TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalYall Can Have Roseanne, I'm Content Watching Laura Ingraham Get Dragged All Over the Internet
I tell ya folks, as more and more of my life gets packed up into boxes (moving soon), I have fewer and fewer distractions from the daily news horrorshow. My life is down to me, some spoons, and Donald Trump right now, and I kinda hate it.
(As always, post with link is available on my humble site: http://showercapblog.com/yall-can-roseanne-im-content-watching-laura-ingraham-get-dragged-internet/)
Wilbur Ross woke up just long enough to announce that the 2020 census will reinstate questions on immigration status, just another bit of intimidation fuckery from this team of shitty white nationalist goons. Shit, if Stephen Miller gets his way, they'll have follow-ups like “If you answered ‘yes,’ please list your favorite hiding places in and around you home.”
Wee Don is flustered he can't get his wall built. He can't get Mexico to pay for it. He can't get Congress to pay for it. He knows his whole builder/dealmaker image is on line with the wall, and he just can't get it done. He probably orders satellites to photograph the long, wall-less border, forever mocking him for his inadequacy, his tiny-fisted impotent rage.
So now he wants the military to pay for it. Just, y'know, rummage through the couch cushions at the Pentagon, find that spare 25 billion bucks, okay? Maybe if we ask the troops in Afghanistan to go without toilet paper for a year or so. Or boots. BABY WANTS HIS BIG DUMB WALL.
On this week's episode of The Best People, the Shart House added Caroline Sunshine to the press office. Caroline was in the Marmaduke movie and first off I had no idea there was a fucking Marmaduke movie whose fucking idea was THAT we can't cure cancer but somebody looks at a newspaper cartoon that was never funny once in 60 years and says YOU GET A WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE, BORING DOG fucking hell maybe we deserve Trump.
Anyway. Caroline Sunshine OF COURSE has no relevant training or experience and somehow she's not even the first staffer who couldn't find any better resume-filler than “Model U.N.”* but I don't suppose the “we lie all the time and don't care who knows it” shop really requires elite communications talent.
We expected Mitt Romney to run as an anti-Drumpf candidate, and so far he isn't disappointing. Mittens wants the good people of Utah know that he's a different kind of Republican; he's MUCH racister. Mittens wants to be known as the racistest racist in the whole dang GOP, and if he has to mud-wrestle Mike Pence to do it, then LOCK THE DOOR AND TELL MOTHER YOU'RE ON A MISSION TRIP, PUNK!
OH, and the racist fuckheads that run our government decided to deport a bunch of Liberian refugees who've been living peacefully among us for years, so if you live in a swing state and you know that smug college boy who still likes to brag about voting for Jill Stein because there's no difference between the two parties, you have my permission to kick him till he dies.
New polling shows most Americans aren't seeing much, if any extra money in their paychecks after the GOP's Please Enjoy These Scraps From Our Billionaire Donors’ Tables bill, but in fairness, very few of those polled were corporations or hedge funds.
The Kansas state legislature has responded to the public's overwhelming call for commonsense gun control laws by doing all the cocaine in the Midwest, drinking a bunch of cough syrup, slathering their bodies in Crisco, climbing to the top of the Capitol building in Topeka, and screaming "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT INSANITY IS, PEONS!”
Fucking maniacs want to arm teachers, sure, but any twitchy motherfucker can arm a teacher. Kansas wants you to know that in the Sunflower State, shit gets genuinely FREAKY. They want to make districts that refuse to transform their schools into armories legally liable if a shooting takes place! And to make sure everybody knows they're maybe-I-should-cross-to-the-other-side-of-the-street-just-to-be-safe crazy, they wanna make it illegal for insurance companies to charge districts that choose to play Westworld with children's lives even a penny more.
Now, our old friend KKKris KKKobach thinks this gibbering madness doesn't go far enough. Like, maybe replace the ol’ wall-mounted pencil sharpener with a wee Gatling gun? Grenades for the lunch lady? Maybe shoot the first kid who lands in detention, so everybody gets used to the sight of a classmate bleeding out?
Nick Fury nemesis Alex van der Zwaan popped back up in the news this week, as Bashful Bob Mueller used his sentencing as an opportunity to say, “What has two thumbs and was in contact with with a Kremlin-linked Russian intelligence dude during the 2016 election? RICK GATES, THAT'S WHAT.”
The Failing New York Times reports the Marmalade Shartcannon's recently-departed lawyer, John Dowd dressed up as a department store Santa, invited Mike Flynn and Paul Manafort to sit in his lap, and said “You look like a couple of lads who might like a Presidential Pardon, HO HO HO!” So hooray for ethics.
Good news everyone, the emoluments suit against Fat Q*Bert can proceed! All things being equal, I still liked life better before I knew what “emoluments” meant. Now my fucking autocorrect is all “Oh, Cap's talking about emoluments again. What if I'm sharing this charming video of the mating dance of the majestic emu, autocorrect? What then?
So yeah, now SHARTUS is facing lawsuits for accepting bribes and defaming women he sexually assaulted and unfair competition in the restaurant industry, and if I ever get my suit on his lifetime's worth of criminal destruction of Perfectly Good Steaks together, he's REALLY gonna be in trouble.
Julian Assange's parents are so MEAN, you guys! He lost his internet privileges, he's not allowed to have anybody come over and play even though he just got the new MarioKart, and I bet they make him eat a whole bunch of broccoli all the time. Anyway, fuck him.
Hey, remember when Wisconsin courts ordered Scott Walker to hold special elections because it turns out “I'm pretty sure we'll lose” isn't a permissible reason to deny American citizens representation in government? Well, Scotty said “Screw you, The Rule of Law! I'll call a special sessions of the Wisco legislature just to pass a fancy new law that says Democracy is whatever Scott Walker Fucking Says It Is,” because he is a goony little fascist.
Anyhow, the courts said, “Little man, we will grab you by the scrotum and drag you up and down the streets of Madison until you call these elections,” and then Walker whined about Eric Holder for a bit, because he is a bad loser, and relented.
Let's check in real quick with thinkers n’ pundits of the 21st century American right, see what ideas might be percolatin’ in the elite heights of conservative thought. Oh. Um, they seem to be celebrating the fact that Parkland shooting survivor/gun control activist David Hogg got turned down on some of his college applications.
This, finally, is what the conservative moment has come to...gloating that a teenager whose classmates were shot to death didn't get into the college he wanted. Laura Ingraham in particular couldn't restrain herself from tap-dancing with malicious glee.
Ah, but Laura fucked with the wrong teen. These Parkland kids are pretty goddamn savvy, and Hogg wasted no time in digging up a list of Ingraham's advertisers. “Why no, we don't want our product associated with a soulless ghoul who attacks children who survived a massacre, thanks for asking,” was the swift, common, response.
And wouldn't you know it, after years and years and years of being a professional hate-monger, suddenly Laura Ingraham found something to apologize for! Not any of the other vulgar garbage she's vomited up in her garbage career, just the one thing that finally sent the sponsors running. Got it. Alas, advertisers keep leaving anyway, HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.
Nice job, Hogg & Co. Do Hannity next.
I was raised on the idea that hard work would lead to success, but of course the real world is more complicated. Turns out, if you're willing to lie about an insecure narcissist's height and weight, you could wind up in the line of succession!
Yes, David Shulkin got his grifty ass fired, which is just and fair and right. Of course, Carson and Zinke and Pruitt and Mnuchin, each griftier than the last, get to keep their jobs, so we're not exactly applying consistent ethical standards here, SURPRISE SURPRISE.
And his replacement is to be...Dr. Ronny Jackson, the presidential physician who told America “this obviously obese man is not obese and is also a little bit taller than he actually is but on the bright side he can correctly identify an elephant.”
Does Jackson have any experience managing sprawling bureaucracies? What with the Department of Veterans Affairs being the second-largest federal agency? What a dumb fucking question that is, and I'm a dumb fuck for even asking it.
OF COURSE NOT. Il Douche liked the way he lied on the teevee, so he gets his very own cabinet department to play with. I'm sure he'll orient himself quickly; word is he's chosen Betsy DeVos to his “Cabinet Buddy” mentor!
(Shulkin wrote an angry op-ed on his way out, and I bet he rubbed his bare ass on all the furniture, too. Just to be safe, Dr. Ronny, I'd throw out all the pens.)
Scott Pruitt sent out a set of talking points to EPA staffers demanding they cast doubt on the role of human activity in climate change, which is a bit like Rick Perry telling Americans to pray to the Electricity Gods for their favor before flipping the light switch in the bathroom. Science is, after all...for cucks.
Oh, and he lived in lobbyist's condo for a year, because of course he did.
Elsewhere in the Cabinet, Ben Carson and Mick Mulvaney are scaling back oversight and enforcement at their respective departments, because laws that protect poor people from rich people are just SILLY, aren't they? And Ryan Zinke's probably stealing the cartridges out of the office printers.
Now, Dorito Mussolini can't pull off a simple condolence call, and he won't say jack shit about any American murdered by a white supremacist terrorist. But if a sitcom that mentions him a bunch does well? Well THAT shit merits a congratulatory phone call. You gotta have priorities, right?
So, um...Michael Cohen does not seem to have hired a very good lawyer. He did a little media tour that made Sam Nunberg seem like Dan Rather. But hey, at least he helpfully built a very strong case against his shitbag client.
President Gas Station Urinal Cake must've had another Mueller nightmare, because he woke up screaming bloody murder all over the tweets because...wait, this can't be right...because Amazon uses the U.S Postal Service?
I...bu...wha? Paying USPS to deliver things is...bad? I miss having a President who understood things.
The mustache-twirlers over at ICE apparently decided that they weren't detaining enough pregnant women, so they're changing their official policy, seeking new growth on the Detaining Pregnant Women front, because they are fucking monsters. Family-wrecking thug monsters. When we get past all this shit, we need to burn ICE down and salt the motherfucking earth beneath it.
The President's Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Ol’ Beauregard, has declined at this time to appoint a second Special Counsel to investigate the FBI for...oh, for whatever Devin "Pigfucker” Nunes is blathering about this week. SHARTUS won't be happy to hear that.
Jefferson might be a little on edge these days, what with the news about how the Mueller investigation is asking witnesses about the 2016 Republican National Convention, that Putin-friendly change in the GOP platform regarding arming Ukraine, and those meetings Ol’ Beau had with Ambassador Sergey Kislyak that oh-so-conveniently slipped his mind during his confirmation hearing.
Now, speaking of Mueller...it looks like we're gettin’ to the good stuff.
Following up on the Gates/Van der Zwaan story, CNN says Rugged Robert wasn't interested in Gates to build his case against Manafort, Manafort's already skinned, breaded, and fried. He wanted Gates to go after that chewy Russian collusion core at the center of this Tootsie Pop. How many licks, Donnie? YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT.
NBC reports that Trump, who I'll (sadly) remind everyone is the President of the Whole Dang United States, tells his aides “Hey, anytime we have to do something bad to Russia, let's keep it on the down-low, 'kay?” BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT PUTIN TO GET MAD.
That smirking bald bastard attacks our country, and our Commander in Chief doesn't want to hurt his feelings! It must be nice having the head of your major geopolitical rival as your own personal gimp.
This is just fucking embarrassing at this point. I don't think I could look a bald eagle in the eye right now.
Alright, gang. Thanks for reading, I gotta dive back into packing. Again, I ask your patience over the next few weeks, I may miss some shit here and there.
*We haven't forgotten you, Papaderpaderp.
This New Santorum Says Advice Column is Gonna Be LIT
Gosh, it's been almost quiet lately. Reading the news today, I've barely banged my head on the keyboard in despair and frustration enough to break the skin! (Post available with helpful links at: http://showercapblog.com/new-santorum-says-column-lit/)
Mike Pants emerged from his bunker just long enough tap his boss on the shoulder and say “Excuse me your Normalsizedhandedness, I was wondering, if you weren't too busy shitting on Hispanic people, could you maybe spare a moment to shit on transgender people, too? You didn't get me anything for Xmas,” and then he batted his eyes coquettishly until the Shart agreed to take a fresh new stab at banning transgender troops from military service.
