Welcome to DU! The truly grassroots left-of-center political community where regular people, not algorithms, drive the discussions and set the standards. Join the community: Create a free account Support DU (and get rid of ads!): Become a Star Member All Forums Issue Forums Culture Forums Alliance Forums Region Forums Support Forums Help & Search

MrMickeysMom

(20,453 posts)
Sun Jun 21, 2015, 05:14 PM Jun 2015

I know this isn't about me, it's my brother… May I ask???

I noticed from comments that whenever there's a question, the group responds…

My brother, who after 40 years of marriage, then divorce, then "adjustment" to find himself, had a girlfriend who finally, after searching around, seemed to be "perfect". I know that nobody is…

Long story (and it is a long one) short, she has dropped him after deciding that he is just to rough for her rather ideal everyday expectations -

Expectations:

1) No tolerance for swearing (she even spelled, "h.e.c.k." when mad)

2) No tolerance for forgetting to call her by a certain time (which he was pretty damned good at doing)

3) No tolerance for "not getting it up" (this was the strange one.. he's in his 60's and I have to say, that's a tall order sometimes)

I could go on, but after playing "Dear Abby" and asking him to honestly analyze this strict regimen, I find that she was pretty predictable as to what she would say and how she would say it relating to every day phone calls, and weirdly, in the bedroom. Now, before you think I'm strange for getting this involved into the discussion, you have to understand that I'm pretty honest with siblings. Frankly, after the years of marriage and what my brother thought it was going to take to "keep a girlfriend", he has analyzed so much with me, that I've asked if he could ask others, especially professionally. I don't want to give sex advice. What I'm really wondering is the controlled nature of this woman. There are too many things unknown behind that kind of control that give me pause. I and my sister have advised him to steer clear. Somehow, he keeps thinking he ought to be able to have a chance again.

There may be many more issues brother-wise… I'm just wondering about the over 60 dating and relationship thing and if this controlled behavior from his now ex-girlfriend was a sign of much stronger issues with her.

Any thoughts? Thanks in advance…

14 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight: NoneDon't highlight anything 5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
I know this isn't about me, it's my brother… May I ask??? (Original Post) MrMickeysMom Jun 2015 OP
Of COURSE you may ask. elleng Jun 2015 #1
I knew you'd say that! MrMickeysMom Jun 2015 #3
NOT the same situation, elleng Jun 2015 #7
always hard to advise others. mopinko Jun 2015 #2
That sure is right about getting into this relationship after the last one. MrMickeysMom Jun 2015 #5
how does he feel about chicago? mopinko Jun 2015 #9
LOL! MrMickeysMom Jun 2015 #10
hmmm. i like new york. mopinko Jun 2015 #11
I'm sure he is not crazy about chickens... MrMickeysMom Jun 2015 #12
She's not divorcing from her current marriage SheilaT Jun 2015 #4
I believe you are onto something, Sheila… He's needed to work on several things... MrMickeysMom Jun 2015 #6
It can be hard to start again after a long marriage. SheilaT Jun 2015 #8
"his now ex-girlfriend" Canadian Interloper Mar 2016 #13
I am sure my situation is different than yours... usedtobedemgurl Apr 2016 #14

elleng

(130,153 posts)
1. Of COURSE you may ask.
Sun Jun 21, 2015, 05:25 PM
Jun 2015

Sounds a bit over-controlling to me, or just looking for excuses to exit? I wouldn't know how to deal with it. Others may.

MrMickeysMom

(20,453 posts)
3. I knew you'd say that!
Sun Jun 21, 2015, 10:07 PM
Jun 2015
Yeeessss…. It IS a long story, which will tease out, I guess. Oh, and complicated, because she never divorced the 2nd marriage (8 years) because of his health care policy carrying her. She's "waiting" until she's Medicare eligible. I actually can understand this, as she has been separated for over 2 years. She apparently was following advice from her lawyer.

elleng

(130,153 posts)
7. NOT the same situation,
Sun Jun 21, 2015, 10:34 PM
Jun 2015

but my husband and I never divorced; separated. An agonizing process, available 'here' for those interested in the saga. So I now (he died 2 years ago) have his, which had been our federal employees health benefits, (I do pay a premium) and medicare, maybe the best health insurance around.

mopinko

(69,806 posts)
2. always hard to advise others.
Sun Jun 21, 2015, 05:48 PM
Jun 2015

but she does seem pretty wrapped up in herself.

going through a divorce at 60 the idea of a new relationship scares the crap out of me. so afraid i would just settle for someone who wanted me. which is how i got into that 30+ year marriage.

part of me thinks it would be so wonderful to be swept off my feet, and holds out hope for a grand adventure. but those are so few and far between. and i aint that cute any more.

i know this, tho. i would not settle again. it feels too good to finally be steering my own boat.
your brother shouldnt either. what is the point of getting out of the frying pan just to land in the fire?

