Our Weekly Look into the World of Whackjobs: #1 - Rapture Ready (Loooong)

[mr blur]

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I'm starting my series with perhaps my favourite of all the deluded whackjobs who populate the less-rational areas of the Interweb Tubes: the Rapture Ready enclave.

[center]http://www.raptureready.com/

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[font style="font-family:Tahoma, Geneva, sans-serif;" size=2 color="#b83c34"]This is the strange and creepy world of Todd Strandberg ("Fearless leader and founder of RR")[/font]

On first sight, the RR website isn't too scary. It's even put together by someone who may even be too old for Elementary School (though not, as we will see, for imaginary friends and fairy stories). It looks serious and business-like (they're even set up to take your money) but it's only when you read the descriptions of what's on offer and follow a few links that you realise you have landed among the truly insane.

"Behold, I come quickly" claims Jesus right up there in the top-right. This is a line from New Testament Fan fiction Stories the Rapture junky's favourite reading, the Book of Revelation, in which He (Jesus, not Todd) promises to get back here and save The Righteous (ie not us). And kill everybody else. Or at least his Dad does. Well, one of his two Dads. (*Spoiler*: Not Joseph). It gets complicated but all you need to know is this (quotes from the RR's own FAQ):

[font style="font-family:Tahoma, Geneva, sans-serif;" size=2 color="#b83c34" ]What is the "rapture" and when will it happen?[/font]

[div class="excerpt" style="background-color:#deedfc; color:#00000 0; margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em; padding-left:15px; border:1px dashed #7a7b7d ; border-radius:1em; box-shadow:4px 4px 4px #999999;"] The rapture is an event that will take place sometime in the near future. Jesus will come in the air, catch up the Church from the earth, and then return to Heaven with the Church. In 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18, we are given a clear description of the rapture: "the dead in Christ will rise, then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord.

The main thrust of this web site is to prove that the rapture will occur prior to the beginning of the tribulation. This has been well researched and documented throughout the site. But, whether Jesus returns for the Church before, during, or after the tribulation, the primary goal is that all people are ready to face the Lord and give an account for their lives."
[font style="font-family:Tahoma, Geneva, sans-serif;" size=2 color="#b83c34"]What exactly is the tribulation?[/font]

[div class="excerpt" style="background-color:#deedfc; color:#00000 0; margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em; padding-left:15px; border:1px dashed #7a7b7d ; border-radius:1em; box-shadow:4px 4px 4px #999999;"]The word "tribulation," used as a prophetic term, comes from Jesus" Olivet discourse, during which He laid out the future course of human history all the way to its climax at His Second Coming. The Lord said, in response to His disciples' question, "What shall be the sign of thy coming, and of the end of the world?"

"For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be" (Matthew 24:21).

"Tribulation" is the term used for the general era of God's judgment on a rebellious world of earth-dwellers. It is a time that will begin with Antichrist* signing a seven-year covenant guaranteeing Israel's peace and security (Daniel 9:27). This era is kicked off, symbolically, beginning with the first horseman of the Apocalypse (Revelation 6:1).

The "Great Tribulation" is considered to be the last three and one-half years of that seven-year period known as "Daniel's seventieth week." The last three and one-half years is called "the time of Jacob's trouble" in Jeremiah 30:vii, when God's most horrific, but totally righteous, wrath is poured directly upon the rebels of planet Earth

These judgments are portrayed and precisely outlined in Revelation, chapters 6 through 19. The Tribulation will end when Christ returns from heaven to defeat God's enemies at the final battle of Armageddon and set up His millennial kingdom on earth (Revelation 19:11-16).
And already, you see, we have all the ingredients necessary to engage and whip the average Fundy into a state of pre-orgasmic excitement:

• Republican Jesus
  
• Fulfillment of Biblical Prophecy
  
• Non-specific date: "sometime in the near future"; ("The timing of the rapture is not known. Jesus said, "Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh" (Mat. 24:44)&quot
  
• Israel ("The tribulation will start when the Antichrist* signs the seven-year peace agreement with Israel. The treaty will likely be a peace agreement between Israel and its Arab neighbors, one that will validate Jewish worship at a rebuilt Temple, which was destroyed in 70 A.D.")
  
• Promise of probable nuclear (or even "nucular&quot war
  
• Grovelling before Big G
  
• Reward for Good Behaviour, Punishment for Bad Behaviour ("It is God who determines who goes up in the Rapture and who is left behind. All true born-again believers will be taken in the Rapture before the Tribulation begins.")
  
• If you get left behind when the Rapture occurs then you're In Abyssum Stercore ("in deep shit&quot . You will then suffer horribly and die in the utmost agony under the Antichrist's 1,000-year reign. And it 's Your Own Fault.
  
