May 26, 2022

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12-16: My Loudermilkshake Brings All The Boys To The Yard Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12-16: My Loudermilkshake Brings All The Boys To The Yard Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Well we’re finally here – it’s the end of season 12 everybody! And you know what? We had a lot of fun this season – a lot of twists and turns that we weren’t expecting. But we’re coming back for season 13 and 14! After season 14, I don’t know what’s going to happen. Trust us, we will let you know in the meantime. And I also want to address that we won’t be covering the Johnny Depp / Amber Heard trial at least not yet because there’s nothing we can really make fun of. At least for the time being. We might be doing an I Need A Drink about this in one of the Best Of segments, I don’t know. But I must digress that we’re taking time off at an absolutely banner time for conservative idiocy. In fact there’s so much idiocy that I don’t even really know where to begin this week! Do we talk about Madison Cawthorn losing the primaries? Yeah I think that gets a round of applause. Or do we talk about Marjorie Greene going full genocidal maniac? Or Trump calling for civil war on his social media site? Or do we talk about Stella Immanuel claiming that Joe Biden and Bill Gates are dead and their brains were uploaded to the internet and replaced with robots? Yeah that happened! Roll the clip!

https://twitter.com/RightWingWatch/status/1528764758832336896

You know what? Let’s begin with talking about Kandiss Taylor. I’ve mentioned this MAGA cretin before but I seriously want to know where they find these people. I mean holy shit this one is completely off the deep end. And this is coming from the party that’s brought us such winners as Sarah Palin and Herman Cain. So you know what? Roll the clip.

https://twitter.com/RonFilipkowski/status/1528443821293461505

Hoooooooooooooly shit!!!! It’s no mistake that republicans are getting increasingly more violent and hostile with their rhetoric, and Q theories are reaching batshit insane proportions. And this is also appearing on Mike Lindell’s absolute joke of a social media network. That’s a preview of where we are heading for season 13 and even 14 depending on how the midterm elections pan out, everybody! Sleep tight! Because we are in for some dark times ahead! OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he talks about one of the largest sandwich franchises in the world:



Like I said, there was so much idiocy this week that we couldn’t possibly fit it all into 10 measily entries but we’ll do our best! In the top slot this week, that goes to the Conservative Political Action Conference or CPAC (1) because nothing says “America First” and “freedom” like sucking up to far right authoritarian dictators like Viktor Orban! Truly scary stuff out of Hungary this weekend! In the second slot, speaking of scary stuff, after a pair of mass shootings last week – both possible hate crimes – Tucker Carlson (2) and Fox News are in full “move along, nothing to see here!” mode. Funny how their talking points come back to bite them in the ass and then they act like they never said anything! In the number 3 slot this week is a whole bunch of January 6th Insurrection news (3) including the committee subpoenaing Georgia Rep. Loudermilk’s phone records, Ginni Thomas backtracking remarks, and Mike Lindell’s latest batshit remarks plus some dire consequences for insurrectionists! In the number 4 slot this week is our buddy Madison Cawthorn (4) – yes, he finally lost the election and that’s not the only fate facing him, much like the bullies of late 80s kids flicks! Wait until you hear about this one! In the number 5 slot this week is our old buddy Elon Musk (5). Yes, the Tesla and Space X CEO announced that he’s going to vote full MAGA – and that’s after allegations came out about a sexual harassment scandal against him, and trust us – expect plenty more where that came from! In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week our pastor was watching the controversial Netflix documentary “Our Father” and he’s got some thoughts about it, as well as shedding light on the batshit insane Christian cult known as “Quiverfull”! in the number 7 slot this week is a new edition of “This Fucking Guy” (7) and this week we’re profiling Pennsylvania Governor candidate Doug Mastriano (Q – Insurrectionist) and if you think MAGA sure can pick ‘em, well, this may be one of the craziest people they’ve found yet! In the number 8 slot this week is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week, Congress met to hold hearings on UFOs. That’s right with all the problems facing the country right now, Congress is meeting to talk about aliens. And it was about as insane as you might expect! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new People Are Dumb and we’ve got some great People Are Dumb stories for you this week! Finally this week it’s time for the Stupidest State 2022 championship! Yes, all good things must come to an end! Georgia. Tennessee. One of these two states will win it all! Plus to get the post season party started, we’ve got some live music for you from the legendary Silk Sonic! That’s right, Bruno Mars and Anderson Paak will be here! Buy their album “An Evening With Silk Sonic” or you’re no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]CPAC Goes To Budapest
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Nothing says “freedom” like cozying up to one of the most extremist far right authoritarian fascist dictators in the world, does it? Well that’s exactly what happened last week when the annual clusterfuck of conservative idiocy known as the Conservative Political Action Conference held their annual gathering in Budapest, Hungary! That’s right – DC was out. Dallas was out. Chicago was out. New York was out. I guess that’s what happens when the guy who you nominated to be your president spends so much time trashing major cities that he’s banned from all of them because the host venues figured that he would be too toxic. But it’s no secret that America’s right wing LOVES Hungary’s fascist authoritarian prime minister and Vladimir Putin stooge Viktor Orban. In fact his government is basically a blue print of where that movement is heading. And it’s fucking scary. No, just… fucking no. Stop it already. This is one of those things where if you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention! This should be instant campaign ads for anyone running against anyone attending this event.





This is some seriously scary shit here! Don’t boo yet. It’s no secret the direction that Fox News and OAN and Newsmax have American conservatives marching in. If the rest of the country can’t see that this is incredibly dangerous, they are not paying attention! Having the annual CPAC in another country and one that’s known for far right authoritarianism, that is appalling and grotesque. And if you want to know what Orban said – he basically said that republicans need to control the media. That’s of course after he closed off the event to anyone who had press credentials.





This really does feel like the return of the USSR doesn’t it? I’m back in the USSR, you don’t know how lucky you are, boy! OK, I’ll stop that. Of course the guy who literally ruins everything he touches shows up for good measure. You know who I am talking about. It’s like the ultra-conservative wing of the GOP can’t have an event without him showing up. And when I say that he ruins everything, I mean exactly that. Think of like you’re having a dinner party and one guest shows up and destroys the bathroom and then blames it on the dog? Yeah Trump is that guy.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Yeah so Trump could bring up anybody he wanted on stage, so who does he bring up? Literally the worst possible person you could think of – a right wing racist social media troll, which you know the old saying. Trolls of a feather flock together! But here’s the question on everyone’s mind is – why? Why the hell would the right wing have their annual conference in another nation and one with such a fascist authoritarian dictator who’s been undermining democracy with every single election since he’s been in power? Well, that’s where they are heading!






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[font size="8"]Gun Nut Apologists
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God damn it. Just… god damn it. I don’t really know what else to say here. This is supposed to be a comedy show, but I feel like we’re living in a horror movie. Just as we were putting together this week’s edition, we have yet another shooting at a fucking school. Have we not learned anything? No, of course we haven’t. As long as the trifecta of fucking idiots in Texas is in charge – yes, those gun humping, Fox addicted lunatics Greg Abbott, Ken Paxton, and Dan Patrick. They are literally blaming everything but the guns, it’s truly insane what is happening and what they are doing. Seriously, it’s like we’re living the plot of “Don’t Look Up” but replace a giant asteroid with guns. I apologize in advance for the profanity that is about to fly in this entry, because I’m seriously that angry about the events of last week. And never mind that I had some MAGA shithead on Twitter tell me that it was a false flag like the day it happened (who was then immediately blocked and reported). Which brings me to Tucker Carlson, who we already knew was partly responsible for the events that unfolded in Buffalo last week. Seriously, Tucker, there is a special place in hell for you when you get there. And don’t think I am forgetting about Sean Hannity either. These two are utterly disgusting and a huge part of why the gun problem is so raging out of control in this county. But don’t think we’re letting Tucker get away with this one!





Yeah that’s the thing about gun nuts – they think they’re toys. They’re not! And that’s why no matter how many mass shootings we have, no matter where the location, and what the situation, there will always be people defending their precious kill toys. Much in the same way that Gollum wants his precious ring even though its’ caused so much death and destruction. And time and time again, fuck heads like Tucker Carlson and Arizona’s Wendy Rogers keep pushing the narrative that these shootings are false flags! Tell that to the families of the dead, you morons!





That’s exactly how I feel right now – you can’t argue with stupid. You can’t argue with fucking morons like Ken Paxton, the attorney general of Texas who said after the 2018 El Paso shooting that schools had “too many exits” (see: Idiots #4-19 ). Yes, that was their solution! They might as well hve come out and said "we got nothing". At least they'd be honest! But watch in the next few weeks - conservatives will literally blame anything but the gun. And they will keep making excuse after excuse to keep their precious kill toys. I mean that was the last time we had to cover a mass shooting like that, and inexplicably, this fuckhead Ken Paxton keeps getting reelected! Texas, what the ever-loving fuck is wrong with you? Keep voting with your guns and listening to Fox News dipshits, you’re only digging your own graves here.





That’s the most infuriating thing about this – people want change in this country and we’re actually demanding it. But the same fuckheads like Ken Paxton and Greg Abbott keep getting reelected because conservatives vote on two issues – their wallets and their guns. They don’t give a shit about anything else. Which is why we’ll be repeating this cycle with a different location and a different day sometime next week or next month. I don’t know. Thanks to the NRA, we’re all sitting ducks. But this should serve as a reminder – fuck conspiracy theorists.






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[font size="8"]January 6th Insurrectionists
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You know we’ve been following the developments of the Committee To Investigate The Events Of January 6th since its’ inception. Now they are close to confirming something that we’ve all suspected – it was an inside job. And we’ve especially been following what’s been going on with insurrectionist and TP USA fan Ginni Thomas. But now things are getting way too real. In fact here’s one of the most puzzling questions about the attack so far that no one has been able to really answer. What the fuck were Congressional representatives doing giving tours of the halls of Congress to people on January 5th, when the whole rest of the world was shut down because of COVID? Like seriously, what the fuck? Well now they might have an answer in the form of Rep. Barry Loudermilk (Q – Insurrectionist). Oh come on, we have to do it for this one. My Loudermilkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and damn right, it’s better than yours! Damn right, it’s better than yours! I could teach you, but I’d have to charge! OK thank you audience! I got that out of my system. But of course the GOP is changing their tune on what really happened on and before January 6th. In fact they’re in full on “nothing to see here” mode. Nothing to see here everybody, just a bunch of angry republicans threatening to overthrow the government and murder the vice president. Move along!





Well OK I got that out of my system. There is some good news though is that the tables are finally starting to be turned on these election denying lunatics. Enter our old buddy, creepy pillow man Mike Lindell. While the MAGA lunatics are tying up the courts over some frivolous and extremely petty lawsuits, the courts are finally fighting back against these abuses! And talk about throwing shit to the wall until something sticks – he wants to file lawsuits in all 50 states! Yeah, good luck with that! Also, Lindell has been talking so much shit about Smartmatic, that the judges have finally had enough!





Thank you, Nelson! And by the way, what kind of fucked up news media do we have that is completely ignoring the fact that the wife of a SITTING SUPREME COURT justice aided and abetted batshit insane theories about the election and her husband sat in on cases that pertained to the election? Just… AHHHH!!!! Why isn’t this like national fucking news? Oh that’s right because we still have mass shooting after mass shooting making the front page. But really this is why you need to read the back pages of the newspaper everybody – something sinister might be lurking around the corner!





Good question, sir! But there is also some more good news that the tide is starting to turn against these lunatics. And that is participating in the insurrection can be dangerous to your political career. We already saw what happened last week when Madison Cawthorn (Q – Insurrectionist) got unseated in the NC-14 primary. But now they’re coming for other members of the Q party including Marjorie Taylor Greene, Paul Gosar, and Andy Biggs. But don’t think there aren’t more where that is coming from! So January 6th was an inside job after all!






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[font size="8"]Madison Cawthorn
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Come on, everyone, sing it with me! Another one bites the dust! Another one bites the dust! And another one on, and another on, another one bites the dust! Oh come on, Madison Cawthorn (Q – Batshit) admitted that he used his wheelchair to move weapons for the MAGA insurrectionists on January 6th! So please excuse me while I engage in a bit of schadenfreude with this entry! You know here’s the thing – last week we pointed out that the GOP was so desperate to get rid of him that they would have literally gone to any tremendous lengths to get rid of this guy. And come on, who was the person who leaked his sex tape to the media? Come on, ‘fess up! But that said, you know like those cheesy middle / high school movies from the late 80s / early 90s where the bullied kid winds up getting his revenge on the bully and then the bully winds up getting humiliated in the worst way possible? Well, that’s what schadenfreude is for you. And I am loving literally every second of this. Because, really, fuck that guy.





Thank you Nelson! So come on, NC-14! What was the final straw? Was it the sex tape? Was it when he admitted that DC was like House Of Cards? Was it when he admitted that he used his wheelchair to move weapons in the Capitol Insurrection? Well, we may never know. What we do know is that we got rid of at least one MAGA cretin. But this is where the bully gets his just deserts – not only did Mr. Cawthorn lose the primaries badly, he’s currently under investigation by the GOP! Did he reveal too much about DC orgies? I hear the cult doesn’t like that sort of thing.





Yeah maybe he had an independent thought. But you never go against the cult! Think of it like legalized gambling – you never bet against the house. Because the house always wins! Madison made that cardinal mistake of betting against the house. And since the GOP owns most of the media, they used that against him pretty quickly! This is like when the bully gets his just deserts. So now how was the GOP able to pull off this one and sink the incumbent? Because that rarely happens!





Ha ha ha ha, what a loser!!! And yeah you know what? I totally forgot about that LGB Bitcoin cryptocurrency scam! You know I really got to find a way to make money off the MAGA crowd – they fall for this shit time and time again! And not only do we have all of these things adding up to a perfect storm for Madison, he’s also got a sexual harassment claim against him! So yeah add all of these things up and it really is like those movies that I used to watch as a kid! This is freaking hilarious! Now let’s go after Marjorie Taylor Greene next!






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[font size="8"]Elon Musk
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So our old buddy Elon Musk is unfortunately back in the news. You know him best as the CEO of Tesla and Space X. Well, he’s been having what one might call “a bit of a week”. His attempt to buy Twitter and turn it into some kind of far right utopia where anyone could say anything they wanted without fear of getting banned or block was met with some extreme backlash to the point where the deal was put “on hold”. That’s right – we won! For now! In fact the deal was so toxic that notoriously toxic far right Texas governor Greg Abbott deleted a tweet that supported Musk’s bid to purchase Twitter. Hey Abbott, you don’t want to be pegged as controversial? How about this? Maybe don’t support these insurrectionist losers! Because you know what they say – silence means that you’re complicit, so yeah your silence is deafening here.





Yeah all of the facepalms! Oh and don’t worry, we’ll get to the sexual harassment claims in a minute – but first we have to talk about who Elon is voting for! It’s no secret that Elon has gone full Red Pill Truther, which we translate to “batshit crazy conspiracy theorist”, and was also denounced by the creator of the Matrix herself, Lilly Wachowski. So yeah which, of course you know how the old saying goes – pussy grabbers of a feather flock together!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Fuck that guy! You have a choice in politics and you choose the most toxic brand of far right politics imaginable? That’s pretty lame, Elon. So yeah now that I got that off my chest, we have to talk about Elon’s expensive new suit – his sexual harassment suit! You think that maybe this guy might be too toxic to run a social media network? Yeah, just like Zuckerberg, let’s put social media in the hands of the most socially awkward people possible. What could possibly go wrong there?