“Anything for you, Matt,” proclaimed the Bonespur Buttplug, who promptly signed the order. Then he dodged the draft one more time, just to be on the safe side.
Everybody knows only the most popular policies get their unveiling late Friday night. Like, “We interrupt this syndicated episode of That 70’s Show to bring you this crotch punt to civil rights and basic human decency.
A much-needed victory for the forces of decency as the March For Our Lives saw massive turnout worldwide! Hundreds of thousands took to the streets with their controversial “It is bad that people keep getting shot to death and we should do something about that” message, which is oddly somehow not universal.
As an added bonus, the Washington, D.C. chapter of the MFOL joined the prestigious list of Events That Outdrew the Velveeta Vulgarian's Inauguration, alongside the Women's March, Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry's, and the Line to Ladies Room at Last Weekend's Taylor Swift Concert.
The NRA crowd is...not taking this well. The old “buy off politicians who'll stall any gun control legislation” strategy is on increasingly shaky ground. They can't win any arguments on rational terms, because of course they're just a confederation of frothy maniacal man-children who believe the occasional classroom slaughter is a completely fair price to pay to maintain their demented fantasy of murdering a bunch of American soldiers.
So, backed into a corner and hissing like the possum you found going through your garbage, they've settled on “Let's demonize the fuck out of these teenage school shooting survivors” as their strategy. Yeah.
Look I didn't say it was a GOOD strategy.
Steve King says that since Emma González has a Cuban flag patch on her jacket, she's essentially Castro with Cantaloupe Calves. They've also doctored a GIF of Emma to make it look like she's sneeringly tearing up the U.S. Constitution, because hey, once you've abandoned honesty and shame, why not go all out?
Oh, and they've decided that young David Hogg is basically Hitler now. Because he put his arm up in the air this one time. Hitler. The whole damn internet is full of right-wing psychopaths calling a kid who thinks other kids shouldn't have to worry about being shot to death in school HITLER.
Alex Jones, never one for half measures, suggests the kids are part of a Soros-funded army that wants to kill all the gun owners. And that's just silly. By the way, if you're a gun owner, please leave your address in the comments. I promise you the teen I dispatch to your house is just selling candy bars to raise money for band uniforms. Yes, she needs a knife to do that. Just let her in.
In the midst of all this projectile idiocy, you know you could count on Rick Santorum to claim the jagoff dunce cap. Ricky is tired of these Cuck teens asking for Cuck laws to protect their Cuck lives! Why can't you take some Personal Responsibility™️ and learn CPR so you can be a helpful first responder when your classroom gets shot to pieces? Yeah, this genius thinks every high school kid needs to be a combat medic, remember when he was winning Presidential primaries?
Gags aside, Santorum's just parroting the unbelievable/ridiculous/depressing right-wing line on mass shootings; they're just one o’ those things that happens, like a tornado or a hurricane, and therefore you can't really prevent ‘em, just try to mitigate the damage. It's such a comically bad-faith argument, you'd laugh if they didn't have so much fucking blood on their hands.
...the real distressing theme here is that it seems like it's the very dumbest people in the nation who are the most desperate to be heavily armed. There might be a solution in that, actually. What if we legally mandate that all firearms must be stored in gun safes, and you have to pass a test where you use “your” and “you're” correctly in a sentence before it unlocks? That shit'd save lives.
Anyhoo, while the loons shriek and moan about whether folks call it a “magazine” or a “clip,” let's follow the example of the March organizers, and get a whole bunch of gun sense voters registered to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.
Meanwhile, Tangerine Idi Amin suddenly finds himself rather conspicuously under-lawyered for a guy up to his triple-chin in lawsuits. Operation: Hire the Angry Guy From the Magic Television Box fell through, and all the tweets in the world can't change the fact that nobody wants to represent a traitor who doesn't pay his bills.
Anyway, he got rejected by another couple of lawyers today, who said they'd love to represent the President, but they're washing their hair that night. Also, one of the previous lawyers (who said he just had a lot of homework to catch up on, finals are coming up, otherwise I'd totally be down) went on tv to talk about how abnormal and crazy Boss Shart is. When you ask a lawyer to represent you, and his answer isn't just “No,” but “No, and I'm going on television to shit all over your face,” you know you've got problems.
Plus, Donnie Two-Scoops is extra stressed because he finally had to expel a bunch of Russian diplomats today, just to keep up appearances, but that means Daddy Vlad is gonna get mad, and probably withhold his allowance this week.
Hey, the Secretary of Treasury doesn't know how the Constitution works, that's neat! Yep, ol’ Mnuchbag was out on the Sunday Shoz to talk about how his boss wants a line-item veto to play with. “Yeah, but that's unconstitutional, SCOTUS said so,” the host informed him, and Steve went, “I think Donnie should have a line-item veto if he wants one,” and the host was all “Do you have shit in your ears, it's unconstitutional,” and Steve-O goes, “Well, that's like, just your opinion, man,” and all four faces on Mount Rushmore started crying tears of blood.
The mean ol’ Supreme Court of Pennsylvania told Republicans they don't get to painstakingly handpick their own voters anymore, and now Ryan Costello is taking his ball (and his 93% rating from the NRA) and going home. I miss him already.
The Stormy Daniels 60 Minutes interview aired Sunday night, and OK I GET IT HE WANTS TO FUCK HIS DAUGHTER CAN WE MAYBE AGREE IT'S SOMETHING WE ALL KNOW AND JUST NEVER TALK ABOUT AGAIN ESPECIALLY IN THE CONTEXT OF HIM TELLING WOMEN THEY REMIND HIM OF HER BEFORE HE BOINKS THEM?
She also said that she doesn't find Sharty McFly attractive, which is weird, because he's basically a stack of asses that's been spray-tanned, with a dead prairie dog on top, what's sexier than that?
Oh, and some goon threatened her and her daughter, isn't it neat that the President of the United States behaves like a goony mob movie boss? And not a good mob movie, either. One where they couldn't get De Niro or Gandolfini, so they settled for Danny Aiello.
Mark Zuckerberg has been “invited” to testify before a couple of Congressional committees, which should be extra fun as we keep learning about all the data they've been secretly harvesting over at th'Facebook. Yes, they've got our phone calls and our text messages, probably some stray thoughts about your seventh grade math teacher who looked younger because she had braces.
Still, all this data and all they can think to do with it is try to sell me sweatpants that look like dress pants.
Word at Interior is, Secretary Ryan Zinke isn't having any of this “diversity” guff, because he prefers “excellence,” and if he just happens to define “excellence” as “white dudes who keep their mouths shut while I grift this department blind,” well, so be it.
Yeah, Cowboy Z clearly believes in excellence, as demonstrated by his travel budget. And his door budget. You best believe those $140,000 doors, when they're finished, are getting painted WHITE
And now Stormy's suing Michael Cohen for defamation, which couldn't come at a worse time for anyone, because Donnie Dotard was just about to ask his lawyer if he could borrow his lawyer's lawyer.
I keep seeing articles about Murderous Coal Baron Don Blankenship surging in the polls for the West Virginia Republican Senate primary, and I start to fear that we haven't even sniffed the bottom of the barrel when it comes to depravity of the GOP base. I can almost imagine Drumpf getting primaried from the RIGHT, by Harvey Weinstein with Dylann Roof as his running mate, with some sort of hideous pro-cancer, let's-outlaw-kittens platform. By mid-century, the Speaker of the House will be a damaged clone of Paul Ryan, who will attempt to reallocate the entire budget to research the Anti-Life Equation.
And now it seems Shart House lawyers are investigating several suspicious-as-fuck loans to the Kushner family bizness to see if young Jar-Jar has maybe been tabling the whole “Peace in the Middle East” thing in favor of the “Please bail my shitty family out of financial trouble, I have access to classified intelligence I'll tell you whatever you want to know” thing. If they find evidence of wrongdoing, I'm sure they'll just promote the fucker, like they did with Kellyanne Conway.
I see where Littlefinger wants to bring Rob Porter back, I guess because he misses those long fireside chats about abusing women. Dear god.
Fine. Bring ‘em all back. Porter and Mike Flynn and Seb Gorka and let's dig up Roy Cohn, prop him up in the corner, and make him Chief of Staff. Burn it all down before Bolton even shows up for first day of work, THAT'D SHOW ‘EM.
Congratulations, Dear Reader, on Surviving a Day in John Bolton's America (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Looking at my Facebook page, I discovered that yesterday was the 1-year anniversary of the first post in the series that would eventually become this blog. Things were kinda nutty that day, and I wrote “this is the most insane day in American politics that I have ever witnessed.” God, I was so young.
Anyhow. I want to start tonight's blog with an inspirational tale. (You can find all tonight's madness, with helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/congratulations-dear-reader-surviving-day-john-boltons-america/)
F. Scott Fitzgerald famously said, “there are no second acts in American lives.” I bring this up now both to seem fancy and intelligent, and also to talk about an American now seeing an unlikely late-career renaissance, which is the only reason anybody ever dusts off that old quote; to say FUCK YOU F. SCOTT FITZGERALD, YOU WERE SO FUCKING WRONG, I'VE GOT YOUR SECOND ACT RIGHT HERE.
Anyway. Back to the inspirational tale. You may want to put on some Vangelis for this shit.
Because in the United States of America, you can always bounce back, even after you've hit rock bottom. Even if you've been exiled from your field, shunned by even those who ought to be allies. Even if you should find yourself at the point where no reasonable human being would consider giving you post of any consequence, your dreams can still come true. You can climb back to the top of mountain. In fact, you can achieve heights you'd never known before.
God, that's inspirational as fuck. That's like doing an 8 ball in a room full of cat posters.
Regrettably, I'm talking John Bolton.
Yes, Bolton's wettest dream just came true, because Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops finally got tired of dumb ol’ H.R. McMaster making him eat his peas and telling him who he could and couldn't bomb. Because the Murderous Mustache couldn't possibly get through a confirmation hearing without being tased by at least 80 Senators, he gets to be National Security Advisor, spending his days frolicking around the Oval Office, dumping his fantasies of raining apocalyptic destruction down on Iran and North Korea and oh probably Switzerland those smug neutral clockmaking bastards directly into the brain of a willing rube who knows precisely shit about shit beyond how much he fears being seen as “weak.”
And there's no shortage of folks much smarter than me absolutely losing their shit over this appointment.
Me, I'm looking on the bright side. Knowing Bolton has President Skidmark's ear will give us all a renewed sense of gratitude, right? You'll be sitting around on a quiet Thursday afternoon, you'll look up from your phone and think to yourself, “Hey. The sun in shining and John Bolton hasn't gotten us all killed yet,” and that will be some straight zen shit.
...unless of course, on his very first day, he finishes his swearing-in and immediately marches over to the military aide that's carrying the nuclear football, shanks him, thrusts the briefcase into the President's (tiny, inadequate) hands, and says, “Let's end some civilizations, boss.”
Meanwhile, Diamond Joe Biden and The Man With Phalangeal Stunting keep threatening to beat each other up, but the only real loser in this fight is anyone who read a think piece about it.
John Dowd finally ran screaming from Fat Q*Bert's legal team, like the last survivor of a haunted house slasher flick. Dowd was reportedly tired of the President ignoring his advice, while Drumpf was in turn disappointed in his lawyer's inability to magically enable him to escape decades worth of criminal activity without consequences.
Dowd can now be spotted in various Washington, D.C. public parks, sniffing dandelions and giggling “I'm free....FREE!!!” to himself.
Rumored additions to the Shart's legal team have hit some snags. Perhaps slobbering maniacal telepundit Joseph diGenova isn't “right for the job” after all. Meanwhile all reputable firms keep turning the gig down, despite the attractive “I'm totally guilty, I won't listen to you, and I have a long history of refusing pay people” package the President offers.
Speaking of legal problemz, the Marmalade Shartcannon was issued a summons in an emoluments suit. I think there's room for zany farce about the Poo Mistake's lawyers struggling to keep his various lawsuits straight. Like, imagine the moment Jay Sekulow realizes he's mistakenly brought the injunction against Stormy Daniels releasing dick pics to the emoluments trial and wearily says “Your Honor, I did it again!” and then we cut to commercial.
