TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalThe President is Afraid of a Dead Man's Name on the Side of a Boat, & Other News (Ferret/Shower Cap)
It's always nice when Shithead leaves the country, isn't it? The air just smells a little cleaner, which I assume is the absence of experimental hair tonic fumes and overdone steak farts. Anyway, it looks like Customs let the fucker back in, so I guess it's back to work, Resisters.
(As is customary, you can find this post, with allllll those news links you know and love, at: http://showercapblog.com/the-president-is-afraid-of-a-dead-mans-name-on-the-side-of-a-boat-other-news/)
Of course, Dorito Mussolini certainly wasn't going to let a journey abroad interfere with his favorite pastime; losing in court. This latest humiliating failure involved his blatantly unconstitutional scheme to circumvent Congress’ refusal to fund his Big Stupid Wall by declaring a state of emergency, where the emergency was “I'm too shitty at my job to get what I want.” Weird that that didn't work. I swear, if Donald Trump had to duel the Devil at Losing in Court, it wouldn't be close.
While in Japan, Fat Q*Bert mostly whined and sulked about the news back home, periodically jumping through hoops for Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. He did take time out to high-five Kim Jong-un, aka That Guy Who Keeps Firing Missiles at Japan, for taking a dig at Joe Biden, or perhaps Joe Bidan, whichever one is trouncing him in every available Rust Belt poll.
What's really amazing here is, Strawberry Shartcake really thinks Kim is his BUD, rather than a murderous, third-rate, goon who can't believe his luck that the President of the Whole Goddamn United States is such a pliable doofus that he can flatter his way out of any consequences for torturing an American citizen to death.
Of course, what does it say when the dude who's effortlessly manipulated by such a cheap thug plays YOU like a fiddle? Because the Failing-for-real-this-time New York Times apparently could think of no greater use for its precious column inches than a chronicle of Weehands McNodick’s juvenile nicknames for his political opponents, and yeah if you think I'm linking to that shit, this stupid mask must be workin', cuz you don't know me at all.
In other news, I guess Jon Voight is an idiot. That's kinda interesting. Or not. I really enjoyed his work in Midnight Cowboy, but he sure turned out to be one dumb motherfucker, didn't he?
Back home, Alabama Congressdoorknob Mo Brooks unveiled a bold new theory, attributing rising sea levels not to climate change but to, and holy fuck I feel stupid just typing this, dirt and rocks falling into the ocean. Hmmm...y'know what, I'm gonna go out a limb and bet that your research isn't quite peer-reviewed, Mo. I tell you folks, if we just put childproof locks on the doors to the House Chamber, we could solve 80% of the nation's problems overnight.
Duncan Hunter, in an effort to defend a war criminal (which is, I guess, something that Duncan Hunter feels is a worthwhile endeavor for whatever reason), casually admitted that he, too, has posed for photos with an enemy corpse, while serving in the Marine Corps. Between Hunter and Brooks, I have to ask...do y’all understand what cameras are? Do you comprehend that when you say creepy and/or stupid shit in front of one, the whole world will quickly discover how creepy and/or stupid you are?
Dude's under indictment for honey bunches of crimes already, is he going for some sort of “incurable sociopath” defense? “As you can plainly see, your honor, I've been a raging asshat my entire life. Frankly, any day I get through without kicking an old lady or drowning a puppy merits a pizza party, in my view. With cake. Ice cream cake.”
So, the wedding planner that the Velveeta Vulgarian installed as a high-ranking HUD official (this time period is gonna confuse the fuck out of historians) felt it was very important to let the American people know how little she cares that she's violating the Hatch Act. Later, Kellyanne Conway sneeringly concurred that laws are indeed for cucks. Now, I don't want to seem alarmist, but we've officially arrived at the point in the story where the (aggressively subpar) agents of the regime feel comfortable openly mocking the rule of law, and that is, I submit to you, decidedly not bangarang.
This is gonna seem ultra-weird under our swamp-draining, hyper-transparent, not-even-slightly-nepotistic administration, but Jared Kushner's mega-corrupt family business, despite their well-publicized recent struggles to get out from under a terrible Manhattan real estate deal, somehow managed to procure a federally-backed $800 million loan! Some folks're just lucky, I guess!
Oh and some genius “political analyst” figured it'd be a really awesome joke if he made up a “plausible"-sounding Trump quote to follow up on the Biden/Kim shenanigans, and it went so well, Government Cheese Goebbels himself merrily presented it to the world as an example of the devious, dishonest, Fake Nooz Left out to discredit and destroy him, and thanks to your little gag, Ian Bremmer, he got to be 100% in the right this time. Anyway, if we all end up in camps, you definitely get the bottom bunk, bro, for lending these wannabe-fascists a helping hand in their quest to destroy the free press.
Bloomberg reports that Mick Mulvaney and Alex Acosta are waging themselves a little jagoff turf war over control of the Department of Labor. Golly, who do even you root for when two of history's leading ballsacktumors butt heads? It's like choosing between the rabid hyena gnawing on your face and the Ebola virus liquefying your organs, y'know?
Michael Wolff, who is apparently still fond of money, has a shiny new book coming out, full of salacious-if-totally-unfounded clickbait, but this time around it feels like “sorry bro, now that we have kiddie koncentration kamps and daily constitutional crises, your fanfic where Steve Bannon comes off like a catty little bitch just doesn't feel shocking anymore, but thanks for playing.
Secretary of Transportation/Tortoise Aficionado Elaine Chao seems to have changed her mind about divesting herself of stock in a company DoT would oversee, because ethics just don't keep Mitch in turtle chow, y’all. At this point, these bastards are just trying to see how much shit they can get away with without even landing in the A section of the paper. Mark my words, Steve Mnuchin's gonna open a meth lab right in the Treasury Building, and then to one-up him, Sonny Perdue'll have to beat an intern to death with a lead pipe on Meet the Press. Transportation Sec unethically lining her pockets? Shit, that shares a page with the crossword or a fuckin’ Macy's ad.
Not content with their daily betrayals of the United States of America, the Turdmaggot Administration wants to do all it can to fuck up the whole dang world, so they're ramping up their assault on climate science by preventing government scientists from using computer generated models that actually, y'know, tell us the things we need to know about whether or not the planet will be inhabitable in the future. Something you, dear reader, probably don't know about climate change is, if enough conservatives close their eyes really tight, cover their ears as hard as they can, and chant NEENERNEENERNEENER loud enough, the planet's climate automatically reverts to normal, and the emissions from fossil fuels suddenly cure cancer and also give off a refreshing pine scent. CHECKMATE LIBTARDS.
So you probably saw the thing where Mitch McConnell smirkingly declared that the rule he pulled straight out of his reptilian rectum to block Merrick Garland's Supreme Court appointment would magically disintegrate should a new vacancy arise in 2020, because he runs the U.S. Senate like a shitty, white supremacist, Calvinball game. Infuriating, yes?
Yeah, Wrinkly Gamera just loooooooooves getting under your skin, but I say don't take the bait. You wanna piss Mitch McConnell off? Send him to the minority. Watch him flail and twitch and rage through the twilight of his career as we methodically undo his life's work. Or better yet, defeat him next year so he can do all that flailing/twitching/raging even more ineffectually, at home.
So, Bodacious Bob Mueller assembled the press, and therefore the American people, to say “Hey, READ MY SHIT! I made this report, I worked REALLY hard on it, Bill Barr even let me use the office laminating machine for the cover, and I don't wanna be pushy or anything, but rather than blindly accepting the spin of whichever pundits comfortingly parrot your own beliefs back at you, maybe you could shut off the teevee, put down your phone, and, I dunno, READ WHAT I ACTUALLY FUCKING WROTE?!?!”
“Maybe I can just walk y’all through a few bullet point before I go on the most deserved vacation in American history. RUSSIA ATTACKED THE UNITED STATES. The United States is the country where we all live, and I wouldn't bring that up if it didn't seem like some of y’all in Congress hadn't gotten a little confused on that point, what with McConnell repeatedly blocking bills to shore up election security against future attacks. Look, I've been busy, but is DEFENDING THE MOTHERFUCKING HOMELAND FROM FOREIGN ATTACKS partisan now? Because if so, I'm handing in my secret elephant decoder ring, 'kay?”
“And by the way, the only reason I didn't indict Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops is because he is way too good at business and also I was afraid he might strangle me to death with his totally-normal-sized hands JUST KIDDING it’s because he's the sitting President. If he wasn't President, he’d be in fucking jail right now. Shit, he'd have six or seven jails fighting over who gets him. I'm kind of not allowed to say ‘impeach the motherfucker,’ but ‘im-each-pay uh-thay otherfucker-may,’ if you catch my drift...do I have to fucking sit here and tap out ‘impeach him’ in Morse code with my motherfucking finger on this motherfucking lectern?”
And somehow, the world exploded, like he said something, anything, beyond what he wrote in the report that was released weeks ago, even though he absolutely did not. Apparently, America just needs to hear Robert Mueller say shit himself. Maybe I should hire him to read my humble blog aloud, or to ask that one cute barista out for me.
Rick Perry, who continues to serve as Energy Secretary primarily because he gets a kick out of going to regular cabinet meetings where he's not the biggest buffoon in the room for a change, finds himself presiding over a desperate bid to rebrand fossil fuels as “Freedom Gas,” or even “Molecules of U.S. freedom.” What's the problem, Rick? Was “Patriot Smoke” taken? “Emancipation Vapor?” Anyhow, I think Rick Perry has the mother lode of Freedom Gas between his ears HAW HAW HAW TIP YOUR WAIT STAFF.
If you happen to be allergic to patheticness, you were likely hospitalized this week in the wake of the news about Shart House aides frantically trying to cover up all evidence of the USS John S. McCain during President Crotchvoid's Japan trip because the commander in chief of the most powerful military force the world has ever known possesses all the crippling insecurity of a zit-riddled sixth-grader at his first school dance, who was so awkward that he actually brought a book to read rather than displaying his desperation in front of all his classmates and holy hell this sentence got autobiographical in a hurry MOVING ON.
Anyway, the next President shouldn't be the single most pitiful man in America, is all I'm saying. The next President shouldn't be AFRAID OF A NAME ON THE SIDE OF A BOAT.
Just as a side note, if it were up to me, I woulda painted a great big fuckin’ thumbs down on the side of that destroyer, give Shartolo Colon the welcome he deserves.
Secret documents from a prominent Republican ratfucker reveal the Very Fine Administration's proposed census immigration question, currently awaiting SCOTUS ruling, was indeed drafted with enshrining institutionalized white supremacy in mind, kinda like, y'know, EVERY SINGLE THING THE REPUBLICAN PARTY DOES THESE DAYS. Don't worry, I'm sure Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch will do the right thing and HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH GOTCHA.
Hey, have you met Scott Warren? Scott's facing a potential 20 year prison sentence. Now, since a Tennessee pastor recently got just 12 years for repeatedly raping his own daughter, Scott must've done something genuinely heinous, right? Well you see, and you may want to shield young children from the remainder of this paragraph...Scott Warren gave food and water to a couple of migrants in the Arizona desert.
Look, Scott, your federal government wants to torture and terrorize migrants, not help them! Compassionate conservatism is as extinct as Stephen Miller's spray-on hair experiment, and if our white supremacist government has to lock you up because the light of your decency shines too brightly on the evils of their dehumanization campaign, then so be it.
