I've had losses before, but none so devastating as my Grandma

[Coventina]

It's been close to a month, now.
The service was last Saturday.

I wrote a poem, that was my contribution to the service.

Now I just feel empty, angry, sad.

I suppose this is normal, but it's really interfering with my ability to function.


It's kind of strange, before my grandmother even got sick and eventually died, I was depressed because it was the anniversary of my dog's death and I still miss him terribly.
I want another dog, I think it would help, but my husband refuses.


I just don't know how to live in a world where my grandmother isn't. It panics me every time I remember she's gone.

I'm rambling, I'm sorry

[Skittles]

1. it's still recent

give yourself the time to grieve

[Coventina]

2. Thanks, Skittles, it means a lot.

[Enter stage left]

3. Hang tough, eventually the pain eases...

My dad died 37 years ago next January.

It took about 2 years for me to fully recover, and now virtually all the memories of us together make me love him more, and that eases the loss a teenie bit more.

[secondwind]

4. If you have the time, visit your local dog shelter, and

ask if you can volunteer. This may help you with your doldrums. The pooches would love it, too!

[UpInArms]

5. I am so sorry, dear Coventina

Grief has no timeline … be kind to yourself

((((((Hugs))))))

[brer cat]

6. No need to apologize.

Her death is still recent and you need time to grieve. Take care of yourself.

[pnwmom]

7. I loved my grandmother, too, Coventina. And I think it helps if you really let yourself cry.

A lot. And loudly. Really let it out.

I hope you have the space that you can do that in.

Over time, the waves of grief don't hit as hard, and the periods between them grow longer.

You're only a month out now, so it might feel like you'll drown in those waves -- but you won't. I promise.

Don't hold back. Just let yourself go through the waves and it will get better . . . but it will take time.

[Coventina]

9. I will take your advice very seriously. I have not cried.

a couple tears here and there, but not a serious cry.


I think it could be that on some level I am scared of not being able to regain control.


But, since you feel it could help, I will consider it.

Thank you!

[pnwmom]

12. It took me maybe half a year. And at first I felt like I was drowning in grief.

But letting out the pain was healing.

If you haven't cried yet, I think you need to. Don't let all the emotion scare you. It will be a relief to begin letting it out.

Crying produces endorphins, which make people feel good. You know that, right?

So don't worry about losing control. Go ahead and cry, let your body release its endorphins and help you feel better. And over time, slowly, you'll begin to get better. The waves won't hit as hard or last as long.

[Coventina]

14. The endorphins thing sounds vaguely familiar.

I'll so some personal research.

[pnwmom]

15. Here is some info from Harvard Health.

https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/is-crying-good-for-you-2021030122020

It’s the third category, emotional tears (which flush stress hormones and other toxins out of our system), that potentially offers the most health benefits. Researchers have established that crying releases oxytocin and endogenous opioids, also known as endorphins. These feel-good chemicals help ease both physical and emotional pain.

[Coventina]

18. Thank you!! n/t

[Rhiannon12866]

8. I understand. I was probably closer to my grandmother than anyone else.

I was her first grandchild, and a girl, so I spent a great deal of time with her and she had a huge effect on my life. We went so many places together and no matter what, she was always there for me. She lived until 9 days before her 98th birthday, so I certainly couldn't ask for more, but I still think about her and miss her so much, I think of all the things I still want to ask her.

As for your dog, I've had a dog for most of my life and other than the dog I grew up with (who I trained myself) they've all been rescue, mostly senior dogs, and I usually had two. I've had 2 beloved pups who lived past 18, but I lost my "puppy" at age 16 at the end of June and since I adopted him at 5 months, I had him the longest. I don't know if I can have another dog in my life, two of my dogs I adopted when their owners died and I'm no longer 30 - or 40. But I was used to having my Jack with me most of the time and I miss him constantly, still can't believe he's not here and I still inadvertently look for him, keep thinking I forgot something, that he needs water or would like to share my dinner.

I didn't mean to go on about myself, I just wanted you to know that what you're feeling is shared by someone else.

