TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalWe're All Trapped with this Maniac, and Matt Lauer Just Locked the Door (Ferret/ShowerCap)
A Category 5 shitstorm hit the United States today, leaving millions of Americans without access to decency. Recovery efforts are expected to take years. Ideally three or less.
As always, links version available on my lil' site: http://showercapblog.com/trapped-office-maniac-matt-lauer-just-locked-door/
The Marmalade Shartcannon woke up on the wrong side of the piss-coated mattress today, didn't he? Apparently worried about losing the fealty of the Sloppiest Meth Addict in the Klan lodge, he decided to use the bully pulpit to spread some horrifically bigoted propaganda from a group of British Nazis.
Like, seriously fucked up white supremacist shitsacks. People who keep getting thrown in jail for violence. Giving these monsters a megaphone is such a bad idea that even the poo-flinging morons at Infowars are like "Whoa there, slow down, buck-o!"
...the President is too nutty for Infowars. Sleep tight.
The British are, understandably, rather pissed, because boosting the profile of violent fascists JUST ISN'T CRICKET. Even the Dutch government chimed in, because one of the videos claiming to show a Muslim immigrant beating up a little Dutch boy on crutches was, y'know...not actually a video of that thing.
So yeah, alienating a couple of staunch allies, demonizing millions of people (and, in doing so, playing directly into ISIS' hands, I might add) but hey, David Duke sure seems happy! Anyway, we're bombing Amsterdam next Tuesday, so you better get your pot vacation in this weekend.
Propaganda Minister Sarah Huckabee Sanders proclaimed the Velveeta Urinal Cake's use of phony videos in service of incited religious to be "totally rad," and "tubular, even," before returning to her office to continue work on her musical adaptation of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, where Nurse Ratched is the protagonist.
Yeah, it's maybe not the best thing that the official White House position is "Making Shit Up is Kewl So Long as it Makes People Hate the People We Want Them to Hate." HOT TAKE, CAP.
Oh, and Shartboy also casually suggested that a critical media personality, Joe Scarborough, murdered an intern a few years ago.
And that little tidbit barely made a ripple. Shit, you won't even remember it happened by next Thursday. No, we'll have moved on to how he's forcing the government to buy heavily-marked-up crates of Trump Wine to send to Puerto Rico as disaster aid, or raping a parakeet, or something.
Oh, on the subject of Puerto Rico, it seems FEMA had $30 million in contracts with some no-name/no-experience company to distribute badly-needed tarps in the aftermath of Maria, but the company just...didn't. The Best People strike again!
Hey, remember when Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot screeched about how fake newsy CNN International is? Well, it sure hasn't taken long for the media in Egypt and Libya to hop on that bandwagon! Doesn't it just fill you up to the brim with patriotic pride when you see your President's words being weaponized by brutal dictators in the service of oppression? It's like watching a time-lapse video of a bald eagle being hollowed out by cancer.
We're seeing a bumper crop of The President Is Mentally Unwell No Really He's Completely Detached From Reality Seriously He Cray-Cray NO REALLY STOP HIM BEFORE HE BOMBS CLEVELAND, that's kind of a fun change from boring ol' politics-as-usual, huh?
It might not be so bad if he'd been a basically good guy before losing his mind, y'know? Like, if Obama snapped, maybe he'd wander around giving away free souvenir pens, or challenge LeBron to go one on one, but with the current guy, you wonder if he's gonna have anthrax dropped into the Mississippi River.
I guess some jag hilariously actually called "Lucian Wintrich," the Shart House correspondent for the tinfoil-and-bath-salts site Gateway Pundit, gave a little speech about how It's Ok to be White and Also Maybe Assault Some College Kids My Penis is Totally Normal-Sized and Lots of Girls Want to Touch It No Really I Swear.
Overripe Fascist Sebastian Gorka landed a gig with the Heritage Foundation, cementing the conservative movement's transition from "think tanks" to "padded rooms full of bellowing nincompoops."
Secretary of State/Bloviating Dumbfuck Rex Tillerson defended the sweeping, destructive, cuts he's making because he figures him n' Jared'll solve all the world's problems and then there won't be any more problems so why would we need a State Department, CHECKMATE LIBTARDS!
And the Accidental Poosquirt's FCC chair whined about Twitter allegedly discriminating against conservatives, because taking away a Nazi's precious blue checkmark is an assault on free speech, while curb-stomping net neutrality so a handful of rich dudes can decide what we peasants are allowed to see is Tom Jefferson's wettest dream.
Bashful Bob Mueller postponed some grand jury testimony relating to the investigation into Mike "The Turkish Delight" Flynn's tomfoolery, leading to speculation that the Russia probe needs to carve out extra time for Flynn to blubber and cry and beg for mercy.
Murderous Coal Baron Don Blankenship announced his candidacy for Joe Manchin's West Virginia Senate seat, because Raw Evil is so hot in Republican politics right now. In related news, the Ebola Virus will join the Republican primary field in the race to replace retiring Senator Jeff Flake.
CNN sez they'll be boycotting the Shart House Xmas party, undermining the President's long-simmering master plan to get Jake Tapper to sit in a chair on which a "whoopie cushion" had been pre-set, thus creating the appearance that Tapper had released a loud, undoubtedly smelly, fart.
Mitch McConnell and his caucus full of Koch Brothers Butlers moved closer to passing their You Pay More Taxes So Rich People Don't Have To "reform" bill. Now they're fucking around with the idea of booby-trapping their already-shitty legislation with automatic triggers that cut spending "if" their trickle-up economics sham somehow fails to supercharge the economy.
"If." Lord. What fools they take us for.
Shit, by the time they're done with this monstrosity, you'll have to leave a duplicate key to your front door with the nearest available billionaire, who will then have the right to wander around your place while you're at work, taking their pick of your stuff, even that awesome Kyle Schwarber bobblehead you got to the ballpark 2 hours early to get.
And then Sam Brownback, architect of Kansas' Let's Turn the Economy Into an Ayn Rand Theme Park "experiment" which failed so badly that public schools closed early because they couldn't afford to keep the lights on, showed up to say "Forget all that pesky real-world evidence! Everything went perfectly in Kansas! The unobtanium mines have reopened, and every single taxpayer is dating a supermodel!"
And the Senate GOP went, "GOOD ENOUGH FOR US," and high-fived themselves, even as Colorado sent out letters to CHIP recipients warning that funding will run out in two months because Republicans let it lapse. WINNING.
Anyway, it's a shit bill. The AARP hates it. More than two thousand faith leaders hate it. The American people hate it.
Sadly, about 52 eager little oligarch stooges seem rather enamored with it, so here we are.
Smallhands Magoo gave a little speech saying the tax bill would be bad for him, when it would actually save him and his creepy, devolved family around a billion dollars, but he peppered it with a little racism so everybody cheered.
But hey, the Christ Down Off the Cross Guy will believe him! Cult45 is nothing if not loyal! Right up to the moment their house gets foreclosed on because they started missing payments when Dad got sick from the unregulated toxins in the air at work, they'll beam, "Golly, that Donald Trump sure tells it like is!," perhaps managing one final, wheezed, "Lock...her...up." before expiring.
President Crotchvoid went on to identify "welfare reform" as his next priority, because Trumpism is an engine that runs on the fear and resentment of the shittiest white people around, and Donnie Two-Scoops needs to pick up speed before Mueller and co. get any closer.
Matt Lauer has been fired for being so pervy n' gross that he had a secret Lock the Office Door While I Whip Out My Junk button on his desk, which is...not the sort of button a decent fellow has on his desk.
In response, Geraldo Rivera is proposing all sorts of fun new rules regarding sexual harassment accusations in the news business, which he refers to as "flirty," like "hey, ladies, don't go to journalism school if you don't want wind up locked in a room with a pantsless dude waggling his dong atcha! That's reporting 101!" Geraldo's Rulz include a "Report within 5 years or it doesn't count" amendment, and a special, blanket exemption for the mustachioed.
ProPublica reports the Shart Administration is lookin' to give their Orb-Mates in Saudi Arabia some pipin' fresh nuclear technology, because an arms race is just what the Middle East needs to spice things up next season!
Here's some good gnus...a bunch of Drumpf Organization business have been subpoenaed to retain records in a big emoluments clause lawsuit. It'll be nice to see that bribery paper trail!
And I see Roy Moore co-wrote some creepy faux-Christian cult textbook that says women:
A) Shouldn't be allowed to run for office.
B) Probably shouldn't even get to vote.
C) Should be considered legal tender when used by their father to settle any outstanding debts.
A daughter may be worth as much as two oxen, or even a threshing machine, depending on her youth and hotness.
Oh, and Little Donnie Dotard rage-tweeted at some poor woman with the misfortune of sharing a name with the British Prime Minister, because he not only has the temperament of a toddler, but the intellect to match.
What's this now? Your Jared Kushner already met with Mueller? Regarding Flynn? How very interesting...hope you enjoyed your time together, Jar-Jar, I don't imagine it's last time you'll be sitting on that particular hot seat.
...as you can see, we're in the midst of an American tragedy. Please donate to recovery efforts.
In Which Project Veritas Wins President Drumpf's Fake News Trophy
Hey there, folks. Remember the Obama administration? There'd be entire weeks where you wouldn't pay attention to the news at all, right? Oh sure, you'd notice out of the corner of your eye that Mitch McConnell was bellowing about something, and maybe Joe Biden let a swear slip out every now and then, but...it was quiet. Pleasant.
I sat down tonight to work up this post thinking it was kind of a slow news day. Maybe not even worth writing about. Heh. Standards...they change.
As usual, you can find tonight's post on my fancypants website, with all the shiny links and such, at: http://showercapblog.com/project-veritas-wins-president-drumpfs-fake-news-trophy/
Ok, Resisters, before we break down this latest Manic Monday, have you called your congressmonster regarding the New American Aristocracy Creation Act, excuse me, "tax reform bill" yet?
You gotta get on that before you read any further, campers. Civic Duty = Peas, Shower Cap = Dessert. I swear, I'll turn this blog around right now.
US Capitol Switchboard: (202) 224-3121
We can, and must kill this monstrosity. The CBO confirmed today that yes, this bill fucks the poor over hardcore, just so the uber-wealthy can go full Elizabeth-Banks-in-the-Hunger-Games. Families making under $40,000 annually will be forced to send their first-born to Chuckie Koch's estate to work as servants on fox hunts, probably. GET ON THE DAMN PHONE.
Did you call? Did you REALLY call? Let me see your phone, I'mma look at your call history.
...okay, you may read my juvenile poop jokes now.
So, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits started the day with a tweetantrum about how there should be a CONTEST between all the tv networks for who has the fakest nooz about his flawless, universally-admired, Presidency.
And ok, so the guy with nuclear codes talks like the dumbest kid in fourth grade, that's fun. Perhaps in the NAFTA negotiations, he'll try to classic "Countrypayingfortheborderwallsayswhat?" tactic.
Hey, look! The Mooch clawed out another eight seconds of fame! Seems Tony Ten-Days was supposed to speak at an event at his alma matter, but got booted for threatening to sue a kid who wrote an anti-Mooch op-ed in the school paper. That's a totally normal thing for a secure, successful, grown-ass man to do.
In about six years, Scaramucci'll wander the streets of D.C. like some modern-day Dickens tramp, accosting strangers who drift too close to him, begging, "Please sir...can I have some camera time?"
The Shart House ethics lawyer resigned today, perhaps because the day-to-day grind of rubbing his ass all over the Constitution of the United States of America for the benefit of a handful of petty crooks had become monotonous Who cares? Fuck that guy.