Roy Moore, with more free time than he knows what to do with now that he's been banned from every mall and playground in Alabama, keeps making noises about another Senate run. Republicans want you to believe they oppose Moore's candidacy because of his history of sexual deviancy, but PedoPal Alex Acosta's ongoing Labor Secretaryship dispels that particular spin rather thoroughly; nah, while the GOP's tolerance for crime of all stripes is limitless, the one thing they cannot abide is a loser. Still, the Carcinogenic Creamsicle wants the world to know he has “NOTHING against Roy Moore,” which is a strange thing to say, on account of Moore being a FUCKING PEDOPHILE. Like my grandpappy used to say, “Son, don't walk through this life concerned about the esteem of child molesters.” I have that cross-stitched, in a folksy little frame, on the wall of my apartment.
Heh. Looks like the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits lost track of his lies for a moment, and accidentally admitted that th'Russians provided the booster seat he sits on behind the Resolute desk. He tried to delete the tweet and walk back his confession, but sorry, Shart-O...no do-overs.
Rough one tonight, huh? There's some legitimately scary shit going down these days, so I think everybody deserves a first-Thanksgiving-home-from-college-sized portion of good news, just as a reminder that while everything that's good and decent about this country seems to be under assault from a thousand different directions every single goddamn day, the good guys are still winning a few.
Now that team blue is runnin’ the show in Nevada, a big fat criminal justice reform bill has been signed into law, including felon re-enfranchisement! Call it the Reverse DeSantis Maneuver. Maybe “WE'RE not afraid of voters” should be the official Democratic Party slogan.
Plus, New Hampshire abolished the death penalty, an act made all the sweeter by the legislature telling Republican Governor Chris Sununu precisely where he can stick his veto*.
But for me, the schadenfreude maraschino cherry on this week’s Go Fuck Yourself sundae has to be the ouster of Texas Secretary of State David Whitley, whose KKKobachian attempt at a massive voter roll purge went too far even for a traditional Republican stronghold. Turns out that Beto-led blue surge down in the Lone Star State was just big enough to have real impact. Elections matter, folks. All of ‘em.
And a big shout-out to CNN for that rare act of brutally honest journalism, calling President Liar McLieface out for his “flurry of lies!” If you're truly committed to staying on the truth train, maybe you could also mention that he doesn't know how to tie a necktie, close an umbrella, or buy pants that don't look ridiculous.
Well, I think we're more or less caught up now, Shower Captives. Thank you for bearing with me during a week when the madness in my personal life threatened to match the Category 5 turd hurricane that is the daily news. There's been a little extra stress, but nothing a six-pack here and there hasn't been able to fix.
PS - Of course, while I was writing, President Shartcannon, in his wisdom, figured he could just impose tariffs on Mexico until they solved his “immigration crisis” for him. Anyway, congrats on your new tax, America...I wonder how many billions we get to pay to bail the economy out this time?
*Up his ass, is the implication here. He can stick his veto up his ass. Just wanted to be clear.
Cap's Memorial Day Madness Blowout! Every Remaining Shred of Sanity MUST GO! (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Good gravy, is all this shit really happening, or has the barista been spiking my frappuccino with hallucinogens and ghost pepper chili powder for the last 800 days or so? This one is what the poet would call “a doozy.” Get comfortable.
(As always, you can find this post, with helpful news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/caps-memorial-day-madness-blowout-every-remaining-shred-of-sanity-must-go/)
Ben Carson took his Holy Fuck They Let This Moron Cut Into People's Brains tour to the House Financial Services Committee, where he revealed that even after two years as HUD secretary, he knows less about his department than college kids who don't even make the interview stage for internships. Orange County Superfreshman Rep Katie Porter asked him if he knew what “REO,” a common term in his alleged field, meant, and Carson said “I would like to answer, but I Can't Fight This Feeling that you're asking me something I don't know, so it's Time For Me to Fly; I better Take it On the Run before I embarrass myself any further.”
Speaking of HUD, the MAGAjag Roundtable that meets in the Hall of Doom (or Trump Tower: Slaughter Swamp, as it is now called) decided that the last remaining obstacle to American greatness was a rule that prevents administrators from kicking transgender people out of homeless shelters, because we are governed by cruel people with no aspirations higher than inflicting harm on the vulnerable.
You could be forgiven for confusing the above story about the Trump Administration rolling back transgender protections with the OTHER story about the Trump Administration rolling back transgender protections, this time in regards to discrimination in health care. Gracious, you need a scorecard to keep track of all the ways these malignant shitsacks are reversing hard-won civil rights progress HAW HAW HAW GET IT A SCORECARD (weeps).
Don't believe me? There's more. They're undoing regulations that forbid federally-funded adoption agencies from discriminating against LGBTQ citizens, because truly, there is no right more sacred than that of the smug, hateful, Kim Davis crowd to feel the sweet rush of petty tyranny that comes from wielding their phony “faith” as a cudgel to hurt another human being.
Secret documents revealed Russian plans to weaponize America's largest renewable resource (that’s “hateful morons,” if you're new) against itself, hoping to stoke racial divides even to the point of violence. Let's all pause to enjoy a dark chuckle at Russia's increased popularity among Republicans, as the direct result of their ongoing efforts to destroy us. Personally, I intend to fight the poison before it kills my country, rather than giddily chugging it down like a fucking Big Gulp, but then, I am a cuck.
At his latest Klan rally, Hairplug Himmler, who surely understands that the office of the presidency is the only thing keeping him out of jail, floated the idea of serving as many as five terms, what a merry jest. I say try it, fucker. Do away with term limits, we bring Obama back, you walk away from that beating with 7 votes and a half-eaten Hot Pocket in the electoral college.
Former cast regular Rex Tillerson returned for a cameo, testifying behind closed doors before the House Foreign Affairs Committee. The one snippet that leaked was about how Vladimir Putin “out-prepared” President Crotchrot at their Hamburg, Germany meeting, and thus ran circles around him. Shit, Rex, any grade school kid who takes periodic breaks from guzzling paste to glance at the chalkboard would have Donnie Dotard out-prepared. We've watched fourth-rate fascist Kim Jong-un play him like a fiddle, of COURSE a legit KGB operative like Putin was able slide his arm up Trump's ass all the way to the elbow and make him perform Who's On First.
Looks like KKKris KKKobach's ridiculous demands for 20% of the executive branch's power plus also a pony led to him losing the “immigration czar” gig to his rival in hyper-racist far-right shitbaggery, Ken Cuccinelli. Trying pick who's the bigger jagoff, Ken or KKKris, is like trying to decide whether you'd rather gargle cat shit or thumbtacks.
A Mississippi state legislator, Doug McLeod, got arrested for punching his wife. Why did this neanderthal taintfungus punch his wife? Well you see, he drunkenly demanded sex, and determined that said wife was not undressing quickly enough for his liking, so he punched her in face, as one does, when one is a fucking monster. You're probably wondering, “Hey Cap, is this McLeod thug one of them fake Christian Republicans, who voted for a horrendously restrictive abortion ban in the name of religious rules he can't be bothered to follow in his own personal life?” Oh ye of little faith! Our boy Dougie here CO-SPONSORED Mississippi's fetal heartbeat ban, because FAMBLY VALYOOZ.
An internal memo at the IRS conceded that yes, the law is still a thing, and we have to turn Shart Garfunkel's tax returns, and all the plentiful evidence of criminal activity contained therein, over to Congress. Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin said that's all well and good, but he didn't get appointed to this wannabe tyrant's cabinet to follow the law, anyway, please don't send me to jail, there's no fucking way Louise will stay faithful, I'm not stupid, I know she married me for the money, Christ, have you seen me, I look like a potato that got run over by a mail truck.
William Barr doesn't want to go jail either, so the Justice Department agreed to turn over documents from the Mueller investigation to Adam Schiff and the House Intelligence Committee. As part of the capitulation, Schiff is also permitted to pick through the sack lunch Barr brings from home every day, and take whatever he likes, yes, even the fun-size Snickers he packs on Wednesdays as a little hump day treat.
Getting back to Mnuchbag real quick, he also poked his misshapen little plutocrat head out to say “We will not, as our predecessors (who were significantly less shitty people than we are) previously announced, be putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill because we are white supremacist dickbags, DUH.” Just one of the thousand little ways these fucks are hanging a big, fat, Whites Only sign on the USA.
More and more films and television shows are pulling out of Georgia in protest of their draconian anti-abortion law. Don't worry about it, regressives, we know how much y’all hate those “Hollywood values,” we wouldn't want you to sully your hands with any filthy Hollywood money. Anyway, good luck with your budget!
Nancy Pelosi moved into her summer home beneath the Velveeta Vulgarian’s ultra-thin skin, with a little press conference where she mentioned one of the crimes he's committed, and frankly I thought it was quite kind of her to leave the other five-dozen-or-so out, but Weehands McNodick melted down anyway, throwing the kind of tantrum that tends to get families banned from Denny's for life.
Yes, he vowed to do no business with the Democratic Party until they abandoned their dastardly oversight, so I guess we're looking at the very first presidential strike in American history. If anybody feels like crossing that particular picket line, I'll suspend my usual policy of disapproving of such things.
A fun little sidebar here, as Nancy casually swatted Kellyanne Conway away like an unusually dishonest fruit fly, and Conway feebly attempted to use the incident to paint herself as some sort of feminist martyr, perhaps hoping everyone had forgotten how she literally worked for the Legitimate Rape guy. Oh then there's her current gig.
But probably the most hilarious aspect is, the meeting the Manchurian Manchild blew up with his little hissy fit was supposed to be over a potential bipartisan infrastructure package, i.e. the one and only chance he has of accomplishing anything even mildly popular between now and November 2020. While the brainwashed will doubtlessly still insist he's playing 27-dimensional chess, the truth is more like they're playing regular chess, and Nancy's opening move is the thing with the horsey, and then Donnie thinks real hard for ten minutes, goes to the kitchen to retrieve a potato masher, and just starts whaling away at his own nutsack until he passes out.
Or wait, maybe the funniest part was the camera picking up the Bonespur Buttplug's handwritten notes, for his post-tantrum follow-up tantrum, this time for the press, berating Dems for having “No Achomlishments!” Jesus. After decades of inhaling the fumes from experimental hair tonics, his never-terrifically-impressive brain has decomposed to a few feeble clusters of misfiring neurons, centered on basic, animalistic, impulses like “hate,” “insecurity,” “thirst for fame” and "desire to fuck daughter.” Certainly there's no room available for higher functions like “understanding tariffs” or “how umbrellas work.”
And he keeps bellowing “no do-overs!” because, as we all know, the Constitution stipulates that the criminal justice system must operate by playground kickball rules. Roundly mocked for behaving like a full-diapered child, he called yet another press conference, to throw yet another tantrum about how he never threw the other tantrums everybody watched him throw, even forcing his craven staff to lie for him to that effect. I bet he missed Reince Priebus that day. Reince was REALLY good at those public groveling sessions.
Unable to cope with the effortless ease with which the Speaker manipulates their Turd Emperor, the pathetic rubes of Cult45 fled, as they always do, to a soothing alternate reality, distributing an obviously-altered video with Nancy's speech slowed and slurred. Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops even tweeted out a snotty little video of his own. In all fairness, I'd probably lash out too if my political nemesis kept my balls in a tiny jar on her desk.
Anyway, everybody pulls this shit. When we post videos of Trump making an ass of himself, we have to make massive cuts so they don't all run the length of a damn David Lean film, don't we? See? BOTH SIDES! (That one's for you, Chuck Todd.)
Hey look, New York State passed a law allowing state tax officials to hand the Grifter Grand Wizard's tax returns to the U.S. Congress on a silver fucking platter! Hey, maybe we can farm all this shit out to the states. If Florida makes it illegal to charge the Secret Service to pee at his tacky-ass golf resort, and Ohio cracks down on inciting violence at political rallies and maybe New Jersey imposes a hefty sentence for ruining a perfectly good steak by overcooking it and dousing it in ketchup, we can nickel and dime this fucker to death.
