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Hell Hath No Fury

(16,327 posts)
Tue Dec 30, 2014, 05:39 PM Dec 2014

Countdown to Mom moving in --

She has lived in another town 3 hours away for over 22 years, but finances and health require her to move back to the family home where I currently live. I pick up/pack up her and her cats in 2 weeks. She is in relatively good health, mentally 100%, and can take care of herself for the most part, though I know she longs to be taken care of.

With that said, I know it is going to be a huge challenge for us to be in the same house together (I am menopausal, which adds to the fun). The house is small, with one tiny living area for TV/computers/hanging out. We have always complicated relationship that I have spent years in therapy working on. I am terrified about how this will effect my life -- my freedom, my independence, my emotional health, -- I have worked long and hard to achieve them all, and to have any of them compromised would feel like a major set-back and burden.

I know that last bit sounds terribly selfish, but I have really been caring for my Mom since I was a young teen, almost 40 years -- emotional, physically and, lately, financially. I am dealing with my own issues with my health and mental health, and wonder if I will have the internal resources needed to make this new situation a success.

I am trying my best to mentally put a positive face on it, and hope that my fears are unfounded. Wish me luck!

7 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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Countdown to Mom moving in -- (Original Post) Hell Hath No Fury Dec 2014 OP
wishing you luck and strength KMOD Dec 2014 #1
If I may -- a little advice alcina Dec 2014 #2
Good advice! Hell Hath No Fury Mar 2015 #3
yes...good advice... samnsara Feb 2017 #7
taking care of elderly is both rewarding and challenging EdditJones Sep 2016 #4
reallllly patient! samnsara Feb 2017 #6
good luck...... samnsara Feb 2017 #5
 

KMOD

(7,906 posts)
1. wishing you luck and strength
Tue Dec 30, 2014, 11:44 PM
Dec 2014

Hell Hath No Fury.

It will probably be a big adjustment in your life. At least you gain a couple kitties?

alcina

(602 posts)
2. If I may -- a little advice
Wed Dec 31, 2014, 03:15 PM
Dec 2014

Take a breath before you speak. That was one of the best pieces of advice someone gave me about dealing with my mother during the time I was caring for her. I had also had a very difficult relationship with her growing up, and so much of what she'd say in recent years triggered strong emotions or made me seriously question my own recollection of my childhood. It was so easy to react and speak without thinking, and the ensuing arguments never turned out well. But the more I learned to just listen and let her words percolate a little, the more I realized that she was often speaking out of fear and seeking assurance that I still loved her and -- seriously -- wouldn't abandon her. That was a genuine fear, I later found out.

In any case, that advice was given to me by someone who had also been in this situation. Unfortunately, I didn't seek out as much peer-support as I should have back then. Were I to again care for my mother, I would absolutely join a support group. I found this forum too late, but for the short overlap with my mother being with me, it was very helpful. Sometimes there's great advice, and sometimes there are just caring shoulders to cry on. Either way, always be willing to ask for help from others. It'll save your sanity.

Good luck! And be proud of yourself for being a kind and loving daughter. Good luck with the menopause, too. I'm there now and -- bleh.

 

Hell Hath No Fury

(16,327 posts)
3. Good advice!
Mon Mar 2, 2015, 04:16 PM
Mar 2015

Now that the stress of the move is over I have started to be able to "hear" what is behind some of her words. Lots and lots of fear and anxiety. Some of it I can address, but some of it is not mine to work on. Thankfully, I am in therapy and have reconnected with a high school friend and college friend who are in a very similar situation with their Moms -- having "comrades" in this effort has been good. Thank you for the kind works and advice! Hell

samnsara

(17,619 posts)
7. yes...good advice...
Tue Feb 14, 2017, 09:57 PM
Feb 2017

my father is also aphasic and cant remember the right words.. this is particular rough since he used to be a newspaper editor and has written 3 books. He also thinks he can still do stuff so he's impulsive. The only time I kinda lost it was when he was insisting he can still drive. I threw a dish towel at him and said if that had been a little kid he would have run over it. He just had this surprised look on his face. I went into the other room ( away from the full blast tv) and cried.

EdditJones

(10 posts)
4. taking care of elderly is both rewarding and challenging
Thu Sep 15, 2016, 11:51 AM
Sep 2016

i've been doing it for 16 years. It's never easy, always rewarding, and challenging. you have to be patient with lots of empathy.

good luck.

samnsara

(17,619 posts)
6. reallllly patient!
Tue Feb 14, 2017, 09:49 PM
Feb 2017

...being suddenly thrust into a caregiving role for my 90 yr old mostly senile mostly deaf father when my mother was rushed to the hospital for pneumonia really tested me (I arrived here for an overnight stay in January) I know these are the days I will remember most with my parents but dad is homebound...my home is 75 miles away.. I see my hubby an afternoon a week when he runs groceries and (Tequila!) to me once a week...since I cant even leave the house to get food. I cant get back home til mom and dad are moved nearer us. I told hubby to just have my mail forwarded here

samnsara

(17,619 posts)
5. good luck......
Tue Feb 14, 2017, 09:44 PM
Feb 2017

...I have a good relationship with my parents but its still tough. I can only imagine what its like for you. Stay in touch.. this is a good place to vent. And.. take care of yourself. If the caregiver isn't healthy then no one is.

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