The Archbishop of Canterbury, who apparently exists in the real world, and not just in technicolor costume dramas, weighed in on Cult45, saying "What the FUCK, you guys? Jesus was super specific about lying and cheating and stealing, and if he didn't expressly address pussy-grabbing, it's because he figured NOBODY WAS FUCKING STUPID ENOUGH TO NEED TO BE TOLD NOT TO FUCKING DO THAT."
Well, Mick "The guy who jerks off to the galley slave scenes in BEN-HUR" Mulvaney tried taking charge of the CFPB today, as did Leandra "I actually want this agency to do the job it's supposed to" English. English filed a lawsuit aimed at preventing Micky from taking over, so the ongoing circus we call the executive branch just opened up yet another ring.
I like to imagine everyone's dividing up into factions, and somebody's working on a clever parody of some West Side Story lyrics, tailored to Consumer Protection shop talk, but that's probably just wishful thinking.
And Mike "The Turkish Delight" Flynn appears to have sent his lawyers to negotiate a "Please don't send me and my shitty kid to jail forever" plea arrangement with Bobadook Mueller's team, which at least explains President Shartcannon's increasingly unhinged tweeting. The noose...she tightens.
Boss Shart announced he won't go down to Alabama to campaign for serial child molester Roy Moore. Probably worried they'd end up competing for the same chicks at the skating rink.
Meanwhile, PedoRoy's opponent, Doug Jones (Who you've donated to already, right? NO? Open that wallet, Resister!) reminded the good folks of Alabama that the Ex-Judge is completely unfit to serve even without the sexual assault allegations. The Creepy Old Fucker is actually anti-preschool.
And Alabama's other Senator, Richard Shelby, announced he didn't vote for Moore, but wrote in the name of a "distinguished Republican" instead. Shelby initially refused to reveal the identity of his write-in, but after persistent badgering, eventually barked "It's Jon Voight, okay?!? His work in ANACONDA...has always moved me."
Moore finally drew a Republican write-in opponent, retired Marine Colonel/John Kelly aide Lee Busby. Congrats, Alabama, on your own personal Evan McMullin. Every vote you siphon off from the pedophile is a-ok with me, Lee.
The owners of the Trump International Hotel in Panama are all "Please God, let us scrape your shitty, Nazi-apologizing, pedophile-endorsing name off our building so that we can make money again!" Remember, Shart Garfunkel isn't an actual real estate developer anymore; he's in the branding business. He's too widely known as a crook to actually BUILD things now, he just slaps his name on things that other people build.
But now that name is a liability. Which is why it's coming off so many buildings. Hell, fees to be unassociated with the Drumpf brand will probably be Junior-n-Eric's chief revenue stream going forward.
So, we all know that Orange Julius Caesar isn't up to the job of "President of the United States." He's hopelessly overmatched...too stupid, too lazy, too selfish, too incurious...this is why he fails so fucking much.
Still, today, he faced a task he really ought to have been able to pull off. A gig roughly equivalent to the job description of "Walmart Greeter."
Just a little ceremony, honoring some legit, badass, American heroes. Navajo Code Talkers. Just read a few words, shake a couple hands, take some photos.
How could you fuck something like that up? Just...smile, nod, and don't say anything racist for six minutes. My fucking cat could manage that. But not the President. Nope, Draftdodger Don looks at these AMERICAN HEROES and goes, "You know what they'd like? An ETHNIC SLUR! Preferably directly in front of a portrait of famous bigot! Can I read a room, or can I read a room?"
Jesus Tittyfucking Christ.
And god love her, Sarah Sanders marched out, and sneered at the press "No, it wasn't an ethnic slur, YOUR FACE IS AN ETHNIC SLUR!" She is, if nothing else, happy in her work.
Getting back to our Commander-in-Chief's extraordinarily limited mental capacity, didja see the thing Rich Lowry posted today? Lowry wrote a column after the GOP's electoral taint-punting in Virginia a couple weeks back, about how Drumpf had become a weight around his party's neck, BUT the piece had the ego-handjobbing title "There is Only Trump," so Dumbass shot back a little signed thank-you note in the style of his pathetic "I do SO have normal-sized fingers" correspondence with Spy Magazine, back in the day.
Also, earlier today, James O'Keefe released a video of himself just wailing away on his own crotch with a pair of ball peen hammers.
Ok, not quite, but he might as well have.
Seems Jimmy dispatched one of his Project Dumbshit undercover clowns at some WaPo reporters, pretending to be a woman impregnated as a teenager by Roy Moore, in attempt to later jump out of a closet yelling "Surprise! The Washington Post doesn't vet their sources," only the Washington Post vetted their sources.
Yeah, they investigated the undercover clown's backstory (perhaps tipped off by the greasepaint makeup still lingering around her collar?), and even tracked her back to Jimbo's HQ. And they confronted her, and they recorded the confrontation, and then they published a whole article about this bumbling group of would-be spies, and how they are colossal stupid.
Anyway, Jimmy's frantically scrambling to recut whatever footage he has to make it come out "My name is Werner Brandes. My voice is my passport. Verify me." Good luck.
But hey, at least they can take comfort in swiftly winning that Fake Nooz trophy Dorito Mussolini offered earlier.
Anyway, that's just ONE FUCKING DAY, and of course there's stuff I missed. Team Rex lost a key administrative state deconstructer, and the Senate GOP is frantically scrambling to placate the various asshole constituencies they need to ram their tax bill (Did you call? You better have fucking called.) through.
And tomorrow will certainly dump its own fresh batch of shit on all our heads.
Can't wait.
Seb Gorka's Too Sexy For His Jordache Suede Vest and Other News (Ferret/ShowerCap!)
Hey everyone...as is the norm, you can check out the post on my shiny website, complete with links n' such:
http://showercapblog.com/gorka-is-too-sexy/
I must've left the Thanksgiving leftovers out overnight, right? They grew some sort of hallucinogenic mold, and the weekend's Pink Elephants on Parade insanity is just a figment of my imagination, right?
...right?
Well, I wanna dive right into the largest controversy facing the nation today: separate videos have surfaced of Malia Obama blowing smoke rings and kissing a boy and probably holding up a bank with the Symbionese Liberation Army.
Don't worry, America, the Daily Caller is ON IT.
The Candycorn Skidmark took to the Pneumatic Tweeting Machine to proclaim himself to be Time Magazine's Secret Canadian Girlfriend. Yeah, they asked him to be Guy With Totally Normal-Sized Fingers of the Year, or something, but he was busy...doing Canadian things, I guess.
Meanwhile, Time Magazine's over in the corner, doing the happiest dance imaginable, having briefly tricked the world into believing that Time Magazine is in any way relevant anymore.
There was some controversy regarding Sarah Huckabee Sanders and an allegedly forged chocolate pecan pie. Surly Spice took tremendous offense, of course. Sure, she'll lie about crime, about terrorism, about health care, about taxes, about Russia, shit, that woman would lie about the color of her blouse, but even the Minster of Indoctrination for our Dime Store Mussolini Wannabe honors the sacred code of pastry candor.
While the Uncredible Huck's pie may be real, the anti-net-neutrality commenters on the FCC website are NOT! (How's THAT for a transition?) Yes, it looks like bots threw up millions of "Hell to tha Yes We Want a Couple of Megarich Corporations Deciding Which Websites We're Allowed to Look At" comments, and for extra fun, the FCC won't cooperate in investigations into this fraud, because bots are people too, especially when they want the same things Republicans want.
We were treated to dueling pieces on young Jared Kushner's portfolio shrinking like Seb Gorka's already-barely-extant weenie* in a cold pool. In a couple weeks, Jared's "portfolio" will be reduced to overseeing a couple of interns he'll order to reenact scenes from Mad About You in his office while he gradually devolves into a gibbering mess awaiting Robert Mueller's inevitable indictments.
Didja see where Donnie Dotard thinks we have a literally invisible jet? Like, a jet airplane that flies around doing cool jet stuff, but nobody can see it, because it is FUCKING INVISIBLE. Gullible twit thinks we live in a comic book. Somebody could show him clips from Justice League, tell him it's satellite footage, and he'd be tweeting about how some Parademons are "very fine people" by the end of the day.
Princess Ivanka and Low-T Rex are slap-fighting over who gets to embarrass America on the world stage, it's just like a reality show! Except it's two comically incompetent buffoons and we have to live with the consequences of their reckless childishness either way. Fun.**
Speaking of Tilly, the Failing New York Times dropped a horrifying article detailing his transformation of the State Department into Steve Bannon's Diplomatic Deconstruction Demolition Derby.
Rex is like that shitty neighbor who borrows your shit and breaks it. Somebody tell Bizarro J.R. Ewing we're gonna want a State Department at some point in the future, so quit fucking it up.
And while we're on the Gray Lady, they treated us to a heartwarming profile of an aw-shucks-I-done-holocausted-the-neighbor's-dog Nazi next door. He likes Seinfeld while also wanting to put Jews into ovens, what a quirky contradiction! He is a lot like you and me, only he subscribes to a genocidal ideology, also here is his Pinterest page, he seems to have a thing for frogs, how cute!
(Also, pro tip: in the future, maybe don't link to the Etsy Swastika Armband shop, k?)
So, you know how Richard Cordray left the CFPB? And how Team Shart wants to make Mick "Your Credit Card Contract Should Make You the Bank's Legal Indentured Servant" Mulvaney the acting director?
Well, apparently the text of the bill that set up the CFPB in the first place (When I say "Dodd," you say "Frank!"
stipulates that the Deputy Director automatically becomes Acting Director in the event of a vacancy, and Cordray appointed a Deputy Director on his way out the door.
Soooo...I guess the Bureau will have two directors show up to work Monday morning? Will they passive-aggressively squabble over the radio station and the lunch order? Set up dueling Secret Santa programs? Thumb-wrestle for supremacy? Tune in next week, same Consumer Protection time, same Consumer Protection channel...
Word is, Government Cheese Goebbels has taken to floating, in private, the idea that the Access Hollywood/Pussygrabber/Such an Insecure Loser He's Trying to Impress a Tapeworm Like Billy Bush tape...is fake. We're at the corner of narcissistic dementia and Holy Balls I Really Can Get Away With Anything, aren't we?
And the Hairplug That Ate Decency attacked the free press again, because sometimes you just gotta play the hits. He says that Fux Nooz is the best, especially the Hannity Gives the President a Lapdance Propaganda Hour, but CNN is all fake news, especially the parts about the Russia investigation and Salma Hayek refusing to date him.
We can talk about how CNN International is the only free, open, media source many citizens of oppressive regimes worldwide have access to. We can also talk about how the President of the United States just gave the world's dictators a free pass to treat journalists, many of them American citizens, as enemies of the state, endangering journalists' lives. Indeed, Putin just signed a law designating such media organizations as "foreign agents," what a coinkydink!
Mostly, it's just fucking tragic that this blustering hemorrhoid doesn't think twice about the damage he's doing to the fundamental fabric of American democracy; he's just looking to get his own crooked ass off the hook. If he has to set the whole damn Constitution on fire to stay out of jail, he won't think twice about it.
General Michael Hayden says it best, I think.
Oh, and what does Il Douche propose as an alternative media outlet? Why, a white nationalist conspiracy site so looney you can hear the tinfoil crinkle as it loads.
And Littlefinger weighed in on the fast-approaching Alabama senate election, criticizing Doug "I prosecuted murderous Klansmen" Jones for being soft on crime, compared with Roy "I am literally a serial pedophile who was banned from the mall for hitting on high school girls" Moore. It's just ZANY what a rich guy will do when he has a multi-million-dollar tax cut on the line, ain't it?
As the legal bills start reaching into the millions, Team Shart has begun transferring the responsibility from their campaign coffers to a legal defense fund. Heh. Maybe that's how we'll get 'em, in the end...imagine Drumpf trying to write his shitty kid's treason defense off as a charitable deduction...bam! Multi-million-dollar tax fraud scheme.
