TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalAsk Not at Whom the Pineapple Flies, Mr. Trump; It Flies at Thee (Ferrrrrret)
I feel like there are two kinds of news stories these days: those demonstrating the catastrophic consequences of empowering the rageful nationalism sweeping through the global Right, and the ones about America’s Republican Party looking upon those consequences and squealing, “Gimmie some more of THAT!” In other words, shit remains cray.
(It’s all much more fun with links, trust me: https://showercapblog.com/ask-not-at-whom-the-pineapple-flies-mr-trump-it-flies-at-thee/)
Let’s start by checking in on Pooty’s Folly, I guess. You’ll recall, the original KGBrilliant war plan relied heavily (okay, exclusively) on the opposing military not fighting back. For…reasons which I’m sure seem significantly less sturdy with hindsight’s wisdom. At least among the survivors.
Shockingly, it didn’t take Bard the Bowman to exploit this teensy strategic weakness, and it turns out that not preparing for war before starting a war is, um, not a exactly a recipe for success, restoration-of-the-mighty-Soviet-Empire-wise.
Which brings us to the present, and Vlad the Miscalculator’s wildly overdue plan B: hurling the remnants of his broken toy army at Ukraine’s west and south, praying he’s still got enough bombs, bullets and bodies left to eke out some really cool mud to brag about conquering in his upcoming “Victory Day” speech. Set your DVR for that one, by the way, it’s gonna give Orwell’s ghost an aneurysm.
Anyway, I guess the Russkies’re being marginally less idiotically suicidal than Phase One: Sit Here and Get Shot At, but we are most definitely not watching a superpower work its inevitable will on a weaker neighbor.
The last traces of that carefully constructed strongman/chessmaster image dissipated weeks ago, like an asparagus fart, and all that remains of Putin now is a sort of shittier, mangier Wile E. Coyote, trapped in a spiral of petulant aggression and humiliating defeat.
There’s ultimately only so much you can accomplish with a military this shoddy; mostly just clumsily apocalyptic blanket shelling and war crimes, but I repeat myself. Their tanks are shit and their troops are shit and their brass is shit, even their cyber army is shit, it turns out. From what I’ve heard, the chow is shit too, but take comfort, boys, I can’t imagine you’ll have to endure it much longer.
And while sanctions undermine Russia’s ability to resupply, Ukraine keeps getting bigger, better shit, (every other day it seems you hear, like, “Belgium agrees to send 35 dinosaur-mounted laser cannons to Ukraine”) so they’re actually facing a better-equipped nation than the one they invaded, which is pretty fucking funny, if you ask me.
All of which makes Poots’ yapping threats of “lightning fast” retaliation extra adorable. Nobody outside your fifth-rate police state believes your military is capable of so much as assembling IKEA furniture at any fucking speed at all, kid. The West will resist the temptation to polish off your pathetic “army,” because yes, you’ve got nukes, but honestly, if it came down to it, would you clods even be able to get the silos open?
See, nobody’s afraid of you when you fuck up this big. Sweden and Finland are making out with NATO in front of everybody, and they’re looking ready to go all the way. Shit, Biden sent Blinken and Austin to frolic through Kyiv, (technically the middle of a war zone, not that your clown army can get anywhere near it) the diplomatic equivalent of drawing a dick on Vlad’s face when he nods off after one too many Zimas.
Now the Russians bitch n’ moan because the War Where You Weren’t Supposed to Fight Back You Guys has spilled over into the murderous motherland. Fuck you. Don’t start wars. Spare us the mewling victimhood of the exposed bully, at any rate.
And Vlad didn’t even get his pet stooge in Paris, boo hoo. This is your life now, you genocidal turdmaggot. You’re the modern day Prometheus, an eagle shows up every single day to drop another bowling ball on your groin. Learn to love it.
Seems there aren’t enough mass graves in Mariupol to make the Senate’s Fakest Doctor stop spreading the Kremlin’s filthy propaganda, such is Rand Paul’s loyalty to the creed of kakistocracy. Forgive me for taking the low-hanging fruit, but it’s truly a wonder he doesn’t get punched more.
It’d probably be more fun watching Kevin McCarthy scramble like a roach dodging Raid in the bathtub if he weren’t in line for perhaps the least-deserved promotion in political history. Of course, Republican voters seem rather fond of obsequiousness in their leaders, which isn’t really any more counterintuitive than the rest of the insane shit they believe, I suppose.
The 2022 Republican primaries just keep on unfolding like a collaboration between John Frankenheimer and Eli Roth gone horribly wrong. In the Georgia Governor’s race, one candidate pledged blind, docile allegiance to American fascism and its Big Lie, and the Pennsylvania Senate debate, fucking hell, it was like watching a defiantly unwoke production of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.
The once-great state of Florida continues its distressingly swift devolution into the Shithole Republic of DeSantistan, complete with appropriately obscene congressional gerrymander. How long, one wonders, before Reichskommissar Ron-Ron dispatches his new “fraud police” force to Disney World as shock troops?
Thousands of newly released Mark Meadows texts further illuminate the criminal blundering of the confederacy of fascist dunces who tried to steal our government from us not so very long ago, and I have vague memories of living in a country where such things would’ve been frowned upon, but alas, as Meadows’ texts with Sean Hannity show, the conspirators can count on dutiful wingnut media footsoldiers to pimp the party line, however mendacious, however rotten.
