Knowing when to walk away.

[a la izquierda]

I've been married nearly 9 years, but together more than 15. There has been no spark for years. We almost divorced several years ago, but tried to work it out. That succeeded for a little while...but now we're back at square 1. I'm in counseling, he is not. We started talking about the D two weeks ago, then stopped.

We're both young, no kids. The stress is killing me...

[Sherman A1]

1. My advice and it's a bit off topic

The point as to the relationship being done is a hard on to pinpoint, but I believe you know or will know when it arrives.

Now the advice, be sure to eat right, get plenty of exercise and take care of yourself. As you said, the stress is killing you and while that won't go away necessarily, coping with it really does include taking care of yourself. It is or will be a roller coaster of emotions which will at some points make you want to eat a bunch and at other times take your appetite away completely.

Best of Luck in your journey, it probably won't be a pleasant one, but on the upside there are no children involved so if it comes down to a divorce, it really is just about dividing up the stuff and each day does actually get better.

[a la izquierda]

2. Thank you.

I appreciate your thoughts.

[Sherman A1]

3. Best to You

Things always do work out for the best, sometimes it's hard to see that when we are in the midst of things, but they really do so.

[villager]

6. Yeah, it's much more wrenching with kids

For me, it's taken some years for things to start "clearing," simply because it's helped that my sons are almost grown now...

[mahina]

28. This stuff is awesome for stress. Makes you feel better in

About 10 minutes and can be taken without problems in an empty stomach.
Perfect Calm
https://www.vitacost.com/new-chapter-perfect-calm-multivitamin-72-tablets?CSRC=PPCADW-GGL_SEM_NB+PURE_US_PRO_DSA_All+Pages_NA-&network=g&keywordname=&device=m&adid=39700050265853389&matchtype=b&gclick=CjwKCAiA3OzvBRBXEiwALNKDP6keA31dD530iE2MVqxkIh_5IgJ83FS0M7SR7T6_bkxIp0sm3dB04RoC8j8QAvD_BwE&ds_agid=58700005504545088&targetid=&gclid=CjwKCAiA3OzvBRBXEiwALNKDP6keA31dD530iE2MVqxkIh_5IgJ83FS0M7SR7T6_bkxIp0sm3dB04RoC8j8QAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

made by New Chapter.

I have no affiliation with them whatsoever but I have to take the stuff once a month or so out of the year and I am forever grateful to my friend who told me about it. I am a huge skeptic about all supplements because how the heck do I know what’s in them? But this maker is the real deal as far as I am able to discern firsthand. I’ve been taking them occasionally for I guess about four years and they have really helped me.

Good luck with everything you’re dealing with and seconded, take great care of yourself. There’s going to be a time in the future when this is in the past.

Do you know what else helps? Epsom salts hot bath. It makes the physical pain go away and that helps our hearts and minds

[nowandlater]

31. yes self care is so important during breakups

I wish I could take more of my own advice though. Its the loneliness that scares me the most when I am so lonely already with this person right here.

Anyway I love that u included a photo of my favorite candidate.

[marble falls]

32. It can be worked through and you have to let your friends and family know you need ...

their support. I was lucky: I got primary custody of my children, and they were young enough between them and work I didn't get time to get too deeply into what I was going through losing my wife. But I knew my family and friends were behind me. I did try to "find" someone too soon, but I was able to step back and heal. I realized it was useless to care about someone who did not care about me and that rehashing the end of a fifteen year old marriage was not going to fix anything, certainly not even the broken marriage that only fell apart in the last six months/one year.

[Rorey]

35. I know this is late

I just wanted to say, I was more lonely when my husband was home than when I was alone. It's been almost a year since the divorce. I have no regrets.

[SheilaT]

4. The question to ask yourself is the old advice columnist question:

Are you better off with him or without him?

[empire we are]

5. I strongly suggest he be in therapy and you both

should be in couples/marriage therapy. I only started seeing a therapist after my marriage was over. Wish I/we had sought counseling years sooner, we might still be together. The most important thing is to open a dialog, that's what a good therapist will facilitate.

