TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalI'm Home Alone With the News, and Trump Hasn't Been Cut From My Copy, Dammit (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, Santa left me a couple cases of my favorite IPA, and a new pair of shit-kickin’ boots, so I’m all outfitted for a whole new year of resistin'. Let’s plow through one last news roundup, and march on to 2020, when we finally get rid of this treasonous fuckhead once and for all, shall we?
(You totally know this by now, but if you want the post with links, click here: http://showercapblog.com/im-home-alone-with-the-news-and-trump-hasnt-been-cut-from-my-copy-dammit/)
I’m sure you all enjoyed the latest full frontal assault on Real ‘Murica in our annual War on Xmas; I know nothing makes me feel any hollier or jollier than crushing the traditional values of decent folk, like, for example, Arizona Congressjag Paul Gosar, who marked the season of love and hope and giving by tweeting out an old video of Hillary Clinton nearly getting killed by a piece of falling lighting equipment during an interview. You can’t even get mad at a guy like that; if you’re so deranged with hatred that you don’t have anything better to do on Xmas Day, bro, your life is its own reward.
Meanwhile Fake Historian/Actual Felon Dinesh D’Souza manifested his holiday spirit by...feuding with Auschwitz Museum on Twitter. For real. I swear. Look, I don’t make the news, I just write extremely juvenile jokes about it.
I see Chuck Todd has finally begun to theatrically scratch his chin and theorize that there’s something fishy going on with these Republican types. “Say,” mused Chuckles, the dimmest imaginable cartoon lightbulb appearing above his head, “I do believe those right-wing fellows have been using my softball interviews as a platform to spread misinformation!” before ordering his scheduling team to book even more right-wing liars on his show to spread even more misinformation.
...if I die soon, I’m going to use my dying breaths to scrawl “Facebook, reality TV, and bothsidesism” in the dirt with my finger, so that future generations will know what brought about the end of humanity.
Good news for the tremblingly insecure man-baby who throws himself a party every time he breaks 50% in a Rasmussen survey, we finally found a poll where you’re the runaway victor! Of course, it’s a German poll, and it doesn’t so much measure “job approval” as “among the world’s many authoritarian crotchtumors, who is the single biggest threat to world peace?” Still, you ran circles around your buddy, Kim Jong-un, which’ll give you something to brag about the next time he’s making you jump through hoops for his own amusement.
After nearly three years of nonstop crime and scandal, Oklahoma Senator James Lankford has finally mustered the dollhouse teacup’s worth of courage to buck Republican Party orthodoxy and proclaim that Hairplug Himmler, Thief of Charity Funds and Opener of Concentration Camps, is, and you may want to be near a fainting couch before you continue reading...not a good role model for th’kids. Such moral courage hasn’t been seen since Thomas More, surely. Naturally, we should expect Lankford to continue voting with Captain Shitty Role Model 90% of the time, including letting him off the hook for all his well-documented high crimes, and also Mr. Trump, sir, I can stand guard at the front door of the National Archives while you set the Constitution on fire, if you’d like that, sir?
If you’re looking for a role model, kiddo, there are plenty of examples close by, all you have to do is pull your head out Donnie Two-Scoops’ ass and look across the proverbial aisle.
A new Federal Reserve study tells us that Strawberry Shartcake’s idiot tariffs backfired, leading to job losses and higher prices and other general crotch stomps to the American economy. Does it really count as “backfiring” when literally everyone with two brain cells to rub together expected this result, though? Like “holy shit, my Crab-Rangoon-and-Häagen-Dazs diet backfired, who could have foreseen this mysterious and unexpected outcome?”
As you are no doubt aware, there’s been a wave of anti-Semitic violence sweeping over New York City, horrifically punctuated by a mass stabbing at a rabbi’s house during a Hanukkah celebration. I’m sure there were some Very Fine People™️ on both sides of the attacks, right?
While Jewish Americans struggled to cope with the inevitable consequences of stochastic terrorism fed by the constant bigotry emanating from the highest office in the land, the President‘s large adult son was quick to condemn the hatred and violence, offering to assist the grieving communities in any way he JUST KIDDING the kid had a total meltdown because his douchebag dad’s cameo got cut from the Canadian broadcast of Home Alone 2, which Cult45 apparently interprets as a massive media conspiracy, instead of a years-old decision to trim the film to accommodate commercial breaks. Man, it must be exhausting, perpetually scanning the world for bullshit excuses to claim victimhood.
(I write this from the trenches outside Toronto, by the way; Dear Leader has demanded bloody restitution and restoration of his scene, plus a sequel in which he and Kevin McCallister go on a road trip, beat up Antifa together, and score a bunch of chicks.)
And we learned more about Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s favorite new campaign surrogate, Eddie Gallagher. Now, I’m not always the most pleasant person to be around, but I’m proud to say I’ve never been described as “freaking evil” by any past co-workers, but then, I’m not a psychopathic mass murderer. I dunno, maybe he likes hanging out with Eddie because it means he’s not necessarily the most reprehensible sack of shit in the room, which must be a refreshing change.
Locked away in the Shart House over the long holiday weekend with no company beyond the hallucinations brought on by his experimental hair tonic, President Gas Station Urinal Cake went on a so-unhinged-you’d-think-there-was-an-accident-at-the-door-factory Twitter rant that not only publicly outed the alleged whistleblower, but lent the presidential pulpit to several of the frothiest lunatics in the QAnon movement. This commitment to ever-more-ridiculous levels of misinformation will probably have truly terrible consequences for our beloved country, but we shouldn’t rule out the possibility of transforming into a civilization like the aliens in Galaxy Quest, who believed old television shows were historical documentaries. I mean, yeah, we’re probably headed for some sort of dystopia, but there’s an outside chance it will also be hilarious.
Well, the Candycorn Skidmark had another secret phone call with his BFF Vlad, and like always, he tried to hide it from the American public, but then Pootie-Poo blabbed about it to the whole cafeteria during lunchtime, and also the stuff about Donnie wetting the bed and trying to make it look like pee hookers did it, how embarrassing. Anyway, the Not at All a Russian Asset Prez is still sneaking around behind America’s back to whisper sweet nothings at the dude who ordered an attack on our last presidential election, KEWL*.
Well, you probably saw the thing where the Failing New York Times did that deep dive into what’s currently known about Weehands McNodick’s what-if-the-Three-Stooges-did-a-bunch-of-meth-and-then-conducted-international-diplomacy crime spree, and it’s what the Poet would call “a doozy.” It’s a tale full of crimes and lies and coverups, with a quivering orange pile of poo in the middle, desperate for fabricated dirt on a man he knows he could never hope to defeat, in either a fair election or a push-up contest.
Democrats point to new revelations in the article as evidence that co-conspirators like Mick Mulvaney and Mike Pompeo must testify in the Senate’s impeachment trial, while Mitch McConnell, of course, sees only more evidence to be swept under the rug, and there’s already so much shit down there that he bumps his little turtle head on the ceiling every time he sits behind his desk, so can he please just get back to confirming skeevy, under-qualified, hacks to lifetime judicial appointments, that’s much more fun. How much more evidence will turn up before Nancy takes pity on the Marmalade Shartcannon and passes the articles of impeachment on to the Senate, I wonder?
And now I see Rudy Giuliani’s ratfucking partner (ew), Lev Parnas, is looking to regift a bunch of old evidence he has lying around, to investigators with the House Intelligence Committee. I’m told there’s even an iPhone on the table; Adam Schiff gets all the cool shit, no fair!
Aaaaand...that’s it. Yeah, it’s been a week since the last blog, but it’s still kinda light. Well, it’s the holidays; let’s just enjoy the break before we, y’know, fight like hell to win our country back in the coming year. Anyway, if anybody needs me, I’ll be out back, beating the last remnants of 2019 to death with a fucking sledgehammer.
*Not actually kewl.
And don’t forget, coming soooooon...Resistance Comics! (Click over to my site, there’s a logo and everything!)
Let's Make This Don & Rudy's Last Good Xmas for a Loooooong Time (Ferret/Shower Cap)
‘Twas the night before Xmas, the whole world was dreaming
Of a glorious day without Trump’s endless screaming
The stockings are filled with crap meant to amuse
This rhyming shit’s too hard, let’s just do the news
(And you can get the post, with all those nifty news links, at http://showercapblog.com/lets-make-this-don-rudys-last-good-xmas-for-a-loooooong-time/)
While you read this blog, know that Hairplug Himmler keeps checking under Melania’s nightmare Xmas tree every five minutes to see if Nancy Claus has delivered any articles of impeachment yet, but no, it’s all still just coal, and not even clean coal, because clean coal isn’t really a thing, is it? Don’t worry, they’ll arrive soon enough, lil’ fellah, and you may even be getting more than you expected...
Newly released documents show the Shart House reached out their tiny, inadequate, hands to order the hold on aid to Ukraine a mere 91 minutes after the famous “Please help me get rid of the Biden underneath my bed, he is so very frightening and the night light isn’t helping” call with President Zelensky, giving Senate Republicans even more damning evidence to ignore. Ignoring evidence is actually exhausting work, especially when you’re already ignoring your oath of office, the will of your constituents, and the whole dang U.S. Constitution. Hopefully the holiday break will prove relaxing.