I suppose it was inevitable that a Twitter troll would wind up running Twitter, but given the bountiful buffet of intellectual and psychological shortcomings that comprise the resentment-fueled weirdo known as Elon Musk, this looks to be a rather perilous social engineering experiment, one I’d just as soon skip. Regrettably, both Moderna and Pfizer say a vaccine against the trickle-down consequences of billionaire manchild insecurity is still years away.
Jesus fucking Christ, did somebody forget to lock Marjorie Taylor Greene’s crate? She’s been on a goddamn rampage, the brownshirt equivalent of a wild spring break in Cabo; calling for “Marshall Law*,” and lurching to the brink of a kooky catfight with fellow psychopath Lauren Boebert.
Oh, and despite her Q-drenched ravings about Satan allegedly controlling the Catholic Church, she’s taken to palling around with Milo Yiannopolous, a disgraced, ultra-ultra-ultra-ultra-right-wing fanatic, who is literally famous for condoning pedophilia. No doubt this unignorable hypocrisy marks the end of her MAGA influence; they’re a notoriously ethically consistent bunch.
Speaking of the wad of feral colon tumors known as the Freedom Caucus, young Madison Cawthorn, hot off a fetching drag spread in Politico, once again got caught attempting to smuggle a loaded firearm onto an airplane, and isn’t it fun having so many sitting United States Representatives who behave exactly like terrorists?
Cutting through the bullshit to get to the heart of modern conservatism, here’s Tennessee State Representative Jerry Sexton, casually expressing his desire to burn books, as though it were the most ordinary thing in the world, which it is…to Nazis.
As ever, at the center of the shitstorm slouches Donald J. Trump, (the J stands for “Just held in contempt in New York”) like an enchanted, talking ostomy bag, still whining about water pressure and staggering through his sad, sorry, incessant home run trot over “acing” that goddamn cognitive test.
The God Emperor of the GOP operates essentially like an old man fiddling with his phone in a booth at a Denny’s, muttering to himself, slinging slurs at the waitstaff, refusing to leave. Oh, and he lives in mortal terror of pineapples, apparently. Of course he does.
Really stellar personality to build a cult around, is what I’m saying. Exemplary choice, kids. I mean, the Sacred Passing of the Cognitive Test is practically a Bible story now. Anyway, communion today is a shot of livestock dewormer in front of the scroto-tanner, enjoy!
I’m gonna have to tag out here, folks, having knocked myself unconscious pounding my head against my desk. Before you go, I wanna share somethin’ a little different with you, my review of the song “All I See,” by The Bellwethers, featuring blog reader/Kickstarter backer Fran Scianna! It’s good shit, you’ll dig it! Stay safe!
*Yes, she is so very dumb, ha ha ha; I anticipate many humorous grammatical errors in the reeducation camp signage to come.
Tucker Carlson: New-Age Testicle Guru, and, Amazingly, Other Equally Stupid Shit (Ferret)
“There’s no shortage of assholes,” my dad used to say, as a sort of catch-all explanation for the seemingly endless supply of irksome weirdos one collides with over the course of one’s life. And I think that holds up. There are certainly no kinks in the asshole supply chain at the moment; if anything, the market is overserved, as the following paragraphs will demonstrate.
(As always, the albatross and the whales, they are my brothers. Also, this post is available with news links here: https://showercapblog.com/tucker-carlson-new-age-testicle-guru-and-amazingly-other-equally-stupid-shit/)
Well, it only took them two months, but the butchering clod brigade that apparently passes for an army in Moscow finally eliminated nearly all traces of human life and civilization from one city in Ukraine. Congratulations, boys, you turned Mariupol into a mass grave so the idiot billionaire that sent you to die in a foreign land could lay momentary claim to slightly more dirt.
Yes, it’s taken just two months to reduce Vlad the Genocidal Fuckwit to feebly staging premature missile tests, like some dime store Kim Jong-un. Incidentally, calling your big, bad ICBM “Satan II” is the act of high school freshman desperate for puberty to hit. (Personally, I’m looking forward to Satan III: Satan Goes to The Hague.)
Now, I’ll allow that decorating the brigade responsible for the atrocities in Bucha was an inspired bit of trolling, but you’re in a war, not a Twitter spat, and given your performance on the battlefield to date, I’m not sure that giving Ukrainians extra motivation to shoot at you was the wisest move.
Anyway, enjoy all the shiny new howitzers n’ things that’re headed your way; I bet it sucks to be incapable of resupplying your deteriorating “war machine” on account of all those debilitating sanctions, by the way.
Most mephistophelian felicitations go out to Mr. J.D. Vance, who won the death cult equivalent of the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes: the endorsement of a man he once called “America’s Hitler.” Man, that was a whole damn show, wasn’t it? Like watching hogs fight over a turd.
But that’s what Republican politics IS now: morons gyrating depravedly, desperate to gain one racist game show host’s approval. It’s all incredibly healthy.
And now Republicans’re worried, because the Deposed Dotard is proving to be no better at making endorsements than he is at running casinos or managing pandemics or closing umbrellas. And fucking OF COURSE he’s more interested in petty retribution (and equally petty grifting) than in helping the team win elections…does no one listen when he tells the snake story?!?!
