June 13, 2014

The World Is Coming to A Middle!!!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, I have dire news: The Middle is Nigh. Repeat: The Middle is Nigh.

The signs are all around us. Most have heard of the Book of Revelations in the Bible, but there is a less-well-known prophetic Scripture called the Book of Reasonable Occurrences that foretells the Coming of the Middletimes:

And lo, I beheld the Four Pedestrians of the Ad-hoc-alypse. Upon the waist of the First Pedestrian was a golden fanny-pack emblazoned with the chilling words "Stagnant Economic Growth Coupled with Signs of Improvement in Some Sectors."

Upon the brow of the Second Pedestrian was tattooed the words "Greatly Improved Prosperity Among the Masses of the World While Some Previously Wealthy Nations Become More Economically Polarized."

The Third Pedestrian did blow upon a horn, and carved into the horn were the words "General Global Peace and Stability Causing the Relatively Few Instances of War to Appear More Shocking By Comparison With Typical Conditions."

The Fourth Pedestrian wore a black turtleneck sweater, and his voice did proclaim the final harbinger of the Middletimes: "Social Media Causing Some Level of Societal Dislocation Balanced Out By Greater Opportunities for Personal, Political, and Career-oriented Engagement."

The signs are clear: The Middle of The World is upon us! The Time of Difficult But Surmountable Challenges Coupled with New Opportunities and Capabilities is at hand.

I personally have received a Vision from God on what must now be done, and am Chosen to deliver his most solemn and mystical message unto you. Said the Lord unto me: "Thou must engage-est in reasonable dialogue and undertaketh a course of sensible planning over a moderate timeframe to achieve logical objectives. If thou hast any questions, comments, or reactions, please sendeth them via Twitter."

It will not be easy, but it will not be terribly hard either. Our faith will be tested, although the test will be graded on a curve and extra credit points will be assigned for effort and creativity, the Lord assures us.

Jesus, now halfway between First and Second Comings, will send an Instagram Update on his progress that will not bring any sinners to their knees, but may inspire meaningful reflections among a statistically significant part of the population.

The Mighty shall become awkward and inconsistent.

The Meek shall become Average and develop more advanced life-skills.

Issues shall be Mitigated to a Modest Degree.

So Sayeth The Lord. Amen.