orleans
orleans's Journalask a mortician videos
are wonderful! they are funny & fascinating and, well, see for yourself...
http://www.youtube.com/user/OrderoftheGoodDeath/videos
episode one:
episode five
i just ran into these today. just wanted to share
sending you warm thoughts, tea and sympathy
i'm very sorry for your loss.
it doesn't matter how old they are
or how old we are
what matters is how much love we have for them
we never lose it.
love is the thread that holds us together
i found this yesterday, posted it in the bereavement forum, and am hoping this can give you a bit of comfort:
"Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together
is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without an effort,
without the ghost of a shadow upon it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near, just round the corner.
All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting
when we meet again!"
--Henry Scott Holland (1910)
"Death is nothing at all"
"Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together
is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without an effort,
without the ghost of a shadow upon it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near, just round the corner.
All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting
when we meet again!"
--Henry Scott Holland (1910)
Holland was an English clergyman who, in 1910, wrote a sermon following the death of King Edward VII entitled "Death the King of Terrors" which he delivered at St. Paul's Cathedral while the body of King Edward was lying in state at Westminster. The above excerpt has become known as "Death is nothing at all."
i heard this last night while watching an episode of the tv show Ghost Whisperer and decided to look it up. the last sentence really hits me. i guess the whole piece hits me and i wanted to share it with everyone who comes here.
forty years ago yesterday, on the fourth of july, my nana died. it was a life-altering event for me; she was my "other" mom and it was my first major loss. i used to think of her death on the 4th as her own independence day--which it probably was.
three days ago there were five incidents that occurred that reminded me of each of my five canine companions i have loved and lost. the final occurrence was a post here about someone who had lost their border collie. i told my daughter about it and said that the picture that was posted of the border collie looked like the twin of our dog. my daughter was skeptical (she thinks i exaggerate and sometimes i do) and wanted to see the photo. i showed her and she was shocked--even got a bit teary-eyed.
i asked her why--why was i given reminders of all of them, all within a day? it's never happened before. and she said "maybe they all just wanted to say hi and let you know they were thinking of you."
maybe so.
i remember wanting to be on the stage--actually just wanting to perform
then, 7th grade i did a monologue i wrote for drama class.
i had a lot of them in tears, including the teacher--it was wonderful!
i knew then that i was not only a very good actor--i was also a very good writer.
what happened to the guy who did this?
maybe a police report is in order along with a restraining order?
if things are so hand to mouth you need to figure a way around the situation. is there a possibility this guy will be back? if yes get the restraining order. if not then keep that in mind when you go to work.
you said he tried to attack you--what stopped him, or who? do you have that backup in place? can you get a backup for the future? did you stop him? is he banned from returning or coming into the building?
how prevalent is such an occurrence? what are the odds of it happening again?
thinking these things through might help you get through some of this until you can figure out an alternative.
sometimes, even in the most difficult of situations, we have to continue through them. i had to be at work less than 24 hours after my mom died. it was terrible and i had someone to help me but the following day, and the day after that, i had to work on my own. and then i got a weekend break. it was horrible. i wasn't able to get time off for over six weeks!
if you were guiding someone through the exact same situation you are experiencing, what would you tell them? put your skills to work on yourself.
and when you do maybe you'll be able to hold up/keep it together long enough to find and apply for a different job.
i'd be handing out different advice if you had the luxury of a financial support system. unfortunately not all of us are lucky enough to have that. you don't. neither do i.
don't let this experience break you. you're stronger than you think.
mine was a border collie mix and looked so much like your mike
they could have been twins.
mine was a girl, also a rescue and an absolute delight
everyone who met her loved her
and losing her was devastating (six weeks after i lost my mom)
a friend "surprised" me with another rescue dog six weeks after that. she was ten years old and i had her for three brief years. it's been a year now since i have been dogless -- it's been the longest time in my life since i was fifteen and acquired my first canine friend.
it's been a major adjustment (i'm still not over the loss of the last one--so i'm not in any emotional place to find another companion). her "nest" (crate) is still where it always was, and when i put the dishes away i find myself being careful not to step on an invisible water bowl from a place where it was over four years ago when we had our border collie.
much sympathy to both you and your parents. i'm glad mike was a part of your lives and family. i'm sure it was wonderful.
maybe a lot of this relationship was lost a long time ago?
"Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, spiritual, and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, and grief is the reaction to loss.
Grief is a natural response to loss. It is the emotional suffering one feels when something or someone the individual loves is taken away"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief
it seems you were/are angry with him (and resentful?) and that overrides and overshadows other feelings and emotions.
and because of his age i'm guessing there was some responsibility, stress, and pressure put on you to help him/watch over him/take care of him. ?
not everyone gets along, personalities clash, family dynamics get skewed. and we are all far from perfect. and i think that's when the idea of forgiveness comes into play--to forgive someone else for their indifference, inconsideration, imperfections, and unintentional cruelties. (and just because you forgive them doesn't make you instantly like them or care about them)
i suppose no one can grieve over someone when they do not consider their absence a loss.
i had a pretty good relationship with my dad but we would still get into some really stupid, loud fights. i remember him saying, in the middle of one of our fights, that i would miss him when he was gone. and i shouted back at him that of course i would miss him but i wouldn't miss these fucking fights!
and that turned out to be true. i never missed our fights/arguments. but i missed him and all the positive things he brought to my life. (unlike my mom where i continue to miss every aspect we shared--both good and bad, including the fights.)
i'm sorry you didn't have a better relationship with your father.