Fuck yes, I hope your lil’ kakistocrat kingmaker costs you loads of winnable races this fall, although maybe you kids could find a moment to reflect upon just how you wound up with an electorate that’s so horny to back serial abusers like Eric Greitens, Herschel Walker, and Charles “Gropey” Herbster, because that shit didn’t happen overnight.
That’s why this crap with McConnell and McCarthy is so fucking infuriating; they know exactly what they’re enabling, they understand how wrong and dangerous it is; they’re just too spineless and power-mad to oppose it. Mitch, Kev, speaking on behalf of every patriotic American, I’m real damn tired of paying for your cowardice.
Florida parents were aghast to discover their children’s math textbooks are insufficiently racist…I guess. I mean, there must’ve been a Million Mom March on Tallahassee, all voices rising as one, “Hey! Ho! Kids should learn fractions from Richard Spencer!” Otherwise, why in seven hells is the DeSantis administration behaving this way?
Soon enough, the textbooks will surely insist Florida has always been at war with the Walt Disney Company. And war means sacrifices; Ron-Ron and his minions, in their zeal to crush dissent, casually shifted a massive tax burden onto their own constituents with their legislative conniption, because living under Republican governance means not just accepting institutional bigotry, but financing it.
This paragraph is strictly for the alien archaeologists, trying to work out precisely how and why humanity mysteriously vanished from the face of the Earth around 2050: yes, this is indeed a state government lashing out vengefully at a private corporation, an enormous part of the state’s economy in fact, for not hating gay people enough. That’s what they’ve decided government is for. Yeah, we’re pretty much tantruming towards extinction these days.
Hey, while I have your attention, o ye extraterrestrial Lara Crofts, I should also confirm, regretfully, that yes, human males that look to mewling mediocrity Tucker Carlson for guidance on masculinity do exist. Yep, even though he laughs like a cartoon marmot, and his jawline resembles nothing so much as three pounds of rancid mayonnaise in a leaky Ziploc baggie. Dunno what to tell you, common sense wasn’t really a “thing” on the right in the early 21st century…don’t get me started on horse dewormer.
Actually, y’know what? Go ahead and get me started on horse dewormer, since a new study shows as many at 234,000 Americans needlessly died of Covid, because they chose not to take any of the free, safe, effective vaccines. Long-term benefits to the gene pool notwithstanding, why are we allowing the maniacs who spread the disinformation responsible for that horrifying statistic to set education policy? Does that sound like a good idea to anyone?
I mean, I guess if you’ve survived two years of Carlson’s coronavirus lies, you may as well get good n’ lubed up, and irradiate your scrotum. If you’re a SISSY, that is. REAL men dip their ballsack in lye, every morning, with their coffee, which REAL men lace with bleach, thumbtacks, and motor oil.
And because everything is extremely gross these days, we can actually tie Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour directly to recent events in DeSantistan. In a great, big bow. With a tapeworm. And that tapeworm is a Twitter account called “Libs of TikTok,” the ruptured cyst of oozing hatred at the center of the frenzied, manufactured “grooming” panic currently spiraling out of control on the American Right.
Now, to cut through the feigned indignation of the conservative media bubble, what Libs of TikTok does is target LGBTQ+ folks for harassment. This “groomer” shit, like so much right-wing messaging these days, is designed to dehumanize political opponents, in order to justify, and even encourage violence. It’s straight-up Nazi shit, and it scares the piss out of me.
Hey, the next time Donald Trump and Piers Morgan fight, it should be with monkey wrenches.
Unchastened by the blowback from her contribution to white nationalist skidmark Nick Fuentes’ loser sock hop, Janice McGeachin announced her intention to campaign alongside Stew Peters, an equally skeevy little freak who single-handedly blacks out the entire Racist Wingnut Bingo card.
In the grand scheme of things, the Lieutenant Governor of Idaho probably has fewer day-to-day responsibilities than the manager of a reasonably busy KFC, but I guess what I’m saying is, I wouldn’t want my chicken fried by Nazis, either.
Meanwhile, Mark Meadows got caught registering to vote in three different states simultaneously, and a couple of Steve Bannon’s confederates in that dumbass wall-building scam pleaded guilty to defrauding donors, but y’know, something something populism, something something law and order.
These fucking people. It reflects poorly upon American culture and character that we’re even entertaining the thought of returning them to power, but so does the ivermectin-chugging and scrotum-tanning, I suppose. And then there’s this.
Ok, folks, I cannot stomach one more second of this shit; I now require several beers, and I shall have them. Stay safe out there if you’re able, my friends, shit’s been real weird.
UPDATE: Young Maddy Cawthorn did WUT now?
Vladimir Putin in the Multiverse of Consequences (ferrrrrrrrrrrrret)
In many ways, the universe has been telling humanity the same story, over and over again, for at least half a decade now, and the moral of that story is that Nationalists Cannot Do One Fucking Thing Right, on account of the debilitating inefficiencies of their rage-warped raisin brains.
(Get the shiniest version of this post here. It’s actually delightfully shiny: https://showercapblog.com/vladimir-putin-in-the-multiverse-of-consequences/)
And yet, despite the clarity and the repetition, here we are once more, talking about putting Marine Le Pen in charge of a whole-ass country. And like, how many mass graves is it gonna take to drive this shit home, people? Problem-solving is not what this ideology is about.