We leaned that Uncanny Valley Centerfold Stephen Miller hatched a demented little plot to embed ICE agents within the refugee agency that cares for unaccompanied migrant children, because where a normal person with a human soul would see a scared little kid in need of love and safety, Miller sees bait, and an opportunity to use familial bonds as a weapon to increase deportations, to Make America White Again, one traumatized child at a time.
Miller’s unrepentant, racist, evil is the argument to throw in the faces of your smug, third-party-backing friends, by the way. When they start to strut and preen over how the eventual Democratic nominee hasn’t “earned” their vote, ask them what the victims of Stephen Miller and his white nationalist cabal have to do to “earn” your help, because filling in the bubble next to Jill Stein or Tulsi or whoever they march out this time to shave juuuuuuust enough leftists off to win the Rust Belt might make you the toast of your social media bubble, but it won’t remove one single child from a cage.
Allies are hard to come by when you’re a universally despised loser who got caught red-headed breaking more or less every law in the book, so perhaps we can forgive Kid Kompromat for trumpeting Putin’s support, or perhaps we should remember that Putin is a murderous dictator who ordered an attack on the USA not so very long ago, and invite both enemies of our beloved state to feast on the contents of a campground outhouse.
Y’know if even Putin did have my back on something controversial like, “I find the 2012 Joseph Gordon-Levitt vehicle Premium Rush to be criminally underrated, and y’know who else does, too? My authoritarian buddy, Vlad, who invades sovereign nations and murders journalists, that’s who!” I kinda feel like I’d keep that shit to myself.
Hey, you’ll never believe believe this, but Dorito Mussolini’s North Korea policy is looking like big, fat, failure; a rare outlier in a life brimming with successes like Trump steaks, Trump vodka, Trump University, and did I mention this clod actually managed to fail at the goddamn casino business? Seriously, we put a dude who found a way to fuck up a business model that goes “we just take your money and don’t give you anything back,” and put him in charge of foreign policy, and somehow we’re amazed it isn’t going well.
Meanwhile, Jeff Van Drew, who still has that “new traitor” smell after pledging “undying” fealty to his new Turdlord, slithered out onto Fux Nooz to bend the knee, with the sycophant proclamation, “Hey, you know who’s super-good at journalism and who is in no way a ruptured sewage pipe, spewing forth state propaganda to pollute American minds? FUX NOOZ, that’s who!” anyway Jeff Van Drew doesn’t seem to have any core beliefs beyond “Jeff Van Drew should be in Congress,” so I think we’re in an addition-by-subtraction situation here.
The Failing New York Times published a fun little article on how Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet finally pushed the last remnants of the mob of rabid lemmings known as the Republican Party all the way off the cliff of madness they’ve been flirting with the edge of for lo these many years. The secret ingredient, it turns out, is cowards. Y’see, there are apparently some Republicans who WANT to stand up to the Emperor of Turds, but they are afraid, and they would very much like our sympathy and respect for their unacted upon principles, to which I say, “my sympathy is reserved for the children in the camps and the refugees turned away at our borders and the transgender Americans blocked from serving in the military and all the other victims of your cowardice; you don’t get sympathy, I’m all fucking out of that; you get scorn, because it’s what you fucking deserve.
As for respect, the world is hardly short of examples of the relatively minimal amount of courage it takes to stand up for your country and her Constitution. Look to Justin Amash if you must. Look to Fiona Hill, Alexander Vindman, and Marie Yovanovitch. Look to damn near every Democrat in Congress. Look to the millions of us who’ve been marching, fundraising, knocking on doors, getting out the vote, doing the hard work necessary to drag America back to a place of decency again. You wanna whinge anonymously to the papers about how hard your position is? Fuck you. There’s still plenty of shit on the driveway; pick up a shovel and get to work.
So now Barely-Perceptible Ex-GOP Congressmicrobe David Trott, having retired rather than standing up to his cult, excuse me, his “party,” says he “probably” would’ve voted for impeachment, except for the whole “spineless retreat” thing. Tell you what, you can sit with Jeff Flake at the Too Little, Too Late table, David.
Well, the Treasonweasel Administration blocked a light bulb energy efficiency rule that was set to go into effect in the new year. Enjoy your monumental KKKulture War triumph, I guess. Revel in the spoils of victory, which are (checks notes) higher electric bills and (rechecks notes) nothing else. Maybe y’all can take aim at bicycle helmets and seat belts and warning labels on rat poison next...shit, if Sharty McFly wins a second term, you dopes might just deregulate yourselves into extinction.
Ron Johnson, previously criticized for spreading Kremlin propaganda, seems to have enjoyed the attention so much that he swung back by the Sunday Shoz to spread a little more Kremlin propaganda. Now, I’m an old-fashioned, Norman-Rockwell-type American, and personally, I like my Senators to be a little less...how to put this...a little less ON THE SIDE OF THE HOSTILE FOREIGN NATION THAT ATTACKED MY BELOVED HOMELAND, so if Matt Bevin is done fucking himself with that rusty trowel (from last week’s blog, duh) maybe he can overnight it to Wisconsin, because I really hate to think of RoJo, all alone this holiday season, not fucking himself with a rusty trowel.
Similarly, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy continues applying the principles of the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Gaslighting, Chapter 2: Just Lie, Baby!, unashamedly misrepresenting the contents of the recent DoJ IG report, claiming it actually validates, rather than debunks, Emperor Turdmaggot’s wildest delusions, from “the FBI spied on my campaign” to “I don't have to pay for sex.” Expect more of this shit, now that the GOP has learned that their base doesn’t want truth, or even reality, just enemies to hate.
And yeah, you’ve surely seen Donnie Dotard’s infamous Windmill Rant by now. I think everyone’s overreacting, frankly, it’s totally normal shit...for, say, Will-Ferrell-with-a-tranquilizer-dart-protruding-from-his-neck. For a dude with the power to deploy the most fearsome military in all human history at his slightest passing whim? Ok, sure, it’s a problem.
The entirely predictable backlash to last week’s pro-impeachment editorial in Christianity Today arrived right on time; it turns out the Fascist Farthuffer’s Faux Faithful don’t enjoy having their comical hypocrisy/total lack of actual values pointed out, but, y’know...if Ron Johnson would just hurry up with that trowel...
Folks, this is not a subtle moral choice, we’re not contemplating some unknowable ethical dilemma: we’re talking about a dude who lies and cheats and incites violence and steals from fucking CHARITY. We are talking about a man who opened concentration camps, on American soil, and filled them with terrified children. Of COURSE supporting Donald Trump is incompatible with the teachings of Christ, or, indeed, with any religious code worth a damn. Trumpism is hateful. Trumpism is about hurting people. Fuck your hollow claims to piety, we fucking well see you for what you really are. You want to stand on the grave of a child who died, in detention, of medical neglect, and act like you have the moral high ground? Go ahead, just pardon us if we laugh in your face.
I’m starting to see why Weehands McNodick and Rudy “Never Met a Cousin I Didn’t Like Inappropriately” Giuliani get along so well, they’ve got a ton in common: treason, crimes, undermining American democracy, and to top it all off, they’re both in a state of such rapid mental decline as I haven’t seen since my college roommates brought home three boxes of whippits. Anyway, the absolutely batguano nucking futz interview he gave to Olivia Nuzzi makes a rather compelling case that in the long-term, incest can lead to severe brain damage, so, y’know...even if you catch your cousin under the mistletoe...y'know...look out.
Operating on a similar theory to Donnie Two-Scoops’ “it doesn’t count as quid pro quo if you say 'no quid pro quo',” Rudy seems to believe that prefacing an anti-Semitic diatribe by saying “I am not anti-Semitic” renders said anti-Semitic diatribe magically non-anti-Semitic. Hence, shit like, “George Soros is a sinister puppet master ruling the world behind the scenes with his money HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME?!?!” Anyway, this holiday season, the white nationalist President’s personal attorney is setting himself up on the internet as the arbiter of who is and isn’t acceptably Jewish, what could possibly go wrong?
Well, that’s more than enough of this shit, let’s all move on to some frickin’ holiday cheer, okay? I wish you all the happiest of holidays, and a very Merry Xmas to those who celebrate, and to those who don’t, hey, enjoy a day where they’re not allowed to send you any bills in the mail. If you want to get me a present, I usually prefer beer, but for some reason, I can’t seem to find my trowel...
PS, Might not see y'all for a bit, what with the holiday gnus slowdown, but don’t forget, coming in the New Year: RESISTANCE COMICS!
I Know Things Look Dark, Friends, But Fear Not! Jeff Flake Will Save UsHAHAHAHAHAHAHWE'REDOOMED!
Holy fuck, 2019 is finally almost over, and I just want to get across that finish line, like I’ve already run 3 marathons back-to-back, and I know I’ve got one more ahead of me, but can I at least take a quick breather, enjoy some beer and cake and presents before I hit the road again? No? Well, make sure you’re hydrated, Resisters, and let’s plow through this shit...