i'm sorry you missed out on having a positive relationship with him but plenty of people do not have positive relationships with their parents or other family members; you are certainly not alone when it comes to that.
in a way, you and i are in similar boats headed in the opposite direction.
while you said "It's just weird not to grieve when society on the whole expects you to do that" i could say about myself: "it's just weird not to get over it and move on when society on the whole expects you to do that."
and i think either way, whichever direction we're headed, it's okay.
i'm so sorry
"To Those I Love And Those Who Love Me
When I Am Gone, Release Me, Let Me Go
I Have Fulfilled My Duty Here You Know
You Must Not Tie Yourself To Me With Tears
Be Thankful For Our Many Years
I Gave To You My Love. You Can Only Guess
How Much You Gave To Me In Happiness
I Thank You For The Love You Each Have Shown
But Now It’s Time I Traveled On Alone
So Grieve Awhile For Me, If Grieve You Must,
Then Let Your Grief Be Comforted By Trust
It’s Only For A Time That We Must Part
So Bless The Memories Within Your heart
Though You Can’t See Or Touch Me, I’ll Be Near
And If You Listen With Your Heart, You’ll Hear
All My Love Around You From Morn Til Night,
I’ll Forever Have You In My Sight
And Then When You Must Come This Way Alone
I’ll Greet You With A Smile And Say
Welcome Home!"
--author unknown
more quotes
“There's a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality--there's mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.”
― Christopher Moore
“Love is an engraved invitation to grief.”
― Sunshine O'Donnell, Open Me
“Now something so sad has hold of us that the breath leaves and we can't even cry.”
― Charles Bukowski, You Get So Alone at Times That it Just Makes Sense
“I have lived with you and loved you, and now you are gone. Gone where I cannot follow, until I have finished all of my days.”
― Victoria Hanley, The Seer and the Sword
“Who wants to know that the person you love and need the most can just vanish forever”
― Jandy Nelson, The Sky is Everywhere
“You can't have real pain without real love. You can't feel grief and loss and hurt without real love. Love is the only way you can ever be really hurt deep down.”
― Katherine Applegate, Beach Blondes: June Dreams, July's Promise, August Magic
“...for you can grieve your heart out and in the end you are still where you were. All your grief hasn't changed a thing. What you have lost will not be returned to you. It will always be lost. You're only left with your scars to mark the void. All you can choose to do is go on or not.”
― Charles Frazier, Cold Mountain
“Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect the shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his shoes. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be "healing." A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral we wonder about failing to "get through it," rise to the occasion, exhibit the "strength" that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves the for the moment: will I be able to greet people, will I be able to leave the scene, will I be able even to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing that this will not be the issue. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief was we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself.”
― Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking
“We were talking the other evening about the phrases one uses when trying to comfort someone who is in distress. I told him that in English we sometimes say, 'I've been there.' This was unclear to him at first-I've been where? But I explained that deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific loacation, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope.
'So sadness is a place?' Giovanni asked.
'Sometimes people live there for years,' I said.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
“I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they'll 'say something about it' or not. I hate if they do, and if they don't.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
“We bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world--the company of those who have known suffering.”
― Helen Keller
“Ten years, she's dead, and I still find myself some mornings reaching for the phone to call her. She could no more be gone than gravity or the moon.”
― Mary Karr, Lit
“Could you visit me in dreams? That would cheer me.
Sweet to see friends in the night, however short the time.”
― Anne Carson, Grief Lessons: Four Plays
“The numbness of his loss had passed, and the pain would hit me out of nowhere, doubling me over, racking my body with sobs. Where are you? I would cry out in my mind. Where have you gone? Of course, there was never any answer.”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games
“Sometimes, there was no getting over it. Sometimes, you lived with the empty place inside of you until you imploded on it, loss as singularity, or until the empty place expanded and hollowed out the rest of you so thoroughly you became the walking dead, a ghost in your own life.”
― Caitlin Kittredge, Bone Gods
to page 20 on goodreads
"Your Life After Their Death" and 10 common signs a loved one is communicating with you
ran across this website, and this new book.
i haven't read it yet but i plan to
snip:
“Your Life After Their Death is truly an inspirational book that offers comfort and peace to those who were left behind by their loved ones. It also offers practical exercises that will assist you in your journey back to a life filled with hope.”
— Anita Moorjani, author of Dying to Be Me
In Your Life After Their Death, psychic medium Karen Noé shows you how to move on and enjoy life again after you’ve lost a loved one. As she often states, “Your deceased loved ones are okay and want you to be okay, too!”
snip:
"She also shows you how to maintain your connection with your loved ones—and even your pets!—who have passed away. You’ll learn how to communicate with them and recognize “without a doubt” signs from them, as well as how to connect with a reputable psychic medium. "
http://www.throughtheeyesofanother.com/booksummary
the ten common signs pertain to:
animals, objects, smells, music, dreams, numbers, sense of peace, thoughts, electricity, and ??? ear buzzing?
http://www.throughtheeyesofanother.com/articles/the-ten-most-common-signs-deceased-loved-ones-give-to-let-us-know-they-are-around.php
since my mom died i've experienced a tremendous amount of signs from the objects, smells, numbers, sense of peace, thoughts, electricity categories; quite a few animal signs, a lot of word signs (not on list--such as asking for a sign & getting it in the form of license plates), actually hearing her say my name one time. i'd have to think about the ear buzzing thing. i never made a connection with that.
anyway, the book sounds interesting. just an fyi
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