I did not want to post, but my grief has overcome me

[TxDemChem]

Last edited Sun Oct 13, 2013, 12:21 AM - Edit history (3)

Tomorrow is the 21st anniversary of my little sister's death. And although I have been an agnostic most of my life, last December something changed.

This is the first time I have ever had to deal with her death as an atheist. Knowing that I won't see her again has brought on a new level of pain that I could not have imagined.

How are we (atheists) to deal with this? I'm glad she's no longer in pain, but I still feel no relief from my heartache. This is so new to me.

Anyone have any advice?


UPDATE: sorry it's taken so long to respond to all other posts after the 3rd, but hubby insisted I drink some herbal tea and take a nap. I'm up now.

UPDATE 2: After sleeping on it and embracing reality by reading the posts if quite a few wonderful non- believers , I actually feel much better. While I grieve my sister's death, I have now come to appreciate the time we had together. As morbid as this might be, I watched her take her last breath as she held on to my finger. She was one of the most beautiful people I had ever met. My daughter looked so much like her, that I had to name her after her aunt. I never wanted any children after witnessing my sister's death, but I think I was really fortunate to have a child who reminded me of her. Perhaps I will never have another , but I see my sister in my daughter's eyes. There have been many days when I have realized that I need to play multiple roles to my daughter and she seems the better for it. I feel as if I am working at two relationships at once in the same person, but my daughter has seen multiple sides me. I can be strict when necessary , but I can also be a friend. (Considering that she' a 16 now, I'm more of the strict personality). I think this whole situation may have made me a better parent and a better sibling to my surviving sister.

Thanks to all of you who have helped me find some peace today.

[Curmudgeoness]

1. I am not good at advise

but I believe that as long as someone is in our hearts and minds, they are not gone from us forever. Keep her memory alive by remembering her fondly, which it sounds like you are doing.

I also do not think that there is relief from heartache if you do believe that you will see her again in another life. I have watched too many true believers in pain over the loss of a loved one to think that it will all be gone if you just believe. Some suffer more than many of us who are atheists, so I don't see it as an alleviation of suffering.

I am sorry that this is so painful to you, and I am sorry that you lost your sister.

[TxDemChem]

4. Thank you for your advice.

There are days when I see her in my daughter. Heck, I even gave my daughter her initials (and her middle name) to let her memory live on.

It seems I'd forgotten that Kirsten lives on in my heart and that her niece, who reminds me so much of her, is there everyday.

Thank you for reminding me of that.

[Warpy]

2. Actually, people with NDEs suggest you will see her again

They know the brain is firing all circuits for some time after clinical death, probably flooded with happy neurotransmitters, endorphins and enkephalins. Whether it's a hallucination as we float out of existence on a tide of happy hormones or a literal trip to some happy hunting ground, nobody knows because it's a one way trip. To us, even ten minutes of pure bliss as we see everybody we ever knew and loved will last forever.

I've been to the point that all parts of life became irrelevant, including the massive pain I was in, the beginning of that trip. It was better than any high I experienced during my drug years. I'm not afraid of going there again.

I fully expect to see everybody I've lost. I just don't expect it to be for eternity or even particularly real. Whether I'm reborn after a long rest (the Irish reincarnation) or fade out of existence is irrelevant. Bliss for eternity would become boring and I want no part of that kind of heaven.

[TxDemChem]

5. I don't know that I've ever really thought about NDEs,

but during one of my mini-strokes I regressed to years prior. When my daughter came to check on me, I didn't recognize her as my daughter. I thought I was 14 again and told her, "Kirsten, you're supposed to be dead." But it was one of the happiest days of my life. Of course, when I came to and remembered who I was (after scaring the hell out of my daughter), I actually felt a tremendous sense of peace.

For that one moment, I actually felt relief. I knew something was wrong with me, but in my mind I saw her.

That thought surprisingly just brought me comfort. I know it wasn't real and that my brain was undergoing trauma, but that really brought me peace at the time. Even now, I feel better knowing that even while I list my ability to move and (temporarily) my memory, that she was the first person I thought of. She'll always be in my heart.

[LostOne4Ever]

3. All I can tell you

Is that our loved ones live on in our memories, and so long as we remember them and celebrate their lives and legacies a part of them will always be here with us.