(As always, you can find this post, with nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/i-know-things-look-dark-friends-but-fear-not-jeff-flake-will-save-ushahahahahahahweredoomed/)
Because we live in Hell, you’ve probably already forgotten about how the President of the United States engaged in a little light genocide denial earlier this week, because he’s still angling for that invite to join Erdoğan’s team in the Murderous Autocrat Bowling League. I know your atrocity bingo card is already long since filled in, but after all these years, Sharty McFly still manages to find new ways to be awful.
In a last-minute effort to stave off impeachment, the Hairplug That Ate Decency emptied the contents of his adult diaper directly onto six pages of official White House stationary, threw in a few grammatical errors to establish authenticity, and sent the resulting shitpile to Nancy Pelosi. Now, plenty has already been written about this so-insane-the-Mad-Hatter-and-the-March-Hare-stopped-inviting-Trump-to-tea diatribe, but let me just say, as a blogger who frequently strives for a childish, petulant, tone, I’m a little envious of how naturally it comes to him.
Food safety whistleblowers warn that new Shart Administration rules allowing pork plants to circumvent all that pesky “inspection” will lead to American consumers getting a few surprises when they purchase the other white meat, surprises like “feces, sex organs, toenails, bladders and unwanted hair,” so basically a swinger party at Steve Bannon’s house. Anyway, congrats on Making Upton Sinclair Relevant Again, you guys!
The nation of Wakanda was formally removed from the USDA’s trade partners list, because someone finally informed the Clown Car Full of Rectums running our government that it DOESN’T FUCKING EXIST. Anyway, we still have to worry about the trade war with Narnia, the mithril deficit with Middle Earth, and all that Venusian trademark theft, so I don’t think we’re out of the (enchanted) woods yet, honestly.
A Russian spy ship buzzed the east coast earlier this week, no doubt conducting a trial run for the inevitable day when the extraction of Putin’s Personal Pet President becomes necessary, because somebody leaked his plan to carry out air strikes against polling places in minority neighborhoods or some shit.
Wednesday’s impeachment debate on the House floor unfolded like bizarre performance art, steadily alternating between a somber and diverse procession of House Democrats laying out the ironclad case that Kid Kompromat had committed high crimes, and old white dudes screaming extremely stupid shit. Republicans compared Fat Q*Bert’s impeachment (for, once again, crimes he has fully confessed to committing) to Pearl Harbor and the Salem witch trials and the crucifixion of Jesus and That One Time Pears Were on Sale But the Store Was Out of Pears by the Time I Got There After Work. Oh, and Doug Collins said “irregardless” when it was his turn to carry the Ranting Idiot Torch, so that’s the ranking member on the Judiciary Committee, unable to use the English language on a grade school level. This must be that “American exceptionalism” I’m always hearing about.
Still, when the theatre ended and the dust settled, the Motherfucker found himself good n’ thoroughly impeached, more impeached than any President who came before him, impeached with go fuck yourself crumbles on top and a side order of whine about it why don’tcha, more impeached than any spray-on tan could ever hide. Congratulations, Fuckhead, it’s the first thing in your whole shitty life that you’ve actually earned.
Daddy Vlad still has your back, though, Dotard! He says impeachment charges are “completely made up,” and since he’s looked through every single file in the FBI and CIA by now, he should know! Side note: it’s hard not to notice that Putin is better at sticking up for his employees than Mike Pompeo is.
I wonder if Putin ever gets sore from pinching himself over the phenomenal luck he’s had with the credulous rube he installed in the White House. The Manchurian Manchild has, we’ve just learned, haughtily dismissed the findings of his own intelligence agencies, and blindly accepted the debunked conspiracy theory that it was Ukraine, not Russia, who interfered in the 2016 election, because “Putin told me.” It’s really that fuckin’ simple, isn’t it? “Comrade Donald, it truly would be easier for our two great nations to cooperate if we only knew the precise locations of all of your nuclear submarines.” “I’ll send Mulvaney right over with a map, sir!”
Oh, and Tulsi Gabbard voted “present” on both articles of impeachment, possibly because she and Bashar al-Assad agreed it would be a hilarious way to get attention and own the libs. People wonder why she pulls shit like this, and honestly, I’m ready to give up on the notion that she’s executing some clever plan to carve out a constituency only she can see; maybe she’s just weird and mean and wrong about everything.
Since Mitch McConnell has decided to decorate the Senate chamber with Xmas lights that spell out “I will not hold a fair impeachment trial ho ho ho,” Nancy Pelosi decided she would not fill any Senator’s stockings with articles of impeachment, but will instead hang onto them for now, saying, “Y’all can stew in your own juices for a bit and since they are mostly wrinkly old dude juices, I cannot imagine that will be pleasant, anyhow, see you next year, tee hee.”
Predictably retreating to his Klan rally safe space bubble, Tangerine Idi Amin played the hits for a crowd of feral assclowns in Battle Creek, Michigan, debuting his latest single, “John Dingell is Probably in Hell Now HAW HAW HAW” because in his twisted, self-centered, transactional worldview, John’s grieving widow Debbie owes him blind allegiance forever since he oh-so-magnanimously allowed flags to fly at half-mast when her husband passed. Let’s just point out that ten thousand Donald Trumps wouldn't be worth the corn in John Dingell’s stool, and move on.
Now, the benefits of the President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster’s tax scam might not be trickling down to his voter base, but his post-impeachment rage certainly is, as demonstrated by the deplorable radio host who wished for “a nice school shooting” to distract folks from his Turd Emperor’s legal woes. Also by the psychotic Iowa woman who ran her fucking Jeep off the road and onto the sidewalk, just to run over a 14-year-old girl because she thought the girl was “Mexican.” I think it sucks that stochastic terrorism is the one thing our president is good at.
Well, Jeff Van Drew completed his gooey metamorphosis from Stephen-Miller-denouncing conservative Democrat to loyal Trump sycophant, pledging “undying support” to his tiny-fingered new god. New Jersey Republicans are already salivating to replace Jeff with somebody genuinely batshit in their primary, and home-district Democrats can’t wait to send him the bill for his treachery, so I hope he really sucks the marrow out of being the least trusted man in Congress for the one year he has left in electoral politics.
In the background of all the showier madness, the Republican Party continues their quest to strike down the Affordable Care Act in the courts, because they hate the American people and want them to suffer. As if we don’t have enough shit on our plate, we get to wait around a few more months wondering if John Roberts still believes the serfs deserve health care, how fun!
Mark Meadows will not seek reelection in 2020, leaving an unusually malodorous void in the House GOP’s Shrieking Nitwit Caucus. I guess Gym Jordon will just have to vomit propaganda for two, and I apologize if this has made anybody visualize a pregnant Gym Jordan, because that would be super gross oh no now I’m thinking about it too and he’s lying on a hospital bed and now a screechy little Mini-Gym just burst through his belly like in Alien and excuse me I have to go puke.
I’m not gonna pretend I’d ever heard of Christianity Today magazine before they published the op-ed heard ‘round the Evangelical world, pointing out that Government Cheese Goebbels absolutely should be removed from office for his crimes which are also sins in case anybody’s forgotten, and that the Venn diagram of Trumpism and true Christianity is two circles a million light years apart, but apparently they’re a big deal. Anyway, the Grand High Priest of Turd Worship wasted little time excommunicating the heretics, confident his hold on his cult would prove stronger than any silly ol’ Bible. I’m not optimistic he’s wrong, but we shall see.
I’m not a super religious guy, myself, but I’d like to see Jesus come back, if only to watch Cult45 turn on him after two or three enraged tweets. “Loser messiah likes washing Feet? Very unsanitary, probably a sex thing BUILD THE WALL”
It was inevitable, I suppose, so everybody congratulate the GOP on their very first elected representative/domestic terrorist hybrid, Washington state’s Matt Shea! This dude doesn’t just dabble in terrorism, by the way, we’re talking about multiple acts of armed insurrection, multiple calls to violence, training young people for “holy war,” all while serving in the Washington House for a decade. Anyway, he’ll be pardoned and in the cabinet by Arbor Day.
I literally refuse to describe what Matt Fucking Bevin said. Won’t do it. Yeah, this is right after the Republican Politician is a Terrorist paragraph, and yeah, profanity is sort of my brand, but it’s Bevin’s words and deeds that are truly profane. Click the link if you want, but Matt, go fuck yourself with a rusty trowel, you horror of a human.
Sarah Huckleberry Slanders seized an opportunity during Thursday’s Democratic presidential debate to raise her stock with the Absolute Shitsack voting bloc, mocking Joe Biden for showing a little human compassion towards those who, like himself, battle stuttering. Like her awful father, the Uncredible Huck believes “telling a joke” means “saying some hateful and laughing immediately afterwards.” Remember this moment the next time she tries to lecture us about civility, okay?
Jeff Flake published another mewling little op-ed, begging his former Republican Senate colleagues to act with more courage than Jeff Flake could ever seem to muster. We appreciate the thought, bro, but the fight is, as ever, in the hands of folks who didn’t run away when shit got hard.
A Committee To Re-Elect the Crotchrash official admitted that voter suppression remains a key pillar of their strategy in must-win Wisconsin, and they’re pulling out all the stops for 2020! It’s a hilarious admission that they can’t actually earn the votes of the majority of the electorate, and also a terrifying declaration that they don’t give a flying fuck, and will hold onto power by any means necessary. Hope y’all are ready for a fight next year, is all I’m sayin’.