A little much-needed good news here, as Kellyanne Conway solved the opioid crisis! If you crazy kids would just stop counting calories and allow yourself a french fry now and again, you wouldn't need drugs, you sillies! So we're replacing all the methadone clinics with Burger Kings, and the problem is TOTALLY SOLVED NOW.
Anyway, I'm gonna go re-cut TRAINSPOTTING so that Tommy deals with his emotional problems with junk food instead of heroin and winds up opening an artisanal ice cream shop with Sick Boy.
President String-of-Used-Anal-Beads-Found-on-a-Playground escalated his little hobby trade war with China, and the stock market tanked, which is what everyone said would happen. Oddly, the strategy of Firing Anybody Who Tells You What You Don't Want to Hear doesn't actually isolate one from the entirely predictable consequences of boneheaded decisions.
China wasted no time whatsoever in announcing retaliatory tariffs because THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS IN A TRADE WAR YOU DOORKNOB! They're hitting America's farmers particularly hard, in an effort to turn the President's political base against the steel tariffs. Again, Trade War 101.
Me, I say If China really wants to go after the MAGArat crowd, they should figure out some way to jack up the price of meth.
Guccifer 2.0, the hacker of the DNC, has officially been outed as a Russian intelligence officer, and not a 400 pound dude in his mom's basement. So yeah, further evidence that Putin n’ Palz perpetrated an attack on our nation, but please be sure to sign the “Congrats on Your Totally Legitimate Reelection, Vlad” card that's going around the office.
While they're damaging to Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet, I for one wish these sex scandal stories would go away, if only because I'm tired of the images they conjure...like a rotting sweet potato tumbling around in a laundromat dryer. Ew.
Karen McDougal described her affair with Littlefinger in an interview with CNN, saying he tried to pay her like a prostitute, and complimented her beauty by comparing her to, and YOU KNOW THIS WHERE THIS IS GOING...Ivanka.
...like, this shit is almost too uncouth for even ME to get into, but there are so many of these stories now...I just want a President who doesn't want to fuck his own daughter, okay? Is that asking so much?
Anyway, The Art of the Deal (For Dating!) hits shelves this fall.
Jim Risch is one of those Senators you never hear about. You kind of assume he just sits in the back row, playing Angry Birds on his phone, and passing notes with Jerry Moran making fun of Rand Paul during filibusters.
Anyway, Risch almost shut down the government because he found out the omnibus spending bill contained a provision renaming a forest after a dead guy he happens to hate. No jokes, friends. That is a true fuckin’ story. If we survive this shit, that's a Trivial Pursuit question.
Speaking of the spending bill, Wee Don decided the time had finally come to draw a line in the sand! “I can veto stuff, y'know!” he proclaimed, “And I'm not signin’ this here bill unless I get my Big Stupid Wall!”
And thus the Shart of the Deal rolled up and his sleeves, and set to work doing the one thing he is famous for doing, despite a rather conspicuous lack of evidence of any skill whatsoever in the field: DEALMAKING.
Within mere hours, the results were breathtaking! He waddled out for the cameras, whined for a few minutes, and, without extracting a concession on anything even as significant as the color of the paper the bill the was printed on, he signed the fucking thing anyway.
Truly I did not know what “awe” meant until that moment.
Oh, and he asked congress to grant him line-item veto powers. Old man, they don't even let you keep grown-up scissors in the Resolute desk.
Our old chum Georgie Papaderpaderp popped back up in the news today, and you have to credit the Drumpf campaign for entrusting so many weighty responsibilities to a coffee boy. Yes, he was wheelin’ and dealin’ all over the place, with the approval of high-ranking shitbirds like Mike Flynn and Steve Bannon, which contradicts another round of stories this administration has told us, and I'm starting to question these folks’ trustworthiness.
Scott Walker got sued because he was refusing to hold special elections in Wisconsin, and he lost, because I guess “We can't hold elections because we'd get our asses kicked, Your Honor, holy hell America's finally on to just how utterly devoid of decency the Republican Party really is,” didn't turn out to be a winning argument.
What else've we got? Ok, first of all, let me say, “The news is shitty enough this week, fuck you for making me think about Roy Moore again.”
Second of all, here's the latest Roy Moore news: a couple of his supporters, accompanied by a pair of Breitbart goons, excuse me, “reporters” tried to bribe a lawyer representing one of Judge Pedocreep's accusers. The pitch was apparently ten grand to sign a statement saying “this crazy broad is lying,” and giving BB the exclusive as a cherry on top.
Now, obviously, this is pretty fucking repulsive. But let me just say to the shitbags who attempted this little scheme, if you're gonna bribe somebody to risk their professional reputation, you best offer terms better than Ryan Zinke's door budget.
Ok, that's all I got, people. See you tomorrow at the March For Our Lives, right? Remember, we're gonna take Earl's guns first, and circle through the neighborhood counter-clockwise from there!
It's My Presidency, & I'll Congratulate Who I Want To, and Other Hits (ShowerCap/Ferret)
Days like this, I have to wonder if I'm in the Matrix, y'know? Hey, if I'm in the Matrix, and you're reading this and you control the Matrix, could I maybe get hooked to up to a less stressful environment? Like maybe Dresden during the firebombing?
(As usual, you can find this piece, with helpful links at: http://showercapblog.com/presidency-ill-congratulate-want-hits/)
Since superheroes are so popular these days (why, this very blog was composed by a masked marvel), let's start things off by meeting Washington's new super team; The Amazing, Uncanny, Fantabulous, Weather-Changing Jews! Yes, a D.C. city councilman (and a Democrat, I guess we can't let the opposition have ALL the lunatics) got all mad at “the Rothschilds” for making it snow. Anyhow, enjoy your “Sorry I'm a big idiot bigot” tour, Trayon White, and maybe readjust those dreams of a bright political future.
Velveeta Goebbel’s new strategy to surround himself with people who tell him only what he wants to hear is going swimmingly, thank you very much. He saw this dude, Joseph diGenova, on the teevee, babbling baseless conspiracy theories about the “Deep State,” or maybe the "Floating Little Fat People,” and said "PUT THIS MAN ON THE PAYROLL," because that's how his brain works, aren't you glad he can launch nuclear missiles whenever the whim strikes him?
Lord. Well, make sure he pays you up front, Joe.
Please God, let there be a televised trial. Please let the world watch this utterly unqualified clown car “legal team” try to defend this petty goon's decades-spanning criminal career. It'll be Devil's Advocate meets Dude, Where's My Car?
Il Douche also wanted to add Theodore Olson, who is a real actual lawyer, to his team, and that news was out there for about four minutes before Olson's firm hired a skywriter to spell out “FUCK NO” across the D.C. skies.
So we all know the Marmalade Shartcannon isn't exactly a policy wonk. He wants a Big Stupid Useless Wall, he wants to deport brown people, and beyond that...”whatever you want, Paul, just let me slap my name on it.”
But now he's got an idea of his very own, and he's prancing about like a boy who pulled up his pants for the very first time. He's like Harold Hill, singing “River City's gonna have A GREAT BIG FUCKING GALLOWS FOR DRUG DEALERS!”
Yeah, Donnie Two Scoops’ big idea is “Let's Murder Our Way Out of the Opioid Crisis.” The idea of implementing the death penalty for drug dealers is, of course, as psychotic as it is unconstitutional. It's also tremendously unpopular. It also reveals that our President envies a thug like Rodrigo Duterte, which is equal parts horrifying and embarrassing.
We were all thrilled to hear Sarah Huckabee Sanders declare the Austin bombings don't count as terrorism! Everyone immediately stopped feeling terrorized by the reign of terror that had previously gripped the city until the Shart House heroically proclaimed "Nah, white guy, not terrorism,” because everything was fine then. The bomber committed suicide, by bomb, so he was a LITERAL SUICIDE BOMBER, but somehow not a terrorist, thanks for clearing that up, Sarah.
Hey Cambridge Analytica, YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA! And you're 31 flavors of fucked now! Bragging about blackmail and hookers and all kinds of shady shit. Oh, and they're also quite proud of getting a certain Giant Orange Rectal Tumor elected, so they're unlikely to win many friends.
Anyway, CA has “suspended” Alexander Nix, while the Mercers have oh-so-cleverly shifted him over to brand new company they've decided to call “Emerdata Limited,” after briefly flirting with the name “Totally Not Cambridge Analytica Wink Wink.”
Facebook's taking the “sure we'll apologize and testify before Congress now that you've caught us with our pants down” tack, and if I have to watch a Jesse Eisenberg movie about this shit, heads are gonna fucking ROLL.
Dr. Ben Carson got dragged before congress for his “the FUCK are you doing spending 31 grand on a fucking table, Ben?” scolding, and he brought a bright, shiny, bus to throw his wife under. It was his wife who picked out the table, y’see, BROADS, AMIRIGHT, but then you have to ask WHAT THE LIVING FUCK MAKES YOU IMAGINE YOUR FUCKING WIFE IS ALLOWED TO SPEND TAXPAYER MONEY? and then Carson just got to go back to his job, without consequences, because ethics are for CUCKS.
Meanwhile, Noted Whacko/Tragically Somehow a U.S. CongressWhacko Claudia Tenney says it was the DEEP STATE that ordered the dastardly dining set, because where most human beings have a brain, Claudia has only a small malnourished vole, gnawing on a bleach-soaked cotton ball.
We learned what sorts of questions Rugged Robert Mueller wants to ask Baron Golfin von Fatfuk, which goes a long way towards explaining the week's Presidential Twitter Tantrums. Mueller wants to know things like “What was that ‘Comey firing’ thing all about?” and “You're a grown-ass man, why can't you tie a necktie to an appropriate length?”
And even as the President rages, the congressional GOP refuses to pass legislation to protect the Mueller investigation, I guess because they're hoping a comet ends all life on Earth before they face the inevitable reckoning for their craven collaboration.
When Pearl Harbor was bombed, Franklin Delano Roosevelt delivered the still-famous “Infamy Speech,” rousing and uniting the nation against the aggression of a warlike foe.
When Vladimir Putin attacked our democracy, and then further ordered a chemical weapons attack on the soil of our closest ally, Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Can I please have my allowance now, Vlad?”) delivered the equally-famous “Bro! Congrats on your big election win, You Oppressive Dictator, You!” phone call, uniting the nation once more, this time in shame.
Hitting the g-spot on the hilarious/tragic axis, we learned that the Accidental Poosquirt bucked his handlers...excuse me, “advisors,” who had actually written DO NOT CONGRATULATE on his briefing materials, possibly accompanied by a scratch n sniff sticker to make sure he noticed it.
I'm told General Kelly has had similar luck with his DO NOT PISS HERE signs, posted near various plants and historic vases in the West Wing.
Additionally, it turns out that Trump’s First Theorem of Pussy-Grabbing, “When you're a star, you can do anything,” is facing a number of serious challenges.
A judge ruled that Summer Zervos’ defamation lawsuit can proceed, despite the “But I'm the PRESIDENT” whining-based defense his lawyers have been pushing.
Plus, Karen McDougal is suing the company that owns the National Enquirer, looking to liberate her surely-revolting story of trumpgrinding from “catch and kill” purgatory.
And Stormy Daniels continues to be the skidmark down the crack of the President's white golf pants, with news of her “Yup, we boinked” lie detector test filling America's collective mind with entirely unwanted images. Oh, and her 60 Minutes interview, which will certainly be watched by more people than viewed Shart Garfunkel's inauguration ceremony, airs this Sunday.
The National Republican Congressional Committee took an odd little victory lap over a close race in the Democratic Party primary election in the Illinois 3rd last night. Yeah, guys...a centrist and a progressive ran neck-and-neck in that one. Maybe y’all forgot that an ACTUAL, LITERAL, NAZI ran unopposed on YOUR side of IL-03? Congrats on being the party running A NAZI for the United States Congress. Bonus points for the 20,000 GOP voters who said, Yessir, That Nazi is the Man to Represent Me in Washington!
MY party isn't running ANY Nazis. That's the end of any argument the NRCC feels like picking today.
Fux Nooz analyst Colonel Ralph Peters stole a bunch of office supplies, pissed on the break room floor, and resigned in a huff, sending a surly letter proclaiming his outrage about the network's transformation into a “propaganda machine.”