A little late breaking news: Susan Sarandon is still a smug, self-righteous moron. Stop the fuckin' presses.
Alright, Resisters, that's all I got tonight. The cranberry sauce looks like it's fermented by now...I'm gonna try that Wizard of Oz/Dark Side of the Moon thing...
*Seriously. No secure human being would take this photo.
**Not actually fun.
Thanksgiving Eve Post, in Which the Ferret Coins the Phrase "GOPeen!" Sorry.
Well, Happy Thanksgiving, Resisters! This year I find myself shockingly appreciative for the absence of an initiated-by-a-pissing-contest-between-the-two-least-secure-men-on-the-planet nuclear war, so I'll give thanks for that, and for Special Counsel Bob Mueller and his team.
Anyway. As always, the full post with links is available on my site:
http://showercapblog.com/happy-thanksgiving-hope-lisa-murkowski-lets-you-have-another-one/
Let's get the madness out of the way so we can enjoy all the traditional thanksgiving foods, except maybe yams, which seem somehow sinister this year.
Naturally, Donnie Two-Scoops couldn't get through a simple turkey-pardoning ceremony without his pathetic obsession with his predecessor surfacing. He then retreated to the Oval Office, pulled out the portrait of Obama he keeps in the top drawer of his desk, and attempted to flog himself, but his tiny, tiny hands couldn't wrap around the flail.
The Shart's FCC chairman, Amit Pai, unveiled his plan to kick net neutrality in the junk, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money. I dunno. I think the problem's probably overblown a bit. When have corporations ever worked against the interests of their consumers? And why do crowbar-wielding Pinkertons turn up at my door every time I try accessing Consumer Reports now?
Moving over to the State Department...y'know what, let me just quote this in its entirety:
"A group of about a dozen U.S. State Department officials have taken the unusual step of formally accusing Secretary of State Rex Tillerson of violating a federal law designed to stop foreign militaries from enlisting child soldiers, according to internal documents reviewed by Reuters."
WHAT THE LIVING FUCK?!?!? Look, I know that, despite our fantasies regarding our nation's goodness, the United States doesn't always wear the white hat, but surely we can do better than "Aw shucks, what're a few child soldiers between friends?" Right?
RIGHT?
Remember, Low-T Rex said he only took the SoS job, which he is tragically unqualified for, because his wife said "God" wanted him to. You might wanna check in with this "God" fellah sometime, I don't think he's super into child soldiers.
Or maybe this is the same "God" that told Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum to run for the President, in which case you've confused "God" with an otherworldly prankster, some sort of cosmic Johnny Knoxville.
And Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet apparently wants to appoint a political hack with no experience to run the census, just another one of those things that would have been a front page scandal under any other President, but which barely registers at all in the eye of the shitstorm we endure every single motherfucking day now.
I guess Paul Manafort, and his shitty little sidekick, Rick Gates, have been granted conditional release from house arrest to attend Thanksgiving festivities. They have to tell the court where they're going, and they're not allowed to remove their ankle bracelets or drink booze. Plus they'll be accompanied by an FBI agent who kidney punches them every hour on the hour.
Ok, I made that last part part up. But a guy can dream, can't he?
In Potentially Really Awful News, Alaska's Lisa Murkowski, a key vote in sinking the Pleb-Slaughtering Drumpfcare bill a few weeks back, wrote an op-ed expressing support for repealing the ACA's individual mandate in the Republican tax "reform" bill.
That this would raise premiums for millions, steal insurance from millions more, and politically annihilate the GOP in 2018 seems lost on Senator Murkowski. Hey, if anybody reading this knows anybody in Alaska...for real, pester them to pester their Senator. Lives are on the line, folks.
Speaking of the tax bill, the Tax Policy Center says this conservative monstrosity could reduce charitable giving by between 12 and 20 billion dollars, just in 2018. Neat. We really are remaking the whole country in the image of our shitty grifter first family. Maybe we can carve out a deduction for purchasing paintings of yourself.
This whole Roy Moore thing is like an Adam Sandler movie; you sort of futilely hope it won't keep getting worse, but you know better.
So it wasn't much of a surprise when we heard from a police officer telling stories of being specifically assigned to keep Roy "I am a grown ass man in his thirties" Moore away from the cheerleaders at high school football games.
Hey, I don't want to pass judgment on anybody, but if you need YOUR OWN PERSONAL COP TO KEEP YOU FROM SEXUALLY HARASSING HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADERS, you should seriously think about locking yourself in the basement forever.
Now, one of Roy's "defenders" says the would-be Senator dated such girls because he was attracted to their "purity," which I sincerely thought would be the grossest part of today's post, but goddamn if another Republican didn't top it. More on that in a minute (I'm saying this so you can get yourself a barf bag before scrolling down further.)
Naturally President Pussygrabber came to Moore's defense. He said, of the surge in accusations of sexual assault, that "I'm very happy a lot of these things are coming out. I'm very happy it's being exposed," and that "Women are very special."
Except for the 9 women who accused Moore of sexual assault. And the 16 women that accused Trump himself of sexual assault. Those women aren't special, they are lying whores. Anyone who accuses Al Franken is special though. Basically, women are special if they accuse a a Democrat, but they're filthy Jezebels if they accuse anyone in a MAGA hat.
With the recent avalanche of sexual assault accusations against powerful men in fields ranging from politics to journalism to entertainment, there's this strange triumphal smugness from a certain corner of the right-wing Creeposphere, proclaiming vindication for the so-called "Pence Rule." If you've forgotten, this is Mikey Hairshirt's policy of refusing to ever be alone in a room with a woman. Some wingnuts claim this protects men from temptation, others say it's a proactive defense against false accusations of sexual assault.
And, hey, if refusing one-on-one meetings with women permanently cuts half the population off from access to the halls of power, so be it, right? Most hilarious are these neanderthals treating Pencey-Poo like some sort of Sexual Politics Visionary, and not a seriously revolting pervert who fears his own sexual impulses and who is almost certainly wearing a WWI-era gas mask and fucking a can of cranberry sauce as you read this.
I guess John Kelly is doing all he can to diminish young Jared Kushner's "portfolio," for the TOTAL CUCK REASON that he's a blistering idiot who doesn't know anything about anything. I dunno, General. If a red-blooded All-American boy who got rich by being a rich guy's son can't bring peace to the Middle East while simultaneously eliminating government waste and fixing the DC Comics cinematic universe, who can?
Just to season the injury with a little insult, Palestinian Authority chairman Mahmoud Abbas refused to take Jar-Jar's call, because we're past the point where anybody anywhere takes him seriously.
See where the government of the United States is selling Shartboy's shitty wine in national park gift shops? I tell ya, for a dude who lacks even a passing interest in any of the issues an American President should be dealing with, Don the Con has hella tight grift game.
What next? Sarah Huckabee Sanders schilling crappy, well-done, streaks from the briefing room podium? A mini-Trump University at the Citadel? Rupert Murdoch buys Vogue in a frantic attempt to make too-long neckties stylish?
An ethics complaint has been filed against Kellyanne Conway, who quite clearly violated the Hatch Act with her statements about Roy Moore and Doug Jones in recent days. Amongst the emoluments violations and the treason and the mass deportations and Jeff Sessions throwing every non-white person he comes across into a private prison, Hatch Act violations seem kinda quaint, but hey, they nailed Al Capone on tax evasion, right?
Senator Tom Carper told CNN interviewers about President Spit Bucket at a Napa Valley Orange Crush Tasting calling in to a tax meeting, and babbling like a moron until the participants faked a bad connection to get him off the phone so the grown-ups could keep talking. Some details were disputed, but it mostly seems to be a matter of how polite Gary Cohn was in dismissing the Rambling Toddler in Chief.
And the Drumpf Organization backed out of their partnership in their SoHo hotel, the latest massive humiliating business failure for the dude who was elected President allegedly for being such a good businessman. The Shart of the Deal strikes again.
NBC reports one of Mike Flynn's business partners is now being investigated by Bob Mueller and his team of investigators/lawyers/samurai warriors, serving as your casual reminder that, though it's seemingly been normalized, HOLY SHIT THE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED FUCKING STATES WAS AN UNREGISTERED FOREIGN AGENT, with all the access to classified intel that implies.
As for Shartleby the Scrivener himself, well, he Twitter-yelled at some black people some more, and then he went golfing. His staff admitted he was going golfing, but then pretended he was doing Fancy Important Things Instead of Golfing, but everybody fucking knows that he just went golfing.
Hey, before we close out this holiday post, how would you like a little GOPEEN?
Representative Joe Barton is happy to oblige! Joe apparently had himself a relationship with a woman he imagined would partake of the sight of his nude, snowman-shrieking-in-horror-as-it-melts-in-the-sun pasty ol' bod, and it would just make her goddamn day.
Anyway, it's now a gift Barton has shared with the whole world, so if you want to get all Roman with your Thanksgiving dinner, find yerself a vomitorium*, whip out your pocket-Barton on your phone to induce purging, and go back for that third slice of pecan pie!
(Ugh. While I was putting tonight's post together, I saw this Vanity Fair deep-dig into That One Time President Shartcannon Leaked Highly Classified Information to the Russians Right in the Oval Fucking Office. Remember that? Or is it one more detail lost in the daily bludgeoning?)
Well, that's all I've got for tonight. Enjoy your meals and your families and your friends, Resisters. Be sure to drink all that booze Paul Manafort can't have!
*Yes, I know the whole vomitorium thing isn't real. Let a man have his jokes, wouldja?
Little Trump Cultist, If Jesus Christ Got Down Off the Cross & Saw This Shit, He'd Take Up Meth
Hey everybody! Well, it's Joe Biden's birthday, and God celebrated by KILLING CHARLES MANSON.
Yeah, that's how crazy shit is these days. That's my OPENING PARAGRAPH.
Anyway. You know the drill. The version with links is available on my site, click here:
http://showercapblog.com/jesus-christ-got-off-cross-saw-shit/
See that WaPo article last night? The one about the whole Shart House staff existing in a state of perpetual dread, waiting for Bobadook Mueller to pop out from behind every corner, salivating at the opportunity to subpoena their very souls?
The best, most hilarious part is how Drumpf has allowed himself to be lulled into the comforting fantasy that he's not in any real trouble, and that the whole investigation will be over soon.
Heh. I dig that, actually. It'll be sweeter if he doesn't see it coming.
And while Shart Garfunkel's base shrinks, the true fanatics are loyal as ever. I'm sure you've seen the "Christ on the cross" guy by now, right? "If Jesus Christ got down off his cross, told me Trump owes Putin so much money that he spent his last vacation hanging wallpaper in the Kremlin, and then stomped on my nutsack for being such a gullible moron, I'd tell Jesus to lick my hairy bunghole!" or something.
We get it. It's a cult. Congrats on being such a good cultist, bro. Free will is for CUCKS.
Meanwhile, the Scrotumrot in Chief focused all the awesome might of the Presidential bully pulpit on a single American citizen, exercising his free speech rights, which is a normal thing all Presidents do.*
What's that? Why, yes, the target was indeed a black athlete, HOWEVER DID YOU GUESS? The Leader of the Free World has nothing better to do than suggest Marshawn Lynch lose his livelihood for the high crime of...kneeling, quietly, in protest.
Il Douche also went after Jeff Flake some more, which is, I shit you not, being used by his desperate, depraved, media defenders as "proof" that he isn't even a wee bit racist, cuz look, he's a dickbag to a white guy, too. FAIR N BALANCED!
Buzzfeed reports that, at a private dinner, NSA H.R. McMaster referred to President Weedigits as a "moron," and an "idiot," with the intelligence of a "kindergartner."
