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Thu Mar 17, 2022, 11:09 PM

Grief makes families do stupid stuff.

My Aunt on my Mother's side recently passed away.

She was a wonderful person who opened her home to so many of the family for so many reasons. She was in ill health for a long time and her DIL was caring for her and her own 84 year old Mother.

My Sister sent flowers on a monthly basis and was asked to stop as this was "too much" for the DIL. Even flower cards were "too much" so my Sister complied even though our Aunt said on every occasion that these flowers made her feel loved and that she did not get any direct contact like that from other family members.

My Aunt had a stroke and while in the hospital they decided she needed a pace maker. She wanted to decline. She wanted to die. She wanted to go home to Heaven.

She got a pace maker and the DIL continued to feel the stress. It's been 3-4 months and Hospice stepped in and the DIL was under less stress. I don't know how long Hospice was involved, but my Sister still cared and kept in contact, speaking twice to my Aunt recently.

For my Sister's love and care, she has been told she is banned from the funeral and is not to send flowers. Not only that she is supposedly overstepped the "real" family's grief when she found out on my Aunt's facebook page that she passed by saying my Aunt passed away prayers etc.... Because supposedly it is the right/responsibility of the "real" family to do that FIRST.

Now it wasn't the DIL who banned my Sister, but my older cousin interceding on her behalf.

Now I want to go to the funeral and just glare at them, put some roses on the casket for myself and my sister and if they try to turn ME away, throw the shame bomb at them for their non-Christian behavior. I won't, but visualizing doing crazy theatrical stuff is a way to de-stress so I don't have to do stupid stuff.

Funny thing is my Sister and I had an argument when my Mom passed (we DID get through the funeral, though) and didn't talk to each other for a year. The fact that we got past it and are now closer than ever and I admire and respect her so much I want to go and take care of these idiots on her behalf is VERY ironic.

There are SO MANY SKELETONS in our family closet that I COULD make the entire family suffer for years and years if I so chose.

But that wouldn't be very nice or Christian of me.

Instead, I am leaving it up to God to teach these yokels the error of their ways and Karma is a real bitch. They think their lives so far have been hard?

Anyone who thinks they have the right to ban another family member from a funeral for simply loving and expressing that love to the person deceased is already on a crazy train and heading for the cliff.

Guess I will just pull up a seat and watch the show.



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Arrow 14 replies Author Time Post
Reply Grief makes families do stupid stuff. (Original post)
TigressDem Mar 2022 OP
MLAA Mar 2022 #1
TigressDem Mar 2022 #5
Tetrachloride Mar 2022 #2
TigressDem Mar 2022 #6
Tetrachloride Mar 2022 #9
TigressDem Mar 2022 #10
Tetrachloride Mar 2022 #12
madaboutharry Mar 2022 #3
TigressDem Mar 2022 #7
localroger Mar 2022 #4
TigressDem Mar 2022 #8
TigressDem Mar 2022 #11
kozar Mar 2022 #13
TigressDem Mar 2022 #14

Response to TigressDem (Original post)

Thu Mar 17, 2022, 11:15 PM

1. I say wait a couple of months and then give the cousin and DIL a piece of your mind!

How dare them to stop your mother from sending the flowers to her sister each month which her sister so enjoyed.

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Response to MLAA (Reply #1)

Thu Mar 17, 2022, 11:59 PM

5. We will see.

My sister is the one who was banned.

My Mom died some time ago.

All I want from my cousin is to apologize to my Sister for telling her we aren't "real" family.

I will track her down and tell her that, but not tonight and not for a bit. I am a hot head at times.

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Response to TigressDem (Original post)

Thu Mar 17, 2022, 11:17 PM

2. Once upon a time, I objected to a certain person at a family funeral.

I still feel justified but not really powerfully.

If a relative wants to attend, let them decide. The grave itself will be there regardless.

If they need to denounce relatives, also their prerogative.

These days my mission is not the past.

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Response to Tetrachloride (Reply #2)

Fri Mar 18, 2022, 12:01 AM

6. I can see that for SOME reasons.

But to object and to forcefully ban someone for simply caring enough to send flowers and keep in touch is whacked.

Power trip much, cuz?

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Response to TigressDem (Reply #6)

Fri Mar 18, 2022, 12:27 AM

9. in my case, i was one of the lead persons in charge of my mothers hospice

and i was following her wishes.

and in this process, i wasnít treated normally by 1 person. hence, i was upset

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Response to Tetrachloride (Reply #9)

Fri Mar 18, 2022, 12:52 AM

10. That makes sense.

However, would you have thought that a person sending your Mom flowers once a month was an unreasonable thing?

