTED TO THE AFRICAN AMERICAN FORUM***

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/the-establishment/my-husbands-unconscious-r_b_10322380.html

Needless to say, dating white men was tiring. I had to constantly be on guard, preparing myself for their racist comments. And I knew they were coming. I knew there would be a point where I’d have to talk about why I could say n***** and they couldn’t. I knew there’d be a conversation about Black on Black crime. I KNEW there’d be some fucked up assumption about Black people that I’d have to dismantle and then beat my white date over the head with—thereby ending whatever the fuck we were doing together. And I really wasn’t there for that shit.

But you know how they say timing is everything? Kevin entered my life at a particularly vulnerable point. My father had passed three months before we met. He’d been sick for over a decade with cancer and I spent that entire time blocking out everyone. When he passed, all that energy I’d used protecting myself started to dissipate and my walls softened. I started letting people in. I was willing and capable of giving people opportunities to be a part of my life, and I was also willing to do the work to keep them there.

That’s why I let Kevin in, but it’s not why I kept him around. . . .

[MrScorpio]

1. Beautiful essay...

And then I made the mistake of reading the comment sections.

Oooh boy.

[Pluvious]

9. Thank you for the warning

I will avoid that !

[JustAnotherGen]

2. I can't with this girl/woman

She entered that marriage dishonest with herself and without a true understanding of who she is. Take race out of it - these two are not very aware.

I also don't understand how she could have married someone with so little empathy. My husband's mother had just died when the Trayvon Martin murderer got away with it. He was sitting in his parents house in Italy in the morning when it was announced and his first instinct was to call me and say, "How the hell did this happen?!?!". The flip side was the Meredith Kercher murder drama that played out over there for a few years and numerous vociferous discussions between the two of us - with me not understanding how their justice system worked. They were going on at the same time.

She starts out with little respect for the institution of marriage (the plan to marry 3 times). Talks about the dating scene. Doesn't realize how odd his behavior was in pursuit of her. Goes along to get along. Made their relationship all about his friends and family. Then the fog lifts?

I can't relate to her.I get the "perception" of black women in America thing - but to be that far along and hear laughter about "at least we won't get shot". She caught a lemon - her husband should have been like . . ."I don't trust those people with my wife and that's why I'm armed."

I can't relate to this relationship. She should cut her losses and bounce. She's married three years and is probably younger than I was when I met my husband. She has time. Bounce, spend a few years deep with HERSELF, then proceed with life.

[pnwmom]

3. As she explained, she'd been caring for a dying parent for ten years and he had just

died a few months before. She was vulnerable.

And it sounds like her husband had empathy in other ways -- more so than other men she'd been with . . but had this major blind spot.

Maybe her expectations were low because of past relationships with men?

[JustAnotherGen]

4. I read that piece

And it's a non excuse.

I think she had low expectations - because she had low expectations of herself.

I'm stuck on the "practice marriage" thing.

She also appears to have limited herself to one dating pool. That created a bubble of what is acceptable and she made a decision on that bubble's parameters.

I wish people wouldn't marry until they have a core belief system in place. In a way - she isn't being fair to him. He married her with the belief that his point of view was acceptable.

People aren't their principles (I hate The Way We Were but I've got to agree with Hubbell here). However they are their life experiences. We make choices about what we experience. We also make choices about our timelines.This was a "next natural step" as opposed to "this is the person who I want to disagree with for the rest of my life."

[PatSeg]

8. Also

Perhaps they really do love each other and as such, are willing to work through their issues. It is easy for us to be analytical and pragmatic about someone else's relationship as we are not emotionally invested.

It was a very well written essay and a fascinating read.

[JustAnotherGen]

11. Politics is politics

Insert drinking, gaming, a hobby she dislikes, religion, to have children or not . . .

I'm going to offer my insight and experience. Assisted in founding and running a relationship focused message board for ten years, then flipped to an ezine for single women 35 and older. I was single for a long time. She's like the woman who would struggle with her husband's selfless love for his children as a stepmom/girlfriend.

When the red flags smack you in the face, upside the head, and in the ass - you bounce or post it note it (shame on me for that one).

I wish them the best of luck - but from that first fight . . . He showed her who she was and she should have believed him.

I have the advantage of being the product of a 40+ year black/white marriage and being married to a white man myself.

The only racey thing my husband did prior to marriage was "tug my hair" while watching Good Hair (checking to see how expensive I was) and after marriage - he insists to every single man from his region in Italy that are living in the U.S. that they should keep black women in their dating pool - because in his mind we are like the women from back home. He describes us both (Calabrese and black American women) like house fraus. *smdh*

No seriously PatSeg - smack me upside the head because I signed up for that.

[PatSeg]

12. 40+ years!

I am fascinated by people who stay married for decades. They are often the people we least expect to last and those so-called "perfect couples" many times only survive a few years.

I believe the hardest thing most people do in life is marriage. Just the concept that two people, from different backgrounds can move in together and share a life seems improbable. Philosophy, religion, ethnicity, race, economic status aside, just the differences in day-to-day habits or preferences can be major hurtles to overcome. I am in awe of people who can accomplish it, though I can't say I have any regrets that I did not. Saying that, I am sure I would have stuck with it if the fighting hadn't been so violent and degrading. Eventually I got too used to being alone and men can be so high maintenance (two children was enough for me).

How did you react when he tugged your hair?

[JustAnotherGen]

15. I laughed!

After I said "ouch". And "I bought it at the store of mom and dad."

[PatSeg]

18. Sounds like he's a keeper!

[JustAnotherGen]

24. He is

Kindest person I ever met. But I'm glad you got out of your situation. Better to be single than sorry.