Wow. I guess the "H" in "H.R." stands for "HOT TAKE!"
Me, I'm unimpressed. C'mon, H.R., catch up to the rest of the world. When somebody leaks that you've called your boss a "turdbrained multiple rapist," or a "truck stop restroom in a too-long necktie, or "like if you slapped a cheap wig on a donkey's rectal tumor," then maybe you can come over some night and we can play Jenga.
And goddammit, Roy "Why Don'tcha Ditch Trigonometry Class So You Can Come Over and Shave My Back" Moore continues polluting my mind and my twitter feed.
Remember last week when Moore's If-Peter-Lorre Got Stung by a Whole Swarm of Bees lawyer sent his What If We Had Eleven Third Graders Fill Out a Mad Libs Version of a Cease and Desist letter to the Alabama Media Group?
Well, AMG shot back, "Come at me, Pedo-Bro! You are a shit lawyer and if your creepy-ass client wants to have his past dragged up in court, we will HOLD THE FUCKING DOOR OPEN FOR YA."
Similarly, when Sean Hannity oh-so-graciously invited one of Moore's accusers to appear on his Propaganda Hour/Traveling Jug Band Sho, her lawyer told Sean just precisely where he could stick his pedophile-apologizing, victim-blaming "invite."
Now it seems Roy first "noticed" even his wife when SHE was in high school, at a dance recital. I guess before Match.com, we had grown-ass men trolling high school dance shows. GROSS.
Kellyanne Conway, whose soul now visibly drains from her body during every televised appearance, popped by Fux n' Frenz to say "Hell with it, vote for the child molester, the President's taxes ain't gonna cut themselves!"
Kellyanne then belched up an acidic substance which dissolved the notes she'd brought with her, so she decided to wing the rest of the interview. "This is who we are now, Republicans! Pedophiles stealing the world for billionaires! LEAN INTO IT, MOTHERFUCKERS! BETTER TO REIGN IN HELL THAN SERVE IN HEAVEN!!!!!," she screeched, before disappearing in a brimstone cloud.
And of course, Mitch McConnell's moving heaven and earth in search of an Alabama Mulligan**, because Republicans should be given do-overs when they nominate such shitty candidates that they endanger the reddest seats in the Senate. Consequences are for libtards and libtards only.
But it's not just Moore, of course. Shit, y'all, do I need to devote an entire regular section to horrifying stories of men in power abusing women? "Here's Karen with the Male Vileness Report! Looks like we'll need an intermission today."
Should we start with the Oklahoma chair of Tangerine Id Amin's campaign, who pled guilty to child sex trafficking? Or the serial sexual abuser from Ohio who just resigned? He was a "rising star in evangelical politics," so Tony Perkins covered up his crimes, because FAMILY VALUES!
And then there's Charlie Rose. Jesus. Don't click the link if you're still digesting your dinner. For real.
There's even a new Al Franken accuser. C'mon Al, we need our guys to be better than this.
Some new meetings between Shart campaign honchos and foreign officials turned up, because it was a day ending in "y." Junior had himself a little chat with a PutinPal from the Russian banking sector. And Carter Page, Lord of All Hats, met with some Hungarians, but he's pretty sure they just talked about Game of Thrones and artisanal scalp polishes.
The Velveeta Urinal Cake designated North Korea as a "state sponsor of terrorism" today. North Korea retaliated by designating Trump a "bloated moron who looks like a hippopotamus' bridesmaid in his golf clothes."
Today in Schadenfreude, we learned that the Marmalade Shartcannon's hotel business is in the crapper (next to his decency and America's reputation), with prices slashed by as much as 63% since he took office. I guess "Nazi apologist" ain't the best pitch in the hospitality industry.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders just loooooooves pushing people around, doesn't she? Today she made the White House press corp play a little game where they said "something they're thankful for" before they were allowed to do their vital and constitutionally-protected job.
Isn't that CUTE? It would've been nice if all the reporters had answered "Robert Mueller," but at least somebody said "The 1st Amendment." Sarah's so thirsty for real fascism, all she really wants for Xmas is a concentration camp of her very own.
So the Justice Department is suing to stop the Time Warner/AT&T merger, which totally has nothing whatsoever to do with CNN keeping a spotlight on Donnie Two-Scoop's never-ending parade of bullshit, wink wink.
Now, the FCC changed the rules so that the Mercers can buy your town's radio station, tv station, and morning newspaper, and also install speakers in your dog's abdomen that broadcast Bill O'Reilly's album of Xmas standards 24/7, but CNN gets different treatment. Betcha don't feel so cocky about reporting the inauguration crowd size accurately NOW, do ya, Jake Tapper?
And I see Team Shart decided to kick out 59,000 Haitian refugees, who've been living in the USA since the 2010 earthquake. Once again, the 1st Theory of Trumpism holds true: these bastards are incapable of and uninterested in helping anyone, they only know how to hurt people.
On the flip side of that coin, Ten Cent Pol Pot's petty racism may be coming back to bite him in his pasty, mile-wide ass, as refugees from Puerto Rico flee the devastation the President refuses to address, resettling in crucial southern swing states, like Florida.
Wouldn't that be sweet justice, friends? If this petty bigot's reflexive racism realigned the American electorate in just such as a way as to bury his morally bankrupt ideology once and for all?
Let's work towards that day, Resisters. Less than one short year till we get to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS...I cannot wait.
*Who could forget the time Jimmy Carter beat up that 8th grader for giving a subpar report on the Camp David Accords?
**Heh. Sounds like an unusually unpleasant sex act, doesn't it?
The American Right: A Coalition of Whiny Nazis, Pedophile Apologists, and Lying Grifters (Ferret!)
Hey there Resisters! I've been away for a few days, putting up the holiday decorations in my nuclear bunker...shit still cray? I bet shit's still cray.
As always, the post'll make more sense with links, so check out my site:
http://showercapblog.com/american-right-coalition-moore-apologists-and-nazis/
Before we dive into the serious shit, let's allow ourselves a good, sturdy, chuckle at the expense of the Shitty, Whiny, Idiot Nazis of Twitter, (or, "SWINT"
. Yes, a number of white nationalist internet celebrities, like Richard Spencer, Laura Loomer and Jason Kessler (the Three Stooges of Dopey White Losers Who Believe Themselves to be Genetically Superior Despite Their Own Rather Comically Obvious Mediocrity) even with all their carefully managed plausible deniability games, lost their precious blue checkmarks, and Sweet Merciful Multiracial Lord, they are throwing some hilarious tantrums in response.
Twitter Racist Baked "Milkbath" Alaska got banned outright, probably due to his propensity for holocaust/oven jokes, and he did not take the news well. I say it a lot, but for a "master race," they sure do whinge a whole fuckin' lot.
Anyhow. Sorry "Baked," you don't get be a shitty internet hatemonger anymore. You'll just have to spend more time alone, talking to your mirror, trying to convince yourself the dead-eyed loser with ridiculous hipster hair staring back you is somehow racially superior to a stale Bit-O-Honey, let alone any actual human being.
Hey, you remember that one Drumpf judicial pick? The one who's never tried a case? And failed to disclose that he's married to one of the President's lawyers? And turned out to be a former, ahem, "paranormal investigator?" Remember how we joked about how he'd keep on generating increasingly absurd headlines, presumably until the sun goes out?
Yeah well, turns out the guy wrote some shit praising the good ol' days of the original Ku Klux Klan! Of course he did. By next Tuesday we're gonna find out this dude is actually several marmots in a trench coat.
So, Cowboy Ryan Zinke's being investigated for his Tom Price-esque waste of taxpayer cash on private jets with gold-plated bidets and robot stewardesses and whatnot, but there's a snag. The watchdog over at Interior says it's tough to even conduct their investigation cuz the Z-Man hasn't been keeping records, which I guess is a clever enough way to duck accountability.
So Richard Cordray stepped down as the head of the CFPB, prolly to run for governor of Ohio, and his replacement looks to be Mick "Consumer is Just a Fancy Name for Peasant" Mulvaney, so he'll probably be pushing for rules that allow payday lenders to repossess your grandma's kidneys if you're a day or two late on your payments. Welcome to Gilded Age 2: Debtors' Prison Boogaloo!
The NCAA Women's Basketball champs, the South Carolina Gamecocks, joined the ranks of "Visit the White House? Nope!" alongside the Golden State Warriors and Nobel laureates, because being photographed next to this particular President is a shameful thing and also I bet he smells like cheeseburger sweat and black market hair tonic.
World-Famous Child Molester/Senate Candidate Roy Moore won't debate Doug Jones, so he's leaning heavily on surrogates and supporters these days.
The Moore-heads (And I ain't talkin' about Agnes, AYOOOOOOOO) have gotten quite...creative in their "Vote for Pedo" defenses. One "pastor" claims "more women are sexual predators than men," because any degree of female autonomy feels like assault to the type of dude who never got over the whole "suffrage" thing.
Another apologist claims the dude who had a high school girl pulled out of trig class so he could hit on her is basically like a Fondling Father, which to my surprise, I totally agree with.
Wait, what? She said FOUNDING Father? Oh, well. That's fucking nuts.
Alabama Governor Kay Ivey says By Gum I Believe Roy Moore's Accusers! And that's a good thing to hear an elected Republican say!
But she also says By Gum I Will Vote For Moore Anyway Even Though I Just Said I Believe He Made Multiple Attempts to Rape Children Because Even if Roy Moore is a Child Rapist I Think He'll Vote for Supreme Court Justices I Like and suddenly you don't feel so good about Republican priorities.
Moore's finally paying a price in the polling, as it looks like even Alabama draws the line somewhere on the right side of "child molester." Me, I say don't get complacent, folks. Donate to Doug Jones, let's swing this seat!
For extra fun one of the pollsters found that Littlefinger has a lower approval rating in Alabama than...Obama. I dunno about y'all, but I laugh myself hoarse just thinking about that.
So the Keystone Pipeline leaked a couple hundred thousand gallons of oil in South Dakota this week, but hey, let's get that Keystone XL Pipeline approved, amiright? Fuck, let's skip ahead a few steps, let's do Keystone XXXL from Keystone for Big & Tall Oilmen, and they can run their pipelines straight through every drinking water supply in the Midwest, re-routing all sewage systems directly to Flint, Michigan, just to flaunt the naked, reckless, evil, greed of it all.
Well, the House passed their version of the Money is Just for People Who Already Have It tax "reform bill," so all eyes are on the Senate, where I guess Tom Cotton talked everybody into one last kamikaze assault on the ACA.
See where the tax bill saves The Shart Family Robinson around a billion bucks? That's neat. We're taxing grad school students so that Eric can finally get those platinum calf implants he's had his eye on.
No doubt the populist hordes will be so pleased with the deductions for private jets that they'll happily accept the tax increases on millions of families who earn less that 75 grand.
And Sherrod Brown and Orrin Hatch faced off in the inevitable battle of Dudes With Superfluous Rs in Their Names, because Orrin was spinning the old horseshit about trickle-down economics and Sherrod was all "Hey, that is horeshit you're spinning."
Personally I think the only way to settle this is TONIGHT! AT SURVIVOR SERIES! INSIDE A STEEL CAGE! I predict Senator Brown walks away with a THIRD "r."
Meanwhile, we learned that the Misshapen Traffic Cone has started paying his own legal bills relating to the Russia investigation, because he's a big rich boy who can pull up his own pants and everything.
If this sounds unusually non-grifty for Smallhands Magoo, don't jump to any conclusions. The move is designed to free up RNC money to pay for lawyers for all those aides and assistants who could roll over and send the entire flock of traitorous assclowns to jail.
