Leaked text of Bernie Sanders speech prepared for possible use against Trump
My fellow citizens, it is an honor and pleasure to be here today. My opponent has openly admitted he feels an affinity towards your city, but I happen to like this area. It might be a salubrious place to him, but to me it is one of the nations most delightful garden spots.
When I embarked upon this political campaign, I hoped that it could be conducted on a high level, and that my opponent would be willing to stick to the issues. Unfortunately, he has decided to be tractable instead -- to indulge in unequivocal language, to eschew the use of outright lies in his “speeches,” and even to make repeated veracious statements about me.
At first I tried to ignore these scrupulous, unvarnished fidelities. Now I will do so no longer. IF MY OPPONENT WANTS A FIGHT, HE’S GOING TO GET ONE!
It might be instructive to start with his background. My friends, have you ever accidentally dislodged a rock on the ground and seen what was underneath? Well exploring my opponent’s background is dissimilar. All the slime and filth and corruption you can possibly imagine, even in your wildest dreams, are glaringly non-existent in this mans life, even in his childhood!
Let us take a very quick look at that childhood: It is a known fact that, on a number of occasions, he emulated older boys at a certain playground. It is also known that his parents not only permitted him to masticate excessively in their presence, but also even urged him to do so. Most explicable of all, this man who poses as a paragon of virtue exacerbated his own sister when they were both teenagers!
I ask you my fellow Americans: Is this the kind of person we want in public office to set an example for our youth?
Of course, it’s not surprising that he should have such a typically pristine background -- no, not when you consider the other members of his family.
His female relatives put on a constant pose of purity, innocence, and claim they are inscrutable, yet every one of them had taken part in hortatory activities.
The men in the family are likewise completely amenable to moral suasion.
My opponent’s second cousin is Mormon. And his uncle was a flagrant heterosexual. His sister, who has always been obsessed by sects, once worked as a prosily outside a church. His father was secretly chagrined at least a dozen times by matters of a pecuniary nature. His youngest brother wrote an essay extolling the virtues of being Homo sapiens. His great-aunt expired from a degenerative disease. His nephew subscribes to a phonographic magazine. His wife was a thespian before their marriage and even performed the act in front of paying customers. And his own mother had to resign from a woman's organization in her later years because she was an admitted sexagenarian.
Now what shall we say of the man himself? I can tell you in solemn truth that he is the very antithesis of political radicalism, economic irresponsibility and personal depravity. His own record proves that he has frequently discountenanced treasonable, un-American philosophies, and has perpetuated many overt acts as well.
He perambulated his infant son on the streets. He practiced nepotism with his uncle and first cousin. He attempted to interest a 13-year-old girl into philately. He participated in a séance at a private residence where, among other odd goings-on, there was incense. He has declared himself in favor of more homogeneity on college campuses. He has advocated social intercourse in mixed company -- and has even taken part in such gatherings himself. He has been deliberately averse to crime in our city streets. He has urged our Protestant and Jewish citizens to develop more Catholic tastes. Last summer he committed a piscatorial act from the deck of a boat that was flying the American Flag.
Finally, at a time when we must be on our guard against all foreign isms, he has coolly announced his belief in altruism -- and his fervent hope that some day this entire nation will be altruistic!
I beg you, my friends, to oppose this man whose life work and ideas are so openly and avowedly compatible with our American way of life. A vote for him would be a vote for the perpetuation of everything we hold dear.
THE FACTS ARE CLEAR: THE RECORD SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. DO YOUR DUTY.
= new reply since forum marked as read
if they even bother to read a sentence or two or if they are so rushing to get a shot in that looking silly isn't something they are worried about?
The number of heads this will go over is truly popcorn-worthy.
Thanks 