Sigh. I would desperately like to be a member of a species that’s capable of learning.
Anyway.
What a colossal dumbfuck is Vladimir Putin, huh?
Just how many different ways are you lookin’ to humiliate th’Motherland on the world stage, Mr. Shirtless Cowboy Czar Man? Future historians will be unable to speak your name without shaking their heads and chuckling derisively.
Fifty fucking days into the Special Military Operation™️ that was supposed to take two, the Russian military has graduated from Retreating in Shambles to In Hindsight We Probably Shouldn’t Have Left That Black Sea Flagship Out Where Ukraine Could Sink It, so I’d say throw ‘em a party, but I think we all know Russia lacks the logistical capacity to transport cake to the front lines without losing another thousand conscripts.
The mighty Kremlin disinformation factory’s best bullshit spin on this debacle was “NUH-UH! We suck so hard we blowed up our OWN boat!,” but in fairness, after seven solid weeks of dropping bowling balls on their own feet/groins, I can’t imagine they’re at their best over there.
Meanwhile, the plan to fragment and weaken NATO is going so well, the debate on membership in Finland and Sweden has swung from “hard nah” to “would it be tacky to include baked goods with our application packet?” which, when you think about it, is the entirely inevitable consequence of A) starting a war of aggression in Europe, and B) fucking it up this badly.
The Russkies have threatened retaliation, of course. They’re doing quite a bit of threatening these days, which, like…you and literally what army, dawg? Incidentally, y’all are the ones who decided to wander into somebody else’s country and start murdering children, so you’re not allowed to get all fussy when folks fight back.
I mean, yeah, I imagine it’s downright aggravating, watching that endless supply of Western weapons flow to the army that’s kicking your loser army’s ass, but that’s why we don’t start wars, now ISN’T IT?
‘Specially now that they’re gettin’ the good shit. While you struggle to rearrange the shabby remnants of your bungling butcher brigade, Zelensky’s shopping the most advanced arsenals in the world, on Instacart, from the comfort of Kyiv, aka That City You Completely Fucking Failed to Conquer. Twelve drummers drumming, 500 Javelins jumping, and a partridge in a fucking pear tree; they’re all headed your way, Poots.
Tucker Carlson, multi-tasking fascist beaver that he is, won’t let his content-creating obligations to Putin’s propaganda machine interfere with his existing domestic radicalization/stochastic terrorism program. It made distressingly few headlines this week, when the most watched man on cable openly, casually called upon his viewers to physically assault public school teachers. I mean, it’s no Nancy Pelosi Has Loads of Ice Cream, but in a country with a real and growing right-wing violence problem, it feels newsworthy.
Hey you guys, I’ve got a great idea: let’s get ahold of Hunter Biden’s laptop, and use it to read about the new revelations regarding the Turd Reich’s ridiculously corrupt, multi-billion dollar dealings with the journalist-dismembering House of Saud! Or would that require too much ethical consistency?
Now that Eric Greitens’ ex-wife claims extensive documentation in support of her abuse allegations, perhaps it’s started to dawn on Missouri Republicans that a disgraced, chronically violent lunatic is not the best available fit for the open U.S. Senator gig, though I’ll concede the example set by Josh Hawley muddies the waters, standards-wise.
It’s obviously profoundly unhealthy that voters even flirted with Grody Greitens, given existing allegations, but I have to admit, I always sleep a little easier any time this flock of assholes finds a limit to the level of depravity they’re willing to accept in an elected official. Limits are our friend here.
Like their comrades in the Kremlin, America’s ultra-right extremists tend to be men of grandiose ambition, but negligible ability, which is my cutesy little way of bringing up Mark Meadows, who clearly lacks the intellectual bandwidth necessary for the life of high-stakes crime he’s chosen for himself. Still, I suppose it was kind of him to leave such a damning digital trail, demonstrating precisely how horny the likes of Mike Lee and Chip Roy were back in 2020 to join any slightly-less-batshit insurrection than the one Sydney Powell offered. Some might call these texts, “evidence of a criminal conspiracy,” because that’s what they are.
Oh, and Mark has finally been removed from the voter rolls in North Carolina, having been caught committing honey bunches of voter fraud there. Hopefully this will not be the Consequences Fairy’s last visit to the Meadows household.
I see the Marsha Blackburn Couldn’t Graduate Grade School Pageant that debuted at the recent SCOTUS confirmation hearings wasn’t some one-off thing, but merely the opening installment of what looks to be a multi-season epic. For the record, if Tennessee gets its own, private border wall, ALL the wingnut loony bins’ll want one, so I’m afraid the answer is no.
Surely some bright, enterprising 10-year-old can be found to tutor the good Senator on the basics of American civics. Shit, Tommy Tuberville could use some help in that department, now that I think of it. Actually, from disinformation spigots like Ron Johnson to autocracy enablers like Lindsey Graham, I can’t think of anybody in Mitch McConnell’s godforsaken caucus that wouldn’t benefit from a remedial citizenship course or two.
Speaking of the world’s greatest deliberative body*, the Dotard-in-Exile endorsed carpetbagging huckster fuckwit Mehmet Oz in the competitive Republican Pennsylvania Senate primary, CUZ HE SAW HIM ON THE MAGIC BOX THAT TALKS, you see. He would endorse Tom Selleck if he could. Or Mr. Ed. Or the Hamburglar. (“He’s been treated very unfairly!”)
