My wife says I never listen.

[Duncanpup]

And something else.

[Martin Eden]

1. My wife bought me a T-shirt with stick figures of husband & wife

In captions:

Wife:
You never listen to a word I say. You only hear what you want to hear.

Husband:
Sure, I'll have a beer.

[The Jungle 1]

2. My wife said shut up.

I thought she said stand up.
No supper again.

[panader0]

5. An old bricklayer co-worker had his front teeth missing. I asked how that happened.

He said someone said shut up and I thought he said stand up.

[The Jungle 1]

7. That was always the joke when someone would cut there head or get a bruise on their face.

It is a good line and always gets a laugh.

That said I worked with thousands of guys in union shops. Domestic violence goes both ways.

On my kids head this is a true story.
Number 1 son and wife were playing street hockey in the driveway. Yea he wacked her with the stick.
She goes to work the next day and the big Marine ask her if she wants him to talk to me.
So on one hand I don't really want to go up against this Marine. On the other hand it is nice to know he is looking our for her.

[panader0]

8. what trade?

[The Jungle 1]

9. I served an apprenticeship in the Maintenance Machinist trade.

By the end of my working days I was a skilled Machinist, a skilled industrial Mechanic, a half ass electrician, a decent welder fabricator and some plumbing just for good measure.
Equipment diagnostics was my favorite part of the job. Fun fact: If something is wrong with a machine then most of the time it has something to do with the last thing you touched.
I had several jobs in the aircraft industry. The most technical equipment was the job in the printing industry. Placing dots.

[KS Toronado]

11. You're dead on there "the last thing you touched"

Have several funny stories about when I was asked for my 2 cents worth when the entire shop couldn't
figure out what was wrong with something. Yep, always start by asking for the HISTORY of the problem.

[SouthernDem4ever]

3. LOL

Perfect!

[Bavorskoami]

4. My hearing loss is in the frequency range of my wife's voice.

My version of the OP is: My wife says I never listen. At least that's what I think she said.

[Squaredeal]

6. My wife exaggerates. "I told you ten times", she says.

I’m no sure that she even told me once.

[KS Toronado]

10. Hagar's MIL said the same thing