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(28,877 posts)
Tue Jul 19, 2022, 11:06 AM Jul 2022

Another year, another milestone.

I posted one year ago today about the 20th anniversary of my daughter Bekah's death. It's come around again. 21 years ago today. Her world came to a crashing halt and her loved ones have been picking up the pieces ever since. This year is a hard anniversary. In another 13 days we will have been without her as long as we had her. I've been trying to work out with my counselor why this is so difficult for me.

It has to do with the enduring nature of grief, and I believe, the complicated nature of the grief associated with the loss of a child, further complicated by the violent nature of the loss and the denial of justice for her death.

Part of what complicates this grief is that I have to grieve not only for myself, but for my girl. She should be alive. I try to live FOR her, but I am mad FOR her too. There's no stopping the speculation on what her life would be today, if it hadn't been wiped out in a split second 21 years ago today. Children, a career...she was on the precipice of fulfilling all that her adult life promised.

And I miss her, so so much.

So yesterday my counselor asked me if I was a Marvel fan (I'm not), but then he quoted a line from one of the movies: "What is grief, if not love persevering?" I like that. Heaven knows I will never stop loving Bekah, so I suppose it does make sense that I will never stop grieving her loss. I just need to accept I guess, that July will never, ever be the same.


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Another year, another milestone. (Original Post) barbtries Jul 2022 OP
Healing vibes on the way! 💗💗💗 SheltieLover Jul 2022 #1
I can't imagine the enduring grief that you have experienced with your loss. OAITW r.2.0 Jul 2022 #2
After my brother died so young at only... 3catwoman3 Jul 2022 #3
Thank you. barbtries Jul 2022 #4

OAITW r.2.0

(25,238 posts)
2. I can't imagine the enduring grief that you have experienced with your loss.
Tue Jul 19, 2022, 11:25 AM
Jul 2022

I think this is a parent's worst nightmare. Thanks for sharing and hope you can find peace with your loss.


(24,353 posts)
3. After my brother died so young at only...
Tue Jul 19, 2022, 11:57 AM
Jul 2022

Last edited Tue Jul 19, 2022, 03:51 PM - Edit history (2)

…23, way back in 1978, there were days when I couldn’t tell who I felt sadder for - him, because his life was cut short, or me, because he was no longer in my life. All these years later, it’s still like that.

I learned an interesting word here on DU not too long ago - yahrzeit. From Judaism, as many here will know. A candle lighting ritual perform at the “anniversary” of the death of a parent, sibling, child or spouse.

It must come from the German - Jahr = year/ zeit = time. A year’s time. Use of the word “anniversary” has never felt quite right to me for marking the time since a loss, as I usually think of an anniversary as being something to celebrate.

for you and for your cherished Bekah.

edited for typo - "never" in 3rd paragraph initially typed as "very"


(28,877 posts)
4. Thank you.
Tue Jul 19, 2022, 03:10 PM
Jul 2022

Even though I am technically Jewish (by injection), I was unfamiliar with the word yahrzeit. We did wait a year to place her headstone, or very near to it. Because her 22nd birthday was so close to the death day, we chose to do it on her birthday. Maybe it is the Jewish influence that has me so fixated on anniversaries and birthdays as well. Or maybe it's human nature. We live here in time, everything's measured in time. I'm sorry you lost your brother so young.

I still sometimes wish in spite of myself that we all came in and went out in order!

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