TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalDid You Know: The American Presidency Comes With a Free Toaster Oven Every 10,000 Lies? (Ferret/SC)
Hey there baby killers! Look, I know you're all busy killing babies (MONDAYS, AMIRITE?), but I wanted to get a news roundup in real quick. Let's wade through muck together, and then we can get back to our infanticide.
(As always, you can find this post, complete with helpful news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/did-you-know-the-american-presidency-comes-with-a-free-toaster-oven-every-10000-lies/)
Shortly after my last post, the Hairplug That Ate Decency called up his BFF* Sean Hannity to talk about boys and clothes and how an investigation into an attack on the United States by a hostile foreign power was actually an attempted coup. He lied a whole fucking bunch, and whined even more. Old man whines like a spoiled little rich kid who didn't get the Happy Meal toy he wanted. Y'know, I totally get how Cult45 laps up his bigotry and vulgarity, but I often wonder how they process the endless, petty, Brad-Dourif-character, sniveling, y'know? “That's MY President! What? YES, THE GUY SULKING LIKE A TODDLER!”
Rod Rosenstein is turning out to be whatcha call a “complex historical figure.” On one hand, he gave us the Mueller investigation in the first place...on the other, lately he's been braiding Donnie Dotard's back hair as dutifully as any sycophant this side of Mick Mulvaney. According to the Washington Post, during the heady days of Wondering Whether or Not American Democracy Could Withstand the Tyrannical Tantrums of a Wannabe Dictator Who was Trying to Tear Down the Entire Legal System to Save His Own Ass, Rowdy Roddy told his dirtbag boss, “Hey, I didn't have the fish, so I can land this plane!” where the plane was the Special Counsel report, but then he had to explain to the President what a metaphor is, which ultimately required nine days, a panel of experts, and 13.5 million in taxpayer dollars.
Anyway, Rosenstein has now officially submitted his resignation letter, thanking his Turd Emperor for all the yucks n’ treason n’ stuff. Let's all wish him luck as he gets to work on that desperate-to-restore-his-reputation memoir everybody knows is coming.
Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley sure doesn't seem to enjoy it when the serfs get all up in his shit about his repeated attempts to take away their health care. Yeah, Charlie, I bet that's annoying. Maybe it's almost as irritating as having an entire political party dedicated to repealing the one law that keeps you alive. We'll call it a draw.
Over the weekend, some of the shittiest old white dudes in the country got into a giant slap fight over the leadership of the National Rifle Association, which strikes me as like fighting a war over a swimming pool full of broken glass, water buffalo diarrhea, and Ebola. Anyway, Dirtbag Death Merchant Oliver North lost to Dirtbag Death Merchant Wayne LaPierre, and to the victor go the spoils, in this case a beer fridge stocked with the blood of children killed in school shootings.
I certainly don't wish violence on anyone, but I think it's bullshit that the NRA can go through an internal civil war without bloodshed while innocent Americans die daily due to the More Murder Means More Money for Me policies they and their well-trained pets in the Republican Party have been forcing on this country for decades. Shit, even as they bickered like heavily-armed children, Tangerine Idi Amin did their bidding, pulling the U.S. out of an arms treaty.
While my distaste for President Crotchvoid should be apparent after two years of writing this blog, honesty compels me to recognize his accomplishments, scant though they may be. We must never allow reflexive partisanship to blind us to the truth; otherwise we're no better than the most deranged deplorable. Therefore, through gritted teeth teeth, I salute you, Mr. President, on the most impressive milestone of your reign; your 10,000th lie, according to WaPo fact-checker Glenn Kessler.
Maybe Democrats are better at running the economy, and giving Americans access to health care, and managing foreign policy, and basically every damn thing the government does, but when it comes to raw, unfiltered, bullshit, we are simply not in Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot's class. We just need to accept that, and move forward. Just like we're never going to have as many white nationalist Congressmen, or pedophile Senate candidates...some things, the GOP just does better. That's life.
Anyway, it looks like Fat Q*Bert wanted to watch that dishonesty odometer roll over in style, belching up 61 different lies at the little Klan rally he staged in Wisconsin on the night of the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner, because he is a coward, and afraid of jokes. The vilest of the 61 (if I had to choose just one, I guess) was the extended rant about abortion-crazed leftists’ apparent thirst for post-birth infanticide.
And of course he knows he's lying, the point here is not to have an honest, nuanced, discussion about reproductive rights, it's to make his maniacal followers believe that his, and therefore their opponents are so depraved, so (and this is the important part) inhuman, that they will happily murder a newborn child even as it draws its first breaths...and surely, anything you would do to such monsters in response, however vile, is justified, and in fact completely moral. It is the same dehumanizing language that has launched genocides throughout history. Please tell me more about this bunch's “economic anxiety.”
You understand, they WANT to hate us that much. And the President WANTS to make them hate us even more. This incitement to violence came mere hours after the latest act of white supremacist terrorism, a shooting at a California synagogue. Six months after the Tree of Life massacre in Pittsburgh, perpetrated by another white supremacist terrorist spouting the very same conspiracy rhetoric Government Cheese Goebbels routinely dispenses to keep his base perpetually enraged. His words have provoked violence before, and they will again. He knows this, he just doesn't give a fuck. He probably likes it.
Now, Sharty McFly’s fixation on Robert E. Lee is a little harder to explain. I mean, sure, he was a traitor and a racist and loser, but there must be something more there. I haven't read a biography or anything, but did Bob E. ever fuck his own daughter? Cuz that would totally explain it.
Yeah, Dorito Mussolini, with all the self-control of a kid who just got his braces off in a candy shop with forty different flavors of salt water taffy**, rose to Joe Biden's bait, and took America on a nostalgic trip down memory lane, to the most despised moment of his outhouse presidency, defending his Let's Not Be So Hard on the Nazis response to the tragedy at Charlottesville.
Politically, you're almost kinda grateful that the Adderall-Addled Assclown can't stop himself from dragging this garbage up, but holy fuckballs, how much hate must that bloated shitweasel carry in his heart that he just can't keep his fucking mouth shut when it comes to defending white supremacists?
Like, if you were writing a TV show or a novel about a white nationalist American President, you might include a scene where he comments on the NFL draft by ignoring a black #1 pick only to single out the #2 pick, a white kid with a history of...oh, let's charitably call it “racially insensitive social media activity,” for praise. And then you'd cut that scene because it's too fucking blatant. And yet it happened, right here in Real Fuckin’ Life, aka Hell.
Still, watching the Marmalade Shartcannon's slimy surrogates attempt to defend the indefensible is always good for a chuckle. One of these days, Don the Con is gonna set Kellyanne Conway on fire, just to make her go out on TV to indignantly insist that she's not on fire, that Trump was 100% correct to set her on fire, and that Democrats are weak for attempting to extinguish her.
Anyway, I don't want to make it seem like the whole Republican Party is increasingly in the grip of racist hatred. Certainly not the Kootenai County, Idaho Republican Central Committee! Why, they only voted (unanimously, by the way) to petition the federal government to lift a travel ban on an Austrian nationalist so he can journey to the Gem State and marry his alt-right sweetheart! I ask you, who are we to stand in the way of Nazi luv? For all we know, this could be the inspiration for a new Reverse Sound of Music for the 21st century, and you snowflakes just want to ruin it!
Exiled Twitter Troll/Espionage Clown Jacob Wohl, who you may remember from his plot to fabricate sexual assault allegations against Robert Mueller, just got caught trying to fabricate sexual assault allegations against Pete Buttigieg. You laugh, but even the Empire built the Death Star twice.
The Oversight Renaissance has some questions for Enabler General William Barr, but he prefers cowering in his safe space because Democrats on the House Judiciary Committee plan on turning some of the questioning over to staff lawyers. Y'know, Billy, if I'd attempted such a pathetically clumsy cover-up of my boss’ years-long efforts to obstruct any and all available justice, I'd be afraid of lawyers, too.
The vetting of Stephen Moore continues to turn up disqualifying/humiliating details of his subpar life and work at a seemingly hourly rate. If I were you, Steve-O, I'd withdraw my nomination before some enterprising journalist finds that crusty magazine under your mattress. You know the one, where you've been cutting-and-pasting pictures of koala bear heads onto cheerleaders? It's only a matter of time, creep.
Well, that's all I got tonight, folks. I'm gonna retreat into my apartment for the remainder of the evening, it's not safe out there. You never know when you'll get measles from some anti-vaxxer's kid, or gunned down by a white supremacist terrorist, or accused of God knows what by that Wohl kid. Oh, and anyway, I've got all those babies to kill.
*That's “Best Fascist Friend,” for the curious.
**This is in no way meant to be autobiographical. SHUT UP!
How Many White Supremacists Does it Take to Ruin the Week When an Avengers Movie Comes Out? (Ferret)
Kind of a light week, news-wise...it was like a meth-addled badger got dropped on our heads just twice a day, instead of hourly, like we're used to, how refreshing. Well, let's power through this shit so we can all enjoy our Great Big Superhero Fight and our Great Big Dragon Fight this weekend, huh?
(And if you want this post with those news links you crave, click here: http://showercapblog.com/the-news-or-how-many-white-supremacists-does-it-take-to-ruin-the-week-when-an-avengers-movie-comes-out/)
Texas Senator John Cornyn is receiving treatment for severe bruising sustained in the dragging he received when he figured it would be a good idea to pick a fight with Patton Oswalt. We all had a nice laugh, but the incumbent Senator really shored up the Humorless Puritan vote with this strategic Twitter feud.
Well, Shart Garfunkel is so eager to have all the Totally Exonerating details of the Mueller Report repeated in open congressional hearings that he's doing everything short of duct-taping Don McGahn to the bathroom wall to keep witnesses from testifying. Total Exonerations are just better when there's a little mystery to ‘em, don'tcha think? “Oh yes, the incontrovertible evidence of my innocence is safely locked away in this exotically-decorated urn, America, but you must never ever open it,” and then he drops a smoke bomb and awkwardly waddles away...
And Steve Mnuchin keeps choreographing ever-more-elaborate tap-dancing routines to shield the Candycorn Skidmark's tax returns from congressional investigators. While ol’ Mnuchbag risks being held in contempt of Congress, he has a brilliant plan to circumvent any legal consequences, by simply selling the Treasury Department to his awful, awful, wife.
Ah, but away from cozy confines of the federal government, the Marmalade Shartcannon is as powerless to obstruct as he is to wrap his tiny, inadequate, fingers around a baseball. Word is, Deutsche Bank has begun complying with a subpoena from New York's Attorney General, though in the interest of good taste they're likely to withhold the racy pics of Ivanka he keeps in that safe deposit box.
The Ostomy Bag with a Dead Tabby on Top called a meeting with Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey, to address the growing threat of violent political extremism spreading on social media HA HA HA JUST KIDDING he was whining about his follower count dropping when the bots get deleted. I mean, MOST Presidents would be focused on combating the Russian attacks revealed in the Mueller Report, but it takes a truly stable genius to fixate on the number of people who get to watch him misspell “hamburger” in real time.
Anybody else worried that one of these days, while our commander in chief is “busy” obsessively refreshing his phone, whinging about the Deep State conspiracy to prevent his latest nickname for Amy Klobuchar from getting more likes, Justin Trudeau is gonna order covert ops teams to sneak across the border to seize Washington before anybody knows what's going on?
...did I say “worried?” I think I meant “hopeful.”
