A Sensible Alternative to Guns
I wrote this a few years ago. Thought I would let it see the light again in lights of the last few months... Enjoy! 
A Sensible Alternative to Guns
(A Proposal)
Recent political discourse and media coverage have, as of late, been largely focused on pounding everyone about the head with the idea of the government playing doctor with everyone in the country. As a result, many of the other important issues and talking points have been unceremoniously brushed aside like a bad case of dandruff.
I would, thus, like to take a moment to re-visit one of these recently abandoned topics and present what I feel would be a solution that would be suitable for all involved.
Gun Control.
While being a subject close to the hearts and minds of Red-neck Christian Nut-jobs and Racist Second Amendment Freaks everywhere, I firmly believe the government –and our beloved leader– can take a strong and commanding role in leading our country in the right direction in beating the Right-to-Bear-Arms into a bloody pulp once and for all. If done with care and understanding, we could well see the day when we are finally rid of gun-toting maniacs wandering the streets.
But how will the common man defend himself against the violent thugs, criminals, and conservative evil-doers once guns are no longer available to the public at large? The solution is simple: Federal Regulation. The powers that rightfully plot the course of our lives can help lead us in the proper direction, as it has always done since the days of Woodrow Wilson. It can all be summed up in a single word:
Puppies.
You have read correctly, dear reader. Puppies.
Allow me to elaborate. Upon being confronted with a gun-wielding maniac intent on depriving one of life, money, or NRA membership card, simply throw a puppy at the underprivileged individual. Distracted by the cuteness of said canine and disarmed by the sad eyes and wagging tail, the misguided malcontent will immediately give up all attempts to incite further harm and duress upon their intended victim. After all, what self-respecting human being could possibly resist the allure of a loveable, adorable puppy?
The Federal Government can play an important role in helping American Citizens to better defend themselves. I propose a two-part program that can easily be funded without raising the taxes of the average American by one cent.
The first phase of this program, called “Greenbacks for Guns”, will present each individual a credit voucher for each weapon required to be voluntarily turned in. These vouchers can then be used toward the purchase of a new puppy of that individual’s choice. In order to ensure proper and fair distribution of puppies among Americans who represent minority and/or underprivileged areas of society, the choice of breed should be broken down as follows:
African American Citizens
Beagle, Jack-Russell Terrier, Labrador, or Alaskan or Siberian husky pups.
Hispanic or Non-Registered Working Citizens
Basset Hound, Collie, German Sheppard, or Cocker Spaniel pups.
Asian, Middle Eastern, and Single Mothers
Golden Retriever, Boston terrier, Doberman, or Saint Bernard pups.
White People (Income $0 - $25,000)
Pug or Chihuahua pups
White People (Income $25,000 - $200,000)
Bulldog pup.
White People (Income $200,000 and up)
One adult cat. *
*A $30,000 annual charge for litter disposal will be charged to the cat holder. This money will go toward the funding the Cash for Greenbacks and other related programs.
The firearms collected during these trade-ins will be carefully packaged and shipped to Mexico for safe and proper disposal.
As is obvious to any layperson, this program is only effective so long as the puppies in question remain cute and cuddly. Since the puppies will eventually grow into adult dogs, they will naturally be of no further use. This will then bring us to the second phase of the program, called “Cash for Canines”.
American citizens may trade in their old, outdated mongrels for new puppies. For each adult dog traded in, another voucher good toward the purchase of a new puppy will be awarded. Due to the need to ensure fair distribution of funds, cats will not be accepted under this part of the program as they have no legitimate value anyway.
All adult dogs turned in through this manner will be packaged and shipped to the soon-to-be-commissioned Michael Vick Institute for Animal Retirement for proper and humane disposal so as to help keep the stray population under control.
As can be plainly seen, such a program can work to both ensure the safety of American citizens and redevelop a sense of trust in the Federal Government’s ability to manage the lives of it people. By working together, we can all build a brighter future and a safer tomorrow.