ETA: Here's the documentary that triggered the episode:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1213585/

Black Girl School 101

[PatSeg]

25. Oh definitely

It wasn't easy raising children on my own, but not as hard as living day-to-day with a volatile personality. We got along well for many years after we split up however.

I loved that movie and found it totally fascinating. I am amazed at what can be done do hair, it is like an art form. I can understand your then husband-to-be pulling your hair. I think most white people are tempted to do so!

[wildeyed]

7. Not defending her, really, but she sounds both immature and insecure,

so I have some sympathy. I stayed with the wrong men for years until I figured out that people don't really change. Luckily, I didn't get married before I knew that, but there was a close call. Could have gone either way.

I do agree that she should bounce. They are still in the honeymoon period. If it is hard now, wait until they have a couple of kids and someone gets laid off from a job. And there was no sense that she is crazy in love with the man, either.

[JustAnotherGen]

10. Thanks

You stared it better than I could -

she sounds both immature and insecure

They won't last through two major crisis points.

[pnwmom]

14. It seems to me that she and her husband are on a path,

working toward greater awareness and maturity.

Why not applaud them for trying?

[JustAnotherGen]

16. Because for me

You should come to the table self aware.

This narrative to me reads "tragic mulatto" or "tragic mixed couple".

[Kind of Blue]

28. I applaud them, too.

In a marriage Everything is on the table, conscious or unconscious, but racism is that added extra and it's a biggie. Nobody outside a marriage could thoroughly understand what brings two people together and makes them stay. The author and her husband are getting what they need no matter the obstacle and are doing what couples do - work it out.

[1StrongBlackMan]

19. I read the piece and ...

simply cannot relate to the writer, beyond the reasons that you mention.

It seems that she dated white guys BECAUSE they were white ... that is an issue.

[pnwmom]

20. Interesting. I thought she implied that she dated them despite their being white,

not because. For example,

There was only one concern: He was white. I’d been in the dating scene for a while and while I didn’t think race should matter, I definitely knew it did. I’d met my share of white men looking for a “Nubian goddess” (their words, not mine). Or the ones who believed that Black women would offer some kind of freaky, wild sexual experience. I’d met white men who wanted to demean and defile me, white men who wanted to dominate or be dominated by me, and white men who just wanted to check a Black woman off their sexual bucket list. Not to mention the ones who thought that being with me somehow made them “edgy” or proved they weren’t racist. I mean, not every white guy has a “David Duke cock“ right?

Needless to say, dating white men was tiring. I had to constantly be on guard, preparing myself for their racist comments. And I knew they were coming. I knew there would be a point where I’d have to talk about why I could say n***** and they couldn’t. I knew there’d be a conversation about Black on Black crime. I KNEW there’d be some fucked up assumption about Black people that I’d have to dismantle and then beat my white date over the head with—thereby ending whatever the fuck we were doing together. And I really wasn’t there for that shit.

[1StrongBlackMan]

22. What I got from that is that she is a confused woman ...

she dated (multiple) white men, despite it being "tiring", because ...?

[JustAnotherGen]

21. I didn't want to write it

Thank you for doing so.

I can't judge her for that. But - maybe this experience is the norm for her?

Anyone can catch a bigot - the single most racially prejudiced man I dated was a Coptic Christian Egyptian (Arab) immigrant. That was a text.

[1StrongBlackMan]

23. I suspect you are correct about her norm ...

The "cosplay" point was a tell for me.

[brer cat]

5. That is a very powerful essay.

As both a woman and a white person, she grabbed me quickly and didn't let go. That she and Kevin were willing to confront the racial issues and work through them put her in a unique position to shine light in dark spaces that most of us (white people) don't visit.

This comment rang my bell: "Instead of focusing on how my Blackness affected us, we started focusing on how his whiteness affected us". I have been on the wrong side of that both professionally and personally, and that is my unconscious racism and white supremacy rearing its head.

I'm glad you posted this, pnwmom.

[aikoaiko]

6. It kind of works as a metaphor for societal relations.

[Number23]

13. A remarkable essay. Thanks for posting. As someone who has never, ever been "ashamed" of my

blackness and was surrounded by black people growing up, I can't relate to that aspect of this woman's piece.

But there are few black people that can't relate to the BS that the white supremacist society is always telling us, especially this bit:

Growing up Black in America, you learn to ignore a lot of racist shit, especially if you are moving in white spaces. I was taught that white spaces were aspirational, that access to these spaces meant success. That’s a white supremacist ideology, but we live in a white supremacist society, so it’s also true: all-white spaces are where a lot of power brokering happens.

I don't know how many times I've said to white people that I went to all black schools growing up and the first question out of their mouth is, "oh. Were those GOOD schools??" Does anyone think I'd get that same response if I'd noted that I'd gone to all white schools?

Racism messes with people. Inside, out and top to bottom. And if you are not taught to understand who you are and be proud of who you are, which it doesn't sound as though this young woman was, it can lead to all manner of self-inflicting wounds.

[JustAnotherGen]

17. Do you think her "shame"

Perhaps allowed her to overlook his core beliefs?

I was in a white school district until I was put in a Catholic prep school that was still majority white - but a good mix just the same.

Black excellence was the expectation - not the exception in my family regardless of the environment.

Father's Family Name Don't Ask Permission. It's not in the fabric of my being.

I don't understand how she could have selected him.

[Number23]

27. I wouldn't doubt it at all. When you don't like yourself you will do ANYTHING to destroy yourself

because you don't think you deserve any better.

She has clearly been terribly damaged by this country's white supremacist system and has allowed that to affect how she views herself. It's really hard not to.

[snot]

26. Excellent!

I'd be interested in the reactions of other PoC's.