Now that it's run by the depressingly authoritarian GOP, the FCC repealed an old-ass rule that prevented the media in your hometown from being dominated by a single rich jagoff with an agenda. So now the Mercers can hoover up newspapers as well as tv and radio stations in the same local market. In a couple of years they'll be able to Truman Show your whole fucking community! Sleep tight!
Do you know who's a naughty, naughty boy? Jared Kushner is a naughty, naughty boy! Young Jar-Jr seems to have told some fibs about whether or not he was in contact with WikiLeaks during the campain (Spoilerz, he was! I bet him n' Julian have a lot to talk about, actually...'bout what it's like being a skeevy, fish-eyed freak who makes people cross the street when they see you, for example.)
Anyway Kushner's done a little lying under oath, a little withholding of documents, your basic collusion/obstruction of justice cocktail.
We also found out about yet another Russian attempt to set up a "backdoor meeting" between Putin and Drumpf. This one wound up on Jared's desk, too, but dang if it didn't slip his mind! Too busy bringin' peace to the Middle East, I guess!
How's that going, by the way? Oh.
In a truly shocking bit of news, a high-ranking Drumpf administration official actually resigned once news of his misconduct came to light. "Reverend" Jamie Johnson had been "Director of the Center for Faith-Based & Neighborhood Partnerships at DHS," but it turned out the Partnerships were just for white folks, because Jamie is a super-racist hate beast, which explains how he got the gig in the first place.
If only we could get these standards to apply to Jeff "Too Racist For the 80's" Sessions and Stephen "The School Janitors Stole My Hair" Miller, we'd really be on to something.
Well, the Federalist Society held one of those Annual Gatherings of Rich White Dudes Where They Eat Sushi Off the Body of a Stripper and then Sacrifice Her to Their Dark Gods. It was extra fun this year, because we got to see the WACKIER side of some of the villainous traitors fucking up our nation, how fun!
Neal Gorsuch made a hilarious joke about the famous case where he voted in favor of a trucking company that fired an employee for abandoning his trailer rather than freezing to death, because the way the serfs cling to their silly little lives is so amusing, don't you find, Penelope? (Sips cognac)
But Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III was the headliner, with his quips about Russians! The lefty internet got a burr up their ass about this, to which I say, folks, don't let a malicious elfin goober like Sessions troll you. The law's catching up to him sooner rather than later. And he who laughs last...laughs at the disgraced Yokel of Treason as he's carted off in handcuffs.
Well, Al Franken did a bad thing, and we were all very disappointed in him. He apologized, and called for an investigation into himself, aaaaand...we'll have to see if that's good enough. Some think so. Some don't.
We can all agree, I think, that a dude with at least 16 on-the-record accusations of sexual assault, up to and including rape, probably shouldn't take a victory lap at Senator Franklin's difficulties, but, well, nobody's ever accused Shart Garfunkel of a surfeit of self-awareness.
Anyway, all his accusers are back in the headlines, so, nice work, genius. Truly the greatest political tactician of our time.
A Trump branded/managed property in Panama is all tangled up in Russian mafia money laundering, surprising nobody and marking about the 93rd time a member of this administration has been tied to international money laundering. Paul Manafort. Wilbur Ross. Jared. Makes you wonder if the other cabinet members feel awkward and inadequate at office parties when they have no money laundering stories of their own, like an out-of-work actor at an opening night party.
Some navy pilots drew a gigantic dong in the sky above Okanogan, WA. I'm writing this because, y'know, if this whole thing goes south, and the Doddering Dotard gets fucked up on an experimental hair growth serum and sends us into Dr. Strangelove territory, future historians can know that even as the world descended into gibbering, genocidal, madness, we still had enough hope and humanity to look skyward, and, upon finding an enormous wang skywritten there, enjoy a small chuckle.
So the top U.S. Nuclear Commander said he'd resist an illegal launch order from President Manbaby, and while it's not exactly comforting that we have to have these conversations in the first place, at least we can rest easier knowing he won't be able to nuke Rachel Maddow's house if she stumbles across any more of his tax returns.
Also it seems Ivanka decorates her Thanksgiving table with some sort of If H.P. Lovecraft Wrote The Nightmare Before Christmas monstrosity? I like to imagine the Princess sitting down with her translucent-skinned brothers and husband, jumping every time the phone rings, pawing through the gravy boat in search of a Mueller listening device, eventually sitting in stony silence, gazing blankly at the Macy's parade and waiting for the next shoe to drop.
With all the challenges facing our nation, both domestically and abroad, you'll be pleased to learn that your President remains laser focused on...insufficiently grateful black athletes!
Yeah, it seems LaVar Ball refused to lick the presidential butthole, so Boss Shart, with all the might his stubby little fingers could muster, rage-tweeted that he should have left a trio of American citizens, college kids, imprisoned in an oppressive foreign nation until they learned their place.
When you read shit like this, you understand why he's letting Americans suffer and die without access to electricity and clean water in Puerto Rico. After all, that one mayor not only criticized him, but did so...with brown skin!
Music publicist Rob Goldstone dished on the famous Trump Tower meeting, saying young Jar-Jar was SUPER pissed afterwards because he showed up wanting hot, steamy, collusion, but those prudish Russkies just wanted to talk about boring ol' Magnitsky sanctions, and cuddle for a bit, leaving his balls blue...er than usual.
Yeah, folks...the insanity's coming at us on hurricane-strength winds these days...but even after writing every one of the preceding paragraphs, I have to say the absolute craziest thing to happen over the last few days was...Carter Page's hat.
I just don't feel safe walking around in a world where a man like Page wears a hat like that.
Bernie Bernstein and the Pedophile of Azkaban, er, Alabama
Hiya everyone. You know the drill. Links version at:
http://showercapblog.com/bernie-bernstein-pedophile-azkaban-er-alabama/
Folks, I know I say it a lot, and perhaps the repetition has stripped the phrase of meaning, but...shit be cray.
How cray? I'll tell you. Some Yodeling Cracker Thumb called 'Blake Shelton' was declared the "sexiest man alive." Dadbod isn't THAT in, okay? If Blake Shelton walks into an Arby's, he is not the sexiest man in that one particular Arby's.
Hey, you remember that Alabama judicial nominee? The one who's never tried a case? And then turned out to be married to one of Orange Julius Caesar's lawyers? Well, it turns out that while he was busy not trying any cases, what he WAS doing was working as a "paranormal investigator."
Sooooo...undisclosed conflict of interest, no experience, and now a ghost chaser. Lifetime federal court appointment. At the rate this guy makes headlines, by Saturday we'll learn he spent the late 90's stalking Judge Reinhold, rifling through his trash cans in hopes of finding old underpants to sniff.
The Simpsons made a joke about Kellyanne Conway, and how she's like Goebbels. It's a pretty good joke, plus by posting about it, I get to link to my Kellyanne Conway page, which I am proud of.
Well, the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Ol' Beauregard, sat down to lie to Congress some more, in the House rather than the Senate this time, cuz Jefferson likes to spice things up! Don't you think it's weird how every time he testifies under oath, his memory has been jogged about whatever happens to have been revealed in the media since his last grilling, but nothing else? I think that's weird.
I dunno. I can't get too mad at Beau anymore. At this point, they're either gonna catch up to him or they're not; I don't imagine the penalties get much worse for lying under oath three times rather than just twice.
With all the unmasking of Gross Dudes with Power sexually harassing/abusing women, we're finally having long-overdue congressional hearings on the issue of sexual harassment in...congress. Hey, did you know that there's a secret slush fund that allows congressmen and their staff to pay off sexual harassment claims? That it allows the accused to remain anonymous? And that it's paid out more than $15 million since 1997? In TAXPAYER MONEY?
Cuz I didn't. We might just need to revisit that particular policy.
The Marmalade Shartcannon announced that, contrary to tradition, he won't be meeting with America's Nobel laureates, because the one thing he does well is avoid situations where he might encounter criticism. Instead, he'll sit down for an interview with the creator of the Trump That Bitch t-shirt, probably.
Shep Smith, from Fux Nooz, elegantly and concisely dismantled the big, dumb, totally phony, completely fabricated, born in the fever swamps of Breitbartistan, Uranium One conspiracy theory. It's really quite lovely to behold. Bookmark the page, so you can link to the video the next time you encounter some slobbering lunatic screeching about Hillary selling eleventy percent of America's uranium to blah blah blah blah blah.
On the other side of the "debate," you have Louie Gohmert and his flowchart, which looks like it was put together by an old roommate of the Unabomber who got kicked out for being "too freaky."
Already riverdancing from tightrope to knife's edge and back again in their frantic attempt to redistribute America's school supply money to the Kochs and Mercers, the GOP brain trust decided to take another pass at destroying Obamacare.
Bless their hearts, they just keep running into that electric fence. Only unlike velociraptors, they choose the same spot every single time.
Like, they started with a bill most people didn't really like, but which didn't have much of a spotlight on it, and said "Hey, let's do that thing where we try taking health care away from millions of people just to make super rich people richer BZZZZZZZZZT hey, ow, who electrified that fence?"
Well, we know how to beat these fucks on this particular field, because we've done it twice before. You know the drill, Resisters. Get on those phones. Melt the Capitol Hill switchboard. Drag these bastards.
Y'know, I'm starting to think Mitch LIKES humiliating losses. Maybe he's like, a legislative submissive, y'know? I bet he's got a dungeon where he makes the Majority Whip tie him up and literally whip him, screaming "Murkowski's a no! McCain demands regular order! Rand Paul demands a floor vote on an amendment to put his dad's face on the ten dollar bill!"
50 Shades of Yertle.
Oh, and don't miss this classic bit with Gary Cohn, where he can't get a room full of CEOs to play along with the facade that giant corporate tax cuts will ever "trickle down" to us serfs.
Lord, what a shitty bill. The corporate cuts are permanent, but if you happen to have the misfortune to be an actual flesh and blood human being? Yours are temporary. By the way, you may remember when House Republicans enacted a special rule that made it harder to raise taxes? Well, they had the Rules Committee waive that little rule, what with all the taxes they'll be raising.
Is Roy Moore STILL in the goddamn news? FUCK. I haven't kept a meal down in a week. I'm really looking forward to the day when I get to stop reading about that malevolent hick forcing himself on teenagers.
Of course a couple new accusers surfaced, surprising nobody. It's almost like "Judge" Roy is a SERIAL SEXUAL PREDATOR.
And we learned Moore and his shitty wife forged a phony letter of support from a bunch of Alabama pastors, many of whom are now angrily demanding to be removed from the "Hellz YES I'm Down with Child Molesters" list.
For extra fun, we get to spend more time with his creepy, jabbering attorney, Trenton Garmon. That's right, you have to learn Roy Moore's Extra-From-The-Hills-Have-Eyes scumbag lawyer's name.
Look at that guy! Looks like the kind of dude who sneaks into gas stations, licks all the hotdogs, puts 'em back on the rollers, and hangs out in the parking lot giggling like a maniac whenever somebody buys one.
So he grabs a crayon to craft a masterwork of an I Have No Fucking Idea What I'm Doing cease-and-desist letter, and goes on teevee like his one mission in life is to go, "Oh, you thought Jeff Sessions was racist? HOLD MY MINT JULEP."
Seriously, this guy's whole schtick seems to be strutting around like a braying jackass, telling everyone, "Yup, I'm this dumb AND this racist, and in Alabama, I get to be LAWYER!"
The long-awaited sequel to MISSISSIPPI BURNING, ALABAMA ROBOCALLING, hit theaters this week. Yeah, some good ol' boys set up a call purporting to be a sneaky Washington Post reporter offering cash payouts for dirt on poor put-upon Roy, going by the name of...I kid you not, "Bernie Bernstein."