Seriously, I can’t even… of course he denies the claims. Just like a good republican who has committed sexual harassment or some kind of other unspeakable crime. But the question is how bad could things get for Elon? Well obviously they have to go there and paint the accuser as a whackjob, which is step number one in male sexual harasser rehabilitation. But in terms of this current accusation against him, I’d definitely rate this between a Louis CK and a Harvey Weinstein. We’ll see – we’ll see how many harassment claims there are before we up that claim! And with his money, who knows how many people he’s paid to keep quiet? But move along, nothing to see here!






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, we live in some strange and bizarre times. And since the leak of the ruling about to overturn the Roe V. Wade ruling, something has been troubling me about my brothers and sisters on the right. They’re cooking up something very disturbing. But before we get into that, I want to talk about a documentary on Netflix that I happened to catch during the last week, because it was out there. The movie was called “Our Father”, and it sheds quite a bit of light on the topic of the sermon that we’re going to be discussing this week. The thing about this movie is that it’s a bit weird but it sheds some light on a very important subject. See, I had no idea of how deep the abuse in the Catholic Church goes, and they’re the ones trying to rewrite the laws on abortion and forced birth, and if that leak were to go into law, things will get extremely dangerous for women and minorities in this country. Which is why I was so interested in this subject to begin with. It’s scary out there.





Yes, he does walk among us! But this is totally insane. It’s not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want now, is it? No he wouldn’t want these abusive psychos smearing his good name, or hurling abuse in the name of GAWD! Which brings me to something that has been intriguing and troubling me lately. It was brought to light to me by one of our parishoners in upstate New York. There’s a movement afoot – again with people abusing the name of the good LAWRD JAYSUS – where people are attempting to have as many babies as they possibly can. This movement is called “Quiverfull” and it’s as disturbing as you might think it is!





Yes, think of the children! Why doesn’t somebody else PLEASE think of the children! I mean isn’t that what the LAWRD would want is it? Of course not! Did anybody ever see that movie from a couple years ago - Mad Max: Fury Road ? Remember how disturbing that opening scene was where women were forced to do the bidding of a mad man? That’s where this movement is headed! It’s a very disturbing and EVIL movement! And it will have dire consequences if it is allowed to continue!





Well that’s not the subject this week, now is it? But I’ve been deeply fascinated and also disturbed by this movement. Especially when you consider the fact that it’s got fans and celebrities who are procreating as much as humanly possible. In fact, reggae legend Bob Marley once stated that he’d like to have as many kids as there are rays of the sun. And even Chris Pratt is a fan of this movement. But I must digress. This is a real movement and there are real consequences for believing in something so off the wall batshit extreme!





Holy shit, folks! This one got pretty dark pretty fast! Well that’s it! We’re officially at the end of the season, everybody! We’re going to take a break but we’ll be back on July 21st. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this season for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Doug Mastriano
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is the GOP Pennsylvania candidate for governor Doug Mastriano (Q – Insurrectionist). That’s right – the newest candidate for a position of actual power participated in the January 6th Insurrection. In case you’re wondering what his MAGA credentials are, he’s one of those guys when you look at them, you can shake your head with disgust and say “Where the hell did they find this guy?”. Well, I will answer you. He wholeheartedly supports Trump’s efforts to overturn the 2020 election and a complete and total ban on abortion, much like another candidate – this fucking guy Herschel Walker. His Facebook page is also filled to the brim with some absolutely batshit theories of what’s happening in the world today. Which of course is what attracted Mr. MAGA King Emperor Donald Trump to his cause. And also in case you were wondering, yes, the field of pro MAGA candidates is only going to get crazier and more extreme with each election from now on.





Yup – that’s all it takes to rack up endorsements from the MAGA crowd. And when you have people like Michael Flynn and Roger Stone on your side, well, it’s pretty much a given that you’re a MAG A / Q conspiracy theory nutjob. Oh and it gets worse, so much worse! In fact pretty much Mr. Mastriano’s entire campaign is being built on election disinformation. Much like that crazy woman Kandiss Taylor that we discussed earlier. Yeah these are the people who we will have to deal with. Even worse is that the Stop The Steal people are now running for office. Scary times ahead!





Gee… ya think? But here’s the thing – Trump has the MAGA world tied up between supporting election denier Doug Mastriano and reality denier Dr. Mehmet Oz. And of course Trump picks the most incompetent buffoons who could ever possibly be nominated for any kind of office to run. Which is why Mastriano is perfect for the job! And if you can imagine that he’s about as far right as it gets, you are definitely correct in that assumption! Oh by the way – one of his nuttier stances? He thinks everyone registered to vote should have to reregister! Gee, how many ways could that go wrong?





Yes, what could possibly go wrong? That is a good question! And come on, too extreme? This from the party who gave us the most foul, miserable, vile, and worthless excuse of a human being to become president in American history? Yeah keep talking about extremism guys. We’re eventually heading toward a country where everyone has guns and nobody has access to abortion. Because… you know, priorities! But that said there is one plus side is that the GOP race for Pennsylvania governor is a crowded one, and nobody sticks out of the pack. And we might, just might, dodge a bullet by not having fucking Dr. Oz in the senate.





That’s your GOP front runner for a gubernatorial position, everybody! He spouts conspiracy theories, sucks up to a wannabe dictator, and really hates trans people! That’s Doug Mastriano, this week’s:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner: Aliens Exist!
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Welcome back to our segment where we attempt to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! In these trying times, when we have a brewing war and a raging pandemic, now a possible civil war, people often turn to conspiracy theories when they just don’t want to read past the headlines. We are of course coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter deep in the New Mexico badlands! In an undisclosed location of course! Let me just adjust my tin foil hat for maximum government interference… they are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all… ah there we go! So this week, with all the problems going on in the world – war, pandemic, poverty, record inflation , Congress chose to devote an entire day to discussing the one topic that’s on everyone’s minds – do aliens exist? Come on, was Tom DeLonge headlining the keynote speakers here? Oh come on, we kid! We know that Tom is an avid UFO conspiracy theorist! But it’s truly insane that this is what Congress chooses to waste time on, no wonder they have ridiculously low approval ratings!





So come on, unexplained ariel phenomenon? That could literally be anything. It could be an experimental airplane. It could be chemtrails. It could be the lizard people. You don’t know, man, you don’t know! But that said is the truth really out there? There’s only one real explanation for all of this, and of course there is. I’m not saying that it’s UFOs, but it’s UFOs. But I love that it’s attempting to dispel disinformation, like what President Biden is attempting to do. Alas, it’s too late for that, but you can’t blame them for trying! Or can you?





Oh come on, aliens exist! If there’s anything that I learned from my high school years, it’s that Blink 182 taught me that!



But here’s where it gets weird – and you knew that it was going to. But before we get into that, have you seen the Space Force recruitment video? Whew, man it is something else. Roll that tape.



Stay on target! Stay on target! OK I’m getting off topic here, but I am making a point – Space Force might have had something to do with that hearing on UFOs and the unexplained aerial phenomenon that Congress doesn’t have a clue what it is. And you know what? We don’t either! But that’s exactly what they want you to think!





Oh come on, is the truth out there? I’m asking for my many fans of aliens and alien conspiracies! In fact remember in the before times when the worst thing we had to worry about was when people wanted to storm the Rosewell military base that many believe to be known as Area 51 (see: Top 10 #7-6 and Top 10 #8-16 ) ? That was just a mere 3 years ago but it feels like an eternity. But the reason why they had those hearings – the truth may actually be out there! Yes, that’s right, my friends – the reason why Congress held these hearings is because there’s now 400 reported incidents! That’s right – our good friend Tom DeLonge might actually be right about this!








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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb! I want to preface this segment by saying that we’re not going to cover the Trucker Freedom Convoy because everyone knows they’re dumb and we really try not to include political segments. And what makes a people are dumb story? Well let’s put it this way – someone who robs a Taco Bell? Not People Are Dumb worthy. But someone who destroys a Taco Bell and then calls 911 because they ran out of Nacho Cheese Doritos Tacos? Yeah that does thousands of dollars of damage for an item that costs 99 cents, and that’s a People Are Dumb story! So who’s stupid this week? I want to start with tis story out of Belfast, Maine where a guy attempted to hide from the cops in plain sight. So wannabe thieves, take note – attempting to disguise yourself as a chair? Not a way to hide from the cops.





Next up – I want to go to Minnesota for this one. Here’s the thing – again another idiot attempting to flee from the cops. And if you’re going to flee, it’s never a good idea to drive directly into a brick wall, because we all know that the brick wall is going to win 10 times out of 10, right? It’s simple physics, don’t you know? Maybe unless you’re driving that insane armored tank that Alex Jones has. But yeah this happened, and don’t be like this, kids. Just don’t.





Next up – we have to do this story out of West Virginia. OK I don’t do the hyper caffeinated beverages like Monster or Rockstar or Mountain Dew voltage. In fact the last time I had a Red Bull was like 10 years ago. And I was drunk. That said, this is a truly bizarre robbery that took place at a business, and I’m guessing that one of these things wouldn’t exist without the other. And I do know that after you drink those beverages, when you gotta go, you gotta go!





Next up – now we go to the Sunshine State, that’s the state of Florida, don’t you know? Because Florida never fails to bring the crazy each and every week. We have to talk about this story out of the town of Englewood (not to be confused with Inglewood, California). And this is one of those stories that has everything! It’s got a sledgehammer, ape masks, a janky getaway car – you know, everything. And that’s why I always love to cover the batshit insane stories that come out of Florida!





Finally this week – golf! Yes, there is nothing that is spared from the throws of stupidity. And of course it also involves Florida. You know, the state that Homer Simpson famously referred to as “America’s Wang”. There’s plenty of places where you can practice your swing. But maybe don’t practice your swing off the side of a major interstate highway! No matter how tempting it might be! Just one of those things – if you’re thinking about doing this, don’t. But then again there’s no limit to the stupidity of the residents of the Sunshine State!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2022
[br] [/font] [br]

16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



It. All. Comes. Down. To. THIS!!! Here we are at the championship, folks! Whew, and what a ride it has been! Last week, it was a Final Four for the ages. In the Layover League championship, Georgia towered over all contenders to become the league’s newest champion! Meanwhile, some absolutely shocking developments in the Layover League as Tennessee stunned Missouri with that epic comeback in the second half to take the conference championship! This week it’s time for our tournament’s grand finale! Tennessee. Georgia. One of these two states will win it all and the other will go home! Who will tower above the rest? We are live at the former home of the Los Angeles Lakers, the fabulous Kia Forum in Inglewood for all the festivities! The champagne is on ice, people!

[font size="4"]Stupidest State 2022 Championship: Georgia Vs Tennessee [/font]

[font size="2"]Georgia [/font]

Well folks, the Peach State has towered over the competition! And you want to know why? Well they’re led by Brian Kemp and now they have Marjorie Taylor Greene. But the MAGA crowd that is running Georgia is about to be getting even bigger with Herschel Walker. That’s right – the MAGA crowd sure can pick them and it’s totally insane that this guy even has a chance! But it’s like – put a whole bunch of evil people in the same room – how can someone be more evil than the next guy? Well that happened at Mr. Walker’s victory party!





Yeah they were fucking booing a president who was expressing remorse over 3rd graders getting shot, and then cheered when Tucker Carlson called Biden “frail”! What a bunch of fucking assholes and psychopaths! That’s a new low. And by the way, since the leak on the Roe V Wade ruling that could totally change the face of America as we know it, Georgia is doubling down on abortion laws and making things worse. Yes, they are actively making things a hell of a lot worse.





Now you might be wondering – are things going to get any better in the Peach State? The short answer is easy – no. The longer answer is that it’s going to be more complicated than that. But we do have potential Georgia governor Stacy Abrhams, savior of the 2020 election, to explain why it’s not going to get any better anytime soon. And who can you blame for it? Well you can blame the usual group of idiots running things and your MAGA voting neighbors.





[font size="2"]Tennessee [/font]

The Volunteer State propelled to the top of the Flyover League because they are a hotbed of conservative idiocy and religious insanity. The state capital, Nashville, may be the home of what many refer to as Music City, and that’s primarily because it’s the home of country music and a little venue known as the Grand Ole Opry. But outside of Nashville’s outer beauty, there’s a hell of a lot of inner ugly. But what propelled Tennessee to the top of the Layover League is they are the ass part of the Bible Belt and there’s a lot of religious insanity in that state. In fact Tennessee is so insane that they actually want to burn books – not just ban them! I’ve seen where this story goes and it never ends well.





Holy shit! And we have no doubt that the GOP and the Christian fascists will go full Nazi if they win in the 2024 elections. This is just a small preview of where that party is heading! And here’s how backwards Tennessee is – there’s a county in Tennessee where the director of the board of education doesn’t have to have a degree in education! Yes, apparently anyone can be elected for anything! It’s just a title, so who cares what the actual job entitles? It is criminally insane how much conservatives are taking this country backwards. And Fox News will cheerlead their every move!





That’s right – in Tennessee, the director of education doesn’t have to have any formal education experience! Just…. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! And you know how far backwards conservatives are taking the Volunteer State? They’re bringing the Confederacy back! That’s right – the people who we once branded as traitors after the Civil War are now becoming fashionable again! So yeah keep voting conservative folks and watch how far off the deep end your state can go! Tennessee is dragging neighboring states with them, it’s almost like a vortex!





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Wow, this was an incredible matchup! Georgia and Tennessee were tied at 80 with 2 minutes left in the game, but it’s been a back and forth defensive battle. Tennessee has the ball… for three!! YES!!! Oh we have a foul! First basket is in… good! Second basket…. It’s in! Tennessee has pulled it out, but Georgia is coming back. Score tied at 85 with 15 seconds left… Tennessee for three… IT’S GOOD!!! Tennessee has nailed it, folks! They have won the game and they are celebrating on the court! Wow, what a shot! It’s all over, everybody! Final score: 88 – 85! Tennessee is celebrating on the court, they are our new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!





[font size="4"]Net Cutting Ceremony [/font]





[font size="4"]Statement From The Commissioner [/font]

Thank you very much everybody! I’d like to congratulate Tennessee on becoming the new champions of the NFFSA! They defied the odds and stunned the pundits with their Flyover League win against rivals Missouri! That was a truly outstanding effort! Tennessee, you are a shining example of conservative idiocy, religious intolerance, and hateful bigotry! I’d like to thank all the staff, the venues, the crews, and the players and coaches! Tennessee, you guys earned this one! We’ll see you next year! Now let’s sing that song that we all know and love!



[font size="4"]One Shining Moment [/font]





[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Silk Sonic[/font]

Folks, let’s get this post season party started! My next guest are probably the biggest group we’ve had on the show to date. You can see them live at their residency at Dolby Theater in Las Vegas through August 23rd. Playing their song “777” from their album “An Evening With Silk Sonic”, give it up for Anderson Paak and Bruno Mars – it’s Silk Sonic!!!



Thank you Santa Ana! This is it – this is the end of Season 12, everybody! Boy did that fly by fast, didn’t it? I want to thank my staff, my crew, all of our host venues, and of course all of the musical guests we’ve had through this entire season. We’re going to take a few weeks off, but don’t worry – we’ll have plenty of content between now and when we come back. We’ll be returning July 21st with the start of our World Tour 2022 and Midterm Madness! See everyone in July!