Jesus. Hey, let's take a moment to laugh at bad things happening to garbage people, huh? Just as like, a palate cleanser, between the heaping plates of shit that make up the various courses of our typical news cycle, here in Hell?
Across the pond, Noted Eurotrashpile Nigel Farage, looking to project strength ahead of upcoming elections, cowered in fear of a small number of milkshake-wielding protesters. God, I haven't seen an asshat get so thoroughly cucked by a dairy product since Alex Jones was forced to beg forgiveness from yogurt.
And spare a chuckle for Michael Avenatti, who once dreamed of jousting with the Not-So-Great Pumpkin on the debate stage, but will now have to settle for competing over who accumulates the most federal indictments, and, eventually, who has successfully hoarded the most toilet paper in their prison cell.
Oh, and Squeezably-Soft Telefascist Seb Gorka is always good for a laugh.
Game of Thrones isn't the only show getting spinoffs, as an offshoot of the Mueller investigation yielded the indictment of a Chicago banking executive who tried to bribe Precocious Paul Manafort into hooking him up with a cabinet post. Man, who's this bottom-feeding dork who tried to bribe his way into this crooked cabal, and FAILED? Now you get to go prison, plus the whole world knows you got passed over in favor of pond scum like Ryan Zinke and Scott Pruitt. You're the grifter equivalent of the one guy creepy enough to get socially rejected by an incel message board.
Good news, everyone! We get to fund another multi-billion-dollar bailout of the farmers that keep getting kidney-punched by the Adderall-Addled Assclown's moronic trade war! If we're good all year, maybe Santa will let us pay for another one next year! It's interesting, don'tcha think, that when a hurricane ravages Hispanic communities, Sharty McFly whinges and moans about financing the recovery, but when his rockheaded blunders hurt those he perceives as his base, he gets to reach into every American taxpayer’s pocket to fund the resulting bribe?
And not only do we get to foot the bill for Le Grande Merde's entirely avoidable mistakes, we're also on the hook for his leisure activities, yay! And lucky us, we finally got to see the moment when the grift odometer rolled over to $100 million in golf trip charges, much of which lands right in his greedy little pocket. What Congress should do is offer him $100 million for his Big Dumb Wall on the condition he stays in Washington every weekend for the rest of his term...and watch him reject it.
Surely no one is more thankful for the misguided self-righteousness of Rust Belt third-party voters than murderous autocrat Mohammad Bin Salman Al Saud, who has certainly enjoyed having his very own pet American President these past two years. Not only has Tangerine Idi Amin vetoed a bipartisan bill to end America's support of Saudi Arabia's genocidal war in Yemen, but now he's found a loophole to slither through so he can sell the Saudis even more exciting new weapons to murder children with. Shit, he's probably ordering the Pentagon to develop state of the art journalist-dismembering technology to deliver to his thuggish paymaster.
Oh hey, speaking of dead kids and American-government-sponsored terrorism, the number of migrant children who have died in custody keeps growing. In fairness, the most recent one we've learned of seems to have actually died last fall, they've just been covering it up till now. I bet Stephen Miller leaked it, because it doesn't work as terrorism if nobody knows about it.
There had been an impasse between Congress and the Shart House on a disaster relief bill; President Dumpster Behind a Liposuction Clinic had both objected to $900 million in funding for Puerto Rico, and demanded billions for his Big Stupid Wall. As a compromise, he accepted every bit of the Puerto Rico funding in exchange for exactly zero wall dollars, because as bad as he is at most aspects of his job, it is in the realm of negotiation* where he demonstrates his greatest incompetence.
Over in the House, the bill, which needed unanimous consent to pass, got held up by a single GOP Congresstwerp, some Civil-War-reenactor-looking motherfucker actually named “Chip Roy.” You may recall Cap's 39th Theory of Republicans; the first time you hear one of those interchangeable, mediocre, conservative backbencher's names, it's because he's fucking something up.** Anyhow, sorry, suffering Americans, Chip Roy has unilaterally decided you deserve to go a few more days without your disaster relief.
Given the prompt, “hey, I know that ‘understanding the law’ isn't really your ‘thing,’ but treason is punishable by death, anyway now let's play Fuck/Marry/Execute with the law enforcement community,” Toupee Fiasco, with disturbing nonchalance, rattled off the names of several FBI officials involved in the Russia investigation, as people he would like to have murdered for betraying him. First of all, fuck you for trying to conflate yourself with the state, you bloated old bastard. If America wore golf pants, she'd sure as shit pull ‘em off better than you do. Second, allowing traitors to prosecute those investigating their own treason for treason seems unwise.
Now that Malodorous Cat Neglector Julian Assange is out of the Ecuadorian embassy, the whole world is competing to see who gets to throw him in deepest darkest dungeon forever. While the United States had already announced one slate of perfectly sensible charges, of course the Treasonweasel Administration had to throw an authoritarian assault on press freedoms on the fire, ruining everyone's s'mores by making them fascist. So a spat between two of the most despicable men on Earth has devolved into an existential threat to the first amendment, because that's how shit goes down, here in HELL.
After years of obstructing all the justice he could wrap his tiny, inadequate, hands around, the Marmalade Shartcannon sang a very different tune when it came to his dictatorial plan to investigate his investigators. He's given William Barr All the Power to Declassify Everything Everywhere and Also Just Flat Out Make Shit Up Just Kidding But Not Really Wink Wink. Pretty much everyone in America has been ordered to cooperate with his utterly corrupt misappropriation of the apparatus of power; in fact, YOU, dear reader, have just been ordered by SHARTUS to drop everything and head over to James Comey's house to go through his trash.
Theresa May finally announced her resignation, and if this starts some hip new trend where incompetent, nation-wrecking, buffoons go away forever, I'm all for it. All the cool kids are doing it, Donnie!
Oh, and Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot authorized another 1,500 troops for the Middle East? Some may see this as dangerous escalation, but I think we'll be ok, after all, the President is surrounded by well-informed advisors like Jared Kushner, and totally-non-bloodthirsty maniacs like John Bolton, what could possibly go wrong?
And CNN reports that Strawberry Shartcake's staff doesn't like tagging along with their scrotal tumor boss on international trips, cuz he gets all colicky and shit. Dang, I'm sorry you experience such discomfort while you're FUCKING UP MY COUNTRY. I have some shit you can eat if that helps.
Dear lord, what a mess. I need a drink. And then nine more drinks. Just a heads up, with the long holiday weekend, the usual Monday night blog update will likely be pushed to Tuesday. I hope the holiday brings you joy and relaxation, you deserve it. I personally plan on spending it smuggling contraband DVDs of the Arthur gay wedding episode into Alabama. Do take a moment or two to reflect on all those who gave so much for this beautiful nation, because if we don't pry it back from the mendacious mediocrities currently in power, the ghosts of those brave men and women are gonna haunt the shit out of us forever.
*Dare I say...the “art of the deal?”
**Don't look that up. It was probably the 17th Theory or something the last time I brought it up. I don't have an editor, I spend all my money on beer.
Justin Amash Just Fell Off a Whole Lotta Xmas Card Lists, & Other News From Hell (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, the news cycle continues to unfold like the novel John Grisham might write if he switched to an all morphine-and-ether diet, but we're all trapped here, so we may as well stay informed. Let's do this shit.
(As usual, you can find this post with all the relevant links on Cap's blog site, here: http://showercapblog.com/justin-amash-just-fell-off-a-whole-lotta-xmas-card-lists-other-news-from-hell/)
From the state Republican Party that brought you “Legitimate Rape,” comes an exciting new brand in patriarchal condescension: “Consensual Rape!" Yeah, that novel concept was put forth by a melting-vanilla-ice-cream-cone-lookin’ fucker named Barry Hovis, explaining why he was so giddily legislating away women's reproductive rights. I absolutely shudder to imagine the trilogy-completing phrase that'll dribble down one of these miseducated Missouri misogynyokel's rubbery chins some day soon.
So, Ben Carson did indeed break the law with his little taxpayer-funded furniture spree, surprising no one. Have you noticed that all the headlines have framed the story that way, “Ben Carson broke the law?” There's another way to put that, if you're brave or, y'know...honest; ”Ben Carson is a criminal.” That's what somebody who breaks the law is called. Anyway, whatever you feel like labeling it, rest assured Dr. Ben's criminal behavior will in no way endanger his ongoing employment in the Treasonweasel Cabinet. Shit, he'll probably get a raise.
Redactor General William Barr went on Fux Nooz to chat a bit about how he's reshaping the U.S. Department of Justice into one that serves only those who treat the nuttiest Breitbart comments section shitposters as “reliable news sources,” instead of all Americans, because that's just too much dang work. Maybe we're being too hard on Billy B., who's only acting out of his sincere belief in executive power, which he seems to think should land somewhere in the Infinity Gauntlet range, even when it's wielded by a white supremacist goon whose brain is frequently overmatched by the wily umbrella.
In a page right out of Shart Garfunkel's (presumably ghostwritten) book, Jim Jordan proclaimed himself vindicated by a report that absolutely did not vindicate him. It was probably wishful thinking to imagine his heavily-gerrymandered district would reject him over the sex abuse scandal anyway; I don't imagine one votes for a sneering, subpar, lightweight like Jordon because one is seeking the next Daniel Webster...he hates the same people you hate, and that'll do.
The Republican Party, which practically hired a Cirque du Soleil troop to design a show based around their demand that Democrats return Harvey Weinstein's donations (months after said donations were returned), accepted 400 grand from celebrity sex criminal Steve Wynn. I swear, the one unifying principle of the modern GOP is shittiness. Roy Moore is a pedophile and Steve King is a white supremacist and Greg Gianforte is a violent criminal and Ron Johnson is just a thumb in a wig and Trent Franks is a skeevy-ass pervert and Duncan Hunter is an embezzler and if I chose to, I could keep on writing this sentence for the rest of my motherfucking life.
Perhaps you think I'm being snarky, or unfair. I think my little theory holds up pretty fuckin’ well, when we consider the news that the turd-gargling head of this party apparently wants to abuse his pardon power to let some legitimate monsters off the hook for their WAR CRIMES. Look, letting Dinesh D'Souza strut and crow on the internet is one thing, but we're talking about dudes who slaughtered civilians here. A walking horror who murdered a girl with a sniper rifle, among other, equally abominable crimes. And Government Cheese Goebbels wants to drop his filthy little stunt pardons on Memorial Day, just really rub in his disdain for all the honorable men and women who have served our country.
I confess, I thought it was weird when torturing/terrorizing children became a partisan issue, but now that we're on opposite sides of the “dudes who shoot kids to death should be prosecuted” line, I am more secure than ever in choosing team blue. Looking forward to 2020 platform planks like "Things Still Matter,” “Crime is Still Bad” and “I Didn't Think We Need to Mention This But Don't Hurt Children.”
Looks like Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn got caught sending admiring texts to Dead-Eyed RageGlob Matt Gaetz, while he was supposed to be cooperating with the Mueller investigation. People have said that Flynn's status as an unregistered agent of a foreign power made his appointment as NSA inappropriate and dangerous, and they're right, but we should also talk about the alarm bells that oughta go off when anybody looks at a festering sweat sock like Gaetz and sees “leadership.”