One cannot but admire the deft subtlety of the Alabama Ratfuck.
Anyway, lots of outlets are posting about what a tough choice Drumpfy faces with Moore, because I guess denouncing child molestation is hard or something?
To explore the Great Man's Pathos, I have uncovered a passage from William Shakespeare's THE MOST LAMENTABLE TRAGEDIE OF DONALD TRUMP, his soliloquy upon learning of the Moore Dilemma:
TRUMP:
"Denounce Roy Moore," from all sides am I pressed,
"The President must lead," they hem and caw.
"The President must rather golf!" says he.
Mine Asia trip hath drained what little vigor
Remains to me once th'vile potion which doth
Maintain mine weird hair's growth hath claimed its toll.
For ten long days and nights did I my job!
As spring doth follow winter, thus must golf
Rejuvenate the field left bare and frozen
By that unyielding torment men call "work."
But 'ere I am to know golf's sweet embrace
Must I decide whether Moore shall know mine.
It seems his taste for teenage girls was so
Well-known to earn him life-time bans from malls.
That high school girls are hot I'll not deny,
Have I not leered at mine own pageant teens?
What of the fact that one was but fourteen?
Or that another claims attempted rape?
The libtards mew "consent" like fawning Cucks,
Grab what thou wilt; to stars all is permitted!
But can one fairly call Judge Moore a Star?
Mine own yuge light outshines his paltry candle.
To make this choice assaults my very sanity;
I'll not decide 'ere I consult Sean Hannity.
ANYWAY.
So the Misshapen Play-Doh Manatee returned home, and decided it would be really speshul and prezidenshul if he tweeted some condolences to the victims of the latest school shooting. And so he copied his tweet from the Sutherland Springs shooting, but he forgot to change the location, and just tweeted that out again.
Somehow, we're supposed to believe that the guy who fucks up a half-ass gesture like CUT-AND-PASTING MASS SHOOTING CONDOLENCES is simply too effortlessly compassionate to have POSSIBLY insulted a grieving Gold Star widow.
Got it.
Jared Kushner is getting sued again. If I made the gag about how this'll make it harder for him to bring peace to the Middle East one more time, will you pretend you've never heard it?
If you want some good gnus, I got yer good gnus. The blue wave continues to roll through America's special elections, as a Democrat picked up a state senate seat in blood-red Oklahoma last night! A female Democrat. In fact, a lesbian Democrat. Married to a black woman. In OKLAFUCKINGHOMA.
By 31 votes, folks. 31. We're gonna win a bunch of 'em like that next year, aren't we? Because all y'all are gonna VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, right?
Christopher Steele, of the famous dossier bearing his name, told reporters that said dossier is "70-90% accurate," which I take to mean that the precise number of the pee prostitutes is up in the air, and that some may have been male.
Also, the founder of Fusion GPS, which hired Steele in the first place, testified to the House Intelligence Committee that the sources in the dossier were not paid, because the best things in life are pee. Free. Dammit.
Secretary Mnuchin and his awful trophy wife thought it would be fun to take some prom pics with freshly-minted money, I guess because they never get tired of rubbing salt in the wounds of all the foreclosed-on homeowners who built Mnuchbag's fortune.
My theory on Louise is that she's trying to draw attention herself so that when the time comes to start making movies about this shitstorm, she'll seem like an interesting enough character to write into the script. Then she can lobby to play herself, restarting the failed Hollywood career that drove her into Steve's ever-oldening arms in the first place.
And Donnie Two-Scoops called a press conference, promising a major announcement, but really he just wanted to brag about how he conquered Asia and everybody loves him and hates Obama but the joke was on him because the only thing that wound up being newsworthy was the clip of him needing both of his little baby hands to drink from a tiny little bottle of water.
Donnie my boy, you looked so childish and inept drinking that Fiji water, you actually managed to retroactively unCuck Marco Rubio. Congratulations.
What fresh fuckery is this now? The Shart Administration is reversing an Obama-era (of course) ban on importing elephant trophies? Just another giveaway to his populist base, right? Safari trophy hunting is basically the foundation of Rust Belt culture.
In related news, the Puppy & Kitten Stomping Act is scheduled for a hearing in the Senate We're Just Straight Up Evil Now Committee, chaired by Ted Cruz.
Ugh. I can't leave you good people this way. Want a video of Drumpf supporters saying Hilldawg should be impeached because they don't know what words mean? Sure ya do.
I guess Charles Manson is dying? Gosh, that's a shame. He was about to be nominated for a cabinet post
Junior Drops His Mixtape, "2 Dumb 2 Collude"(Ferret/ShowerCap)
Hello, Resisters. New post! Links version at:
http://showercapblog.com/trump-junior-drops-mixtape-2-dumb-2-collude/
Remember the days when you could read the news without wearing sterilized gloves? When you could check in on the various shenanigans and goings-on of the movers and shakers without needing bulk quantities of hand sanitizer and bleach nearby?
Fuck, do we HAVE to keep covering the ever-grossening* depths of the goddamn Roy Moore story? I'm retching like I've got food poisoning on a roller coaster on board an ill-fated Carnival Triumph cruise.
...fine, let's get this over with.
Steve Bannon dispatched what we're told are "two of Breitbart News' top reporters" (which I assume to mean "the two guys at the office without Velcro shoes" to Alabama on a mission to discredit Moore's accusers, which is...y'know...not what a journalist's fucking job is, you pockmarked rummy creep.
Maybe somebody can make a Tarantino-knockoff movie called Breitbart Alabama Hit Squad. It can star badly-aging 90's heartthrobs as the "reporters," think a meth-addled Macaulay Culkin, maybe Jonathan Taylor Thomas with a bulging goiter, and in a special cameo as Bannon himself...Kevin Spacey.
Breitbart's Discount Propaganda for the White, Angry, & Stupid opened a second front in the War to Protect a Serial Child Molester Because I Guess That's What Conservatism Does Now, exposing the Washington Post for...DOING JOURNALISM.
Yeah, the big scoop is that the WaPo reporters REACHED OUT TO A SOURCE IN THE MOORE STORY and ASKED HER TO GO ON THE RECORD. Embarrassing, ain't it?
I'm not making this up. I'm gonna do something I would ordinarily never do, and link to the Breitbart article itself. Look at that shit. It's like they're pimping some big exposé on taxi drivers, breathlessly proclaiming, "The drivers inevitably TURN ON THEIR METERS before driving the passenger to A PRE-AGREED-UPON DESTINATION." Just sad.
Anyway. Another Moore accuser came forth, holding a press conference with attorney Gloria Allred this afternoon, and Jesus Christ, her story is disturbing. She tells of Moore trying to rape her, when she was SIXTEEN YEARS OLD, then abandoning her by a dumpster, taunting her that nobody would ever believe her, because he's a Big Fancy Lawyer Man, and she's just the teenage waitress he tried to rape.
Moore insists he never met the girl, never went even went to the restaurant, which raises the question of just how he wound up SIGNING HER FUCKING YEARBOOK, which is something regular, non-pedophile adults do all the time, right? No?
Hey. To anybody out there who needs this explained (and I've had some crazy gross conversations online these last few days, with some dudes who don't see any problems with Moore's behavior), IF YOU'RE A GROWN-ASS MAN AND SHE HAS A FUCKING YEARBOOK, keep your filthy hands off of her, okay?
FUCK.
Local Alabama reporting supports the narrative that Moore did indeed hang around malls, high school football games, and yes, restaurants, looking for teenage girls to pick up. Because he's a CHILD MOLESTER.
And yet, somehow this serial pedophile still has defenders. Can we all agree that Getting Kicked Out of Shopping Malls For Being a Skeevy Old Creep disqualifies one for public office? Please? Can we just meet at Appomattox and sign a document agreeing on that one, tiny, patch of shared morality?
Seen this Flawless Specimen of Southern Manhood? Look at this fucker. He's like somebody carved a Jabba the Hutt sculpture out of Crisco and left it out on the porch overnight.
Anyhow, Frankenpervert here helpfully compares sexually assaulting a 14-year-old to "stealing a lawnmower," which I think demonstrates precisely how much the Southern Conservative Male values his fellow humans, when those fellow humans happen to be female.
Now, some folks on Team Shart want to send the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, back to his home state to campaign for his old seat as a write in. Neat double-whammy there, as it gives you the chance to appoint a shiny new Attorney General who hasn't recused himself from any ol' thing, and can therefore fire Bob Mueller.
Gotta keep an eye on these weasels, is all I'm sayin'.
Mitch McConnell earned widespread plaudits for saying he believes Moore's accusers, as though this isn't a politically convenient opportunity to destroy a man he knew would be a constant pain in his ass. Yertle ain't "woke," folks, he's just crafty as fuck.
Yeah, a few other prominent Republicans issued their condemnations, with varying degrees of severity. My personal favorite was John Cornyn, who was like, "I am a man of mighty principles, and therefore I must withdraw my endorsement of Roy Moore, but if the voters of Alabama decided to elect a pedophile against my advice, WHADDYA GONNA DO, RIGHT?"
Jeff Flake (R-Outtahere) went so far as to say "Yeah, let's vote for the Democrat over the child molester," which counts as a controversial statement these days, because 2017 is an endless parade of horrors. Cory Gardner said that if Moore wins, the Senate should immediately expel him, or, if that proves legally dubious, just haze the motherfucking shit out of him until he leaves. (Hazing in the Senate consists primarily of forcing the pledge to spend ungodly amounts of time in the company of Ted Cruz.)
I wanna talk about something else. Anything else. Let's talk about something else, huh?
There was a little piece about how nobody can figure what Omarasa actually does in the Shart House beyond throw little parties for herself and draw an exorbitant government salary.
Most days, I'd be outraged by a story like that. Today, I find it refreshingly non-nauseating.
Yeah, let's spend some time with garden-variety corruption. Good, clean, grifting. Like, you remember when those Cowboy Ryan Zinke buddies landed that sweet/ridiculous no-bid government contract to dick around in Puerto Rico for a bit in exchange for All the Money?
Well, the Failing New York Times reports the good ole boys at Whitefish are charging the government, excuse me, YOU the taxpayer, $319/hour for linemen, while passing just 63 bucks of that down to the actual linemen, and pocketing these rest. SWEET GRIFT, WHITEFISH BOYS.
And one of Sharty McFly's cartoonishly-unqualified judicial nominees, the one who's never tried a single fucking case, failed to disclose that he's married to one of President's lawyers.
Sure. Fine. While we expend all our energy keeping the pedophiles out, I guess the merely corrupt sneak by us. Shit, in a couple of months, they'll probably slap a clown wig and a fake mustache on Seb Gorka, try and get him confirmed to the D.C. Circuit Court.
Word from the Big Fancy Grown Up Asia trip is that every world leader now understands that if you just kiss the Shart's spraytanned ass a little bit, he'll merrily roll over and give you whatever the fuck you ask for, hell, he's only in it for the emoluments $$$$ at this point.
And to that end, murderous autocrat Rodrigo Duterte serenaded President Crotchvoid with a love song? Sure, why not?
The American President sat next to a petty nickel dictator like Duterte and laughed along with him as he shut down/threatened the press, and the Founders wept. The Shart House claims the two leaders discussed human rights issues, but Duterte's spokesman said, "Nope."
That's our Commander in Chief. Cucked by a third-world strongman. I'm sure you're proud.
The Congressional GOP desperately wants to sneak their massive Let's Give Everybody's Money to the Wealthy tax "reform" bill through before anybody knows what's happening (especially now that the Alabama senate seat is in jeopardy.) Now the CBO says they're moving so fast there won't be time to score it. CALL YOUR CONGRESSFUCKZ!