• Few Rapture Ready members worry about this because they know, of course, that they're all going straight up. They're True Christians^TM. If someone should begin to doubt that they're going, someone else will reassure them: "Once you have accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savoir and receive the Holy Spirit it is impossible for you not to be called in the Rapture. Those "Christians" who will be left behind never became born again, they trust their works not Jesus. If you have truly accepted Jesus then you having (sic) nothing to fear..."

(* There is much speculation in these parts that President Obama is the Antichrist. This is because a) he is a Muslim, b) he does not think that Israel is never wrong, c) he is an Elitist Commie Marxist Nazi America-hater and d) a True Christian^TM wouldn't want to have a beer with him. The fact that he is not white like Jesus has nothing to do with it. Nothing. No, really.)

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Todd has managed to gather round him dozens, no, hundreds, maybe even thousands of people who, like Todd, are waiting for Jesus. And they're all over the place! There are even - and I blush to acknowledge this - Brits there. They all believe that Jesus is coming soon. They know that Jesus is coming soon.

They are watching Israel because that's where the End of the World is going to start. That's why Israel is so important! That's why Obama should support Israel in whatever they do, whoever they do it to. It' s in the Bible! (KJV, of course) That's why Sarah Palin should be President - she knows!

There are signs which they can interpret: stories on the television news (Christian stations only); sudden changes in the weather/significant signs in the shapes of clouds; things the President did or said that mean something if you know your scripture or your Bible codes (they mention the President quite often, considering that they don't like him - they have cute names for him like "Nobama" and "Zero" and the ** tichrist. They would never mention the fact that he is black, of course; they don't need to - they all know what they mean.)

They think that the Rapture will begin with sound of the "Last Trumpet". On RR they call it (quite correctly) a shofar. They know that it looks like this:

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It looks like that because that's what trumpets looked like when this fantasy was invented. Rams had really long horns in those days (don't know why, probably something to do with Evolution, Ray Comfort would know). God had not yet conceived of Louis Armstrong; Hugh Masekela wasn't even a glint in His eye.
You can read amusing stories in the RR forums written by people who have been awoken by a loud noise and have jumped out of bed convinced it was the shofar calling them to Jesus. Oh, how they and their families chuckle when they realise they're still here with the sinners. Then they cry.

I have my own favourite posters on RR of course, some of whom turn up with startling regularity on Fundies Say the Darndest Things

They're a rather sad bunch - constantly waiting for Jesus to take them to Heaven, leaving the rest of us to suffer. Permanently frightened. Frightened of the government. Frightened of the Muslims, foreigners (except Israelis), anything not-American, Catholics, rappers, gays, liberals, movie-makers, book-writers, secular music, 'revealing' clothes, atheists, temptation, demons, dirty jokes, Socialists, national healthcare... in fact there seems to be very little that doesn't scare them.

[font style="font-family:Tahoma, Geneva, sans-serif;" size=2 color="#b83c34"]They have a menu of scholarly Articles about things like:[/font]

• Illusions, Delusions, and Things to Come ("Did anyone running for office take an adamant stand against the abominable homosexual agenda? Yet we’re supposed to believe that things will magically change for the better."
  
• Can True Christians Be Liberals? (Surprisingly, No)
  
• The Post Rapture Survival Guide - Plan for the left behind (Try to maintain good health post-Rapture; lots of vitamins - Above all, do not accept the mark of the beast on your right hand or forehead [/i ])
  
• Why Atheists Attack Christianity (We're demons, it seems)
  
• “Christian” Palestinianism: More Lies... ("Do not be deceived by the words of men" they really, really love Israel)
  
• Are Your Bags Packed? (Don't bother, no baggage needed in Heaven)
  
• 100 Truths About Jesus: (Each 'truth' comes from a Bible verse - so it must be true, right?)
  
• Atheism?The Cult of Death A key flaw of the godless (Todd has [ i]"read the views of several leading atheists and [has] found an almost universal embracing of death."
Can't fool Todd.

And there's "Rapture Ready Bulletin Board - A place to fellowship" (because "fellowship" is a verb in Jesusland). This is a Disneyland of Stupidity. When you sign up you agree to "hold to the pre-tribulation, pre-millennial dispensational system of theology and subscribe to a literal, historical, grammatical interpretation of scripture". They have discussions about which of their many Bibles is their favourite. They recount how Jesus (sometimes even G*d if Jesus is busy packing for the trip) helped them to get a parking space if he saw how desperate they were to get to the store. They wonder if their pets will get taken up to Heaven with them ("Yes", apparently). They have threads in which they speculate about, when they get to Heaven, what their "mansions" (they are very literal) will look like. Will they have jobs? Will they get to meet Moses and Noah? They like surfing - do you think they'll get to "catch a wave" with Jesus? That would be cool! (you think I'm making this up?)