Vice President Mike Pants was delivering a commencement address about “traditional Christian beliefs,” a topic he knows not one fucking thing about, and a few dozen patriotic graduates and faculty members walked out on his lying, theocratic, ass. Good. Unlike Mikey Hairshirt's theatrical walkout at an NFL game a little while back, this protest had the dual benefit of being ethically sincere, and cost-free to U.S. taxpayers.
The Carcinogenic Creamsicle seems to have backed down on a plan, conceived in corners of Stephen Miller's hate-warped skull so dark and vile no spray-on hair could ever hope to mask them, to release detained migrants into sanctuary cities, because using vulnerable refugees as pawns in a game of petty political vindictiveness is the sort of thing that gets discussed when you fill the halls of power with the spitefully mediocre.
And the hate seems to be trickling down to the rank and file, as in the case of Border Patrol Agent Matthew Bowen, who thought it was totally unfair that he had to treat migrants like human beings, and therefore decided to try to kill one with his truck. Bowen is precisely the sort of violent, racist, thug who shouldn't be allowed within a light year of a law enforcement job, so expect him to pardoned and appointed HHS Secretary by Thanksgiving.
Easily the single strangest occurrence of the entire Shart Administration came over the weekend, when an elected Republican official actually stood up for his oft-proclaimed principles, and the rule of law. Yes, Michigan Congressman Justin Amash, having read the Mueller report (reading will be partisan soon, mark my words) simply pointed out the rather obvious truth, that Tangerine Idi Amin has committed impeachable offenses. Still, seeing such uncharacteristic courage and honesty from a congressional Republican was like watching an armadillo strike out Joey Votto on three pitches; totally awesome, but the last fucking thing you were expecting.
And the GOP, which merrily embraced open white supremacist Steve King for more than a decade, has decided Justin is no longer allowed to join in any of their reindeer games. The shunning has been as swift and complete as in any in Hawthorne. Of course there's already a feral primary challenger. At least now we understand the root of the crippling terror that never quite left Jeff Flake's eyes.
The New York Times published a whole article about how Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot swears more than most presidents, and the very last thread of my sanity snapped, like, “Yeah, a bungling dumbass keeps curb-stomping the economy with his misguided trade war while his murder-crazed advisors try to force us into war with Iran and children keep dying in the concentration camps our government runs in our name and pays for with our tax money, but DON-DON SAID A NO-NO WORD STOP THE MOTHERFUCKING PRESSES!”
But I will cut the Gray Lady* a little slack, cuz they also published the article about how anti-money-laundering specialists at Deutsche Bank found some transactions involving the Trumps and Kushners that looked shady as hell, so they told management, who were all, “Money laundering and loaning that Braindead Sherbet Pile funds are literally the two things we’re famous for. Anyway, you're fired.”
The bit about “suspicious transfers between Kushner Companies and Russian individuals during the 2016 campaign” seems like it deserves a wee bit more attention than it's getting, so please print out tonight's blog, circle this paragraph with the most colorful marker you can find, and stick it to the fridge in the break room at work, because maybe the Most Bribable of All Possible Sons-in-Law secretly stuffing his pants full of oligarch rubles is the sort of thing somebody ought to be looking into.
Yacht-Juggling Privilege Demon Betsy DeVos got caught using personal e-mail for official government business, and, having violated the core principal of modern conservatism, will now be crucified on Trey Gowdy's front lawn, because the rules apply to everyone equally. Incidentally, Shower Cap's Blog is sponsored by Pirelli's Miracle Elixir, penny buys a bottle, guaranteed.
The Adderall-Addled Assclown really doesn't want Don McGahn to share all the super-secret, totally-exonerating, details of his cherubic innocence with the House Judiciary Committee, probably because America doesn't deserve to bask in the radiant glow of his purity after laughing at all those SNL sketches. Between this, and Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag's own defiance of a congressional subpoena, I just want to flip forward to the chapter where we find out whether or not the rule of law survives.
And the Velveeta Vulgarian continued his DiMaggioesque losing-in-court streak, as a federal judge denied his (admittedly pathetic) attempt to stop his accounting firm from complying with a congressional subpoena (different one this time). Shithead loses in court all the time, but this one feels special, since it means getting ahold of secrets he's been desperately guarding his whole misbegotten life. Charge me whatever you like, I just want a front-row seat.
House Intel released Michael Cohen's recent testimony publicly, including the Sensei of Sez-Hoo's claim that Jay Sekulow instructed him to lie to Congress in his earlier testimony, and you know, I'm starting to suspect that Donnie Dotard doesn't hire very good lawyers.
Our old chum KKKris KKKobach, hot off a humiliating defeat in the Kansas Governor's race (losing statewide office in Kansas as a Republican is a bit like getting whooped by the Washington Generals) now figures he deserves to be magically transformed into one of the most powerful people in the federal government, with multiple cabinet secretaries at his beck and call, as Hairplug Himmler's “Immigration Czar.” KKKris presented a rather amusing list of demands for a dude who has spent his whole professional life failing, but considering his potential boss, that's probably part of the appeal.
So yeah, this has been what the Poet would call a “Manic Monday.” Everybody who's disappointed in Game of Thrones should sign my petition to replace the showrunners here in Real Life; your script fucking sucks, and you're assholes.
*Fun Fact: Sometimes I call my cat “The New York Times” because she is gray. And a lady. Get it?
From Georgia to Gorka, the GOP was One Fat Stack of Sweaty Assholes This Week (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Yes, Virginia, shit remains completely cray. I have a newfound respect for television news anchors, if only for their ability to project a veneer of calm while running down this shit, day after day. How Anderson Cooper manages to get through a broadcast without cackling like a Schumacher-era Batman villain escapes me.
(You know this by now, but you can find this post, with all those news links you love, on my humble blog site, here: http://showercapblog.com/from-georgia-to-gorka-the-gop-was-one-fat-stack-of-sweaty-assholes-this-week/)
Elizabeth Warren responded to a town hall invite from Fux Nooz with a polite “Thank you, no, however you are welcome to gargle some used cat litter, you racist evil propaganda-belching shitbags,” and everyone at the Disinformation Network That Fucked Up Everything Literally Everything feigned outrage for a bit before getting back to the important work of belching up racist, evil, propaganda.
CNN published some heartbreaking photographs of detained migrant children, sleeping on the fucking ground at a Border Patrol concentration camp, excuse me, “facility” in McAllen, TX. You know, I don't want to pass judgement, but when your fervor for imprisoning little kids grows to the point where it exceeds your ability to provide something as simple as beds for them to sleep in, you might just be a SUBHUMAN FUCKING MONSTER or a MORALLY DEFICIENT SKIDMARK or even a BOIL ON THE ASS OF HUMANITY IN DESPERATE NEED OF LANCING.
Florida Governor/Talking Thumb Ron DeSantis says the Russians successfully hacked voter databases in two Florida counties, but we don't get to know which ones cuz that would be telling. Maybe we can turn this into a fun little contest; everybody writes down which counties they think were hacked, and the winner gets a free trip to a country that actually gives a fuck about election security.
The Failing New York Times says Strawberry Shartcake so far hasn't caved to his bloodthirsty advisors’ desire for war with Iran, but Genocidal John Bolton knows all he needs to do is catch his pliable dipshit boss in the hall one day while he's still fuming about some critical tweet from a black celebrity, and show him a photoshopped picture of an Iranian mullah laughing at that article about him losing a billion dollars in just one decade, and we'll have a fresh new draft to dodge before you can blink.
Tom Cotton, who hasn't been right about one single thing since a fifth grade spelling test, where, frankly, he mostly got lucky, says such a war would be just easy peasy lemon squeezy, and he looks forward to sending two or three generations of your children into the meat grinder to prove it. Dude's a SENATOR. Sleep tight.
Some desperately needed good news, as Tangerine Idi Amin's quest to get the courts to proclaim him Emperor on High to Whom Laws Most Certainly Do Not Apply and Also Whose Fingers Are Totally Normal-Sized is going about as well as his attempts to get Salma Hayek to date him. His lawyers’ “Investigating Nixon was wrong because obviously the most important thing in the Constitution is the part where it says the President can commit all the crimes he likes and all that stuff about congressional oversight is totally a joke, I can't believe you fell for it,” argument doesn't seem to be working, thank God.
And now some of Littlefinger's loser lawyers are facing a House Intelligence Committee investigation of their very own, into their roles in changing Michael Cohen's congressional testimony to make it less true. Looking forward, I kinda wonder which laws Trump's lawyers’ lawyers will wind up breaking.
Unable to solve the people's problems or improve their lives, the Shart Administration increasingly focuses on acts of petty tyranny, such as seeking out skeevy little loopholes to deny U.S. citizenship to foreign-born children of same-sex couples. Imagine choosing to spend your precious time on Earth pursuing such senseless, bitchy, fuckery. “Tee hee! I've found a little technicality I can use to rain shit down on an innocent family! It's cruel, and it doesn't accomplish one useful thing, but hurting strangers is SO MUCH FUN!”
Meanwhile, Hairplug Himmler refused to endorse the "Christchurch Call,” an effort to curtail the spread of bigotry and extremism on social media, because cracking down on radical hatred online could help combat the rising threat of white nationalist terrorism, and that's something he wants more of, not less. Oh, he claimed it was about “free speech,” but we're all grown-ups here.
I see President If a Big Mac Had An Id wants to take money away from Pell Grants, to give it to NASA so they can send a man back to the moon to write "Donald Trump weighs just 243 pounds, Ronny Jackson said so” in the dust. While a lot of Team Turdmaggot's moves seem like the haphazard flailing of puppets made from baboon colons, this one makes sense. Going forward, Trumpism will require a steady stream of rubes to survive, so obviously education is the enemy.
A new substance, thought to be deadliest poison known to mankind, has been distilled from the impotent ragesweat that dripped off Sebastian Gorka's pockmarked jowls when he heard about a gay wedding on the animated Arthur show. It's a crazy goddamn world these days, but I hope we can all take a moment to smile at ChubNazi losing a culture war to a cartoon.
So, the Braindead Fuckwad Administration has used their Hey Sorry We Blew Up the Agricultural Economy But the Boss is Too Dumb to Understand Trade farm bailout to funnel 62 million of our taxpayer dollars to a couple of criminal Brazilian meatpacking barons. No justification whatsoever, just “Here, foreign crooks, have a bunch of money,” while the tariffs wreak havoc on American families, and this shit isn't even front page news. There's no punchline in this paragraph, because the joke is on us.
On the heels of Georgia's horrific abortion law, Alabama said, “Hold My Glass of Water With a Little Grass in it For Flavor Because We're One of the Poorest States in the Country So We Can't Afford Beer But We're Not Doing Anything About THAT We're Too Busy Making Women Less Than Fully Human, Legally,” and passed an even MORE restrictive ban.
Not to be outdone, the sniveling Republican cowards in the Missouri Senate snuck their own If You Really Need an Excuse Let's Call it Fetal Heartbeat I Guess bill through in the middle of the night. Check your cabinets and under your bed, folks, there's probably a GOP state legislature passing a hellishly restrictive abortion ban while you're not looking.
And the Senate GOP, including allegedly pro-choice Lisa Murkowski, decided to make Froth-Mouthed Conspiracy Geyser Wendy Vitter, who thinks birth control and abortion cause cancer, and is basically “meh” on Brown v. Board of Education, a federal judge for life. They have to run out of these lunatics at some point, right? Maybe Michele Bachmann can host some sort of demented reality show where they probe the comments sections of Breitbart and InfoWars to find the biggest maniac in all of Cult45, and Mitch McConnell installs the winner on the D.C. Circuit.
...but don't call it a War on Women, right?
Hey, if anybody out there is facing a prison sentence they'd rather not serve, good news! There's a simple two-step process to make all your troubles disappear like Donald Trump's checkbook at a charity fundraiser!