Speaking of Twitter, there's apparently some evidence that they're neglecting to purge their platform of white supremacist content out of the fear that the necessary algorithms would sweep up a number of Republican politicians BECAUSE MANY REPUBLICAN POLITICIANS POST WHITE SUPREMACIST CONTENT, and if anybody needs me, I'll be in the corner weeping for my country.
The longest-serving Republican in the Iowa state legislature, Andy McKean, decided he no longer wanted to play for a team captained by a pussy-grabbing, daughter-lusting, justice-obstructing, steak-ruining, sack of monkey shit, and switched parties! Welcome aboard, Andy! If anyone else from Club Donkey finds a little love of country in that trunk in the attic, next to your football pads and your prom corsage, there's always plenty of room aboard the Good Ship Decency.
Sticking with Iowa for a moment, Steve King compared himself to Jesus, that was something. Before anybody gets too offended by the sacrilege here, you should know that King was referring to Ed Forrest, who played the title role in a community theatre production of Jesus Christ Superstar in his district. Ed is a white supremacist.
Seems Disgraced Former DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, in her down time, when she wasn't focused on running kiddie koncentration kamps, actually tried to do her job, and, y'know, protect the United States from Russian election interference, but she ran into a rather unique obstacle; her neanderthal narcissist boss, who values his own fragile self-image infinitely more than the safety and security of the United States, and whose fee-fees get hurt whenever he has to think about how he's only president because Vlad Putin gave him an electoral booster seat. Trumpal ego > national security. COOL.
You know, the Velveeta Vulgarian is a chronically mediocre man, who habitually exaggerates, or even outright fabricates accomplishments, and that's pathetic, but even I have to admit he's achieved something truly spectacular here. Making a Constitution-shredding, child-torturing, terrorist like Nielsen the unequivocal good guy in any scenario is mighty damn impressive.
I see the anti-vaxxers are protesting out in California. It's amazing to me, how passionate some people are about their “right” to endanger their children's health. “It's so goddamn important in fact, I demand the right to expose everyone else's kids to contagious diseases, too!” We can't keep Futurama on the air, but we brought fucking MEASLES back. That's right, campers, we're in the middle of the largest measles outbreak since 2000. Somewhere between “thumbs” and “the internet,” evolution took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
Luckily, there will NOT be an outbreak of Milo Yadon'tgotnoincomenomo in Oklahoma, where his latest attempt to monetize his hateful trolling has fallen apart. Having lived through both “Milo is an alt-right celebrity, making headlines daily” and “Milo, having been thoroughly de-platformed, surfaces every six months to fail humiliatingly and then disappear again,” let me say I generally prefer the latter.
Excommunicated Former Yokel General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions th'Third emerged from a retirement otherwise spent baking cookies in the shape of burning crosses to demand everyone “move on” now that Bob Mueller has declined to order a SWAT team to kick down the doors to the Oval Office. Sure thing Jeff, just as soon as you “move on” from Reconstruction.
And Benjamin Netanyahu wants to name some settlements in the Golan Heights after his white nationalist buddy. Congratulations to the future residents of Dickless Indicted Shitweasel Park, I guess.
Today we learned precisely how much North Korea fears and respects the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits; they actually presented him with a $2 million hospital bill when they returned then-comatose hostage Otto Warmbier to American custody in 2017. They'd never have dreamed of treating Obama that way, and if they pulled that shit on Hillary Clinton, Kim Jong-un would still be picking pieces of that bill out of his stool.
Franklin Graham became the latest fake Christian Trump pimp to attack Pete Buttigieg for his sexuality, and I know what I'm supposed to do now is list all the commandments and laws and biblical dietary restrictions the Emperor of Turdmaggots regularly violates, in order to demonstrate Graham's hypocrisy. But there's no hypocrisy, folks. Graham isn't a Christian, he's a high priest in a white supremacist hate cult, and he has been remarkably consistent in his beliefs over the course of his shitty little life. You could no more hope to shame Frankie with Bible verses than you could Mitch McConnell with videos of his own older, contradictory, statements. Why expect moral consistency from profoundly immoral men?
Lara Trump wandered out on television to muse that Germany's biggest problem was that they weren't white nationalist enough, and is there like, some sort of secret Racist Rich Idiot Trashbag dating site, where jagoffs like the Trump Boyz go to seek suitably deplorable mates?
And Diamond Joe Biden finally jumped into the Democratic primary race, with his potential opponent, a man who believes exercise is bad for you, insulting his intelligence. There's only one way to resolve this controversy; I propose a series of umbrella-closing contests.
But another big victory in the war on voting rights, as the Republican gerrymander in Michigan went down in flames like Stephen Miller at a speed-dating party! Don't you just love how I dump sixty pounds of shit on you every single post, but then I hand you a lollipop at the end, so you can walk away feelin’ good?
My friends, I love you all, and I am beyond grateful for the gift of your attention for these long-ass rants, but I'm checking out for the weekend. Whether it's Avengers, or Game of Thrones, or just slipping a little dose of somethin' hallucinogenic into your lemonade and staring the wallpaper as it shifts and morphs and tells you the meaning of life, do somethin’ that delights you this weekend; you've earned it!
"Nobody Disobeys My Orders!*" (*See Appendices A-GGGG for Orders That Were Disobeyed) Ferret/SC
Feelin’ a little jittery tonight, Shower Captives...I assume the choice to consume a dozen Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs was unwise, but I am powerless before the Monday-after-Easter candy sales. Let's try and get through the news before the sugar crash hits.
(As usual, this post is available, with all sortsa news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/nobody-disobeys-my-orderssee-appendices-a-gggg-for-orders-that-were-disobeyed/)
We'll start with the ongoing fallout from the Mueller report. Some of it's new, some of it I missed in a drunken stupor last week. Look, if you want timely, thorough, sober analysis, go to Jake Tapper...but I'm a helluva lot more fun.
How about the exquisite detail that for months, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III kept a resignation letter in his pocket, next to the Klan pamphlets and Jack Chick comics, whenever he'd visit the Shart House. The vision of that Dried-Up HateYokel, the first major politician to endorse the Fascist Farthuffer's ruinous campaign, shuffling about, perpetually on edge, wondering if this moment, or the next, or the next, would be the one to finally end his reprehensible little career in shame and failure...unnnnnngh that's sexxxxy.
Plus we learned that Shit-Smearing Cat Neglecter Julian Assange merrily enabled the harassment of Seth Rich's family, encouraging a lunatic right-wing conspiracy theory he knew couldn't possibly be true. It's gettin’ tricker (and grosser) to be an Assange apologist, isn't it? "Look, if you're not down with a possible rapist terrorizing a grieving family in order to cover his tracks while waging information warfare on the United States in the service of a hostile foreign power, you just don't believe in the free press...or something...I guess.”
I bet Bodacious Bob doesn't even care about the collateral damage he's done to the drool-drenched nutjobs of the QAnon movement, the heartless bastard! The Qnatics were SO EXCITED to finally take down the Obama/Clinton/Lucifer child pedophile ring that exists only in their minds, but all they got was a plateful of dumb ol’ reality, NO FAIR. C'mon, Bob, couldn't you have thrown ‘em a bone, maybe something about some pizza joint somewhere with a worn-out copy of Tiger Beat, maybe from the Jonathan Taylor Thomas era, in their lobby?
Why are the tears of the maliciously misinformed so delicious? I printed out a couple of articles on the post-Mueller report QAnon meltdown, ground them up, and started sprinkling them on my food; everything tastes like a supermodel orgy in the middle of a giant vat of Ben & Jerry's, but I've still lost six pounds.
Sarah Slanders has embarked on a hilarious quest to stake out some sort of credibility following the report's “Yes sir, Mr. Mueller, I am a great big liar, please don't send me to prison” section. As near as I can figure it, the plan is to say she was lying when she confessed to lying, so you can totally trust her. Y'know what's INSANE? There are still people out there, millions of 'em, who believe this condescending gaslighter when she talks. Don't you want to meet those people? And sell them magic beans?
With the Uncredible Huck on the shelf, Team Treasonweasel was forced to turn once more to Rudy Giuliani as a television surrogate. "There’s nothing wrong with taking hacked information from the Russians if you really really want to be President,” he insisted, “Just like there's nothing wrong with fucking your cousin if you really really want to fuck her!”
...it's a testament to just how counterproductive Stephen Miller's snarling, unconcealable* hatred for all life is, that they're reduced to trotting Rudy out there again.
Talking Brylcreem Tube Willard Mitt Romney responded to the report's mountain of damning evidence by saying both “tsk” and “tsk,” in an uncharacteristic explosion of emotion that very nearly bordered on patriotism and respect for the rule of law, before asking President Crotchrot to please send him another slate of unqualified hack judges to confirm to lifetime appointments.
Y'know, Mittens is fantastically wealthy, and, as a U.S. Senator, legit one of the most powerful people in the country, if not the world. And I wouldn't change places with him for anything. Because me? I can stand the sight of myself in the mirror.
Far and away the best stuff Mueller gave us is story after story of Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, perched, kinglike at the Resolute desk, issuing orders like the mighty commander of men he so desperately imagines himself to be, only to have his subordinates treat him like a doddering old nitwit, a declining grandparent to be gently smiled at and placated, but ignored the moment you're out the door. “Go forth, and make my will reality,” sayeth the Shart; “Nah,” respondeth the underling.
God, it's Hairplug Himmler's worst nightmare! The inescapable truth of his weakness, paraded for the whole world to see! Confronted by a reporter, he spat “nobody disobeys my orders,” but he couldn't hide the fear in his eyes. For the Neanderthal Narcissist, this is worse than impeachment.
Speaking of impeachment...golly, that's the hot topic, isn't it? The new dance craze sweeping the nation? To impeach, or not to impeach...that is the question! Elizabeth Warren is certainly on the impeachment train, between rolling out major policy proposals left n' right. Others council caution, arguing for more public hearings for now, maybe a little impeachment for dessert if you finish your peas. Me? I haven't made my mind up yet, which is fine, because I'm just a drunk in a mask and a bathrobe. Seriously, why are you even reading this shit?
MOVING ON...
So, Duncan Hunter, poster boy for the House-GOP-Caucus-to-Prison Pipeline, apparently dissatisfied with the rate at which life is stomping all over Duncan Hunter's nutsack, decided to take matters into his own hands, staging a little fear-mongering stunt designed to demonstrate how allegedly easy it is to cross the southern border. Trouble is, our boy, indicted as he is, is not allowed to leave the country, as his once-and-future Democratic opponent, Ammar Campa-Najjar, was all too happy to point out, leaving Duncan little choice but to confess his silly show took place NEAR the border, rather than ON it. (Pause for laughter)
Hunter won't be in Congress long, but if there's an opening on Mount Olympus for a God of Self-Owning, I think he's got a bright future once his jail term ends.
Hey look, a couple of choice specimens decided to model their fashionable MAGA-hat-and-Nazi-armband combo outside the Rhode Island Holocaust Memorial! The duo briefly expressed their “economic anxiety” before being chased away by a decent human being. Hey, how much do you love seeing the American President's campaign gear co-accessorizing with a goddamn swastika?
Speaking of the Very Fine Folk, looks like we've got ourselves a lil’ border militia, helpfully tending to the garden of American greatness by pointing rifles at migrant children! Now, I don't want to perpetuate stereotypes here...I'll leave that to this New York Times article, which contains phrases like “trailer park,” “common-law wife,” and “training to assassinate George Soros, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama because of these individuals’ support of Antifa.” Anyway, the genius leader of this band of boneheads got himself arrested because he posted videos of his recreational terrorism on social media, even though he's not legally allowed to own firearms owing to previous felony convictions, and now he has been arrested, THANK GOD. Let's throw away the key this time, huh?