Credits

Host: Initech
Silk Sonic Appears Courtesy Of: Atlantic Recording Corporation
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Constellation Room at Observatory OC, Santa Ana, California
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

May 19, 2022

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12-15: Abortion Contortion, What's Your Distortion? Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12-15: Abortion Contortion, What’s Your Distortion? Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yo, what’s up, Santa Ana? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! This is our next to last Top 10 of season 12! Now , now. it’s been fun – we’re back out touring, we’ve been to a large part of the country, supporting our favorite venues. But now we’re back for the Stupidest State 2022 finale! And don’t worry – we’ve got plenty of awesome things planned for season 13 including the return of our World Tour 2022! And don’t worry, we haven’t forgot about the midterms, either! We will definitely be covering as much of that as possible. Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! So we’ve all had an ass full of Elon Musk preparing to buy Twitter, haven’t we? And thank fucking god this deal went up in smoke so I don’t have to keep talking about it. It was very poorly thought out. But there was one person who was interested in buying Twitter that I actually could get behind – Snoop Dogg! You know what? Fuck it, I want a world where Snoop Dogg is president. Could you imagine? Marijuana would not only be legalized, it would be mandatory! A dispensary inside SoFi Stadium? Please! Come on, everyone would be too stoned to want to fight each other, and isn’t that what this is all about? I want that world! Come on, Snoop! Snoop a loop! OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to!



Well, we had plans to make the whole edition about Justice Alito and the possible overturning of Roe V Wade, but my producers said no. So in the number one slot this week we have to talk about the unfortunately terrible situation in Buffalo, New York but our old friend Tucker Carlson (1) is in some seriously deep shit after the killer wrote a manifesto spewing Tucker’s “white replacement” white supremacist theory. At slot #2 this week is the Mystery Leaker (1)! Who was it? Many are pointing fingers at Ginny Thomas as a way of getting the headlines of her involvement in January 6th off of front page news. But in the second slot, what’s the GOP’s ultimate end game with overturning Roe (3)? I got news for ya – they don’t plan on stopping at Roe, they’ve got more up their sleeve, and who’s going to stop them if they get back in power? We’re in for dangerous times ahead! In the number 4 slot this week is our old buddy Ron DeSantis (4), who’s actually doubled down in his attacks on Disney and guess who’s showing up to protest? That’s right – the same neo Nazi idiot truckers who threatened to shut down the Capitol. I can’t even. In the number 5 slot this week is Alex Jones (5)! Yes, the mad man of Infowars has a sad because he’s going bankrupt from lawsuits and nobody is buying the Infowars horseshit anymore, so what’s a megalomaniac to do? Buy our crap or the enemy wins!!! Taking the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week, our resident pastor is once again tackling the subject of white nationalism, and it’s aimed at batshit crazy Texas representative candidate Janet Porter (Q – Batshit) and whew, where do they find these crazy people? And speaking of Q nuts, in the number 7 slot this week we add Missouri Senator Josh Hawley (Q – Insurrectionist) to the ever-growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected (7). In the number 8 slot this week is a new Conspiracy Corner (8)! So I’m sure by now you have heard about the crippling baby food shortage and there’s some insane theories floating out there, but of course the right has absolutely no idea what they are talking about! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we have a new “I Need A Drink” – both GOOP’s Gwyneth Paltrow and Succession’s James Cromwell staged some absolutely bonkers protests this week, but with all the problems in the world, these are the hills that they are choosing to die on? FML. Finally it’s time for Stupidest State 2022 (10)! We’re in the home stretch people – it’s the Final Four! Georgia. Nebraska. Tennessee. Missouri. One of these states will win it all and become our new Stupidest State! Plus to cap things off, we have a performance from one of my favorite metal bands, Deftones are stopping by! Buy their album “Ohms” or you are no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Tucker Carlson
[br] [/font] [br]

You know we had a much different first entry planned for this week. But then a shooter shot up a supermarket in Buffalo. And of course the shooter is a white guy who took a semiautomatic weapon to a supermarket in a primarily black neighborhood. The shooter posted a manifesto echoing something called “white replacement theory” and even painted the #14 on his gun – a nod to the white supremacist “14 words” slogan. So where am I going with this? All of this – the shooting, the racist manifesto, can be traced back to our old buddy Tucker Carlson. It’s no secret that racists *LOVE* Tucker Carlson’s show. In fact even John Oliver pointed out that racists watch his show to both be entertained and to learn from it. So now Tucker’s racist rhetoric has finally got people killed. Come on, you knew it was going to happen.





Nothing to see here – just a white guy with a semiautomatic shooting up a black supermarket. And of course if Kyle Rittenhouse is any indication, this guy will get off scot free if the judge likes the same cable news programs he does. Seriously, Fox News ruins everything they touch. And it’s not by accident – a lot of it is on purpose and with malicious intent. But hey, they’re an “entertainment network”. Because they care about you. And they care about life. Ah who am I kidding? I’m delirious! Of course they don’t care about you. They only care about ratings and profit.





And of course Fox News is in full blown “nothing to see here” mode. Everything is always someone else’s fault with these cretins. Or it didn’t happen. Or it’s a false flag. That’s right – it didn’t take long for the MAGA crowd to go full Alex Jones on this one and claim that it’s a false flag. Everything is a false flag. I mean they’ve said that term so many times that it’s lost all meaning. And here’s the thing, MAGAs, if you don’t want to be under investigation for saying stupid shit, then maybe, I don’t know, don’t say stupid shit?





Ah, but Sen. Steele, I must digress – have you been following the MAGA movement for the last five years like I have? That’s all they are here for is to make racist comments and to “own the libs”. Well now the concept of “owning the libs” is literally getting people killed. We may have to do a profile on Wendy Rodgers because whew, this woman is fucking insane. But the good news is that we can rule out the idea that crisis actors were used. I mean come on, did we really need a fact check on this one? I could see this coming a mile away!






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[font size="8"]The Supreme Court
[br] [/font] [br]

Well they finally did it. Those fuckheads in the Christian right got what they have been after for the last 50 years and the 50 years of sheer, unadulterated hell that they have put us through, and their imbecilic and dehumanizing policies, and rah rah flag waving and name callingto get their grand fucking prize. I am That is the overturning of the Supreme Court decision known as Roe V. Wade. Yup, in a leaked document to the website Politico, Justice Alito confirmed what we have all been dreading – the court is going to overturn it. And that’s after the MAGA GQP nominated a crazy drunken frat boy and a deranged Catholic cultist and stacked the court in their favor. We knew that when Ruth Bader Ginsburg died in 2020, that something really bad was coming. Well that something is here, and if you think it’s bad now, you ain’t seen nothing yet, guys! You know, for this piece why don’t we channel our inner School House Rock, shall we?





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! So if we’re channeling our inner School House Rock here, Abortion Contortion, What’s Your Distortion? And the answer to that is… I don’t know. But that aside, there’s a lot of speculation as to who the mystery leaker is. So my fair audience, why don’t we play the hot new game, shall we? WHO WAS THE MYSTERY SCOTUS LEAKER? Well, it has to be someone well connected to the justices who decide the supreme law of the land, and it has to be someone holding a grudge. So behind door #1…





No, a whammy!!!!!!!!!! So that didn’t help anything. Could it be someone who is connected to Chief Justice Roberts? Well it’s a possibility. Could it be Ginny Thomas, the MAGA loving wife of Clarence Thomas? That’s a more likely possibility especially given that the January 6th committee is given to meet soon and someone is desperate to get her name out of the headlines! But never fear, Newsmax is on the case! Quick, to the MAGA mobile!





Come on, stop with the whammys already! So of course the MAGAs really do live on an alternate plane of existence. I wish they would just go to there and leave us who live in the real world alone. These morons really do ruin everything they touch. And if you were confused verging on angry before, wait until you see the investigation that the supreme court is conducting! And why bother? It will just come back inconclusive as a matter of protecting someone’s ass. But who’s ass? Well, that’s a mystery.






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[font size="8"]The GOP
[br] [/font] [br]

So we’ve attempted to find who the mystery SCOTUS leaker was, and just like you, we’re completely clueless about what’s really going on. Now the other question we have besides “who is the mystery leaker?” is “What’s next?”. That is also another question that we do not have a single clue about and we can’t answer that either. Because ever since the news broke last week, and considering everything that’s going on this year, it feels like a fucking eternity ago, the speculations about what’s going to happen next have been running wild. Come on, people! Let’s get a fucking grip here. SCOTUS hasn’t even ruled on whether or not Roe V Wade will be overturned. It’s just one man’s opinion here. We got to keep our composure, people! We got to keep our composure! But that said, we can’t keep acting like the inevitable is going to happen. The Christian right have been having their way for far too long. It’s not like they can just overturn Roe V Wade and move on. Oh no. In fact they plan on taking us back to the stone ages. Maybe even further than that.





Oh don’t boo just yet. it gets worse. So much worse. So if the hammer comes down on Roe, you can imagine that they won’t be hesitant to swing the hammer down on such other verdicts like Obergefell, Griswold, hell even Brown V Board Of Education! Did I say Obergefell? Oh that’s right, ha ha ha ha , that’s next week’s outrage. We’re about to go on our summer break and I swear every time we have gone on a break lately something bad happens. 2020, we go on break? Pandemic. 2021 we go on break, insurrection! 2022, we go on break? War and now the end of Roe! What’s next on their shitty agenda?





Yeah now you can boo! Really, fuck the Christian right and the MAGA insurrectionists. These people are leeches. And they destroy practically everything they touch. At least there still will be states where abortion is permitted. But they will be few and far between. And yes, even those evil “leftist” states like my home state of California will be where it happens. But you know what? If the Christian right doesn’t like it, they can kindly fuck right off. And the door is that way. But it’s truly insane what they have brought on and it will be interesting to see where this takes the midterms.





But like I said – we have often underestimated the MAGA crowd at every turn. What we do know is that they are loud. They are vicious. They are angry. And they have a gargantuan propaganda network that supports their every move. But what are they angry about? That is still a mystery. Hell they had 5 years of a president with a controlling stake in Congress and the Senate and they got 3 SCOTUS picks, and they were STILL angry! So yeah this is definitely going to get worse before it gets better.





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[font size="8"]Ron DeSantis & Josh Hawley
[br] [/font] [br]

Well, the fight between the GOP and Disney because Disney was mean to Florida Man Ron DeSantis (Q – Batshit) over the dehumanizing Don’t Say Gay Bill isn’t going away any time soon. In fact, DeSantis and GQP senator Josh Hawley (Q – Insurrectionist) have upped the ante. So the last couple of weeks, we have talked about what a complete fiscal disaster the Florida state takeover of the special Disney district known as “Reedy Creek” is going to be. And we’ve only begun to scratch the surface of what the financial implications for the residents of nearby Orlando counties are going to be. And the really sad and scary thing is that if they’re red counties, they probably don’t care. In fact they’re probably egging on DeSantis. So yeah imagine going broke to own the libs. That is where the MAGA crowd is at in 2022, and they’ll eat the cost – as long as it makes you miserable.



v

Oh and don’t think that the MAGAs are done punishing Disney for having an independent thought that goes against the cult. They’re not just punishing Disney – they’re in the “thank you sir, may I have another” phase of the punishment process. Because they’re a bunch of sadists, that’s why. It’s not enough to have an independent thought. But if you go against the MAGA cult, they’ll keep punishing you until you eventually cave. These people are truly sick and disturbed. And once again, we have Fox News hosts to thank for this bullshit.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Fuck Josh Hawley and Ron DeSantis. You know the next time your conservative friends and relatives start blasting “cancel culture”, then just show them what is happening to Disney. Then maybe they’ll shut up. Ah, who am I kidding? Nothing will get these idiots to shut up, nothing. Although there is some good news – and I love this angle of the story – is that Disney is actually more popular than Ron DeSantis is! You know what they say – you can take away a man’s job and his title, but you can’t take away their fans! Is that a saying? Well let’s say it is.





I kind of want to see Mickey Mouse get vengeance this way! But if you think we’ve heard the last of this, oh boy are you wrong! Ha ha! In fact this fight is just getting started! So Ron DeSantis thinks he can screw over Disney, but did he ever stop to think of his own citizens? Of course not. Because in this day and age, facts don’t matter. Only unfiltered and uncensored outrage does! So while Fox News may be done with their outrage du jour, they haven’t met the likes of the Orlando residents yet. Yeah they forget that democrats live in Florida too!






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[font size="8"]Alex Jones
[br] [/font] [br]

Another man who is practically synonymous with the reason why we can’t have nice things – Alex Jones is unfortunately back in the news. You know here’s the thing – it’s one thing to command an army of loyal supporters. It’s another thing to actually get people to buy your shit. Especially when you get into the business of “miracle cures” and protein supplements the way that Jones has. Allow me to lay down some knowledge here – there ain’t no such thing as a “miracle cure”! And things like bone broth may be overhyped to death by gym owners who apparently failed science class because they were too busy working out, so there’s also that. Oh yeah and did I mention the fact that he’s currently tangled up in a massive civil suit by the parents of the Sandy Hook tragedy? So yeah combine that with poor sales and you’ve got basically a recipe for going broke. I mean come on, being a pissed off out of shape conspiracy loving megalomaniac isn’t easy!





You know I’ve always wondered – who is the enemy that Alex Jones claims to be fighting? And you know what, who is the enemy? Let us know in the comments! But here’s how desperate things are getting for MAGA insurrectionists – between Alex Jones holding an “emergency blow out sale” of Infowars crap to Mike Lindell creating a 24 hour internet site to hawk his terrible pillows – it’s getting really bad. And I’m not even going to mention insurrectionist Madison Cawthorn’s loss this week – oh no, we’re saving that for next week! But yeah, Alex Jones is getting to the “everything must go!” point.





I have no idea what’s for sale at the Infowars store but for some reason I really do want to see a straw cowboy hat with the Infowars logo printed on it. Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Thanks, graphics department! But you know there’s desperate times in the MAGA world right now. And you know what the old saying is – desperate times call for desperate measures! When the MAGA world gets desperate, what do they do in response? They crank the hyperbole way past 11! That’s exactly what Mr. Jones is doing here – nobody is buying his shit, so he’s yelling even louder into his echo chamber.





Ha ha ha ha ha… excuse me a minute. I’m seriously convinced that you could sell just about anything to this crowd if you put the word “tactical” in front of it and sell it like the Deep State is trying to take your money and your guns away. “Come buy this tactical camouflage rock! It looks good and it protects your garden from the Deep State! It’s $39.99 and comes with a 9/11 is an inside job bumper sticker!”. Oh and by the way, Alex ain’t broke. In fact, he’s far from it. Any guesses as to how much money the Infowars store raked in because Alex took the MAGA crowd for suckers? Man, PT Barnum ain’t got nothing on this guy.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! Thank you… thank you! You know last week we talked about how we tend to look at the bigger picture before looking at the smaller one. Well this week, we have both of those things. The bigger picture is that the insanity of Christian nationalism – a subject that has been weighing heavily on our minds lately and especially in the wake of the terrible tragedy in Buffalo this week. But the much smaller one is some of the candidates who are running for office who appear to air on the side of GAWD and JAYSUS and are anything but those candidates. No! Instead, they worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! You know who I am referring to, of course! I speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! See, that kind of rhetoric works both ways doesn’t it? So what happens when one Christian nationalist supports another Christian nationalist? Well you get Ohio’s Janet Porter (Q – Batshit) who might be one of the craziest candidates we’ve come across yet.





No! That’s not how this works! That’s not how any of this works! Martial law is not a good thing – it will only make things worse! And the people who are cheerleading the idea of martial law clearly have no clue how it works either. It’s truly insane what the people who worship the Dark One want. Do they want a free country or do they want a country ruled by a dictator and martial law? They say they want the former but they really want the latter! And if you think that’s an isolated incident, you are very very wrong, my friends!