And even if that was too much to handle because of all the things needing to be done and the person sent paper flower cards instead so that your Mom would not feel forgotten by the world, would that have ever made your list of reasons to ban them from the funeral?

Sure, if my Sister had offended my Aunt and it was her request, I would not be coming to her defense.

But this thought process and telling my Sister we aren't "real" family just seems like a power trip to protect the DIL. Maybe DIL is on the edge and needs protecting. I don't know.

I am a reasonable person and I know grief does crazy stuff to people.

Also, the DIL is still caring for her own Mom who is 84 and apparently someone in their household (probably my cousin, her husband, son of the Aunt who died) thought nothing of putting that additional burden on her, so everyone else gets to suffer for his lack of concern for his wife's health and well being. Which makes me wonder, why wasn't HE reading cards to his own mother? Why did his wife have to do it? Or their own kids. They have his-hers-ours going on... and all those kids were loved by the Aunt/their Grandma and could have showed up a bit more. Why was DIL alone in the burden to begin with?

Not my monkeys, not my circus, so I am clueless as to how that makes it all my Sister's fault.

But life is what is happening while you are making other plans. So what is there to do but the best you can?


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Response to TigressDem (Reply #10)

Fri Mar 18, 2022, 07:51 AM

12. I am currently assisting on another hospice situation and more

So I appreciate all efforts before and after the passing.

Flowers once a month is something i would welcome from friends

sorry if not all here. sleep is incomplete

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Response to TigressDem (Original post)

Thu Mar 17, 2022, 11:24 PM

3. All I can say is....

families.

I have no advice. But do know you are not alone in having to deal with difficult people.

I am very sorry for your loss. Sending peace.

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Response to madaboutharry (Reply #3)

Fri Mar 18, 2022, 12:02 AM

7. Thanks.

What is so funny is that this cousin is the last person I would have thought would do this.

I guess people change.


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Response to TigressDem (Original post)

Thu Mar 17, 2022, 11:29 PM

4. Shit like this is why my mother did not have a funeral.

She was cremated and her ashes scattered in private. My father held a celebration of life observance at his house a couple of months later, and the whole family, even those who disliked her, were invited. It actually worked out really well. It was not a "significant event" worth disrupting like a funeral, so nobody bothered.

Dad has made it clear that similar arrangements are already in place for him for the cremation and private scattering. I have the phone number of the funeral parlor that has the contract in case I should ever need it.

And on a similar note, my wife and I eloped after many years of living together. We really only got married for health insurance purposes and probably would still be "living in sin" if the ACA had passed a few years earlier. But we didn't want the families getting involved and so we let them find out after it was a done deal. Tens of thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of angst avoided.

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Response to localroger (Reply #4)

Fri Mar 18, 2022, 12:08 AM

8. Yeah, my Dad didn't want a funeral either.

He died two years before my Mom and we go permission to bury him with Mom as her "personal effects"

Put his ashes down by her feet. He would have appreciated the irony and humor of it.

Had to have my Sister stop the car a block away from her house so I could run back and get them.

"STOP!!" I yelled and she did, but was looking at me like she was going to get out and beat me over the head with the car...

"I FORGOT DAD!!"

We laughed so hard all the way to the funeral we were crying and our sides and cheeks ached.

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Response to TigressDem (Original post)

Fri Mar 18, 2022, 01:10 AM

11. Calling it a night. Thanks all for your responses.

Just nice to not feel alone and it helps one gain perspective.

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Response to TigressDem (Original post)

Mon Mar 21, 2022, 05:30 PM

13. Tigress. I feel for your loss

Maybe my mind is more focused because of LilBit, or maybe Iím really open with my feelings. I had to , within this last week, stand up to my family, including LilBits brother and just say. Eífcking enough with emails, phone calls and what you think you need to know everyday. Took a ton of weight off my shoulders! I realized I had friends, aquaintants, online and off. Who were already, since the day, supporting me. I know and feel your thoughts about family first.
Family means nothing without You being strong,
Take care of your grief first, doní t listen to theirís. You canít fix theirs until you fix yours, none of us are ďcomic book ď heroes I. real life. You donít owe anyone your loss, until you paid, emotionally, your loss.
Hope this helps, sorry if Iím off base,

KozandLilBit

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Response to TigressDem (Original post)

Sat Mar 26, 2022, 10:24 AM

14. GOOD NEWS -- Miscommunication VS power trip is my sister's new assessment.

My one cousin was trying to protect the caregiver and son of my Aunt (albeit heavy handed) but my sister believes the "don't come to the funeral or send flowers" was more to protect my sister from financial loss as we are out of state and it would be more expensive and the funeral planned is low key.

Damage is done, but it makes it easier to not be as angry if this wasn't a draconian overstep.




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