And Herman Cain withdrew from consideration for the Federal Reserve Board, a rare example of stopping one of the Candycorn Skidmark's unqualified nominees before they get to fuck shit up. Congrats, Herman, you returned to the public sphere just long enough to remind the world of your ethical and intellectual failings, and now you slink away with absolutely nothing to show for it. Another trademark humiliating defeat from the Shart of the Deal.
Stephen Moore's nomination is still on track, however, despite seemingly hourly new revelations of his lifelong shittiness. Today, we unearthed some of Moore's old writings, that read like they've been copied straight off an incel 4chan board. Folks, these are some genuinely pathetic tantrums, documenting his inability to emotionally process the mere presence of women in and around basketball games, and his desperate need for a safe space where he's free to be the 11-year-old boy he's always been, developmentally. Sounds like a Trump Republican, alright.
And the Velveeta Vulgarian decided to sue House Oversight Committee Chairman Elijah Cummings, on the novel legal theory that if he stamps his feet hard enough, Congress’ constitutional oversight power will magically disappear. Is losing in court addictive, or something? Maybe his staff needs to lock him in the residence for a Trainspotting-style detox, though that would likely involve hallucinating a baby with Jay Sekulow's face, crawling all over the ceiling while its head spins around.
Democrats responded with the House Judiciary Committee shooting a subpoena over to Don McGahn, inviting him to stop by for some tea and crustless, triangle-shaped, sandwiches, to repeat some of that obstruction of justice evidence he'd given to the Mueller investigation not so very long ago. See, what Donnie Dotord doesn't get is, now we do the entire investigation over again, just in public. When we're done with that, we'll do it as a goddamn musical.
And Fat Q*Bert delivered a droning, dishonest, rant about the “depleted military” or some shit...to a group of children, at the White House Easter Egg Roll, and even if there isn't sufficient evidence of obstruction of justice in the Mueller report**, surely we can impeach the turd for being TOO MOTHERFUCKING INCOMPETENT TO PULL OFF A MOTHERFUCKING EASTER EGG ROLL. I'm proposing a constitutional amendment that states if you can't manage an hourlong party for children, you can't be President.
That's all I got, friends...kinda light today. I'm going to spend the rest of this beautiful Earth Day out on my back porch, partaking of my personal favorite examples of nature's bounty...hops and barley. And I promise I'll recycle the bottles afterwards.
*”Unconcealable,” according to my digital dictionary, may not be an actual word. I don't give a fuck. You don't like it, get your own fuckin’ blog.
**There is.
You Know, I'm Starting to Think This Barr Fellow Wasn't Entirely Honest in his Little Memo. (Ferret)
Woooo, it's been a fuckin’ ride this week, huh? We've all been waiting for Bill Barr to finish up the whitewashing gig he was hired for, and personally, I was up all night redacting your mom. I almost didn't get a blog up today.
(As always, I invite you to my humble blog site, where you can find this very post, only with all kinds of nifty n’ helpful links: http://showercapblog.com/you-know-im-starting-to-think-this-barr-fellow-wasnt-entirely-honest-in-his-memo/)
Exciting news for Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes, as scientists have, for whatever godforsaken reason, figured out how to bring dead pig brains back to life. Reached for comment, the Ham Hammer quizzically asked “Brains? Why not start with the GOOD stuff?” before our field reporter fled, vomiting.
In the interest of protecting my readers’ health, I hereby post the following medical disclaimer:
If you have any recent history of respiratory problems, please refrain from reading the article from the New Yorker/The Trace on how the blood-crazed death merchants of the National Rifle Association now find themselves in dire financial straits, due to internal strife, graft, self-dealing, and other assorted acts of fuckery, as doing so would bring significant risk of laughing yourself to death.
Wow. Corruption in an organization led by Oliver North? Who could have foreseen this? Anyway, it's all descending into finger-pointing and lawsuits, and don't forget all these maniacs are armed, so a last-scene-of-Reservoir-Dogs scenario is hardly out of the question.
So, after Mitch McConnell successfully lobbied to get sanctions lifted on Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska, who was sanctioned in the first place for his role in Russia's attack on the 2016 election, Oleg paid him back with case of shell wax, and also a multi-million dollar investment in an aluminum plant in Wrinkly Gamera's home state of Kentucky. I don't want to be controversial, but this thing where one of our two great political parties keeps putting American policy up for sale to our enemies? That's maybe not a great thing.
In his ongoing quest to get his own daughter to fuck him, the President of the United States offered her the post as head of the World Bank, but she turned it down. Moving on...
Billy Barr has been a busy boy! Earlier this week, the Fixer General announced a new policy to deny bail to asylum-seeking migrants, because god knows there's no better use for taxpayer money than incarcerating vulnerable people in an attempt to terrorize other vulnerable people out of making the journey to the U.S. in the first place. With Kirstjen Nielsen gone, Barr's making a really serious play for the coveted “Most Despicable Cabinet Member” title.
The Marmalade Shartcannon wrapped his tiny, inadequate, fingers around the veto pen for just the second time in his always-embarrassing Presidency. Thus, the United States will continue supporting the Saudi-led genocide in Yemen, and the Saudis will continue to support Jared Kushner's private business interests, with the odd dismembered journalist or illicit exchange of classified intelligence thrown in for flavor. I hope you'll support my kickstarter to round up every single self-righteous fuckstick who voted for Jill Stein because Hillary was “too hawkish,” and have them air-dropped into Yemen to watch children starve to death.
Still smarting from years of culture war setbacks, the right wing is really not handling Pete Buttigieg's ascendance in the Democratic primary field well. You could probably be forgiven for assuming the weirdo “protesters” with the Mayor-Pete-flogging-Jesus-while-Satan-laughs cosplay would claim the lunacy crown, but if you really want state-of-the-art bat-shittery, you always, ALWAYS want to go with Tucker Carlson.
Let's take a quick minute to laugh at some House Republicans. Freshman Congresscrook Ross Spano seems to have raised just one single dollar in grassroots donations during the entire first quarter. Funny as that is, he actually outraised his indicted colleague, New York's Chris Collins.
Hey look, Steve Mnuchin is hiring a Fux Nooz personality, who had to withdraw in shame from an earlier attempt to get appointed to an executive branch job in the wake of a plagiarism scandal, as his chief spokesmoron! If Tim Geithner had pulled anything like that, the right-wing jagoffosphere would have hounded him for weeks, but that was a bygone era when things still mattered.
President Used Enema Water has restored America's international standing as a power to be respected and feared so thoroughly that North Korea is already taunting him with new weapons tests. I wonder if Kim Jong-un had a challenge coin made. Oh, and just to add some deference sprinkles on top of the respect cupcake, he's demanding Secretary of State Mike Pompeo be removed from future negotiations.
Because there is nothing a Republican fears so much as American voters choosing their own leaders in free and fair elections, the Missouri GOP introduced legislation to undermine an anti-gerrymandering ballot initiative that passed with overwhelming support last November. Kinda reminds you of how the Florida GOP is attempting similar fuckery with the initiative that restored voting rights to felons. No punchline this paragraph, just a casual reminder that the Republican Party is anti-democracy, and they've seen a great deal of success in recent years in their efforts to roll back the right to vote. Does that bother you? Well, what're you doing to fight it?
I see Elijah Cummings has invited Undomesticated HateFerret Stephen Miller to testify before the House Oversight Committee about his Goebbels’-B-Sides-and-Rarities immigration policies. Oh fuck, I hope that shit is televised. Miller can barely contain his sneering disdain for humanity in interviews with fiercely impartial hosts; can you imagine how he'll respond to aggressive questioning from the opposition party? Taking bets now that at some point, he springs from his chair and tries to bite Elijah's ear off.
Facebook has conscripted the Daily Fucking Caller as part of their “fact-checking” team, which would be absolutely hilarious if I didn't have to live in the kind of world where malicious propagandists become arbiters of truth. I suppose we should be proud of the American right for taking up the reins of disinformation from their Russian comrades. You'll be wiping your own asses in no time, boys.
Anyway, that's all I got, folks. Slow news week. I guess to fill the space, I'll share the recipe for my famous hot-dogs-and-Funyuns casserole. The secret ingredient is the six pack of MGD I pour on top, and -
Oh, what? You wanna talk about the Mueller report? I dunno, I'm binging Season 4 of Frasier, and I'm pretty sure Niles and Daphne are juuuust about to get together, so I don't really want to...ugh. Fine.
The day started early. Far earlier than your Friendly Neighborhood Shower Cap was prepared to face his traditional hangover. I suppose if you're already committed to undermining the rule of law and fucking over your country, you might as well piss everybody off with an 8:30 a.m. press conference. Dick.
And so William Barr strode out before the press corps to etch his name in the history books as one of the all-time great treasonous goons. It's like Billy spent the last decade or so seething that nobody appreciates the deft shitbaggery of his Iran/Contra cover-up work, and now he demands recognition as a truly elite legal stooge for the brazenly corrupt.
The plan seems to have been for the AG to “get out ahead of” the heavily-redacted Mueller report with preemptive spin, the idea being that they could set the narrative. Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either, but remember you're dealing with people who thought firing Jim Comey in the first place was a clever bit of political strategy that would be greeted with pony rides and ice cream sundaes from both sides of the aisle.
Barr says that because Tangerine Idi Amin really really REALLY wanted to obstruct justice, because he was so upset that his crimes were being investigated for a change instead of ignored, it doesn't count as obstruction of justice. He sneered through a few more lies, then slunk away, confident that the whole “Russia” thing was dealt with forever and ever, because who would read a dumb ol’ report when they have a nice, jazzy, memo instead?
And the rest of the day was just headline after headline after headline. I confess, I was shocked at how bad the redacted report is for Trump, I figured the cover-up artist would bury everything damning, but holy shit, just what we can see is incredible. Maybe Barr couldn't finish redacting because Scott Pruitt stole all the black markers on his way out the door?
There's more evidence that Trump obstructed justice than there's proof that 3 Musketeers bars contain nougat. Mueller outlines 10 different instances where Hairplug Himmler did his damndest to obstruct justice. Plus, unhappy with the amount of justice he was actually able to obstruct, which was significant, he tried like hell to obstruct even MORE justice, but occasionally his underlings refused to carry out his super-illegal orders. Basically, when Donald Trump sings “Don't Know Much” at karaoke, he visualizes himself singing it directly to the abstract concept of “obstructing justice.”
There's a fair amount of “Some of this shit, amazingly enough, doesn't turn out to be technically illegal, because nobody ever stopped to imagine someone as sociopathically treasonous as Donald J. Trump running for President, let alone getting elected.”
Like, Paul Manafort giving internal campaign polling to a Kremlin-connected oligarch, even as he's trying to leverage his position on the Shart campaign for personal profit...not illegal, apparently! The next Congress is gonna need to put together a massive I Guess We Need to Spell This Shit Out After All anti-corruption/treason bill. Call it the Decency Stimulus.
One of my favorite details is the bit where the Uncredible Huck confesses to lying to the American public. Will the Candycorn Skidmark fire, or even discipline her for this betrayal of the public trust? Will he even stop to think “Hey, having a known, confessed, liar as my chief mouthpiece is maybe counterproductive?” Will pigs spontaneously evolve wings, if only to escape Devin Nunes’ amorous advances?
