My daughter died 20 years ago today.

[barbtries]

Twenty years on. This anniversary is never fun, but it feels like a milestone I did not, at the time, think I would ever see. At the time, every minute passing by was a torture as I grappled with an intolerable fact that every cell and every thought and emotion rejected.

I wondered how to live if Bekah didn't. Twenty years on, I think I've learned and managed about as well as possible given her persistent absence. Still miss her, always will. Still feel her near me and take comfort in little signs I fancy she sends me.

"Sad soul, take comfort, nor forget
That sunrise never failed us yet" - Celia Thaxter

Early on I scolded the sun for daring to rise if Bekah wasn't alive. Night after sleepless night I watched it do it anyway. I gazed at the rising sun, begging it to bring me back my girl. Just let me see her ghost. Her face. Her smile. To this day I fall out longing for a visit from her as I dream. It happens sometimes. She's different ages in these dreams. Sometimes I know she's dead, other times I don't until I wake up.

The sun did persist in rising, day in, day out, for twenty years now. It has done so again today. It feels like a milestone I must memorialize, even if I don't know how. I want to write a poem but the words elude me. I want to make a painting but my hand is shaky and I don't think I'll like what results. So here we are. Twenty years.

[link:https://www.lapdonline.org/july_2001/news_view/22911|]

[bottomofthehill]

1. What a terrible milestone to have to mark

I am so sorry for your loss all there years later.

[barbtries]

3. Thank you bottomofthehill.

I never work on her birthday or this day. When I do I tend to fall apart. It's just hard to believe that it's been so long.
Next year will be worse, because on that anniversary I will have been without her as long as I had her. Assuming I get to that day and no particular reason to think I won't.

[Fla Dem]

17. She was a beautiful young lady. Peace be with you.

[barbtries]

36. thank you Fla Dem

She was.

[Atticus]

2. Your love for Bekah throbs in every word of your post. Take care of yourself. She'd want that. nt

[barbtries]

4. Thank you Atticus.

I do, mostly. Today is hard. July is always a little crazy in my world.

[MLAA]

14. Beautiful, beautiful Bekah.

[barbtries]

15. thank you.

yes, she was beautiful inside and out. sort of the poster girl for the saying that only the good die young.

[UpInArms]

5. I cannot imagine your pain

and I am so very sorry …

[barbtries]

18. thank you UpInArms

What I always say to people who respond as you have is, never learn.

[SheltieLover]

6. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss

It's been 7.5 years since my daughter's death. It still doesn't seem real, and that is probably a good thing.

[barbtries]

20. I am so sorry SheltieLover

Nature turns on its head. It is a hard thing, the very hardest I believe, to accept. big hugs to you

[SheltieLover]

23. Ty, Barb

It is truly surreal. Hugs to you as well.

[Croney]

7. A lovely photo, she is beautiful.

I lost a young child 50 years ago, and an adult child a few years ago. We go about our everyday business and have some happy days, but melancholy is our shadow companion. You have my sympathy and understanding.

[barbtries]

21. Croney,

It is not fair. I know you do understand and am glad that few do, because they didn't have to survive a child.

[Jilly_in_VA]

45. As did I

in an odd coincidence, the same number of years ago. I get it.

[barbtries]

51. oh Jilly.

how are you coping with this milestone? I am so sorry. I cannot even express how much I wish nobody ever had to experience this unnatural loss.

[Jilly_in_VA]

53. Well

with the first, I remember on his birthday, not on the day we lost him to SIDS. That day is just kind of a blank in my mind. He would be 50 now which just doesn't seem real. I usually light a memorial candle for him and have a quiet moment. The second is a lot harder because it's more recent and it hits me at odd times. But I just have to go on. I miss him terribly but I have two others and a raft of grandchildren to concentrate on.

[barbtries]

57. yes.

We go on. My youngest son was 9 when Bekah died. But I also wanted to live for me, myself. I still do. My children and grandchildren are my greatest joy. I work and enjoy it, take pride in doing it well. In 20 years I've really turned my life around and pulled us out of poverty. It's all good.

I always feel as if it's especially unfair when a parent loses multiple children, or when a parent loses their only child. I wish it never happened to anyone.

[mopinko]

8. the hardest thing known to womankind.

it's so much harder when they should be really starting their own lives.
i'm so grateful that all my babes are still here. closest i came was losing a couple before birth.

i wish i could give you a big hug, and we could sit, and you could tell me about her.

do something for yourself today. celebrate your survival.

[barbtries]

22. Thank you mopinko.

you give good advice. Many days I do, i experience joy and describe myself as reasonably happy. It's a long road.