I feel that our grief is a testament to how greatly we loved them and how they affected our lives. As painful as it may be, I believe that grief is important part of saying goodbye to our loved ones while at the same time keeping that piece of themselves that they invested in you alive.

As skeptics, we are not afforded the comfort of thinking we will see our lost loved ones again. But I personally would rather deal with my grief and truly get the chance to fully express how much they meant to me than to engage in a false hope of seeing them again. I feel, that this false hope cheapens the loss and to a degree denies us the chance to truly say goodbye. I would rather wade through the pain and truly express my grief than do that. The pain means that it was real and that our love was meaninful.

I didn't know your sister, but based on your grief I must assume that you loved each other very much. I feel confident that if she were still alive she would be touched by how much you loved her and would want to comfort you. My advise would to take solace in that and never to forget her.

I wish there was more I could say to help comfort you.

[TxDemChem]

7. Thank you so much.

For everyone else I've lost , my grief has never been so severe. And I think the fact that I no longer can find comfort in seeing her again some day has hit me really hard this year. But, you reminded me that she was so important to me and I'm glad I was there at the end. I was lucky enough to be able to tell her goodbye. Some people never have that chance, and yet I was there. I don't think I could have asked for anything more that day. I was fortunate.

[jaded_old_cynic]

6. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

The harsh reality is that you are probably correct. We will never see our loved ones again once they are gone. It is an unpleasant reality, but one that we must face, so that we can grow as a species.

Last Monday marked the 7th anniversary of my husband's death. (Cancer) I was an atheist then, and I am now. My atheism has made me see just how precious and fleeting life is. More so than any religion ever would or could. This has taught me that I must make every moment count with those i care for, because we don't know how many more moments we will have.

You may not have your little sister with you in a physical sense, but you have her within your mind and heart, and no one can take that from you. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve for our loved ones. Take as much time as you need, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it.

Peace.

[TxDemChem]

11. I am so sorry to hear of your loss as well.

I will try harder to treasure every moment that I have on this Earth. My daughter saw fit to tell me that she loves me, invade she never gets the chance to say it again. I think my 16 year old is much smarter than I. She appreciates her loved ones in the here and now. I too will let my family know that I love them.

With Kirsten in my heart, I cannot ignore those I love. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and peace to you as well.

[WillParkinson]

8. As an atheist...

I try to make the most of every day I have with people I love because I know how fleeting life is.

I'm sincerely sorry for your loss, and hope that you'll find peace one day.

[TxDemChem]

12. I will live by your words

and spread your message of love. Thanks for your response and for inspiring me to show my love more than ever.

[jeff47]

9. Try not to think about the loss, but the reason for it.

Meaning, you feel a loss because she is no longer here. Why? Presumably because she brought all sorts of great things into your life.

Try to think about those great things. They were great. Enjoy them for what they were, instead of dwelling on not getting to have more of them. We each get this sparkle of good times in our lives, and we should spend our time thinking of that, instead of the darkness surrounding it.

At least, that's what works for me. Your mileage may vary.

[TxDemChem]

13. Thank you for your post.

Right now, I am thinking of the unconditional love I showed my sister and plan to show it to others in my family. She wasn't here long, but I cannot imagine living without expressing my gratitude for her existence to my parents, even though my mom and I haven't talked in years. The day after my sister's death anniversary is my mom's 50th birthday. Even though we don't get along, I will let her know that she is loved and that she gave me the best gift anyone could wish for.

[Brainstormy]

10. as an atheist also,

I would never make light of your grief or your pain. But your experience is exposing exactly the reason that religions exist, and that they persist. All of us would wish death away. All of us would like to live forever, or to live "again." There is no evidence that we will. No reason for buying into all that superstition in order to get the opium that dulls our reason.

But no one can really die as long as someone remembers them. And your sister isn't suffering. The only suffering is your own human longing. Be at peace knowing that she is at peace. And see her again, whenever you wish, through your own happy memories of her.

[TxDemChem]

14. I think that is why I held on to agnosticism for so long.

I hoped against hope that I would again see my sister one say , but I realize now that it was a pipe dream. I accept that we will never meet again, but that her memory lives on in my daughter , who looked and acted just like her as a baby. I don't believe in god, but I do believe that my daughter has given our family a second chance. She allowed us to love again. I don't think I could wish for anything more.

[Hissyspit]

15. Would your sister want you to feel this much pain?

Whether you are an atheist or not?

Would she want you to miss her? I would guess yes.