Ralph, what in the Blue Hell did you think Fox was before? I hope this guy leaves his brain to science, because I'd LOVE to learn at exactly what point during the decades of dishonesty, fear-mongering, sexism, racism, birtherism, homophobia, etc. his decency canary finally died. “Endless shrieking about Vince Foster is one thing, but at a certain point, a gentleman must say NO MORE.” Fuuuuuuuuck you.
Didja see where the RNC is paying the Drumpf Organization hundreds of thousands of dollars to hold events at properties the Grand Wizard Grifter owns? GodDAMN that shit makes me laugh. He's crotch-stomping your entire party, and you're paying him for the privilege. Like, “Thank you Mr. President, we couldn't have lost that Alabama Senate seat withoutcha! HAVE SOME MORE OF OUR MONEY.”
Friends, sometimes I feel like I feed you nothing but shit sandwiches on this blog, so I'm always happy when I can give you some good news.
And today? Today I have red velvet cupcake for you, with sumptuous cream cheese frosting. Today, for the first time in years, the NRA’s approval rating is under water. That's the sweetest news I've read since October, 2016.
Hey, remember the other day when Jeff Sessions un-recused himself just long enough to fire Andrew McCabe a few hours before he earned his pension? Well, funny story, it turns out Ol’ Beauregard was actually firing a guy who authorized an earlier investigation into...well, into JEFF SESSIONS over his wacky, under-oath-during-his-Senate-confirmation-hearings memory lapses about various meetings with Russians.
Now that's CRAZY. The Attorney General of the United States of America firing a dude who investigated him? And out of pure vindictiveness, since the guy was about to retire anyway? Holy shit.
Wanna know what's even CRAZIER?
Jeff Sessions will still be Attorney General tomorrow.
If Eric Holder did this, and if Obama were tied to the firing the way Drumpf is to McCabe's, the impeachment trial would start before today's bread goes stale.
Speaking of criminals in the executive branch, it looks like Kellyanne Conway's punishment for multiple Hatch Act violations will be...a promotion! A communications director famed worldwide for her comical lack of honesty? Makes sense t'me! Expect press briefings to begin with a moment of silence commemorating the victims of the Bowling Green Massacre.
Hey, Rick Saccone finally conceded, in that one special election. You remember. The one in the deep-red district Drumpfy won by 20 points? The one where he held a big fancy (Klan) rally? Yeah. That one. Hee hee hee.
There was a fun little story about the Saudi Crown Prince bragging about how he had his very own pet Jar-Jar inside the American government. Dude even says Kushner passed him classified intel on his enemies, that's fun! At least he didn't have a private e-mail server, RIGHT?
More bad news for the Weaseliest Grifter, as New York City opened new investigations into a dozen Kushner Korporation properties over their recently revealed history of Pulling Paperwork Directly Out of Their Asses. I'm starting to think that Jared boy is something less than honest.
Ok. That's what I've got, folks. I've probably missed a bunch of shit. I'm in the middle of a move, so things'll get a little spotty for the next few weeks. I beg your patience in advance.
McCabe Memos May Mean Mueller's Mission Manifests More Majestically (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Well, I've finally reached the point where blogging about the never-ending barrage of batshit crazy news actually prevents me from keeping up with the never-ending barrage of batshit crazy news.
I swear, not ten minutes after I got the last post up, that story broke about President Dunning-Kruger Overdrive strutting around at a fundraiser, all proud of himself for lying to Justin Trudeau about the U.S./Canada trade deficit. (Follow along, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/mccabe-memos-may-mean-muellers-mission-manifests-majestically/)
We could, I suppose, ruminate on the wisdom of publicly bragging about attempts to deceive our allies, but perhaps the bigger issue here is how Donnie Dotard seems to think he really put one over on ol' Justin. Like, maybe Canada'll just toss in Newfoundland as a little sweetener in the NAFTA renegotiations, because our tricksy President was just so wily.
As a further demonstration of his ferocious intellect, Il Douche pontificated at length during the same speech about how Japan keeps American cars out of their market by dropping bowling balls on them. Sigh. If only the Republican Presidential primary had administered a similar test.
Louisiana Senator John Kennedy, whose longtime opposition to gun control laws was predictably unshaken by the mass slaughter of children at Marjory Stoneman Douglas, leapt into action at the speed of light to propose a bill banning the stowing of pets in overhead bins on airlines, after ONE story of a puppy dying in such a bin drifted across his field of vision. I'm looking forward to the "I care more about dogs than your children" lawn signs next time Kennedy's up for reelection.
A State Department whistleblower says Team Treasonweasel conspired with the likes of Noot Gingrich to purge the diplomatic corps of anyone insufficiently loyal to Boss Shart. It's always good news when you can describe your government's behind-the-scenes maneuvering as "Stalinesque," right?
Well, with Russia hacking our power grid and murderin' folks left n' right in Merry Ol' England, (And even spiking the football in the media. Do Russians play football? Can you spike hockey pucks? I need a research team.) Shart Garfunkel finally figured he needed to impose juuuust enough sanctions to get the media off his back. Nothing adequate enough to actually address the problem, or deter further fuckery, not even the full sanctions authorized by Congress moths ago, but like, now Putin can't super size his fries for only 25 cents more. He's not allowed to use the fast checkout lane at American grocery stores, even if he only has twelve items or less.
Hey, looka here...Rugged Robert Mueller has subpoenaed the very Drumpf Organization itself, proving that now more than ever, shit is getting REAL. The Bobadook has demanded documents relating to any dealings with Russia and maybe other shady shit as well, we don't know, but Mueller does, and so does Donnie, which explains his weekend Twitter tantrums, tee hee.
Obviously, the Swiss Family Robinshart is none too pleased to have the Special Counsel pokin' around in their bizness. Eric is said to have frantically attempted to delete his browser history, but probably only actually managed to clear out his junk e-mail folder. So yes, little man, they know you google dirty pictures of your stepmom.
Shartboy Junior is indeed getting divorced, and I'm told we're not supposed to gloat about shit like this, but y'know...after more than a year of his shitty family looting our treasury and assaulting our press and using their ICEtapo to break up families...let me say FUCK THE HIGH ROAD. I'm gonna tapdance on your misery for a minute, Junior. I hope she takes you for everything you have, and I hope you die in jail without ever seeing your children, and then I hope you're buried under an outhouse. Fuck you. Fuck all of you forever.
There were so many rumors of staff turnover flying around last week, my news feed was like a middle school cafeteria. Was H.R. McMaster on the way out, replaced by John Bolton and his genocidal mustache? Would Scott Pruitt weasel his way out of his soundproof booth and into the Attorney General's chair? Would John Kelly prop up a mop wearing a hat behind his desk, and sneak out the back door while the rest of the monkeys pelted one another with poop?
And oh, how we all danced, like puppets on strings, because we have a reality television show instead of a government! Me, I'm happy to follow the drama, because as long as that cudbrained dipshit is focused on ratings, he isn't trying to, y'know...GOVERN THE FUCKING COUNTRY.
On today's episode of A&E's hit documentary series, The Best People, we profile Naved Jafry, an ambitious if not quite competent con man who figured the Drumpf Administration was THE place to be for an up-and-coming grifter. Anyhow, he got exposed by The Guardian, resigned from his HUD post before he even got a chance to dine at Dr. Ben's fancy new table, and for bonus fun, has finally been caught by the debt collectors who've been searching for him for years.
Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania published a study showing Orange Julius Caesar's campaign rallies came with a fun side effect: violence! Yes, a community hosting one of these feral assclown gatherings saw an average increase of 2.3 assaults!
I remember the good ol' days, when it never would've even occurred to anybody to look into the correlation between a candidate's events and a thuggery surge. Nobody ever wondered, "Is it just me, or do the emergency rooms fill up faster when John Edwards comes to town?"
With all these tales of lavish spending from the likes of Ben Carson and Ryan Zinke, apparently Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin has been slinking around in the background this whole time, sneering, "Fuckin' amateurs. Let me show you punks how a Goldman Sachs man grifts!"
And daaaaaaamn, Mnuchbag does NOT fuck around! A cool million for just eight trips? Are you raidin' the mini-bar, Steve-O? Or do we have Navy SEALs lugging Louise Linton's shopping around?
In the midst of the blowhard brinkmanship/game show host diplomacy games Smallhands Magoo has been playing with North Korea, you could be forgiven for forgetting we don't have an ambassador to South Korea. After a year and change. Oh, and the Secretary of State just got fired. So who's running the show?
Well, congratulate South Korea's Foreign Minister Kang Kyung-wha, she gets the PRINCESS UPGRADE! Yes, you no longer have to settle for a boring old DIPLOMAT, with their bland EXPERIENCE or QUALIFICATIONS, your new partner in nuclear needle-threading is a spoiled little rich girl who steals shoe designs!
John Kelly told a bunch of journalists a hilarious story about how he fired Rex Tillerson while he was on the crapper. "Weird coincidence there, Rexy, cuz we're about to flush YOU!" boasted the Chief of Staff, extending his arm for a high five which...never came.
Washington was the father of our country. Madison wrote the Bill of Rights. Lincoln freed the slaves and preserved the Union. Trump? Trump threatened to sue a porn star for 20 million bucks for speaking about the affair they had while his wife was pregnant with their child.
And Daniels' lawyer claims to have spoken to six other women with similar stories, including two with their very own NDAs (Michael Cohen gets 'em in bulk), so I'm left to wonder...am I the only person in America who ISN'T blackmailing the President?
The lawyer further claims Stormy has been physically threatened, and that at least some of the alleged fuckery from Camp Drumpf occurred since he's been President. When does he even find time to golf, amiright?
Of course you've heard Andrew McCabe has been fired, though not, it would seem, while pooping. Having stepped down from his previous post as Deputy Director of the FBI, and mere hours away from retiring, McCabe got canned at the last minute so as deny him his pension, because the President is petty little sphincter rash of a man.
And it turns out McCabe has memos, and he's already turned them over to Mueller, so that's fun. I bet a McCabe memo is much better than a Nunes memo. I bet Nunes memos see McCabe memos and just sit in the corner and feel bad about themselves for being such shitty memos.
For good measure, Dorito Mussolini decided to gloat about the firing on the Polyphonic Tweeting Machine, because in his walnut-sized brain, Neanderthal dominance displays are so important that he'll gladly provide more evidence in the obstruction of justice case against himself, while further alienating the entire American intelligence community, who he seems to have forgotten are investigating every nook and cranny of his shitty crooked life.
The master plan here is to paint the witnesses against him, Comey and McCabe, as a couple of dishonest schmucks making shit up to damage our poor, saintly, Blockhead in Chief out of vindictiveness over their firings. How he'll overcome the massive trust gap he's facing is a problem for another day, and will likely end up on Jared's desk.
President Skidmark's attorney, John Dowd, followed up by suggesting that the McCabe firing, which allegedly has nothing whatsoever to do with the Russia probe but was necessary because Andrew was so mean n' unfair to poor Hillary Clinton WINK WINK, was just the perfect opportunity to end the whole silly Mueller/Russia thang, y'know...as long as we're firing people.
Initially, Dowd said he was speaking on behalf of his client, but somebody (probably an intern) told him not to help the obstruction of justice investigation so much, so he later "clarified" that he was just kidding, he was just shootin' the shit as John Dowd, Totally Private Citizen Who Happens to Believe Rosenstein Should End the Mueller Probe! "Also, I enjoy long walks on the beach, James Patterson novels, and scat play!"
Drumpf Campaign Data Thugs Cambridge Analytica got caught illegally harvesting 50 million Facebook users' personal data, the better to microtarget angry rubes with divisive misinformation. This might explain the ads I saw claiming "Hillary Clinton views male cat owners as sissies."
Facebook says "Oh this is very bad indeed. Now that it has been discovered. It was totally cool a week ago, but that was before everybody knew about it. It's bad now, and Cambridge A is banned, which means we don't get any more of their sweet sweet money, FUCK YOU, JOURNALISM."
So, the FEC is investigating whether or not the blood-crazed murder fanboys of the National Rifle Association took a bunch of Russkie oligarch money during 2016 and filtered it to a certain Rancid Grapefruit's campaign.
