REAL BOYS by WILLIAM POLLACK, PH.D.

[seabeyond]

Many years ago, when I began my research into boys, I had assumed that since America was revising its ideas about girls and women, it must have also been reevaluating its traditional ideas about boys, men, and masculinity. But over the years my research findings have shown that as far as boys today are concerned, the old Boy Code--the outdated and constricting assumptions, models, and rules about boys that our society has used since the nineteenth century--is still operating in force. I have been surprised to find that even in the most progressive schools and the most politically correct communities in every part of the country and in families of all types, the Boy Code continues to affect the behavior of all of us--the boys themselves, their parents, their teachers, and society as a whole. None of us is immune--it is so ingrained. I have caught myself behaving in accordance with the code, despite my awareness of its falseness--denying sometimes that I'm emotionally in pain when in fact I am; insisting that everything is all right, when it is not.

*

The boys we care for, much like the girls we cherish, often seem to feel they must live semi-inauthentic lives, lives that conceal much of their true selves and feelings, and studies show they do so in order to fit in and be loved. The boys I see--in the "Listening to Boys' Voices" study, in schools, and in private practice--often are hiding not only a wide range of their feelings but also some of their creativity and originality, showing in effect only a handful of primary colors rather than a broad spectrum of colors and hues of the self. The Boy Code is so strong, yet so subtle, in its influence that boys may not even know they are living their lives in accordance with it. In fact, they may not realize there is such a thing until they violate the code in some way or try to ignore it. When they do, however, society tends to let them know--swiftly and forcefully--in the form of a taunt by a sibling, a rebuke by a parent or a teacher, or ostracism by classmates.

*

The use of shame to "control" boys is pervasive; it is so corrosive I will devote a whole chapter to it in this book. Boys are made to feel shame over and over, in the midst of growing up, through what I call society's shame-hardening process. The idea is that a boy needs to be disciplined, toughened up, made to act like a "real man," be independent, keep the emotions in check. A boy is told that "big boys don't cry," that he shouldn't be "a mama's boy." If these things aren't said directly, these messages dominate in subtle ways in how boys are treated--and therefore how boys come to think of themselves. Shame is at the heart of how others behave toward boys on our playing fields, in schoolrooms, summer camps, and in our homes. A number of other societal factors contribute to this old-fashioned process of shame-hardening boys, and I'll have more to say about shame in the next chapter. The second reason we lose sight of the real boy behind a mask of masculinity, and ultimately lose the boy himself, is the premature separation of a boy from his mother and all things maternal at the beginning of school. Mothers are encouraged to separate from their sons, and the act of forced separation is so common that it is generally considered to be "normal." But I have come to understand that this forcing of early separation is so acutely hurtful to boys that it can only be called a trauma--an emotional blow of damaging proportions. I also believe that it is an unnecessary trauma. Boys, like girls, will separate very naturally from their mothers, if allowed to do so at their own pace.

*

Until now, many boys have been able to live out and express only half of their emotional lives--they feel free to show their "heroic," tough, action-oriented side, their physical prowess, as well as their anger and rage. What the Boy Code dictates is that they should suppress all other emotions and cover up the more gentle, caring, vulnerable sides of themselves. In the "Listening to Boys' Voices" study, many boys told me that they feel frightened and yearn to make a connection but can't. "At school, and even most times with my parents," one boy explained, "you can't act like you're a weakling. If you start acting scared or freaking out like a crybaby, my parents get mad, other kids punch you out or just tell you to shut up and cut it out." One mother told me what she expected of her nine-year-old son. "I don't mind it when Tony complains a little bit," she said, "but if he starts getting really teary-eyed and whiny I tell him to just put a lid on it. It's for his own good because if the other boys in the area hear him crying, they'll make it tough for him. Plus, his father really hates that kind of thing!" Boys suppress feelings of rejection and loss also. One sixteen-year-old boy was told by his first girlfriend, after months of going together, that she didn't love him anymore. "You feel sick," confessed Cam. "But you just keep it inside. You don't tell anybody about it. And, then, maybe after a while, it just sort of goes away."

http://www.nytimes.com/books/first/p/pollack-boys.html
_________________________

i ran into this googling. i had forgotten about it. years ago i bought this book to read, but my 8, 9 yr old son ended up with it. he was slim, articulate, glasses, smart/academic, joyous, (not the "real boy" image) and this book ended up in the bathroom, lol, for him to pick up and read over the years. i am lucky with this son. he comes to me and shares what he is feeling, thinking, experiencing and how he is interpreting things. he makes my job easy. he has never wanted me to do for him. but, he has allowed me along for the ride to see his progression in growing up. who he is and how he thinks.

