Soon my daddy will be gone and I feel so helpless.
He has had prostate cancer for several years and it has spread to his bones and most likely starting to affect his vital organs. I saw him briefly a week ago and he was very thin and confused.
He adopted me when I was three years old. I am the product of a previous marriage. My mother left my father not knowing she was pregnant and daddy married her after I was born and she was able to divorce my biological father. Then he adopted me.
I have always been an outcast in my family. Not the real daughter according to my half sister who tormented me relentlessly. He has been a very good father. He took good care of mother and helped make a way for me.
When I was in high school I noticed that his mother, that I considered my grandmother, didn’t have a picture of me on the shelves with the other grandchildren and he took a picture, framed it and when he and I went for a visit he put it on her shelves with the others. I never saw it there again because grandmother kept it in a drawer after that but that act of kindness on his part meant so much.
He spent most of his life helping others. After over thirty years in the military he retired at top grade having reached as high as he could achieve. Then his volunteer career began. For more than twenty years after retirement he volunteered in every way imaginable.
Mostly for the community at large as a member of various boards. He was a Guardian Ad Litem. His caseload usually thirty or more at risk children. He was instrumental in creating a rape crisis center, a non profit psychological services center, worked to establish Big Brothers and Sisters in the county and received an award from the governor for his many good works.
Now he is close to death and Covid means that I can't be there for him. He does have my half sister who lives there and has been guilt tripping me because she wants nothing to do with the situation. My mother is there but she has had a long battle with depression, is a suicide survivor and has brain damage as a result of her attempt. She is suffering from a multi infarct dementia as well.
I want to help but when I went to see him they treated me like I was in the way. My sister said that I was being ridiculous because I masked up and practiced distancing.
I am used to being an outcast, frequently reminded I'm not the real daughter or a real sister. That's probably why I'm a loner. I wish I could help some way but I know that they really don't want me there.
He's been a really good daddy and I wish he could be with us just a little bit longer. I worry about what mother will do. I know her heart will be broken. I just want him to be with her a little while longer.
If I could make a deal with the devil to make that happen I would do it in a heart beat. Just a little bit longer. But I know he's near the end.
My sister is angry because I am not helping her. She's been complaining about me not helping and that she's going to have to take care of mother when he's gone. She thinks I should just ignore Covid because it is a hoax. She has not been practicing any precautions. I am not interested in risking my health because she wants to do her thing and not have to "deal with everything."
Mother is angry. My half sister is angry and daddy, who's been the glue, always telling us that he was "taking care of his girls" is slipping away.
I am devastatingly sad. I just got off the phone with mother. The nurse was there and again I'm just interrupting. There's nothing I can do. I am crying uncontrollably. I just need to get it all out.Then try to keep it together because it is going to get much worse and I have to be prepared. Thanks for reading this. I love my DU family. Everyone here means so much to me. Thank you.
❤ lmsp
= new reply since forum marked as read
we care 
This is sad and I'm so sorry for you. Your touching tribute to your daddy is so sweet and moving. Be strong and I hope you will have some additional time with him. He sounds like a very good man. My very best to you and thank you for posting this here.
I am so sorry for your aching breaking heart ((((((hugs)))))) to you
I wish all of this was different, so you could go and be with him
My virtual arms are around you
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, my dear lmsp.
He will be part of you forever.
You. I am so sorry, my deepest condolences for your loss.
🙏😭
But, from everything I just read about your Dad, he absolutely knew you were right where you were supposed to be, with him and your mom.
That he noticed your picture was missing, and made a point to put it in its rightful place, that says everything to me about the man he is.
Do yourself a couple of really huge favors.
Go see your Dad. Cover yourself in PPE so that you don't expose yourself to those who are not being careful. You have every right to see him, and you need to see him.
The absolute hell with what anybody else is saying. You have a very special relationship with your Dad, and he needs you there as much as you need to be there.
From what you wrote, it's obvious your Dad loves you very much. And I'm betting it's obvious to everyone else in your family. And they are jealous. Too bad.
I'm going to repeat this part. The absolute hell with what anybody else is saying. You and your Dad deserve the chance to say goodbye. You deserve the chance to tell him that you love him, to thank him for that love. And all the other things you want to say to him. And I bet he has some things he would love to say to you. Don't let anyone take that away from either one of you.
We are all here for you.
And if you ever want to talk to another adoptee, I am here for you!
that your wonderful father has.
Your loss is devastating, and I am sad for you. You are loved. You are not an outcast.
I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I know you will get support here, so it's good you're sharing what you're going through.
I feel so bad for you. And I can truly empathize.
I don't know if it will help at all to know it's not just you, but it's not. Especially in not wanting to have to unnecessarily risk your own health to help or even just be with a dying parent.
My father died of pancreatic cancer on October 25. He only lived 67 days after his diagnosis and was cared for by my Mom, with help from all 5 of her children.
But, 3 of them were there most of the time and none of them would wear masks. They claimed they were bring careful and couldn't possibly be carrying the virus, but they really weren't. So, my husband and I had the added worry of getting COVID when we went there.
Every time, I reminded my mom how bad it would be if she got COVID on top of everything, she would admit I was right. But, nothing changed.
The only one of them to wear a mask consistently when my husband & I were there was my Dad. I finally felt so awful about it I said, "Dad, you're the only person here I don't expect to wear a mask." So, he stopped wearing it.
In other ways, as well, my one sister and I were made to feel both unwanted & resented for not being there more. And we resented them for treating us that way.
And after Dad died, we couldn't talk about it with Mom, because 1. Her husband just died and 2. She said we're being petty, since we weren't the ones there most of the time helping her with Dad.
Then, the day after Christmas, my only brother, one of the "good" helpers, died suddenly in an accident. To add to the tragedy, his young adult sons were there and saw it happen.
Our grief-stricken, divided family is not doing well.
Some people think "After all that, why can't you all just unite?" But it's not that easy.