Turdmaggot, Jr.'s victory lap is especially hilarious. The Bobadook concluded that while yes, his Trump Tower meeting was super illegal, a prosecutor would have trouble proving he understood that his actions were criminal in the face of a mountain of public evidence that he's barely intelligent enough to navigate a fork from his plate to his mouth without causing a life-threatening injury. Yeah, throw yourself a party, kid.
The report also tells us Senator Richard Burr was so dedicated to keeping the Senate Intel Committee's Russia investigation, which he leads, impartial, that he funneled information from his classified Gang of 8 briefings back to the White House, isn't that a nifty trick! In any just world, Burr would've resigned in shame by the time you read this, but since we're all kickin’ it old school in Hell, he won't face any consequences even as severe as being forced to oversee the investigation in a slightly less comfortable chair.
Oh, and the Mueller investigation made 14 referrals of additional potential crimez to other offices, only 2 of which are publicly known right now, so there are still plenty of unmarked presents beneath the Xmas Tree of Justice. And likely more than one treasonous shitsack, celebrating today because they're sure they got away with it all, still has a nasty surprise or two waiting in their future.
And there's more. So much more. From the uncharacteristic self-awareness of Weehands McNodick’s “I'm fucked” to the alarming degree of memory failure demonstrated by his written answers to Mueller's questions to the increasingly-prosecutable-looking Erik Prince to...fuck! It's exhausting. Even for me. There's so much shit to wade through here, I bet Chis Cillizza's pants exploded at the thought of the listicle he'd get to make.
Folks, this is the REDACTED version? What's behind Barr's hundreds of black bars? Kellyanne Conway saying she walked in on Donnie Facetiming with Putin about how to polonium-210 Jim Acosta, only Trump was too distracted by the porn he was watching in another window?
Tragically overlooked in the ceremonial Shrieking of the Pundits is the report's conclusion that the Russian government attacked our country, that the attack took the form of aiding the Trump campaign, and that the Trump campaign welcomed the help, and paid for it by adopting increasingly pro-Russia policies. And President Crotchvoid had not one word to say about any of this, but instead jetted down to his tacky-ass Florida resort, to golf at taxpayer expense, without the slightest passing thought to securing the nation from future attacks.
Anyway, the Democratic Congressional Subpoena Cannon, still smoking from a dozen different battles with the Shart House, is being loaded once more, with Jerry Nadler demanding the full report, even the bits Barr insists are too naughty for us. We are grown-ups and can make our own decisions, Bill!
I confess I'm still giggling that Team Treason ever imagined that this would be a good day for them, that Barr's silly little stunt would enable them to control the narrative, that their problems are firmly behind them now. It's going to be an awful lot of fun watching them slowly figure out just how wrong they are. If you'll excuse me, I have to make sure my beer fridge is adequately stocked for the show.
Breaking: Trump Upset Notre Dame Fire Distracting From Attempts to Incite Violence Against Rep. Omar
Hey, did everybody have a nice day? The regular shitshow takes on a whole new dimension when you're watching Notre Dame burn in the background. Here in the American Madhouse, it didn't even seem out of place, and when the spire collapsed, you said to yourself, “yeah, that's about right.” This is Hell, after all.
(You know the drill. This post is available, with news links, on my humble blog site, here:http://showercapblog.com/breaking-president-trump-upset-notre-dame-fire-distracting-from-attempts-to-incite-violence-against-rep-omar/)
Watching the destruction of one of humanity's most enduring landmarks was hard, but it could have been much worse, without Donnie Dotard’s genius and leadership. For just when things seemed beyond all hope, he grabbed his mighty phone and tweeted “Hey, you guys should probably try to put that fire out,” and was instantly awarded the Nobel Prize for Excellence in the Fighting of Fires.
And those ungrateful frogs didn't even take his (terrible) advice! It's been a frustrating stretch for Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, nothing seems to be going his way lately! Why, he hasn't even managed to get Representative Ilhan Omar killed yet, and he's put more effort into that than literally anything else he's attempted since assuming office. He really really really wants to rile up the Very Fine People until one of the least stable goons takes it upon himself to rid his Turd Emperor of that meddlesome Congresswoman.
Though we've normalized some pretty unthinkable shit these last couple years, I hope we never quite get used to our President recklessly stirring up hatred, knowing that his words have led to violence in the past and likely will again in the future, because he believes it's “good” for him politically. The next President shouldn't be a sociopath, is all I’m saying.
It's actually sort of remarkable, that the Adderall-Addled Assclown has stayed fixated on Omar for so long; his attention span tends to reach its furthermost limits right when it's time for a commercial break on Fux n’ Fiendz. Why, if he'd brought this level of focus to his official duties, he might almost understand how trade works by now.
God, that shit's so fucking awful, I think we should move on to something lighter. Oh hey, I guess the Cabal of Supbar White Nationalists squatting in our White House is looking for some way to stretch and pervert the law enough to allow the U.S. military to build and run migrant detention camps, NEAT*!
Anyway, all you red-blooded Amurikkkan patriots can rest easy knowing that at least there wont be any transgender soldiers building those concentration camps, nosirree bob! Yes, Hairplug Himmler's ban on transgender people serving in the military finally went into effect last Friday, a rare victory in his ongoing War Against Decency. So America is a little less safe now, and nobody's life is even a tiny bit better, but hey, at least a handful of petty losers got to shit on some vulnerable folks who only ever wanted to put their lives on the line to serve their country. The American-Greatness-o-Meter is surely climbing to heretofore unseen heights.
Military-run camps. Lord. And now all you triggered little snowflakes will cry "fascism," right? I ask you, would a fascist propose circumventing the rule of law by dangling pardons in front of border officials if they'd only ignore the dumb ol’ law and the stupid cuck Constitution and blindly obey their Turdmaggot Emperor's every whim, no matter how cruel or inhumane? CHECKMATE, LIBT-oh wait that's exactly what a fascist would do. Kinda sucks that the President keeps trying to go full authoritarian whenever he thinks nobody's looking, don'tcha think?
Oh, and a Merry Tax Day to one and all! You're probably noticing that Strawberry Shartcake’s tax scam bill didn't quite deliver the promised bonanza. Well quit yer gripin’, ya filthy taker, ya shoulda pulled yerself up by yer bootstraps and been a massive multi-national corporation instead of a serf! Be grateful we let you keep any money at all, Betsy DeVos had to pay so much in taxes this year, she could only afford to gold-plate seven of her yachts!
As for President Gas Station Urinal Cake himself, well, he cares almost as much about keeping his own tax returns buried in a deep dark hole as he does about getting Ilhan Omar killed. Almost.
Sarah Huckleberry Slanders insists that congressional Democrats are such doodoo-headed dum-dums that they couldn't possibly understand the President's taxes. Heh. We poor Dems sure were smart enough to flip 40 seats last November, including many that'd been held by Republicans for decades, Sarah. So troll all you like, it's your only move, and it doesn't, y'know, actually accomplish anything.
By the way, our Reps in Congress are smart enough to pursue multiple paths to get what they're after, subpoenaing records from Fat Q*bert's old accounting firm, plus Deutsche Bank and other financial institutions, even as Steve Mnuchin dithers and stonewalls. And somehow I doubt his legal team's strategy to cast Trump's tax returns as the great civil rights struggle of our time will bear much fruit, though I do look forward to watching Jay Sekulow “spontaneously” burst out singing Old Man River at some future press conference.
I guess Roger Stone wants his own personal copy of the Mueller report, and also to have all charges against him dismissed. Personally, I think this is a smart move. What Roger is really up to here is training himself to accept disappointment. This will come in handy soon, when his requests will fall more along the lines of “I would like to sleep in some other room than my designated jail cell,” and “I would like to make my own decisions about what to have for lunch today,” and the answers will be "HAHAHAHAHA fuck no you silly little convict.”
And the vetting of Federal Reserve Board nominee Stephen Moore continues. While nobody seems to have found a single shred of evidence to support the notion that this clod is in any way qualified for this job, there's certainly no shortage of deeply worrying shit. Now we learn Mr. Tax-and-child-support-dodger believes “capitalism is a lot more important than democracy.”
Y'know, just at this moment, when we're all trying to survive two more years of a Farthuffin’ Fascist as he fantasizes about pardoning his way out of god knows what atrocities, I'm not sure there's much that's more important than democracy. I've become quite the passionate fan of the stuff, to be honest. I'm sprinkling democracy on my breakfast cereal and rubbing it into my fucking gums. In conclusion, fuck you, Steve, you fucking fuck.
Michele Bachmann, eager to demonstrate that her time outside the limelight has done nothing to restore her sanity, proclaimed Weehands McNodick to be the most “godly, biblical” President of her lifetime. Somebody must've switched the dust jacket on Michele's Bible onto a scrapbook full of newspaper clipping about serial killers and ads for septic tanks when she was a kid, and she just never noticed the difference.
In a rather pathetically obvious attempt to undermine the opening of Disney's adorable penguin documentary, Sneering Concealment Toad William Barr announced he'll be releasing his artisanal, hand-redacted, version of the Mueller report this Thursday. We won't get to see any of the good shit, of course, plus I bet he scribbles down the secret recipe for Coke in the margins, just to be a dick.
Tangerine Idi Amin absorbed the latest in an ongoing series of judicial taint punts, when a second federal judge blocked his attempt to deport tens of thousands of Haitian refugees. And yes, the famous “shithole countries” remark was a factor in the decision; once again the hateful old bastard can't keep his fool mouth shut, and the courts keep shoveling it full of the richly-deserved Cat Turds of Failure.
Well, shiny new Interior Secretary David Bernhardt barely got his crooked ass confirmed before landing an ethics investigation of his very own! Seems like standard hazing for new Trump cabinet secretaries. Show up for your first day, there's a whoopie cushion on your chair and everything has been glued to your desk except a document request from your department's IG. Anyway, I wouldn't go buying any soundproof booths if I were you, Dave-O.
I see Bill Weld has officially taken on the task of mounting a primary challenge to the Individual Wonder, or, more accurately, dispelling once and for all the last feeble delusions of the Never-Trump movement that there's anything left of the Republican Party but a mosh pit full of howling bigots, perpetually pelting one another with their own feces in a feverish attempt to “own the libs.” The cat's out of the bag, kids, the audience isn't going back to politely sitting through your dry economic think pieces now that they've finally found the demagogue who's willing to skip straight to the good shit.
...but don't forget who held open the door for the bastard in the first place.
But fuck all that shit. The Pulitzers were announced today, so let's wrap this fucker up with something to celebrate, huh? Lots of great investigative journalism recognized, including the Failing New York Times’ deep dive into the Velveeta Vulgarian's long life of crime, and the Wall Street Journal's reporting on Trump's role as the unindicted-for-now co-conspirator in the illegal hush money payoffs. Mad respect to all the journalists doing this work...we owe them a lot, and I hope y’all find room in your budget to support a news outlet or two.
And hey look, the bell towers at Notre Dame were saved. We flipped the ever-lovin’ fuck out of the House last fall, and we'll take the whole damn country back in 2020. THE SUN'LL COME OUT TOMORROW, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Anyhow, let's talk again once this “report” hits.
*Not actually “neat.”
