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BREAKING: Boehner, Cantor in Standoff with Capitol Police
SATIRE from http://www.TheDesperateBlogger.com
Unconfirmed reports indicate that Capitol police have called for a hostage negotiator to respond to an ongoing situation in the Capitol building in which House Speaker John Boehner and Majority Leader Eric Cantor have barricaded themselves in a conference room, demanding that they be joined there by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell along with President Obama and the Obama family dog Bo. Authorities have confirmed that the eight Republican House members appointed by the ‘Cincinnati Cinnamon Stick’ to the conference committee which he was expecting to negotiate the pending tax holiday legislation with Senate Democrats are with the Speaker and Majority Leader, but it is not certain if they are there voluntarily or have been taken hostage like the rest of the country.
The standoff began early this afternoon when Boehner returned to the Capitol shortly after extricating himself from the bus Sen. McConnell had just thrown him under. First he summoned Cantor and the others into the conference room, and shortly after all were assembled he and Cantor began contacting various press outlets and communicating their demands.
Newton Toomey, a Capitol police official familiar with the situation who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that as a precaution, authorities are acting based on the assumption that the top two ranking House Republicans are armed. Toomey also indicated there is a suspicion among many at the scene that ‘The Bronze Clod’ may be suffering from a condition he described as “tanning booth stroke” which might be impairing his judgment. “With him you can’t always tell,” he noted.
A spokesman for the families of the eight committee members told reporters that their loved ones remain confident they are safe and will remain so. “All of them have earnings putting them in the top 1-2% of Americans. The families are supremely confident that neither Mr. Boehner nor Mr. Cantor would ever do anything to harm anyone in their tax bracket, and they expect a peaceful resolution to the current situation as well as having much more time to spend with the current Representatives after the 2012 elections.”
December 22nd, 2011 | Tags: Eric Cantor, House Republicans, John Boehner, Payroll Tax Holiday | Category: Economy, Politics, Satire
Gingrich Introduces Jury Reform Plan
SATIRE from http://TheDesperateBlogger.com
GOP presidential front-runner Newt Gingrich today unveiled his plan to reform the nation’s juries, the second — and what he describes as “most crucial” — step to rein in what he views as our most troublesome branch of government.
The former House Speaker, acknowledging that bullying and browbeating so-called ‘activist judges’, “can only accomplish so much,” called for jurors — whose pay is taxpayer financed — “to be held to the highest possible standard or face severe consequences.”
When asked to elaborate, the erstwhile ethically challenged former GOP leader explained, “The judicial system is our only branch of government yet to be privatized — it remains fully funded by the public. While the Executive and Legislative branches both answer to private interests as well as, to some degree, the public at large, activist and renegade judges and juries are free to run wild secure in the knowledge that the average voter is too busy to monitor their activities. Unless and until private money finds its way into this third branch of government, the other two branches, I feel, can only be derelict in their duty to uphold the public trust unless they have the authority to more closely scrutinize and influence an otherwise independent judiciary and judicial system.”
Gingrich’s plan –which was immediately endorsed by both the American Medical Association and the insurance industry — calls for Congress to be given the authority to subpoena for testimony jurors who reach controversial or subversive verdicts. In criminal cases, jurors who vote to acquit ‘obviously guilty’ defendants may be forced to serve whatever sentence ‘a reasonable judge’ would have given the defendant. In addition, in cases involving national security, the President would have the authority to declare any juror voting to acquit a suspected terrorist an ‘enemy combatant’ and order their indefinite detention without trial or even charges being brought.
Additionally, any civil jury granting a medical malpractice award in excess of $250,000 would collectively be responsible for payment to the plaintiff of 10% of the excess award.
When asked by one reporter how he would respond to criticism that his plan might be perceived as putting undue pressure on jurors to be less partial than they might otherwise be out of fear that outsiders whose only knowledge of the facts involved in the case would be derived from media coverage, the pandering recovering philanderer responded, “Unlike the media, and for that matter the Democrat party, I know the American people. The American people are a good and proud people — proud of our country, proud of our democracy. Most Americans realize how lucky they are to live in a land where they have been taught since they were young impressionable children that is a privilege to serve on a jury — to have their lives disrupted in order to sit in judgment of a neighbor for 40 bucks a day — and they take that responsibility seriously. What I’m proposing would apply only to those traitorous, unpatriotic few who view our hallowed court rooms as a place to impose their own agenda on an unsuspecting populace.”
In related news, the Gingrich campaign today announced that it had scrapped plans to fly blimps bearing the likeness of the former Speaker over states holding primary elections and caucuses. According to a campaign staffer familiar with the situation, they were unable to find any available airships large enough to display Mr. Gingrich’s head.
December 19th, 2011 | Tags: Election 2012, G.O.P., judges, Newt Gingrich, Republican primary | Category: Political Humor, Politics, Satire
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