Look, Ms. Porter, I say this with the utmost respect, or maybe disrespect in this case – but you do not give a shit about children. You might say you do, but you don’t. And I will say that your twisted world view and your batshit insane policies are only going to hurt more children then they’re going to help. As the late, great George Carlin once said – “If you really want to help kids, leave them the fuck alone!”. He was so right there. But this isn’t over. Especially when the Q Nuts and Dark One supporters enact their twisted fantasies to “protect the children”.





Holy shit! That is some absolutely insane thinking to think that a cluster of cells is a baby and that they are rejecting actual science in favor of “GAWD’s work”. I could spend all day debunking this kind of absolute nonsense and religious insanity. But I don’t have that kind of time! And by the way, Ms. Porter’s credentials are strong with supporters of the Dark One. In 2019 the list of people she campaigned for read like a who’s who of supporters of the Dark One. This is one of those things where the more you go down the wormhole, the more you realize these people are not like JAYSUS at all! They are more like the Dark One!





Yeah think of the children. Of course it’s because of freaks and psychos who worship the Dark One that we cannot have nice things! This isn’t what the LAwRD wants now is he? I need a drink, people. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]People Who Somehow Got Elected: Josh Hawley
[br] [/font] [br]

Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:



This week – Missouri’s Josh Hawley (Q – Insurrectionist). How did this guy get elected? Well, he’s white, speaks to white people directly, and is more charismatic than our former president is. And speaking of the former president and everything that he ruins, you might remember Josh from being the instigator at the January 6th Insurrection. Since then it’s become increasingly apparent that Hawley has no clue what he is doing despite being elected as a Senator from the state of Missouri. This week though he’s coming under fire for attempting to strip Disney of their copyright protections because they were mean to Fox News favorite Ron DeSantis. That’s right – the party that says that you shouldn’t interfere with private businesses are literally interfering with private businesses. It’s truly shocking and disturbing what the MAGA cult is doing to Disney so that Fox News can have good ratings.





Of course it is, we wouldn’t expect anything less. Of course the MAGA crowd has never actually read the Constitution. They only like the imagery of the US Constitution. Which is why their bumper stickers and T-shirts never go very far beyond “We The People”. So Josh Hawley went and attacked a private business, and if there’s one thing that the conservative MAGA crowd has been saying for the last 15 years, it’s that you never, ever use the government to attack private businesses. And in case you’re wondering which side Hawley is on – he’s on the side of white insecure Christian fundamentalists who have to constantly be reminded that they are men.





Seriously if they think monster trucks and electric guitars and an all-male attendance are what it takes to be a man, then I’ve got a hot beefcake volleyball scene in a movie about war planes to show you! Oh did we go too far with that joke? It’s OK, we mean no harm by it. By the way, Josh, you can’t get mad at Disney for selling “woke” merchandise. You do it yourself. See, “wokism” goes both ways and if you’re selling merchandise that’s directly related to January 6th, doesn’t that make you “woke” yourself? Once again conservatives fail to get the message.





Yes, merchandising – that’s where the real money from the attempted coup of a democratic election is made! And by the way, speaking of coups, in case it wasn’t obvious by now whose side Josh Hawley is really on, well, he’s on Vladimir Putin’s side. That’s right – while most of the rest of the world is horrified at what Russia is doing to Ukraine, he’s on Vladimir Putin’s side. And his vote on a recent bill that would give Ukraine some very badly needed funds to help combat Putin’s dirty deeds, his “no” vote makes him stick out like a sore thumb.





So participating in an insurrection against a fair and democratic election, selling crappy merchandise, attacking private businesses and attending the most manly men’s conference to ever manned. That’s Missouri senator Josh Hawley – a member of the Q – Insurrectionist party and another politician who’s inexplicably another one of the:






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
[br] [/font] [br]



Welcome back to our segment where we attempt to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! In times like these, when people simply don’t want to read past the headlines, they just make up the articles that follow them! We are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the heart of the New Mexico badlands, undisclosed location of course! Just let me adjust my tin foil hat for maximum government interference – they are trying to read both yours and my thoughts, after al! So this week, you may have heard from your Fox News loving friends and relatives about a possible baby food shortage. Which is real and is happening. But who is to blame? There’s a lot of finger pointing and blame gaming happening on this subject. But conservatives, before you go off and blame the president for all the world’s problems like you normally do, you should probably go take a look in the mirror first.





I swear if I were employed to be a fact checker in this day and age, I’d either be jumping off the roof or voluntarily committing myself. In the last two years we’ve covered some of the nuttiest, most batshit crazy conspiracy theories you can think of, and it honestly must suck to be a fact checker right now. I can only imagine some of the crazy Google searches they must have. But of course the fact that Bill Gates may be in on the baby formula shortage is only but one of the many ridiculous theories out there. Just like most things in this day and age, the further you go down the proverbial rabbit hole, the weirder it gets!





Some of these people really should be committed. I mean come on, don’t companies like that have VOIP lines that can trace back calls? Sigh I can’t even. Which is why we’re holed up here in this underground doomsday shelter until Vladimir Putin unleashes the inevitable. And by the way, just like their obsession with Bill Gates, the conservatives’ obsession with the southern border just gets weirder and creepier, so it’s only natural that Sean Hannity would go there. Really they can’t just leave things alone, can they? It always has to be about them?





Sigh… I can’t even. Times like this really make me want to throw a brick at my TV and be done with it – it’s driving people nuts! And people like Sean Hannity clearly aren’t helping things. And by the way read the freaking articles, OK? It’s seriously disturbing when people start saying stupid shit about something that they have absolutely no clue what they are talking about and are just parroting whatever their talking head of choice is saying on the TV. Just stop it already! And don’t dilute formula or attempt to make your own either, that never works or ends particularly well. We know people are desperate, but come on, this is plain fucking stupid.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey everyone, I don’t know about you but I could really use a drink!



So I’m sure by now you know the idea of this segment is that we have some drinks and while we’re drinking we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Though this week we do have to bend the rules a little bit because they are somewhat political related. But that being said, we saw some absolutely bonkers celebrity protests last week. Tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about a vegan protest? A kale smoothie? Hell no. We need some alcohol. I need some Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. Well it doesn’t have any animal products does it? But here’s the thing – do we really need millionaire celebrities staging public protests to complain about a small increase in the cost of everyday goods? Is that the hill that you choose to die on? So I’m sure you heard by now about the completely insane protest staged by Succession actor James Cromwell at a Starbucks in New York City, and really this is why people have a problem with celebrities interfering in political discourse. And also too it’s a huge part of the reason why people hate PETA. Yes, that PETA – and this might be the most insane protest they’ve staged yet.





On one hand I get his point. Why should Starbucks charge more for vegan alternatives? But on the other hand – if you superglue your hand to a Starbucks counter, that’s not hurting Starbucks. That’s hurting you – and it’s going to really hurt you when you try to remove said hand from said counter. But this right here is a perfect example of why people hate groups like PETA. Because they are a nuisance. Yeah in this society, you have to do things like this to get noticed. But like we said, when you pull stupid shit like this, you’re not hurting the person who you are targeting. You are only hurting yourself.





Oh yeah that’s what I needed! But another person who needs to be called out for a bizarre protest is another group who we’ve made fun of time and time again – GOOP. And here’s the thing, GOOP – actual struggling families don’t need a freaking millionaire actress like Gwyneth Paltrow telling people that the cost of a necessary good like diapers are too expnsive? Well I will say “maybe” because Ms. Paltrow has influence and of course millions of dollars. But maybe using GOOP to sell a $120 diaper isn’t exactly the message we need here.





You seriously just know that there’s an entrepreneur out there who’s going to market a diaper that costs $120 based off this ad. It’s literally the baby equivalent of Trump’s toilet. But thankfully from this protest we can learn that they probably don’t have much of an effect on anyone who can actually do something to change the policy. James Cromwell and Gwyneth Paltrow may have good intentions with their protests, but really most people see them as publicity stunts and that’s about it. This won’t actually change policy, but it will make for some great late night comedy.






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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2022
[br] [/font] [br]

16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Here we are at the Final Four, people! It’s been quite the tournament as both favorites Florida and Texas were both knocked out early. Last week, Nebraska put on a show and upstaged Fiscal Irresponsibility favorite Kansas by a whopping 17 points! And you know what? This year the Final Four has a whopping 3 #4 seed players, it’s stunning! Now let’s introduce the Final Four, shall we? Representing the Batshit Conference – Georgia! Representing the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference – Nebraska! Representing the Gun Nut Conference – Missouri! And finally representing the Family Values Conference – Tennessee! It’s time, we are live at the home of the USC Trojans, the Galen Center in Los Angeles for all the action! Let’s go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Layover League Championship: Georgia Vs Nebraska [/font]

[font size="2"]Georgia [/font]


Ah the Peach State. Yes, they were a Blue State in 2020. But there are reports that the Peach State could be swinging the other way. However, the defeat of Madison Cawthorn this week is giving us hope that we can get rid of Marjorie Taylor Greene! And there is some good news for that! At least for now – everyone knows that Georgia is home to one of the worst governors in the country, Brian Kemp. But did you know that he had a fundraising advantage over his democratic challenger? Yeah the party that makes claims about rigging elections is very actively rigging elections!





Well fucking duh! Of course someone like Brian Kemp is going to win elections if he has more money than the other guy. And again really, how else do you explain Marjorie Taylor Greene? There’s absolutely no way that someone like that should have even been considered for office. But with the recent leak of the Roe V Wade draft, many are siding with the Christian cult that’s taking over this country and pushing for a total abortion ban. We wonder what the over / under is on them actually going through with this.





[font size="2"]Nebraska [/font]


You know – here’s a question that we’ve been contemplating – what does the “conservative” party actually conserve? Well if you’re Pete Ricketts of Nebraska (Q – Batshit), the only thing you really conserve is money. And white people. But when an actual conservation effort comes along, they really don’t do anything about it. Why? Because since Trump came along, the only thing that the conservative party likes to do is to “own the libs”. They really don’t give a shit about anything else anymore. But that’s it – that’s all they do!





Oh come on people, stop your rabbling! But this is ridiculously insane – Joe Biden actually wants to make America “beautiful” like the song suggests. And conservatives are doing everything in their power to stop it. And come on, Pete Ricketts - you can make a stadium beautiful, but shouldn’t you be doing it for your country too? It’s funny how the party that claims to love America really doesn’t do anything about it beyond just spouting symbols and imagery. Ugh, I can’t even.





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Whoa this was a close one, but Georgia has pulled it out with 10 unanswered points! Nebraska is trailing with a minute left… Georgia for three… YES! And that will do it folks! Georgia moves onto their second NFFSA championship! Nebraska will go home! Final score: 97 – 84. They are celebrating on the court and they will move onto Inglewood! Cut that net, guys, you earned it!



[font size="4"]Flyover League Championship: Missouri Vs Tennessee [/font]

[font size="4"] Missouri [/font]


The Show Me State loves them some guns. And they also love them some crazy people. And their love of guns propelled them above fan favorites Texas and Florida to the top of the NFFSA heap. While the last few weeks, we’ve talked about their extremely controversial “2nd Amendment Support Act”, well, it gets crazier from there. And we all laugh at Texas for how much they love guns and it’s even been the subject of jokes in TV shows, stand up comedy, and movies for years. But then again there’s Texas, and Missouri comes along saying “Hold my 9mm”.





And then folks you know that the COVID-19 pandemic is still very much a thing. And while cases and deaths are down to record levels, we’re still not getting rid of the virus any time soon. But there’s only one thing you can do to protect yourself – get the damn vaccine. And get boosted. What won’t help is taking Ivermectin. But lawmakers in Missouri don’t care about that. In fact they’re actually figuring out ways to make doctors give it to you as an option!





[font size="4"]Tennessee [/font]


The Volunteer State propelled to the top of the Family Values Conference for an absolutely batshit insane proposed law that would eliminate the legal age requirement for marriage! That’s right – they actually go there. And here’s the absolutely batshit crazy thing about this law – is that they wanted this law only to apply to heterosexual couples. Yes, so that means that remember like Ted Nugent’s song “Jailbait”? That could potentially be a real thing. And it’s completely fucking scary. Conservatives really seem keen on taking us back to the stone ages, don’t they?





Gee, you think? And by the way you know what else makes Tennessee ridiculously one of the craziest states in the country? Book burnings! That’s right – the conservative Christians actually want to go there and ban books. But they’ve already banned them! And what’s even worse – they actually want to burn them! You know what they say about repeating history – the country that bans and burns books is about to do some really evil shit. It’s no secret where the conservative movement is heading, and get ready they are going to become pure evil in the next few years.





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Holy shit folks, we’ve got a massive upset brewing here! Wow, we never thought we’d see this, but Tennessee has pulled through with a whopping 15 point advantage over Missouri! They are set to take the Flyover League with a stunning 15 point victory! 30 seconds left and they have already begun the post-game festivities! That’s all she wrote, folks! Tennessee advances to their first NFFSA Conference Championship and Missouri goes home, they are stunned! Final score: 105 – 91! Tennessee celebrates with a victory! Cut that net guys, you earned it!



[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

This is it folks! We are here at the championship! We are going to be live at the fabulous Kia Forum in Inglewood, California live with all the festivities! Georgia. Tennessee. We will have the game, the net cutting, the trophy presentation, and the closing ceremonies!


[font size="4"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="4"]Deftones[/font]

Folks, my next guest are touring behind their excellent 2020 album called “Ohms”, you can see them live through June 15th. Playing their song “Genesis” from their album “Ohms”, give it up for Deftones!



Thank you, Santa Ana! See you next week for the season 12 finale! Holy crap, season 12 has gone by fast, hasn’t it? See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Deftones Appear Courtesy Of: Reprise Records
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience at: Constellation Room at Observatory OC, Santa Ana, California
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Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

May 5, 2022

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12-14: Honey, I Shrunk The District Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12-14: Honey, I Shrunk The District Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yo! What’s up, Burbank? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! It's always great to be back in our former home during the pandemic and not in front of a blank blue void either! We actually have a real audience now! Ah, Stella Artois, the king of beers! So can we tell you the big announcement before we get going? So we announced this on Twitter last week. We were combing through the Top 10 archives and we discovered that August 9th is the fifth anniversary of the debut of our very favorite religious themed segment Holy Shit, something that we have made a permanent weekly fixture since the week it was debuted and have even spun it off into its’ own series. So with that said, our August 11th edition will be dedicated exclusively to bringing you the best of Holy Shit and we have something big planned for that. Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! So we almost thought about making a full “I Need A Drink” out of this one and we still might do it depending on how things go. So I had a ton of people request this story. I’m sure you heard by now of the Florida Man who was accused of attempting to fight Mike Tyson? Well guess what? It happened again! That’s right – days after Mike Tyson punched out a guy for provoking him on an airplane, another man attempts to fight him. And guess what? Same result! You know the old saying about playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes, right? And remember that scene in the Hangover when Zach Galaifinakis gets punched out by Mike Tyson? Yup, same result! So I guess the legends are true – do not fuck with Mike Tyson. Because it will end very badly for you. We might have to do an “I Need A Drink” next week for this one. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and this week he talks about environmental racism:



So where do we begin this week? In the number one slot this week we have to talk about Elon Musk (1) because his attempt to take over Twitter is backfiring on him big time and also causing him to lose billions. That’s right. BILLIONS. Where’s Nelson when you need him? In the number 2 slot this week is our old buddy Ron DeSantis. Yes, he’s actually escalating his feud with Disney and it’s costing the residents of Florida big time. Why does anyone still vote for these clowns? We have a war and disease to worry about and he’s focusing on Mickey Mouse being mean to him! Sigh. In the number 3 slot this week is Vladimir Putin (3). So the Russia – Ukraine war isn’t ending any time soon and while we have talked a lot of shit about the war, we’re finally asking the question this week – how does it all end? At the number 4 seed this week is That Former Guy (4). We haven’t been paying much attention to his idiot rallies lately but we have noticed that they’re drawing smaller and smaller crowds. Will Trump eventually be opening up for petting zoos soon? In the number 5 slot this week is also Donald Trump (5) because the Grand Jury in his Georgia election fraud trial is heating up and he might finally have to answer for all of his crimes! In the number 6 slot this week, is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week our resident pastor has finally had enough of Georgia’s batshit crazy Q Anon Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, and we decided that we’re going to debunk some of her crazier theories right now. In the number 7 slot this week is a new People Who Somehow Got Elected (7) and after a series of escalating scandals, we’re finally adding North Carolina’s Madison Cawthorn (Q – Batshit) to that ever-growing list! Taking the number 8 slot this week is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8). And this is one of those “why is this not bigger news?” kind of segments because MAGA loving conspiracy theorists are taking over voting systems in a number of states, and they’re all getting busted for fraud. It’s very alarming! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!!) slot this week we have a new “I Need A Drink” (9) and we have to talk about the part of the male anatomy known as the penis, because America ranks near the bottom of the pack and the rest of the world isn’t doing much better, though a shocking contender for largest in the world has emerged! And we’re going to make lots of jokes here, that you can rest assured! Finally this week it’s time for Stupidest State 2022!! Yes, cue the reggaeton horn! It’s Round 2 Week 4, which means that last, but certainly not least is the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference finals! Kansas. Nebraska. One wins, the other goes home! Plus to top things off, we have some live music from St. Paul & The Broken Bones! Really, buy their new album “The Alien Coast” or you’re no friend of this program. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

By the way, we will *NOT* get to the SCOTUS decision on Roe V Wade this week. We’re waiting until the dust settles and trust us, we’ll have *PLENTY* to talk about in our 5/18 edition!