[mopinko]

29. there's a meme out there about kurt vonnegut and his fave uncle.

they spent many happy hours doing stuff like eating ice cream and watching butterflies, and how the uncle would always say- well if this isnt nice, i dont know what is.

i say it to myself often. my life has a lot of those moments that are easy to just walk by.
i've also learned to take a minute to pat myself on the back, literally, when looking over a job well done.

it matters that you remain good friends w yourself.

[barbtries]

39. it does matter.

at the end of the day we are responsible for our happiness or lack thereof. I think that this anniversary coming in the context of a global pandemic, during which I have not been able to visit her bones or see her oldest brother and my grandchildren for over a year, and just the number 20, has hit quite hard. My motto in life is you can knock me down but you cannot keep me down.

thank you wise mopinko!

[blm]

9. 🕯

[quaint]

10. There is no heartbreak more devastating.

[barbtries]

27. so true.

more than one man has broken my heart but it was small potatoes compared to losing Bek.

[2naSalit]

11. ...

[MLAA]

12. I cannot imagine what you have and continue to go through. I am sending you love.

💖💖💖💖💕💕💕💖💖💞💞💞💞💕💕💕💖💖💖💐💖💖💕💕💕

[barbtries]

28. I feel the love.

It's all that can save this human race.

[TheRickles]

13. May her memory be a blessing.

[barbtries]

30. thank you TheRickles

her memory is a blessing. I'd rather have her, but will take it.

[AmBlue]

79. She was beautiful.

...and your tribute to her radiates the love you still have for her, burning with just the same intensity as when she was living. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child so young. I lost a brother too young just 4 years ago and still cannot accept it. Still nothing like losing a child.

I am sorry for your loss. She will always be with you in your heart and in the memories you have of her.

May you find comfort and peace.

[YoshidaYui]

16. My condolences

Honto ni Gomen Nasai

[barbtries]

31. thank you YoshidaYui

I google translated so I know what you said.

Hope you're well!

[YoshidaYui]

34. Still in Hospital

Should be out soon I hope - hugs

[barbtries]

40. to you as well

i hope you're out soon and feeling strong!

[Firestorm49]

19. So sorry for your loss.

[LittleGirl]

24. I'm so sorry

I have several people in my life that left years ago. I never imagined living without them either. Sending cyber hugs

[barbtries]

58. thank you LittleGirl

your SN is very close to how I addressed Bekah in many writings during the time just after she died. "How can you be dead baby girl?"

[malaise]

25. What a sad and yet beautiful post

We never forget but we live - Find a friend and go out and eat Bekah's favorite meal

[barbtries]

63. Thank you Malaise!

I'm not sure I know what her favorite meal was. She was a vegetarian since she was 14 years old. If I was in CA I'd know what to get. At least I'll be there next month, yay!

[Evolve Dammit]

26. How horrific. Barb. I am so sorry that she was taken from you like that. I can't imagine life

without one of my girls. I was just thinking of it this morning for some reason. Maybe the times are just so insane? In any case, I concluded that I was not sure how I would go on. Thanks for sharing your heartbreak.
ED

[NJCher]

32. well, here's what I think

It happens sometimes. She's different ages in these dreams. Sometimes I know she's dead, other times I don't until I wake up.

My experience is that this really is a contact from her to you.

I've heard from just about every being I know who has crossed over except for two. One was my aunt for whom I was her trustee and executor, and the other is a valued partner in social justice work I did for decades. Other than that, I have had contact with every being I was close to who has crossed over: all my animals, my mom, my dad, and very vividly my grandfather on my mother's side. Oh! And even a couple with whom I did business with decades ago!

People tell me, though, that there are varying abilities in being able to communicate. Obviously, at least to me, your daughter can do so via dreams.

---------

and, I will add, the tip-off for me was when you said "other times I don't until I wake up." When they visit it is just like being with them because it is a form of being with them.

[barbtries]

44. I agree with you.

She's done other things too. She plays songs on the radio. Back when she died I compiled a list of the phenomena. I am an atheist but I can testify to "The Bekah Church of Wonder Catalogue of Unexplained Phenomena and Amazing Small World Stories" that went on after her death. When I got the chills out of the blue she was hugging me. Turtles.

This is a scan of a picture i printed of the original picture, which inexplicably I cannot find. Note the date I took it.

[momta]

56. I'm a member of the "The Bekah Church..." too.

My mom died of cancer when I was sixteen, and I still dream about her, almost 42 years later. Sometimes when I get a slight muscle twitch, the kind that doesn't hurt, it feels like her tapping me on the shoulder, or knee, or whatever.

It was years before I realized that while my pain was immense, my grandmother's pain (her mom, who sat by her side and was with her when she died), was vastly greater. Not that it was a contest.

Take care of yourself today. I'm an atheist too, but I somehow know that my mom is still with me, and Bekah is still with you. They have to be.