And while we're focused on perverts and tweets and petty thievery, the American-supported coalition in Syria allowed hundreds, maybe even thousands, of ISIS soldiers to escape Raqqa in exchange for a cessation of hostilities.
Yup. The forces we supply and support let a fucking ISIS ARMY get away.
No, that's not quite right. The forces we supply and support HELPED A FUCKING ISIS ARMY get away.
Sleep tight.
Oh, and what's this? Tonight we learned, via Julia Ioffe at the Atlantic, that Don the Con's idiot son, despite his many denials, was in secret contact with WikiLeaks during the 2016 election. All kinds of poor-man's Tom Clancy here, including a suggestion that Junior get ahold of a page or two of pa's tax returns that Julian "Hidin' Out From Them Rape Charges" Assange could then leak to present a slim veneer of impartiality, so as not to seem to be quite so openly ratfucking for Uncle Vlad.
Oh, and there's fun stuff with Assange whispering in Junior's ear to take a wrecking ball to American democracy by getting Daddy to refuse to concede if he lost. Remember all that talk of "rigging?"
Assange expected some lofty payments for his services, by the way. He wanted Dorito Mussolini to force Australia to name him their ambassador to the U.S., having apparently gone totally stir-crazy after re-reading the same four Reader's Digests in the Ecuadorian Embassy lobby for years. "I would also like to be named Princess of Fantasia! You will forge me a scepter of the finest mithril, and a throne of dragonbone! Also, I haven't had a fucking Twinkie in three years, man, HELP A BROTHER OUT!"
Shart, Jr., because he is a stupid, stupid, boy, shared the Assange exchanges on his own twitter account, because....because....FUCK, y'all, I can't even finish that sentence. I literally cannot imagine how you can be SO FUCKING STUPID as to publicly confess to conspiracy, aiding and abetting, god knows what else. You would have to a goddamn gerbil to fathom this puddingbrained dope's thought process.
Politico tells us that Steve Bannon and Sheldon Adelson are fighting, and if there's any way I can help these two resolve their differences, I want them to know they can borrow my small-but-sturdy hammer collection.
And now it looks like Jeff Sessions wants to turn the entire goddamn United States Department of Justice in a cudgel to attack President Scrotumfungus' political enemies. Word is, he's looking at appointing a special counsel (Which I have to assume will be a goateed Mirror Universe Robert Mueller) to look into the right wing loonosphere's favorite WHY DID HILLARY CLINTON SMUGGLE 20% OF THE NATION'S URANIUM TO RUSSIA IN THE FAKE HOT SAUCE BOTTLE SHE KEEPS IN HER PURSE TO PANDER conspiracy.
And hey, if the President has unethically meddled in the process by calling for just such an investigation, and if Ol' Beau is only accommodating him to hold onto his job for another month or so, well...Democracy had a pretty good run in the Western Hemisphere, don'tcha think?
Alright, folks. I can't take another minute of this shit. I'm gonna go smoke a bunch of oregano and watch Ken Russell movies until I pass out.
*I can make up words on my own blog. You don't like it, leave a note in the complaint box. What complaint box? Exactly.
At Least Now We Know Why Roy Moore Volunteered to Wear the High School Mascot Suit (Ferret/ShowerCap
As always, links version at:
http://showercapblog.com/least-now-know-roy-moore-volunteered-wear-high-school-mascot-suit/
We're all reflecting on the 2016 election, because it was a year ago this week, and we're remembering our early reactions...our worries, our determination to resist, our fears...those were some dark days, right? But if anybody put any money on "Within one short year we'll be debating whether or not we should elect child molesters to congress," well, you've earned your winnings.
What other lunacy is bludgeoning our senses these days? Let's jump in:
We're hearing reports that Team Shart's refusing to approve the AT&T/Time Warner merger unless they sell off CNN, or maybe just tie CNN up in a burlap sack and throw it into a lake. Also Jared Kushner apparently told CNN honchos to fire 20% of their staff because of all their Fake Gnusing and Insufficient Bootlicking and whatnot.
So yeah, it's just the Executive Branch of the American government, vindictively targeting a critical media outlet. No biggie. What's a little fascism between friends?
Hey, this Mike Flynn shit, right? I guess Rugged Robert Mueller's team is investigating him (and his frothy maniac son) for maybe plotting to kidnap an exiled dissenter living in Pennsylvania at the behest of his Turkish paymasters, for 15 million bucks. While serving on the transition team. And this is the guy our Idiot Manchild President made his fucking National Security Advisor.
As crazy as this last couple of years has been, I have to confess the preceding paragraph sort of blows my mind. One of the top advisors in the White House, conspiring to arrange an extrajudicial rendition, for Mercenary wages. Truly...shit be cray.
Oh, and Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes and Dana Rohrabacher are tangled up with Flynn as well? Magnificent.
Probably the most welcome news of the week finds the forces of justice closing in on Balding Hate Dweeb Stephen Miller. I was worried he'd escape unscathed. I wonder if there are janitors in prison, Stephen?
Generally, as it's revealed that higher-and-higher-ranking Shart campaign officials (Clovis, Sessions, Miller, Hicks) were fully aware of young George Papaderpaderp's misadventures, it seems like we're right on the doorstop of that magical time when we get to ask...What Did the President Know and When Did He Know It? EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
We keep filling in the gaps in the biography of Roy Moore: Pervert, and, y'know...EW.
Apparently Ol' Man Moore was known to cruise high school football games and even the MALL, looking for "dates." God, you can just picture it, can't you? Skeevy Roy lurking in the corner of the food court, tantalizingly flashing American Apparel gift cards at teenagers, winking.
You are NOT Forever 21, Roy.
(This space intentionally left blank to allow the reader time to barf, clean up their barf, and brush their teeth.)
Now, you'd think "child molester" is a low enough ethical bar that for once, all Americans, Republican, Democrat, and even the self-righteous dipshits who follow failed folk-rock artist Jill Stein, can link arms and cry out in one voice "OH HELL NO."
But that would just be too...nice for 2017. No, instead, we get a distressingly large and powerful contingent of GOP political and media figures circling the wagons AROUND A PEDOPHILE.
Suddenly Hannity and Coulter and Ingraham and their ilk are crowing about how the age of consent in Alabama is 16, so we may as well hold the homecoming dance in that one ill-lit bar with off-track betting by the docks, because there's NOTHING WRONG with old dudes dating high school girls.
Wonder if that'll make it to the official GOP platform in 2020.
Hannity, at least, is paying the price, with advertisers dropping him, possibly because "The Official Tooth Whitener of Child Molester Apologists" just doesn't have that Don Draper magic.
But NOW, because we're right in the Heart of Darkness, skinny-dipping in the fucking river, the MAGAnet wants to boycott the companies that dropped Hannity, because I guess they're anti-anti-pedophile? Again, I thought the moral bar was too low to even trip over here. This is, I confess, not my first disappointment this year.
So Twitter is full of videos of angry dumbasses smashing their Kuerig machines, because I guess they think destroying their own property months after they've transferred their legal tender to the company that manufactured it will teach them some sort of lesson.
Oh, and didja see where one of Roy's lawyers (Gonna need some more of those, Judge Pedo) sat down with Don Lemon on CNN? Obviously unused to a black guy being permitted to ask him questions, he figured he'd casually demean the man, calling him "Don Lemon squeezy take it easy," because I guess Alabama really is like this, folks. (Seen the polling on Alabama's response to Roy's pedo accusations? SHUDDER.)
Anyway, the guy's got the creepiest little giggle I've ever heard. No way this dude doesn't have a closet full of femurs in his basement.
Well, if we're debating whether or not a child molester should be a U.S. Senator, I guess it's much less scandalous that the Senate Judiciary Committee approved, along partisan lines, a Drumpf nominee for a federal judgeship (again in Alabama, amusingly) who has never tried a single case, who's been unanimously rated "FUCK NO" by the American Bar Association, and who ran a slobberingly idiotic right wing blog.
Can't have pedophiles making these calls, I guess.
The Failing New York Times published the latest entry in the thriving Why the Fuck is Rex Tillerson Destroying the State Department, Doesn't He Think We Might Need it Later genre. You sort of expect Low-T Rex to just start blasting Smash Mouth over the intercom system at Foggy Bottom until everybody gets fed up and quits.
Republicans are finally coming clean (relatively speaking) about their tax bill. Mitch McConnell now says he "misspoke" about nobody in the middle class getting a tax increase, and that maybe a few million Americans will technically wind up as "serfs," but the important thing is how happy the Koch brothers will be.
Even Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag went on CNN to say "OK, so we're raising taxes on some middle class families, but you don't understand, Sheldon Adelson wants to construct a six-story golden reliquary for the pubic hairs his cleaning staff retrieves from his shower drain, so a few million of you ungrateful peasants will have to tighten your belts."
If we're taking money away from working people in order to just hand it to the already uber-wealthy, is that trickle-down? Or shovel-up?
Over on his Asia trip, annoyed at having to Not Golf for so many consecutive days. the Man with Phalangeal stunting gathered the press to tell them "You leave my friend Vlad alone! He says he didn't interfere in our election, and that's good enough for me, no matter what the dumb ol' FBI says!"
Sharty McFly took special care to call respected IC leaders Comey, Clapper, and Brennan "political hacks," presumably because he doesn't understand that doing so motivates the IC operatives who admired them to work that much harder to nail his cheap grifter ass to the wall. Not a bright lad, that President.
Let's also take a moment to note that SCROTUS chose Veteran's Day to attack his own country's Intelligence Community. In fact, he composed a little poem:
This is Just to Say
By Donald J Trump
I have sold out
the nation
that you fought
so hard for
and which
you were probably
saving
for your grandchildren
Forgive me
there is a pee tape
so wet
and so gold
Anyway.
I guess Donnie Dotard finally found out where John Kelly hid his phone on the Asia trip (in the veggie bin in Air Force One's kitchen, the last place he'd look.), and went on a little Twitter tantrum, because he'd been a good boy all weekend, and he deserved it.
Apparently, the President of the United States was upset to learn that Kim Jong-un had referred to him as old (editor's note: Drump is, in fact, old.), and retaliated by calling him fat. And short. (editor's note: leave me alone, I'm drinking.)
Il Douche went on to brag about his "chemistry" with Putin. "Sometimes we'll finish each other's sentences, or like, we'll be on the sofa, halfway through an episode of How I Met Your Mother, and he'll just give me this look like 'this is boring, let's watch porn,' and I'll switch to porn, but we didn't even need to say anything."
Oh, and the U.S. Embassy in Moscow hired one of Uncle Vlad's old spy buddies to...hang on, it's hard to type over my own manic cackling...to..."provide security!" Multi-million-dollar contract to hire Russian spies to "guard" our embassy. Why not just CC the Kremlin on all communications? Shit, y'all.
"Political Hacks" John Brennan and James Clapper popped by the Sunday Shoz to remind everyone that foreign leaders understand that flattery will get you everywhere with President Micropenis. Ten minutes of "My, what a successful and not-at-all-fraudulent private university you have," and suddenly he'll dump all the classified information you can handle right into your waiting lap.
Jesus. What madness. Anyhow, I'm gonna go donate to Doug Jones so we don't have a PEDOPHILE SENATOR. You should, too.
Roy Moore Has Republicans Defending Child Molestation Now. Is America Great Again Yet? (Ferret!)
Hello friends...as always, check out the post, with links n' shit, at:
http://showercapblog.com/roy-moore-republicans-defending-child-molestating-now-america-great-yet/
Y'know, each day is a gift and a miracle. We greet the morning and all the potential it brings with hope and excitement. Truly, life IS like a box of chocolates, and you never do know what you're going to get.