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[font size="8"]Elon Musk
[br] [/font] [br]

Imagine spending $200 to be a dick and buy out Weinerschnitzel’s chili dog supply so nobody else gets a chili dog. Now imagine paying $44 billion to be a dick and buy out one of the world’s most popular social media platforms to make it a haven for alt right racists and sexists. Now imagine that backfiring on you spectacularly. So Elon Musk, the Tesla and Space X CEO has been having what one would call a “bit of a week”. So what does an actual technology executive think of Musk’s planned hostile takeover? Well, according to Bill Gates, the ex-CEO of Microsoft, is not good. And I’m using that in the utmost technical language. And you know how anti-vaxxers are doing everything to not take the vaccine and convince you of how righteous they are by not taking it? Well that’s exactly what Elon is doing by taking over Twitter. His intentions for the platform are very bad. And if you think things are bad now, I’ve often said that Mr. Musk is literally a furry cat and an island fortress away from being a full blown James Bon d villain. And this might make him the next Ernst Starvo Blofeld.





He’s not a monster, he’s just a troll. You want to know how he could make things even worse? By charging people to use it. Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! That’s right – he could soon start charging businesses and celebrities money to use what is normally a free platform. So if you’re keeping score at home – he wants racists and sexists to be able to roam free, while any serious users of the platform will get hosed. This is a shocking level of evil.



?auto=webp&s=23d345de917aedd7fc3e49141c1d2be107ef3d7f

Uh… call you a pedophile just for asking? OK I stole that joke from Honest Trailers. Sue me. But come on, it was good enough to warrant seconds! But if you think news outlets are bad behind a paywall, just wait until it comes for Twitter. I mean come on, there’s profit to be had, people! And Elon’s gone from full CEO to social media influencer. The bad thing is that it’s costing his other businesses like Tesla some major coin. And the Tesla shareholders aren’t having any of it.





Holy shit!!!!!!!!!! $128 billion! Fuck! That’s like ½ the gross domestic product of like ½ the countries in Africa combined. Maybe even some of Europe too. Just think of what you could do with that money, and now think of the missed opportunities now that that money is gone. Sorry, money, your money’s happiness is all that monies. Now how is Elon recuperating all that money? He’s selling fucking flash drives, memecoins, and NFTs. That’s right – NFTs. You know, talk about the 21st century equivalent of fool’s gold. Because you have to be a fool to buy this stuff.






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[font size="8"]Ron DeSantis
[br] [/font] [br]

Fox News has way too much power in this country. And some people watch it too damn much and it’s driving them insane. One particular example is our old buddy, Florida governor Ron DeSantis, who wants to be liked by the Fox News crowd so much that he’s doing some pretty evil and dumb shit just to please them and maybe get him a good mention on Hannity and some points with some Parler influencers. We need a good title for this entry. Nah. Nah. Nah. OK that’s a great one! Honey, I shrunk the district! I mean shit, that’s why you don’t elect social media trolls to any position of power. But Ron DeSantis and Fox News both definitely stepped in it this week. As his war on Disney is reaching ridiculous proportions, and his quest to dissolve Disney’s special Reedy Creek district is out of control. See, kids? This egg is your brain. This egg is your brain on Fox News. Any questions? Thought so. That shit rots your brain. And when you see what it’s going to do to the people of Florida, well, is it any wonder why people still vote for these clowns? If I was in Florida I’d be rioting in the streets over this.





Yeah you don’t mess with the mouse, man! He’s a bad ass! But here’s the thing – people who love pop culture love Disney. Who doesn’t? They own pretty much every property you could ever care about – Marvel, Star Wars, Pixar, every animated movie ever made that’s worth a damn… sorry, Illumination but it’s true. Well anyway all fanboy fare siding, what I’m getting at is you don’t want to mess with Disney fans, for they are a very vocal bunch. I should know, I live 15 minutes from Disneyland and I should go there more often but it’s just too damn expensive. Well, anyway don’t mess with the mouse.





Somehow I don’t think we’ll see Mickey Mouse becoming a giant and destroying Orlando, but don’t think it couldn’t happen! You don’t know! But the fact is that Ron DeSantis is going full tyrant and it’s not going to end well for him. Nobody likes a tyrant. And his dissolving of the Disney special district known as Reedy Creek is going to cost him big time. Funny, the party that says that we shouldn’t go after private businesses is literally going after private businesses. If there’s anything we’ve learned on this program, it’s never get between a man and his profit margins! Or in this case, mouse.





Yeah, Ron DeSantis forgot about that little detail, didn’t he? Reedy Creek is a whopping $1 BILLION in debt. You heard me. ONE BILLION IN DEBT. So that means if Reedy Creek is dissolved and the state of Florida takes over that district, then someone has to foot the bill. And that someone is most likely going to be the Florida taxpayers. Again, why does anyone vote for these clowns? And why would Disney leave Florida? If anything, DeSantis just did them a huge favor and gave them a billion dollar tax break. But yeah… Fox News is going to keep us fighting with each other, while the billionaires run off to the bank, and you’d better not go against the cult. Crap even Asa is having an independent thought.






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[font size="8"]Vladimir Putin
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It's been two months since the start of Vladimir Putin’s illegal and immoral invasion and occupation of the Ukraine. And we’ve been wondering – where does it all end? Where is it going? Well we do have the short answer to this: he ain’t stopping. We also have an even shorter version than that: war were declared. That’s right – Pooty plans to declare a full out war against the Ukraine relatively soon, and he’s not stopping at the Ukraine. Oh no, my friends. Like your favorite baseball player hitting a home run, he plans to GO ALL THE WAY!!!! And really what’s to stop Pooty from conquering all of Europe? Well that answer is a lot more complex, and way too crazy for our crappy little program to be able to begin to comprehend. But as we’ve been doing through this terrible time in humanity, when we have a raging out of control virus and a raging out of control warlord who has access to nuclear weapons, we’ll do our best to power through this shit. But you know what? Why do I get this weird feeling that I do not trust a single word of what Putin says?





Don’t think it’s that easy. But the whole world is waiting to see if Putin is going to formally declare war on the Ukraine and is going to be waiting with a response – and it will be one that he guarantee will not like. Probably the only way this ends at this point is with him turning up dead in a basement bunker somewhere in Russia. But that being said, watch out world. One nightmare is over, but a new one is just beginning! Sheesh I feel like the people who say that we won’t be experiencing World War III in our lifetime probably will experience it starting next week!





So you might be thinking “Wait, isn’t the Ukraine Army kicking Putin’s ass? Didn’t he not think this through enough?”. And I answer you good sir / madam – 1. Yes. 2. No. In fact the war in the Ukraine is so poorly thought out that if Putin were to formally declare war on the Ukraine, it would backfire on him big time. And the other question on the table – what’s going on May 9th? Well that answer is – it’s very complicated. Why would Putin use the victory of World War II to start World War III? It’s criminally insane, and he doesn’t have a lot of options.






Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That one never gets old! What’s next for Pooty? Well he’s planning on attending the G20 Summit in Jakarta this year. And he’s not going to be exactly what one might refer to as “welcome” there. Remember that scene in the Dictator when General Aladeen goes into that restaurant that’s full of people who he ex-communicated and want him dead? Yeah if Putin actually shows up at G20, this might be the literal real life equivalent of that scene!






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[font size="8"]That Former Guy
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We’ve largely been trying to avoid talking about the Former Guy’s rallies lately. But they’re getting weirder and weirder. Never mind that he’s turned Mar-A-Lago into some kind of weird Studio 54 for conspiracy theory extremists. But with the 2022 midterms coming up, we have to talk about the kinds of candidates that he’s attracting and endorsing. Now here’s the thing – it’s probably a good thing that Trump is avoiding major cities and holding them in the middle of nowhere. Because then we get pictures coming out of the rallies that look like this:

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1520813957224804353

That’s real! Seriously, these are the people who have the nerve to call us “sheep”. Here’s the thing Trump fans – major cities are where people live. I go to Chicago and Seattle and Baltimore and Cleveland and Detroit and New York and Washington DC. Would I go to Cullin, Alabama, or Selma, North Carolina, or Delaware, Ohio? Not on a bet! Trump’s last rally drew 3,000 people. Or as we call it in LA, a “minor traffic incident on the 405 northbound”. But it draw this guy:





Boy, MAGA sure has a type don’t they? And by the way in case you’re wondering why Trump likes this guy, remember what we keep saying about how ass grabbers of a feather flock together? That’s right – he’s had multiple accusations of sexual harassment against him! Yeah right now my eyeballs are rolling about as far back in my head as possible. But if you’re going to lay down the accusations, you’d better be able to stand up to the MAGA cult. Because they’re armed and angry and they’re coming for every election. No independent thoughts allowed here!





And by the way where are Trump supporters getting their money from? Some are traveling from rally to rally like they’re in some kind of group that used to follow around the Grateful Dead. At least with the Grateful Dead, they had pot, LSD, and beer at their shows. What does Trump have at his shows? I am guessing maybe Ivermectin and bath salts? But this is one of those things where I think it’s really time to start following the money. Because the longer these rallies go on, the more we enable this guy. If we took away their money they might have to, I don’t know, get real jobs?





Wow, I’m shocked that Trump actually cares about the safety of his rally goers. He’s the kind of guy who would hold a rally in the middle of a tornado while claiming that only stupid losers followed the weather warnings, and then his supporters would go threaten the weather reporters. They really are that predictable, aren’t they? And if you’re wondering what the next rally he’s doing, or the next batshit crazy candidate he’s endorsing, just look at what’s going on with his Ohio rally. And by the way that guy from the earlier article who said he wanted to give his son a political education? You might want to read up on the kind of quality candidate he’s endorsing.






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[font size="8"]Sean Hannity
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So one of the biggest questions in regards to the January 6th Insurrection that is on everyone’s mind is – what the hell would have happened if they had succeeded? And also what was Fox News planning to do that day if they had? The latter question is what we’re here to report on for this entry. The thing is we know Fox News had their hands in an attempted coup of the United States government. And one individual we know in particular was very close to Trump and many people know him to be the Joseph Goebbles of the Trump administration. Yes, Sean Hannity that’s you. But there’s a ton of questions that the Committee wants to know about Sean Hannity’s involvement in the January 6th uprising. But you know what? At least we got one answer. Even Hannity, Trump’s mouthpiece himself, is concerned about the lunatics taking over the party. Hey Hannity, Fox News enabled and continues to enable these lunatics. You don’t get to weasel your way out of this one! Look, we all know that Trump is a crazy lunatic himself. Those of us who aren’t members of the News Corp. cult can see it. But you and Trump enable these lunatics, and Trump attracts crazy people to his cause. I mean look at Marjorie Greene and Tommy Tuberville.





Oh it gets weirder. We all know that Sean Hannity is the ultimate conservative yes man – he will say yes to anything involving a conservative agenda no matter how evil it is. It’s truly scary that the party that defended the US against the Taliban is now turning into the Taliban themselves. Really think about it – there’s increasingly no discernable difference between today’s Christian right and the Taliban. So that being said, that was kind of a weird segue but if the MAGA cabal had succeeded and taken over the government on January 6th, Sean Hannity would have been Trump’s mouthpiece, literally.





But for our military friends out there, you know there’s that one guy in the troop who kisses the sarge’s ass no matter how terrible of a job he does? Yeah Sean Hannity is that guy. I mean let’s think about this for a minute here. We’ve reported that Hannity has literally had good night phone calls with Trump (see: Top 10 #4-15 ). But now we know what Hannity really thinks of President Biden – and well come on. Have you seen your favorite former president lately? The guy is completely off his rocker.





Yeah shut up! Come on, I could pull literally any number of clips from a Trump rally in the last couple of weeks. The dude could barely hold onto a glass and allegedly wears diapers. And have you seen him attempt to drive a car? Laughable. So yeah we all know who the preferred president of Fox News is, and they side with Shithead Squadron. But this is the even scarier part of Hannity’s text reveal – there was talk of martial law. Yes, the Q Anon fantasy of Trump enacting martial law would have come true, if they had succeeded. That’s some seriously scary shit. But of course it would be enacted by people who can’t even spell “martial law”.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: The Weird World Of Marjorie Taylor Greene
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated. How do you like our new set, everybody? It’s a preview because this August we’re celebrating 5 years of this segment! Yeah how about that? Time flies doesn’t it? Well anyway in our quest to find out what makes the Christian right tick, we generally tend to look at the bigger picture here. But today we’re looking at a much smaller one. And focusing on a really terrible member of the Christian right, specifically. I’m of course talking about Georgia’s Marjorie Taylor Greene, who’s a fundamentalist Chris tian and extremist member of the Q Anon / conspiracy theory wing of the GOP. We’ve normally tried to avoid talking about this individual given how toxic and off the wall batshit crazy she is. But this week after she’s said some ridiculous theories about the church, we feel that we can no longer avoid her. Because when you start talking shit about the church, or you say some ridiculously batshit crazy stuff, that’s when you wind up on our little program. And whew, it’s only going to get weirder.





Yeah so not only did Ms. Greene not back off of her controversial comments, she doubled down on them! She literally is the world’s biggest Facebook troll right now. Because that’s what happens when supporters of the unholy, ungodly Dark One get elected! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! And how dare people have differing opinions about religion? Well no because that’s how vile and toxic Marjorie is, and it’s truly terrifying where this party is headed.





