how to deal with a defiant elderly parent...

[samnsara]

...My parents are 86 and 92 and frail. They are living in the same house they bought in the 70s and haven't done a damn thing to it. So its dilapidated. Its an acre of land that they can neither handle nor keep maintained. Everythings old and torn up....the floor, carpets, counters cupboards..everything will have to be replaced before we sell it. Moms got a Harvest Gold range!

They are 40 miles from one dtr who works full time. My other sis (a nurse) and myself are retired and we life in the other direction..90 miles away...also in my town are 2 grand daughters ( ones also a nurse) and my hubby who is a Pharmacist. Lots of services for them here. NO Sr services in the town they are in now.

Mom and/or dad have had some sort of hospitalization each year..and when that happens one of us kids has to leave our own family and go stay with which ever one is home to help out. Last January I went there for an over night trip to help out and didn't get home for 6 weeks! Also as of last month nether have a drivers license. Now they need groceries brought to them. Hubby works in a pharmacy about 40 miles rom them so hes been spending 3-4 nights a week at their house getting them groceries, supplies, and took them to do banking on his day off. This means I see my husband less than they do! Hubby wants t o retire but feeling responsible for keeping an eye on mom and dad since hes so close most of the week.

So for the last year or so we've been talking to them how they have to move because the hospitalizations are more frequent and frankly I want to spend what last days any of us have closer to them. Hubby and I are even willing to take out the loan for them to get a house near us and then recoup our $ rom when we finally sell their home.

SO...we found a home in a retirement community that we can afford and we are ready to make an offer...... BUT now dad (some dementia, some Parkinsons) is refusing to even consider moving. Moms about in tears as she wants to be closer to family too but dads not having anything to do with it.

We are going to end up losing this house as we only have a cpl days to make the offer.

So..... we are driving the 90 miles to get them in the morning and throwing them in the car and not tell dad where we are going....bring them up here to see the house. Maybe that will show him a better way of living.
My friend actually drugged her parents when they had to fly them to a new home.
Anyone else encounter a similar situation? ( sorry didnt mean to write a book)

[Phoenix61]

1. My guess is your dad doesn't like feeling

dependent. A lot of times, old folks get by in their own home out of memory. When they move some place new they can get very confused and disoriented. That being said, I'm sure there were times they made decisions for you that were in your best interest that you didn't like. They aren't able to care for themselves and you caring for them would be so much easier if they were closer. Maybe try to bribe your dad? More outings, etc if they are closer.

[samnsara]

9. they are 90 miles from me and 45 from my other sis. NOW my mom may

..be facing amputation and long term rehab. I tried bribing him with a new home furnished!

[enough]

2. I went through something like this when both my parents were in their late 80's.

My father had Mid-stage Alzheimer's and my mother was very sick with kidney issues. The whole process took a very long time, and there were long periods when my life was totally determined by their needs, which was not good for any of us. I lost my health, my energy, and my optimism, and it took several years to get all that back.

What I experienced was that things are constantly changing for the worse, and if you can wait, the time will come when he no longer has the will or the focus to try to resist the inevitable care-giving arrangements that have to be made. My father was totally unwilling to think about coming to live with us. He fought it tooth and nail until the time came, pretty suddenly, when he became so dependent on us to help him that he gave up the fight. I know in your case this may mean losing the house you are looking at, but maybe it won't.

I think you're doing the right thing by taking him there to see the house, even without telling him the whole story. My bet is that feeling pressured to make the move is making him resist, because he still wants to be in charge of his life. If he doesn't feel pressured, the resistance may fade away. It's amazing how sensitive and complicated all these issues are when your parents are fading.

One thing I finally learned was that the lives and health of the care-givers are just as important as the lives of the patients. It isn't fair or right that your and your husband's lives should be completely disregarded in this situation. In order to take care of them properly, your life has to be tolerable too.

I wish you all the best.

One more thought. If you want them to move, don't make it TOO easy for them to stay where they are. Of course you have to make sure they have food, warmth, cleanliness, access to their doctors, and help with banking. But beyond that, let them know that you are still very busy and can't get there to see them at a moment's notice, you can't spend weeks at their house, and that it would be great if they were closer so you could spend more time with them. This might sound cold, but it's reality, and they need to face that.

[rainin]

3. This is a tough situation. It makes me glad my mom lost her house and HAD to move

in with me. Every decision that she has to make is difficult. I'm thankful when a decision is out of her hands.