Find the President's ass.
Kiss it. Really kiss that ass. A little tongue certainly wouldn’t hurt.
Don't believe me? Sure worked for Conrad Black. He wrote a whole book, chock-full of glute-smoochin', and he just joined the ranks of the unjustly pardoned! (By the way, if you gathered every crotchrash Weehands McNodick has pardoned so far, you'd have history's shittiest cocktail party, wouldn't you?)
And the Ostomy Bag with the Dead Tabby on Top announced a big, stupid, immigration “plan” that won't go anywhere because he's a loser who sucks at his job. One bit I particularly enjoyed was the call for a “civics test” for legal immigrants. Sure, Don. Let's make ‘em touch their toes, explain how tariffs work, and tie a necktie to an appropriate length, as long we're imposing standards you can't meet.
The Pentagon finally dusted off the ol’ podium in the DoD briefing room for the first on-camera press briefing in nearly a year...hang on, nope, it was just Gene Simmons, false alarm.
According to Ukraine's prosecutor general, Rudy Giuliani's allegations against Diamond Joe Biden and Son are nothing but a cousin-fucking lie, which means we certainly won't hear any more about this baseless right-wing smear job, just like Benghazi and Seth Rich and Pizzagate and Operation: Jade Helm.
Also, the Velveeta Vulgarian released a financial disclosure form, revealing that the business of selling access to himself at Marm-a-Lago and setting up a giant bribe jar in the form of his D.C. hotel is awfully profitable, and so dang easy that even he can't fuck it up, unlike literally every other business he's run in his life.
And who should pop back up on our radar today but Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn! Seems Mikey did an awful lot of singing to the Mueller investigation about Poosquirt & Co.'s repeated attempts to obstruct all that pesky justice, including handing over a recording of some jagoff "connected to the administration or Congress” trying to get him to clam up after he entered into his plea deal, and if that turns out to be Devin Nunes, I will throw a party so long, loud, and raucous, Andrew W.K. will knock on my door to request that I please turn it down, he is trying to sleep.
Hey, if you really feel like cringing, read this late-breaking WaPo story, about Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops' dorky micromanagement of the Big Dumb Wall That Will Never Get Built. He's like a sadistic child playing with blocks, it's about half an inch from “sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads,” that magical combination of hateful and humiliatingly idiotic that just screams...”Donald Trump.”
I dunno, maybe this is the night. Keep an eye on Anderson Cooper...I bet it starts with a barely-perceptible twitch in the corner of his eye, but by the time he gets to Flynn, he'll be peeling his skin off.
The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor's Tedious Tariff Tantrum (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Hey, be careful out there, Resisters. 2019 just killed Doris Day, it's trying to kill Jimmy Carter, and heaven knows who's next. What I'm saying is, strap on a helmet and some galoshes, and break out the rubber umbrella, because the shitstorm shows no signs of abating any time soon.
(As always, you can find this post, with helpful gnus links, at: http://showercapblog.com/the-tangelo-tinted-taint-tumors-tedious-tariff-tantrum/)
Rudy Giuliani, perhaps feeling fidgety in the absence of any nearby cousins to copulate with, concocted a scheme worthy of a Pauly Shore movie, packing his bags to head to Ukraine, to get the incoming government there to help him ratfuck Joe Biden and maybe stage a wet t-shirt contest or something. In the end, he cancelled, because maybe the front page of the New York Times isn't the ideal setting for Foreign Collusion 2: Treason Boogaloo.
Rudy's basically the senile old man, shuffling around the antique mall, trying to pay for an old Pete Rose baseball card with the wad of used toothpicks that's accumulated in his coat pocket, only the antique mall is the global diplomatic community, the Pete Rose card is dirt on Trump's opponents, and the toothpicks are...probably still toothpicks, actually.
And of course Hairplug Himmler himself can hardly wait to order his personal manservent, excuse me, “the Attorney General of the United States, William Barr,” to open criminal investigations into Diamond Joe, cuz what's the point of incumbency if you can't transform your country's law enforcement apparatus into a corrupt secret police force to oppress and terrorize your political opponents, amirite? AMIRITE? (Pause for laughter and/or weeping)
A natural consequence of building your political movement around anti-intellectualism is that, well, you push all the smart people away. That's how 21st century conservatism wound up counting a mediocre troll-child like Ben Shapiro as a “thought leader.” “Wow, you can spew misinformation and hatred without gobs of chewing tobacco dribbling out of your mouth? In complete sentences n’ everything? HERE HAVE A TV SHOW AND A WEBSITE AND A STATUE ON RUSH LIMBAUGH'S LAWN."
But Ben, who spends his days screeching DEBATE ME at every squirrel that skitters past his window, after the gentlest of pushback from British journalist Andrew Neil, melted down like a thin-skinned right-wing hack who was suddenly unmasked as an ordinary jackass hiding a subpar intellect behind malicious snark. Am I doing this metaphor thing right?
Mike Pence, whose life in politics has consisted entirely of seizing power in order to wield it against vulnerable populations he finds icky and/or inferior, during a graduation speech at a fundamentalist indoctrination camp, whinged about being ridiculed and shunned for being a Christian. This strikes me as odd, cuz Mikey Hairshirt is a great many things (a creep, a traitor, the Roman God of Middling White Dudes Failing Upwards), but “Christian” is certainly not one of them. What you are, Mr. Vice President, is a bigot who finds the veneer of religion convenient, because it absolves you of any responsibility for critical thinking or basic human compassion.
The Skeevy Little John Birch Kidz over at Turning Point USA just keep on having difficulties navigating that fine line between being a Wink Wink Hate Group and a Let's-Burn-Some-Crosses Hate Group. They just had to kick a little white supremacist jagoff out for saying the quiet part (really) loud, gleefully going a racist rant on social media for all the world to see. Rather than taking steps to avoid attracting Junior Nazis in the future, expect TPU to implement rigorous plausible deniability training going forward, in search of the perfectly-pitched dog whistle.
Ahead of a (since-cancelled, apparently) trip to Moscow, Secretary of Stooge Mike Pompeo scrubbed a statement from his department's website pertaining to the recent conviction of a number of Russians involved in a coup attempt in Montenegro, because we wouldn't want to upset Daddy Vlad, now would we? I swear, watching our great nation's top diplomat get so thoroughly cucked by a fading, fifth-rate, power is like watching Andre the Giant take orders from an uncharacteristically belligerent Jiminy Cricket.
Oh, and I guess Pompeo diverted to Brussels to try and stir up a little bloodlust for the Iran war thirsted after so desperately by the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached To John Bolton's upper lip, so that'll be a fun thing to keep our eyes on for the next few weeks. What's the age range for the draft, again?
Strike another name off the Shart House Xmas Card list (we're down to just Hannity and Ivanka by now), as Don McGahn has been excommunicated for refusing to issue a statement supporting the laughable and rather-thoroughly-debunked bullshit spin that Weehands McNodick didn't obstruct justice. I'm always fascinated to learn the precise location of the line these pathetic enablers finally draw in the sand. Like, remember when Gary Cohn shrugged his way through his boss praising white nationalists, but By God Sir, I Shall Not Abide These Tariffs?
Somehow the whole Sharknado of Bumbling Atrocity we've been struggling to survive these past three years came into perfect focus for me, with the story of Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet cheating to beat a little kid at golf. That story should be tacked onto his name whenever it comes up, for the rest of recorded time. “President Trump, who cheated to beat a little kid at golf, signed a bill raising the debt ceiling today...” “Donald Trump, who was unable to out-golf a small child without cheating, reported to prison this morning...” The title of his biography should be "The President Who Wasn't Man Enough to Play Fair When Golfing Against a Wee Little Boy."
Hey, quick PRO TIP: If you're a journalist who published an article about “President Crotchrot's sassy new nickname for Candidate X,” you're failing at journalism. And life. And no, I'm not linking that shite.
Acting Defense Secretary Patrick Shanahan can't wait to piss away more of our tax dollars deploying military personnel at the border as part of Operation: Manbaby Ego Fluff, in case you're wondering how that unqualified hack won his campaign to drop the “acting” from his title. Yeah, looking at Sharty McFly's cabinet now, gone are the garish clowns of the first generation, replaced by blandly efficient sycophants, whose very drabness is designed to lull us into a sense of false normalcy while they quietly dismantle the country away from the headlines.
Some may fault the Sunny D-Bag for his lack of attention to problems such as the opioid crisis, but look, beyond the golfing and rage-tweeting at the magical teevee box six hours a day, he's also personally taken charge of the D.C. Independence Day celebration, transforming the traditionally non-partisan event into the birthday party his Klansman dad never threw for him, thus inflicting the emotional scars the entire world is paying for today. So GET IN LINE, declining-Rust-Belt-communities-struggling-to-fight-off-mass-addiction! Your President will attend to you after finalizing plans for the four-story-tall butter sculpture of himself!
Hey, remember that crowdfunding effort to build Donnie Dotard's Big Dumb Wall with private donations? The one run by the known con man? The one anybody with six ounces of mashed cauliflower between their ears could see was a scam? Well it turns out...it was a scam! And the KNOWN CON MAN behind it has been living large on Cult45's money, even buying himself a yacht, look out, Betsy DeVos! Who could've seen this coming except everyone?
The true miracle of the right-wing media bubble is how even after grift after grift after grift, somehow the marks never wise up. Like, have you seen even one gun-humping mouth-breather denounce the NRA for funneling their donations straight to Wayne LaPierre's shopping sprees? No, they just amble over to the next booth, checkbook lovingly extended for the next enterprising scammer to effortlessly harvest.
But the big story is once again the Manchurian Manchild's Idiot Trade War, which is tanking the stock market, threatening thousands of jobs, and risking billions of dollars, all because the President of the United States is too stupid to understand how trade deficits work, and the founders, in their wisdom, declined to impose a literacy test on the office.
Even Larry Cudbrain, excuse me, “Kudlow,” had to admit, when pressed, that the burden of tariffs is borne by American businesses and consumers, probably because he couldn't handle the humiliation of the economist version of an English teacher going on television to say "What's the big deal about their, there, and they're, anyway?”
So Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot raised a bunch of new tariffs, and the Chinese retaliated, and there are few million folks trapped in the middle, scrambling to replace their washing machines before the price hits ten thousand bucks.
And Tom Cotton helpfully told all the American farmers suffering under the self-inflicted wounds of this completely useless dumbfuck trade war, “hey, you're better off than soldiers in war zones so QUIT YER BITCHING, YOU FILTHY TAKERS!” before shambling away to drown some puppies on his lunch break.
This is new Republican platform isn't it? “Any standard of living higher than sleeping in a trench while you're pelted with RPGs and mustard gas is a MOTHERFUCKING GIFT bestowed upon you by the Kochs and Mercers, in their benevolence, and you don't even deserve that much, so shut your ungrateful fucking mouths, serfs!”
Oh, plus, with the tariffs swinging a giant cartoon wrecking ball right into the very nutsack of our agricultural economy, Shart Garfunkel is now begging for $15 billion in new farm bailouts, on top of the $12 billion he got last time. This funding will come from reversing some of his over-generous tax cuts on the Republican donor claHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH just kidding, YOU get to pay for it, pleb!
Hey look, the President of the United States is trying to get a Muslim Congresswoman killed by dishonestly distorting her words! Again! Or maybe I'm not being fair, maybe he's just seizing an opportunity to stoke anti-Muslim bigotry in general, and if somebody gets killed, whatever. It's less than ideal, having a President who's better at stochastic terrorism than economic stewardship, in my humble opinion.
