Stephen Colbert - Monologue and Opening - 1/8/2026

[Rhiannon12866]

Trump Admin: Obey Or Die | AI Health Advice | The Best Of The Worst Gadgets From CES

Trump's propaganda machine wants you to believe the killing of Renee Nicole Good wasn't a senseless and predictable crime committed by our government, artificial intelligence is creeping into the health care system in dubious ways, and a $5,000 smart toilet that can call for help is the best new gadget of the year.





Meanwhile... Nicole & Keith Split | Beloved Walrus Penis Stolen | Rejected Vanity License Plates

Meanwhile... Another celebrity couple hit the skids, people in New Jersey seem really attached to an old walrus penis bone, and the DMV in Illinois is a total buzzkill.





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Download the app that puts your clothes back on.

[NJCher]

1. Mixing the prescription delivery

With music from the 80s was pure genius.Did I laugh!!

[Rhiannon12866]

2. LOL! I don't know what we'd do without his humor during these stressful times

Somehow he makes us laugh despite the news!

[NJCher]

3. Wasn't it amazing

How he paid tribute to Good, got in a swift kick to Noem’s sorry ass, and transitioned to lighter matters?

[Rhiannon12866]

4. Absolutely amazing! No matter how harrowing the news of the day, he's still capable of making us laugh

And he addresses the news every single day...

[gfarber]

5. Submission Is Safety

There once was a man named Don T.,
Who shouted, “Obey, or you’re free—
To vanish, depart,
Play your mandated part,
Or face what we call authority.”

Stephen Miller, quite pale and severe,
Whispered, “Submission is safety, my dear.”
“If you hesitate twice,
You’re the cause of your vice—
Noncompliance explains why you’re not here.”

Kristi Noem struck a law-and-order pose,
With a smile that grew colder than snows.
“Just follow commands,
Keep your life in our hands—
It’s amazing how peaceful that goes.”

J.D. Vance nodded grimly on cue,
Said, “This is what patriots do.
When the badge gives direction,
Life’s a conditional section—
You live if we say that you do.”

Pam Bondi declared on the air,
“We’re shocked anyone finds this unfair.
If you died, it’s quite plain
You resisted again—
Responsibility starts over there.”

Said Colbert, “The message is clear:
It’s ‘Obey, or you disappear.’
And if you’re erased,
They’ll insist you misplaced
Your chance to keep breathing this year.”

Kimmel sighed, “Once truth had a seat.
Now lies wear a badge and repeat:
‘You flaunted the laws,
If you’re dead, you’re the cause—
Please applaud as we shuffle our feet.’”

Michelle Goldberg read posts with alarm,
At the giddy, authoritarian charm:
A state built on fear,
Where compliance is dear,
And submission’s the only safe form.

Jasmine Crockett wept, steady, then spoke:
“A child lost her mother—no joke.
If this murder stands tall,
We’ll protest once more, y’all—
Justice dies when the people stay broke.”

So remember this lesson they teach,
From the lectern to cable-news speech:
Life’s a favor they lend,
Not a right to defend—
And dissent’s something bullets can breach.

[roscoeroscoe]

6. Colbert was so good last night. Must see.

Both he and Kimmel were just great. I recommend watching on You Tube each morning to reset for the day.

[JohnnyRingo]

7. Colbert is a treasure. I'd say I'll miss him, but.....

....as long as there is streaming and cable TV, he's not going away.
I don't doubt HBO might want to put him on before or after Bill Maher. Netflix can make an even better offer.