[laundry_queen]

7. That's a tough one

I was forced out of my marriage basically, so I can't say I 'knew' when to walk away.

The old adage that "it takes 2 to make a marriage work" is true, but it only takes one to make it fail. If you aren't both trying equally as hard, then there is no point in spinning your wheels. Sometimes we get comfortable in our lives and it's scary to go out of our comfort zone, so we push on trying to make the 'comfortable' work. I'm not saying that is what you are doing - just relating my experience and the experiences of some people I met in a divorce support group. We all agreed that once we cleared the 'scary' hurdle, and got some distance from the situation we were in, we realized just how much sooner we should've made changes. Whether that change for you is intense counselling, or a trial split or something else, I can't tell you, but it sounds as if you are in desperate need of SOMETHING...and IMO the sooner the better. It's hard to go through life in limbo.

[Chimeradog]

8. when it's time to leave~

It took me two years , and previously had been debating on it for the previous five. No kids, so that was a plus.

Staying together for things, the house etc., is no way to stay sane. It's not easy to be alone , but I have friends now and peace and quiet in my home (Instead of the negative drama he thrived on).

I knew it was the right choice when I started dreading every weekend bcs he'd be home all day and we wouldn't be at work.

I know of some people who say their only peace is in the workplace bcs the home life is hell. Imho, that's the time to get out.

[Demeter]

9. I filed when I realized it was never going to get better, only worse and worse

I could not even pretend there was any hope.

He would sit in therapy with his arms crossed. He had no interest in being married, but oh, how he fought paying the divorce.

My life never got back "on track", because of extenuating circumstances. But it stopped getting worse. That's how I know now that it was the best thing to do.

[a la izquierda]

10. Thanks.

Things are still stagnant and I beat myself up for bricking myself into a corner.

[Demeter]

11. It took me 8 years to decide

to trust my gut.

[SheilaT]

12. Start pulling down those bricks.

Do not let yourself spend years in a stagnant place.

I know how hard it is. At least I know how hard it was for me. And I'm not just talking about my marriage, but a relationship long before I married, that lasted seven years. I let that drag on much longer than it should have. My only excuse is that I was young and stupid.

No matter how old you are, it's never too late to start again. It ALWAYS feels as if things will be awful forever, you'll never love again, you've thrown away the only thing you might have had. Nonsense. You can start over at any age. True, it won't be the same as when you were younger, but you can always start a new life.

Here's my story connected to my divorce. I married at 32, we had two kids, a reasonably decent marriage. After 25 years of marriage he met someone else he decided he'd rather be with. To say I felt betrayed doesn't begin to cover it, but I realized very quickly there was no changing his mind, no turning back. So I moved 800 miles away to another part of the country and started a new life at the age of 60. I'm 66 now, and have a very good life. New friends. I worked for a while, and retired last year. I'm not rich. I need to live frugally, but I'm fortunate enough not to be destitute. I have two grown sons I don't see as often as I'd like, but they have their own lives, and that's very good.

Whether we remain married forever or wind up on our own, our lives don't often turn out exactly as we'd hoped. It's important, I believe, to make the best of what we have and to move forward.

I hope you get out of that corner and make your life as it should be.

[duhneece]

25. I'll be 68 in January 2019

DUers can be brutal as well as compassionate and wise. My Christmas 2018 post: I was 86’d by (ex) boyfriend. https://www.democraticunderground.com/100211591669

[tiffinynelson]

13. A new start is always better..

Last edited Fri Apr 24, 2015, 05:49 AM - Edit history (1)

I agree with SheilaT, I am myself dealing with divorce currently. I know its painful but its better to move on happily in life, Take legal experts advice so that you can complete legal formalities and then move on happily in life.

[In_The_Wind]

14. Hello ~ tiffinynelson

Oh, and [img][/img]






I hope you enjoy DU as much as I do.
[img][/img]
ITW

[bighart]

15. I am in a similar situation

My marriage is for all intents and purposes just 2 people living together.
She gets angry when she wants to talk about the "relationship" and I have nothing to say but admits there is no attraction and she has no interest in sex.
She became very religious after we married and now I get grief if I even want to have a beer now and then.
Neither of us has any friends really because they all got uncomfortable being around us.
At least I have work, has always stayed home. Kids are all grown and moved off hours away.

