March 27, 2023

BREAKING NEWS: Trump to hold campaign event in the Swedish community of Harga

Fresh off a campaign rally in Waco, Texas on the 30th anniversary of the deadly standoff between federal authorities and members of the Branch Davidian cult near that city, the 2024 presidential campaign of Donald Trump has announced the location of its next campaign event. And unlike all previous Trump rallies, this event will be the first to take place overseas in Sweden.

The event is scheduled to take place in Harga, a small, rural commune located approximately four hours north of Stockholm, and was planned by Trump campaign staff at the suggestion and full encouragement of Harga village authorities. Most notably, rather than being confined to a single night’s festivities, the rally will actually run the course of a nine-day period in late June.

Campaign officials promise supporters will be treated to a spectacle like no other, as there will be no shortage of activities for attendees underneath the long Swedish summer’s sun.

“There will be things for Trump fans of all ages to see and do while in Harga,” a campaign spokesperson said. “Arts! Crafts! Music! Meat pies! Rune carvings! Group breeding sessions! And for our more senior crowd, cliff diving!”

One of the more ambitious events on the schedule will be an hours-long dance contest, where contestants will dance in a circle to an endless, incessant looping of singer-songwriter Natasha Owen’s campaign anthem, “Trump Won and You Know It!”

“The last person left dancing after all others have collapsed from sheer exhaustion will be awarded the prestigious title of ‘MAGA Queen,’” the spokesperson explained.

All Trump supporters planning to attend will be given complimentary sets of traditional garb worn by local Harga villagers—that being a simple white tunic and floral headdress—although a select few will be encouraged to come dressed in costume, such as a bear.

“The bear, of course, symbolizing the bearishly strong economy that will result when Donald Trump is returned to office,” the campaign spokesperson said.

The spokesperson was then reminded that the symbol for a strong, growing economy was actually a bull, not a bear.

“Whatever,” he replied. “I had a fifty-fifty shot, and I tried, so just cut me some slack, okay? I’m very new at this thing.”

The festival will conclude on the ninth day with a three-hour long speech by the candidate himself, set to the backdrop of a massive bonfire-type spectacle.

“President Trump will deliver a fiery message of hope to his supporters, where he will outline his new vision for America, explain policies he wishes to implement in his next term, and complain endlessly about the various legal investigations he sees himself being unfairly subjected to,” the spokesperson said. “But in all honesty, really just that last part.”

All in all, Trump campaign officials promise the Harga event will leave fans of the former President “screaming, with delight.”

“After supporters of Donald Trump arrive in Harga, I promise you, they will never leave,” the spokesperson was quoted as saying.

“Want to leave,” he very quickly corrected himself. “They will never *want* to leave.”

DETAILS AT ELEVEN.

March 22, 2023

With apologies to Afroman: "Because They Got Woke: A Right-Wingers Lament"

That bank lost all that money
Because they got woke
My school won't give me a diploma
Because they got woke
They took Dilbert Man's cartoon away
Just because he spoke

'Cause they got woke
Because they got woke
Because they got woke

Ukraine got invaded by Russia
Because they got woke
Trump's under investigation
Because they got woke
I had to pay a dollar more today
For my burger and Coke

'Cause they got woke
Because they got woke
Because they got woke

M&Ms aren't wearing boots now
Because they got woke
Biden's ordering the same food as his wife now
Because they got woke
I just got arrested for the Insurrection
And now I'm broke

'Cause they got woke
Because they got woke
Because they got woke

March 21, 2023

A word of caution to both Trumpists and members of the Wet Blanket Brigade...

...if there is in fact no indictment announced of Donald Trump today--March 21, 2023--as Trump himself claimed there would be.

Trumpists might somehow take the opportunity to rub it in our faces, claiming--without evidence--that the expected indictments never panned out, and that their hero has once again emerged victorious over his persecutors.

Meanwhile, the contingent of ever-pessimistic people on the left (i.e. the Wet Blanket Brigade) might take the lack of indictment news today as just one more kick to the groin, one more Lucy-pulls-the-football-away moment, and rue in an Eeyore voice, "Looks like it's Fitzmas all over again."