No, Marjorie, it’s not SAYTAN! It’s supporters of the Dark One and their opposition to proper sex education! I mean think about it – look at the states where the abortion rate is high and sex education is low. It’s not that hard to see the cause and effect here. Now this is where things really start to take a turn because we don’t think Ms. Greene speaks for the church. She definitely does not do what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want now is it? No, she worships the unholy, ungodly Dark One! And all of the evil that he brings! So if we extrapolate, does that mean that Ms. Greene worships the devil?





Yes that’s right! Not today, SAYTAN! For you must stand up to the good LAWRD JAYSUS! But that said, you know that our Good Book says that lying is a sin! But not in the eyes of Marjorie Greene, because she says some ridiculously crazy stuff. But when put under oath? She can’t remember any of it, that’s exactly a play in the far right playbook. It’s always someone else’s fault. Or it was a false flag. Or it just didn’t happen. Well, Marjorie, you do not represent the interests of the church. You represent some very high and mighty extremist thinking! Does that make them the Taliban?





So, my fair congregation, that’s the twisted world of Rep. Greene in a nutshell. She does not represent the church, she’s just a social media troll. Don’t expect this story to go away either. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]People Who Somehow Got Elected: Madison Cawthorn

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Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:



This week – North Carolina’s Madison Cawthorn (Q – Batshit). How did this guy get elected? Well it’s easy – it’s because he’s clean cut, appears at churches and says what the MAGA crowd wants to hear from a political candidate. But that’s about it. He may be nice on the surface but deep down he’s got a very ugly side. Well in fact he may be the Kevin Spacey of the MAGA movement. That’s right – we just compared Cawthorn to Kevin Spacey. And there’s a reason for that is because not only is he batshit crazy, but he’s got some… hidden tendencies. As comedian Bill Hicks once said, anyone that far to the right is hiding a deep, dark secret. Of course Mr. Hicks never met anyone as crazy and far to the right as Madison Cawthorn or Marjorie Taylor Greene, both of which we’re certain that they may have actual skeletons in their closets. But Madison Cawthorn may be in a whole heap of trouble over his latest scandal, but he’s a white male conservative, so nothing bad will probably ever happen to him, but actual GOP representatives are desperately trying to get rid of him.





Remember when that show was great? We miss those times. House Of Cards was a show where you actually wanted to root for the bad guy, and Kevin Spacey’s character in that show was a very, very bad guy. And not only does Mr. Cawthorn have some very creepy tendencies, he acts them out in more ways than one. So not only has he been seen with male staffers?? hands on his crotch, some very incriminating photos of him recently surfaced. Again, it looks like he’s so toxic that the GOP is desperately trying to get rid of him. We smell a potential scandal brewing here.





Yeah so that happened. But with congressional idiots like Madison Cawthorn, Marjorie Greene, Paul Gosar, and Lauren Boebert, it seems like the GOP is trying to get its’ own version of someone like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Ilhan Omar. But they don’t have anyone like that, so they’re scraping the bottom of the barrel. Not only is Madison Cawthorn knee deep in scandal regarding his personal life, his professional one may be in jeopardy too. Because it seems that people are catching onto the fact that he's a habitual liar. In fact, that makes him not only quality MAGA material but also a key player in the House Of Cards. Ha, quality MAGA material. Like there is such a thing.






Of course, because totalitarianism is so much easier. And that’s where the GOP seems to be headed. So while Madison may be a making of the GOP’s own design and he won’t be the last, that’s for damn sure, we can guarantee one thing. Until the voters of NC-14 decide that he’s too toxic for them to continue to be their representative, he will be embroiled in scandal after scandal. Because that’s how the MAGA crowd rolls. We can’t get rid of these people, but we can see them fall slowly down the proverbial rabbit hole of scandals.





So there you have it – insider trading in a memecoin scheme, habitual lying and some potentially incriminating sex scandals. That’s North Carolina’s Madison Cawthorn, yet another politician who we can add to the inexplicably ever growing list of:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment where we attempt to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! In these trying times, when we have a brewing war and a raging pandemic, people often turn to conspiracy theories when they just don’t want to read past the headlines. We are of course coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter deep in the New Mexico badlands! In an undisclosed location of course! Let me just adjust my tin foil hat for maximum government interference… they are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all… ah there we go! This week it’s come to my attention that some very far right MAGA operatives are attempting to sabotage voting systems at the state and even local levels in a bizarre attempt to overthrow the 2020 election. Which they are currently attempting to do at about the same rate as Wiley Coyote attempting to catch the Road Runner. In today’s GOP the inmates really are being let out of the asylum. Here’s more.





God imagine having that guy as your lawyer! But oh no my friends, this isn’t some mere plot to overturn the election. It’s a plot to undermine democracy. Make no mistake that the MAGA movement isn’t on our side. They say they want freedom while they secretly lust for a totalitarian authoritarian dictatorship. It’s truly frightening where this party is headed. But it’s no accident that MAGA is installing their operatives in election sites and at voting machine companies. Oh it’s all – as the Joker says – it’s all part of the plan!





Here’s the thing – this whole campaign to undermine voting systems in an attempt to declare election results fraudulent if the MAGA cult doesn’t get their way? It’s no accident. It’s part of a campaign spearheaded by – you guessed it – Mike Lindell! Yes, we all laughed when he talked for 3 days straight into an empty room, but was really strategy planning. The Jan. 6th insurrection didn’t just happen overnight – there was a lot of planning involved. The upcoming midterm elections? They’re just a test launch to see if his program works or not.





Well if there’s anyone who needs to be locked behind padded walls, it’s Mike Lindell. That dude is seriously a couple of beers short of a six pack. So not only is MAGA getting into the election offices, they’re also getting into the election cycle. Consider batshit crazy candidates like Kari Lake of Arizona or Charles Herbster of Nebraska. The candidates are out there, they’re real, and they’re every bit as crazy as you might think. The MAGA movement isn’t dying, folks. It’s gaining momentum. And it’s being spearheaded by idiots like this. Don’t think for a minute that Mike Lindell is squandering his money away foolishly. You know the old saying – a f ool and his money are soon parted. But, as the MAGAs say, you got to trust the plan!






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone! I don’t know about you but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know that the idea of this segment is that we have some drinks and while we’re having drinks we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because let’s face it, there’s a lot of really dark shit out there. And it’s about to get even darker. So let’s kick back with a glass of your favorite beverage and just relax, OK? The topic this week? Well, sorry ladies, but we have to talk about the male anatomy this week. And a particular part is getting a lot of bad press. So tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about average penis size? Cream soda? I know there’s a joke there but I’m not touching that one with a 10 foot pole! I’ll just stick with my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. So that being said, we need to talk some biology here. The fact of the matter of this study is… it’s not good. And being an American male, I of course have a vetted interest in this subject, but it’s for research purposes! Research purposes! And where’s my drink? But anyway here’s the gist of what’s happening.







I don’t think that wine glass is big enough! And speaking of things not being big enough… thank you, audience! See what I did there? You might be asking yourself “Where does the United States rank among the world’s largest penises?”. And I answer you - we didn’t even make the top 50. Yeah I know this article comes from the New York Post but I couldn’t find a more reliable source. But come on, we rank 59th? No wonder white American Christian males are so insecure! Guess Tucker’s Testicle Tanning doesn’t cut it, does it?





Oh yeah that’s the good stuff! Oh and by the way, you might also be wondering – which country is most likely to lie about it’s penis size, average or not? The answer to that question is – Australia. That’s right, the Land Down Under has a huge problem with lying about its’ average size. Although in Australia they’re much more laid back than they are here. Maybe that’s because they might be bigger than the average? Or smaller? Or they just don’t care which is why they are lying about it. I don’t know, it could be all of the above.





Honesty is the best policy? Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh wait, you’re serious. Let me laugh even harder.… Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Honesty is the best policy…said literally no one ever when it comes to penis size. Trust me, I’m a guy, I have literally heard some of the dumbest shit ever said when it comes to the subject of penis size. And by the way in case you’re wondering which part of the body can also determine what the guy is like downstairs? Well look to the face! That’s right – it’s the only other part.








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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2022
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16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!


Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State! Last week it was a wild one as Arizona challenged Georgia for the Batshit Conference crown and nearly gave them a run for the money. But Georgia finished strong with a 5 point advantage. This week it’s the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference Finals as fan favorite #1 Kansas takes on scrappy challengers #3 Nebraska! We’re live in Seattle at the home of the NHL’s newest franchise, the Seattle Kraken , at the Climate Pledge Arena for all of the action action action! Let’s go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Fiscal Irresponsibility Championship: Kansas Vs Nebraska [/font]

[font size="2"]#1 Kansas [/font]


Kansas are the proverbial fan favorites in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference for a reason. They spend money. And not only that, they spend money that they don’t have. And it’s yet another state where Fox News has a massive stronghold on the people and even the electorate. Fox is so strong there that their talking points are becoming state policy, much like in Florida. In fact just to give you an idea of how insane the Kansas state legislature is, despite that they have a Dem governor, they try to pull shit like this.





Now here’s where I say that Kansas spends money that they don’t have. Last time we pointed out that they are literally digging a $1 billion hole in their state. That’s right, you heard me. One billion dollars! So where does that hole go? Well the short answer is that nobody knows. The long answer is that once again, it’s complicated. It’s basically a giant well that’s supposed to hold water in case of a drought, but right now it’s a one billion mystery hole.





Yeah no I don’t think there will be any of that in the Kansas mystery hole. But then again you know how Florida is fighting back the “Woke Disney”? Well Kansas might join them. That’s right – lost in the headlines was this interesting bit of information. Like seriously, the GOP fights the pettiest battles, don’t they? We’re fighting a pandemic and a power hungry dictator bent on world domination. They’re fighting Mickey Mouse because he was mean to Ron DeSantis. And come on , MAGAs, time to admit you don’t really care about kids, OK?





[font size="2"]#3 Nebraska [/font]


When we last left the Cornhusker State, they were knee deep in a drought and a budget crisis, led by MAGA friendly governor Pete Ricketts. But now it’s primary season, and they’re about to have a really huge MAGA problem on their hands. Think Pete Ricketts is bad? Wait until you meet the Trump endorsed MAGA friendly candidate Charles Herbster. Given the fact that he’s already got some sex scandals about him, things are about to get a whole lot worse if he somehow won the upcoming election!





Oh come on, the GOP continues to sink lower and lower with each new candidate. I mean seriously, Al Franken got kicked out of the senate for a ridiculously stupid photograph. Yet somehow this ass grabbing moron could be the next governor of Nebraska? Good god, I need to get out of this country for a while. And by the way, the GOP really needs to drop the “conservative” label from its’ party, because they don’t really conserve anything. Just look at the latest bill Pete Ricketts proposed:





Oh come on, have you been following the GOP for the last five years? Of course they’re going to do the hurtful and irresponsible thing. Their party is all about “owning the libs” now, don’t you know? It’s not that they’re happy. It’s that you’re miserable. And speaking of people being miserable, the Nazi party is back in Nebraska and they had a huge event there. Since Trump had one of his idiot rallies in the middle of nowhere, lost in the headlines last week was this little ditty. There was also this about a possible “religious freedom” bill which does not have anything to do with freedom, and some are saying that they may have gone too far!





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Whoa, ladies and gentlemen, do you believe in unlikelyhoods? This is unbelievable – Kansas barely showed up! Nebraska is running all over them and they will be the third team in this tournament to upset a #1 seed! Can you believe this? Nebraska is ahead with 14 points left in the second half… for three!!! YES!!! And that’s all she wrote, folks! Nebraska has done the unthinkable and upset Kansas to take the Fiscal Irresponsibility crown! They are celebrating on the court! Final score: 96 – 79! Cut that net guys, you earned it!



[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

We have to take a week off next week, but when we come back on the 18th, it’s time for the Stupidest State Final Four! Nebraska. Georgia. Tennessee. Missouri. One of these states will take home the trophy and become the new Top 10 Stupidest State! We are two short rounds away from crowning our champion, folks! We will be live at the home of the USC Trojans, the fabulous Galen Center in Los Angeles, for all the action!



[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]St. Paul & The Broken Bones[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a great band from Birmingham, Alabama! You can see them on tour through July 16th. Playing their song “Minotaur” from their album “The Alien Coast”, give it up for St. Paul & The Broken Bones!



Thank you Burbank! So we unfortunately have to take a short break next week, we’ll be back on Thursday, 5/19 with a brand new edition live from Santa Ana and the conclusion of Stupidest State 2022! See you next week!

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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

April 28, 2022

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12-13: Alice's Adventures Through The MAGA Glass Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12-13: Alice’s Adventures Through The MAGA Glass Edition

Ed. Note - due to a scheduling conflict at our host venue, the Top 10 is early today!

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yo what’s up Long Beach? The LGB! No it’s not to be confused with “Let’s Go Brandon”. I’m of course talking about the airport code for Long Beach. So this was the week that we’re supposed to be off but that trip got unfortunately canceled (not because of COVID, fortunately!) so we are going to be out the week of May 10th instead. But that said we can’t wait to see how the end of Stupidest State is going to play out, things are getting exciting! Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do. So you know that professional troll Elon Musk is in the process of acquiring Twitter with plans to turn it into a far right shithole. Now many of you have been asking what’s the official Top 10 position on Elon’s acquisition? Well right now it’s complicated. I’ve had tons of stories about this come across my desk this week and unfortunately we didn’t have enough time to go through them all while we were putting together this week’s edition. But that being said, the official Top 10 position is, at least the simple answer: We’re staying. We’re fighting. Because platforms need to know the toxicity of their user base. If we don’t speak up, they win. It’s that simple. So for the time being, we ain’t going nowhere and we’re staying. There is an exception though – if Elon did unban Trump’s account and give racists and sexists a free pass to do whatever they wanted, then we would bail. The other exception is if we found a viable platform with which to continue our message on, then we would sign up and move our accounts there. So that’s it! That’s our official position everybody. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is off this week but he has posted what may be one of his most random videos to date:



So where do we begin this week? Well while the rest of the world has their eyes on the horrifying atrocities being committed by Russia abroad and treason being committed by the MAGA party here at home, Florida Man Ron DeSantis (1), has his sights set on derailing the Happiest Place On Earth because they were mean to him over his controversial and dehumanizing “Don’t Say Gay” legislation. Oh, and Fox News is egging him on. In the second slot this week is our old friend Marjorie Taylor Greene (2) who is being grilled about her possible involvement in the January 6th Insurrection, which might get her booted from running for reelection! Oh we can only hope! Taking the third slot this week is Infowars head honcho and possible walking heart attack Alex Jones (3). So Infowars is on the verge of bankruptcy, or did he declare bankruptcy Michael Scott style? We have our theories! In the number 4 slot is COVID Deniers (4). So a batshit crazy Federalist MAGA judge from Florida declared that mask mandates are illegal, which is really an F-U to Biden and Fauci, but with Philadelphia’s recent ruling – is it finally time to say goodbye to COVID masks? We take a look. In the number 5 slot, we have a new Top 10 Investigates (5)! An alarming report from the Orange County Register has placed Southern California home prices above San Francisco as having the highest home prices in the country, so what’s driving them? We will do our best to find out! Taking the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6). Did the Russian warship Moskva, which sank last week, have a piece of the True Cross on board? Well, we think it’s a load of crap, but there’s always two sides to every issue! Speaking of two sides to every issue, the number 7 seed this week is a new “Beating A Dead Horse” – should we be alarmed by increasingly bad and borderline creepy behavior coming from superstars like Johnny Depp, Bill Murray and Mike Tyson? Yeah probably. But it’s probably also a sign of increasing change in Hollywood. In the number 8 slot this week, we have our first “How Is This Still A Thing” (8) of the season, how about that? And this week, after it lost a tremendous amount of value and was fleecing investors, we ask – the “Let’s Go Brandon” Bitcoin – how is this still a thing? Taking the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we have a new People Are Dumb (9) because of course they are! And finally this week, it’s time for Stupidest State 2022 (10)! This week, it’s Round 2 Week 3 which means it’s the Batshit Conference finals! Georgia. Arizona. One of these two teams will win. The other will go home! All this plus we have some live music for you from the legendary British duo Royal Blood! Really, buy their new album Typhoons or you’re no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Ron DeSantis
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Seriously, Fox News has way too much power in this country. Especially in Texas and Florida. Where they not only report the news, but these idiotic culture wars are becoming national policy now. Just look at Texas with their draconian anti-trans bills. But Florida looks to top them with their ridiculous “Don’t Say Gay” bill. The bill itself is the literal definition of a “farce”. And the only thing it really does is make Ron DeSantis look good to the Fox / evangelical crowd, and that’s about it. But this feud with Disney has just gone way too far and it’s totally backfiring in Ron DeSantis’ face. For the sake of this piece, let’s call it “The Not So Happiest Place On Earth”. Nah, that doesn’t have enough zing. Since MAGAs love white rabbit references, how about we call it… yeah, that’s a great title! Alice’s Adventures Through The MAGA Glass! Thank you graphics department! But in all seriousness, this feud between the Florida GOP and Disney has gone way too far. And you know the people who are going to get hurt? The people who go to Disneyland!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! That’s the fucking irony of this whole exercise. So Disney controls a special district in Florida called Reedy Creek, that they own, operate and maintain which oversees the infrastructure and public safety of Disney World. By dissolving that, the state of Florida now owns the district. And because they own the district, they also now own the debt accumulated by said district. So if you do the math… carry the one… that comes out to the tune of ONE BILLION DOLLARS. Yes, billion with a B. Congratulations, Florida! Your state is now officially owned and controlled by Fox News!