On the good news front, it appears there’s an ebola vaccine now. I bet if if you sprinkled it on William Barr’s breakfast oatmeal, he’d crumble to dust and blow away on the wind.
Ok, that should tide everybody over ‘till next week. In the meantime, I’ve been teasing y’all that something new and wonderful and fun is coming, right? Let’s take the teaser one step further, shall we...
Ok, I don’t know how to get that image in here. But click on over to http://showercapblog.com/i-know-things-look-dark-friends-but-fear-not-jeff-flake-will-save-ushahahahahahahweredoomed/, and you’ll see what I’m talkin’ about!)
...coming soon!
On Oafs and Oaths, Broken Laws and Broken Jaws (Ferret/Shower Cap)
So, I’ve had a super-sexxxy day, watching along as swing-district House Dems announce, one by one, their intention to vote for the articles of impeachment, and I kinda wanna travel back in time to show my teenage self how cool my life is now, but that kid already had a lot on his plate. We better just do the news and move on.
(As always, you can find this post, with helpful guns links, at: http://showercapblog.com/on-oafs-and-oaths-broken-laws-and-broken-jaws/)
In Wisconsin, a right-wing activist group and a Republican judge teamed up to purge 234,000 voters from the rolls, because the last time they let the people have a say in their government, Scott Walker and his cronies got fired, and look, institutional white supremacy ain’t gonna enshrine itself. So once again, we see there is nothing, NOTHING the GOP fears so much as a free and fair election. Seriously, if conservatives ran Hollywood, the entire slasher genre would be replaced with films where Jon Voight screams in slow-motion, watching non-white folks as they vote.
But don’t despair, because the Democratic Party of Wisconsin is on the job. They’re organizing earlier, and more effectively, than ever before. They could use your help, if you can spare it, cuz they’ve got 234,000 new doors to knock on. And a similar purge is underway in Georgia
Meanwhile, Freshman Congresstraitor Jeff Van Drew took a long, hard, look at the Doubleplus Ungood Ship Shartanic, taking on water, oozing pus, and crawling with plague rats, and said to himself “I gotta get me a cabin on that bad boy!” Yes, it seems JVD saw a poll that showed his anti-impeachment stance would come back to bite him on the ass in a Democratic primary, so he decided to test the waters in the treasonous end of the pool. Hilariously, he thought he could do this while keeping his Dem staffers and maintaining DCCC support, so I’m not worried that we’re losing one the best and brightest here. Most of Jeff’s staff quit, oddly declining the offer to follow him into political oblivion.
Anyway, Jeff, you cut-rate Benedict Arnold, as one of the many Democrats who raised money for you, and worked to punch your ticket on the Big Fat Fuckin’ Blue Wave that installed you in your job in the first place, we knew who you were, we never expected you to vote like AOC, but yeah, we assumed you’d at least stay on the motherfucking team, so now let me just say: eat shit, GIVE US OUR FUCKING MONEY BACK, eat shit, and in conclusion, eat a whole bunch of shit.
So, Princess Ivanka went to the Doha Forum, the latest episode in her straight-to-DVD Meg Ryan vehicle Lifestyles of the Pampered and Dangerously Under-qualified life, and because fear of journalism is apparently hereditary, she set up a sad, silly, fake “interview” with not an actual reporter, but her own spokesperson. The one area where you have to give the Douche Family Robinshart credit is branding; that anyone associates these craven cowards with “strength” is pure Don Draper magic.
And nothing demonstrates Shart Garfunkel’s weakness better than the giddiness with which Russian state TV openly mocks him. He’s their “agent,” and they’re sneeringly prepared to offer him asylum once he’s finally removed from office, but in the meantime they’ll sit back and laugh their asses off while he divides and diminishes the U.S. and undermines Ukraine. I bet Lavrov made him do the Truffle Shuffle last week, right in the Oval Office, and Putin’s got the video, in his desk drawer, next to the pee tape.
I see Lindsey Graham has announced his intention in advance to violate the oath he’ll soon take, to serve as an impartial juror in the Manchurian Manchild’s forthcoming impeachment trial. Honestly, I’m not sure why anybody’s surprised, a Senator’s oath of office is to “support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic,” and he’s been wiping his ass with that one for years now, so we have to assume this is lifelong behavior. I don’t have the precise text of the sworn vows of the Jonny Quest Fan Club handy, but I somehow doubt Lindsey’s pledged fidelity would hold up under scrutiny.
While Graham may not have time for silly ol’ things like promises or laws or the survival of American democracy, his dance card is totally open if you happen to be an unscrupulous maniac with a briefcase full of Kremlin propaganda, and so naturally he’s offering Rudy Giuliani a platform to disseminate whatever horseshit he read about Hunter Biden on bathroom stall walls in Kiev. (Yes, Senator Graham also opposes calling new witnesses in the Senate impeachment trial, and I’m sure the hypocrisy keeps him up at night.)
Incidentally, Ol’ Rottenmouth McCousinfucker casually admitted his role in ousting Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch because she was an obstacle to his international crime spree, and I’m really starting to think there’s something to this whole white privilege thing. Like, if Rudy can walk the streets, a free man, after committing a fuckton of felonies and confessing to half of ‘em, I should be able to get away with at least a bank robbery or two.
By the way, Rudy is currently careening around the nuttier corners of the right-wing jagoffosphere, claiming Joe Biden not only tried to have a corrupt Ukrainian prosecutor killed, but actually succeeded. Twice. Yes, Joe Biden had this dude poisoned, twice, and he died, twice, and CAME BACK TO LIFE...TWICE. Either Rudy Giuliani is a very bad lawyer or Joe Biden is very bad at poisoning people. Somebody should really ask him about that at the next debate, because I think the American President should be, at minimum, a competent assassin.
There are certainly less cathartic things than watching loudmouth Trumpkin MMA fighter Colby Covington get his jaw broken by American citizen/Nigerian immigrant/all-around badass Kamaru Usman, a few hours after sharing an endorsement video featuring President Crotchrot’s Large Adult Sons. Dude, if you don’t want millions to delight in your ass-whoopin’, don’t show up in a MAGA cap, spouting racist garbage.
On the Sunday Shoz, Republicans continued Operation: Gaslighting Feebly, desperately hoping no one would fact-check their long-ago-debunked misinformation. Rand Paul tried pulling the “Donald Trump is a mighty anti-corruption warrior” bit, but Jake Tapper pointed out that for a guy who cares so much about corruption, he sure did run a fraudulent university and a fraudulent charity and also surround himself with an inordinate number of felons, and Paul tried to kill Tapper with his mind, but was unsuccessful.
And Ted Cruz accused Democrats of not caring about corruption, as part of his ongoing campaign to cover up Donald Trump’s corruption, which is more or less his whole job now, I bet that’s fulfilling. Cruz further claimed Democrats are too pathetically cowed to stand up for their own spouses and parents, and that they all have shitty, embarrassing beards.
The Velveeta Vulgarian, in one of those hours-long Twitter rants that occupy his time while his Idiot Trade War decimates the American agricultural sector, went after Nancy Pelosi’s...wait, her teeth? God, he’s not even a good bully, y’know? After seven decades on Earth, devoted primarily to breaking laws and saying shitty things, he can’t even fling an insult without everyone everywhere immediately realizing, “oh, he’s projecting again.”
Confusion reigns in Shartopia, as Team Treasonweasel apparently actually managed to convince themselves that the “strategy” of trotting subpar white dudes like Doug Collins and Gym Jordan out in front of the cameras to scream and flail and shit on their desks would make America forget all about the Fascist Farthuffer’s high crimes n’ misdemeanors, and flock to him in the millions, begging forgiveness for ever choosing the dumb ol’ Constitution over his rotten, fetid, corruption. Adding insult to injury, it was a Fux Nooz poll that delivered the blow. Ouch.
William Webster, who formerly served as director of both the FBI and the CIA, which is like the national security equivalent of EGOTing, wrote a little op-ed in the Failing New York Times about how the authoritarian assaults on law enforcement by Hairplug Himmler and his pet Attorney General, William Barr, are, y’know, bad. Now, Webster is deeply respected, and Republican, but I’m sure by the time you read this, he’ll have been tarred as just another nefarious deep state operative by the right wing propaganda machine.
We’re basically coming down to decent, competent, thoughtful, patriots versus screeching cretins. And I’m starting to see what the cretins get out of this, honestly. If expertise were still valued, would a theocratic thug like Mike Pompeo ever even sniff real power? If it weren’t for Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, Stephen Miller would still be toiling ineffectually on Jeff Sessions’ staff, now he’s tormenting millions of people all over the globe. It’s Revenge of the Almost-But-Not-Quite Mediocre, and frankly, I think America can do better.
And Carly Fiorina, who you may remember as Ted Cruz’s “running mate” for about a 1.5 Scaramuccis, declared her position on impeachment, which seems to be Impeachment is Super Important But Removal is Probably Bad Also I Reserve the Right to Vote Dotard in 2020, and I’m not even going to TRY to understand how such an utterly batshit ethical balancing act works, but maybe some really masochistic scientist is up to the challenge?