Would she want you to feel sadness at her absence? i would guess yes.

Would she want you to be in pain? I would guess no.

Can you find a way to hold on to her and to her loss and to her wishes, but not the pain?

[TxDemChem]

17. I think you are right.

She would likely want me to miss her, but no experience the pain I have felt all these yeasts. And while I do miss her presence (she was absolutely beautiful), I cod never stand to watch her suffer. I see her in my daughter, and today I realized that she would have been a beautiful person with a kind spirit. I'm thinking if her now with the yellow bow in her hair. I have only loved one person as much as I loved her and I believe she would have grown up to be a wonderful young lady. I never wanted any children, but I gave birth to a child with her looks and temperament. It's eerie, but gratifying.

[progressoid]

16. I wish I had an answer.

I wish you had an answer for me too!

It's been three and a half years since my brother died (damn, I'm tearing up just typing this). And I think of him every day and wish I could see him again.

Most of my family are religious to some extent. Sometimes I envy their "we'll meet again" beliefs. But I wonder if it really gives them any more comfort. I was recently home visiting my parents and on two separate occasions I could still see the grief and pain they feel. I hope they are finding comfort in their beliefs but I can't say that they have weathered this storm any better than I have as a non-believer (by the way, they don't know that I gave up on religion).

Day by day. Week by week. Year by year. I just chug along. Trying to find the good in the world to embrace and savor. He would have wanted it that way.

[TxDemChem]

18. I am so sorry for your loss.

Some days are better than others, but toad ii have learned to love like you will never love again and to treasure each moment. I used to dream that we (my two sisters, my daughter and I) could take on the world. Today, there are only 3 musketeers left , but I still feel as if we together can take on the world for Kirsten.

I bet my little sister would have been a spitfire. She would definitely take take after her older 2 sisters.

In my family, we felt as if it was us against the world. I think she would be proud of what get big sisters have done.

[Vashta Nerada]

19. Here's how I deal with pain and sadness from death:

I make sure I enjoy each and every day I have with my loved ones. I treat each day like it'll be the last I'll see them. When they pass away, I'll remember the fun times I had with them and I'll cherish those memories.

I hope this makes sense, and I hope it'll help.

[TxDemChem]

20. It helps. I don't know if it's an actual memory

or one I have fabricated, but I see her having my finger and sort of smiling. I also think my dad may have mentioned something about her having gas and that's why she was smiling. I don't know if that is a true memory or something I have fabricated in my mind, but it seems very real to me.

I at least know that she wore a yellow bow in her hair. I insisted that my daughter not wear pink, but yellow as much as possible. My baby looked like a banana but I wouldn't have it any other way. Even now at 16, yellow is her color (whether she wants to accept it or not)

[AtheistCrusader]

21. The memory of your loved one continuing on is

what you make of it. Perhaps you could look into creating some sort of charitable project in her name. I don't know what she passed away from, but perhaps there is something you can do in her memory to work to ensure someone else down the line doesn't suffer the same fate.

As for how 'we' deal with this; every individual is different. I can't give you certain advice on that. I view grief as about *me*, not the person who passed away. My loss. My sorrow. So I shrug it off and celebrate that I knew them at all, and carry their memory forward in whatever small positive way I am capable of.

If, after 21 years, it still hurts as you describe, I think looking for a group of people who have dealt with this sort of loss personally would be a good thing to join, and share experiences. Sharing these sorts of things usually seems to help people get past that initial hurt. Give them space and time to turn it into something that they can contain, or use in positive ways, as they wish.

[TxDemChem]

22. You're probably right. I've thought about joining support groups in the past .

I don't know why it hit me so hard this year, but I don't think I really dealt with her death at the time she died. I don't remember really grieving before now.

Thanks for your post.

[Gore1FL]

23. I'm a little late to the ballgame here, but this might help:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4675953

[TxDemChem]

24. Thanks for the link.

My husband and I have talked about what we don't want at our funerals - particularly a sermon. We just wanted someone to talk about the things we did in life.

I never thought to attribute that attitude toward my sister's death. I used to find comfort just in knowing that she's no longer in pain, but this article actually appeals to the scientist in me. I find beauty in this universe of ours, and sometimes remind myself that I'm a bit of star dust. My little sister was a bit of star dust and I think that is just amazing.

It's never too late to lend advice to someone who's grieving. Thanks again.