Let's not forget just a little over a year ago in Winter 2022, when US and NATO intelligence saw evidence of a massive buildup of Russian troops along the Ukrainian border, and believed there was substantial evidence of an imminent full-scale invasion of Ukraine by Russia (beyond the ongoing proxy conflict it had been waging in Eastern Ukraine since 2014). It was believed that the invasion would most likely take place after the close of the 2022 Winter Olympics in Beijing.

The Olympics ended on February 20, 2022; there was no full-scale invasion by Russia on that day.

Nor was there any full scale invasion by Russia on February 21, 2022.

By that point, certain pseudo-leftists on Twitter (e.g., Michael Tracey, Aaron Mate, Glenn Greenwald, Matt Taibbi, etc.) began to laugh and crow, claiming there was never going to be any invasion of Ukraine by Russia and it was all just fear-mongering on the part of the US and the West, who just wanted nothing more than to impose their will and influence in that part of the world to the detriment of poor Russia.

And they continued to laugh and crow, for three more days...until February 24, 2022, when Russia began a massive, full-frontal invasion of Ukraine.

Bottom line is that it's foolish to get hung up on any one tree when you fail to realize you're in the middle of the forest.

March 20, 2023

BREAKING NEWS: Rapidly running out of options, Trump asks Mike Pence to be indicted in his place

As signs continue to indicate that former President Donald Trump may soon be indicted by a Manhattan grand jury for charges stemming from illegal campaign payments, the former President has resorted to a rather unconventional tactic which he hopes may result in him avoiding criminal charges.

Specifically, Trump has reported reached out to his former Vice President, Mike Pence, and asked that Pence agree to be indicted on all charges in place of Trump.

The former President laid out his unusual request during a recent interview with conservative news network One America News.

“Our country right now is going through trouble like has never been seen before,” Trump said. “It’s unfair, totally unfair to me, but even more importantly, it’s unfair to all of you, and by you, I mean you, the American people. It’s something that frankly should have never happened, and would have never happened if Mike Pence would have simply done the right thing and refused to certify the fraudulent and phony 2020 election results.”

“It’s all Mike Pence’s fault, sadly,” the former President continued. “And because Mike lacked the courage to do that day what he knew what was right but did not do, now we have tens of thousands of loyal Americans who did nothing more than peacefully and patriotically make their voices heard on January 6th currently sitting in dungeons hundreds of miles beneath the surface of Washington DC, all chained to the wall and repeatedly subjected to session after session inside the dreaded Iron Maiden.”

“The Iron Maiden,” Trump attempted to explain. “Many people think it’s just a rock band, but as it turns out, it’s something much, much worse than that. It’s something that’s not very nice. And it’s someplace where George Soros and his racist little minions like Allen Bragg and Letitia Willis and the Unspecial Prosecutor Jack Black want to put me, your favorite President, inside of. The Iron Maiden.”

Trump framed his request to the former Vice President as a way to ultimately right what he views as being wronged by his perceived inactions on the day where hundreds of Trump supporters stormed the US Capitol, many of them shouting threats of violence towards Pence and other elected officials.

“Mike, only you and you alone can fix this,” he said. “You can be the one who goes to that courthouse in Manhattan and say, ‘Take me! Take me instead of this innocent man who has done nothing more than love America like America has never been loved before!’”

Trump even went so far as to invoke Pence’s deeply proclaimed religious beliefs in order to encourage him to take the heat for any charges against him.

“Mike, do you recall the story of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ?” Trump asked. “Do you remember when Pilate offered to release Jesus, but the crowd refused and demanded they release Barnaby instead? Well, this is your chance, Mike. You get to be Barnaby in this story. Except this time, you get be the one who saves your savior. Our savior, the savior of America. Who is me.”

He further attempted to dissuade any fears that Pence might be in danger of conviction if he were to agree to be indicted in Trump’s stead.

“I mean, come on Mike, you’ll be fine,” Trump insisted. “Think about what they are so very falsely and so very wrongly accusing me of. Having sex with some woman, some porn star, some Horseface, who anyone knows I would never find attractive or ever want to have sex with unless I actually did or wanted to. Meanwhile, you’re a guy who refuses to even stand within 20 feet of any woman who isn’t your wife. Once they realize that, they won’t hold you for more than a second, I promise you.”