Hey, due to website glitches over the weekend, the ACA open enrollment period has been extended to this Wednesday, December 18th, 3 A.M. EST. Spread the word, because your current government won’t; they have this weird thing where they don’t want American citizens to know about the health care coverage they’re legally entitled to, because they hate us and want us to suffer. Yeah, I think it’s weird, too.
Let’s wrap this thing up on a great big victory, shall we? After decades of running scared from the blood-crazed death merchants over at the National Rifle Association, we just straight fuckin’ beat the bastards. For the first time since the 1990’s, Congress has appropriated millions for federal research on gun violence! Mr. LaPierre, I hope you’ve made your donors buy you plenty of Kleenex for that mansion of yours, because you’ve got a lot of losing ahead you, and like, people use tissues to wipe away tears when they’re sad, from like, losing and stuff, is the joke I was goin’ for. Ok, I kinda lost control of this paragraph, folks, but I’ll be back in form next time, promise.
...but for now, I’m goin’ drinkin’. Anyway, I’ve got some work to do on a fun new project that I’m absolutely dying to tell y’all about, but it’s not quiiiiiiiiiite time.
Can't Photoshop Your Way Out of Impeachment, Dotard (Ferret/ShowerCap)
I’ve written Santa more than three dozen letters asking him to please please please just let me wake the fuck up, but at this point I’m once again forced to conclude that this is indeed real life. The good news, I suppose, is that the beer is also real; let’s round up the news so we can get to our weekends...
(No links tonight, because the computer went screwy, but here’s the original on my site anyway: http://showercapblog.com/cant-photoshop-your-way-out-of-impeachment-dotard/)
Well, Sergei Lavrov dropped by the Oval to change the batteries and reposition the mics on the recording devices inside the Resolute desk, and to pick up all the really sensitive classified intelligence that Putin’s Personal Pet President can’t simply relay over the phone. Always cool to see the Commander in Chief pose, grinning, next to the representative of a hostile foreign nation gleefully celebrating a successful attack on the good ol’ USA.
I’m starting to think maybe William Barr was raised on a steady diet of old WWII movies, and for most of his life he’s been quietly sitting on the secret that he identifies mainly with the German side, but now he’s finally free to let his fascist freak flag fly. Yes, Burgher Billy is certainly living his best life, but regrettably for those of us who value democracy, he’s a power-crazed autocrat, and also, tragically, Attorney General of the United States. This is my long-winded way of saying yes, Barr is still lying at the top of his lungs about the DoJ inspector general’s report, as part of his ongoing work attacking American law enforcement and the very concept of objective truth, with the intention of installing Hairplug Himmler as an absolute dictator, permanently beyond the reach of the law. Can we get the masculine toilet guy back, please?
Everyone enjoyed a little laugh at the Shart Campaign when they released an ad depicting the Marmalade Shartcannon as Thanos, the villain from a little-known series of art films (I believe based on unused Ingmar Bergman scripts), who tries to wipe out billions of lives. Folks, they KNOW they’re the bad guys. This movement aspires to genocide. Watch them next time they gather, whip themselves into a fury, and start screaming BUILD THE WALL. Listen to them. THEY KNOW.
...which is why everyone is so uncomfortable with Tangerine Idi Amin’s extremely creepy move to proclaim Judaism a nationality, rather than just a religion. Forgive us if we doubt the sincerity of your commitment to “fight anti-Semitism on campus,” what with your white-supremacist-packed administration, your famous support of the Very Fine “Jews will not replace us” People, and OH YEAH your long personal history of anti-Semitism.
Well, Strawberry Shartcake finally paid that bill he owed for stealing from charity. Anyway, if anybody needs me, I’ll be listening to evangelical “Christians” as they lecture the rest of us about how he’s God’s chosen representative on Earth, presumably because what Jesus would do is STEAL FROM CHARITY TO BUY PAINTINGS OF HIMSELF.
Raging uncontrollably at finally facing comeuppance for the first time in his contemptible, criminal, life, Government Cheese Goebbels held perhaps his most disturbing, unhinged, Klan rally yet, spewing lies and fear and dehumanizing hatred from that ruptured sewage pipe he calls a mouth. Of course, in a year or so, we’ll look back whimsically at the days when he didn’t explicitly order his shitty little cultists to murder his enemies, won’t we?
Fat Q*Bert really isn’t taking impeachment well, you know. Did you see where he tweeted something like 100 times in one day? Heh. He used to be able to commandeer an entire news cycle with a single tweet, now he’s just puking ineffectively into the void. That was the most powerful weapon in his arsenal; without it, he’s just an old man who doesn’t know how to dress himself.
Donald of the House Trump, Dumbest of his Name, The Unlearned, Ruiner of Steaks and Loser of Court Cases has once again suffered a humiliating court defeat, with a federal judge ruling “Fuck no, you can’t just steal money Congress appropriated for specific military projects and spend it on your Big Dumb Wall, you dolt! Bro, do you even Constitution?” I don’t get what the fuss is about, honestly. I think we all understand his misinformation-hungry base would happily accept a couple of tweets of doctored Lego commercials as irrefutable proof that the wall is being built, and the libs are being owned.
Seems it was Mike Crapo’s turn to block bipartisan election security legislation in the Senate, which he enthusiastically did, proclaiming the bill designed to thwart foreign interference in American elections to be...anti-Trump. The unwillingness to defend the homeland is certainly frustrating, but the honesty is refreshing at least.
Proving the Trump family’s fierce dedication to rooting out corruption whersoe’er it rears its ugly head, Shitsack, Jr. went to Mongolia to hunt and kill an endangered sheep, and then traded on Daddy’s name to have a permit retroactively issued. Have you noticed there’s never a “Wow, one of the Trumps did something halfway decent for once” story? That’d be real news, wouldn’t it? Like “Eric rescued a drowning kitten, maybe these people really do have human souls?” Nope, just “Walking Avatar of White Privilege Exploits Political Power to Murder Rare, Beautiful, Creature.”
Teenaged climate activist Greta Thunberg was proclaimed public enemy #1, for the dual crimes of believing in science and cheating Boss Turdmaggot out of his rightful place on the cover of every issue of Time Magazine forever. And so the President of the United States, who, according to his medical records, is an adult, weaponized the full might of his pulpit to bully a 16-year-old girl with Asperger’s syndrome, because he is (and science backs me up on this) a steaming pile of monkey shit. Anyway, Greta effortlessly, flawlessly, popped him like a zit.
And yes, this despicable act was met with complete silence from the very people who were just recently wailing like a non-equity theatre company putting on Blood Wedding over an entirely fabricated slight to young Barron Trump. A lot of folks are crying hypocrisy here, but the two incidents actually display remarkable consistency; both demonstrate the eagerness to give in to any opportunity that presents itself, however ridiculous, to express blind, seething, hatred of the left, which is pretty much the only “principle” the GOP has left. And by the time you read this, they’ll have found a shiny new reason to hate us. Probably several.
A whistleblower revealed a pattern of abuse in ICE detention facilities, involving inadequate medical care that’s lead to preventable surgeries, and even several deaths. Gosh, who could ever have imagined such tragic atrocities could take place in a white nationalist government’s concentration camps?
Good Gravy, looks like Ousted Mini-Trump Matt Bevin ate a whole Costco-sized tub of Red Vines and went on a pardoning spree before his voter-mandated return to private life. Looking to spite Kentucky for rejecting him, Bevin released numerous violent criminals back onto the streets, including a dude who beheaded a woman, a child rapist, a guy who killed his parents, and hey, how’d this happen, a murderer whose family once threw a fundraiser for...Matt Bevin. Anyway, nice of Matty to make such a clear, concise, “y’all were quite wise indeed to fire my demented ass” gesture on the way out the door.
Louie Gohmert publicly outed the person many Republicans believe is the famous whistleblower, because everyone who’s anyone in conservative politics these days is an unethical sleezebag with no respect for the rule of law. I confess I have a difficult time visualizing Louie’s district...what sort of community looks at such an obviously subpar, yammering, nitwit and says “Truly, he is the greatest among us. Let us send him forth, to represent us and to craft our laws?”
Rumor has it, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits is toying with the idea of skipping the 2020 presidential debates altogether, because A) he is coward, and B) he can no longer stand for 45 minutes without shitting himself. It continues to amaze me that some people think this trembling man-baby is “tough.”
And of course you know by now the House Judiciary Committee voted, on partisan lines, to advance two articles of impeachment against Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot; abuse of power, and obstruction of Congress. Personally I think “transgressions against Perfectly Good Steak” woulda been a slam dunk, but I’m not a lawyer. Anyway, I don’t know what’s controversial here, since Donnie Dotard has not only confessed to the crimes he’s accused of, but helpfully provided documentary evidence. I mean, you’d have to be a totally lawless, 100% post-truth party in order to defend th-oh right, I forgot.
Republicans on the committee delighted in showy, time-wasting, procedural theatre, competing with one another for that prized indignant-screeching-on-Fux-Nooz-clip glory, only to have Chairman Jerry Nadler deny them their sought-after “Democrats impeached the President in the dead of night” talking point by suspending the hearing until Friday morning. Tuckered out after four long days of belching up gibbering nonsense like a background Dr. Seuss character on a meth bender, the Judiciary Republicans whined that they didn’t WANNA go to work on Friday, but little boys, you are in the minority now, learn to love it. Or don’t. It’s more fun if you don’t, honestly.