Why Cap, are you calling into question the sincerity of Dorito Mussolini’s defense of the Jewish people? How dare you! It's not like he sent out his bullshit tweet only to turn around and immediately shower an anti-semitic European autocrat with praise!
...oh wait.
No other American President would've given Viktor Orbán the legitimacy of a White House visit, let alone administered such a vigorous handjob for the cameras, but to be fair, platforming oppressive, anti-Democratic, dictators is one of the only things Fat Q*Bert does well. Look, we had a candidate who actually believed in American principles, but she had a private e-mail server, and we made our choice.
And we learned that Kirstjen Nielsen, despite her Kiddie Koncentration Kamps and campaign of terrorism against migrants, was somehow still not evil enough for Government Cheese Goebbels and his Demon Tapeworm sidekick, Stephen Miller, because she pushed back on a truly horrific plan to stage nationwide mass-arrests of undocumented immigrant families. Fuck, who's he gonna pick to replace her at DHS? Negan? A monkey with Hitler's brain? Kris Kobach?
That last story snuck up on me while I was writing, and...my God, we can't take our eyes off these shitbags for a minute, can we? If you've eased up on your resistance since we flipped the House, my friend...we need you back in the fight.
Look, When You Elect a Billion-Dollar Loser, Things're Gonna Get a Little Wacky (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Hey campers, happy two-year anniversary to the Comey firing! That was nuts, wasn't it? I didn't think it was even possible for shit to get any crazier than that. But look at where we are today; the plague is back. THE PLAGUE. The plague is back because people are eating uncooked marmot. Shit can always get crazier, is what I’m saying.
(As always, this post is available, with magical news links, on Cap's blog site: http://showercapblog.com/look-when-you-elect-a-billion-dollar-loser-thingsre-gonna-get-a-little-wacky/)
Illegitimate Georgia Governor Brian Kemp gleefully signed a new Republican abortion ban into law. The bill is...draconian, and while “draconian” is an awesome word that I'm usually delighted to use, HOLY FUCK this is horrifying shit. Obviously, it criminalizes abortion before many women even know they're pregnant, but for extra patriarchy pointz, women can also be sentenced to decades in prison just for miscarrying! You can even go to jail if you get a legal abortion in another state! It's now illegal in Georgia to write or speak any sentence that uses all the letters in the word “abortion.” You can be flogged just for reading this paragraph.
As bad as the Georgia bill is, the theocrats next door in Alabama (those righteous “Christians” who keep on voting for serial child molester Roy Moore) are so eager to pass their own Women Are Almost People But Not Really Act that they're trampling over their own rules to get it done. Everybody wants to be the lucky legislature that passes the bill that finally gives Brett Kavanaugh the chance to cast the deciding vote striking down Roe v. Wade, while Susan Collins feigns shock and expresses mild disappointment.
Mitch McConnell declared “case closed” in the Russia investigation, which may have made him feel life a Big Tuff Boy, but since his trolly little speech didn't unflip any of 40 House seats his party lost in their historic midterm sparking, it had precisely zero impact on the openness of said Russia investigation, so knock yourself out, Turtle Boy. Wrinkly Gamera has also started selling Cocaine Mitch t-shirts in his campaign store, targeted a hopefully-imaginary audience of hipster conservatives who are really into court-packing and Vampire Weekend.
Anyway, SUPER funny joke from a guy representing a state with one of the nation's highest rates of drug overdose deaths, Mitch!
Tangerine Idi Amin pardoned a war criminal, because he likes doing repulsive things, but Sarah Slanders tells him he'll lose points with the base if they see him kicking puppies. In the end, Trumpism is mostly about shittiness; excusing it, ignoring it, praising it, elevating it. Gone are the days of “ask not what your country can do for you” in this era of "let's find out just how much we can get away with.”
Scandal in Shartopia as onetime SCROTUS ally David Bossie got caught running a con on Cult45 without tithing to Grand Wizard Grifter himself. Nobody milks the rubes but the Donald, David! Isn't there some sort of Swindler Guild, where an aged, bloated, carbuncled, Elder Conman God can settle such disputes, ideally by throwing the combatants into a pit to sort out their differences with a hammer or two?
And it seems our old pal Michael Cohen performed a little freelance fixing for Jerry Falwell, Jr., helping him bury some naughty, dirty, not-safe-for-phony-megachurch, photographs, which probably doesn't have anything to do with Jerry abandoning every single word of the Bible to endorse a pussy-grabbing dirtbag who steals from charity, wink wink. Look, it's not my business if Jerry wants to suck chocolate-covered hamster corpses out of his wife's butthole or melt candles that smell like his mother's perfume onto his scrotum or dress up like Pontius Pilate and “wash” his hands with bull semen before intercourse, but God, if those photos ever leaked, I'd laugh for days.
Jacob Wohl, alongside his somehow equally-doltish partner (is there some sort of LinkedIn for the ambitious and inept?) not only called a press conference to shill his already-debunked hit on Pete Buttigieg, he tried to stage a fake protest nearby, in a sad effort to present himself as someone serious enough to merit opposition, which he most certainly is not. Y'know, some days, young Jacob's endless appetite for personal humiliation is the only thing that gets me through.
Dana Milbank had his press pass revoked, in the latest act of bitchy authoritarianism from our thin-skinned overlords. What they really want to do is replace the James S. Brady Press Briefing Room with a satellite studio for the Sean Hannity Show. And if we don't push back, they just might do it.
The ever-tantalizing Dance of Oversight and Obstruction (by George R.R. Martin) continues, with Congressional Democrats fulfilling their constitutional responsibility to sniff out fuckery in the executive branch, while the Shart House frantically tries to stuff all relevant documents, and probably Don McGahn, under the bed.
I honestly can't keep track of all the arcane procedural maneuvers as the two sides snipe at one another. It feels sort of like a bureaucratic version of Magic: The Gathering, doesn't it?
“I cast Subpoena!”
“Oh yeah, well I counter, claiming Executive Privilege!”
“That card isn't legal here! Anyway I hold you in Contempt, and I cast Withhold Salary, too!”
“You don't have enough mana for that!"
"Cap, nobody will get these Magic: The Gathering jokes!"
“I don't care, it's my blog! And quit breaking the fourth wall!”
Now, it in no way offsets the mountains of unnecessary human suffering he's responsible for, but Great Caesar's Ghost, that story in the Failing New York Times, revealing the extent of Donnie Dotard's historically massive business failings? Balm for our weary souls, was it not?
Let's pick out a few choice details to relish, shall we? To deeply inhale? To rub all over our bodies? 1.2 BILLION dollars, vaporized by this cud-brained goon in just one short decade! More pure, unfiltered, failure than any taxpayer in America! Like setting 320 grand on fire, every single day, for ten years! My personal favorite goes a little something like, “his losses were so big that in 1991 they accounted for fully 1% of all business losses declared that year by individual American taxpayers.”
Unnnnnnnnnnnnngh that's good stuff.
For a pathetic, fearful, narcissist like Weehands McNodick, this is quite literally his worst nightmare. Millions of people, all around the world, laughing in unison as the one secret he's so desperately guarded his entire life spreads across every television set on Earth. From Times Square to the most secluded corners of the planet, scarcely touched by civilization, all of humankind knows what a pathetic loser you are, you pathetic loser, you.
Florida Congressjag Matt Gaetz, who sprang, fully formed, from one of the President’s stool samples, faces an investigation from the Florida bar for potential witness tampering, on account of that one time when he committed witness tampering on his motherfucking Twitter account in front of the whole motherfucking world. And we can all laugh at Matty's flailing incompetence, but understand he's building himself a biography with an eye on inheriting the Turd Emperor's mantle someday. “Ooooo...stupid, hateful AND a criminal history? Let me get my checkbook!”
ANOTHER young man died stopping ANOTHER would-be mass-murderer in ANOTHER school shooting, but don't worry, the Republican Party still values gun manufacturers’ profits over our lives, even when we're right on the brink of needing a dedicated Condolences For Your Child Sacrificing Their Life to Save Their Classmates section in the Hallmark aisle of every grocery store in America.
Seth Meyers held Meghan McCain accountable for some of the horrible, dishonest, shit she's said about Representative Ilhan Omar, and YOU DO NOT DO THAT TO WHITE GIRLS FROM RICH, POWERFUL, FAMILIES, SETH! Her husband, an odious propagandist, responded by attacking Meyers with a lil’ homophobic hate speech that would feel right at home in a Klan newsletter, which will in no way interfere with Meghan's livelihood, portraying a compassionate, moderate, anti-Trump Republican on the magic teevee box.
Treasonweasel, Jr.'s unearned victory lap got interrupted by a surprise subpoena from the Senate Intelligence Committee, and he was caught so off guard, he snorted half his marshmallow fluff sandwich right out of his nose and into that ridiculous little “beard." Now, Junior has lied to Congress, which is a crime, but most Senate Republicans are furious with Intel Chairman Richard Burr for issuing the subpoena, because the institutional GOP has been reduced to little more than a pro bono law firm for the Trump Syndicate. Imagine working your whole life to get to the U.S. Senate, only to spend your time and energy keeping a spoiled rich boy out of jail, like some small-town traffic cop on the take.
The kid's making noises about defying the subpoena, which means we might get to see the little crotchfungus get arrested, but I honestly don't think I've been a good enough little Cap this year to deserve such bounty. He'll probably turn up in the end, with a pre-signed pardon pinned to his shirt, plead the fifth for a couple of hours, and run away.
Rumor has it the Velveeta Vulgarian is angry with John Bolton for not making all of Venezuela's problems disappear in week. Fuck, Don, you're the one who looked at that bloodthirsty maniac, with a resume that reads like a nine-volume Funk & Wagnalls Encyclopedia of Failure, and said, “Somebody put this guy in charge of national security!” Oh and by the way, you couldn't find Venezuela on a map...of Venezuela.
One of the weird things about the Trump Administration is that they hate losing in court, even though it's the one thing they do best. It's like if LeBron James hated playing basketball, or if Bill Mitchell hated being an obsequious nincompoop. Anyway, now Mike Pants is trying to get the Supreme Court to reduce the powers of the federal judiciary to, um, interpret and enforce the law, which is sort of what the judiciary is for. Now, this seems ridiculous on its face, but here in Hell, we certainly can't count on the feral conservative SCOTUS majority to actually stand up for the Constitution. So, who do you figure is the swing vote on fascism issues? Roberts? HAHAHAHAHAH (weeps).
At a Klan rally campaign event in Florida, one of the frothier deplorables had so much economic anxiety that he shouted about how much he would like to shoot immigrants to death, with a gun, or perhaps several guns, and everyone in the room, including the President of the United States, agreed that this was a good and amusing thing to say. I wonder, is it stranger that this tar-souled tick of a man couldn't muster the decency to say something as simple as “no, no, murder is bad and you should not kill people,” or that literally no one expected him to?
So, Just the White Guys on the Boston Red Sox went to visit the Shart House today. Or the “World Cup Series Champion” Boston “Red Socks,” as the Administration That Fails at the Simplest Imaginable Tasks put it.
All this shit just makes you proud to be a Democrat, doesn't it? Me, I never thought I'd feel pride simply for believing in science, but now I'm practically strutting just cuz I don't think vaccines are “sorcery,” like that one random doorknob who apparently got himself ELECTED TO THE TEXAS STATE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES. Y'know, I'm used to Republicans behaving like it's 1952, but now they seem to be shooting for 1452. Perhaps Roy Moore's next campaign will revolve around denunciation of heathen technology like fire, and the wheel.*
Well, Iran is threatening to return to enriching their uranium stockpile, just the latest problem President Discarded Liposuction Fat has managed to un-solve and recreate. The Trump Doctrine is basically a measles outbreak in diplomatic form.
