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Sat Oct 27, 2018, 03:20 AM

So I'm trying my hand at writing

Last edited Sun Oct 28, 2018, 05:05 PM - Edit history (3)

I would like construction criticism on how to get better. Writing is definitely something I enjoy doing. I'm thinking about short stories starting off. I have thousands of hours of real life adventures that I'm pretty sure anyone would enjoy. However, I figured I'd write a piece on something relative to today climate. I do know there is going to be grammatical errors as the only proofreading that was done, was autocorrect. So here it is, I'd love to get some honest feedback.

This country wasnt founded on freedom, but on the broken backs of African Americans, Latinos, Chinese, and other People of Color. As soon as it became clear that they were more "highly advanced" than the Indigenous Natives. The writing was on the wall.

Racism, wasnt acknowledged and was at the very centerpiece of our country. All men are created equal, except for African Americans, Natives, and other POC.

Our country was split into two nations. Neighbor against neighbor, then everyone thought, "Oh there'll be no more problems, we fought a war to free them the slaves."

Racism was never acknowledged, then AA's & POC were used as legal slaves within the prison system and Jim Crow law.

Racism was never acknowledged

People kept their heads down and mouths shut during the Indian Wars (Should read Native Extermination with some resettlements)

The racism was never acknowledged

A second World War was fought in Europe, AA's and other POC (Japanese, Navajo) once again showed that that they will fight harder than anyone just to prove that they are just as American as any other person.

Racism was never acknowledged and those American Heroes were lynched, arrested, and held back.

Then something happened, that for sure would fix the problem. The Civil Rights era brought in new and still just as strong African American leaders with a new National voice to be heard across the country.

But still, racism was never acknowledged. Soon after the Civil Rights, race riots broke throughout the country over inequalities and racism from the police. An African American was videotaped beaten like an animal and shown to the country during their dinner. The police were acquitted and Los Angeles burned again.

Racism STILL wasnt acknowledged but "lessons were learned". More than ever, POC were integrating at some of the nations highest levels. People would say, "Oh we finally have an AA senator, CEO, owner" (as if they were never capable of doing so before)

An African American runs for President! Oh joy, finally an end to racism!

However, racism was not acknowledged. Police beating, and cases of brutality started filling YouTube channels, and White America was finally getting a peak into AA's daily struggle. Being pulled over while black was now a new phrase (but only to white Americans).

Racism was now being denied. There is solid proof out there that AA and other POC are being harassed by the police, teachers, and other people in power.

An African American sportsman took to the field once again like Mohammed Ali, Tommie Smith and John Carlos and kneeled, peacefully protesting the treatment of AA's and other POC by the police. But now we had new president.

Racism was being openly condoned by the "Most Powerful Man in the World". How dare an AA kneel during OUR anthem? Forgetting that this country was built by African Americans, and giving the greenlight for everyone else to be "just a little more racist" because the President of the U.S. is doing it.

Racism is still being denied by White and other Americans. Until this problem is acknowledged, processed, and then dealt with. I dont think we will ever have a "United States".

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Arrow 9 replies Author Time Post
Reply So I'm trying my hand at writing (Original post)
Separation Oct 2018 OP
kag Oct 2018 #1
Separation Oct 2018 #2
kag Oct 2018 #3
PoindexterOglethorpe Nov 2018 #4
Separation Nov 2018 #5
Justice4JFK Nov 2018 #6
Separation Nov 2018 #7
LineNew Reply )
codysartony Jan 2019 #8
Name removed Sep 2019 #9

Response to Separation (Original post)

Sun Oct 28, 2018, 12:37 PM

1. Congrats, Separation!

Writing is fun, but putting it out there for people to read can be VERY scary. I absolutely applaud your initiative, and encourage you to continue. I will endeavor to be as constructive (and yes, the phrase is "constructive" criticism) as possible.

Your piece, I would assert, is more an essay than a story. In fact, in places it reads almost like free-verse poetry. Nothing wrong with that, but you should be clear about your intentions, and frame the readers' expectations appropriately.

You are obviously passionate about your subject matter, and it shows. This is important. Readers are able to discern a lot reading between the lines, and a lack of enthusiasm about ones' subject certainly shows, even in the most cursory reading. So, well done.