And Mitch McConnell, that treacherous terrapin, promised “total coordination” with Team Treasonweasel in the upcoming Senate impeachment trial, and you know, I’m starting to doubt he’s taking his constitutional duty to serve as an impartial juror seriously. If only the Constitution had a Twitter platform, to assail the lack of due process from.
Through all the cacophonous madness, Amerikkka’s Mayor, Rudy Giuliani, is still out there, pinballing madly around the globe, fuckin’ rats like they were his own cousins.
Meanwhile, the Kompromat Kid has further limited the number of officials who are allowed to listen in on his calls with foreign leaders, as well as reducing the number who even get to read the transcripts after the fact, just the latest extremely-non-suspicious act from a totally innocent guy who is in no way still committing crimes. I suppose it would probably be cool to have a president who was more interested in serving the American people than in minimizing the number of witnesses to their illegal acts, but, and I cannot stress this enough...her e-mails.
So, anyhow...next week it’ll be official: Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Jesus, I’m getting impeached!”) is getting impeached. You know, plenty of swing district Dems, including several members of the awesome freshman class we fought so hard to elect, will be risking their careers in voting for those articles of impeachment next week. I hope y’all are setting aside a little cash to help ‘em out next fall.
And that’s all I’ve got for ya this week. But be on the lookout...something very new, very different, and very cool is on the way...until then, stay safe, Resisters!
Yes, Everything is Awful, But at Least We Can All Enjoy Watching Ted Cruz Dissolve Into Nothingness
Let me just say that in this age of disinformation, I think it’s troubling that you can trust a drunken maniac in a bathrobe and a luchador mask more than an entire political party with millions of members. But, sadly, unlike the institutional GOP, I’m not making any of this shit up.
(You guessed it, this post can be found, with all them nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/yes-everything-is-awful-but-at-least-we-can-all-enjoy-watching-ted-cruz-dissolve-into-nothingness/)
Before we get started tonight, we should pause to note that the cheap crook the entire Republican Party is immolating their reputations for is a drooling idiot, ranting about the immorality of babies being born “in the ninth month.” I guess gestation is partisan now. Anyway, we all know these clowns can never, ever admit Boss Turdworm was wrong about anything, so expect a mass MAGA movement for forced premature births any day now.
Ben Carson’s HUD has been illegally withholding billions in hurricane aid from Puerto Rico, the latest reminder that our current government despises its citizens and wants them to suffer. One of these days, Dr. Ben is gonna come home and find Jesus has vacated that one creepy little portrait, leaving behind only a Post-it telling him he’s a douchebag, and a book about the pyramids.
An increasing number of newspaper editorial boards, including the Los Angeles Times and the Boston Globe, 9 out of 10 doctors, and 30 Helens agree: we need to impeach this motherfucker before he signs the Sixth Fleet over to Putin as a birthday present. Anyway if we haven’t been perfectly clear already, the editorial board here at Shower Cap’s Blog* absolutely believes Weehands McNodick should be impeached, prosecuted, and imprisoned at the bottom of a Lollapalooza outhouse for the remainder of his natural life. And beyond, come to think of it.
Hairplug Himmler apparently now feels comfortable ranting like a Nazi in front of a roomful of Jewish Americans, cramming a mind-boggling number of anti-Semitic tropes into a single speech before the Israeli American Council, insisting, for example, that they’d have no choice but to vote for him because Elizabeth Warren wants a wealth tax and everyone knows how much Jews love money HAW HAW HAW anyway pay no attention to the concentration camps I’ve already opened on American soil.
Sharty McFly’s Ambassador to Denmark demanded that the Danish Atlantic Council disinvite an expert speaker who was deemed insufficiently loyal to Emperor Cowpie, which barely even made the news this week, because nowadays we fully expect our cowardly, fascist, government to pull cowardly, fascist, shit like this. Anyway, the whole damn conference is cancelled now, and the dessert buffet was gonna be absolutely fucking spectacular, but now you don’t get any delicious pastries at all, you sniveling authoritarian shitweasel.
Big shout-out to Linda Ronstadt for calling Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo out right to his shitty, craven, enabling, face. I don’t know much, Mike, but I know you’re a traitor to everything America stands for. And y'know what? That may be all I need to know.
Well, fuck me sideways with a tuba, the Marmalade Shartcannon is already campaigning with the motherfucking war criminals he pardoned. In his defense, it’s gotta be pretty tough to dig up Americans whose lives he’s actually improved; the options are basically billionaires, psychopathic murderers, and Sean Hannity’s agent. Maybe Vlad’ll be down to take a little vacation next year, give the keynote at the RNC.
President Crotchvoid blocked a proposed United Nations meeting on North Korea’s human rights violations, and was promptly repaid with a barrage of childish insults and threats. The next challenge coin should depict Kim Jong-un riding Littlefinger like a pony.
Since the truth is so inescapably damning for their Turd Emperor, Republicans have gone all-in on disinformation, and if the republic burns as a result, well, somebody tell Charlie Koch to buy up all the marshmallow companies. Anyway, Mark Meadows got all hot n’ bothered when an interviewer suggested Kid Kompromat asked Ukraine to investigate the Bidens, insisting such a thing never happened. Now, the bloated old fuck stood right on the White House lawn and asked Ukraine AND China to investigate the Bidens, live on television, but Meadows, like a community theatre actor in the Charles Boyer role in Gaslight**, thinks he can just razzle-dazzle us into forgetting all that. As is the case in so many things, Mark Meadows is super fuckin' wrong.
The GOP is about a week away from sending Gym Jordon out on the Sunday Shoz to breathlessly (and jacketlessly) rave, “You’re suggesting there’s some sort of magical device that lets people have conversations with other people halfway around world? How could Trump have done anything wrong on the Zelensky phone call if there’s NO SUCH THING AS A PHONE, Chuck?”
Chickenshit Beard-Ruiner Ted Cruz became the latest Republican official to trade in his American flag lapel pin for a set of Kremlin talking points, parroting Putin propaganda on behalf of the petty crook who insulted his wife and his father, and who would merrily shit right down his throat for a nickel. I’m gonna call up Ricky Gervais to pitch a cringe comedy mockumentary that follows Calgary Cruz around, watching as he sells the last decaying remnants of his soul for hard candy and fistful of shiny beads.
So, apparently Shart Administration Medicare chief Seema Verma enjoys traveling with a fat pile of expensive jewelry. Verma doesn’t seem to enjoy insuring that jewelry, or storing it in a secure location, nearly as much though, and when she got robbed on a recent trip, she thought “A-HA! This looks like a job for...the AMERICAN TAXPAYER!” and she tried to stick us chumps with the fucking bill. I’d like to see a report on just how much of the rapidly-expanding deficit is driven by Trump appointee grifting, wouldn’t you?
As expected, the Justice Department inspector general’s report found the FBI committed no wrongdoing in opening their investigation into the Treasonweasel campaign, which was, again, stuffed with felons and operating with the aid and approval of Vladimir Putin, who correctly viewed the Manchurian Manchild as the perfect vehicle to divide and weaken the United States. I confess I think it’s kinda weird, that it’s headline news when there turns out to be zero evidence for an obviously-fabricated conspiracy theory, but then, there are quite a few aspects of life in 2019 that are sub-optimal, aren’t there?
Redactor General Billy Barr dashed off a cynical little note proclaiming the report found more or less the precise opposite of its actual findings, confident that’d be good enough to tide the rubes over, until they settle on the next date for the mass QAnon arrests, or the rapture, or whatever horseshit they ultimately decide to stake their frail sense of identity to. Luckily, Billy B has long since blown his credibility with his mendacious Mueller memo and other acts of hyper-partisan sycophancy, so he’s lost most of his ability to set the narrative.
The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor himself lamented the findings of an imaginary report that exists only in his mind, next to the damaged brain cells that tell him he’s respected by world leaders and attractive to women, expressing whinging outrage at the deep state conspiracy against him, ensuring Cult45 can go on ignoring all those pesky, inconvenient facts, and burrow ever deeper into the warm, comforting, blanket of victimhood.***
Fun little sidebar to the IG report, while the famous Steele dossier was not a factor in the FBI’s decision to investigate Putin’s Personal Pet Presidential Candidate, the wily British spy had, in the past, been known to hang around with...Ivanka Trump. You hear that, Dotard? Your daughter’s been hiding a secret relationship with Christopher Steele from you. I bet she’s the one who told him about the pee tape.
And of course the House Judiciary Committee Impeachment Hearings/Subpar White Conservative Dude Clown Show rolled on. Democrats clearly and devastatingly laid out the case against Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, while Republicans screamed, lied, and in fleeting moments of virtuoso multi-tasking, screamed lies. I would almost pity the editing team at Fux Nooz tasked with splicing that overflowing vomitorium of hot nonsense into something resembling a coherent, pro-Trump, narrative, if they weren’t, y’know, trying to destroy American democracy.