We still are dealing with huge storage units full of her stuff that she can't part with even though we can't afford the storage. If she weren't here, we'd probably throw most of it away, but it's hard for her to part with her stuff even though she's downsized into less than 1/2 the square footage of living space.

I hope you're able to move ahead with the purchase so you can be moving forward, not stalled. All that work was intended to solve a problem, not just be a waste of precious energy and time (yours).

All the best. This is very hard.

[packman]

4. Had to do it to my mother-in-law

early late stages (hope that makes sense) of Alzheimer's. She became increasingly belligerent and wanted to move back to her home in Pennsylvania. Got to the point where she kicked out the ground-level screens in her room and started walking down the street to "catch a bus" to take her home.

We forced some valium into her and put her into our van took her the local hospital which handled such cases. There they had to strap her down in a wheel chair after she threw a shoe at a doctor.

They medicated her and kept her under observation while we got a Baker's Act (legal doc. needed in Florida for signing her into our care). She was transported from the hospital to an intensive care nursing home where she stayed until eventually passing away.

You'll have rough days ahead and the only thing to do is to more forward with the peace of mind that you are doing the best you can and with all love behind anything you have to do . There comes a time when we have to become parents to our parents and courage is needed .

[KatyaR]

5. I had to do that with my mom.

My dad had passed away 25 years previously; I'm an only child who lived 45 minutes away and didn't have a very good relationship with my mother. She was retired and had slowly started becoming forgetful, etc. The police found her wandering the streets after midnight in her nightgown and carrying her handbag at least twice (she thought she was going to the bathroom across the hall from her bedroom), she was getting lost when she would drive, she couldn't remember the simplest things. I was scared she'd burn the house down. There was no way I could work full time and take care of her; our relationship was so bad that it would have been a nightmare (and I'm just not a caregiver). She couldn't stay on her own and there was no one else to help. So my aunt and I found a nursing home in the town where my aunt lived. I took my mom to visit my aunt, we went for a ride and ended up at the nursing home. My mom went psycho, we finally had to walk out the door and leave her. I felt guilty for a bit but there was no way that I could have done anything different. My aunt was close by until she died after three years later, and mom died two years after that.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's not fair, but your parents will be so much better off, and you and your husband will be able to rest.

[samnsara]

10. thank you.. I sure hope so

..sounds like you went thru a lot with your folks too...(((hugs)))

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

6. I keep on hearing similar stories like all of those in this thread.

I am very grateful that I and my siblings were spared from this. My father died in 1973, and mom in 1999 at age 82 after a brief illness. But so many our age have elderly parents who need care and essentially refuse to do what they should.

I can't offer you any real advice. I wish I could. I can say that I think a lot about how I might manage my life down the road. Right now I'm 69 and in excellent health. My only son is in a PhD program on the east coast, and when he's done with that and hopefully has a job that will last the rest of his working life, I may well relocate to be much closer to him. I will also be happy to move into independent/assisted living what that seems to be a good idea.

All of these stories about aging parents are bad enough, but there are a lot of us in this next generation who either never married or never had kids, and I worry a lot about what will happen to them as they age. My son is not married, and I don't expect he ever will. He seems content to be single and immersed in his world of physics. But down the road I hope to talk to him about his ultimate plans for the end of his life.

These are conversations that need to take place.

[Freddie]

7. Sounds like they might be better in assisted living f

Than a house in a retirement community. I had to persuade my parents and it was horrible with my dad. Mom needed more care than he could give at 87, he'd had a couple fenderbenders, they tried 24/7 home care which was horrifically expensive and some of the aides were less than stellar. We found a nice place and Mom was happy there (and got the care she needed) and I think Dad was mad at me until he died 5 years later. Not mad at my brother, of course.
Sometimes it takes a health crisis to make the point that they can't do it themselves anymore. Then you have no choice of facilities and are forced to make quick decisions. Tell them you don't want that to happen.

[samnsara]

11. im thinking a health crisis will have to happen...which may be sooner than later...

...my mom may be facing amputation of a toe (or maybe foot)..so she will be in a wheelchair and cant cook clean and wash for him.

[No Vested Interest]

8. Please consider your husband, obviously a good guy, and do what is best for him and for you,

so that you will not have regrets should anything go wrong for him while he assists your parents so long and so often.
Husband is your first priority.
Things are going to go bad for your parents inevitably, likely sooner rather than later.
It's not right that hubby's in-laws are determining the direction of these years that are so valuable to him.

Hope all went well when you brought them to see the house.
Probably your Dad nixed it. For your sake, I hope not, but, from what you describe, I believe he did.

Best wishes in your endeavors.