Assange, Avenatti, and Other Assholes in Various Stages of the Power-to-Prison Pipeline (Ferret/SC)
When you spend as much time as I do documenting this madness, you quickly run out of synonyms for “batshit,” which is why I'm thankful for the opportunity to refer to the news this week as BEES IN YOUR EYES FEASTING ON YOUR TEARS crazy for a change. Anyway, everything is raw, unpasteurized, horror now, so let's get this over with.
(As always, you can find this post, with all the news links, even ones about bees, at: http://showercapblog.com/assange-avenatti-and-other-assholes-in-various-stages-of-the-power-to-prison-pipeline/)
In his ongoing quest to get the Streisand Effect renamed “The Nunes Phenomenon,” Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes sued a couple of news outlets for the high crime of doing journalism, and now we get to wonder if the hilarity of Devin's self-owning here sufficiently balances out the low-grade fascism, which is a distressingly common conundrum these days. “Ha ha ha he's suing an internet cow and also using costly legal action as a weapon to discourage media oversight of the powerful ha ha...ha...”
Now that she no longer oversees the day to day terrorism operations at DHS, Kirstjen Nielsen is looking to “rehabilitate her image.” Heh. Good luck, I guess. Pro tip: when “concentration camp administrator” is on your resume, your “image” is kinda fucked, and maybe you shoulda thought of that before you signed up to RUN FUCKING CONCENTRATION CAMPS FOR CHILDREN. I suppose on the bright side, there's nowhere to go but up. She could invite CNN to film her drowning puppies, one by one, and still pitch it as the “softer side of Kirstjen Nielsen.”
Meanwhile, her old boss is trying once again to pass responsibility for his loathed and loathsome child separation policy off on Barack Obama, in spite of repeated fact-checking on the matter. This is what passes for cleverness in that soggy nerve cluster Shart Garfunkel has for a brain; he wants to do something awful, and while his sociopathy won't allow him to process quite why, he vaguely understands that his atrocity is unpopular, so he just figures he'll blame the black guy who came before him, and yeah, nobody outside his spittle-covered base will believe him, but hey, you can fool some of the people all of the time.
Canada is sorry it forgot your birthday, it was so busy figuring out how it would take responsibility for one whole side of the Atlantic Ocean if the Bonespur Buttplug pulled out of NATO, ANYWAY it's getting you this nice new set of retaliatory tariffs, hope you like them, they match that gravy boat from last year.
In a rare show of bipartisan unity, Democrats and Republicans came together this week to raise awareness of the brain-eating fungus afflicting American conservatives, transforming ever-increasing numbers of them into drooling, barely-coherent, imbeciles, with scarcely enough mental capacity pull up their own pants.
I must salute the bravery of Kentucky Congressdolt Thomas Massie, who heroically demonstrated the condition's ravaging effects during a televised hearing for all the world to see. Massie's sad little attempt to dunk on John Kerry is so fucking good, I don't want to spoil it by describing it. If you haven't seen it yet, watch the video, but make sure you're not drinking anything you don't want coming out of your nose.
And Massie is hardly alone in his suffering. Given the awesome power to call literally any witness they wanted to testify at a House Judiciary Committee hearing on white nationalism, the Republican minority figured they couldn't do any better than deranged internet troll Candace Owens, and honestly, is there any explanation for such behavior other than “precious brain cells getting devoured at an alarming rate by a carnivorous fungus?”
You may remember Candace from her famous “You know who wasn't all that bad? HITLER!” rant. God knows Ted Lieu remembered, and in fact helpfully played a recording of said rant during the hearing. Owens, a hateful idiot who is famous primarily for being an idiot who is hateful, quickly grew angry that Lieu was making her look like a hateful idiot by playing a recording of her saying hateful, idiotic things.
Now, if you want a truly horrifying glimpse into the darkest depths of the right-wing media bubble, if only to understand how thoroughly the brainwashing has taken over, the consensus, running all the way up to the President's Large Adult Son, is that Owens’ deranged meltdown somehow amounted to a massive victory over the Democratic Fake Gnus Complex and its attempt to twist the narrative by (checks notes) playing a recording of something that happened. People actually watched that unhinged babble and thought she came off WELL. It's not two Americas, friends, it's two totally different realties.
Similarly-afflicted Congressgoons Mark Meadows and Jim Jordan snuck around behind Chairman Elijah Cummings’ back, like joyriding teenagers, and sent letters to pharmaceutical company CEOs, urging them not to cooperate with a House Oversight Committee investigation into drug prices. Because, you see, the American people are much more concerned with drug company stock prices than with the skyrocketing costs of their own life-preserving medication. Keen political instincts, those Freedom Caucus Boyz.
You see, in the case of Meadows and Jordan, you're dealing with already unintelligent men, and then you toss in a fungus chowing down on the precious few functioning brain cells, the effects are even more pronounced. My God, think of what will happen to Louie Gohmert if we don't act! Somebody get Sally Struthers to cut an ad on this shit.
Seems Steve Mnuchin neglected to the read the How to Come at Maxine Waters Handbook,* creating an amusing bit of television for those who enjoy watching the privileged squirm under unexpected accountability. Secretary Mnuchbag, like so many of Orange Julius Caesar’s flunkies, needs a humiliating court defeat before complying with the law and turning over his grifter boss’ tax returns. I say let him have it. Anyway, Michael Tracey heads up a Maxine-Waters-Had-Me-For-Lunch support group if you need it Stevie.
Meanwhile, the Candycorn Skidmark made a dangerous new enemy: the Batman. He tweeted out a video from some random member of the Committee to Re-Elect the Turd-Gargling Dotard, which lifted music from Hans Zimmer's score for the Dark Knight Rises. While I know it was Warner Brothers who delivered the ensuing legal beatdown, I'm choosing to believe it came from Bryce Wayne himself, and I'm sure you'll forgive me if I indulged in a passing fantasy about the entire Swiss Family Robinshart languishing away in Arkham Asylum till the end of their days.
Mike Pants and Pete Buttigieg continued their feud over whether God loves everybody, or just dumb, hateful, white people. Mikey Hairshirt doesn't understand why Mayor Pete is being so mean, “JUST because I want to take away his basic civil rights and make him a second-class citizen in his own country, and yeah, ok, if I'm totally honest I'd love it if the government could just execute all the little deviants, but honestly, there's no need to be rude.”
State-level Republicans just can't wait to get an abortion rights case before the new, Anthony-Kennedy-less Supreme Court, and get back to the good ol’ days when Andy Griffith was on the teevee, and women were almost people...but not quite. Wannabe Theocrat Mike DeWine signed a horrifically restrictive new ban into law in Ohio, but they're probably getting greedy down in Texas, looking to implement the death penalty for not only abortion providers, but also any woman so arrogant as to assume she has the right to make choices about her own body. No, Republicans aren't passing any bills to actually make their constituents’ lives any better, why do you ask?
Bringing that private sector magic to the federal government, the Marmalade Shartcannon has instituted an “Employee of the Month” competition among his Cabinet stooges. The winner gets a really nice parking space, all the illicit prescriptions Dr. Ronny Jackson can fire off, and access to Scott Pruitt's old soundproof wank-off booth. I think the shiny new Attorney General has the gig locked down for the foreseeable future.
William Barr is quickly turning out to be the public sector version of Michael Cohen Trump has been seeking since taking office; a devoted fixer. Whether it's hiding the Mueller Report from the American public, or indulging Government Cheese Goebbels’ paranoid fantasies and launching baseless investigations of his enemies, Barr is on the job. Now, you might be appalled at how hard one man is working to undermine the very rule of law in your beloved United States of America, but look, Billy really wants that parking spot.
You might think wielding the powers of the American presidency would be an awful lot of fun, but I assure you, it's not all overdone steaks and teenage beauty pageant dressing rooms. Why, just the other day, our own President Crotchrot lamented that for all his supposed might, he can't even order the U.S. military to assault asylum-seeking migrants at the southern border, not even a few women and children here and there. Anyway, I'm off to Hallmark in search of a “Sorry Things Aren't as Fascist as You'd Like” card. Maybe one with Garfield on it.
So, hey, you remember that big expose in the Failing New York Times last year? The one about the Grand Wizard Grifter’s long life of financial crime, including fraud to the tune of millions of dollars? Yeah, the one that would've ended any other presidency, but got bumped out of the news cycle after about 19 minutes, probably by Diamond and Silk auditioning for American Idol with Deutschland Uber Alles or something similarly inane?
Yeah, that one. Well, it also implicated Conman Don's older sister, Maryanne Trump Barry, who has been serving as a federal judge, and naturally, she was facing an investigation into her role in the criminal conduct, which seems to have been substantial. So Judge Barry made a snap decision to retire, and *poof*, the investigation evaporated on the wind, like the last vestiges of Lindsay Graham's integrity on a Bedminster golf course. Don't worry though, she still gets to keep on collecting her six-figure government salary.
Jesus Christ, is there like, an accountability-dodging gene? I swear, while most of humanity can trace its evolutionary lineage from the primates on back to the primordial soup, the Trump clan is clearly descended directly from some sort of mutant loophole-seeking tapeworm.
Good news! If you're reading this, under the new Republican tax scam reform law, you're twice as likely to have paid zero taxes this year! Oh, ASTERISK, that's assuming you're a huge corporation like Amazon or Netflix! If you're just a common, working class, meatsack, would you kindly just fuck off and die?
I see Julian Assange has embarked on a thrilling new chapter of his life, sure to be highlighted by an extensive tour of Anglo-American prisons. Shoulda taken better care of that cat, Julian.
Hey, if you're smiling at the thought of Assange's long-overdue comeuppance, this next one's gonna break your goddamn face. Michael Avenatti, who once dreamed of riding Stormy Daniels and a series of quasi-entertaining media appearances all the way to the White House, will likely instead face a lifetime of letting other people decide when he's allowed to have the lights on in his room. Michael looks to have committed enough super-scuzzy crimes (one particular highlight involves embezzling millions from a paraplegic client) to be named an honorary Trump. I sort of feel like the series finale of this entire shitshow involves Avenatti taking a DNA test and finding out Weehands McNodick is his real father.
I'm afraid I have some bad news as well, Resisters...after two years of historic unpopularity, the first President to never once earn net positive approval ratings has finally figured out the secret to reversing his persistent polling troubles: just look at the numbers in the mirror, and pretend your disapproves are approves, and vice versa! No, Americans do not like their White Nationalist in Chief, but BIZARRO TRUMP AM LOVED BY ALL.
And Herman Cain's nomination to the Federal Reserve Board is in doubt, with enough Republican Senators publicly coming out as Herman Cain? Holy Fuck That's a Stupid Idea votes to block confirmation. Is this what it takes to get the GOP to finally take a stand against the never-ending clown parade of terrible Trump appointments? Do you have to be blisteringly unqualified AND accused of sexual harassment by multiple women AND black? All indications are it's smooth sailing for equally incompetent, tax-dodging, child-support-withholding, nitwit Stephen Moore, after all.
Former Obama White Counsel Greg Craig got indicted for lying to law enforcement, in an offshoot of the Mueller/Manafort case, and Kellyanne Conway took a hilarious victory lap as though 65% of her contact list isn't facing charges in one jurisdiction or another right now. Whatever.
Hey, speaking of rotten faith attacks by Republicans, I guess Representative Ilhan Omar stole the experimental time machine from Space Force headquarters and went back in time to personally commit the 9/11 attacks and then wrote a stand-up routine about it which she delivered as the opening act for Louis C.K.? Oh, what’s that you say? She was just talking about anti-Muslim prejudice, and hateful shitbags are dishonestly twisting her words out of context even though they know she's already getting death threats? Yeah, that sounds about right. Honest and decency are SO 2016.