Dr. Ronny Jackson, accused of drinking on the job, irresponsibly doling out opioids, and overseeing an abusive working environment, is now running for Congress in Texas, because of course he is. It would be cool if “I lied about the President’s weight and health and will continue to lie for him in the House of Representatives” were the kind of thing that was more likely to kill a career in Republican politics than boost it, but I ain’t holdin’ my breath.
Ok everybody, that’s enough for one night. The sooner we go to bed, the sooner it’s Articles of Impeachment morning, don’t forget to leave cookies out for Nancy Pelosi!
*The editorial board is made up of Cap, his cat, and...nope, that's it.
**I fucking know it’s called Angel Street. I’m a failed actor, remember?
***This week only, take 25% off the Blanket of Victimhood in the Shower Cap Store!****
****There is no Shower Cap Store. You can buy me a beer, tho.
The Turds of a Turd, and Other Most Unpleasant News (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, I was hoping the turkey leftovers had gone bad, and maybe the gravy had fermented to the point where I was hallucinating all this madness, but then I remembered I had Thanksgiving at a friend’s place, so I don’t have any leftovers, meaning all this shit really happened. Fuck.
(As always, you can get this post, in living color and with helpful gnus links, here: http://showercapblog.com/the-turds-of-a-turd-and-other-most-unpleasant-news/)
Redactor General William Barr has some advice for those uppity Black Lives Matter types: “you’ll take your police brutality and institutional white supremacy, and you’ll like it!” Yes, the most powerful law enforcement official in the country thinks that folks who don’t want to be harassed, or assaulted, or even killed by the very officers who are allegedly tasked with protecting them, are disrespectful and ungrateful, and probably undeserving of any police protection at all. Fucking hell. Who else is looking forward to swearing a loyalty oath as a precondition for dialing 911?
Well, Little Donnie Two-Scoops ran crying from the NATO summit in London, after video surfaced of world leaders mocking him for the sad, silly, oaf that he is, only to run face-first into Diamond Joe Biden’s merciless ad, which brutally reminds the American people that competence is still an option. Lord, even Boris frickin’ Johnson is laughing at us, and that clod couldn’t find his own dick with a map.
And the House Judiciary Committee’s impeachment hearings confirmed that President Crotchrot’s conduct in his Ukraine scheme is indeed 31 flavors of impeachable, on account of being all corrupt n’ illegal n’ shit. The GOP’s witness engaged in all the predictable partisan hackery, desperately contorting himself to manufacture some standard that condemned Bill Clinton yet exonerated the Candycorn Skidmark, even as journalists unearthed his past writings insisting Obama deserved to be impeached for using the correct forks at a multi-course meal, because such snobbish savvy is clearly unconstitutional. Anyway, the dude also wanted us to know that his dog is mad, and if I were a blithering jackass’ dog, I’d probably be mad, too. Shit on the carpet, Jonathan Turley’s Dog, America has your back.
In the midst of the hearing, Stanford professor Pamela Karlan stood up, chanted a satanic prayer, and drove a dagger into the chest of a voodoo doll in the shape of Barron Trump, or least that’s what I’m hearing from the right wing jagoffosphere. I suppose I should check out the actual footage, to see what Karlan actually said...
...wait, what? That’s it? Really? Y’all are wailing and moaning and storming the fucking castle over THAT? What, and I’m really asking here, is this pathetic addiction to victimhood consuming the conservative movement these days? You’re like needy children, begging for attention, bawling your eyes out over a lightly-scraped knee. Y’know, setting aside the corruption, the treason, and the plutocracy, I can’t imagine voting for such whiny-ass wusses.
And yes, with a detained migrant teen dying from neglect while in detention, and your utter silence on the tragedies inflicted on thousands of other innocent kids separated from their families and locked up in cages by your racist, hate-fueled regime, I’m gonna go ahead on call bullshit on your disingenuous WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN screeching.
Getting back to the hearings before I puke all over my shoes...Louie Gohmert, the man who is the reason there are warning labels about using toasters in the bathtub, briefly mocked the idea of obtaining a higher education at an elite institution, before spending the rest of the day trapped in a revolving door.
Louie’s malignant colleague, Duncan Hunter, got his felonious wrist slapped by the House Ethics Committee, for continuing to vote after pleading guilty to his many crimes. Maybe Duncan can form himself a little You’re Paying Us to Sit in the Back Row and Tell Each Other Racist Jokes Caucus with Steve King. UPDATE: no cruddy study buddy for Steve-O, Duncan is resigning to spend more time with his prison cell.
Matt Gaetz, jealously eyeing Gohmert’s “Dumbest Man in Congress” title, suggested maybe the committee was impeaching the wrong president, before leaving on a Da Vinci Code-esque quest to uncover the real truth about Millard Fillmore, all the shit the deep state fake news liberal media has been hiding from you sheeple. Maybe he can set up a YouTube channel and livestream his own slow death when he locks himself in an Abercrombie & Fitch dressing room.
The Shitmaggot Administration announced new cuts to food stamps, kicking as many as 700,000 Americans off the program, because, and I’m not sure how this is still unclear to so many, REPUBLICANS HATE PEOPLE AND ONLY WANT THEM TO SUFFER.
Just announced from Marvel Studios: SUPER-VILLAIN TEAM-UP, starring George Zimmerman and Larry Klayman! Yes, the two worst human beings who’ve somehow not yet held jobs in the Trump administration are getting together to sue Trayvon Martin’s family, on the novel legal theory that you should not only be allowed to murder black children whenever you feel like it, but that the victim’s relatives should finance a life of luxury for you afterwards. If we ever get around to building that giant catapult, to launch Donald Trump in the sun, I have an idea for some test subjects.
So, Nancy Pelosi officially announced the House will indeed be impeaching the motherfucker, prompting a disgraced pervert hack, previously deemed too gross even for Fux Nooz, currently “reporting” for Sinclair, to suggest she was doing so just cuz she hates Hairplug Himmler personally, probably because she never gets invited to any of the cool parties where Jared Kushner auctions off highly-classified state secrets to the highest bidder. Nancy told the little creep precisely where he could stick that idea, and went back to work, passin’ historic legislation, because that is simply how she rolls.
Meanwhile Rudy Giuliani continues his Wine, Corruption, & You Wouldn’t Happen to Have Any Incest, Wouldja? tour of Ukraine, palling around with the skeeviest crooks in Eastern Europe, probably trying to forge anti-Biden evidence out of Play-Doh and Marmite. With Republicans already testing the feeble defense that it doesn’t count as a crime if you don’t get away with it, maybe Rudy-Roo’s plan is to insist you can’t impeach 'em if they never stop breaking the law? “You must gather all the evidence and you can’t possibly have it because I’ve got more crimez lined up for Thursday at 2:30 here check my day planner.”
Oh, and it turns out Donnie and Rudes have been conducting their blundering, Going-In-Style-only-treasonous international extortion scheme...using unsecured personal cellphones! I don’t know what the big deal is. I mean, the knock here is that Russia was probably listening in? So? Kid Kompromat already just passes that info along to Vlad willingly, along with the fruits of our entire intelligence-gathering apparatus, in his weekly report.
I’m still waiting to hear some outrage from Information Security Aficionado Trey Gowdy, unless he’s still trying to join the team DEFENDING these disloyal fuckwads in their efforts to hide their communications from the American people, and even Sharty McFly’s own staff. Gosh, you don’t think Gowdy Doody’s long public crusade against Hillary Clinton over her e-mail server was motivated by blind partisanship, do you?
Alleged Rational, Moderate, Republican Nikki Haley is mad as heck at Dylann Roof, because of the nine human beings he murdered in an act of white supremacist terror, JUST KIDDING she’s upset that he besmirched the honor of the Confederate Flag, which certainly never had anything to do with racism or hate before he came along and ruined it for everybody. Look, libtards, the Confederacy seceded because the mean ol’ North wanted to keep all the puppies and flowers and sugary breakfast cereals for themselves, that’s just science, Dinesh D’Souza told me so.
A Saudi national carried out a mass shooting on a Naval base in Pensacola, Florida, killing three, and the Offal in the Oval immediately turned his Twitter platform over to the Saudi government to spread their preferred messaging, and if you’re wondering why the President of the United States is quicker to leap at MBS’ whims than the American people’s needs, well, maybe we’ll get to see those tax returns some day.
The House passed a much-needed restoration of the Voting Rights Act, with just one teeny-tiny Republican vote, because Democracy is a partisan issue now, in Donald Trump’s fascism-curious Amerikkka, how fun. Look, if people are allowed to vote, then you’ve gotta start listening to them and doing the things they want, and when you’re a white supremacist hate cult that’s primarily in the business of cutting rich people’s taxes, popular input is an obstacle, and so here we are. Y’all are registered to vote next year, right?
After weeks of whining about not being allowed to participate in the impeachment process, the Shart House issued a petulant, crayon-scrawled, little note proclaiming that they are refusing to participate in the impeachment process, and, ignoring the shameless hypocrisy, honestly, it’s the best tactical decision they’ve made in months. I mean, they’re guilty as fuck and twice as stupid; the last time they tried defending themselves, Mick Mulvaney confessed to everything live on camera, and the time before that they signed off on an official document that inarguably proves the Manchurian Manchild’s guilt, so maybe just taping the boss’ mouth shut and trusting in the Senate GOP’s spinelessness is the right move here.