[Coventina]

11. You've described me and my grandmother to a "T"

we even took trips together after I graduated from college!

Yes, all of our dogs have also been rescues.
That's the only source I would ever consider.

Don't apologize for writing about yourself. It really helps to hear from others.

[Rhiannon12866]

13. Thanks.

I hoped it would help to know you're not alone. And it's not easy for me to talk about, either. And yes, I also went places with my grandmother I never would have imagined. She moved to a retirement community in North Carolina which was tough, but I liked the place and visited often. And she joined a local peace group there and asked me to join her on their initial trip to their "sister town" in the USSR! I've mentioned that recently here on DU, since I've been to Russia! My grandmother was the most resilient person I've ever known, though she lost her mother at 13 and my grandfather when she was 40, left her with 4 young children, but she persevered. I aspire to be more like her.

[Aussie105]

10. You do blank out in grief.

I see it as a defense mechanism. Protecting your sanity.

But I know when the black clouds gather over my head and I weep internally for the loss of my parents, my son, the many cats and dogs I've known, that it is merely a mild and temporary depression which will pass.

It helps me to focus on the good things in their life, be they human or pet that has passed.

Unfortunately, life is only a temporary condition.

Carry on the best you can while you can.
The people around you will understand and give you space to cope in whatever time frame you need.

And yes, mourning a pet is best treated by getting another. Being needed by a pet for the basics of food and shelter is the best cure.

[SheltieLover]

16. Healing vibes on the way to you, Coventina. 💓💓💓

I am so sorry for your loss.

Grieving is hard work, physically, as well as mentally & emotionally.

Please remember to sleep, nurture yourself with healthy food, & breathe - deep diaphragmatic breathing to stay centered.

I like the post above suggesting you volunteer at a dog rescue or a shelter.

What is your husband's objection to adopting a pupper?

Some ideas: when you're angry, punch a pillow or take ice cubes outside & throw them as hard as you can at the driveway or sidewalk. Excellent way to release that hurt & anger you are feeling.

Make a memory box or a shrine to your grandma, and include all the things thaf were special to her and things you shared and enjoyed together. You can do something similar by making a collage out of pictures cut or torn from magazines which depict things you enjoyed together.

Finger paint. Yup. But know the fluidity of the paint will likely get those healing tears flowing.

Buy a block of clay & knead it with water. Same effect.

Have you contacted a hospice for bereavement therapy? They are specially trained to help people to resolve their grief and I strongly urge you to give it a try.

Most hospice organizations will provide 13 months of free bereavement therapy to support you through the year of firsts - birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc.

If you would like help finding a hospice near you, pm me a location & I'll do my best to help you to find one for you.

I interned at one in bereavement, years ago & it was a very very valuable experience because life is a series of small & big losses that often knock the wind out of our sails.

The most common complaint clients had, & it was nearly universal among all clients, was that they thought they were "going crazy" because they heard, felt, smelled, saw, or otherwise sensed the presence of their disembodied loved one with them.

I would always ask them if they were to depart the mortal coil, would they choose to stick around & look after their loved ones or float off into oblivion somewhere.

Despite the trappings of religious indoctrination, everyone said they would stick near to their lived ones. I could see the lightbulb go off in most people's eyes - sort of a sense of relief that they were given permission to think independently & accept that their loved on was not really "gone."

If she was in hospice, talk to those who cared for her and especially those who were with her when she transitioned to spirit. Those hospice workers frequently have beautiful stories to tell. Truly! And they will be glad to talk to you.

Please know grief knows no timeline & the stages of grief are not linear. You may be accepting one day, angry the next & in denial another day, etc. It's a matter of processing what you've experienced.

Focus on healing your heart, Coventina. I know it feels like a part of it has been ripped from your chest.

Please feel free to pm if I can help you in any way.

Hugs.

[70sEraVet]

17. My grandparents raised me, and I know no one will ever love me like my grandmother did.

She's been gone for 20 years, and just writing that sentence started to bring tears.
Just letting you know you're not alone. Hang in there.