Today's chocolate had the surprising filling of Oh I Guess We're Going to Watch Some of the Most Powerful and Influential People in the Country Argue That Middle Aged Men Having Sex With Teenagers is A-Ok.
Wow. Well, no sense wasting time, Resisters, let's dive into the muck.
CIA director Mike Pompeo met with a deranged conspiracy nut who says Hillary leaked her own e-mails in between running a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza joint and prank calling Christopher Stephens' family, or something, because President Crotchvoid told him to. Next week, maybe Mikey can lunch with the guy who wandered around my college campus screaming that you'd go to hell if you listened to Bon Jovi.
A little good news, as Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III relented in his prosecution of the dastardly broad who committed the high crime of Laughing at Him in Public. Distraught, Ol' Beau even ordered the demolition of the gallows he'd hopefully had constructed on the grounds below his office window.
Golly, the economic anxiety is just dripping off the subjects of the latest Shitty White Drumpf Supporters profile. Be sure to read all the way to the end. Never seen such economic anxiety.
I guess John Kelly got mad at the acting head of DHS, Elaine Duke, for not Making America White Again fast enough for his liking. While crazy white dudes keep perpetrating mass shootings, apparently the great threat to the homeland lies in refugees from Central America who've been living peacefully among us for decades.
I guess that Omarosa woman (I'm still not researching the whole reality tv thing. I read all this fucking news, and I have to draw the line someplace.) had a big wedding photo shoot in the White House, just to kind of rub America's nose in the travesty of this regime? Like, "Here's the maid of honor barfing on a bust of Winston Churchill!"
Didja see where Wilbur Ross turned out to be a fake billionaire? Yeah, the Head Gnome in Charge of Commerce got caught exaggerating his wealth, and was unceremoniously dropped by the Forbes list o' billionaires, no doubt being forced to turn in his secret Junior Billionaire Decoder Ring in the process.
Lying about being richer than you actually are? No wonder he and Boss Shart get along so well.
Hey, that was some election night, wasn't it? America was backed up like a teenage boy who found a Victoria's Secret catalogue in second period and had to wait the entire school day plus basketball practice to...address his urges. And after a long, frustrating year of painful waiting, we fiiiiiiiiinally got to vote, and godDAMN was it good.
Trumpism got spanked from coast to coast, and not in a fun, sexy, way, but in a you've-offended-the-Lord-thy-God-now-here's-a-cranky-nun-with-a-flail way.
Ok, maybe it was a LITTLE sexy. Couple governor's mansions, badass new Philadelphia district attorney, a bunch of mayorships, and a Virginia blowout so massive, control of the House of Delegates is up in the air, pending recounts.
As if this wasn't justice enough, there was extra, bonus justice wherever you looked! The author of anti-transgender bathroom bill lost his seat to a transgender woman! An old white dude who made fun of the women's march lost to a woman who decided to run precisely in order to teach him a lesson. And the new mayor-elect of Helena, Montana...came to the United States as a refugee!
Let's also take a moment to cheer an evening of resounding defeat for the murderous National Rifle Association.
Well, maybe their voters listened to Shartboy, Jr., and stayed home.
And of course, while his party was absorbing a coast-to-coast taint-jackhammering as a result of his failed leadership, the Marmalade Shartcannon was over in South Korea, schilling his golf club, because he's nothing but a petty grifter.
Hilarious how quickly he threw ol' Ed Gillespie away, like a Kleenex used by the hypothetical teenage boy from a few paragraphs back.
The good people of Maine overwhelmingly said "hellz YES we want to expand Medicaid under the ACA," only have their governor, Doddering Hate Muppet Paul LePage, vow to block it anyway, because FUCK DEMOCRACY, that's why.
Did I mention that the unpopular LePage is a two-term governor only because a third party candidate split his opposition in both of his elections? There's an unsubtle lesson there, for those who still require it.
After their electoral drubbing, the GOP sat up through a long, dark, soul-searching, night, examined their beliefs with cold, unrelenting, objectivity, and decided to get right back to work passing a tax "reform" bill that benefits their donor class at the expense of the rest of the nation.
And of course, everybody fucking hates the bill. Well, everybody except the idle, crustless-triangle-shaped-cucumber-sandwich-eating wealthy.
Gary Cohn tried pitching it by mentioning how excited all his CEO budz have been, because it's just BREAKING FUCKING NEWS that when you tell a rich dude he'll be several million dollars richer, he's all for it.
Of course, Senator Lindsey Graham and Congressdouche Chris Collins said the quiet part out loud, practically trembling in terror that all that sweet American Oligarch dark money will evaporate in a heartbeat if Daddy Mercer doesn't get his tax cuts.
Corey Lewandowski, who swore up and down for months that He Didn't Know Any Carter Page, Hey, What's a Carter Page Anyway, Is That Like Macy's Line of Kitchenware or Something, but then Carter Page testified under oath in front of congress and PRESTO, Corey's memory has been magically restored.
But really, pinky swear, this is the ABSOLUTE LAST of the Russia things, there's no more Russia, how dare you even ask, at least until the next thing surfaces, in which case I reserve the right to have another miraculous memory recovery.
And I see Fux Nooz hired Faux Doctor Seb Gorka, because the We Must Annex the Sudetenland crowd was feeling underrepresented.
Longtime Shartal Bodyguard Keith Schiller told congress that his pervy boss totally rejected five proffered Russian hookers and their sensually full bladders, even when they were freely offered by his Russian Miss Universe Pageant partners, because such behavior is simply beneath the man who brags about leering at teenagers while they change.
Anyway, Keith says he went to bed, so if anybody was taping anybody peeing on anybody else, he didn't know nothin' about it.
Meanwhile, Low-T Rex seems to think the State Department has been expending far too many resources on dumb ol' diplomacy, and not nearly enough on digging up potentially embarrassing shit on Hillary Clinton. Leadership!
Senator Bob Corker (R - Unleashed) called a hearing to look into the "We're not really letting a colicky man-baby control our fucking nuclear arsenal" conundrum. I bet McMaster has already replaced the real nuclear football with a Nerf one, and everybody just pretends he launched the missiles, showing him the ending of Dr. Strangelove. Dumb fuck probably thinks he's already nuked Syria a couple times.
The wave of rats deserting the sinking ship, excuse me, "Republican Congressmen announcing their retirements," continues to swell. Frank LoBiondo, Ted Poe, Bob Goodlatte, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Or do. Whatevs.
Carl Icahn received a subpoena of his very own, to love and to hug and to nurture, from the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, probably over that whole conflict-of-interest thang, where he was advising the President to do things that would, purely out of coincidence I'm sure, have significantly lined the pockets of one Carl Icahn.
The Trump toadies in FEMA are going after Chef Jose Andrés, because yeah, ok, he's helping to feed hurricane victims and all, but he's bein' awful mouthy about the millions of Puerto Ricans who STILL DON'T HAVE POWER. I mean, it's not like FEMA has anything better to do. Between passin' out fat contracts to Cowboy Ryan Zinke's pals, and yelling at folks for Insufficient Fealty While Cooking, no wonder they haven't found time to get the lights turned on.
I guess Richard Spencer bounced a check to the University of Florida, payment for the hall he rented for the privilege of being laughed at for a few minutes before running away. Must've let the tiki-torches-and-tweed-vests budget spiral out of control.
And the slobbering rage monsters of MAGA nation are boycotting Jim Beam because Mila Kunis makes a monthly donation to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence's name. Aren't these jagoffs already boycotting Starbucks, Target, Netflix, Oreos, Pepsi and sunshine?
We might be onto something here, actually. A few strategic, boycott-inducing acts, these dumbshits will be forced to subsist on a diet made up exclusively of tap water and Brawny paper towels.
KKKRis KKKobach's Kooky Kulling Komission is gettin' sued...by a member of itself. I feel like somebody should write a folksy novelty song about this, where KKKris is his own grandpa, and also somehow learns he's part black, and therefore disenfranchises himself.
The Velveeta Urinal cake can't even sabotage Obamacare, as sign-ups are hitting new records despite all his careful plans to cover up Obamacare with a couple of ferns and pretend it's not there.
And Steve Bannon demanded that the hallucinated talking turducken he mistook for Mitch McConnell resign from Senate leadership. Bannon then threw up in his mouth, and absentmindedly chewed the barf for a couple of minutes, before swallowing it again.
Only Nixon could go to China, but only Drumpf be so thoroughly, deeply, CUCKED there. Donnie Two-Scoops sure loved talkin' like a Big Tuff Boy Who Pulls Up His Own Pants and Everything about China on the campaign trail, right? He was gonna stand up to those nasty Chinese, and Make America Sooooooo Great!
Like all bullies, he gets face to face, and just folds. Actually complimented China for taking so much advantage of dumb, weak, America. Cuuuuuuuuuuck.
For an extra demonstration of just how deep the cucking goes, Little Donnie Dotard broke with the tradition of taking questions from the press, because the Chinese didn't WANNA. Watching the American President appease authoritarian dictators is gettin' plenty old, don'tcha think? That big statue of Lincoln's gonna stand up, march over to the White House, and stomp on Don's wee, shriveled, balls one of these days.
I see Bashful Bob Mueller's team sat Shart House Advisor/People Magazine's Least Sexy Man 2004-Present Stephen Miller down for an interview. My crack investigative sources have obtained a snippet of the transcript, this is a SHOWER CAP EXCLUSIVE:
Mueller: Good morning, Stephen.
Miller: Why is everyone wearing full-body hazmat suits?
Mueller: Oh, that's because you're so fucking disgusting. No one wants to accidentally inhale any air that may've been inside your body.
Miller: Damn. C'mon, guys -
Mueller: We can't possibly be the only people who wear hazmat suits around you.
Miller: Well. No. There's everybody at work. And my landlord. And my mom.
Mueller: Anyway. Let's get to the treason.
Whelp. Did I miss anything? That new Murder on the Orient Express remake looks kinda fun, I might just -
Wait, what's that? Roy Moore did what? She was HOW OLD? For fuck's sake.
So four women have come forward, on the record, and said Judge Roy, professional bigot, "dated" them when they were teenagers. In one case, he initiated sexual contact with her when she FOURTEEN YEARS OLD and he was 32.
Moore tried to get out in front of the story, feeding it to the eager propagandists at Breitbart, who were all too happy to say things like "First off, there's nothing wrong with a dude in his thirties dating a 16 year old," and getting progressively more disgusting from there.
And somehow, rather than slinking away in shame, Roy's hopped on the "fake librul media" train, and he's fucking FUNDRAISING OFF HIS PEDOPHILIA. And all the usual dirtbags, the ones who were all "I SAW A REDDIT POST SO BRING YOUR GUNS TO THE PIZZA PLACE, HILLARY CLINTON HAS SEX SLAVES" are suddenly insisting "well, it's he said/she said, and besides what's so goshdarned bad about a grown man trying to fuck a few teenagers?"
What the SHIT, people?
And because the news somehow wasn't gross or disappointing enough already, we were treated to a round of comments from the Good Christian Men of the Alabama Republican Party, who were all totally down with Roy Moore, even if he did spend his thirties preying on teenagers, because Jesus prefers child molesters to Democrats, apparently.
Anyway. A few congressional Republicans issued stern Tsk Tsks, and there's some rumbling about a Luther Strange write-in campaign, but with such a slim majority in the Senate, it'll be damned interesting to see just how dedicated to the once-uncontroversial "Pedophiles Are Bad" position Yertle & Co. turn out to be.
Fuck, y'all. Life is like a box of chocolates, and I'm goddamn TERRIFIED of what I'm gonna get now. Tomorrow's chocolate will be, like, a cockroach that whispers to me that I should cut off the mailman's knees and wear them like shoulder pads.
Profile Information
Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PMNumber of posts: 631