I guess now we have to talk about the Adderall-Addled Assclown’s turds, which are apparently such monstrous wads of under-chewed fast food as to thwart White House plumbing. Obviously, the real trouble here is that Donnie Dotard can’t operate the handle with his stunted, ineffectual, phalanges, but apparently he’s tasking the entire dang EPA with finding a solution. Anyway, it must be cool, being a Republican Senator, watching this dolt ramble like an over-medicated toddler about his unflushable poo logs, knowing you’ve lashed your reputation to his forever.
Fuck it, I’m done. I’m smashing my phone with a sledgehammer and leaving for the weekend. Like the engine of the Starship Enterprise, I cannae take anymore. Stay safe out there, Resisters.
Duncan Hunter joins Manafort, Stone, Cohen and Collins in an Exclusive Club, and Other Gnus (Ferret)
Hey there, Resisters. I hope you enjoyed the long holiday weekend, and that no blood was shed over the Thanksgiving table, no matter how loudly Uncle Earl read those Daily Wire posts during dessert. Anyway, I got this amazing Black Friday deal for double the madness, and ten times the corruption of a typical presidential administration, and all it cost me was my peace of mind for three years and counting. Join me for the unboxing...
(And yeah, like always, this post is available, in living color, with nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/duncan-hunter-joins-manafort-stone-cohen-and-collins-in-an-exclusive-club-and-other-gnus/)
Didja see where Martin O’Malley shamed White Nationalist Scrotum Tumor Ken Cuccinelli right out of an Irish pub over his role in operating the concentration camps full of traumatized kids on American soil, which, I’ll remind you, is somehow a partisan issue here in Donald Trump’s Amerikkka? Now, Cooch is an absolute monster in the shape of a man, and he should never be allowed to leave his home without a legion of decent Americans puking all over his child-torturing ass, so I sincerely hope somebody bought Marty a beer.
Desperate, in the face of his looming impeachment trial, to seem as though he periodically does his actual job, and with ample time to spare since it’s tough to commit crimes at the moment, at least till the heat dies down, Government Cheese Goebbels finally, after nearly three years, visited our troops in a war zone overseas. Anyway, he whined a whole bunch, took some pictures, attacked the media, and of course demanded credit for a new round of peace talks with the Taliban, which, like the overwhelming majority of his loudly-trumpeted "accomplishments," seem to exist only in his rapidly-deteriorating mind. And the right-wing jagosphere praised him like the second coming for stumbling over this lowest of hurdles.
Ilhan Omar’s would-be Republican opponent got herself permanently banned from Twitter, for repeatedly demanding the Congresswoman be hanged, so I’m juuuuust about ready for another lecture on civility, aren't you? Yeah, threatening violence is a pretty damn compelling reason to boot someone off your platform, I think. Yes, she’s still a member in good standing of the Republican Party, why do you ask?
Ex-Congressjag Charlie Dent insists his former Republicoward colleagues are privately disgusted by the Candycorn Skidmark’s conduct, even as they obsequiously stand guard by the door while he rolls up the Constitution like a tube and uses it to jam rabid hamsters up his ass. Lord. It’s like privately disapproving of the plague while leaving food out for the rats. Fuck you, Charlie, and fuck your craven friends.
New polling reveals a majority of Republicans now say that next to President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster, Abraham Lincoln was a cuck! Folks, is anyone surprised? Honest Abe FREED the slaves, of COURSE they don’t like him.
Willie Stark Cosplayer John Kennedy walked back his earlier walkback of nonsensical, debunked, conspiracy theories about Ukraine interfering in the 2016 election, ensuring the Louisiana Senator has enough Russian propaganda stuffed in his treasonous jowls to last through the whole winter. Never mind the fact that the GOP-controlled Senate Intelligence Committee found no evidence to support such garbage even though Richard Burr really picked over that pile of horseshit, hopefully and diligently.
Team Treasonweasel declined Jerry Nadler’s invitation to participate in the House Judiciary Committee’s impeachment hearings this week, opting to stick with disingenuous whining about due process, because dance with who brung ya, right? Look, there’s no point in heading up a thoroughly brainwashed cult if you’re not going to take advantage of their blind obedience. Yes, the plan is to piss on Cult 45’s leg and tell them it’s raining. And they will dutifully don their slickers and boots.
Lisa Page broke her long silence in an interview with the Daily Beast, talking about how fun it is, having the President of the United States attack you with his When-Harry-Met-Sally-Only-Evil routine during of one of those nationally-televised Klan rallies. Turns out being targeted from the most powerful pulpit in the world, for an army of rage-filled lunatics who’ve already carried out multiple acts of terror against perceived enemies, is somewhat less than awesome, who could have guessed?
I guess somebody told Duncan Hunter that screeching WITCH HUNT at the top of his lungs was a strategy unlikely to prevail at trial, and so he decided to plead guilty to all those crimes he committed. Yes, the first two U.S. Congressthugs to endorse the Marmalade Shartcannon are both confessed, convicted, felons now. I continue to believe one underrated challenge to Fat Q*Bert’s re-election chances will be the sheer number of his supporters who will be behind bars come November 2020, for everything from campaign finance violations to terrorism.
The Hairplug That Ate Decency keeps on stackin’ up victories in his Big Dumb Trade War, which would be great, if it weren’t for the fact that he’s waging it on HIS OWN FUCKING ECONOMY. Yes, the manufacturing sector contracted for the fourth consecutive month, because to Donnie Dotard, American workers are little more than the insignificant residents of an ant farm he got for Xmas; he’s uninterested in anyone’s well-being, he just likes shaking shit up and watching everyone run around in terror.
I should really just format these blog posts to automatically insert a paragraph reading something like, “Tangerine Idi Amin, continuing his rich family tradition of getting his ass good n’ righteously whooped in court, lost in court again today.” Seriously, the Trump crest should just be a drawing of a dead-eyed moron getting bashed in the crotch with a gavel. Anyway, from the attempted blocking of Don McGahn’s testimony to concealing his tax returns, the Lackluster Legal Loser keeps on doin’ what he does best: losing.
Redactor General Billy Barr finds the coming DoJ inspector general’s report insufficiently condemnatory of the department he oversees, because he doesn’t want anything as silly as “a complete and total lack of evidence” to interfere with his fabricated narrative about the devious deep state spying on the virtuous Shart Campaign, which, just to remind everyone real quick, is part of his crazed effort to discredit the Russia investigation, which revealed dozens of crimes, up to and including an attack on the United States by a hostile foreign power, and WHY Bronco Billy is so eager to discredit American law enforcement on behalf of an enemy nation is a question for another day, but let me just pronounce myself available for jury duty when that day comes.
House Democrats’ impeachment report, in addition to neatly summarizing the light-years-beyond-reasonable-doubt case against Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot and his team of cud-brained extortionists, delivered some surprising news about a certain soggy pigfucker who shall remain nameless JUST KIDDING IT’S DEVIN NUNES. Yes, it seems our boy Devin had a number of phone calls with Rudy Giuliani and his indicted partner, Lev Parnas. Which he failed to disclose before the impeachment hearings. You can go ahead and set fire to your Xmas list, D, you’re firmly in the naughty column this year, Santa frowns on treason.
Obviously, it’s an extremely normal sign of a super-healthy democracy, when a member of a criminal conspiracy holds such an important post on the committee tasked with investigating that conspiracy. Anyway, the House Republicans’ version of the report, crafted by co-conspirator Nunes and Jim “Yeah, that’s Strauss” Jordan, again takes advantage of the automatic credulousness of the Cult of the Dotard, essentially smearing “Nuh UH” on the walls in their own feces, confident that will be more than enough for the pizzagate crowd, and tragically, they’re not exactly wrong.
By the way, Rudykins had quite the little calling tree, it turns out. He was even in contact with some mystery traitor at OMB, who we’ll call, what? Individual 942 by now? I dunno, maybe the ol’ Cousin-Fucker was just trying to organize a transatlantic plutocrat potluck dinner, but these new revelations, coupled with his televised confessions, don’t exactly assuage my suspicions, to be honest.
Half-assing a favorite maneuver from Gaslighting for Dummies, Shart Garfunkel pulled the old “I don’t know the guy” bit with suddenly-radioactive royal pedophile Prince Andrew, despite a flourishing “Photos of Donald Trump Hanging Out With Prince Andrew, Including at Parties Also Attended By Jeffrey Epstein” scene. I know my country is hopelessly divided right now, but let me say I’m proud to be on the team that never once fell for any of this pathetically-obvious conman shit.
And now former Deputy Director of Intelligence Susan Gordon tells us President Dunning-Kruger Overdrive frequently refused to believe his intelligence briefings, rejecting important information obtained at great risk and cost, because he trusts the yammering idiots on Fux Nooz more. It’s a miracle any of us are still alive.
Ok, that’s all I got for ya, Shower Captives. Kinda light tonight, it’s always quieter when the Manchurian Manchild is overseas. I say let’s enjoy the extended holiday break; he’ll be back to filling the Oval with treachery and overcooked steak farts soon enough.
PS: Seems Devin "PF" Nunes wasn't having a bad enough day, so he decided to open himself up to discovery. Can't fuckin' wait.
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