I have wanted a divorce for years just not done anything about it partially out of guilt and not wanting to leave her destitute
I have fought with depression off and on my entire adult life in part because I am unhappy. I married her out of a sense of responsibility, we had a child, and stayed for the same reason. Marriage goes thru cycles where I resolve to make the best of it but can't seem to sustain that resolve for more than 7 to 10 years at stretch.

[SheilaT]

16. Without knowing more than what you've posted,

I'm going to suggest that you do what's best for you.

I understand how hard it can be to divorce. While I have never had any general opposition to it, I found that when it came to me, I was very angry at having to call myself a divorced person. I think I've gotten over that.

Among other things, ask yourself the old Ann Landers (or was it Dear Abby) question: are you better off with or without that person?

If your spouse has changed in ways that are not only antithetical to what she was originally, but also contrary to what you thought you'd signed up for, then that's a sign it's time to leave.

If your concern is that you don't want to leave her destitute (and I sincerely admire that) then do your best to figure out a solution.

Don't know if this is helpful, but: If you've been married at least 10 years, divorced for 2, not remarried, and have reached your own full retirement age (currently 66), then you can file for a spousal claim, which is half of what the spouse would get at that age. And you can then postpone your own SS claim until age 70, when you max out. Continuing to work can be a very good thing.

I hope it works out for you.

[bighart]

17. Thank you for the reply

We have been married nearly 30 years and I am not even 50 yet so I have several more years to work before I can retire.
She is actually 3 years plus my senior. I had just turned 18 a month before we got married and she was just shy of 22.

The answer to the question would I be better off with or without her is I would be happier and much more content without her.
I have already resigned myself to the fact that I am going to be working well past retirement age as I have not been able to save nearly as much as I wanted to.

My two main concerns at this point are how are the kids going to take it and how in the hell am I going to pay for it.

I struggle with feeling like a complete louse for even thinking about this but at the same time I dream of being free.

[SheilaT]

18. Clearly you got married young.

And she's just over 50 herself, so she should be working. Not because you're an awful man who won't support his wife, perhaps his soon-to-be ex, but because she should be earning her own money, saving for her own retirement, building her own social security.

Chances are the kids know what's going on more than you think. They've seen your quiet misery over time. A divorce does not need to be expensive, at least the process of divorcing, and your financial obligation to your ex will be a function of what state you live in. Research it. Uncontested divorces, especially if there's little property to divide or the division is amicable, don't have too huge a cost for that part of it. If you're going to be paying child or spousal support, that's another thing entirely.

I do sympathize. It's not easy under the best of circumstances, and it sounds as if your situation is less than ideal.

Because I had stayed out of the workforce for nearly 25 years, when I was first divorced I was horrified to see what my ultimate SS check would be, no matter when I started collecting. Then I went back to work, and even though I did not earn a great deal of money, I started wiping out some of the many years I'd had zero income. SS is figured on your 35 years of highest pay, which is an important thing to know. Before very long, my SS payout doubled, at whatever point I'd take it. Wow.

I also need to clarify the conditions that allow a person to collect a divorced spouse benefit. You must have been married at least ten years. If you've been divorced at least two years, and have reached your full retirement age (FRA), and your spouse is at least 62, you can simply file for the benefit. I just did that this morning. The benefit is half of what the spouse's full benefit would be at his or her FRA. Do not file for your own benefit early, instead file for your full benefit (assuming it's greater than the divorced spouse one) at age 70. I think the nice people at the Social Security Administration may simply make that switch when you turn 70 without your needing to do anything. I was pleasantly surprised to learn how much I'd be getting, and it looks as if my claim will be retro-active six months, which will be a tidy sum. My ex has just turned 62, so this month is the earliest I could have filed.

I know this is all confusing, you're a good decade away from any of this, but hopefully this will resurface in your mind when it's needed.