You know what else is ironic? Disney owns that joke now! I always love when characters owned by other corporations that make Disney jokes are now owned by Disney. As is the case with Bart Simpson. But that aside, this ridiculous culture war is just another one of the many ways that the MAGA world is fucking with our established institutions. They love Disney until they don’t need them anymore. They love Apple and Facebook, until they don’t need them anymore. You see where I am going with this? I mean it’s truly insane.





Just wait until South Park is owned by Disney! And don’t think it won’t happen! Don’t think it won’t! So anyway these culture wars have got to stop. All they do is divide us and drive us bonkers and it provides good ratings for Fox News. It also gets terrible people like Ron DeSantis and Greg Abbott elected. And it’s also costing people big time. Ron DeSantis actually did Disney a favor. He gave them a huge tax break which they’re off the hook for and now the Florida residents will be paying for it for years and probably even decades! Great job Fox! Hope Tucker and Hannity enjoy those ratings while the rest of us are suffering the consequences! Time to turn off Fox and come back to the real world, OK?






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[font size="8"]Marjorie Taylor Greene
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You know how some people are just so far removed from society that when their name is in the news you almost instantly know that they’re going to say or do something ridiculously stupid and also horrible too? Well for us that person is Infowars’ favorite Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q – Batshit). I mean this woman is completely off her rocker. And before I get into why she’s number 2 this week, I want to share this bit of information. You know since being banned from committees, all she does is go on super far right shows like Steve Bannon and Infowars to complain about everything, and even recently brought out the pedophile card. Yeah you don’t go there Marjorie. But considering that Marjorie is full on drinking the Q Anon Kool Aid, she will go there. And even accuse others of being pedophiles and terrorists, because, reasons. And you know that one of the central talking points of the Q Anon platform is that Trump would invoke martial law to declare himself president again. Which is fucking stupid. And what’s even more fucking stupid? The fact that they don’t even know what real martial law is.





Here’s the thing, Q nuts – if you can’t spell “martial law”, you don’t get to use it. And I also choose to interpret that as they like Marshall from the show “How I Met Your Mother”, and his character was a lawyer. So maybe that’s the Marshall law they are implying? OK enough of that. But here’s why Marjorie is in the news. You know the January 6th committee is heating up even though its’ been over a year now and they still haven’t gone after the big cheeses who were in on the investigation. So of course they’re taking Trump’s approach now and blaming literally anyone and everything who isn’t them.





Also, here’s the thing Q nuts – you can’t question Biden’s cognitive ability when you are in court and are on national fucking TELEVISION and you’re saying that you legitimately can’t remember something that happened LAST FUCKING YEAR that you a 5 minute Google search can tell you! Thank you Burbank, I knew I had to get that off my chest! And also too, you can’t tell me that Biden is mentally incompetent when I saw what you did on TV last week. No, Marjorie, you can’t fool anyone on this one. You might as well sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up.





So of course Ms. Greene is naturally terrified of testifying under oath with the media watching her every move. She’s attacked everyone from trans people to the LGBT community to the media to calling fellow Congresspeople pedophiles to just about everything in between. And you might think we’re making this up, but oh no. Literally every single one of those clips we just showed are real and we did not alter them in any way, shape or form. That said, Ms. Greene is going to be in a world of hurt if the truth were to get out and she were banned from reelection because of how toxic and vile she is. The truth… is out there!






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[font size="8"]Infowars
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There’s a war for your mind people!!! Yes, THE ELITLE GLOBALISTS ARE PUTTTING CHEMICALS IN THE WATER THAT WILL TURN THE FRIGGING FROGS GAY!! Now that you’ve heard that, buy my useless protein supplements that will help keep this operation going because I need a new Rolex and gas for my armored tank. These things don’t pay for themselves! OK enough of that nonsense. But this is perhaps one of the best stories of the year so far. Infowars is going bankrupt! And while I’m living out my schadenfreude, I can honestly say that it couldn’t happen to a nicer asshole! So now is Alex Jones legitimately declaring bankruptcy or is he just saying that he’s declaring bankruptcy? Well it’s a little from column A and a little from column B. But a $3 million dollar settlement for the Sandy Hook victims he harassed and threatened, combined with six figure fines resulting from said lawsuits, definitely aren’t helping things. But seriously, the sooner we rid the world of Infowars and all their ridiculous conspiracy theories, the better!





Unfortunately that’s not how you do it. But that’s probably how Alex Jones does it. The fact that this trial has gone on for over 10 years now with nearly no end in sight is one of the most ridiculous things to happen and that’s including 4 years of Donald Trump as president. The question now is now much should Mr. Jones pay out to the people who he harassed and mocked? Well that’s a hotly debated topic, and the settlement from his divorce certainly isn’t helping things. But can we all agree that Alex Jones is an absolute monster and garbage human being? I think we can all agree on that!

vA Texas judge on Wednesday pushed back the first jury trial over how much conspiracy theorist Alex Jones should pay the families of Sandy Hook victims after his Infowars company sought bankruptcy protection this week.

The delay ordered by state District Judge Maya Guerra Gamble comes days after Infowars and two other companies tied to Jones filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection in Texas.

Jones has lost defamation lawsuits in Texas and Connecticut over his comments that the 2012 Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre was a hoax. The first trial over how much he should pay the families had been scheduled to begin Monday in Austin, where Infowars is headquartered.

A new trial date has not been set.

Attorneys for Sandy Hook families have accused Jones of trying to hide millions of dollars in assets. Creditors listed in Infowars' bankruptcy filing include relatives of some of the 20 children and six educators killed in the 2012 school massacre in Connecticut.

Read more: https://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/judge-delays-alex-jones-trial-infowars-seeks-bankruptcy-84192794?cid=social_twitter_abcnp



By the way, don’t think that this is over. Oh no, in fact it’s just beginning! One does not simply declare bankruptcy. And the Sandy Hook lawyers think that this bankruptcy filing is completely bogus. Now really, you only think that? Come on, I wouldn’t put it past Alex Jones to lie and cheat his way out of this one. Because that’s exactly what people who drink the MAGA / Q Kool-Aid do. In fact, the Sandy Hook parents are even asking the judge to throw out the “bankruptcy”. Come on, you knew Alex would go there so he wouldn’t have to pay them, am I right? What a little weasel!





Yeah no, sorry, Alex, but you don’t get to weasel your way out of this one. He’s such a disgusting slimebag, I’m surprised that he has any fans left. Of course we live in a world right now where the jerks and pigs are in charge and they’re making the rest of us sane individuals miserable. But in all honesty, the sooner Infowars is removed from our collective conscious, the better. Because Alex Jones is a huge part of why the GOP has gone so far off the deep end. And all he does is use his power to hawk those bogus protein supplements and call our elected representatives pedophiles. Is that what you want there, GOP? Because that’s where you’re headed. But really, Alex can go fuck off.






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[font size="8"]End Of Mask Mandates?
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We had a much different entry originally planned for this one, folks, so we decided to retrace our steps to see where we went wrong. So here goes. The COVID-19 pandemic is still a thing. And unfortunately it looks like the virus is here to stay and we’ll eventually all come down with a case, no matter how mild or severe it is. But since the pandemic, the question of whether or not we should be wearing face masks has been one of the ultimate circular firing squad arguments. And here’s the thing folks, we were ready to absolutely eviscerate the highly partisan religious whacko MAGA judge in Florida who overturned the mask mandates on airplanes in a right wing effort to say “fuck you” to Biden and Fauci. The truth of the matter is that no one likes to wear these things. I know I have not! But that said, we decided instead to play Devil’s Advocate after hearing about why a much more sane part of the country, Philadelphia, decided to end their indoor mask mandates after previously instating them. So while many cities are ruling on whether or not to begin transitioning to an endemic phase, here’s what is going on with the recent ruling.





Yeah so that happened. But then we saw what the city of Brotherly Love, Philadelphia did with their mandates. And you know what? Is it time to really ditch these things? I know some people who will still wear them no matter what the circumstances are. And we’re cool with that. I see some of you in the audience who are doing just that! But with Philly’s ruling, is it really time to start the beginning of the end of COVID-19? The reality is that we’re no longer in full blow, the sky is falling, end of the world panic mode that we were two years ago.





Yeah so it’s not a total “fuck it” approach the way that Florida is doing things. It’s more of a “wink wink nudge nudge” type of approach. So you don’t have to wear them in public if you don’t want to. Now that said the problem is that we’re not going to completely eliminate this pest that has been plaguing us the last two years. The thing is we’re nowhere close to the level of cases we had two years ago when everyone went into full on panic lockdown mode. But we still need to be at least a little cautious, but not as much as we were two years ago.





Now here’s the thing – it could be worse. So much worse. While we’re all enjoying our freedoms that have been brought thanks to two highly effective vaccines, consider the alternative – China. Their “zero COVID” strategy has been a colossal disaster. But that also serves as a reminder that this nightmare pandemic that we’ve all been living through in the last two years isn’t over yet. But I will say that I would much rather be living in America than living in Shanghai right now. They’re literally erecting fences to keep people inside their homes. Fences! Yeah, seriously, fuck Xi Jianping.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: OC Home Prices
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It's time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Remember when that guy was being interviewed on TV and he said “The rent is too damn high!!” and became an instant meme celebrity? Well he’s not wrong. While many people in the country point to San Francisco and New York as having the highest home prices in the entire country, they’re not wrong. But last week, a new contender emerged. It’s San Francisco’s neighbors to the south, Orange County. Where the average median home price recently topped over $1 million. That’s right – one million. Which puts Orange County high in the running for the highest housing prices in the entire country and maybe even the world. Orange County has one of the nicest climates in the world and a huge range of biodiversity, but if you want to live here, you will have to definitely pony up some serious dough. While the pandemic hit housing prices hard, it particularly skyrocketed in the OC where it was one of the highest in all of the US. And yes, don’t call it that.





Not really, Gordon. Greed isn’t good. Greed only affects one person and that’s the person who is receiving the money. The rest of us have to suffer. And you might be wondering – if housing prices keep going up, they eventually have to go down, right? Wrong! As we are seeing with gas, things will only continue to get more expensive. There’s a chance that things will improve but as to when they will, that’s only a mystery. COVID certainly turned the world upside down and things that were once affordable are now being considered luxuries.





Bernie Sanders gets it. But the simple math spells it out. Things are becoming more and more expensive by the day which means that the average American can afford less and less goods. In simple economic terms, this is, well, bad. But what’s considered a bargain in this day and age? Well there’s one zip code in particular that was being tracked for median housing prices. But we also can’t forget that the loan industry, which is churning out low cost loans as fast as they can print them, is also partially responsible for this latest uptick in housing prices.





Now when something rises in price, eventually the price will drop. At least that is the economic theory anyway. But in reality? Your economic theory is meaningless. The short answer to the housing price crisis? The answer is just like gasoline – you’d better get used to it for the foreseeable future. Because as was previously stated, COVID through the entire world for a loop and turned everything upside down and inside out. Until the supply chain starts correcting itself expect the prices on housing and other every day necessities to remain high.





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: True Cross On The Russian Warship

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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know we live in trying times. There’s a killer virus and a madman with nuclear weapons is threatening to take out most of the Western World. In fact we’ve been watching the news and we have been terrified at what is going on with Vladimir Putin’s illegal and immoral invasion and occupation of the Ukraine. But between the headlines this interesting little nugget of information got lost. That’s right – there’s so much news out there that it is sometimes impossible to tell the difference between fact and fiction. But we do know that Vladimir Putin is the devil himself for he gave us the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare not be spoken in my church! However if you’re here and you’re a regular, you already know that, don’t you? Though I bring this up because the Dark One works for Putin. And lost in the conversation of the war is this story, which probably should be bigger. Though that makes us question whether or not it’s real or not!





Holy shit! So Putin is going full in on the religious angle. But is he right about this or is this just a conspiracy that someone made up? Since it really can’t be proven, I’ll say that it’s a little from column A, a little from column B. But this is one of the more insane stories that we’ve seen in a while here and I can’t say that I am surprised by this one. And just how big of a piece of the true cross was this ship carrying? Well that’s also a mystery. One thing is for sure though is that the good LAWRD JAYSUS would not put up with using his name or image to bomb the shit out of an innocent country from a deranged dictator bent on world domination!





No he isn’t risen yet. At least not that I am aware of. Now you might be asking, how did the devil himself, Vladimir Putin, acquire such a relic and what was it doing on this ship? Well, it is a very complicated story. The short version is that the Russian Orthodox Church was in the process of acquiring a relic from Jerusalem that was believed to have a shard of wood from the cross itself. So in case you’re asking, yes, the piece of wood in this relic was very small. And of course the answer was it was either really large or really small.





So while we in America do embrace the ideas of separation of church and state, or at least we used to until the Dark One and Facebook came along, Russia goes all in on that concept with their own state religion. And in many Orthodox circles, they believe that the True Cross exists and many Christian theorists have different ideas of what the value of owning a piece of this is. The fact that Moskva may have been carrying a piece of it is significant, at least in the fundamentalist eyes. But still they cannot claim to worship the good LAWRD JAYSUS! No, they worship SAYTAN and unholy Dark One, and this illegal occupation. So no, don’t try and play the JAYSUS angle on this one today!





Well that explains everything you need to know. Did Moskva have a piece of the True Cross on board when it sank? Possible. But then again if Putin had such a priceless relic on board, he should have thought about that before sending it out to sea! We’ll keep an eye on this story for sure! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Creepy Hollywood Behavior
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You know, between the Johnny Depp trial and the recent allegations against Bill Murray for being well, Bill Murray, should we really be surprised at the recent creepy old guy behavior coming from old guy Hollywood elites? But if you’re not following the Johnny Depp trial – you absolutely should because it’s fucking insane. I don’t want to get too into this because domestic violence is something that you should never make fun of. However, the drama surrounding the trial between these two is something we can all agree is, right? I mean allow me to channel my inner TMZ showbiz gossip here. So this might be one of the most insane things to come from the trial so far – can you blame some potentially incriminating text messages that you sent your ex on a Monty Python sketch? Because that’s exactly what Mr. Depp did. Yeah no, you can’t pull that crap when you’re on trial there Johnny. Now I bring this up because I am going to prove my point in a bit here.