Peace, barbtries. Peace and love.

[barbtries]

69. momta, thank you

peace and love to you as well

[FakeNoose]

33. Condolences my friend

When you see Bekah in Heaven, you'll have so many wonderful stories to share with her!

[barbtries]

46. thank you FakeNoose.

I fancy she's sharing these moments already.

[MuseRider]

35. Oh dear,

I cannot even find the words to say.

Keep on, take care of yourself. I just cannot even imagine.

Sending love, that is all I can think of. Her pictures made me cry. Wrapping you in warm thoughts.

[barbtries]

47. thank you MuseRider

yes, it's been a teary day. A cleansing if you will.

[GPV]

37. I'm so sorry!

[barbtries]

49. thank you GPV.

[yardwork]

38. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

As a mother, my heart grieves for yours.

[barbtries]

50. thank you yardwork.

I'd do the last 20 years over and over for the privilege of having made her, grown her, and raised her.

[yardwork]

78. You honor her memory with your courage.

[Snackshack]

41. Haunting...

Pretty soon I will hit the 20 yr mark (2yrs to go) of the most significant death of a loved one I have or will ever experience. I cannot believe 18yrs has already gone by. It seems like just yesterday I was saying goodbye to her.

[barbtries]

54. yes. that's the nature of this grief.

it never goes away. it fades sometimes for months at a time. But that shock somehow reverberates. I'm good, I'm okay, I'm living my life as well as I can. But there are those moments when I feel someone tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "Bekah's dead," and I'm shocked and disbelieving all over again. Fortunately these moments contract over time; they hit less frequently and come and go in a much shorter time.

[samnsara]

42. (((hugs)))

[colorado_ufo]

43. Thank you so much for these lovely pictures.

I truly enjoyed seeing your beautiful daughter. I am very glad that you thought to include them. I feel as if I have met her.

[barbtries]

64. I'm so glad.

We were blessed to have quite a ham on our hands.

[lark]

48. I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your dear Bekkah.

I can't even begin to imagine your pain and the strength it took to get to this point. It's hard when you feel the need to create something, but don't have a lot of talent - that's where I am too. In my life, I have found that just getting started helps. It's not what you do, it's the intention. Planting growing things, doing a dry flower arrangement, helping someone with something, coloring a pretty picture, taking a walk, meditation, yoga, contemplation - so many things can be done. I send you well wishes for finding things to soothe your soul.

[barbtries]

65. thank you lark

DU is giving me a lot of comfort today! I've also had calls. and cried a lot. The poem may come. The painting may fail, or not, it could surprise me. Just need to do it, though, you're right.

[MontanaMama]

52. I am thinking of you today

and holding you and your beautiful Bekah close in my heart. 20 years is indeed a milestone as is every single day you have persisted since she was taken from you. Peace to you and yours.

[barbtries]

66. thank you MontanaMama

Peace and love to you and yours.

[lucca18]

55. I am so very sorry Barbtries.

Thank you for posting those photos of your beautiful daughter Bekah.

[barbtries]

67. thank you!

I love sharing her pictures. She was such a gift.

[llmart]

59. I believe what you said in your post is a poem already.

You don't really need to write another. What you wrote about her is a beautiful tribute to her. Posting her picture on here was also a tribute. I feel as if I knew her somehow, or wish I did because she looks like an amazing soul. Anyone with a smile like hers has to be beautiful inside and out.

My thoughts are with you today.

[barbtries]

68. Thank you Ilmart

it may have to do. She was beautiful inside and out.

[PatSeg]

60. What a poignant expression of a parent's grief

Through your words I can feel your pain and loss. I had a friend who survived her daughter and once she told me, "It is so lonely being a survivor".

I hope that sharing your loss helps in some way to get through this day.

[barbtries]

70. it really has.

I remember talking to the detective early on and he asked me how I was doing and I said, "It's pretty lonely." After not very long you're left alone with your grief while the people who know and love you best no long get you. As hard as i try to express it I will fall short every time.

Today is as good as it can be. I'm crying a lot but also feeling a lot of love. I am satisfied that Bekah will never be forgotten; she generated a lot of love in her time. That did not die.

[PatSeg]

73. One of the things that really bothers me

when people die much too young, is that because it is so painful and uncomfortable, many sweep them under the rug. It is as if they'd never even existed, as if a short life is somehow invalid, too incomplete to be recognized or remembered.

My mother's brothers died before I was born. They were sixteen and eighteen years old. My siblings and I knew hardly anything about them, because it was too painful to talk about. So in our world, they weren't even ghosts. It was like they never were real, except for their very tragic death. We knew nothing about their personalities, their hopes and dreams, or their childhood antics, because it was forbidden to ask about them. For us, they were only identified by their deaths, not by their lives.

