March 2, 2012

Romney Campaign Pivots to 'National Home State' Strategy

SATIRE

In a major shift which may come too late to impact next week’s ‘Super Tuesday’ primaries, Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney’s campaign today unveiled the latest strategy which they hope will help their candidate to better connect with the electorate. In addition, they also introduced the newest high-powered addition to their team, former McCain 2008 chief strategist and Woody Harrelson look-alike Steve Schmidt.

According to Pueblo State University political science professor Newton Toomey, the Romney team’s number one priority now must be to slow the momentum of former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum.

“Sen. Santorum is coming up behind Gov. Romney so quickly and seemingly so suddenly that it almost appears as if they’re playing the roles of a priest and a choirboy,” Toomey observed. “And after narrowly defeating the Senator in Michigan —

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March 2nd, 2012 | Tags: Campaign 2012, Michigan Primary, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Steve Schmidt, Super Tuesday | Category: Politics, Satire

February 29, 2012

Romney Calls for Deportation of Gays, Women Who Use Contraception

SATIRE from http://thedesperateblogger.com/2012/02/romney-calls-for-deportation-of-gays-women-who-use-contraception/

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In a move described by Republican strategists as "going all in" in his effort to grab the conservative mantle from his opponents, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney today took a hard-line position in the so-called "culture wars" by declaring that, as President, he would seek the deportation of openly gay individuals and women suspected of using contraception.

Facing possible defeat in his childhood home state of Michigan, Romney also used the occasion of this announcement to take a swipe at the fiscal history and credentials of his chief rival, Catholic conservative Rick Santorum. Santorum's gain in momentum in recent weeks has, in the view of most experts, made him a serious threat to come from behind and barrel right through the current front-runner.

"While Senator Santorum's views on gay rights and contraception are well documented, so too is his record when it comes to fiscal responsibility and pork-barrel spending in the form of earmarks," Romney told an enthusiastic gathering of supporters at a family get-together. "Under my plan, there would be little or no cost to the American taxpayers. On the other hand, I'll bet anyone here $10,000 that Mr. Santorum would propose incarcerating these offenders in brand-new maximum-security penitentiaries costing billions of dollars to build -- let alone the cost of staffing and maintaining them as well as paying to feed, clothe, and otherwise care for the inmates. On top of that I'll bet you another $10,000 that he would propose these penitentiaries be constructed in his home state of Pennsylvania. The country should expect nothing less from a Washington insider."

When asked to which country or countries he planned to deport offenders under the plan, Gov. Romney responded, "That will have to be determined at a later date -- but I can tell you that I would not favor deportation to Mexico since we still have a lot of family there."

While the White House had no immediate response to this potentially game changing policy shift by the candidate still considered to be President Obama's most likely opponent in the general election, senior staff member Newton Toomey, who spoke on condition of anonymity, commented, "Under Gov. Romney's new plan, I would envision the country emptying out pretty quickly. It would seem inevitable that once all the women who use contraception were deported, it would only be a matter of time before the vast majority of remaining citizens would find they had limited options other than turning to homosexuality."

In other news, shares in Scallion Enterprises, the holding company that owns journalistic stalwart "The Onion" tumbled 42% in early morning trading after reporting an unexpected loss for the quarter ended December 31, 2011. According to Lehman Brothers industry analyst Grant Cartman, "The drop-off in expected revenue can be attributed to elevated expectations due to the Presidential election cycle which were dashed by a GOP Presidential field comprised of candidates so ridiculous as to render satire impossible, or at best, moot."

Tags: contraception culture wars, elction, G.O.P., Gay Rights, Michigan Primary, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum | Category: Political Humor, Politics, Satire

February 25, 2012

Syria’s Assad to Step Down, Launch Belated GOP Bid

SATIRE from http://www.thedesperateblogger.com/

In a stunning move that rocked the political world from Nome to Homs, Bashar al-Assad announced earlier today that he will be stepping down as President of Syria and will immediately focus his full attention on his pursuit of the Republican Party’s nomination for President of the United States. According to aides, he has also already resigned from the Baath party and will register as a Republican as early as Monday, presumably in La Jolla California where he owns a residence which is currently undergoing an expansion.

Due to a diplomatic technicality, Assad, whose mother unexpectedly went into labor and gave birth to him during a function at the U.S. Embassy in Damascus, is eligible to hold the office of United States President since the embassy grounds are recognized as American soil and he is therefore a ‘natural born’ U.S. citizen. Also, according to Hafez al-Fi-Slammaj Amma, a member of his personal staff who spoke on condition of anonymity due to the sensitive nature of the topic, “According to longtime members of the presidential security detail, President Assad coincidentally was also conceived at a U.S. Embassy function – so any obstructionist who might invoke the ‘where his life began’ argument would be barking up the wrong bush, as I believe the expression goes.”

And even before the first reports of a possible cessation of the artillery fire striking the city of Homs came in, Assad was already busy lobbing mortars at the four current GOP contenders.

Referring to his new rivals as “the Marx Brothers” and commenting that “not one of them has the remotest clue of what it takes to be a strong chief executive,” Assad told reporters that he is looking forward to his first contested campaign and expressed his belief that, “America is ready for an openly Muslim president.”