If you're driving when the Rapture happens you'll just be swept right up out of your car leaving your clothes, dental fillings, artificial hip and spectacles behind ("Spectacles? Where we're going, we don't need spectacles!") Also, of course, leaving your driver-less vehicle to leave the road and kill whoever happens to be in front of it. Or, indeed, in it. But don't worry, not your problem, G*d knows what he's doing.
Want to know what happens if you're having, say, oral sex when the Rapture happens - what gets Left Behind? There will be someone here who can tell you, provided that your question doesn't mention oral sex and that the person you're having it with is your "DH" - Dearest Husband (Manly Men don't do that sort of sissie Commie perversion and a Modest Wife would never dream of asking.)

There are "Women's Discussions" where ladies talk about Women Stuff ("Need advice on how to deal with overly-friendly man at church.") and "The Men's Meeting Room" where husky manly chaps talk about Man things like Guns and Cutting Down Trees and how to avoid seeing images of women with no clothes on - "Every man's challenge. Struggling. Please pray." ("The Gun Toter's thread", "Jeep Owners Thread", "Let's talk drain lines")

[font style="font-family:Tahoma, Geneva, sans-serif;" size=2 color="#b83c34"]They have Forum sections called things like:[/font]

• "Israel, The Middle East, Gog & Magog" (they really, really really love Israel)
  
• "The One World Government System" (about the United Nations and the European Union's emerging One World Government - I must have missed the memo)
  
• "Modern Cults & Religions" (including Mormonism, Jehovah's Witnesses, Islam, Scientology and that most modern of cults Catholicism)
  
• "Homeschooling" (of course)
  

But the answer to every problem is, ultimately, the same: "Doesn't matter, Jesus will be back any time now and we'll all be gone")

Their favourite exclamation/exhortation/plea is "Maranatha!" - a phrase which appears only once in the New Testament and which they prefer to translate as "Come, Lord Jesus!" When words fail them and they don't know what to do or say they just shout "Maranatha!"

The Rapture Ready site is a Den of Delusion, a Cornucopia of Crazy, a Forum of Fantasy.
But really my friends the only part you need to read is the "Information For Those Left Behind" section. Let's face it, you're cool people, many of you kind to animals and old ladies, (and if it was up to me...) but you're not going.

Todd knows, he sees very clearly.

[center][font style="font-family:Tahoma, Geneva, sans-serif;" size=2 color="#b83c34"]This is what he and his cult have to look forward to:


You and I have this:[/font]
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So it's a choice between a rave with Keanu Reeves and what looks like an awesome late-night popcorn movie.

But Todd is always on the ball, always planning for every disaster, always trying to keep one step ahead of that old devil Satan.
Included on the RR site is this Memorandum:
[hr]
Memorandum

Date: (Unknown)
To: Everyone else
From: Those who have vanished
Re: The truth about what happened

This is to tell you exactly what is involved in the sudden disappearance of people around the world. It's as simple as this: We who belong to Christ were called into the air above the planet in the rapture.

Yes, that kooky, ridiculous, pie-in-the-sky, fly-away event that Tim LaHaye and other preachers of what you've thought of as fantasy have been proclaiming could happen at any moment did, in fact, happen.

You are hearing, or will soon hear, every conceivable explanation of what caused this astonishing disappearance. Here are our guesses as to some of those explanations:

(there then follows a short list of ways in which we sinners will explain away the Rapture followed by a list of just how awful it's going to be for those Left Behind. It's bad. Very bad. Trust me.)

The Memo ends on an uncharacteristically-optimistic upbeat note:
You have only one chance to survive: accept Jesus Christ as Savior (Read John, chapter 3). This will involve refusing to take Antichrist's mark when it is instituted. If you accept the mark, you are eternally doomed.

Note to those not appointed to God's wrath (1 Thes. 5:ix-xi): Perhaps you should pass this memorandum to your lost family and friends before you vanish. Then, post it on your refrigerator.

[hr]

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And, taking care of business right to the end, Todd signs off his Index page with the following instruction:

"When the rapture should take place, resulting in my absence, it will become necessary for tribulation saints to mirror or financially support this site."

Now that's thinking ahead!
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[AlbertCat]

1. "Behold! I come quickly!"

Yeah... just ask Mary Magdalen!

Why do you think she's always washing his feet?