“Or no more than two to three years, tops,” he quickly added.

Meanwhile, Pence has not reportedly come to any final decision as to Trump’s request.

“The Vice President believes that the potential charges being levied against former President Trump, if in fact true, would represent an unforgivable breach of the public’s trust by the former President and that he should not be afforded any sort of special status or privilege under the law simply because he once held the highest office in the land,” a spokesperson for former Vice President Pence said. “The Vice President also believes that the authorities are subjecting former President Trump to an unfair witch hunt for no reason other than the fact he was once the President and that they really should spend their time and resources on other things instead of needlessly prosecuting him on a mere frivolity.”

The spokesperson continued on by saying Pence will come to a final decision after “praying” on it, and that he currently is in the process of consulting his peers as to what his ultimate course of action should be.

“The Vice President recently sought out former Vice President Quayle for his advice as to this extremely hard and difficult decision,” the spokesperson noted. “He is also seeking the input of several other very prominent Indianans, including basketball legend Larry Bird, Screen Actors Guild Award winning actor and Breaking Bad star Dean Norris, noted singer-songwriter John ‘Cougar’ Mellencamp, and comedian Mike Epps.”

DETAILS AT ELEVEN.

March 16, 2023

One day--most likely sometime in the next few weeks--there will be breaking news.

We don't know what exact day that will be. Or what time of day it will be.

It could be a matter of just a few days.

It might be a matter of a few weeks.

But I don't foresee it being much longer than that.

Where will this breaking news come from?

Most likely it will be New York.

But it could be out of Georgia.

It probably won't be from Washington, DC. At least not just yet.

When the news first breaks, it will be cryptic.

Maybe we'll first hear about it from a tweet from some reputable journalist.

Or maybe you'll hear about it on a "This just in..." announcement on one of the cable news networks.

It will be hard to believe for any of us when we first hear the news. Because it will be news that we've been waiting to hear for years, only to felt let down time after time, to the point where our cynicism has told us to expect perpetual disappointment.

But as source after source confirms the news, we will come to the realization that this time, it's different.

This time, it's actually real.

No let down this time. No bitter disappointment.

Those who said they expected this news will claim a sense of victory and vindication. Those who thought we'd never hear this news will happily admit they were wrong.

All of us, however, will rejoice. Be amazed. Be astonished. Question whether they are dreaming or now. Reach to the top shelf and find that fine spirit we've been saving for this particular day.

The news will spread rapidly, like wildfire. All over this website. All over the news channels. All over social media.

It will be all-consuming. It will be all we want to talk about.

Because it's been years in the making.

And that day is coming soon. Very soon.

We don't know exactly when, but it is definitely coming.

February 16, 2023

Two things I'll tell you all to do right now.

and

December 9, 2022

BREAKING NEWS: Ghost of Martin Van Buren apparates, demands to be re-instated as President

The ghost of Martin Van Buren, the 8th President of the United States who served a single term in office from 1837 to 1841 before losing re-election to William Henry Harrison, mysteriously appeared in a New York cemetery last night in order to raise new grievances that he alleges cost him a chance at a second term as President.

At approximately midnight at the Kinderhook Reformed Dutch Church Cemetery in Kinderhook, New York, a bright, glowing visage could be seen levitating high in midair above the obelisk-shaped monument where Van Buren was buried after his death in 1862. Van Buren’s undead apparition wore a dark colored waistcoat and trousers, with a bald head accompanied by his famed thick sideburns leaving no doubt that it was indeed the spirit of the former President.

“Denizens of the living!” the ghostly Van Buren announced. “I have awakened from my great mortal slumber in order to warn you of treachery and sabotage most foul, acts that now demand recompense through my immediate and unconditioned return to office! Though I shall forewarn you, such a response requires a suspension or termination of certain provisions of the Constitution and all accompanying laws, including laws concerning matters of elections, physics, gravity, time and space, and common sense.”

The basis for Van Buren’s claims centered around John Scott Harrison—the son of William Henry Harrison—and what Van Buren deemed to be “a wretched connivance of the Fourth Estate.”