I appreciate the warning that it hasn't been proofed for spelling, punctuation, etc., but in the future you might want to proof it before asking others for comments. There are many spelling and punctuation errors, to the point that it sometimes distorts what I believe you were trying to say. For instance, in paragraph nine (9) you wrote, "Racism was acknowledged and those American Heroes were lynched..." I believe you left out the "never" so the sentence is confusing, but with all of the other uncorrected typos it is difficult to tell whether or not this was intentional. If you like, I could proof it for all of the spelling, etc. issues, but you might prefer that to be a private exchange. Having said that, even the most aggressive grammar nazi makes mistakes. I would hate for anyone to proofread this comment, for instance. The idea is to attempt an error-free piece; and when someone points out a typo or punctuation error, don't be offended. Correct it, and move on, secure in the confidence that no one else will see that error.

You might want to work on paragraph construction. In an essay paragraphs should start with an overall thesis or introduction, then followed by a defense or explanation, and finished with a conclusion or resolution of the subject. There is nothing wrong with short paragraphs, but one- or two-sentence paragraphs are often used for emphasis. Having your entire piece composed of these short paragraphs makes it read like--again--poetry.

I would encourage you to develop a thick skin. People can be brutal in their comments, even when they are attempting to be constructive. Just remember, it's not personal (usually). When you ask for help, be prepared to receive it and use it to make yourself a better writer. And always remember--it's your work. It has your name on it. If you receive comments that are less than constructive and obviously a matter of opinion, the only opinion that matters is yours. Feel free to ignore them.

I would be happy to proofread more of your work, and I do hope there will be more.

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Response to kag (Reply #1)

Sun Oct 28, 2018, 04:55 PM

2. Wow, thank you!

I totally know what you mean about having the need for thick thick skin. I did 20 years in the military, so I am no stranger to the occasional ass chewing.

You are also correct about the way I structured the paragraphs. To be honest, I didn't know myself if the piece was going to be essay form, or a poetry type piece and that in itself probably will lead the read to confusion. That's the type of criticism I love!

I'd also be honored for you to look over some of my work. Like ya said we can work that out through DM's. I have a few ideas that I have been mulling over in my head, but now I just need to put them down to print.

AFTER EDIT: And you're correct once again! I did leave out the never.

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Response to Separation (Reply #2)

Sun Oct 28, 2018, 09:09 PM

3. You're welcome!

Feel free to email me on DU when you have something you want me to look at. I'm on DU pretty much every day, usually several times a day (often procrastinating when I should be writing ).

I don't always have time to look things over quickly, but I promise to do my best. Both my kids are in college, and I'm always reading their papers for them. In our house the division of labor is always very clear: Mom--English and History, Dad--Math and Science.

I'm sort of anal about grammar, punctuation and spelling, and I like to think I'm decent at content as well. So, if I'm going to read something, I kind of can't help but proof it. At least when I'm asked to do it I know I have a willing recipient. (Unsolicited proofreading is about as welcome as herpes.)

Anyway, good luck. I look forward to your next endeavor.

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Response to Separation (Original post)

Thu Nov 1, 2018, 02:07 AM

4. Construction criticism?

I suppose you mean constructive criticism, but the error makes you seem like someone who doesn't have a clue what you're talking about.

Start by carefully proofing what you write, make sure it means what you intend. Because honestly, I can't really figure out what you actually intend in this post.

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Response to PoindexterOglethorpe (Reply #4)

Thu Nov 1, 2018, 10:10 AM

5. Damn, well now I just feel like a total ass.

I probably should have done this on my desktop, rather than write it out on my cell phone. I use a program that would have caught most of those errors.

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Response to Separation (Original post)

Mon Nov 12, 2018, 04:33 PM

6. Best Wishes!

Writing <---- what a daunting undertaking, but your positive attitude/outlook should serve you well. Am encouraged that others posting within this thread have been completely honest with you, yet encouraging as well. All of that said, I like your subject matter; however, because of its sensitive nature can be potentially explosive if slanted too much one way or the other on whose to blame. Pointing fingers at one another has never worked, thus the challenge to promote what does. How does one help the majority of the population come to terms, let alone care, about the challenges race relations have posed down through history, and still pose today? Thank you for caring to try. On this Veteran's Day, Thank You! very MUCH for your service on the front lines of freedom over the last two decades. Semper Fi!

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Response to Justice4JFK (Reply #6)

Mon Nov 12, 2018, 06:49 PM

7. Thank you!

I have to remember that when writing you definately have to know your audience and be sure of the style of writing that you want to do. My OP post would have gone over like a wet fart in a deeply rural church.

Thank you for that bit of info.

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Response to Separation (Original post)

Wed Jan 23, 2019, 06:18 AM

8. )


I agree with the opinion above - writing is easier than publishing. I myself am a writer and I know how it is when you are afraid of criticism and you cannot decide to publish it. but if you are confident in your abilities then good luck to you)

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Response to Separation (Original post)

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