So I guess one of Stephen Miller's thwarted little plots involved bussing detained immigrants to sanctuary cities in order to release them en masse as vengeance on pro-immigration politicians. You might think, “Lord, that sounds like something a third-rate Bond villain might try.” Well...the spray-on hair fits, Stephen...
Anyway, I am pleased to announce that Devin Nunes is now suing YOU for reading this post. But at least you don't have BEES IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING EYES. That's worth drinking to, don'tcha think?
*A single notecard reading “DON'T.”
Scary Monsters, Super Creeps, & Stephen Miller (Who is Both) Ferret/Shower Cap
Good gravy, I don't know how much more of this shit I can take. The news today is like a facehugger from Alien got drunk on moonshine from a still in Pam Geller's back yard before depositing eggs directly into George Orwell's subconscious. Put on a fuckin’ helmet before you read any further, is all I'm sayin’.
(As is customary, you can find this post, with all them nifty links n’ shit, at: http://showercapblog.com/scary-monsters-super-creeps-stephen-miller-who-is-both/)
Let's start by pointing out that President Tough Guy is once again too afraid of jokes to attend the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Because he's a coward. It's more important than ever to remember this, folks, because shit's gonna get a little dark today. Never forget that this cheap thug, this wannabe dictator, who gets off on threatening protesters as long he's comfortably surrounded by his army of creepy worshippers, lives his entire life in such safe spaces because, like all bullies, he's too much of a wuss to face the slightest criticism. He's even appealing the decision that keeps him from blocking people who hurt his fee-fees on the Pneumatic Tweeting Machine. Pathetic.
He is a tiny little man, deserving only ridicule and scorn, and that's why we'll beat him next year. Never stop laughing at him, because there's nothing he loathes more than being the butt of a joke.
The big news of course is immigration, or, more accurately, Hairplug Himmler's rampaging, all-consuming, bigotry. Donald Trump is a simple, stupid, man, governed by hatred, and utterly incapable of learning. After his insistence on making the midterms a referendum on his border fear-mongering backfired, delivering him an electoral wedgie he still hasn't managed to pick out of his ass, the Most Stable of All Possible Geniuses wants to bring back his least popular and most inhumane policy, family separations.
Politically, it's absolutely suicidal, which should delight us, right? Forgive me if I can't celebrate, I'm sick to fucking death of stories about migrant toddlers, bruised from sleeping on gravel and concrete because they were detained UNDER A FUCKING BRIDGE. You can read all the political analysis you want, but you can't help but remember that we're talking about a policy of government-sponsored terrorism, paid for with your tax dollars and mine.
So yeah, Kirstjen Nielsen, one of the great monsters of American history, is no longer in a position of power, but we can't even toast her downfall because it turns out she lost her job for not being vile enough. Lordy. It's like firing Brad Pitt cuz you'd rather get a handsome guy, or getting rid of Chuck Todd because you want somebody to REALLY commit to subverting objective reality to a bullshit “both sides” narrative.
Like, if there's an afterlife, God's gonna need to resurrect Dante to brainstorm appropriate punishments. Kirstjen Nielsen's job was to hurt people, and she took to it with great vigor and enthusiasm. But I guess her position came down to “look, let's be as evil as we possibly can...within the confines of the law,” and dammit, if you're gonna let such petty limitations interfere with your pursuit of atrocity, there's just no room for you in the hierarchy of shit-gargling demons running the executive branch these days.
Probably the most chilling detail of the Nielsen saga is the bit where Pissant Pol Pot wanted to fire her months ago, but she won her way back into his good graces by deploying tear gas against a group of asylum-seekers. Y'know, I'm not an ethicist or anything, but if you find yourself in a position where you're tear-gassing children to impress your boss, you might want to take two steps back and ask yourself where and when you turned into such a walking sack of hippopotamus diarrhea.
How awesome is the feeling you get in your stomach when you read half a dozen headlines containing the words “Donald Trump” and “purge?” Especially when you get a few paragraphs in and discover we're apparently turning all immigration policy over to Tarpit-Souled RageShrew Stephen Miller? Little nauseous? Maybe like the dream where you're giving a speech in your underwear but you're also on ship that's rocking back and forth in the middle of storm and also you just ate a whole jar of Cadbury Creme Mayonnaise? Yeah, me too.
But yeah, at Miller's direction, we're getting an All-New, All-Shitty, leadership team over at DHS. The director of the Secret Service is out, with nothing but a handful of playground insults as thanks for his months of service protecting the Marmalade Shartcannon's lazy grifter ass. Who'll wind up in charge? Any shortlist with Mediocre White Guy Supremacist KKKris KKKobach on it should keep all decent Americans awake at night.
Boy, Government Cheese Goebbels sure does hate it when the law interferes with his quest to Make America White Again. Apparently, he told a group of Border Patrol agents not to worry their little heads about the silly ol’ law, just do whatever it takes to keep those “animals” out, America's “full,” and yeah, Beto was WAY out of line with the Nazi comparisons.
And just cuz the verdammte “law” says he has to provide members of Congress access to his Kiddie Koncentration Kamps, excuse me, “child detention centers” doesn't mean he'll actually let them in when they show up. “Oh fuck no, we're imprisoning little kids in horrific conditions in here,” said an HHS spokesmonster, “There's no fucking way we're letting you see that.”
Now they're saying it'll take two fucking years to reunite all the families they've already torn apart. Basically, this Clowncar Full of Rectums is now hiding behind their where-the-fuck-are-the-light-switches incompetence to mask their fascism.
I dunno about y’all, but I am getting sick of this shit. I'm tired of having a terrorist President. I'm tired of having a President who inspires violence instead of hope. Hey, let's round some shit up real quick:
A TRUMP SUPPORTER armed with a rifle has been stalking Mormon churches in Arizona, looking to threaten and/or assassinate former Senator Jeff Flake. Oh, but don't confuse that with:
The TRUMP SUPPORTER in Chicago who just pled guilty to threatening Flake's life, or:
The TRUMP SUPPORTER who was just arrested for threatening to kill Representative Ilhan Omar, or:
The two TRUMP SUPPORTERS who got arrested for yelling racial slurs and attacking a pair of teenagers at an Ohio Waffle House.
Anybody noticing a fucking pattern here? You never hear, “President Trump inspired me to donate blood, or mow my elderly neighbor's lawn, or maybe just spend five minutes of my day being a decent human being for a change,” NOPE, just terrorism.
And somehow, former Senator Norm Coleman, in his current role as chairman of the Republican Jewish Coalition, found it appropriate to lift up the Turd Emperor of the Very Fine People in sycophantically-cringey idolatrous prayer. I'm glad I picked the party that doesn't demand surgical removal of the spinal column, y'know?
Oh, I shouldn't paint with too broad a brush, I know. It's not fair to call all Republicans racists, of course. Why, take devout, principled, Erick Erickson, for example! He's never been shy about condemning Trump's moral failings! And we must admit, his own tirade today, about how Pete Buttigieg's faith and sexuality mean he can't possibly be a “real” Christian is totally different from Donnie Dotard's bigotry, except for the ways that it's not, which is all of them.
Anyway, the GOP stands for all kinds of stuff, not just hate! They're super-committed to letting Sharty McFly keep his tax returns secret, that's for sure! Acting Chief of Staff/Jerk-of-all-Trades Mick Mulvaney says Dems will never ever ever ever times infinity plus two get to see the returns, and hey, I get it, getting their asses handed to them in court is kind of these folks’ “thing.” Losing in court* is to the Trump administration as “Aaaaayyyyyy” is to the Fonz, honestly.
Heck, even ol’ Willard Romney is gettin’ in on the sphincter-smoochin’ action! The Romney brand is, if nothing else, consistent: promise steel, deliver soggy Wonder Bread.
I see the Chinese woman who breached security down at Marm-a-Lago was armed with the full Boris-n'-Natasha junior spy kit, how fun. Don't worry, I'm sure this is the only time anything like this has ever happened, and that everything else down at the privately-owned property where the President sells access to himself is both hunky and dory.
You probably saw where the Bonespur Buttplug overruled everybody who actually understands anything, and named Iran's Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps a foreign terrorist organization, kind of ironic on a day when he worked to transform the Department of Homeland Security into a domestic terrorist organization. Is there any upside to this move? Nope. Plenty of potential downside? You bet your sweet bippy. Obviously, Hillary Clinton's “I Am Not a Gigantic Moron” platform just wasn't what Americans were looking for.
So I guess Fed nominee Stephen Moore really didn't like the idea of paying his ex-wife child support and alimony, and it took four cops and locksmith breaking into his house to get him to, y'know, obey the law and support his family. Anyway, let's get this prince some keys to the whole dang economy, huh?
In a move that delivered the double endorphin rush of fucking over both his hated predecessor and brown people generally, Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet rolled back an Obama-era deal that allowed Cuban baseball players to play in MLB. An executive order declaring that all apple pies must be stored overnight in an outhouse before consumption is expected early next week.
In the midst of all this unbridled fuckery, what's the Democratic Party up to? Passing the new, stronger-than-ever, Violence Against Women Act in the House, over the objections of the NRA toadies in the GOP minority, that's what. And what's the NRA doing these days? Not much, just sending dirtbag propaganda letters to a gun control activist who lost his daughter in the Parkland massacre. Yeah, folks, we picked the right team.
So...yeah, if you've been throwing loose change into the fountain at your local shopping mall, wishing for a sudden, magical, return to decency, it didn't fucking work. Wish harder, asshole, we're on the clock here. FUCK. I am, rather unexpectedly, gonna go drink now.
*Did they lose in court yet again today? Well, it's a day ending in “y,” so...yes.
PS - Ridiculously Late Thank You Tour update: Ok, so I thought I could use the payment app to respond, but it turns out I can only send emojis, and only to the three most recent donors. Therefore, if you sent a donation using an e-mail address in the name field, I will send you a ridiculously late note. If I only have a name, I'll be listing you in one big group thank you in a forthcoming blog. (Since nobody gave permission to use their name on the site, I'll use first names and last initials. The point is, I'm deeply grateful to all of you.)
The Woeful Week That Was: Walls, Windmills, and White Supremacists (Ferret/ShowerCap)
I see they're starting to drop teasers for the new Joker movie...given everything we deal with on a day to day basis, I'm not sure a film about a criminally insane agent of chaos will come off as relaxing escapism. Anyway, between the daily news and this Cadbury Creme Mayonnaise horror, in 2019, the Joker feels about as transgressive as an accountant watching golf from a beige loveseat.
Fuck it, let's do the news. (And if you want this post with all those news links, and there's a whole lot of ‘em tonight, click here: http://showercapblog.com/the-woeful-week-that-was-walls-windmills-and-white-supremacists/)
So, this week, the President of the United States asked for “cat soup” with his overcooked steak, repeatedly insisted that he'd never been married to Marla Maples, and told a rally crowd that eating a human toenail daily reduces the risk of heart disease.
Ok, none of that is true. But he did mispronounce the word "origins" ( “Oranges?” Come on, the writers are just getting lazy now), say his father was born in Germany (nope), and claim that the noise from windmills causes cancer, and is that any less ridiculous?
The windmill thing was several days ago now, so all the good gags are long gone, but the honest truth is, I didn't even see the Don Quixote angle, so I really don't deserve to make a joke anyway.