“At some point during the course of my eternal rest, I found myself visited by a fellow spirit whose name I shall not divulge for the sake of his own privacy,” Van Buren explained. “This kindly and very much deceased gentleman, a woodworker by trade from the State of Ohio, told me it was in October of 1840 that he had been commissioned to handle the refurbishment of a certain Davenport desk belonging to one John Scott Harrison, Major General Harrison’s fifth-born progeny.”

“At first, the task appeared to be quite banal and unremarkable to this tradesman,” Van Buren continued. “That was until he happened to open the desktop compartment of the younger Harrison’s desk. It was there that he found materials of a most shocking and prurient nature, namely self-etchings drawn by Mr. Harrison’s very own hand which revealed a grotesque and crude perversion of the mind and soul.”

But that was just the beginning of the story, the phantom Van Buren insisted.

“Quickly, the woodworker seized the etchings,” he said. “And by horseback he rapidly set out to the offices of the Cincinnati Herald Dispatch and Penny Press, an erstwhile but amply circulated publication of then-good repute. Upon arriving there, he demanded the immediate publication of these wretched etchings, for the public had a right to know that the entire Harrison name sat under a dark cloud of sin and deviance. And yet his insistence went unheeded by the editorial staff.”

Asked for comment, the ghost of Phillip Stuart Kensington—the then-publisher of the Cincinnati Herald Dispatch and Penny Press—defended his newspaper’s decision not to publish John Scott Harrison’s nude etchings.

“The Herald Dispatch and Penny Press is—was?—an institution representing the very highest standards of journalism,” Kensington said while floating above his rather modest gravesite in Cincinnati’s Pioneer Memorial Cemetery. “Such scandal and sensationalism might be sufficient for those plebian hoi polloi readers of the Cincinnati Manufacturers and Farmers Journal, but never for us.”

Van Buren, however, insisted that the story was newsworthy.

“John Scott Harrison’s desktop is real!” he exclaimed.

The Eighth President remained fast to the belief that had the Herald Dispatch and Penny Press published the etchings, it could have had altered the course of the 1840 election, which he lost to the elder Harrison by less than 200,000 votes.

“Clearly if they had been given the chance, our vast electorate of property-owning males of the white race would have taken a great interest in learning of the moral turpitude that has befallen the Harrison family,” Van Buren said. “But tragically, such truth has been silenced! Thus, we have all been banished to the shadows!”

And what sort of redress was the posthumous Van Buren seeking? Nothing short of a full and immediate return to office.

“Like Emperor Napoleon’s return from exile at Grenoble, my immortal ghastly soul shall triumphantly descend on Washington to once again serve as your Eighth President,” Van Buren proclaimed. “Or Forty-Seventh. Frankly, the matter of numeration is but a trifle.”

Once back in office, the ghost of Martin Van Buren says he intends to pick up right where he left off.

“I shall concern myself strictly with the matters of most importance to the citizenry,” Van Buren said. “Namely, I shall see to it that the ongoing conflict with the native savages in the Ever Glades of the Florida Territory is properly resolved to fruition. I shall remain steadfastly opposed to the admission of the Republic of Texas into the Union, negotiate a proper peace with Queen Victoria of Great Britain ensuring their dominion over the Canadian territories, and sufficiently placate the quibbles of Southern plantation owners in the hopes of avoiding greater civil strife and discord amongst the people.”

DETAILS AT ELEVEN

November 8, 2022

A confession. This whole election has felt a bit...weird...for me.

Note off the top: I am not saying I feel in any way less motivated to want to see Democrats win, hold the majority in Congress, take Governors' races, etc. Nor have I been shy in advocating my support for Democratic candidates.

But there is something at what I can only assume is at a subconscious level that has me feeling, well, exhausted by it all.

Subliminally, I think the Trump years really did a number on me. Every single day for four years, I would wake up in this Kafkaesqe nightmare where we had an unhinged lunatic in control of the United States just betraying all norms of common decency. And I really, really just wanted it to end.

And then in November 2020, it did end. But just barely. And not enough to eliminate the continued peril to American democracy.