And with trade negotiations with China unraveling due to his petulant incompetence, the Shart of the Deal decided to crotch-punt the global economy with a huge new wave of tariffs, which, one more time for slow kid behind the Resolute Desk, are paid by American businesses and consumers, not the Chinese. Historically, few scholars have ever posited that vindictiveness and stupidity are components of effective leadership, but at least now we know for sure.
Patrick Shanahan, who was previously not qualified to be Acting Secretary of Defense has been promoted to not qualified to be Regular Ol’ Secretary of Defense. Pat seems like a garden-variety Republican hack rather than a dangerously stupid saboteur like Betsy DeVos or Scott Pruitt, but then, the last guy I said that about turned out to be William Barr, so maybe don't turn to the drunk in the superhero mask for authoritative analysis.
I know I'm leaving some stuff out tonight, but holy fuck, wasn't this enough? I don't have the strength to cover the batshit impromptu Q&A from this morning, but feel free to watch it yourself, using the following Mad Libs format to create your own jokes:
“President Crotchrot lied about __________ because he is afraid of ______________.”
...you'll be surprised how often that works.
Anyhow, take care of yourselves, Resisters! Don't eat any plague marmot!
*Also, naturally, lowering the age of consent.
Just Another Manic Monday...er, "Constitutional Crisis" (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Ho hum, just another day in the never-ending struggle between the forces of good and evil. Here in the real world we don't have shiny costumes or dragons...actually, it's mostly very old white people in boring suits mumbling and writing letters to one another, but the stakes are distressingly similar.
(As always, the post makes a wee bit more sense with links, over at the ol’ blog site: http://showercapblog.com/just-another-manic-monday-er-constitutional-crisis/)
So, the President of the United States of America misspelled “Kentucky” and blamed the controversial ending of a horse race on “political correctness.” When you observe this sort of behavior in a family member, you start having those difficult discussions about when it's time to take granddad's driver's license away, right? I just hope somebody has replaced the actual, real, nuclear football with stuffed bunny, is all.
Kim Jong-un, perhaps looking to celebrate the platform on the world stage the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits gifted him in exchange for Not One Damn Thing, fired some new short-range missiles into the Sea of Japan. President Crotchvoid responded by praising the murderous autocrat, asking him if he'd like a back rub, or maybe another American tourist or two to torture to death. STRENGTH!
Unsatisfied with the jackhammer nut punch he's already administering to midwestern farmers, and enraged that American consumers can still afford washing machines, the Manchurian Manchild threatened to dramatically increase tariffs on China ahead of a major trade negotiation, because he has confused belligerent bloviating with toughness, and believes everyone else is as stupid and infantile as he is.
Anyhow, stock markets dropped as the world once again wondered if this doddering, misinformed, nincompoop was really just about to blow up the global economy over his very fundamental misunderstanding of how trade works. In hindsight, it's kinda funny that the founding fathers believed that in imposing a 35-year age minimum on the office, they'd successfully screened out potential presidents with sub-grade-school intellects. Not really ha-ha funny, but oh-hey-the-planet-of-the-apes-was-Earth-all-along funny.
I'm pitching a project tentatively titled Chicken Soup for the Resister's Soul, and really all it is is a collection of videos of Ambulant Trashpile Laura Loomer melting down over her ongoing de-platforming. Sorry your dream of getting rich spreading the vilest imaginable hatred fell apart, kid....but then, I never got to play shortstop for the Cubs either. C’est la vie.
Florida Republicans moved a step closer to implementing their 21st century poll tax, as the GOP continues its steady regression into a Jim Crow cover band, playing all the biggest segregationist hits on the state-fairs-and-casinos circuit. We're about six months away from Louie Gohmert reintroducing the Fugitive Slave Act on the House floor, I figure.
Kellyanne Conway is violating the Hatch Act again, and against the backdrop of so many existential threats to the American experiment, I think that's frankly adorable. “Awwww...who would have lost her job months ago in any law-abiding administration? YOU would! YOU would! WHO'S A GOOD LITTLE PROPAGANDA MINISTRESS?”
Just a few short weeks after proclaiming total victory and vindication, Strawberry Shartcake has changed course, now insisting that Rugged Robert Mueller shouldn't testify before Congress after all, probably cuz Democrats don't deserve to see how completely exonerated he is. Eventually, we’ll have no choice but to enlist the talents of Nicolas Cage, in another globe-trotting Da Vinci Code knockoff, to reveal the secrets of Littlefinger’s exoneration, but for now, they must remain tantalizingly hidden.
One super fun thing we're doing these days is wondering if Hairplug Himmler will actually acknowledge the electoral spanking he's headed for in 2020, or if he'll barricade himself in the Oval Office with a year's supply of Oatmeal Creme Pies and his daughter's prom photos to jerk off to, because he's not quite willing to give up that sweet charging-the-Secret-Service-to-pee grift just yet and also because the Presidency is the only thing keeping him out of jail.
And now we find the Marmalade Shartcannon retweeting Noted Evangelifraud Jerry Falwell, Jr.'s suggestion that he should get two extra years tacked onto his term as “reparations” for the Russia investigation, like a spoiled rich kid flipping the Monopoly board over right after he lands on the property you've been filling with hotels for the last hour. Ventnor Avenue, probably. Affordable, but you can really fuck somebody up good with that one if you play it right. Nobody ever lands on Boardwalk anyway. You don't see Ventnor Avenue coming, is all I'm saying.
Anyway, this talk of getting a do-over extension is either majestically pathetic or the most terrifying thing any president has ever proposed, and I guess we won't know which until 2021 when we'll be able to gauge it by whether or not we're in a civil war, NEAT.
The Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Upper Lip isn't getting any younger, you know. And while most dudes’ midlife crises take the form of chasing younger women or buying motorcycles, most dudes aren't bloodthirsty, racist, war-hawks with the ear of a bloodthirsty, racist, idiot president. And so we have dispatched an aircraft carrier strike group and a bomber task force and a traveling jug band to the Middle East, because John-John just wants to rain death on little brown children one last time while he's still young enough to enjoy it.
The Fascist Farthuffer's Former Fixer, Michael Cohen, reported to rich white guy prison today, making one last feeble play to recast himself as some sort of resistance hero on the way out. Look, bro, thanks for all the evidence, and please keep a bunk warm for your unindicted co-conspirator, but you're never gonna be Mayor of New York.
Redactor General William Barr wiped his ass with a subpoena ordering him to turn over the full Mueller report to Congress, so Jerry Nadler and the Judiciary Committee have a vote scheduled for Wednesday to hold Billy in contempt. Ranking Republican member Doug Collins calls Democrats' demands “perverse,” which is an odd way to describe the entirely understandable drive to learn as much as possible about an attack on the United States by a hostile foreign power, but I suppose if you're hellbent on protecting the Trump Cartel at any cost, genuine patriotism must seem obscene.
Isn't it thrilling, watching our constitutional crisis play out in slow motion, according to parliamentary rules, in correspondence composed in the strictest legalese? I think the next step should be an formal ball, where congressional Democrats and stonewalling administration officials trade subtext-heavy barbs while performing an elaborate group chamber dance. Tom Stoppard should script.
Hey, you're never gonna believe this, but Ollie North's replacement at the NRA is a wee bit racist. Yes, Carolyn Meadows thinks nobody in the Georgia 6th voted for gun control activist Lucy McBath because she’s a gun control activist, but rather because she took advantage of that greatest of all possible political advantages: being a black woman in a southern congressional district with a lengthy history of selecting the shittiest imaginable white people, from Noot Gingrich to Tom Price to Karen Handel. It's a real fuckin’ meritocracy over there at the Death Merchant Lobbyist Welfare House.
Anyway, racism is otherwise completely dead in Georgia, as you can plainly see here.
A small army (much larger than Weehands McNodick's inauguration crowd, I'm told) of former federal prosecutors signed a great big Hallmark card which says “Congratulations on being president, cuz that's the only reason your justice-obstructing ass isn't being prosecuted all up down Pennsylvania Avenue right now.” And yeah, SPOILERS, he's not leaving office peacefully or quietly. Y'know, there's a scenario where there are so many different law enforcement officers from different jurisdictions bickering over who gets to take him into custody the very moment his successor finishes the oath of office, that he slithers away in the confusion.
And now I see Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag has decided to tell Congress “no you may not see the President's tax returns, they contain evidence of far too many crimes, we'll take our chances at that one place where we hired more than a quarter of the staff, whaddya call it...oh yeah, the Supreme Court.” The Game of Thrones crew could learn a little something about cliffhangers from real life, don'tcha think? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO SEE IF THE RULE OF LAW IS STILL A THING!
I mean, I'm not enjoying the writing or the performances, but I'm absolutely going to watch, if only to see whether or not my country survives. I hope after this next season, the show gets cancelled, though. And replaced with something nice and dull. Low stakes. “Oh, Tom Daschle didn't pay all his taxes? How SCANDALOUS!” That kinda thing.
“Short” one tonight, trying to get back on schedule after a Friday post. Anyway, there's probably more. I just don't care about the golf thing, or the fashion thing, and I REALLY don't the baby thing, but no judgment to those who do. Ok, maybe a little judgment.
Snitty Snitty Bang Bang, and Other News From This Week in Hell (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Hey there Shower Captives, I'm a day late this week, for which I apologize. Look, when the news achieves “Alleged Russian spy beluga defects to Norway for nose scratches” levels of madness, sometimes you need to take a step back and drink yourself into a stupor.
Before we get to the jokes n’ stuff...I've been thinking a lot about Riley Howell this week. People are, rightly, calling Riley a hero, because he died saving others in the latest school shooting. (I'm talking about the one at UNC Charlotte. Odds are good it won't be the “latest” by the time your read this, of course.) In this case, the thing that stopped the bad guy with a gun was a good guy with his life. Just 21 years old. I think about what a guy with a soul that big could've done with his life, if it hadn't been stolen by the latest in a series of overarmed fuckheads...we're all cheated by this violence. The NRA seems hellbent on destroying itself these days...in Riley Howell's honor, I say we help ‘em along.
Anyway. (As usual, this post is a little better with all the links, which you can get on my humble blog site, here: http://showercapblog.com/snitty-snitty-bang-bang-and-other-news-from-this-week-in-hell/)
The entire Swiss Family Robinshart is suing Deutsche Bank, to keep them from complying with congressional subpoenas for their financial records. Should the lawsuits fail, the backup plan is to dispatch Eric to Frankfurt, to thwart compliance by wrapping his arms around the ankles of the DB employee tasked with gathering the documents in question. Still, financial and legal experts believe this undertaking is well beyond Eric's mental capacity.
President Gas Station Urinal Cake is testing a bold new 2020 campaign slogan: "Fuck Firefighters.” Yes, with the International Association of Fire Fighters endorsing Joe Biden, Littlefinger suddenly saw electoral gold in seizing the “shitting on first responders” vote once and for all. “Tell Mulvaney we're adding EMTs to the Muslim ban!,” seems like the next logical step
In his ongoing quest to preserve America for the white and mediocre, Tangerine Idi Amin issued a memo ordering the addition of new obstacles to the asylum-seeking process, including fees (because of course the demented shitweasel who steals from charity wants to extort vulnerable people fleeing violence), and an elaborate series of tests culminating in a chasm that must be crossed, via tightrope, on a unicycle, while juggling flaming badgers...unless you're white, in which case you're waved through the gate and given a complimentary bottle of Trump Vodka for your trouble.