[AlbertCat]

2. Prophecy of Sodom

Back when we all had Windows 95, there was this amazing site called "Prophecy of Sodom".

It was phenomenal! With dozens(?) of pages crammed with all sorts of Abrahamic mysticism...all referenced and cross-referenced to itself. The layout was cubistic with sections in different colors and fonts and was so complex and out there as to be unreadable and unfathomable.

But it was beautiful! A real cyber work of "outsider" art....with rotating Kepler solids and moving illustrations from every era. Mystic symbols and allegorical beasts and paragraphs and paragraphs of text were everywhere. It made as much sense (maybe less) than a Jackson Pollack painting.

I look for it every once in a blue moon but cannot find it anywhere, alas! (anyone savvy with finding long lost cyber stuff please give it a try!)

[Curmudgeoness]

3. Why would they have an article

called "The Post Rapture Survival Guide - Plan for the left behind"?????

Anyone reading that site could not possibly have a need for that shit. And no one else is reading it.

I wonder if the survival guide explains if it would be better for me to just blow my brains out if I am left behind, before the shit hits the fan. And if I do, is that so much of a sin that I will still go to Hell?

[mr blur]

5. I think there's still a chance, during the seven years of agony,

for you to find Jebus and save yourself.

You see, you are going to die (probably quite horribly) but if you live through the terror in a righteous way and accept Jebus, then when you die in agony your soul gets to go to Heaven. The Post Rapture Survival Guide will show you how to live properly and save your soul. OK, it's seven years of torment but then you'll have Everlasting Life: Checkmate Satan!

[Curmudgeoness]

9. If I remember my Rapture training,

if I don't take the mark of the beast, I will not be able to survive in the new society. I will not be able to buy food, or rent a place to live, or buy anything. OMG, I will have to live like an animal. And although I don't remember being told this, I would bet that I will be hunted down too. Sounds like fun. I remember the movie Red Dawn. I think I will have to live like that. No problem.

The only question is: Do I want to spend eternity with all those sanctimonious asses?

[NeoGreen]

4. "Let's talk drain lines..."?....come on...pull the other one...

...what kind of web site is this?

[mr blur]

6. No, it's in there. In The Men's Meeting Room.

I don't know what drain lines are, but Manly Men want to talk about them. Are they something to do with pleasuring yourself, do you think? Jesus won't be pleased.

[onager]

7. Thanks, that was hilarious!1! And a gift for you...

This is really great: "...literal, historical, grammatical interpretation of scripture".

HISTORICAL? Most of the flummery about the Crapture wasn't even written until the 18th century. Some of the more popular stuff, not until the 19th or even early 20th century. It's amazing how they try to back-load the mythology into the Book of Revelation. Where absolutely none of it appears.

Here's your gift - "Bad Art of the Rapture." No need to thank me...

http://laughingsquid.com/bad-art-of-the-rapture/

Featuring the Rapture in Dallas, TX:



And this one makes me glad to be a white person, since apparently we're the only ones getting Raptured. I'm thinking - "Little zombie kid just came out of grave, is about to feast on Mom's neck..."

[Curmudgeoness]

10. Looks like it should have happened already.

Aren't they all dressed like they came from the 1950's?

[Hassin Bin Sober]

11. Still one of my favorite Six Feet Under openings:

https://m.

[mr blur]

13. The second one is positively creepy

Do you really want to go and meet Jesus with the cast of "Pleasantville"?

Also, if I remember correctly, nowhere in the Babble does it say that angels have wings.

[Heddi]

8. I truly believe End Times are eminent

because I've had this fucking pimple (!!) on the inside of my right nostril for 2 days now. A PIMPLE INSIDE MY NOSE.

talk about a fucking blight.

Now, I've only read the bible on TV, but I'm pretty sure this is an impending sign of revelation times.

Just know you heard it here first, folks.

And as always, love the ass candle on the trading cards.

[AtheistCrusader]

12. Ironically that IS Keanu Reeves in the bottom wasteland photo.

I forget which piece of shit, he's starred in so many, but that's him as Constantine.

[onager]

14. "Rapture-Palooza" trailer

Definitely worth a look, especially during the Joyous Xian Xmas Season (tm).

*SPOILER* - the characters read Revelation for a clue on how to deal with the Antichrist. Finally give up, saying: "This doesn't make any fucking sense!"

Best credit line ever - Also starring Ken Jeong as God

[mr blur]

15. Great movie!

Actually, Satan/antichrist is pretty cool, too.

[RebelOne]

16. I venture into the Rapture Ready website sometimes.

But after reading some of those posts, I can't stop laughing or my stomach will churn. I cannot believe how ignorant those people are.