Somehow, this 100% foreseeable outcome caught the Pennsylvania GOP flatfooted, and folks, I feel like you’ve had ample opportunity to internalize at least the broad outlines of the Frankenstein story by now, so, y’know…sorry ‘bout your damn luck. “Wow, we took a television addict with late-stage brain rot and anointed him kingmaker, WHERE DID IT ALL GO WRONG?”
Now that the gates of kakistocracy have swung wide enough to lure Sarah freaking Palin back, the idea of vetting these candidates at all seems quaint and faintly snobbish. I mean, of course the dude who manufactures the tear gas used against Black Lives Matter protesters showed up, OF COURSE HE DID.
You creeps are under no obligation to keep propping up the utterly valueless currency that is Donald Trump’s dank, clammy endorsement, by the way. Didn’t do shit for Mo Brooks. It’s not doing shit for insider-trading milksop David Perdue, though by all means, flush half a million bucks down that toilet, kids.
Hell, Mike Pence is so desperate to wash the Trumpstank off, he’s boiling himself in holy water thrice daily, not that it’ll do the little weasel a lick of good…it gets in your fuckin’ pores, doesn’t it, Mr. Vice President? Incidentally, your erroneous belief, that you had the right to defile Heather Heyer’s memorial with your obscene presence, proves you’re too son-were-you-kicked-by-a-horse fucking stupid to be president of the late shift at Starbucks, not that there’s any conceivable political future for MAGA Judas anyway. Shut the fuck up and go the fuck away.
A routine, entirely non-controversial courthouse-renaming bill, the sort of thing even C-SPAN junkies can’t get into, erupted like a Troma film cyst, thanks to the rampaging bigotry of the feral, white nationalist cult that is the House Republican Conference. America, if you’re listening, I know inflation sucks, but the Ku Klux Klownshow is not the answer.
Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt signed a breathtakingly regressive abortion bill into law, no doubt daydreaming of being chosen as the lucky theocrat who gets to hold Anti Choicey Barrett’s hand when she fulfills her lifelong ambition to Make Women Legally Incubators Again. Better watch out, Kev; given recent developments in Florida and Kentucky, there’re quite a few salivating hyenas circling already.
Texas Governor Greg Abbott is so fucking thirsty for Fox News airtime that he took a tire iron to the nation’s already-battered supply chain, because the great thing about a culture war is that you wage it on yourself. In a marginally sane world, you’d expect the electorate to turn on an incumbent who abused his power to directly, intentionally harm his constituents, and indeed the whole dang economy, for the sake of a pathetic stunt that didn’t even fucking land, but as the pandemic so distressingly demonstrated, Republican voters genuinely want a Daddy who spanks.
…but not one who might be capable of answering simple questions without coming off like a drooling moron, mind. Yes, the Party of Lincoln retreated in terror from the field of presidential debates, presumably forever, which actually makes sound strategic sense, considering their frontrunner spent years bragging about passing a cognitive test.
Plus, the week saw a not-particularly-rare double serving of that uniquely American shit sandwich: the public mass shooting. I simply cannot figure out how this keeps happening in a nation where gun policy is set by sociopaths with unweaned cowboy fantasies.
Anyway, Elon Musk is attempting a hostile takeover of this blog; I’m gonna go see if I can trick him into paying in beer. You folks stay safe n’ sane out there…if you can!
*Try saying it out loud without laughing. Can’t be done.
In a World This Mercilessly Stupid, How Could Sarah Palin NOT Come Back? (Ferret!)
A week without malignantly insane, world-wrecking assholes…that’s all I want. One little week. Wouldn’t that be nice? To just once click over to Ye Olde Shower Cappe Blog, braced for the expected litany of horrors, only to encounter a brief, “Well whaddya know, the shitbuckets actually left us alone for a few days, I finally got around to that last season of Deadwood!” A boy can dream, can’t he?
(Get this post in stunning technicolor glory, here: https://showercapblog.com/in-a-world-this-mercilessly-stupid-how-could-sarah-palin-not-come-back/)
The Russian military has certainly had a tough time of it in Ukraine, (the murdering dolts can’t even retreat competently) but after week upon week of catastrophic blundering, they’ve finally stumbled onto one thing they’re actually halfway decent at: slaughtering civilians.
Future war-mongering autocrats take note: it’s prudent to save the really major war crimes for securely held territory, because when you’re forced to flee the field in defeat, residual evidence of your inhuman savagery can really turbocharge the world’s will to thwart your bloody ambitions.
Keep it up, Pootie Tang, I think there are still six or seven Stinger missiles left in a garage somewhere that aren’t currently aimed at your butchering buffoons. And I know y’all are redeploying and resupplying and all, but I, uh, wouldn’t expect great things from the remnants of the force that oh-so-cleverly occupied Chernobyl. Anyhoo, surely the glorious restoration of the Soviet Empire is just one more bombed-out maternity hospital away.
Like an overmatched game show host trying to gaslight his way out of a global pandemic, Vlad the Miscalculator’s latest master plan involves claiming each freshly unearthed atrocity is in fact a dastardly Ukrainian false flag designed to make him look like a big ol’ meanie. It’s working about as well as any of his recent schemes, I suppose; Russian “diplomats” are getting expelled by the score, (enjoy the job market back home, kids) and invites to the United Nations Human Rights Council’s Xmas party have been rescinded, which really stings, because Ban Ki-moon usually busts out his absolutely legendary karaoke version of Fox on the Run after an appletini or two.