I dunno, folks. I don't wanna get too greedy. Could this shitstorm really take down not only the Sam's Club economy-sized tub of the worst people in conservative politics, but the fucking NRA, too? If I find out Mueller is investigating that dickhead supervisor I had at Borders back in college, I'll know this whole thing is just an elaborate prank on me personally.
What else is going on? Ho hum, the Kushner Klan fudged some documents in order to cheat tenants out of their rent-controlled apartments. Isn't it neat that Jar-Jar gets to be of the most powerful men in the country now? The line between this new conservative populism and feudalism is...blurrier than I was led to believe.
Elfin Klansman Jefferson Beauregard Sessions th'Third proclaimed "our integrity is our brand" in justifying his shanking of Andrew McCabe, but it turns out he may not be the greatest brand ambassador.
Sessions, who has never lied under oath about his contact with the Russians except for all those times when he totally did, has claimed to have boldly stood up an eager wannabe colluder the world would come know as George Papadopolous. To hear the AG tell it, when Young Georgie proposed some naughty things, Jeff immediately slapped him with an American flag and gravely intoned, "Let us nevah, EVAH speak of this agayuhn," but now other attendees of the meeting in question are telling the Mueller investigation that Ol' Beau is full of Alabama horseshit, which is like regular horseshit, only more racist.
And everybody congratulate the President's immediate supervisor, Vlad Putin, on his landslide reelection victory, garnering an astonishing 103% of the vote! You know the Poo Mistake sees this on his phone, and lets out a long, envious, sigh, resentful that Mattis won't let him use novichok on CNN headquarters.
Anyway, I hope you'll all support me for another six-year term as Grand Imperator and Most Handsome Blogger on High here at this humble blog site. If I had any opponents, I'd totally polonium 210 their asses, but I think I'm running unopposed.
PS - Proving my initial point, JUST as I was getting ready to post, ANOTHER story broke, about the Velveeta Vulgarian forcing high-ranking staff to sign non-disclosure agreements about their time in the Shart House, when they work for the people of the United States of America. On the one hand, it's cute that he thinks these agreements would be in any way enforceable. On the other, the dictatorial impulse behind such an act is...less cute.
Another Day in the Eye of the Shitstorm, But Between the National School Walkout and Conor Lamb
Y'know, I figured I'd take a couple days off, detox from the never-ending cray-cray news infusion. I come back and find both Toys R' Us and Stephen Hawking died? What the fuck? I CAN'T LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR TWO FUCKING DAYS, CAN I?
(Anyhow. Post is available, with links, on my lil' ol' blog site, http://showercapblog.com/another-day-eye-shitstorm-national-school-walkout-conor-lamb-suns-peeking/)
Only in this Monkeys Forever Throwing Shit at the Wall administration can a dangerously incompetent buffoon who's been recklessly undermining the nation's strength and security FINALLY lose his job, and somehow everyone's left worried things will get worse.
Yes, Low-T Rex is out at Foggy Bottom (Saying "Foggy Bottom" instead of "the State Department sure does make me sound all fancy, doesn't it? Like a real fuckin' pundit, not just some jackass in a superhero bathrobe telling poop jokes.) to be replaced by Mike "Just as Unqualified, But a Reliable Yes Man" Pompeo, so yes, there's still further to fall.
Yet again, because his unnatural orange hue fades to yellow around the belly area, Tangerine Idi Amin was not man enough to fire Tillerson face to face, opting instead to simply announce the personnel change via tweet, and let Rexy figure it out for himself. It's amazing that a guy can be that cowardly and still imagine he has what it takes to get North Korea to disarm, isn't it?
Of course Weefinger McGillicuddy lied about even this, and when an official at State called him out on the lie, well, that guy got fired too, probably via a folded up note Donnie had Stephen Miller slip under the door while everybody was on their lunch break.
For extra fun, sources say General John Kelly told Tilly "Hey, be on the lookout for a special tweet just for you, Rex!" and Rex got all excited because he thought he was getting a surprise party at Dave and Buster's but he got fired instead. I'd be sad for him if he wasn't such a destructive asshole, but...he was.
With Pompeo moving over to State (Or "Foggy Bottom," wink wink), you're probably wondering who'll be taking over his old gig, heading up the CIA. After all, it's getting pretty toough for Team Shart to attract top-level talent, like asking people to step on an elevator after the cable snapped and it's rapidly plummeting to the bottom of the shaft. While on fire. With disco-period Rod Stewart playing on the loudspeakers.
But never fear, we've found a candidate who not only oversaw a secret CIA black site where horrific acts of torture took place, but also destroyed the video evidence! Yeah, Gina Haspel will fit right won't she? Jesus fuck. It's only a shame Charles Manson died so recently, I'm sure he would've been shortlisted for this post.
Speaking of staff turnover, Fat Q*Bert's personal assistant, John McEntee, got fired, and in fact, booted from the White House without even his coat, because he's being investigated by the Department of Homeland Security for "serious financial crimes." For the life of me, I can't imagine how "serious" your "financial crimes" have to be before DHS gets involved, but Mr. Manatee is surely lucky that Reince Priebus no longer works there, because you know he would've snatched up that sweet coat in the chaos.
Of course, the criminal history won't be an obstacle in John's new gig, on the Committee to Reelect the Poostain, or whatever they're calling the campaign. He'll be joined by Katrina "I am a Lunatic Who Wears Bullet Necklaces" Pierson, who is a lunatic who wears bullet necklaces.
Getting back to our Cabinet o' Crooks, remember when Ben Carson proclaimed himself to be shocked, SHOCKED that some villainous underling ordered a lavish, $31,000 dining set for his HUD office? Well, you may want to sit down (ideally on a chair costing more than five grand, but y'know...make do with what's handy), but the fellah who has a painting of himself chillin' with Jesus LIED TO US.
Yep, turns out that while Dr. Ben is totally lacking in anything resembling qualifications to run HUD, he's super good at picking out ridiculously expensive furniture to piss taxpayer money away on! Thanks, Doc! We didn't want to repair any dumb ol' bridges or anything with that money!
Rumors a-plenty regarding further staff changes...swapping David Shulkin for Rick Perry? Jeff Sessions for Scott Pruitt? H.R. McMaster for Bloodthirsty Mustachioed Psychopath John Bolton? HOW IS IT THAT WE CAN BE REPLACING THE SHITTIEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WITH EVEN SHITTIER PEOPLE? DOES HE POST JOB OPENINGS EXCLUSIVELY IN PORT-A-POTTIES?
A federal judge says Paul Manafort faces up to 305 years in prison for his money launderin' and tax evadin' and whatnot. Wow. 305 years. I've watched enough OZ to know that if he spends any significant chunk of that in the gym, he's gonna be fucking JACKED when he gets out.
Roger Stone may've gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar, as WaPo reports he was bragging to his buddies as early as spring of 2016 about how Wikileaks had been snooping around in John Podesta's (digital) drawers. Stone insists this is all the fakest of gnus, and coming from a dude whose mantra is "Admit nothing, deny everything," we're all super convinced, we promise.
Aw hell, now Stormy Daniels' lawyers are hinting at a sex tape? GROSS. In unrelated news, I'll be launching a series of Shower Cap branded barf bags & buckets, with a launch time coincidentally coinciding with the hypothetical tape's release. Operators are standing by.
Coming soon to a multiplex near you, a special Midnite Double Feature: JAGOFFS GETTING SUED!!!!!
You'll marvel!!! As the lying propagandists of Fux Nooz finally face consequences for exploiting one family's tragedy for ratings and disinformation!!! See Seth Rich's parents stalk the reprehensible asshats who slandered their murdered child for the sake of a ridiculous, entirely fabricated conspiracy theory!!!
Then, if you DARE, stay for our second feature!!!!
You thrilled as he was vanquished by Yogurt!!! You oooed and aaahed as he lost custody of his children for being for being a hate-mongering lunatic shitsack!!! Now revel!!! As Doughy RageGoon Alex Jones gets dragged through the courts for accusing a random guy of being some sort of sinister deep state operative!!!
IN STUNNING 3-D FUCKHEAD-O-VISION!!!!
I see one of the dicktumors who submitted a pitch to build Shart Garfunkel's Big Stupid Useless Wall got himself arrested for bombing a mosque. Tell me more about the "economic anxiety" animating this movement. I'm all fucking ears.
An ICEstapo spokesman resigned because he was tired of lying for shitty racist turdweasels. Somewhere, in the Saddest Bar in the World, Sean Spicer heard this news and cried in shame until he was thrown out for making the other customers uncomfortable.
In a fun Holy Crap We're Lucky to Be Alive With This Twit in Charge double-whammy, our Idiot Manchild President demonstrated that he doesn't know how to spell "Marine Corps," (or perhaps more accurately just doesn't give a fuck) yet also wants a new branch of the military, that would operate in space and that he would call SPACE FORCE because not only does he have the mind of a sixth grade boy, but it's a dumb, mean, lazy, violent, sixth grade boy.
Further demonstrating his immense respect for the military, we learned Donnie Two-Scoops charged the Department of Defense almost $140,000 for use of his shitty, tacky hotels and clubs over just eight months. Betcha George Washington's kicking himself for not thinking up that little grift himself.
How about that Conor Lamb, huh? Squeaked out a win in a district so red, "Maddow" is a swear word there. I'm not gonna lie to you folks, I'm positively HORNY about the blue wave coming this November, but I was sure this particular district was just a bridge too far.
I'm happy to wrong.
Especially since the sad, sorry, morning-after GOP spin is so fucking hilarious. Hey, it's great that this district Government Cheese Goebbels won by 20 points came down to a few hundred votes! The President sure was a "closer," ranting about Chuck Todd and Maxine Waters! Hell, Lamb practically ran as a Republican, (this after weeks of painting him as umbilically attached to Nancy Pelosi, mind you) with his...Obamacare-supporting, union-embracing ways.
Yup, everything's going your way, kids. Don't change a thing.
Theresa May booted 23 Russian "diplomats" right outta Great Britain, saying "Oh and DO let the door hit you in the borscht-hole on the way out, TOODLE PIP, BITCHES!" It was sorta shocking to see a leader actually retaliate against Russia, after a year and change of that collaborating orange fellow.
The Montana GOP, taking a page out of the Putin playbook, seems to have dispatched an employee on a mission to run for the really-awfully-vulnerable Jon Tester's Senate seat on the Green Party ticket, hoping to siphon a few votes from the Self-Righteous Blockhead crowd.
I tell you what, third party voters...if we lose control of the Senate because of your smug asses, I am tracking you down, Liam-Nelson style, and farting directly in your mouths. Count on it.
Larry Kudlow, who isn't an economist but plays one on teevee, replaces Gary Cohn as the guy in charge of shouting "Stop, you fool! You'll mcrash the entire global economy" at President Toddler. That there are still people willing to jump into the reputation-shredding meat grinder of this administration is downright fascinating, and should be the subject of extensive psychological studies.
I tell you what, friends...I know getting constantly pelted by all this ridiculous shit can be exhausting and discouraging, but I'm walking away from today's news inspired as fuck.
Why? These kids! These Marjory Stoneman Douglas kids and the movement they've sparked! Did you see this National School Walkout? Coast to coast, folks. I don't know how many thousands of young people, making themselves heard! Demanding gun control. Many under threat of suspension. Some even getting arrested.
They're writing op-eds. Raising money. Registering to vote. Targeting NRA stooge politicians. And they've got ANOTHER nationwide event, the March for Life, still to come.
The slobbering gun nut crowd is NOT taking this well. There's a tradition to adhere to, see? Every so often a bunch of innocent people get slaughtered, we bicker about it for a day or two, mumble some insincere Thotz-n'-Prairz bullshit, and go on about our lives...those of us who're still actually y'know...alive.
But we've veered off-script this time. And the NRA and their lackeys don't know how to handle it, so they just keep demonizing these kids, who are of course, survivors of a horrific tragedy, so the attacks keep turning back on the attackers...like turd boomerangs.
So yeah, when one Maine GOP office-seeker derided Emma Gonzalez, one of the Parkland movement's leaders, a "skinhead lesbian," he got famous real quick. It's great that the droolingly-nutty gun crowd is finally getting painted as hateful, unreasonable, maniacs, because, well, they're hateful, unreasonable, maniacs.
