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Name: William Rivers Pitt
Gender: Male
Hometown: Boston
Member since: 2001
Number of posts: 58,179

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The 12 Steps of Donald Trump Addiction

Talking to my mom about Trump today, and she's convinced he won't make it to November. "Health problems, they'll say," she said. "Addiction," I replied because I think he's a speed freak. "He's addicted to himself," she said.

... which led to a probably deplorable riff on Alcoholics Anonymous:

Donald Trump Anonymous. "Hi, my name is Donald and I'm addicted to me."

"Hi Donald!"

The DTA 12 Steps:

We admitted we were powerless over being an asshole.

Came to believe that no greater Power exists, because we are that greater power.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Ourselves as we understood Us.

Refused to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of how it's gonna be great, believe me.

Were entirely ready to have all these defects of character stay right where they are.

Humbly asked Him to go fuck Himself.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and found them so we could fuck their shit up all over again.

Made direct contact with such people wherever possible, especially when to do so would injure them or others.

Fail to continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong never admit it.

Refuse to seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him. That shit's for douchebag Protestants and silly Catholics.

Having had no spiritual awakening whatsoever as the result of these steps, we swear to carry this message to Donald Trump Addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

(No offense to any brothers and sisters in AA intended)

to Bernie ...

My little daughter likes to make toasts. Today, as Bernie was giving his speech for Hillary, she said, "Daddy, let's toast!"

"Toast to what?" I asked.

"Bernie!" she replied as she held up her cup.

Damn straight, little sister.

Here's to you, Senator. None better, damn few as good.

"Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure."

-- George Edward Woodberry


Today is George W. Bush's 70th birthday. Offer your heartfelt well-wishes here.

Me first.


Dear Murdering Fuck:

I've spent so many long years shitting down your throat that anything I say today will be redundant to hall-of-mirrors proportions. What is there left to say? You're a liar, a thief, and a serial killer on a scale not seen on this good Earth in ages. Your very existence is an insult, and the fact that you've gotten to enjoy 70 years on the same planet as those you consigned to brutal death makes me pray to an afterlife I don't believe in that you will reap your true reward in a place where pain and punishment are measured in eons.

But no. You'll die someday in a comfortable bed with the best health care available, sure and certain that Jesus is waiting to welcome you. Me? I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire in front of me. You are a polyp in the colon of folly, you are brute greed personified, and if justice truly existed you would be in jail on this most auspicious of days.

Happy birthday, you blood-sodden killer of children. I hope you rot, and I hope it hurts. Blow out your candles and know that someday the bell will toll for thee, too. When that day comes, I will traverse fire, flood and mayhem for the opportunity to shit on your grave.

Very Sincerely Yours,

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