Anyway, it seems like a particularly inappropriate time to be scrawling taunting little notes on the missiles you’re launching at noncombatants, but maybe Vladward is just excited he got Pink Floyd back together.
Here at home, Republicans continue their extremely Putinesque assault on LGBTQ rights. Frankly, the institutional GOP is kicking itself for not embracing QAnon sooner; turns out, you don’t need any platform whatsoever, you can even embrace lunatic policies that kill tens of thousands of your constituents, so long as you train a sufficiently large base of credulous dirtbags to reflexively believe that anyone who disagrees with them about anything is a child molester.
Because Disney’s content deviates from Laura Ingraham’s grisliest gay-bashing fantasies, they’re “grooming” children, you see. Now Lauren Boebert furiously demands Mickey Mouse’s cancellation, on the grounds that his name is just too darn hard to spell. (There should be a song to help with that, y’know?)
Oddly, in their fervor to incite a few theme park mass shootings, none of the shrieking heads of the right-wing rageosphere found time to condemn Tennessee Republicans’ proposed legalization of child marriage. Shit, they neglected to even mention Ruben Verastigui, the latest in a long, long, long, long, LONG fuckin’ line of prominent conservatives to earn an actual, real-life conviction for sexually abusing children.
Well, Ketanji Brown Jackson has been successfully confirmed to the Supreme Court, despite the Senate GOP’s demented smear campaign, (she’s only soft on pedophiles, not a pedophile herself, at least she wasn’t the last time I checked the fever swamps, though I’m sure Hillary Clinton has plans to invite her over to partake of the traditional Democratic congratulatory child face buffet) though not without one final infantile conniption from the likes of Rand Paul and Lindsey Graham.
So, Paul Gosar, sitting United States Congressperson, is headed to yet another white nationalist shindig, this one in celebration of Hitler’s birthday. Now, outside of the generally undesirable spectacle of a federal legislator CELEBRATING HITLER’S BIRTHDAY, I’m afraid I must insist upon registering a complaint here; a satirist’s job is tough enough without all this unfair competition from reality.
I probably shouldn’t fixate on Congressman Szell, excuse me, “Gosar,” he’s an outlier, right? We should pay more attention to the GOP’s fine, upstanding moderates! You won’t catch wannabe Senator J.D. Vance baking cupcakes for Adolf; no, he’s far too busy cutting mega-racist campaign ads, and parroting the white nationalist “great replacement” theory…on reflection, probably not the best example.
Okay, okay, Gosar AND Vance are outliers, let us rather focus on Texas Governor Greg Abbott, who, trailing in the pivotal Racist Idiot primary, announced a moronic “plan” to bus migrants from the border to Washington, D.C. Pretty standard Republican electoral politics here, by which I mean, “juvenile performance art, designed to elicit malicious cackling from the shittiest people alive.”
(The real outliers in this clown car full of bleeding rectums are, of course, Kinzinger and Cheney.)
I’m actually quite sympathetic to MAGA nation’s plight; it must be challenging, maintaining fanaticism in a cult of personality, when the personality in question is such an inveterate loser as Donald John Trump. Of course you have to concoct fake accomplishments to justify your blind fealty, otherwise you’d have to face the reality that you worship a serial fuckup who can’t even dress himself. Anyway, he didn’t kill Bin Laden, Congresswoman McClain; you are now cordially invited to resign in shame.
Speaking of Donnie Dotard’s seven decades of incessant faceplanting, there’s a brand-new fiasco for the fridge, Ma! I’m talkin’ about TRUTH SOCIAL, which flopped so hard and fast you’d think the man in charge was some sort of world-class shitwit who couldn’t even figure out how to make money in the casino industry.
While I understand and accept the bleak inevitability of the headline, “Trump endorses Palin,” reading it still made me curl up in the fetal position on my kitchen floor, weeping tears of vomit, for several hours. I finally gathered the strength to stand up and start cleaning the mess, but then along came “Bin Laden’s niece praises Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz for backing Capitol rioters” to knock me back on my ass.
By the way, Taylor Greene made history this week, as the very first batshit-gargling conspiracy theorist to get mercilessly owned on both the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives and a late night talk show within a two-day span. Congratulations, Marj; your prize is an all-expenses paid trip…to Guam.
Shopping for your slush-brained conservative relatives can be frustrating; there’s room for just so many made-in-China red ballcaps amidst the doomsday prep kits and meth paraphernalia. Well, for the low, low price of $2,500, you can secure your favorite cultist their very own spot on the faux “grand jury” staged by a disgraced Elvis impersonator with a history of sexual assault, where everybody will play dress-up and pretend to indict Anthony Fauci. It’s like the Dunning-Kruger effect, only for dignity.
Y’know, you’d think it’d be obvious by now that there’s nothing less fruitful than trying to piece some sort of consistent, coherent ethical system together from the hypocritical drivel Mitch McConnell offers up to excuse his ruthless, amoral pursuit of power, but damned if the feckless, autofellating pundit class doesn’t insist upon wasting everyone’s time trying*.