Oh, and I see Shart, Jr. is getting divorced? Golly. I wonder who gets custody the Goshdarnit I Just Can't Wait to Collude With You, Russian Spy Lady e-mails...
So yeah, it's been another insane stretch, sure...but I think I'm starting to see the twinkle of that sweet light at the end of tunnel...know what I mean?
PS - And now another Drumpf organization lawyer got swept up in the Stormy Daniels story? KEWL. Isn't having a President who pays blackmail FUN?
Betsy DeVos' Media Tour: Is Our Education Secretary Learning? (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Hey folks, sorry for not checking in over the weekend. I went on a little bender, drunk out of my mind on Martin Shkreli's tears. I woke up behind a Wendy's dumpster clutching what I had initially believed was an exclusive Wu-Tang Clan album, but which turned out to be a slightly soiled Justin Bieber calendar.
Let's jump right into the hilarity (with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/education-secretary-learning-betsy-devos/), with the Velveeta Urinal Cake's legal team, and their amusing offer to swap Bob Mueller an interview with their client in exchange for a speedy resolution to all Drumpf-related aspects of the investigation, in let's say, oh, 60 days or so?
...there aren't a lot of photos of Mueller laughing, so I hope somebody thought to document the moment he heard about that particular little gambit.
You know what sucks? Compromise, that's what. So, ok, the military has agreed to piss maybe as much as $30 million away on a parade so the Bonespur Buttplug can feel like a Big Tuff Dictator for an afternoon, but he won't be able to roll tanks through the streets of Washington D.C., because they'd "damage the infrastructure," STUPID CUCK STREETS.
Who knows if Lil' Donnie Two-Scoops will even still want his dumb ol' parade if he can't have tanks? What's the point of even being President, amright?
Steve Bannon, rejected by every man, woman, and child in his native country, decided it was time for a "Drink Prey Hate" voyage of self-discovery, and finally cashed in all those unused vacation days from that silly little Nazi blog he used to run. He popped over to France to bloviate in front of shitty white nationalist losers from a different country for a change. Refreshing.
He told them being labeled (accurately) as racist was "a badge of honor," or I guess "honour" since he was in Europe. No time for dog whistles when you've hit the bottom of the barrel. And licked it dry.
Maybe this is Bannon's next big move: Hate Tourism! See (and sneer at) the world alongside like-minded knuckle-dragging morons! He can call it "Mein Kruise!"
...Richard Spencer would certainly be interested, since he's called off his college campus tour due to an inability to find safe spaces. Or, y'know, audiences.
Didja see where the Man With Phalangeal Stunting has been shopping around for a lawyer with Presidential impeachment experience? "He was just asking for a friend," Sarah Huckabee Sanders feebly offered, before remembering her boss, being completely unworthy of love, has no friends.
The American President's immediate supervisor, Vlad Putin, weighed in on Russian interference in American elections with a casual "Hey, maybe it was Jews," because he's classy like that.
Sam Nunberg abandoned his early-week bravado, and sat down for a lengthy interrogation with Team Mueller. Afterwards, Sad Sack Sam came to two key conclusions:
1. The Russia investigation is anything but a "witch hunt."
2. He really likes going on TV and having people pay attention to him.
Seriously, did this fucker clone himself? He is on television every fucking hour of the day. He'll be presenting at the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards, where he'll be forcibly removed from the stage during a rambling monologue about Roger Stone's potential legal exposure.
The Marmalade Shartcannon had himself a rough week. Cabinet scandals, tariff troubles, daily escalations on the Stormy Daniels front, and that whole thing where he thought he was a Big Diplomat Hero with North Korea but was actually just an out-of-his-element goon getting played by a tyrannical thug. So he turned to General Kelly and said. "I need to unwind. Get me a room full of the shittiest white people in Pennsylvania. We're gonna have ourselves a KLAN RALLY!"
"Mr. President, we should probably just call it a 'rally.'"
"You spoil all my fun, John!"
So yeah, in the name of propping up the flailing candidacy of this yammering nitwit named Rick Saccone, Il Douche wandered over to the Pennsylvania 18th to babble like a meth-addled street preacher for a bit. He lied a bunch, and talked about how great he is (lotta overlap in those two categories, of course), and attacked the press (for...sleepiness?), and said some racist shit (If Donnie wanted to challenge Maxine Waters to chess, or Trivial Pursuit, or even a second grade spelling test, I am HERE FOR IT.) and some sexist shit (I guess only white women count as women, neat!), and of course the crowd full of drooling HateYokels ate it right up.
Anyway, the most recent polling shows the Embracing-Drumpf-So-Hard-He's-Basically-Humping-His-Leg Saccone actually TRAILING Democrat Conor Lamb in a district Sharty McFly carried by 20 points in 2016. And the GOP's frantic expectation-lowering efforts have sunk to the depths of claiming this deep-red district is basically downtown San Francisco, political-makeup-wise.
Anyway, Treasury Secretary/Jelly-Spined Sycophant Steve Mnuchbag found the President's belched-up stream-of-consciousness bigotdrivel "funny," but hell, he produced COLLATERAL BEAUTY, so forgive me for declining to defer to his critical analysis.
I guess Betsy DeVos was concerned that maybe somebody somewhere in America thought she might be almost qualified to do her job, so she went on 60 minutes to dispel all doubt. Betsy's lucky she was born rich. She'd never have survived otherwise, in this world of sliding doors and canned food.
Word on the street is that Boisterous Bob Mueller could be close to wrapping up his obstruction o' justice inquiry, but may not announce the results for the time being, so as to avoid interference with the other aspects of the probe.
See, Team Shart's many crimes are like an all-you-can-eat buffet; and maybe the Bobadook has had enough fried chicken (obstruction) for now, but he's gonna go back to the bar for more salad (collusion), maybe some of that foamy Jell-O stuff (money laundering), or corn on the cob (hacking and leaking DNC e-mails). Maybe there's something new and fun and different on the buffet, too...something we don't even know about yet. Like teriyaki salmon. Or, I dunno...braised antelope. We just don't know.
Gosh, it seems like only a couple of weeks ago when Dorito Mussolini vowed to support bold new gun control measures, taunting Senators for being "afraid of the NRA."
...oh, right.
Anyhow, Wayne LaPierre must've taken the President out behind the woodshed over the weekend, because he's absolutely pissing-his-pants terrified of the NRA now. Gone are the promises to ban bump stocks and raise age limits, replaced only with some bullshit about arming teachers, a proposal that, AND THIS IS REALLY WEIRD, would mean...SELLING A FUCKTON MORE GUNS.
Odd how the NRA's ideas always seem to revolve around enriching gun manufacturers, isn't it? I'm sure it's only coincidence.
Oh, and after the Republican-controlled Florida government passed some modest gun control laws, the murder-gorged demons of the NRA didn't even wait for the ink of Governor Scott's signature to dry before suing to block the measure, because they simply cannot abide the tyranny of a young man who is not yet old enough to buy his own beer being denied his Gawd-Given Right to purchase a machine than can end dozens of human lives in a few short seconds.*
To visit an even bat-shittier corner of the gun debate, one conservative "thought leader" published a horny little fanfic about how he can hardly wait to start slaughterin' libtards in the rapidly approaching CIVIL WAR II: WINGNUT BOOGALOO.
Not to be all controversial or anything, but maybe a documented history of fantasizing about murdering people you disagree with should be disqualifying when it comes to purchasing semi-automatic rifles.
Stormy Daniels helpfully offered to refund her blackmail payment in return for the right to tell the world just how much our President likes being peed on, or whatever other horrors she's privy to. And so the Daniels story continues to grow, now having engulfed not only the sitting President of the United States of America, but also a notary in Texas.
Hey, remember that time one of our most loyal allies was the victim of a chemical weapons attack on their native soil, and they said "Russia did it," and the American President refused to back them up, or help them retaliate against the attacker, or even go so far as to say "Well shit, that fucking suxxx, bro?"
I guess "America First" is expressed by waving a single finger in the air at our greatest friends. The middle one.
The craven Republican treasonweasels of Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes' House Intelligence Committee threw a surprise party for their investigation into Russia interference, where the surprise was "We're ending it! Oh, and there was no collusion, we totally checked, and also the President's fingers are not only of normal length, but frankly a little on the long side."
Needless to say, the Democrats on the panel aren't having this shit, and even Republican Intel member Tom Rooney says his committee "lost all credibility." Adam Schiff congratulated his collaborating coworkers on all the shit they'll get to eat whenever new developments in the Russia investigation surface.
Just so we're clear here, this committee found out literally just a few days ago that Erik Prince lied to them under oath about his Sexy Secret Seychelles...S'meeting, and they're closing up shop anyhow. Never interviewed Manafort, Never interviewed Papaderpaderp, Flynn, or Gates, who I'll remind you are confessed felons.
And I see Tangerine Idi Amin is now trying to bully NATO allies into upping their military spending in exchange for sanctions relief. Look, Donnie, just because YOU'RE so willing to be blackmailed doesn't mean sovereign nations will follow suit. Ass.
Y'know what? It's actually been kind of a quiet stretch lately. Yeah. All the shit you just read...qualifies as "slow news" under our new, perpetually-besieged-by-insanity standards. Hell, I almost didn't write tonight.
* For optimal effect, read this sentence in a really cartoony southern accent. Like, Charles-Laughton-playing-an-Alabama-lawyer cartoony.
Dude Who Cant Stop His Staff From Buying $140,000 Doors Thinks He Can Disarm North Korea. (Ferret)
I've said it before, folks, but SHIT BE CRAY. A few short days ago, Nunberg-Mania was running wild, and now I can't even remember the sad fucker's first name.
Let's wade into the fever swamp, shall we? (With links at: http://showercapblog.com/dude-cant-stop-staff-buying-140000-doors-thinks-can-disarm-north-korea-makes-sense/)
My friends, I am running out of tears. First, Roy Moore passed the hat around, for he cannot even afford bus fair to the mall anymore. And now? Now, poor, traitorous Michael Flynn has been forced to sell his house in order to pay all the legal bills he has accumulated as a result of betraying his country. Have you tried asking Turkey for money, Mike?
A Special Counsel found Kellyanne Conway had committed multiple violations of the Hatch Act, for which she will not be disciplined at all, because the executive branch doesn't want anyone to get in the habit of applying the rule of law where they're concerned.
What's really fun about this little episode is how the Shart Administration appointed the Special Counsel, presumably at significant expense, to investigate the matter, and then just decided to piss on his findings.
What a shitty way to set taxpayer money on fire! C'mon guys, we should at least get a really nice dining room set, or a trip to Wimbledon, or a super-rad soundproof booth out of it!
Seems somebody on the House Intelligence Committee, someone who may or may not partake of the odd act of recreational porcine copulation, has been leaking closed-door testimony to the Velveeta Vulgarian's right hand thug, Michael Cohen.
Devin Nunes is basically William H. Macy in the last act of FARGO right now. Everything's spun farther out of his control than he ever imagined was possible, and he's frantically scrambling for some Deux ex Machina deliverance from the consequences of his actions.
People poke fun at Dorito Mussolini for all the "executive time" blocked out on his schedule, but I think he's busier than we give him credit for. Shit, he's got all that witness-tampering to catch up on, for starters!
Yes, the Failing New York Times reports the Candycorn Skidmark has been pestering those who've testified before the Mueller investigation, just, y'know, wondering how it went, and IF YOU BETRAYED ME.
"You didn't mention the treason, did you? Don't tell them about the treason! Also, tell everybody that Salma Hayek calls all the time, but I turn her down because I don't think she's all that hot anymore."
Oh, and this George Nader weasel who's cooperating with the Mueller probe seems to be filling in the gaps about that shady January 2017 Seychelles meeting between Celebrity Mercenary Erik Prince and a Putin Pal.
I imagine Erik will be investing heavily in Republican House races this year, because it sure fucking looks like he lied to Congress, and he really needs to keep that gavel in ol' Pigfucker Nunes' congealed-bacon-grease-crusted hands if he wants to stay out of jail.
So, the President is being sued by a porn star, because of course he is. There are all sorts of sordid details that I'm not going to get into here because A) You've already heard them and B) I don't want to think about that guy rutting.