Against the advice of nearly every living thing with a brain and most furniture, Baron Golfin von Fatfuk now wants to officially designate the Muslim Brotherhood as a foreign terrorist organization, as a little favor to his authoritarian dictator bud, Egypt's Abdel Fattah el-Sisi. What a boon the Turdword Regime has been to the world's dictators. Given a gullible, racist, dope, desperate to look tough and allergic to critical thinking, it turns out to be relatively simple to manipulate the most powerful government in human history into crushing your enemies.
Another Washington Post investigation discovered that Sharty McFly's tacky New York golf resort not only employs undocumented immigrants, but exploits them, forcing workers to labor off the clock, unpaid. We know the hypocrisy of hiring the very people he targets for dehumanization won't make the slightest dent in his brainwashed base's unquestioning adulation, but hell, you can almost imagine him bragging about this shit at rallies, can't you? “Hell yes, I stole their labor and their wages, and now I'm kicking 'em out of the country, isn't that SMART?” and they'll cheer and cheer, because all they ever really wanted was to watch the suffering of a perceived enemy.
I confess, whenever I see someone who sincerely expects an act of blatant hypocrisy to penetrate the bubble of the right wing jagoffosphere and bring Cult 45 to its senses, I can't help thinking, “Oh my sweet summer child, bless your little heart.” The thought process here ain't “we hate liberals because XYZ,” the starting point is “we hate liberals,” and you work backwards from there, and if you can't find any better excuses than “fancy mustard and tan suit,” please understand that will in no way impede the avalanche of rage.
You could lose your goddamn mind, for example, trying to parse out just how Shart Garfunkel’s “Russia, if you're listening...” line was harmless, innocent, fun, while Hillary Clinton's recent, mocking, “China, if you're listening...” bit was appalling and treasonous. Seriously, don't think about it too hard, you'll hurt yourself.
Anyway, hey Bulgaria, if you're reading this blog, please FedEx every donkey turd in your country to the White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, c/o Stephen Miller.
Adam Schiff referred Mercenary Shitweasel Erik Prince to the Justice Department for potential prosecution for the crime of lying to Congress. On the one hand, the case seems strong, because the Mueller report pretty much proves Prince unequivocally lied to Congress. On the other, the one unshakable belief our current Attorney General seems to hold is that there aren't any laws that actually apply to prominent Republicans, so we may be at a bit of an impasse here.
Cementing his status as the Wayne Gretzky of Losing in Court, Hairplug Himmler's latest attempt to get Congressional Democrats’ emoluments clause lawsuit thrown out failed so badly he probably thought he was asking Salma Hayek out again. The ruling comes just in time, since we learned that seven different foreign governments have been leasing property in one of his hideous condo towers, something something Jimmy Carter's peanut farm.
Y'know, maybe we've been going about this presidency all wrong. Maybe if Everytown and Moms Demand Action bought up, say, some of the unused retail space in Donnie Dotard's downtown Chicago eyesore, we could get some gun control legislation signed...
The latest episode of the smash hit web series, Vetting Stephen Moore, found our anti-hero-but-not-in-a-cool-way defending the sort of lame racist joke that's the reason you don't take your Uncle Ethan out to eat in public restaurants anymore. I was gonna call him either KKKarrot Top or Dad Joke David Duke, but I couldn't make up mind, but then I remembered this my fucking blog and I can write whatever the fuck I want, so you get both gags, and if I decide to spend three paragraphs reminiscing about the Starship/Cheap Trick/REO Speedwagon concert I went to in high school, there's nothing you can do about it.
Anyway, Moore's nomination, after days of accumulating stench, finally received its long-overdue flushing, and he took to the op-ed pages to whine about how the dastardly liberal media smeared him by (checks notes) directly quoting from his long, long, history of saying extremely stupid shit. Congratulations, genius, a month ago nobody knew or cared who you were, but now millions will recognize you as That One Skeevy, Racist, Sexist, Child-Support-Dodging, Tax Cheat and Also You're Not Funny.
Things got really interesting mid-week, when we learned Rugged Robert Mueller sent Toady General William Barr a letter that was all, “Bish, I see you misrepresenting my report! I worked hard on that shit, wtf? If I intended to exonerate that justice-obstructing motherfucker, I would've sent him a copy covered in scratch n’ sniff stickers, along with a gift card to Chili's, but I didn't do that, DID I?” and we all set our DVRs for the next day's hearing with Barr before the Senate Judiciary Committee, because this is the golden age of television, y’all.
That hearing was...something, wasn't it? At certain points, the questioning threatened to create rifts in the Democratic Caucus, as so many Senators took turns owning Billy's enabling ass, you almost worried that fights would break out over who got to take the AG home in a little plastic terrarium (Always bet on Klobuchar, for the record). Kamala Harris’ evisceration was so captivating, it's been renewed for a second season this fall on NBC.
The big theme was that Barr, despite his job America's chief law-enforcement official, doesn't think the rule of law is really a thing when it comes to our treasonous Grifter-in-Chief. “I am the Attorney General of the United States, and by gum, if Donald Trump wants to amble into this room and bludgeon Chris Van Hollen to death with a golf club in front of the entire world, I will personally wipe his (tiny, inadequate) fingerprints off the handle!”
Oh, and he said Mueller's letter was “snitty.” That's not really important, and I don't have anything to say about it, but I used it in the title, so I figured I'd better mention it. That's a pretty decent link, though.
In the end, Barr was utterly humiliated, his reputation left in tatters as he was revealed as a corrupt stooge for a cheap gangster, obviously unfit to lead the Justice Department. Once upon a time, stuff like that mattered, and he'd have been forced to resign. Nowadays? Well, being unfit to lead the Justice Department is the whole fucking reason he was hired to lead the Justice Department in the first place. He should be impeached, OBVIOUSLY, but the Republican Party decided a while back that shielding their Turd Emperor from any consequences for his many crimes was more important than the silly ol’ “rule of law,” so Billy B was free to waddle away, credibility shredded, but power intact.
And then he bailed on a House hearing scheduled for Thursday, inching us closer to that constitutional conflict we've been putting off. Exciting stuff! I hope my country survives!
The New York Times helpfully assisted Rotten-Mouthed Cousin-Banger Rudy Giuliani with a little light ratfucking, platforming a right-wing hit on the Biden family, and good golly, I can't wait for eighteen months of Lock Him Up chants, accompanied by fanatical media bothsidesism as pundits desperately spin these flimsy allegations as totally equivalent to the Trump cabal's decades of criminal activity, because God knows we can't learn anything from our mistakes, here in HELL.
And the Department of Justice filed a ridiculous-but-horrifying little filing to make their case to Kill All the Filthy Takers, excuse me, “Repeal the Affordable Care Act.” Isn't it nutty that the President of the United States is low-key trying to murder millions of us, and that’s just a background story that folks aren’t really paying attention to? Like, you get so caught up in watching a crazy guy take a dump in the middle of a playground, you don't notice him pouring pesticides into the town water supply. Apparently.
We also found out that the Klanrunt Administration, in their giddiness to rip migrant families apart at the southern border, didn't bother to collect or retain the information necessary to reunite their victims. Look, when you're busy mobilizing the awesome powers of the American government for a massive campaign of racist, state-sponsored, terrorism, some shit is gonna fall through the cracks, okay? Surely we can forgive the odd civil servant for forgetting to fill out a form here and there while swept up in the heady intoxication of seeing the fear in a child's eyes when you steal her from her parents' arms and lock her in a fucking kennel, knowing “Wow, I did that. ME!” Who has time for bureaucracy when you're inflicting the sort of the trauma that will last a lifetime?
Facebook finally got around to banning some of the shittiest people on the planet, from Alex Jones to Louis Farrakhan to Milo Yadon'tgotnoplatformnomo to Paul Nehlen, in an attempt to remove the licorice jelly beans of hate from the otherwise-pleasant social media candy fistful*. It's nice to know that while Facebook will allow anyone to spread disinformation and rage, they'll totally pull the plug once you've gotten good enough at it to radicalize millions.
Oh, and President Crotchrot is super-upset about this “censorship.” Won't defend the United States from a foreign attack, but suddenly he's Washington crossing the Delaware when you decide to the deplatform the monster who's been terrorizing Sandy Hook families for years.
A fun new rule from Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot's Department of Health and Human Services gives medical professionals the right to refuse treatment based on personal prejudices, provided they claim those prejudices are based in religious beliefs! Fake Christian fanatics now have so much dang “religious liberty” that they're allowed to ignore that silly ol’ "Hippocratic Oath” and choose between healing and judgment as they see fit!
Going forward, be sure to carry a small notebook with you at all times, documenting any and all moral/ethical/religious beliefs you might hold, so potential E.R. physicians can decide whether or not you deserve saving. “Oh, it looks like he didn't watch Touched By an Angel, but he claims that's only because the writing and acting were subpar...what do you think?” and then the nurses and staff debate your holiness while you bleed out.
Shit, with nobody left to support him outside the feral rubes of white evangelical “Christian” movement, the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor now hilariously claims that it's “God” who got him through the dark days of the Mueller investigation. Yeah, the world's foremost scholar of Two Corinthians leans on his “faith.” I actually think there's a great opportunity for a breakthrough here; imagine a rally where Il Douche struggles to regurgitate some Bible quote Mike Pants failed to drill into his memory because he was distracted by the girls in a beer commercial, and finally, exasperated, he throws up his hands and says “Look, I don't believe in God, you don't believe in God, we're all just here because I promised to stick it to that one black guy who got promoted over you six years ago, right? RIGHT?” And there would be a massive sigh of relief, and Franklin Graham could finally wear his robes in public, and everyone would generally just appreciate that the need for all that pretense was finally gone, and everybody's allowed to sleep in on Sundays.
Speaking of religious buffoonery, here's a story for ya: Scientology Cruise Ship Quarantined After Measles Outbreak and...nope, can't improve on that one.
This morning, no doubt upset at recent news coverage, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops ran upstairs, locked himself in his room, and made a tear-soaked phone call; “No one understands us, Vlad! The intelligence community says you're waging information warfare on the United States but I say that's just a hoax to keep us apart! But we won't let them, will we? Will we, Vlad? Anyway, what do you want me to do about Venezuela? It's so confusing and far away and I just hate that we're on opposite sides, just...just TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DOOOO!!!!” and the Lincoln Memorial crumbled to dust in shame.
John Kelly may've left the day-to-day grind of Washington politics behind him, but apparently he missed the terrified wailing of detained migrant children so much, he just couldn't stay away. Yes, General K has joined the board of directors of the company operating the largest Kiddie Koncentration Kamp on American soil. Hey, remember when we were so desperate for heroes that we lionized this creep for Briefly Looking Concerned while his shitsack boss praised white supremacist terrorists, only to quietly return to the work of enacting said shitsack boss’ hate-driven agenda for months? Good times.
You could probably use a little good gnus right about now, yeah? Well, I've got something fantastic for ya; a three-judge panel finally struck down Ohio's ridiculous, Look Everybody Cheats a Little We Get That But SERIOUSLY Bro? Republican gerrymander. This is a huge victory for voting rights, and a massive defeat for the GOP, and it's kind of telling/depressing how often those two things go hand in hand, isn't it?
Holy fucking shit, 2019 was one helluva year, I can't believe we got thr-wait, what? (Looks at calendar in disbelief. Howls into the still night air. Drinks.) Fuck. See you next week.
*The red jelly beans are cat videos, blue are your high school classmates’ baby photos, green are targeted ads for products you bought last week, and so on.
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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PMNumber of posts: 629