Golly, now even John Roberts is bemoaning his power-mad, wingnut colleagues’ abuse of the SCOTUS shadow docket process. Yeah, ol’ Doc Frankenstein was sure he could control the monster he made, too.
I see Off-Brand Orbán wants us to believe it was only the Secret Service that prevented him from joining his loser hate mob in their march to the Capitol last January 6th, as though the whole world doesn’t remember what happened the last time he was called upon to Walk a Short Distance in Public.
Newly uncovered text messages reveal Don Junior’s hilarious certainty that the Attempted Assclown Autogolpe would swiftly prove to be both easy and peasy. Look, when you take a brain built from Trump family DNA and relentlessly batter it with cheap cocaine, you have to expect results like this.
Just as a little palate cleanser, please enjoy this video of Senator Brian Schatz taint-punting insurrectionist shitweasel Josh Hawley into another goddamn galaxy. God, I needed that.
It’s all so fucking exhausting, and I don’t even have a declining dictator lobbing bombs at my house. Lordy. Stay safe out there if you’re able, my lovelies. Oh, and if you pledged to my most recent comic book Kickstarter, your rewards are IN THE MAIL, so you’ve got that goin’ for ya.
*Remember, kids, Friends Don’t Let Friends Share Chris Cillizza Posts!
BREAKING: Right Wing Hatred, Idiocy Ruin Everything (YES, AGAIN) (Ferrrrrret)
If anybody had this week in the office pool as the one when the world’s many asshats would finally stop fucking more or less everything up, and let the rest of us just LIVE OUR FUCKING LIVES IN PEACE, you lost your fucking money, didn’tcha? Well, feel free to seek shelter from the merciless barrage of Will Smith takes in the following paragraphs:
(Which can also be found, in living color and featuring loads o’ links, here: https://showercapblog.com/breaking-right-wing-hatred-idiocy-ruin-everything-yes-again/)
Welcome to week whatever of Vladimir Putin’s Dunning-Kruger War, everything’s going great, thanks for asking. Maybe nobody fell for your tricksy fake diplomacy, and maybe your military is retreating, with nothing to show for its efforts but t-shirts reading I Briefly Occupied Chernobyl and All I Got Was This Lousy Dose of God Knows How Much Radiation, but otherwise it’s been a veritable clinic on conquest; you could give seminars at CPAC, or whatever that Nick Fuentes thing is.
Yes, with the dare I say yugely successful completion of Phase One, (which is the phase where you accidentally shoot down your own planes, tactics 101, everybody knows that) Operation: Please Please Please Fuck Up Less You Guys may now commence in earnest!
But can Vlad the Miscalculator’s clown army successfully retrench to achieve even these vastly reduced new war goals? I mean, with the casualties they’re taking, Russia seems to be demilitarizing the wrong country. Personally, I think if you can’t get through one measly month of your war of aggression without begging your Syrian buddies to replenish your supply of bullet sponges, you probably never had much of a shot at restoring the full glory of the Soviet Empire, bucko.
Meanwhile, Doubleplus Good Planner of Wars Putin has placed his own, personal Beanie Baby collection up for auction on eBay to anybody willing to pay in rubles, and Russia’s getting kicked out of the G20 the hard way, but maybe, just maybe, Bret Stephens is right, and this monthlong fuckup parade actually masked the master plan of a KGB super genius playing eleventy-fifth-dimensional chess, and the West is playing directly into his hands by providing the arms that’re destroying his military machine in front of the watching world, and taint-punting his cut-rate economy into the fucking sun.
“Yeah, but WHAT IF THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTED ALL ALONG?”
Or, what if Bret’s pompous fanfic is the most perfect example to date of the neuron-rotting condition doctors are calling Contrarian Pundit Brain? I’m starting to suspect NYT finds their conservative columnists by wandering into wingnut think thanks and offering the gig to whoever can fit the most nickels up their nose.
I see Kid Kompromat simply cannot stop himself from begging the Butcher of Mariupol for help with his petty, personal, political fixations. Y’know what? Dig up your own goddamn dirt for once, you lazy fuck. You should try doing work, just one time, if only for the novelty.
New studies confirm that, in defiance of the fanatical certainty of the Science Ain’t the Boss of Me crowd, medicine designed to de-worm livestock is precisely as effective against the coronavirus as anyone whose brain hadn’t been devoured by maggots would imagine it to be, which is to say, not fucking at all. Obviously. OBVIOUSLY.
We had a whole-ass national debate about that shit. About ivermectin. People died. Thousands and fucking thousands of ‘em. Because the terrorists win if we (checks notes) listen to doctors during a global health emergency, you see. That’s “populism.” Anti-elitism taken to its mad, suicidal extreme.
YOU CAN HAVE MY COMPLETELY USELESS HORSE MEDICINE WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS!!!!!
Ok. Those terms are acceptable.
Science is actually amazing, by the way, y’all don’t know what you’re missing. Why, just this past week, we witnessed a phenomenon so rare, most assumed it was entirely beyond the realm of possibility: Kevin McCarthy actually pushed back on one of the proto-fascists in his feral caucus! It was the political equivalent of giant squid footage, trust me.
No, not for inciting violence or attending white nationalist clambakes, don’t be silly, I’m talking about young Maddy Cawthorn, who baselessly, nefariously accused his GOP colleagues of being fun enough to throw coke orgies.