Which you might say under normal circumstances might act as an additional motivator for me. But I think due to the degree of the low-grade trauma of four years of Trump, I just felt like I needed a breather. And in a day and age where the next election cycle seems to begin the day the previous one ends, two years just felt like too short of a turn-around. Even knowing democracy was on the line. Even knowing Trump is out there, looming, and looking to run again.

Then there is the creeping realization that grotesque cretins like Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert will likely win re-election despite being affronts to humanity. There's the fact that I just voted for Charlie Crist and Val Demings--two candidates who I liked and vocally supported for--but set against the inherent power of the incumbency, it just seems like an uphill battle at best, a lost cause at worst. There's the sense I get that people expecting elections nationwide to be won over a single narrow issue is a folly, but if we were to openly frame it as to what's really the overall theme of what's at stake--the basic democratic backbone of the country as opposed to a backslide into cult-like authoritarianism--people would simply dismiss you as being alarmist or overwrought.

I'm sorry, guys. I'm not trying to sound pessimistic. Honestly.

Really, all of this is just me talking out loud to get it off my chest.

But I think as a coping mechanism, I have somehow adopted an "expect the worst, hope for the best" mindset to ground myself. I won't be staying up late in front of the TV screens, monitoring the results, waiting and anticipating victories for my candidates as I have in basically every previous election since I have come of voting age.

I probably won't even watch the news at all. There are plenty of shows on my DVR and streaming queues that I can watch until I'm tired enough to sleep. And I'll go to bed assuming when I wake up, I'll still be stuck with Ron Fucking DeSantis as my governor and having to deal with a new party in charge in one or both houses of Congress.

And I pray to God I'll be proven wrong tomorrow. And that tomorrow I can return to this post and laugh at myself, and invite you all to laugh at me.

But this whole election, on a very personal level, has felt very different and disconnected to me in ways I can't fully understand. Even in 2010 and 2014, the last two midterms where we got shellacked, I was absolutely hyped up to win, and completely thrown for a loop when we didn't. Maybe I should have seen the warning signs then. But I didn't want to.

This, on the other hand, just feels depressing. Like a gray cloud hanging over the horizon. And it's not for the fault of President Biden or the candidates or DU or Democrats in general. You all have been fine.

I think it's just the fact that Trump isn't actually there, but he's still very much there, and six years in with no clear respite in sight it's just taken a toll on my sunny optimism about this country and humanity in general.

Again, sorry to go on like this. There's no need to like this post, or comment on it if you don't want to. Really this was all me getting my frustrations off my chest.

And tomorrow, when I'm proven very wrong, please feel free to come back and laugh at me. Because I'll be right there with you.

November 3, 2022

BREAKING NEWS: Disillusioned Musk announces sale of Twitter to conservative personality Catturd

Just days after his $44 Billion purchase of social media giant Twitter was completed, billionaire businessman Elon Musk made a surprise announcement he was now selling the popular website. The sale was announced after a tumultuous week where Musk fired the entire corporate board, floated a system where people would pay $8 for a verified account, and the site was reportedly inundated by purveyors of hate speech and conspiracy theories soon after his takeover took place.

And the purchaser of Twitter? Its very own far-right provocateur poster who goes by the screen name “Catturd.”

“After some long soul searching and hard contemplation, I have decided to sell my entire share of control in Twitter to Catturd, as unfortunately my leadership has failed to meet his stated demands of stopping all shadow banning and purging of his followers,” Musk announced over his Twitter account. “Mr. Turd has agreed to pay the requested purchase price in the amount of $83.17, along with two Circuit City gift cards of indeterminate value.”

Catturd—who is the digital alter ego of one Mr. Phillip L. Buchanan living in the small Florida panhandle town of Wewahitchka—has amassed nearly 1 million followers and his jabs at Democrats and liberals are frequently re-tweeted by popular conservative figures such as Ted Cruz and Marjorie Taylor Greene, as well as former President Donald Trump before his account was suspended in January 2021. Buchanan also frequently uses his account to peddle the sale of various Catturd merchandise and several of his self-published novels—all written under his Catturd moniker—including one where he crudely depicts New York Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez as a farting space alien.