When asked for clarification of his ‘Marx Brothers’ reference, the Middle Eastern strongman who most observers believe will leap to GOP front-runner status as soon as the first polls including his name are released, explained, “Well, I think of Gingrich as Groucho just because the name seems to fit. Romney, of course, is Chico, as he is the son of a Mexican immigrant. Santorum I like to think of as Harpo because I believe he is a good and sincere man whose career would benefit greatly if he could only learn to maintain silence when the cameras are on. And Ron Paul, naturally, is Zeppo, because after following American news coverage of the campaign, it is only when I see Dr. Paul on stage with the others at the debates that I am reminded there is indeed a fourth candidate.”

According to most experts, although it is too late for Mr. Assad to get on the ballot in enough primaries and caucuses to secure the nomination before the convention this summer, there is a strong possibility that he could garner enough delegates to ensure that the convention is a contested one, and as one insider put it, “When Assad’s people and his opponents people get together in a back room somewhere, generally it is Assad’s people who leave standing.”

Assad is expected to have wide appeal among Republican primary voters because of, among other things, his commitment to a strong military and his fervent belief that life begins at conception and ends when one turns against their country. In addition, many in the party’s base are hopeful that as President, he would handle the so-called ‘Occupy Movement’ in much the same way he dealt with protesters in Syria, particularly those who occupied the city of Homs.

Shortly after Mr. Assad’s plans were announced, a spokesman for David and Charles Koch — the conservative billionaires who have already pledged $100 million to the Republican Party to help defeat President Obama — told reporters that the brothers were, “most intrigued at the prospect of an Assad candidacy.” The spokesman then added, “We believe that as running mates, President Assad would create what I would describe as an intriguing, ‘frothy’ sort of mix with someone like a Rick Santorum, for example.”

February 24th, 2012 | Tags: Bashar al-Assad, Campaign 2012, Election 2012, G.O.P., Homs, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Republican Party, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Syria | Category: Middle East, Politics, Satire, World News

February 11, 2012

GOP Hopefuls Release Partial Campaign Playlists

February 11th, 2012 http://www.TheDesperateBlogger.com

Scrambling to avoid being outflanked by the Obama campaign — which on Friday released a list of 29 songs to be played at the incumbent President’s campaign events — all four GOP presidential campaigns today released partial playlists along with promises to make their full soundtracks public by the end of the week.

The reasons for not having full playlists available immediately varied by campaign:

A spokesman for Ron Paul’s campaign said, “Musical preferences are deeply personal matter, and Dr. Paul feels very strongly that no individual should ever be forced to share his music with others. However, we also realize that when one aspires to the nation’s highest office it’s only natural that the people want to know what their President is listening to.”

The Santorum campaign, along with its partial list, issued a statement which read in part, “From his earliest memories as a child attending church, Sen. Santorum has felt a very deep and personal connection with certain songs that will always touch his heart. Which of those he chooses to share with his supporters on the campaign trail is a very important decision, and therefore only after careful contemplation and prayer for guidance from the Almighty will he compile and make public his final playlist.”

Callista Gingrich — hinting at a possible expanded role in her husband’s campaign following her earlier appearance at this week’s CPAC convention — took center stage on the music issue telling reporters, “Naming handful of songs off the top of our heads was easy enough, but to compile a full list requires careful deliberation. As soon as we are able to locate a working 8-track player and go through Newt’s extensive collection, we’ll make our final determinations.”

Newton Toomey, professor of political science at Pueblo State University and author of the book ‘Striking the Wrong Chord: The Impact of Campaign Music on a Disinterested Electorate’ who was recently retained by the Romney campaign as a music consultant told Fox News in an exclusive interview, “Gov. Romney has always had strong feelings and opinions when it comes to music. He does, however, understand that there are many subtle nuances to this issue and has chosen, at this time, to keep his options open. We expect, later this week, to release a full playlist that has been carefully considered and has his full support, but which he retains the right to alter as changing circumstances may require.”

The following are the partial playlists released by the four campaigns:

Ron Paul campaign — Proud to Be an American -Lee Greenwood, Ring of Fire -Johnny Cash, The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down -The Band, The City of New Orleans -Arlo Guthrie, Won’t Back Down -Tom Petty, We’re Not Gonna Take It -Twisted Sister;

Newt Gingrich campaign — Proud to Be an American -Lee Greenwood, California Girls -The Beach Boys, I’m No Angel -Gregg Allman, The Wanderer -Dion, Me and Mrs. Jones -Billy Paul, Tempted -Squeeze;

Rick Santorum campaign — Proud to Be an American -Lee Greenwood, You Light up My Life -Debbie Boone, The Lord’s Prayer -Sister Janet Mead, Over the Rainbow -Judy Garland, Born This Way -Lady Gaga, It’s Raining Men -The Weather Girls;

Mitt Romney campaign — Proud to Be an American -Lee Greenwood, The Ballad of the Green Berets –SSgt. Barry Sadler, The Way We Were -Barbra Streisand, Ain’t That a Kick in the Head -Dean Martin, Blue Suede Shoes -Pat Boone, Danke Schoen -Wayne Newton, Tiny Bubbles -Don Ho.


February 11th, 2012 | Tags: Campaign 2012, G.O.P., Mitt Romney, music, Newt Gingrich, playlist, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul | Category: Politics, Satire