When there is nothing else we can do for them, we can at least make sure they are not forgotten as you are doing for Bekah.

[barbtries]

76. I think

some people think it's too painful, like picking at an open wound. I'm the other way. I had to find a path through that grief. I had 2 great uncles who did not survive WW1. All I ever learned about them was that they died in the war and that it was not from combat but from "dysentery." This past year I speculate that they were victims of the pandemic. But that's all I know about them. Of course I came along very much later and by the time I came of age virtually everyone who knew them was dead.

One thing I know. They are not forgotten.

[PatSeg]

77. I've spent many years working on our family tree

and I put some extra effort into the "forgotten souls" whenever I can. A few weeks ago, I found the senior yearbook photo of the oldest son who died and I was able to get a better idea of what he looked like. The tagline with the photo read, "Why aren't they all contented like me?", which gave me a small glimpse into his personality. I researched and found a long newspaper article about the deaths and I sent away for the coroner's reports. It's not a lot, but it says, "you are not forgotten".

I know the deaths were very painful to a lot of people and there undoubtedly was a whole lot of guilt involved. A deaf father who kept a loaded gun in the house, an irritable sister with a young baby, who refused to let her brother come home with her the day before the accident - "Not this weekend, I am too busy", and a mother out of the house taking care of other people's children at the time her own children died. I can just imagine the "what ifs" that must have played in their minds.

I can understand the pain being so unbearable that you want to erase it, but in the process, they erased two human beings. Eventually, of course, there was no one left who remembered them, so I've tried to piece together a picture of who they were as best I can.

Times have really changed and a lot of people have changed their attitudes about death and loss.

[panader0]

61. Losing a child is something hard to comprehend.

I have lost most everyone in my life, but not my children.
I wish I had told those now gone how much I loved them more often.
She was a beautiful young lady, lucky to have you, as you were lucky to have her.
Hugs to you Barb.

[barbtries]

71. thank you panader0

I am happy that your children all are with you still. That is how it should be.

[cate94]

62. I can't imagine your pain

I’m so very sorry.

[JudyM]

72. I think you wrote a poem here, barbtries, and it's absolutely, poignantly beautiful.

What love you hold in your heart! … and how evocatively you shared it with us ❤️

Peace to you and honoring the memory of Bekah 🌺 🌺

Wishing you sweet dreams always.

[barbtries]

75. Thank you JudyM.

[mnhtnbb]

74. I am so sorry that your beautiful Bekah

had her life taken in such a violent and tragic way.

Hugs to you on this sad anniversary day. May her memory be a blessing.

[Duppers]

80. 🕯

I can only imagine the depth of your sorrow.

[Dark n Stormy Knight]

81. Deepest condolences for your heartbreaking loss.

Words fail.😢

Virtual hugs for you. And for all who know even a fraction of that pain.

💗💗💗💗💗
💔 💔
💗💗💗💗💗

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

82. Thank you for all of those wonderful pictures of your daughter.

My son, Jonah, died June 9, 2017. He took his life. He'd been dealing with depression that he'd hidden from almost all of us. I have never posted this before on DU, the death of my son.

I do know what you are going through.

I will add this. Because he chose to take his life, it's actually easier than if he'd died from some terrible disease, or been murdered, or perished in a car accident. He chose to leave this life. As sad and tragic as that is, I can live with it.

Yes, I miss him every day. I do have a very strong belief in an afterlife and that I will see him again, which helps.

When my mother died, back in 1999, my wonderful husband made a comment about how could things go on, given that she had died. Because it did feel as if the world should come to an end, if she was no longer here.

So yeah, when we lose someone very close to us, it's hard, beyond hard. It's as if everything comes to an end.

I'll add this. There was a wonderful celebration of his life, in Portland, OR, where he'd lived not long after graduating college. He played Ultimate Frisby, and was admired and respected in that community. There was another celebration in Overland Park, KS, where he'd grown up. In both places many people who loved him showed up, honored him, celebrated his life.

I'm grateful to all who participated.

[barbtries]

83. I'm so sorry for your loss.

no matter how it happens, it's devastating.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

84. No matter how it happens, it's devastating.

That is so true.

A week or or so ago I got a check from a bank he'd had an account with. They decided they'd overcharged his account, and sent me a check for $69.50, the amount of the overcharge.

I went to my own local bank, along with a print out of my designation as his beneficiary. The wonderful personal banker looked briefly at the printouts I had and was happy to cash that check. I chatted with her about my loss. She was wonderful. I think perhaps she'd had some kind of similar loss. In any case, she was accommodating, recognized my loss, cashed the check. I told her a bit about my son, and she acknowledged my loss. We hugged at the end of everything.

I have many times been in awe of people who understand my loss.