And C), most importantly of all, the REAL takeaway here is that THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES PAID BLACKMAIL. Which makes him an unthought-of security risk to our whole fucking country. My god, if Stormy Daniels can do this to him, Putin could probably make him bark like a dog on CNN if the fancy struck him.
In the midst of all the porny stuff, you could be forgiven for not noticing that tiny little story floating around where Commander of the U.S. European Command Curtis M. Scaparrotti says "Oh, that thing where Russia attacks our elections? Yeah, we're basically doing jack shit about that."
And then you're like, "Oh right, our President has a number of diverting sexual misadventures and is also simultaneously refusing to defend the country from an ongoing assault by a hostile foreign power, how unusual!"
Gary Cohn, the last high-ranking White House official who could tie his own shoelaces, resigned after failing to talk his pudding-brained boss out of starting a trade war. Cohn's tenure was promptly eulogized as "You stood by him after the Very Fine People thing, THAT'S your legacy, nobody thinks you're brave for quitting NOW, Gary."
President Spit-Jar-at-an-Orange-Crush-Tasting finds all the stories about staffing turmoil quite unflattering, and insists that he has all kinds of rats lining up to climb aboard his sinking ship.
Why, look at all the applicants lining up for Gary's old job!
Hark! Hipster Huckster Hope Hicks Hacked!
Yes, on her way out the door, the Presidential Security Blanket told House Intel one of her e-mail accounts was hacked, but oddly the recent focus on electronic security seems to have been dropped now that it isn't needed as an anti-Hillary cudgel. HUH.
Turnout in the Texas primaries was encouraging, and we have our Senate match-up: Ted Cruz vs. Not Ted Cruz, Which is Honestly Good Enough, Right?
(Actually Beto O'Rourke is the right man for the job, I'm a big fan, and you should give him a few bucks if you can spare it.)
Cruz launched his general election campaign with an ad attacking Beto for changing his name to fit in...which is amusing coming from a "Ted" whose real name is "Rafael." It's like if Pee Wee Herman cut an ad saying "My opponent jacks off in movie theatres."
In coming weeks, expect Cruz to hit O'Rourke for his "phony preacher's cadence," his "exceptionally punchable face," and the way he "rolls over submissively to a man who insulted his own wife and father."
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III headed out to California, like some Goober Bigot Clampett, to yell at the locals for refusing to transform into the Mediocre RageYokel Police State of his wettest dreams.
In pimping his beloved ICEtapo, Ol' Beau even went so far as to invoke the Civil War, popping what I can only assume was the final creaking, dusty, boner of his shitty, misbegotten life.
Education Secretary Betsy DeVos swung by Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, I guess because she imagined a blink-and-you'll-miss-it photo opp with a ghoulish, out-of-touch, autocrat was just what those traumatized kids needed.
Anyway, Betsy laid a wreath, held a wee press conference just long enough to demonstrate the speed at which she'll flee tough questions, and quickly scampered back to the bubble that's provided her with life's every privilege and comfort without demanding so much as a single afternoon's honest work of her.
Despite losing his security clearance, (and a conspicuous lack of diplomatic training/experience/respect) Jared Kushner was dispatched to Mexico to smooth things over. I confess I'm curious who imagined that was a good plan. Oh, and for good measure, he didn't let the actual Ambassador to Mexico tag along with any of her pesky expertise.
Fortunately, Shower Cap has spies everywhere. I've obtained the following EXCLUSIVE TRANSCRIPT of the Boy Blunder's conversation with Mexican Foreign Minister Luis Videgaray:
JK: So, we'd really like you to pay for this wall thing.
LV: Yeah, we're not gonna do that.
JK: C'mon, it's only $20 billion or so. It'd really calm Dad down. (Don't tell him I called him "Dad," by the way.)
LV: Sorry, the answer is still no.
JK: Please?
LV: ...no, now about these tariffs -
JK: Pretty please?
LV: Mr. Kushner, we should move on to more productive topics, why not -
JK: Ok, I shouldn't do this, but I'll tell you what: if you guys pay for the wall, I'll let you in on a sweet Manhattan real estate investment opportunity. For just 300 billion, you can -
LV: You know the way out, yes?
JK: ...I do.
Speaking of morons in over their heads, somebody should tell Rick Perry, the Smart Guy Glasses aren't working. Rikki Tikki Tavi lamented the immorality of pushing renewable energy, because he thinks there's a binary choice between burning fossil fuels till we choke and huddling in caves, begging the Rain God to favor our crops. He's the Secretary of Energy, by the way. Sleep tight.
KKKris KKKobach seems to be making an ass of himself in court, defending one of his shitty voter ID laws from the ACLU. It must hurt poor KKKris, being so bad at the one thing he loves most. He's like, the Florence Foster Jenkins of voter suppression.*
Precious Paul Manafort pleaded not guilty to his latest indictment, and everyone believed him SO HARD. The judge said, "Good enough for me, you got an honest face, kid," and threw out the charges!
...just kidding, the trial's set for July.
Lil' Donnie Two-Scoops officially announced his precious tariffs, but after insisting he wouldn't back down, he backed down and exempted Canada and Mexico and also said other countries could negotiate their own exemptions.
You know he's got visions of being hailed as the Patron Saint of Dealmakers dancing around in his fat, experimental-hair-tonic-addled, head, but the rest of the world is already promising retaliatory tariffs of their own, and the only "deal" anyone is going to offer him is "We'll stop when you stop."
And all the suffering and loss of wealth that takes place in the interim? Don't fucking look at me, I voted for the grown-up.
I tell you what, folks, the All-Night Drumpf Cabinet Grift Disco DOES NOT STOP! Ryan Zinke, in a bid to reclaim the coveted Golden Toilet Seat (Signifying "most frivolous waste of taxpayer money"
from Dr. Ben "I don't sit in no peasant chairs" Carson, decided there was no finer use for $139,000 than a shiny new door for his office!
I gotta say, I'm curious as to just what a six-figure door looks like. Best be some Lorenzo Ghiberti shit.
And now I see Kim Jong Un has invited Littlefinger over for an Assclown Summit! They can talk about hair care products and having family members murdered!
Seriously though, the horrifyingly repressive monsters of the North Korean regime have played Donnie Dotard's ego like a fiddle, and he's giddily giving them the legitimacy they've always craved. Nice work, genius.
Fuckhead was all proud of himself, too. Popped his head into the briefing room earlier to boast about the pending news, like a toddler who finally shit on the floor instead of in his pants.
Anyway, if the Poo Mistake does wind up in a bilateral meaning with Un, expect him to barter away half the Pacific fleet, and probably Hawaii. But oh, you won't believe the shininess of the beads he gets in return!
Ok. I'm pretty sure I missed a couple things today, lots on my plate. Forgive me, Shower CapTives, I'll be more thorough soon enough!
*Second FFJ joke in Shower Cap Blog history! You know I'll be searching for more...
And Lo, Just When We Thought Things Couldn't Get Crazier, There Came Unto Us...a Nunberg (Ferret!)
Everybody keeps saying "this is not normal," and they're right, but it's been a year now, so what if this is just what normal looks like now? What if we spend the rest of our lives navigating a media landscape that looks like a war between Wonderland and Living Island that went nuclear?
(As always, full post, with links...and you'll need 'em today...at: http://showercapblog.com/there-came-unto-us-nunberg/)
I'd barely wrapped up yesterday afternoon's update when word of a brand new Mueller subpoena broke. And it was...big. The Bobadook is looking into e-mail communications among the major players now. Hicks. Manafort. Bannon. Cohen. The Marmalade Shartcannon himself.
...no wonder the President set off a trade war in a fit of colic.
We wondered who received and leaked this subpoena, but figured that'd have to remain secret for now. Not like you'd expect the guy to go on a day-long drunken media bender or anything.
Rudy Giuliani, a creepy old dude with the skull of a Mars Attacks! alien and the teeth of a New York City sewer gator, apparently made a crack about Hillary Clinton's physical appearance at a Marm-a-Lago fundraiser over the weekend. I'm sure Hilldawg will cry herself to sleep over her failure to meet your beauty standards, you Strip Club Ashtray of a man.
Not really tied to our larger political mess, but I wanted to make note of Martin Shkreli's misadventures real quick. It seems like only yesterday when he was smirking his way through congressional hearings. Nowadays, he's begging for sentencing mercy and being forced to give up his precious private Wu-Tang album.
...I just hope our justice system isn't quite done punishing douchey rich boys just yet. This is just the opening act, right?
There was nice little article on Christopher Steele, containing the fun tidbit about how the Kremlin may have vetoed Mitt Romney's appointment as Secretary of State, in favor of Doddering Oil Goon Rex Tillerson.
If there's any truth to that, you almost have to tip your cap to ol' Vlad, because Good Golly Miss Molly has that investment ever paid off! The Failing New York Times taught us that while State has allocated $120 million to battle Russian election interference, Low-T Rex has spent exactly NO FUCKING DOLLARS OF THAT MONEY.
C'mon, man! You should've at least bought team sweatshirts with a cool name like The New Cold Warriors by now! Fuck, the agency tasked with oversight of Russian meddling doesn't even have a single Russian speaker!
And you know what's really crazy? We read this story, which essentially tells us that our leading diplomat is refusing to defend our country, and is in fact actively enabling the intervention of a hostile foreign power in our democracy...and this fuckhead will still have a job tomorrow. In any previous administration, a scandal like this would've brought down not just the SoS, but the ENTIRE PRESIDENCY. And justly.
The New Normal is decidedly NOT BANGARANG.
Anyway.
I think Ben & Jerry's is making schadenfreude now. I say that because I came across this DELICIOUS little article about how young conservatives in D.C. are having trouble dating, because I guess being a shitbag isn't attractive. Good. Nookie is only for the decent, says I.
The Grand Wizard Grifter, in his ongoing quest to strip the American Presidency of every imaginable ounce of dignity, has apparently stamped the presidential seal on tee markers for his tacky golf courses. This is, needless to say, totally illegal, but it's almost cute, amongst the treason and the multi-million-dollar emoluments violations, y'know?
Still, when the final bill comes due, wouldn't it be neat if Mueller slapped one last "oh by the way, the golf course thing" indictment on this crooked fucker?
Congressional Dems want to poke around in White House documents to see if Jared Kushner was maybe sorta peddling influence in exchange for desperately needed loans. You have to wonder if Jared even still has the security clearance to see that stuff. I bet not. Hee.
And John Kelly wants to know what Jared n' Ivanka even DO all day. Well, NOT MAKE PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST, THANKS TO YOU, GENERAL. (Really though, Jared's gotten quite good at Minesweeper.)
After a long, tense, occasionally violent standoff, the President's family business was evicted from their former hotel in Panama. Just like that time Sasha and Malia set up a lemonade stand in Buenos Aires and the secret police burned it down.
That Leftist Propaganda Rag, the Wall Street Journal, reports that Drumpf Stooge Michael Cohen whinged to his buddies after the election about how his boss stiffed him like a common construction contractor after he went to all the trouble of paying a porn star $130,000 in blackmail money.
Now, Cohen has been Shart Garfunkel's most loyal non-family underling, so it'll be especially satisfying when he winds up disbarred and broke, don'tcha think?
Mississippi Senator Thad Cochran will be stepping down for health reasons, setting up a special election this November to fill the remainder of his term. We probably shouldn't get excited, because it's Missifrickinssippi we're talking about, but remember we live in the world where "Junior Senator Doug Jones of Alabama" is a thing, and also Steve Bannon is probably scanning the sex offender registry for a candidate he thinks would really get under Mitch McConnell's skin.
And on top of that, today saw the release of the very first poll showing Democrat Conor Lamb LEADING in the special election in the Pennsylvania 18th...I don't wanna get cocky or greedy but let's pick a few ambitious fights to fight, y'know? You never can tell which ones we'll win.
Everyone congratulate your favorite investigation-launchin', prematurely-baldin', cooperating witness on his nuptials! Godspeed, Mr. and Mrs. Papaderpaderp! Get that honeymoon in before the jail term for lying to federal investigators starts!