for both my sons, this book has sat around visibly, allowing them to consume what they felt they needed. it is a very good book. just putting it out there for other mothers of sons.

i can remember in middle school PTA. middle school, a time when my son was having such a tough emotional time with the manning up, societal pressure and puberty. in the PTA meeting they were getting a program together to help the girls understand what they were feeling, discuss the changes within during puberty, and the emotional struggles of their age. i asked what about a program for the boys. that this sounded like an excellent idea. i could see a strong male personality helping my son with who he is and how to handle the issues he was experiencing.

i was totally shot down by a handful of women. boys are laid back. they arent emotional. they dont have issues. ect.... i told them, what world do you live in. i have a son and i am watching it all. wow.

[MadrasT]

1. This is great

And I wish more people were concerned about how we treat boys and men in general, and the gender stereotype boxes we try to shove them into. (Of course I am concerned about how those things affect women, but I am equally concerned about how gender stereotypes and expectations affect all humans, not just the ones with girl-parts.)

I can't believe your suggestion was shot down. It makes perfect sense to me and seems like a great idea.

[seabeyond]

2. i think you and i

just like human behavior. we probably should have been psychiatrists or sociologists.

for whatever reason, i have had mostly boys/men in my life. i had my mom and a couple nieces. but then i have two sons, 5 nephews, husband, father and two brothers. i am a bit of an isolationist so not much more in my life. being a competitive swimmer growing up, i was around more of the boys than girls. and the girls i was around were a competitive, aggressive lot at that, lol.

what i found raising boys is letting them guide us as parents and they will inevitably tell us what they need. what i learned very early on is that their needs were no different than a baby girls needs. i have always had more cuddlin' going on with little boys..... well, the little girls cuddled, too. so much in the raising was no different, when we allowed a boy to be authentic to himself. and now that the boys are older, i see that their masculinity is in tact, well defined by themselves, and are healthy and grounded. i want this for all our boys. it would behoove all of us. the same that i want for our girls not to see their worth in their appearance and to own their sexuality, not hand it to the boys.

[redqueen]

3. I can believe it.

Try telling this to men, most of them will get pissed off at you... so of course women believe most men when they say this isn't a real issue, but just women and "manginas" trying to emasculate boys.

And I'm not talking about hate groups like MRAs. I mean *here*.

[One_Life_To_Give]

4. Keep to the Code

Not just other guys and parents. Not hard to find young women lamenting the lack of "Real Men". I remember a young woman noting that the guys at her college should go put on dresses. Message was clear, if I wanted a chance with women I had to be that Confident Manly guy. Being myself would be a life alone.

[seabeyond]

5. exactly. who is this nobody girl from long ago, dictating all of who you are. confidence?

how "real" is this. that would be the point of the book. what if you grew up knowing your worth, living in confidence in yourself, ability and masculinity where some no one girl can create such a tsuami in yourself to change all of who you are?

men, who are able to define their own masculinity instead of allowing a girl or society to dictate their masculinity for them are exactly that confident. and generally, those men are not looking at the girl that sees masculinity defined by society, where her need to be disrespected to feel loved, is an option.

really, you exactly proved the point of the book.

that does not mean a dependent, insecure, cry baby.

what men really do not get, when emotionally healthy, they are the ones NOT crying in their beer.

[redqueen]

6. Mirror image is a girl lamenting that many boys want a "hot" girl,

but she just wants to be herself. (or submissive / independent, or whatever other characteristics)... The point is there are female chauvinist pigs as well as male ones. The sooner their primitive opinions become socially unacceptable the better.

[MuseRider]

7. This is so true.

I raised two boys, they are adults now and very secure in who they are. It was easier for them and for me since we were a musical family and they are professional musicians. They are cut a lot of slack as far as being able to access and use a full pallet of colors and emotions. Still, the usual social stuff was the same.

I think boys, men are absolutely victims of the patriarchy. I think it can be defined in many more ways than we use it here defining it for ourselves. I think men stop themselves from growing into the humans with vast emotional experiences they can have because somewhere along the line, a long long time ago, manliness became the only way to be. Anything else was to be less. Could have been a good reason for it at that time but we would have to figure out when that was

Sometimes I wonder if this is why, it seems to me, that so many more men than women are so homophobic as well as misogynists. Their emotional well being was hijacked by the same patriarchy that stiffles and abuses women. I do not have anything to back that up, just personal experience.