[bighart]

21. I think in many ways I have done her a disservice

I should have pushed her to get a job for her own good, in part because of the whole social security thing. I have been fortunate enough to have made a living wage but with one income saving was difficult and I don't have near what I know I should as well.
I know retirement will be rough financially regardless.

I have always been one to avoid confrontation but can be very passive aggressive. It may be justification in my mind at this point but I have always felt like I almost got bullied into getting married.

I tried several times to break it off before she got pregnant but she always had drugs, alcohol and money and those were things I didn't have much of so I would end up saying yes when would call or come by and ask me to go party with her. I can't say she forced me to have sex with her but she was always the aggressor back in those days and was the one that insisted no condom after a few times.

[SheilaT]

22. Do push her very hard to get a job.

If all you both have in retirement is your SS, it's going to be quite tough. And given what you've said, it's understandable you feel resentment toward her. I'm not going to blame either of you, but I honestly think that staying in a bad marriage is a very bad idea.

She is young enough to get some sort of training, perhaps a certificate in something and get a decent job. I became a paralegal at age 58. There are also tons of jobs in the happy world of medicine, including things like coding, if she's up for that sort of thing. If you have a decent junior college nearby, they are wonderful and have many, many programs to look at.

[a la izquierda]

19. I'm sorry for you...

My marriage is finally at its end, but here I am at 245am, wide awake, stress eating me alive. I know your struggle and wish you luck.

[bighart]

20. Thank you.

I know your struggle as well. I have sat up many nights trying to figure out what to do, thinking I was a bastard for even considering what I was thinking about.

As I get older I realize it isn't supposed to be this way.

[mahina]

29. A la izquierda, please read my post about the stress

Vites unthread. They help me so much. Wishing you healing and rest. Aloha.

[01stworldview]

23. Coping with Divorce or Separation

It's hard to stay in a relationship that there will be no spark.

[mnhtnbb]

24. There's some very good advice in this thread

for those who are wrestling with separation and divorce.

After 32 years of a 2nd marriage at age 66 I separated from my husband last November. My first marriage ended after 7 years and no kids when I was 28. I have two adult sons now from my 2nd marriage. One of them won't speak to me and the other is very angry and judgmental. It's early in the process now and I hope they'll come around in time.

I have to say that I considered leaving the last marriage 7 or 8 years ago after our house was destroyed in a fire. I blame my husband for the fire and his unwillingness to listen to my concerns and advice, which translates to a lack of respect for me. There were lies, too, and a lack of trust. After seeing a therapist for several months I decided I would be better off with him than without him, and decided to recommit to the marriage. We rebuilt the burned down house with a better house and I lost 40 lbs in an effort to start out in better health at age 60.

It didn't work. It was a lovely house and I enjoyed looking and feeling 10 years younger, but I was still married to the same man with the same character flaws. I went back to the same therapist and after almost a year decided that I needed to leave the marriage to save myself. I was angry all the time. I still felt disrespected. I had gained back all the weight I'd lost and was back in the habit of having cocktails or wine daily to cope with the stress and anger. Now the decision to leave was compounded by health issues in my husband--at age 75--which he denies exist. It created an untenable situation for me because we couldn't talk about it. His denial made it impossible to discuss legal or financial issues or living arrangements. Without being able to talk about it, I couldn't build support for coping with the stress to come. He is in such denial and so accustomed to lying, that he 'fired' the neurologist who gave him the diagnosis he didn't want to hear after being followed for 2 and a half years by a doc with a national reputation in the field. My 30,000 hours of living with him, making observations of symptoms, in the 3 and a half years since the first strange behavior meant nothing. It was rejection of me which was so disrespectful that it pushed me to do what I should have done after the fire--walk away.

So I did last November. I came to the place where I am happiest--the beach--but will move to a high rise downtown Raleigh apartment next month where I can walk everywhere. I will have a studio apartment with a city skyline view. It's going to be a lot different than the big house we built at the end of a lane on a tree covered hillside in Chapel Hill. I'm looking forward to it and trying to figure out where I will want to be when the divorce is final . NC requires a year of separation before you can file for divorce. Presumably we work out the financial settlement during that time. We both have attorneys and have started that process.

