You Don't Have To Be Pretty

[redqueen]

This came up in another group. I really liked it the first time I read it and so though I may have shared it here before I thought I'd do so again, in case anyone else might also like it.

In a culture where, from infancy, girls are constantly bombarded by messages about the importance of appearance, I find this kind of stuff worthwhile and wish it was repeated more often.

http://www.dressaday.com/2006/10/20/you-dont-have-to-be-pretty/

So the other day, folks in the comments were talking about leggings. I'm pretty agnostic about leggings, but the whole discussion (which centered on the fact that it can be *really* hard to look good in leggings) got me thinking about the pervasive idea that women owe it to onlookers to maintain a certain standard of decorativeness.

Now, this may seem strange from someone who writes about pretty dresses (mostly) every day, but: You Don't Have to Be Pretty. You don't owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don't owe it to your mother, you don't owe it to your children, you don't owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked "female".

I'm not saying that you SHOULDN'T be pretty if you want to. (You don't owe UN-prettiness to feminism, in other words.) Pretty is pleasant, and fun, and satisfying, and makes people smile, often even at you. But in the hierarchy of importance, pretty stands several rungs down from happy, is way below healthy, and if done as a penance, or an obligation, can be so far away from independent that you may have to squint really hard to see it in the haze.

But what does you-don't-have-to-be-pretty mean in practical, everyday terms? It means that you don't have to apologize for wearing things that are held to be "unflattering" or "unfashionable" —especially if, in fact, they make you happy on some level deeper than just being pretty does. So what if your favorite color isn't a "good" color on you? So what if you are "too fat" (by some arbitrary measure) for a sleeveless top? If you are clean, are covered enough to avoid a citation for public indecency, and have bandaged any open wounds, you can wear any color or style you please, if it makes you happy.

(more at link)

[DCKit]

1. I get what you're saying, but some people take it to extremes:

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

[MadrasT]

2. Fucking awesome.

So tired of hearing about how my clothing isn't "feminine" enough to suit people.

It is not my job to satisfy people visually. Especially not male people.

Jesus Christ it pisses me the hell off.

[redqueen]

3. Hahahaha, I hear you sister.

I would love to go around with my hairy legs showing. Alas I'm too cowardly... at least for now.

[eridani]

9. Just wait until you get old enough to need support hose

Of course, that carries its own stigma.

[Little Star]

4. I'm right there with you on that one! They don't like it they don't have to look! Fug em'

[Scout]

5. awwwww, c'mon, "smile, honey"

god that pisses me off.

when someone tells me to smile, depending where we are, i tell them "go fuck yourself." or tell them i'm not required to conform my face for their viewing pleasure.

i dress for myself, my comfort, and practicality. if someone else doesn't like it, they can take a flying fuck at a rolling donut. do i "dress up" sometimes? of course if it's a special occasion; i might even wear some makeup (a little blush, a little mascara, some powder, maybe a little lipstick). i go through periods of wearing or not wearing earrings, depending on how i'm feeling about it ... sometimes i'm sick of jewelry and leave it in the box until i appreciate it again. i wear my wedding and engagement rings, and occasionally a additional ring that matches my outfit.

but for just everyday work and living, i'd be perfectly happy in jeans, t-shirts/sweatshirts, sneakers or boots. for work i can either dress up if i want (no one else does, so i would feel out of place) or wear jeans/pants, polo shirt or blouse, sneakers or clogs, and put my long hair in a ponytail or wear it loose and down. no makeup for work; nothing is wrong with my face as it is.

i'm just not comfortable in skirts, dresses, panty hose and girl shoes, making time to "do" my hair and makeup every day, and shave my legs (i really hate hairy legs under pantyhose, but otherwise hairy legs don't bother me at all).

[arcane1]

6. It can be surprising for some just how pretty "comfortable" can be n/t

[redqueen]

8. Yes, that's true.

But the real freedom isn't in the realization that one can still look pretty even while comfy, but that one doesn't need to worry about looking pretty at all. The freedom to just be a person, and not subject oneself to the constant judgment of your ability to look pretty.

[arcane1]

10. Exactly! n/t

[iverglas]

7. the class aspect is always present

Last edited Wed May 2, 2012, 04:32 PM - Edit history (1)

The link so kindly posted in this thread is to photos of WalMart shoppers. It takes only a glance to see that they didn't buy their weird and wonderful outfits at a high-end boutique, and their body shapes are not the result of too much Dr. Atkins or sessions with a personal trainer.

I put on lipstick and my grandmother's heavy gold chain necklace if I am going somewhere where I don't want to be perceived as trailer trash, generally when I go to a professional appointment of some kind (doctor, lawyer, bank). And leave the leggings at home in favour of dark trousers and a flattering if cheap top. And when weather requires, either my black suede non-casual jacket or my long stylish trench coat. My "I'm not invisible" outfits.

Yesterday the ortho surgeon gave me a prescription for a pressure stocking for my unfortunately not doing well foot and leg. Took it to the pharmacy around the corner -- a great place, located in a crappy neighbourhood and run by a guy who truly serves the community well. (He participates in a methadone program, doesn't charge the $2 copay under drug programs for seniors and social assistance recipients, etc.) Had the suede jacket on, but the sloppy shirt, no make-up or jewellery and especially the cane probably cancelled it out. Disability and low income so often go together, for sure. And of course just living in this neighbourhood suggests low income. So I give the owner's son my script, and we find that the sock costs $140. (I don't have private supplemental insurance, and $140 is a chunk of money no matter how well you earn.) So he says Sometimes your social worker will arrange it. I wasn't quite sure what he'd said, and said Excuse me? And when he repeated it, I shouldn't have, but I laughed out loud. (We settled on a $35 substitute he suggested and is ordering for me.)

Reminded me of the time I spent a fair bit of money on a painting only partly to put the snotty salesperson in her place after her initial response to my query had been a barely veiled "if you have to ask you can't afford it and too bad for you that you can't".

Anyhow. Dressing "up", class-wise, is also a defence against unwanted attention in public for women. Higher-class attire for street wear is not provocative: no very short skirts, no shorts, no leggings, no plunging necklines, certainly no bare midriffs. However, it does generally tend toward the female stereotype: heels, make-up, "done" hair.

So I dunno, I'm just kind of musing and mumbling. Both to be taken seriously in the workplace and in business and professional interactions and to avoid harassment from strangers, I gotta conform to a stereotype. A stereotype that assigns women the role of the less competent person in the former situation and the role of the object in the latter. An interesting contradiction.


typo