Just a few thoughts.

[Tumbulu]

8. I share your observations

and actually part of my reason for finding pornography so offensive/demeaning is that I feel that it reinforces this horrendous male stereotype that in my experience enslaves men as much as it enslaves women.

Wendell Berry has a wonderful book all about this actually. If I could find it, I would re-read it.

[BlueIris]

9. You scared me. For a second, I thought the author here was that jackass

Leonard Sax, who wrote this:

http://www.seekbooks.com.au/book/Why-Gender-Matters/isbn/9780767916257.htm

It promotes the bullshit myth that Evil Feminism is promoting a 'war on boys' that encourages them to deny their "free spirited" masculinity, and be treated instead like "defective women." That man is a disturbed individual. He also wrote this:

http://www.heraldextra.com/news/opinion/editorial/around-the-nation/twilight-sinks-its-teeth-into-feminism/article_0a15adb4-2c85-5b46-bb6e-e32136f2dc2a.html

Which claims:

"Despite all the modern accouterments in the "Twilight" saga, the girls are still girls, and the boys are traditional men. More specifically: The lead male characters, Edward Cullen and Jacob Black, are muscular and unwaveringly brave, while Bella and the other girls bake cookies, make supper for the men and hold all-female slumber parties. It gets worse for feminists: Bella is regularly threatened with violence in the first three books, and in every instance she is rescued by Edward or Jacob. In the third book she describes herself as "helpless and delicious." (Warning: Fans who haven't read the fourth book should skip to the next paragraph.) Bella spends the first half of the final installment in the most helpless condition of all -- pregnant and confined to bed rest. She is unable to leave the house and becomes capable of defending herself only after she becomes a vampire.

Little surprise that not everyone is a fan: Amy Clarke, who teaches an undergraduate course on "Harry Potter" at the University of California at Davis, asked, in a newspaper story: "Do we really want our daughters reading books about a girl like Bella who is always needing to be saved?" In our enlightened era, some wonder, why would girls respond with rabid enthusiasm to books that communicate such old-fashioned gender stereotypes? Today's youth, after all, have been told since earliest childhood that gender shouldn't really matter, that girls and boys can and should do the same things, dream the same dreams, and indeed should be the same in every way that counts.
Yet on some level, it seems that children may know human nature better than grown-ups do. Consider:

The fascination that romance holds for many girls is not a mere social construct; it derives from something deeper. In my research on youth and gender issues, I have found that despite all the indoctrination they've received to the contrary, most of the hundreds of teenage girls I have interviewed in the United States, Australia and New Zealand nevertheless believe that human nature is gendered to the core. They are hungry for books that reflect that sensibility. Three decades of adults pretending that gender doesn't matter haven't created a generation of feminists who don't need men; they have instead created a horde of girls who adore the traditional male and female roles and relationships in the "Twilight" saga. Likewise, ignoring gender differences hasn't created a generation of boys who muse about their feelings while they work on their scrapbooks. Instead, a growing number of boys in this country spend much of their free time absorbed in the masculine mayhem of video games such as Grand Theft Auto and Halo or surfing the Internet for pornography.

For more than three decades, political correctness has required that educators and parents pretend that gender doesn't really matter. The results of that policy are upon us: a growing cohort of young men who spend many hours each week playing video games and looking at pornography online, while their sisters and friends dream of gentle werewolves who are content to cuddle with them and dazzling vampires who will protect them from danger. In other words, ignoring gender differences is contributing to a growing gender divide."

Obviously, your author is someone totally different. I was just totally freaked you might be one of those people who bought into Leonard Sax's offensive tripe.

[seabeyond]

10. the girls are still girls, and the boys are traditional men.

girls will always be girls and boys never will be boy, even at a young age, still they are men or men in the making.

he is living in a delusion to think girls and women are not saving themselves in RL on a daily basis. where is HIS reality check. not a man around or one that is HELPING in many cases. maybe if we start talking about it honestly instead of stories and authors like this telling us women are always saved by a man. when the reality is, women had better damn well know, they have to save themselves often FROM a man.

women have been quietly, heroically, saving themselves and saving their children from the beginning of time.

[MuseRider]

11. Ugh!

That first sentence. It always raised my hackles when I see boys called men when women are referred to as girls. The rest is hogwash as well.

That being said, I truly hope that the Twilight Saga (or whatever it is called) is not really all like that. I have never seen or read it.