Young man, the Republican Party may’ve devolved into a tangle of plague rats, snapping at one another in a liposuction clinic dumpster, but by Saint Ronnie’s Pickled Testes, the Eleventh Commandment yet reigns!
Assclown Autogolpe apparatchik John Eastman has been ordered to turn more than 100 emails over to the January 6th commission, because it turns out there’s no attorney-client privilege in criminal conspiracies to overthrow the federal government, or so says some deep state “judge,” anyhow.
Oh, and said commission is thinking about calling in Ginni Thomas, to…I dunno, to ask her what the bees in her head have been whispering lately, perhaps? Somebody on that committee needs to cut to the dang chase and say, “Level with us: what’s the nuttiest thing your SITTING SUPREME COURT JUSTICE husband believes? Is it just QAnon, or are we talkin’ lizard people and Jewish space lasers here? Like, do you two have plans to set JFK Jr. up with somebody’s daughter when he comes back?” The public has a right to know this stuff.
Also, I guess there’s a seven-hour gap in the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor’s phone records, from the day of the insurrection, like, during the actual Capitol Riot. I’m sure he was just, y’know…praying. Or trying to figure out how the DVR works, so he could preserve the images of his precious, loser white boy mob, to wank to down in Marm-a-Lago.
I tell you what, folks, it is a goddamn regressive feeding frenzy in the red states right now, and with so much blood in the water already, with the attacks on voting rights and reproductive rights, and the bullshit CRT panic, I suppose it was inevitable they’d turn their teeth towards the LGBTQ community sooner or later, but even within the confines of this unwieldy, way-too-long shark metaphor, I’m astonished at the viciousness.
“Grooming.” That’s the old, slanderous trash these shameless fucks are once again tossing around, with unrestrained glee at another successful heist of the ol’ Overton window by the forces of extremism; Jesus, it’s like they’re browsing SPLC links looking for talking points.
Now Ron DeSantis is about a week away from ordering airstrikes on Epcot, and while Marjorie Taylor Greene remains incapable of assembling coherent thoughts, there’s no mistaking the raw bigotry at the heart of her venomous (if nonsensical) attack on Pete Buttigieg.
It’s the stuff that hate crimes are made of. And they know this.
But they keep on feeding this goddamn Q monster, because, well, given recent history, I’ll allow it’s easier than defending their record. Still, whatever its effectiveness as a get-out-the-vote technique of last resort, this policy of mass radicalization keeps causing violence, DUH, and I guess my personal belief is that the American ideal inherently implies an inalienable right to freedom from the homicidal outbursts of emotionally stunted, easily dupable white men. Call me old-fashioned.
But gee whiz, these weirdos are really scrambling to install their kooky new death cult ideology as the official state religion wherever possible.
And I just think y’all should have to formally codify your shit first, because you’re still in that shifting, Weimar Republic sort of place, and the impulse towards lawless hedonism keeps clashing with your deep-seated prudishness in…fairly creepy ways, if we’re honest. Apropos of nothing, here’re some thoughts on parenthood from Rudy Giuliani’s impossibly fucked-up kid.
Holy balls. Give Todd Solondz the Giuliani biopic, right fucking now.
Seriously though, who gets to contribute to the MAGA Bible? Where’re y’all drawing the line? Does Alex Jones get a chapter? Obviously the Big Lie is Commandment #1, so Chris Wallace is out, but will you be locking in Lara Logan’s “evolution is a Rothschild-funded hoax” drivel, or are you holding out for something even batshitter?
Didja see that story about how Off-Brand Orbán casually ripped off the poor White House photographer who’d shown the courtesy to refrain from publishing any candid snaps of the U.S. President leering at his own daughter from behind the Resolute desk? And you know there were tons of those. Anyway, turns out Donald Trump is something of a jerk, who knew?
Quick sidebar: the only aspect of the whole Cult45 thing that legitimately confuses me anymore is that anybody anywhere still trusts this cheapest of crooks, or expects loyalty from him. Ask Rudy Giuliani how that worked out. Ask Michael Cohen. Mo Brooks. Hey, ask Mike Pence.
Ask Ted Cruz, because I guess they don’t teach the snake story at Harvard Law. Hey, not to offer unsolicited advice or anything, but live your life so the Washington Post can never publish a deep dive into your simpering, reputation-shredding servitude to a dwindling fascist thug who publicly insulted both your father and your wife.
Actually, Don’t Be Ted Cruz is a fairly solid mantra, sure to serve you well in many, if not most aspects of the human condition, ranging from vacation planning to beard grooming to citizenship generally.
Now, just because we all saw the Brobdingnagian collapse of Little Donnie Dotard’s pitiful Twitter knockoff coming a mile away doesn’t mean we shouldn’t still point and laugh at his latest humiliating failure. Or at Devin Nunes, who gave up a seat in Congress for this short, sharp ride on the Titanic. Golly, and it seemed like such a sure thing.
Oh hey, ODD YARNS finally arrived from the printer, so if you backed the latest comic Kickstarter, I’ll have your books in the mail NEXT WEEK. It’s in Louis DeJoy’s hands at that point, so…good luck.
Ok, that’s more than enough of this shit, I think. Thanks for reading, stay safe out there, and while you’re always invited to buy me a beer if you enjoyed the post, this week, circumstances force me to ask you to pay in rubles, if at all possible.
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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PMNumber of posts: 629