...you may want to avoid England, though! Seems that Rascally Russkie, Vlad Putin can still poison the odd ex-spy right underneath the Queen's nose, so maybe just take in a NASCAR race and slide quietly into witness protection, kids!
On that subject, can anybody spare a little political asylum for an imprisoned Russian escort/sex coach? Seeking bail money plus a plane ticket from Bangkok, offering 16 hours of audio recordings purportedly relating to Oligarch ratfucking in the American election? I don't know how credible this stuff is, but would you honestly be surprised at this point?
Nobody likes Fat Q*Bert's steel tariffs, maybe cuz of the whole "trade war" thing. Studies show they'd cause job losses. Foreign nations are threatening retaliation. Even housepets are asking, "Why in the living fuck are you fucking with Canada, man? At long last, have you no chill whatsoever?"
Even congressional Republicans, who've turned the blindest of eyes to everything from a dozen plus sexual assault accusations to dereliction of the Presidential duty to defend to United States from foreign attacks, dug through their office closets to find their long-neglected spines, and said "Excuse me your Fuckheadedness, could you maybe NOT wreck the economy, please?
But Circus Peanut Broderick Crawford is thus far unmoved!
He says he "won't back down"
No he won't back down
You can stand him up at the gates of Hell Canada
But he won't back down
The Dickless Dumbfuck Dotard also promised to cut the price of the new U.S. embassy in Israel from a billion dollars...to $250,000, which can only mean he's building it out of Legos he's confiscated from Eric for wetting the bed in the Lincoln Bedroom.
Former Drumpf campaign aide Sam Nunberg, upon being served with a subpoena by the Mueller investigation, reacted the way any innocent person would; he drove to the nearest grocery store, bought every wine cooler in the joint, and pounded them in the parking lot while calling in to cable news shows.
Sam had...quite the day. He claims to think Mueller won't arrest him for defying a subpoena, so he's basically been screaming "COME AT ME, BRO!" which seems...unwise. He said Carter Page colluded and Donald knew about the Trump Tower meeting with Junior and a bunch of Fux Nooz hosts will live to regret their coverage and a lot of inappropriately nasty stuff about Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Most curiously of all, he seems to be willing to risk jail time to protect the honor of...Roger Stone?
SERIOUSLY?!?!? Roger fucking Stone?
Ah, well. The heart wants what it wants.
By the evening, Nunberg literally had an interviewer telling him they could smell alcohol on his breath. Thinking about it now, it's actually kinda surprising it took this long for somebody swept up in this circus to have such a spectacular public meltdown. In six months, they'll find Stephen Miller, naked, hiding in the National Zoo, pretending to be a macaque.
Anyway, I'm gonna leave you with something sexxxxxxy. Seriously, don't let your spouse know you're watching this video. If you're not over 18, just close the window right now. Frankly, if you have a heart condition, this video may simply be TOO SEXY.
Ok...you've been warned.
"Hey Wilbur, Nice Cans!" And Other Sordid Tales of Fist-Pounding and Deer Cum (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Today I found myself, on my couch, in my bathrobe, blogging about the intersection of politics and deer spunk, and I confess I'm uncertain how I got there. Life is strange. Anyhow, the news:
(And yes, you can get it, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/hey-wilbur-nice-cans-sordid-tales-fist-pounding-deer-cum/)
Let me begin with an apology. I try to provide a reasonably comprehensive news round-up here, and I must confess...this week, I have failed you. While there was certainly a fuckton of nonsense to document, it was inexcusable of me to have overlooked the story of Rowan County, Kentucky Clerk/Celebrity Bigot Kim Davis writing a book about her encounters with, oh dear, "furious, fist-pounding homosexual men."
Wow. Surely, it will adapted into an art film, titled POUND ME BY YOUR FIST, starring Armie Hammer.
After the Mueller investigation brought charges against several Russian entities for interfering in our elections, and after Putin smirked his way through a video showing Russian nukes targeting Florida, the President finally marshaled the full force of his pulpit and his office to strike back at the Kremlin.
Wait, did I say "the Kremlin?" I mean "Alec Baldwin."
...on the other hand, Baldwin just immediately marched back out on SNL to mock him all over again, and I'm sure Putin would've done the same.
What's this? Hope Hicks may have kept a diary chronicling her time in the Shart House? DISHY! My sources tell me each entry starts with a lengthy documentation of the hour-by-hour accumulation of food stains on his shirt and tie.
Anyway, publishers are reportedly engaged in a bloody struggle over rights to the diary, with several offering multi-million-dollar advances that would be paid directly to her legal team, for convenience. Bob Mueller won't be able offer her quite so much, but he'll sure subpoena the shit out of it.
More fun in Kentucky, as we learned of a front in the culture war that everybody assumed had been dealt with sometime in the early 20th century: child brides! Yes, some folks in Kentucky want to make child marriage illegal, because SOMEHOW IT WASN'T ALREADY, but the bill has been held up, because...well, because some folks don't WANT child marriage to be illegal. Apparently. Zounds.
Somebody tell J.D. Vance he left a verse or two out of his Hillbilly Elegy.
The Blue Wave continues to build, with Texas Democrats turning out in numbers sure to put a nervous tremor in Ted Cruz' phony preacher voice. And Conor Lamb's got 'em sweating deep in Trump Country, Pennsylvania.
Rumor has it that Rambunctious Robert Mueller is askin' witnesses fun questions like "Hey, is the nation's foreign policy based around Jared Kushner's desperate quest for cash?" "Did America facilitate the blockade crisis in Qatar because they didn't want to piss money away on Jar-Jar's stupid Manhattan skyscraper?" and "Are you seriously fucking kidding me with this shit?"
And the Failing New York Times reports Mueller's investigation has found a whole new drawer to poke around in, this one full of mismatched socks and also possible pay-to-play influencing by the United Arab Emirates through some dopey-lookin' fucker named George Nader.
And we all went "Ohhhhhhhhh...fucking of COURSE. We've all been so focused on Russia, we never bothered to think that when a candidate/President is known to be for sale, OF COURSE there's gonna be more than just one buyer lined up." DUH.
Donald J. Trump, (The "J" stands for "I've failed at everything from steaks to airlines to casinos to my shitty fake university) assured us that winning trade wars is super easy, nothing to it, and then merrily returned to cheating at Candyland with Barron.*
Littlefinger also dispatched the Raisin of Populism, Wilbur Ross, to defend the new steel and aluminum taxes he decided to unleash on the American public. Wilbur playfully offered that the increased steel cost would raise the price of a $35,000 automobile "only" 1/2 of 1%, because he is super in touch with the average American's finances. And truly, who among us doesn't have a spare $175 to piss away to placate the ego of a rampaging Manbaby playing recklessly with the global economy like the neighbor kid's toys?
Especially those who work for Harley-Davidson, or in the Kentucky Bourbon industry, already surfacing as early targets for retaliation?
Anyway, if this leads, as some are speculating, to a spike in canned beer prices, I'm buyin' a tricorn hat and digging a motherfucking trench, goddammit.
Speaking of of the tariffs, Trumpal Bud Carl Icahn just so happened, a couple days before the announcement, to dump more than $30 million worth of stock in a company that took quite a tumble when the President decided to kick them right in the supply chain with higher steel prices.
Now, some folks are accusing Donnie Dotard of insider trading, of fucking over most of the country just so he and his palz can profit, but I'll thank you not to impugn our President's clearly impeccable honesty, sir! GLOVE SLAP!
The knock on John Kelly is, while he was an effective military leader, he lacks the familiarity and skill in the political realm to be effective in his current post. Well I ask you, WOULD AN UNSKILLED POLITICAL OPERATIVE NEEDLESSLY BRING UP A MAJOR SCANDAL, TOTALLY UNPROMPTED, DAYS AFTER THE MEDIA HAD ALREADY MOVED ON?
...apparently he would. And did. Lordy.
So, the increasingly popular Sixty Leakers Describe White House Chaos genre took a dark turn over the weekend. We've left behind the heady days of "Ha ha they can't even find the light switches," in favor of "Holy shit, we've got an unstable idiot blowing up the global economy because nobody remembered to change his diaper."
Yeah, when you read shit describing the President's mental state using terms like "unglued" and "pure madness," you really start thinking about maybe digging a bunker, amiright? And then somebody mentions, "Hey, all this shit has gone down during relatively stable times, what the fuck would this assclown do if he had to deal with an actual crisis?"
(Shudder)
...you know Justin Trudeau is at least THINKING about invading. Sneak in, while everybody's running around like headless chickens...occupy Montana, maybe a little bit of New England. He'd be greeted as a liberator.
Devin Nunes, whose professional life is devoted to destroying the American intelligence/law-enforcement community in service to a treasonous gangster (and whose personal life is devoted to the fucking of pigs) wants you to know that the REAL danger to the country is Stephen Colbert laughing at him.
That's a sitting congressman's checklist of Threats to the Republic: Free speech and law enforcement. Cool.**
I tell you what, when Devin finally, FINALLY gets his comeuppance, it's gonna be like watching Joffrey Baratheon's last drink.
Lou Dobbs continues to audition for the anchor gig on his long-dreamed-of, post-apocalyptic, State TV propaganda station, screeching like a community theatre actor playing Ophelia about how Jeff Sessions has had his mind taken over by the nanobots the government injects into the water supply during so-called "fluoridation," and how the AG needs to be fired, and also probably dismembered at the crossroads and burned.
The Florida Senate briefly passed a two-year moratorium on AR-15 sales, but then went, "Aw, you thought we cared more about our constituents' lives than our sweet, sweet, NRA money? APRIL FOOL!!!!" and then un-passed it, I guess just because they're dicks.
But they still want to give guns to teachers. I bet the Florida teacher with the white supremacist podcast will be first in line, you fucking geniuses.
Well, the VA Secretary seems to be descending into madness and paranoia as well, that's fun. David Shuklin's all mad because the President can bill the Secret Service thousands of dollars to pee, but he can't seem to get away with one little ol' trip to Wimbledon, or sending his taxpayer-funded security detail to pick up his dry cleaning, no fair!
(Meanwhile, Ben Carson's over in the corner, calling up Shulkin at all hours of the day and just breathing heavily into the phone, figuring if his Cabinetmate explodes, maybe the world won't notice when he sneaks that vintage Wooton secretary in through the HUD back door.)
My friends, I know the news can be depressing, and I really don't want to break your back with yet another sad story, but I feel it's my duty to keep y'all informed.
So it is with a heavy heart that I report Judge Roy Moore finds himself in dire financial straits. Turns out child molestin' ain't cheap, especially when you're getting your pervy old ass sued for defamation by one of your accusers.
Pity poor Roy, who really, REALLY needed that Senator's salary to pay the pedophilia piper, only to be denied by the dastardly voters of Alabama who so selfishly chose the candidate who wasn't a fucking monster.
I'm willing to send something to the Judge. Do you think his kickstarter accepts cat shit?
And CNN got ahold of some tape of Government Cheese Goebbels talking to the shitty rich idiots who finance the assault on American democracy known as the Republican Party, where he talks about how cool it is that Xi Jinping gets to be President 4 Lyfe over in China, and how he'd really like to be that kind of dictator when he grows up, then he could have all the military parades he wants, though never the love and approval of the father who shipped him off to military school, SAD.
Anyway, comforting to know our President is still looking lustily at authoritarian regimes, free from all those silly encumbrances, like "a free press" and "voters," isn't it? Maybe we'll even see re-education camps added to the official Republican platform come 2020!
Maybe we're lucky that the Spraytan Sultan's thirst for dictatorship is so completely overmatched by his profound laziness. He hit a sloth milestone this weekend, with his 100th (and, for that matter, 101st) day of golf since taking office. I just like to assume it's the MAGA crowd's tax money that pays for that shit.
Anyway, all of this is trivial.
The REAL news of the week comes from the Great State of Texas, where a primary challenger for a state House seat is financing her campaign largely with deer semen.
Now, I saw that headline and assumed this meant "money from the deer semen industry." That is not the case. We are, in fact, talking about $51,000 worth of actual deer semen. The article doesn't stipulate exactly how much deer semen that would be, and I'm pretty grateful for that.
Anyway. There's probably something I missed, but as William Shakespeare said, "Always leave 'em thinking about deer semen."
*And Erik.
**Not actually cool.
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