I guess somebody wrote an entire fucking book about how Weehands McNodick cheats at golf like it was a second wife approaching middle age. We could talk about how this reveals the man's all-consuming pettiness, but folks...golf is really important to him. He does it whenever he can, and he's been doing it for a long damn time. And he's STILL so shitty at it that he has to cheat. All the stuff he's less interested in/experienced with? Like, say, international diplomacy, or, y'know...running the motherfucking country? Honestly, how are any of us still alive?
When a guy A) Cheats at golf, B) Becomes President of the whole dang United States, and C) Is a white supremacist, I guess we shouldn't really be too terrifically surprised when he goes out of his way to rig the game for all the Very Fine People in his dirtbag base. So yeah, DHS disbanded a group that was focused on domestic terrorism, but hey, it's not like they did it in the middle of a surge in homegrown white nationalist terrorism or anything OH WAIT.
Speaking of the Mediocre KKK Weekend Softball Team governing our nation, while the Shart Administration continues to fail daily at fulfilling promises like bringing back manufacturing jobs or balancing the budget, it must be admitted, they are on the very bleeding edge of hatred. Nobody's ever thought of using a natural disaster that killed hundreds of people to turn folks against each other before*, but we're dealing with real innovators of bigotry here. Incessant lies about disaster relief to Puerto Rico are the appetizer; the main course is sending your sneering stooge out to refer to that island, whose residents are American citizens, as “that country.”
Hey, I know your emotional bandwidth has largely been consumed by concentration camps full of migrant children and transgender Americans facing rollbacks of their civil rights, but maybe you can spare half a thought and 27% of a prayer for James Comey, who apparently still stays awake at night wondering if his dumbfuck letter about Hillary Clinton's e-mails got a certain Tangerine Tyrant elected, which, by the way, IT ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DID.
Yeah, I remember once when I accidentally broke one of my mom's decorative flower pots, I felt bad about it for a bit. I imagine if I FUCKED UP THE ENTIRE MOTHERFUCKING PLANET because I PLACED MY PERSONAL EGO ABOVE THE WELL-BEING OF ALL LIFE ON EARTH and got a SHAMELESS PSYCHOPATHIC MORON elected President, I'd have some sleepless nights, too. Anyway, maybe try some tea, you unbearable fuckhead.
Heh. All those red state felon disenfranchisement laws might just wind up backfiring in North Carolina, with a number of the GOP's leading power-brokers indicted in a brand new corruption scandal. No, this is the bribery one, not the election fraud one. Anyway, there'll be so many North Carolina Republicans in prison by 2020, it might just be a blue-leaning swing state, but I bet they'll absolutely dominate the cool kids table in the prison cafeteria.
Sharty McFly's critics claim his policies make life harder for working people, with his tariffs and plutocrat-empowering tax cuts and his repeated attempts to steal health insurance from millions, but I say he deserves credit for the segments of the population he does help! Why, think of how much easier he's made life for all those blue-collar foreign spies out there, just tryin’ to make ends meet by delivering state secrets to our geopolitical rivals! He's rolled out the red carpet for them, conducting highly classified business at his precisely-as-insecure-as-its-owner Marm-a-Lago resort! Yes, if you're a hostile foreign power looking to get a leg up on the ol’ U.S. of A., you've got one helluva safety net...if you're a working class American? Well, go fuck yourself.
For Pete's sake, have we become so blindly partisan that we can't acknowledge the rare occasions when Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot actually helps people? The fake liberal media keeps peppering us with stories of folks facing higher-than-expected tax bills following his tax scam reform, but that's not the full picture! Why, just one working class fellow, a guy by the name of J.P. Morgan, saw a $3.7 billion windfall on his tax bill, and I'll bet he's just the sort of salt of the earth type who'll share his good fortune with the community, maybe take the neighborhood kids out for an ice cream co-wait, what? JP Morgan isn't a dude, it's a predatory global investment firm? A vampire squid draining wealth from working people all over the world, directly into the 1%'s pocket? CUT TO COMMERCIAL, DAMMIT!
Louie Gohmert has maintained his viselike grip on the Dumbest Man in Congress title for so long, it's almost unthinkable to look for serious challengers, but I think it's time we gave Matt Gaetz a hard look. Following his comments this week on transgender rights, you'd have to conclude Matt's IQ falls somewhere between that of a donkey and a donut.
And now he wants to move to Alabama to run for Senate! The very thought of primary debates between that mouth-breathing troll, and Mo Brooks, two of the dumbest, most hateful men I have ever seen in my life, trying to out-Trump one another...I know Jordan Peele has pledged not to cast white leads in his films, but the horror potential here is enormous.
And William Barr's master plan to paper over the findings of the biggest investigation in American history with a four-page memo and a "Frankie Say Relax” sticker, and then counting on everybody getting distracted by Game of Thrones seems to be showing cracks.
The investigators on Mueller's team, who ran a tightly-sealed ship for two years, have finally started to leak, and they're clearly unhappy with Barr's going-away present of shirts that read, “I Investigated a Foreign Attack on the United States and All I Got was a Bullshit Memo and This Lousy T-Shirt.”
Meanwhile the Oversight Renaissance keeps on truckin’. The House Judiciary Committee will subpoena the Mueller report, in spite of Barr's attempts to wear extra-trustworthy-looking suits all week. And House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Richard Neal finally initiated what's sure to be the long, torturous, process of extracting the Marmalade Shartcannon's desperately-hidden tax returns.
But Don the Con keeps waving the wand he got at the Harry Potter theme park, shouting “Presidential harassment!” and “I'm under audit!” as though those are real things that will protect him from congressional oversight, which is almost cute, in an “aw, look at the widdle autocwat! Him is so scared and angwy!” sort of way, I suppose.
Now Team Treasonweasel says it'll take the fight to hide the evidence of his life of crime, excuse me, his “tax returns” all the way to the Supreme Court! Heh. Considering your record in the courts, m'boy, you may as well offer to arm-wrestle Levan Saginashvii for them. (Ok, so I had to google “arm-wrestling champions” for that joke. But everybody learned something new, didn't they?)
This one'll take a while, folks...right now Neal's just warming up the nitrous oxide machine and slipping on his rubber gloves with an ominous, theatrical, snap. But after two long years, Trump is finally in the damn dentist's chair, and this root canal is happening whether he likes it or not. And he's not getting a lollipop when it's all over, even if he's good. And if you don't think I can beat a metaphor to death, I assure you you are mistaken.
Obviously, the Candycorn Skidmark is terrified of what happens when the world gets ahold of those tax returns, as exhibited by his attempt to fast-track the confirmation of his chosen IRS chief counsel, placing it above even Barr's own confirmation. I honestly don't know what's crazier; using the full force of the central government of the most powerful nation in human history to cover up one man's crimes, or using all that power...and failing anyway.
Mike Pants yelled at NATO for a bit, only to be met with stony, no-doubt-fart-filled, silence. Now that we're well past the halfway mark for Strawberry Shartcake’s term, you get the sense the world is just waiting him out, and our European allies treat Mikey Hairshirt like...well, like what he is: a blistering mediocrity who tumbled backwards into his office, a useless errand boy who can't set any policy or make any promises worth a damn, because you never know when his idiot boss might upend U.S. foreign policy in a tweet because he misinterpreted a Ricola commercial as a Swiss military threat.
I see Emperor Shitmaggot is so concerned about Joe Biden's Touchy Old Guy controversy, he’s appointing accused sexual harasser Herman Cain to the Fed. The 9-9-9 guy on the fucking Federal Reserve Board. Y'know, I think I'm gonna start slowly phasing out the jokes here on the ol’ blog, and just let the news stand on its own. You'd still laugh.
Well, Mitch McConnell went and did it, he blew up Senate rules again to smooth out the Klan-rally-to-federal-government pipeline. Now there's scarcely enough debate time to catalogue the average Trump appointee's racially offensive social media posts, let alone actually vet any of them. Plus now the most junior Senator from New England has to give the nominee a relaxing mani-pedi during their floor testimony. Shameful.
Tim Ryan became the latest dude to jump into the Dem presidential primary, with a futile plan to out-whiteguy the Grifter Grand Wizard, and look, I'm sure his mom will be thrilled to see him on television more. While I have no intention of voting for Tim, I find it pretty inspirational that he can even walk, let alone campaign, with Nancy Pelosi's boot so far up his ass.
There's not a lot to do in the House minority, you don't get to set the agenda or pass laws or anything fun like that. But every so often, Pelosi calls everybody to the floor for a vote, and she summons the increasingly-feral GOP caucus by ringing a great big bell and shouting, “OH BOYS! TIME TO REMIND AMERICA WHAT GIGANTIC FESTERING ASSHOLES YOU ALL ARE!”
And damned if they don't rise to the bait every fuckin’ time. “Hey Republicans, d'ya still wanna steal health care from millions of your constituents?” FUCK YEAH WE DO. “Ok, we only ask because we just kicked your ass on this issue last November! While we've got you, how do you feel about the Violence Against Women Act” GRRRRARRRRR FUCK THAT SHIT, WHO ARE WE TO INFRINGE UPON THE RIGHTS OF A MAN WITH A HISTORY OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE TO PURCHASE A MURDER MACHINE?!??! HE'S A LAW-ABIDING PATRIOT RIGHT UP TO THE MOMENT WHEN THE ROUND LEAVES THE CHAMBER, DAGNABBIT!”
...how exactly is the party that wants less health care and more murder the one that calls itself “pro-life” again? I mean, I was an English major, but did I maybe sleep in on the day they went over what words mean?
I confess I get a kick out of the handful of occasions when Donnie Dotard’s pea-sized lizard brain actually comprehends that he's fucked something up, like that guilty look your dog gets when you walk in on him chewing up your nicest pair of shoes. Anyway, House Republicans seem to have cooled his enthusiasm to lead his party back off the diving board into the swimming pool full of broken glass and starving rats that is Obamacare repeal, presumably by gathering together and screaming in unison "HEY ASSHOLE, NOTICE HOW THERE'S FORTY FEWER OF US NOW?!?!”
And the Velveeta Vulgarian decided he enjoyed the new Humiliating Retreat ride at the Six Flags of Life so much, he just had to go again! One minute he's struttin’ around, threatening to close the entire southern border if Mexico doesn't shut down all undocumented immigration and reveal to him the awesome secrets of the fearsome umbrella, the next he's backing down so fast, Ralph Northam was jealous of his moonwalk.
There's a rule of threes, dammit. We need one more ridiculous threat, and one more pathetic attempt as ass-covering, masking a total reversal. “If he refuses to pass my infrastructure package, I will personally skullfuck Minority Leader Schumer on the floor of the Senate!” And then when Chuck takes off his jacket and says “Come at me, bro,” maybe a hasty, “Dr. Ronny Jackson has advised me that I will require 18 months of treatment for my suddenly resurgent bone spurs before I am cleared to engage in any skullfucking activities. Your lucky day, Schumer!”
Howard Schultz revealed a potentially game-changing endorsement of his generally pointless, cardboard-flavored, candidacy; the empty chair that Clint Eastwood brought onstage during the 2012 Republican National Convention. Truly, the GOP is bleeding support everywhere, even among the Daffy Old White Guy Furniture Metaphor community.
Hey, if you ever worry that we're not being governed by the best and the brightest, try this one on for size: Steve Mnuchin, our wily Treasury Secretary, tried to skirt ethics rules by selling his stake in a film production company...to his awful wife! OH YOU TRICKSY DOG, YOU. I kinda hope Louise uses her newfound clout to sneak behind her husband's back and get her horrible, tone-deaf, white savior memoir adapted for the silver screen.