MrMickeysMom

(20,453 posts)
5. That sure is right about getting into this relationship after the last one.
Sun Jun 21, 2015, 10:18 PM
Jun 2015

First, my ex-SIL was a controlling person. She could never be wrong, and over the years, I swear that if there was a way to make the person she was married to feel less of a person, she took that opportunity. My brother was no angel in the way he minimized her finishing her degree all those years, but as his earning power slip away and she finished her degree, I noticed more and more of a game play on who was king of the hill. I personally think counseling could have helped my brother 10 years before it ended, but he opted to go to the bottle intermittently.

This woman/ex-girlfriend seems to have a fantasy as to how relationships are supposed to be, which is Ozzie and Harriet. She also has a very close relationship to her ailing parents. Well, that's not hard to do, but the father seemed to take charge with some scorn against my brother in a very brief conversation that was not confrontational on my brother's part.

I guess I just feel like I want to infuse a dose of, "you WILL go on!". I hope he comes around soon with wanting to get this girl back. He's a decent and attractive guy who just needs some confidence in living in his own skin. He wants to please and sometimes thinks that THIS is how you express love. I believe you have to be yourself, so if someone is so incensed that you use swear words… well…

mopinko

(69,806 posts)
11. hmmm. i like new york.
Sun Jun 21, 2015, 11:23 PM
Jun 2015

hard to find a farm sitter, tho. only thing i dont like about the job.
last time i left it took 3 people to do my job. and i still came home to a mess.
easier in the winter, tho.

does he like chickens? dogs? parrots?

 

SheilaT

(23,156 posts)
4. She's not divorcing from her current marriage
Sun Jun 21, 2015, 10:15 PM
Jun 2015

so she can keep his health care? Is getting a job of her own with benefits not an option? And she still wants to be out there dating? Just that piece of information alone would tend to make me advise your brother to stay away from her.

I divorced at age 60, after almost thirty years of marriage, and in my case I've had no real interest in dating. A couple of times I met men that I was interested in, and tried to encourage them, and apparently it was quite one-sided on my part. I'm also not doing anything to get myself out there, such as dating sites. It is a whole lot harder to start dating again when you haven't done it for a long time. How long has your brother been divorced? Is he wanting a girlfriend just because he's so used to being with someone that he has no idea how to be on his own? If that's the case, then he really needs to work on the being by himself thing for a while before he tries to start a new relationship.

But this woman still sounds like bad news.

MrMickeysMom

(20,453 posts)
6. I believe you are onto something, Sheila… He's needed to work on several things...
Sun Jun 21, 2015, 10:30 PM
Jun 2015

I believed from the onset that he was interested in having a significant other for company so that he wouldn't be "eating dinner alone". He certainly has all the skill sets of running a home and gets out to volunteer at the local senior center. He will separated/divorced going on 5 years, in this new community almost 3 years as a divorced man.

He DOES need to work on being by himself in what I think should be "unconditional" relationships. This thing of having to serve as some role model ("Women like ____ things, right?&quot It's like he forgot, or maybe he never learned before having to GET married upon pregnancy with the ex-wife.

I also agree that she should be avoided. It AIN'T gonna help his real problem, is it? He became a church goer and bible study attendee primarily due to this woman.

I find the strict Ozzie and Harriet act strange, in light of the fact that she primarily wanted a predictable schedule of sex, and was guarded or jealous if anything went off schedule.

 

SheilaT

(23,156 posts)
8. It can be hard to start again after a long marriage.
Sun Jun 21, 2015, 10:34 PM
Jun 2015

I'm lucky in that I was 30 years old before I even met the man I married, so I had a good ten years as a single adult. It made the transition to being a single adult again much easier.

usedtobedemgurl

(1,100 posts)
14. I am sure my situation is different than yours...
Fri Apr 22, 2016, 09:07 AM
Apr 2016

but I have a pretty strict no swear policy for other people. The thing with me, though, is I state everything up front. I tell them they may not swear, that they are expected to pull out my chair, that they may not be late to events and other such things. With me, it is straight forward so we do not waste each other's time.

She sounds horrid. She does sound controlling and unless it is something your brother likes (it sounds like he does not), he needs to be totally done with her. Ugh! I hope he finds happiness.

Latest Discussions»Support Forums»Coping with Divorce or Separation»I know this isn't about m...