Soon after Musk completed the sale, a press conference was announced in front of Catturd Manor in Wewahitchka featuring only a man in a suit wearing a mask of the Catturd mascot, that being a cartoonish glasses-wearing white cat.

“Elon Musk’s spirit may have been willing, but sadly his flesh was weak,” the man said through a heavily distorted voice modulator. “Only now, under the guided and glorious reign of Catturd, can Twitter truly ascend to its true Golden Era where its ultimate purpose can be achieved: shit-posting based memes and owning the libs once and for all! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

“Also, signed copies of my newest novel, ‘Hi, I’m Joe Biden and I Just Pooped My Pants,’ are available right over there,” the man quickly added. “$52 each, not including costs for shipping and handling.”

Long time users of Twitter were quick to spot some rather noticeable changes to the website that were implemented soon after Catturd took control.

For example, Catturd abandoned Musk’s plans to offer verified accounts for a $8 a month charge; instead, he announced that all existing verifications will be terminated and that all new verified accounts be offered exclusively to January 6th criminal defendants.

Additionally, much in the vein of the now-defunct social media site Myspace and its founder Tom Anderson, all Twitter users will automatically be followed by Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor-Greene. However, users will not be able to block Taylor-Greene or remove her from their followers list, and she has already pledged she will weigh in on each and every tweet posted by the user, regardless of whether they actual desire her input or not.

Catturd also announced that he was banning all media companies from Twitter and the sharing of any of their published pieces, with the stated exceptions of Breitbart News, The Gateway Pundit, and The Gosper County Mail-Post and Cattle Report, the latter of which being a bi-weekly publication out of Nebraska that he insisted “hit on all the real stories of national importance.”

In addition, a new Twitter feature was promoted, allowing users to send AI-generated insults directly to the Democratic politician of their choice at the mere click of a button; nearly all outcomes involved references to a variety of bodily functions and fluids.

Users would also be involuntarily subjected to the “Catturd Joke of the Day;” as of press time, those have included the following attempts at humor:

“Good Morning to everyone except Applesauce Brains Joe Biden!”

“Good Morning to everyone except Mashed Potato Head Joe Biden!”

“Good Morning to everyone except Oatmeal Brains Joe Biden!”

Finally, the Twitter algorithm was adjusted so that every third tweet on users’ feeds were advertisements for Catturd’s newest self-published release, “I Bet Hillary Clinton’s Armpits Smell So Bad, Right?”

While many prominent far-right conservatives on Twitter seemed quite pleased at the newest change in the site’s ownership, ironically there was one who was ultimately less than enthused: Catturd himself.

“Ever since I took over Twitter, I’ve been losing over 15,000 followers a day,” Catturd announced on his account. “Clearly some lib shadow-banning going on. And the idiots that run this site just let it all happen. So, if anyone’s interested, go ahead and name your price.”

DETAILS AT ELEVEN.

September 29, 2022

Putting aside the arguable lack of wisdom of building on a barrier island for just a moment...

...I still find it inexplicably sad seeing the catastrophic destruction following a hurricane, and the resulting loss of people's business and livelihood.

Here is some footage today from Fort Myers Beach which--without exaggeration--resembles the Ukrainian city of Mariupol following the recent Russian carpet bombing campaign of that town.

Around the 0:30 mark, you'll see a property where the only thing left standing is the foundation of a swimming pool.

Until yesterday, that was the Silver Sands Resort, a fully functioning and standing hotel:




And I'm sure over the years of its existence, there were many happy vacation memories for many people at places like Silver Sands, now completely destroyed over the course of a couple of hours.

Now, the silver lining I am assuming is that a community like Fort Myers Beach is that a lot of the residences are seasonal or vacation homes, and that hopefully most people who were living there at the time of Ian heeded evacuation orders well before the storm. Such was the case with Hurricane Michael and Mexico Beach near Panama City in 2018, which suffered similar near-total destruction but thankfully very little loss of life.

Of course, the greater discussion is whether building anything in these type of places so susceptible to nature's fury is anything but a fool's errand. And we'll have to have those discussions repeatedly in the future.

But for now, regardless of the greater implications, it's just very sad to see, and nothing more.