Even though Paul Manafort makes it look like so much fun, it seems as though Michael Cohen is not excited about going to jail. Now he says he's got a whole new hard drive full of evidence of who knows how many crimes, but it's probably just all the Matchbox Twenty songs his boss told him to download from Napster in 1999.
And suddenly, Littlefinger pulled his pick for ICE Director, allegedly at the behest of Seething HateWeasel Stephen Miller, who wants somebody “tougher.” I'm trying to think of who might be cruel enough to meet Miller's standards, but I'm pretty sure all qualified candidates plummeted to off-screen deaths in Disney movies. I dunno, maybe Gaston landed on a haystack.
Word is, the Hairplug That Ate Decency is excited at the prospect of writing a tell-all memoir of his time as President. I think there's actually real literary potential here; imagine a pompous dolt narrator, utterly lacking in self-awareness, congratulating himself at every turn as he's rather obviously manipulated by everyone around him. Sadly, I’m sure it'll mainly be tales of smuggling the Monroe silver out of the White House one piece at a time in the pockets of those weirdly enormous pants. Anyway, just as soon as he learns to read and write, he's gonna be all over that shit.
So President Ostomy Bag went down to the border today. Because he is failure, he had no new wall to survey. Because is a fragile, ego-driven, loser, he had himself a plaque made celebrating something he hasn't achieved.
But because he is also a racist monster, he spewed some of the vilest hate speech you'll find this side of the Daily Stormer, the very same horrifying, dehumanizing, rhetoric that's been used throughout history to justify genocide. There's nothing funny about it at all. Yeah, he's a clown, and we've got him on his heels lately, but never, EVER, forget the raw evil animating this petty little freak and his political movement. He has to be stopped, and you have to help stop him. Yes, YOU.
FUCKING HELL I think this is the longest one I've ever written. Hopefully you got a head start on your weekend drinkin’ reading it, I certainly polished off a few beers writing it. Take care of yourselves, Resisters...your country needs you.
PS - So I was working up my taxes, and found myself fumbling around in the app we've been using to process beer donations, and it turns out there's always been a way to respond when somebody sends money, I was just too lazy/drunk/stupid to look for it.
Far and away the shittiest thing about Shower Cap has been how he has neglected to thank y’all for your generosity, but that stops now! I'm dedicating this weekend to catching up on my digital thank yous, which are loooooooong overdue. And I apologize for making you wait, there is simply no excuse.
*Yeah, that’s probably not true, is it? Forgive me if I mess up my history from time to time, I am but a humble dealer in poo jokes.
America in 2019: Well, I Lost My Health Insurance, But I Did Get This Nifty Security Clearance! F/SC
Oh look, ‘tis the first of April, surely the most irritating, er, merriest holiday on the internet! Perhaps I shall spend tonight's blog amusingly contradicting my established beliefs! I could talk of my support for Lindsey Graham's 2020 re-election, for example, wouldn't that be delightfully naughty? Fair is foul and foul is fair! I dislike beer, and cats, and gun control, ho ho ho what cheer!
...or we could just do the news, like usual. Let's do that. And as always, if you want this post with all those nifty news links, click here: http://showercapblog.com/america-in-2019-well-i-lost-my-health-insurance-but-i-did-get-this-nifty-security-clearance/
In one of those perfectly Trumpian collisions of hatred, ignorance, and boredom that periodically endangers all life on Earth, Government Cheese Goebbels threatened to close the border with Mexico. Yup. The whole border. He probably thinks there's a button he can push and a great big cartoon garage door rolls down from the sky. And yeah, if it does billions of dollars worth of damage to the American economy, throwing the nation into a recession, well, that's a small price to pay when you're a narcissist, and the only other option is backing down and admitting you were wrong.
In a move allegedly aimed at reducing illegal immigration, Fat Q*Bert announced he's cutting off foreign aid to Guatemala, El Salvador, and Honduras, which anyone with the mental capacity to tie a necktie to an appropriate length could tell you will actually increase illegal immigration. Yes, this is rather like going on a Crisco-and-deep-fried-butter diet and expecting weight loss, but hey, while America had the choice to delegate these sorts of decisions to a hyper-competent, extremely intelligent, non-rampaging-moron in 2016, well, she was a woman.
And yeah, I'm sure you all saw the thing where Fux n’ Fiendz referred to this story by referencing "3 Mexican countries.” Look, when your job posting for chyron-writer reads “instinctual racism and lack of attention to detail encouraged,” you have to expect this sort of thing.
Anyway, I think we can all stop worrying about 2020, for Jeff Flake has raised his banner, and proclaimed that so long as nobody minds, it'd probably be better if a Democrat beat Hairplug Himmler next year. With such a resolute foundation to build on, how can we lose? For when the American people look upon Jeff Flake, do they not see a man they would follow right up to the very gates of Hell, knowing he would surely express mild disapproval of Lucifer's centuries of depravity before voting to confirm his entire slate of judicial appointees?
Still, Shart Garfunkel believes he's found a golden ticket with his hot new “no collusion” campaign slogan. Honestly, it's better than running on his record, isn't it? “I tried to steal your health care, cut Meals on Wheels, and defund the Special Olympics, also I opened concentration camps for children on American soil and gave myself a big fat tax cut at the middle class’ expense!” certainly doesn't have the simple elegance of “no collusion,” and anyway it's too long to fit on a cheap, made-in-China ballcap.
Traffic to porn sites plummeted over the last week, as Americans are increasingly meeting their arousal needs by reading stories about Alex Jones squirming and flailing as his long-overdue day of reckoning draws ever nearer. I'm no lawyer, but I imagine “I used anonymous 4chan posts as ‘evidence’ to provoke my dirty fuckstick followers in a campaign to terrorize families who lost their children at Sandy Hook, MY BAD” isn't going to hold up in court. Anyway, if I get hit by a train or struck by lightning before these lawsuits squeeze every last dime out of this swollen rage tick, I am absolutely haunting the shit out of that courtroom.
We tend to focus on the negative in these times of constant turmoil and borderline fascism, but today, I choose to celebrate the fact that we've survived more than two years with the nuclear arsenal controlled by a man who doesn't know what batteries are. Yes, the Velveeta Vulgarian, feeling his oats after his Complete and Total 100% Exoneration Forever and Ever No Take-Backs (more on that in a minute) tried to dunk on renewable energy by pointing out that it's not always windy. Instead of debates next year, maybe we should just have the candidates take fifth grade science tests.
Gosh, Stephen Moore sure is upset that he's being vetted before he's handed the enormous political power that is so clearly his birthright as a Mediocre White Dude. Anyway, it's really cool to live in a country where you still have to wonder if a tax-and-child-support-dodging turdmaggot like Moore, who, just as a side note, is also totally unqualified for this post, will be confirmed by the obsequious Republican Party anyway.
So, I guess Mick Mulvaney is bad at trivia, which is sort of amusing, but ultimately inconsequential. Regrettably, he is equally bad at health care policy, and the stakes there are...somewhat higher. With his shitsack boss working in court to destroy the Affordable Care Act, Mick went on the Sunday Shoz to insist that nobody will lose their health insurance should the Trump Administration position prevail, presumably because elves will go door to door offering the affected families coverage in exchange for their firstborn children.
I'm disappointed in Mulvaney, if only because the gaslighting has gotten so lazy. Mick, we already know that Republicans would happily watch millions of Americans die from treatable ailments if it meant lowering the DeVos family tax bill by just enough to gas up a yacht or two; that's why so many of your old House colleagues are enjoying their new private sector gigs right now. Take a little pride in your work, man! Tell us we're not only getting pre-existing conditions covered, but a free basket of adorable puppies at no extra charge! At least when Sarah Slanders lies to us, she makes the effort to sneer condescendingly at anyone still clinging to quaint concepts like “objective reality.”
Don't worry though, Strawberry Shartcake has placed a Medicare fraudster in charge of the GOP's health care “reform” effort. That's not an April Fool's joke, by the way. How in the living fuck is that not an April Fool's joke? I mean, you've got 53 Senators to choose from, and while they're certainly not the best and brightest America has to offer, surely you could've chosen somebody who never ran a company that perpetrated the “largest health-care fraud case in U.S. history.” What, is Ron Johnson too busy switching to pull-up training pants?
We know Pissant Pol Pot is driven largely by a crippling jealously of his immediate predecessor, who was well-liked, and, y'know, understood things...well, Don, while you're demonstrably inferior to Barack Obama by almost every metric, you've lapped him several times over on the “humiliating defeats in court” thing. This time a federal judge overturned his executive order opening parts of the Arctic and North Atlantic to fossil fuel drilling. Hope you get some quality down time in your weekly taxpayer-funded golf vacations, Fuck-O, cuz you must get awfully tired of losing.
A whistleblower tells us the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits doesn't like it much when he's told his corrupt stooges have no business possessing high-level security clearances just because they're “susceptible to blackmail” or “have a criminal history” or “will sell state secrets to get out from under serious personal financial trouble,” so he's overruled security experts 25 times, and opened up the U.S. intel buffet to the Dick Tracy rogues gallery of creeps and crooks he surrounds himself with. TWENTY-FIVE. They probably gave one to Kid Rock when he visited the Shart House, because they ran out of commemorative pens and couldn't figure out how to open the supply cabinet.
You know, I'm starting to think Republicans weren't acting in good faith when they cited national security concerns in attacking Hillary Clinton over her e-mail server.
I see Mitch McConnell is getting under everybody's skin again, with his latest bullshit excuse for blowing up Senate norms to facilitate his Turd Emperor's efforts to stuff the government with dolts and grifters. I admit I find it rather charming whenever somebody throws some old speech in Wrinkly Gamera's face, demonstrating his hypocrisy for all the world to see...the dude understands he's a hypocrite, and he does not give a single fuck who knows it.
Mitch McConnell plays the politics of power, and he does so very very well. I say, don't get mad, take his power away. In 2020, send the old bastard home, or at the very least to the Senate minority, and let him flail his little turtle legs ineffectually in the air as we undo his life's work. Don't give his trolling a second thought.
And now we learn the Shart House is considering adding an “immigration czar,” and they've narrowed the candidates down to our old chum, Failed Professional Bigot KKKris KKKobach, and Wow It Takes Being Mentioned in the Same Sentence as Kris Fucking Kobach to Make Him Seem Like the Less Insane Choice Ken Cuccinelli. Me, I think this primarily about getting Stephen Miller a friend with similar interests to hang out with, so expect both men to reject this post.
But from where I sit, the big news these days is the polling. The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor was so damn sure that with the Mueller investigation behind him, his troubles were over, and life was all wall funding and overcooked steaks from here on out...but it looks like outside of his brainwashed rube base, everybody still fucking hates him, and the coalition that administered his historic midterm spanking shows no signs of fracturing. Turns out, pursuing an aggressively unpopular agenda in open defiance of the people's loudly-expressed wishes isn't some deft, 5th-dimensional strategy by a political genius, it's the boneheaded act of a cud-brained idiot who's too dumb to understand counting.
Me, I figure it's time I was counting the beers in my fridge, backwards, down to zero. Holy shit, that was one lame-ass transition, but it's too late now, here we are, in the last paragraph of the blog, and I'm certainly not getting any funnier tonight. I think it's best if we all just move on now.
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