I am happier than I've been in a long time. I am still very angry with my husband. He has turned the boys against me for leaving and actually set up my youngest to call me a couple of weeks ago and question my mental stability for leaving. He can still push my buttons. He's a psychiatrist and should know better than to encourage adult children to take sides. I think he's been undermining me, though, for a long time. Right now my goal is to get the financial side worked out to my benefit so I can support myself for another 20 years if my health should hold out.

What I've learned so far is that it really never is too late to start over. I will be 67 next month. I should have done this years ago when I realized I could no longer trust and depend upon him. I'm toying with the idea of going to live in Europe for a year when the divorce is final to see if I'd like to move to France or Italy or Spain or Portugal, which are all countries that will take retirees if they can show they have their own financial means. We'll see.

[elleng]

26. It's a balance sheet (or was for me;)

If there's more good than bad, then stay, and vice versa.

(I left when he hit me, when he was in custody; I could easily leave. No children at home then.)

[marble falls]

34. The tip I got was to ask myself if there was one thing I loved about her to sacrifice ...

for the one thing I couldn't stand. That if there was the marriage was over. I realized that I could compromise my marriage into a ball of indifference.

I am sorry, though you were hit. There just is no excuse and hitters do not stop hitting, they only escalate.

[kimbutgar]

27. Life is too short to be unhappy and not enjoy marrage

If there are no kids it’s essier to walk away. I was married for 4 years to a guy I realized on the honeymoon was a big mistake. Because I was raised Catholic I stuck it out. Everytime I’d talk to my mother she said” don’t get pregnant” I was so miserable. Then on my 29th birthday he got drunk and told me he married me for my money and wasn’t in love with me. The next day he apologized and said it was the alcohol. But I knew that marriage was over. Then he came home from work the next day and I saw in his face rage and hate and I left him and we divorced. It took a good year and then I got over it. Never saw him again but called him a year later for final closure urged by my therapist. He was a major asshole to me. I cried one last time over him and that was it. About a month later I met this handsome guy in a nightclub. I tried to get rid of him because I did not want to be in a relationship, just have fun. He said if I gave him my number he’d leave me alone. I gave him my number thinking he’d never call. Well he did 3 weeks later. We dated me despite my being commitment phobic, but he persisted and for three years on and off. This year we celebrated our 29 Th wedding anniversary. It turns out he was my soulmate and love of my life.

So I tell you move on and start your life it will get better.

[a la izquierda]

30. I'm just revisiting this thread.

I’m still married, though separated and friends. I spend as much time as possible out of the town we live in and I want to move.
And yet here I am. Wanting to move to another continent and start my life over.
Fuck.

[marble falls]

33. Do what you need to end the stress. Use counciling to fix the stress and not go over the ...

marriage that it seems only you are interested in saving. I wasted years autopsying my marriage the last year and for a couple of years after. It froze my life in place for at least four years.

You can get mired by the past and can get relief by moving on.

[a kennedy]

36. Wow, i'm writing this in 2022 !!!!!

I know it’s over.....no counseling is gonna help. Thing is.....he’s getting really bad in the mental department, he’s 76 I’m 72. He’s driving me nuts with how long it takes him to do stuff. ANYTHING really, I call him a Putz. Hard to explain really, he takes forever to do just the easiest tasks. I feel terrible at even thinking of leaving him......no kids between us. He does have a wonderful daughter by a previous marriage and she is married but they have no kids either, so really I have no connection to him outside of our 42 year marriage. I think I am a horrible wife to not love him more at his declining state. I think i’ve got problems because i’m not trying to help him through his failings. Why am I not his partner and try to help him through his declining health and mind. So right now, I’m thinking either divorce or suicide. Not much of a choice is it. We have NOTHING in common anymore. NOTHING. I don't Know what to do. I feel I have no one to talk to either. Friends have no idea how i’m feeling, family either. My sister, and my best friend are gone, both have died. I’m at my end. Marriage wise AND my life.