No, no! Stop the music here! We can’t look on the bright side of this. Let’s talk about creepy behavior coming from creepy guys. You know let’s use some logic here. Guys – stop being creepy! I should know, I am a guy! I am not creepy! If I can be like that, then you shouldn’t be a creep either! It’s not that hard and you should know what to look for when confronting these people. Yeah they may be big Hollywood millionaire movie stars, but you’re you! And the fact that they went there means that you should stick up for yourself.





Here’s the thing guys – and this is a hot take here – if you don’t want to be pegged as a creep, then maybe don’t do creepy stuff! It’s not that hard! If women say “don’t touch my boobs”, then you know what you don’t do? That’s right. But there’s no “#MeToo mob”. Shut up, New York Post. Man do you guys use that much hyperbole? Yikes. And here’s the thing if you get caught being a gross pervert, then own up to it! Because if you don’t, there’s severe consequences waiting for you. Just ask Mr. Murray.





But here’s the thing – you can’t predict who’s going to be the next creepy pervert in Hollywood. Yeah we’ve seen everyone from Johnny Depp to Louis CK to Kevin Spacey to Harvey Weinstein, the list goes on and on. It’s not like there’s a Bet MGM tracker for which Hollywood star is the next one to be outed as a professional ass grabber. Although if there was a Bet MGM tracker for that, it would certainly be very interesting and also creepy as hell. That said, it’s a 50/50 shot because you never know what you really think goes on behind closed doors.








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[font size="8"]How Is This Still A Thing: Let’s Go Brandon Bitcoin
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It's time once again to ask:



This week: The Let’s Go Brandon Bitcoin: How is this still a thing? At the end of last year a new meme was born at the end of the NASCAR semi-championship. When the qualifying driver was being interviewed in the Winner’s Circle, a crowd behind him was chanting derogatory slurs aimed at President Joe Biden. The reporter said that they were chanting “Let’s Go Brandon” instead of what they were actually chanting. That spawned a whole slew of merchandise circulating among the MAGA world – everything from t-shirts to flags to coffee mugs to even rap songs. Yes, rap song. Kid Rock has an entire segment of his live show dedicated to this meme. It even spawned a memecoin similar to Elon Musk’s Dogecoin. The Let’s Go Brandon bitcoin proved to be a huge success in the MAGA community – and become just as much of an overnight failure as was previously promised. Much like everything that Trump does, everything he touches seems to die or fail. And the Let’s Go Brandon bitcoin is the latest in a long line of MAGA failures.





So unlike regular bitcoins, memecoins are mainly considered a joke and are not to be taken seriously under any circumstances. People who purchase memecoins are generally taking a massive risk as they are not as regulated as even bitcoins are. In fact the Let’s Go Brandon bitcoin allegedly attempted to find a sponsorship deal with NASCAR, but even NASCAR decided that sponsorship was a joke and not to be taken seriously. And NASCAR will usually put logos on just about anything. So why does the conservative world and the MAGA world tend to keep pushing this coin? Well you know the old saying about how there’s a sucker born every minute.





Yeah because Candace Owens has the right answer to everything! Oh, wait, she doesn’t have the right answer to everything – that’s why so many of her followers are dying because of her terrible advice on vaccines! But we’ll save that for an entirely different subject altogether. But we cannot overlook the fact that memecoins are a scam in and of themselves, much like NFTs. Really, who buys NFTs? And also who buys memecoins? If there ever was something that’s a colossal waste of money and resources, and the 21st century equivalent of fool’s gold, memecoins are it!





So there you have it, memecoins are a joke and basically a way to pay money for memes and jokes that you can basically get for free. But while Dogecoin is a success – largely because it’s Elon and people will literally buy anything he tells them to, the Let’s Go Brandon bitcoin has been the financial joke that it is and everyone expected it to be. Because unlike Elon Musk – who is like a modern day King Midas in that everything he touches turns to gold, Trump is the exact opposite of that. Everything he touches turns to shit, including his own currency and social media platform.





They got the message across. We get it you guys, you hate Joe Biden. Can you stop it with this chant already? Because it’s losing a ton of money and making you look like idiots. That’s enough to make you ask – the Let’s Go Brandon memecoin:





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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb! Because stupid doesn’t take a holiday and neither do we. I want to preface by telling people exactly what we look for in a People Are Dumb story. Like say a guy gets popped for a DUI at a traffic light. That’s not what makes a People Are Dumb story. Now let’s say that person was wearing a Bugs Bunny costume while lighting a joint with a live alligator in the back seat – you know – your typical day in Florida – that’s a real People Are Dumb story right there! Now here’s the perfect example of what makes a People Are Dumb story. This story comes to us from the Brazillian city of Manaus. Now here’s the thing – if you know emergency room doctors – and I should know since I’m directly related to one – they put up with a lot of really dumb shit on a daily basis. And every ER doctor has a “someone got something stuck up their ass” story because people put things where they don’t belong. Though this gives new meaning to the phrase “shove it up your ass”!. Now how did they get that up there?





That’s just a picture of your behind! Next up – this one comes to us from the state of Oregon! Yes, the Beaver State and the West Coast, we are not immune from stupid people either! So here’s the thing – if you write a book called “How To Murder Your Husband”, it should be a tongue in cheek romance novel with a dark sense of humor, right? What it should not be is a how to guide on how to actually murder your husband! Which is exactly what happened in this trial and it’s one of the more insane stories we’ve heard here yet!





Also, what kind of name is Crampton? I’m sure Shawn and Gus would have a joke or two about that as well. Next up - masturbating on an airplane! Yeah remember Zack Galaifinakis’ scene from the Hangover? Yeah thanks a lot bin Laden! Well this happened and it was on a flight from Boston to ironically, Florida. Yeah there’s no Florida Man involved in this story but it is Florida adjacent and trust me, it gets real weird real quick! But let’s not mistake that it’s one of those things where life imitates art, but this is probably one scene that shouldn’t be imitated!





Next up – of course we can’t get out of here without mentioning the Sunshine State. Florida. Or as Homer Simpson famously referred to it as America’s Wang. So in this story it comes to us from Central Florida. Now here’s the thing – if you’re getting married, last thing you want is for someone to ruin your big day, am I right? But what if – here me out – it’s the actual wedding couple that are the ones that ruined their own big day? And they did so by lacing their wedding cake with marijuana. But of course it is Florida and everything in that state is highly suspect!





Finally this week – beer. And of course it involves the Sunshine State. Who doesn’t love a good tall, frosty one? Well this guy didn’t as he went into a convenience store’s “beer cave” – and here’s the really disgusting part – urinated on the beer supply! In a cold refrigerated place! Yeah it’s multiple levels of wrong here and if you’re going to wreck convenience store property, don’t do it on the beer supply, please! There’s plenty of other things for you to destroy at a convenience store. But as we are saying the beer should definitely not be one of those things!





That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2022
[br] [/font] [br]

16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Folks, we are just one round away from the Final Four being set! Last week it was a great matchup as underdog #4 Tennessee held on against a surging Indiana to win the Family Values Conference Championship! Here’s a highlight reel of last week’s matchup which saw Tennessee winning by 10 to take the Family Values Conference! This week it’s the other league’s turn as the Batshit Conference finals heat up! It’s fan favorite Georgia against surging Arizona. We’re live from the home of Northwestern University, the Credit Union 1 Center in Chicago, IL for all the action! Let’s go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Batshit Conference Finals: Georgia Vs Arizona [/font]

[font size="2"]Georgia [/font]


Georgia is a fan favorite in the Batshit Conference because they constantly elect some ridiculously off the wall people. They are also a bastion of free speech (sarcasm) and the home of the KKK. They elect people like Marjorie Greene and Brian Kemp. Marjorie Greene, of course the favorite Congresswoman of Infowars and Steve Bannon. Someone who is so vile and toxic that she pretty much merits a special category in the Batshit Conference. In fact, she’s so vile and toxic that she got barred from serving on special Congressional committees and may even be barred from reeelction. Which is what separates Georgia from the rest of the Batshit pack!





Thank you Nelson! Maybe next time don’t elect people based on what Facebook memes they post, because that’s what you get. And by the way, remember what I said about hardcore racism? Well it’s very much alive and well in the Peach State. So much that when the former mayor of the ATL, Keisha Lance Bottoms, went to a restaurant, she of course got heckled with racist slurs. Because that’s how white people roll in Georgia. God it’s sad when racism is making a comeback and white supremacy is fashionable again.





Yes, please listen to Alex, everybody! Please refrain from using ethnic slurs. And you know what else makes a state a favorite of Batshit Conference fans? Guns. Yes, the gun humpers have their own NFFSA conference. But that said it doesn’t stop Batshit favorites from enacting their own gun laws which might be just as crazy as the other guy’s. In fact Georgia wants to allow open carry without a license! God, what could possibly go wrong there?





[font size="2"]Arizona [/font]


The Grand Canyon State used to be a member of the Gun Nut Conference, but it was tired of losing to Florida and Texas every year, so it switched to the Batshit Conference. Arizona may have turned blue in the 2020 election but they still have a long way to go because they’re full of some absolutely crazy people. Like governor Doug Ducey for instance. And remember MAGA insurrectionist inciter Josh Hawley (Q – Batshit)? Well he’s got influence. And he’s using his influence to influence some really potentially dangerous candidates. Like the kind if they got into any serious power, they would wreck the kind of havoc that Marjorie Taylor Greene is wrecking.





Gee, you think? Yeah we know that Arizona went blue in the last election, thank you for pointing that out, sir! But we can’t deny that Arizona is home to Maricopa County, which is also home to Joe Arpaio, the man whose name is synonymous with the corrupt sheriff persona. Oh and if you think Doug Ducey is bad, wait until you meet Kari Lake! Who is even more batshit crazy than previously imagined. Yes, Ms. Lake is the kind of person who drank the Q Anon Kool-Aid and wants to fine businesses that force masks on people. Yes, t hat is some serious crazy there!





So you know how Georgia is fighting to keep Marjorie Taylor Greene off the ballot because of how notoriously toxic she is? Well Arizona’s got their own set of representatives that they need to worry about, like Paul Gosar (Q – Batshit), Andy Biggs (R – Gun Nut) and Mark Fincham (Q – Batshit). Really we need an IQ and a mental competency test for people who are running for any position of authority from here on out. Because if these people are the future of the GOP, there’s definitely some serious cause for alarm here.





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Wow, this was a close one! Arizona and Georgia are tied at 89 with a minute to go in the second half, and Georgia has the ball. Georgia for three! YES!!!! Now it’s 92 – 89 with 30 seconds left and a foul was just called on Georgia. One in… second… YES!! And that’s all she wrote folks! Georgia will move on to the Final Four, Arizona goes home! Final score: 94 – 89! Cut that net guys, you earned it!




[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

We’re just one round removed from heading to the Final Four, folks! And it’s going to be a great one as it’s the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference finals! #1 Kansas is taking on #4 Nebraska for a shot at the Final Four! We’re live at the new home of the NHL’s newest franchise, the Seattle Kraken – it’s the Climate Pledge Arena in Seattle! It’s getting exciting folks!


[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Royal Blood[/font]



Folks, my next guest has a great new album called Typhoons! You can see them on tour starting April 30th in Seattle, through May 24th in Boston. Playing their song “Trouble’s Coming”, give it up for Royal Blood!



Credits

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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

April 21, 2022

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12-12: I Wanna Dip My Balls In It Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12-12: I Wanna Dip My Balls In It Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up San Diego? How are you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! So we are midway through Stupidest State 2022 and we have just four – count them – 4 editions left in season 12! Man, this first half of the year just flew by! So to recap Stupidest State – that means we have just four editions left – 2 more in Round 2, then the Final Four, then the Championship! And we’ve had lots of twists and turns and I did not see our two favored states leaving early, right? OK do we have time for the thing? Of course we do. I make no mistake that I love music and rock music in particular. But remember that scene in Dr. Strange when he’s in the operating room and he’s having a debate with his physician’s assistant over which playlist will help him get the bullet out of the patient? It turns out – that’s actually a real thing! Surgeons actually do have playlists of music that they pipe into the operating room during surgeries. So researchers at Heidelberg University in Germany did a study of this and they found that listening to loud music like AC/DC for instance, helped improved the time actually spent on operating procedures! And you know what did not? When they played calming music like the Beatles. That’s right – it had the opposite effect! The next time you want your surgeon to be accurate, suggest they play something like AC/DC or Iron Maiden instead of something like the Beatles! Because… metal! OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first John Oliver is back and he delves into the subject of police interrogations:



So where do we begin this week? In the number one slot this week goes to the GOP (1). When you get publicly embarrassed in a national debate like in 2020, where do you go? Well you pull out of the debate caucus, because that’s what perfectly sane people do. In the second slot this week is premiere Russian warlord Vladimir Putin (2). So the Ukraine sank the famous Russian battleship known as “Moskva” – that ship behind the “F-U” Ukraine middle finger that was recently minted in a stamp! In the number 3 slot this week is Elon Musk (3). Yes, the mastermind behind Telsa and Space X is plotting a hostile takeover of Twitter – and his motives for doing so aren’t good. We see through you, Elon! Taking the number 4 seed is Greg Abbott (4). Yes, the governor of Texas is certifiably batshit insane and he’s going nuclear at the border – and this is mainly to appease Tucker Carlson fans. Fox News is calling the shots here. Taking the number 5 slot this week is the Florida GOP (5) who spends way too much time watching Fox News because they decided to ban math textbooks that teach critical race theory, because they really are that brainwashed. In the number 6 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week, our resident pastor is increasingly alarmed at what might be one of the most batshit insane off the wall conspiracy theories about COVID-19 that we have seen yet. it’s indescribable how crazy this theory is, and that people believe it! At slot #7 this week is a brand new People Who Somehow Got Elected and this week, we’re finally adding Georgia’s batshit crazy Q Anon friendly Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene to that ever growing list! In slot #8 we have a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8). What is Tucker Carlson’s obsession with being the manliest man who’s ever manned? Well we delve his bizarre new documentary “The End Of Man” and whew, when Kid Rock calls you out for being crazy, that’s pretty fucking crazy! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we have a new “I Need A Drink” and this week we are having some drinks and discussing why a zoo in Britain is hiring a Marvin Gaye impersonator to serenade the zoo’s macaca population into mating, and it’s quite the bizarre story! Finally this week it’s time for Stupidest State Round 2 Week 2! Which means that it’s the Family Values Conference championships! Indiana. Tennessee. One of these two will move on to face Missouri in the Final Four! Plus to cap things off, we have one of the best punk bands currently touring, taking a break from Coachella – IDLES are here! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Congressional Republicans
[br] [/font] [br]

History, time, boys and girls! Gather around, don’t be shy! Let me tell you a tale. It’s only been 2 years, but the nightmare year that was 2020 feels like an eternity ago, doesn’t it? So why do I bring it up? Well you might remember when former vice president and guy who the MAGA crowd wanted to hang on January 6th, Mike Pence, not only got his ass kicked in the vice presidential debates, he also got publicly humiliated by a fly (see: Idiots #9-14 ), anyone remember that? It never gets old!



Oh my god… that is still hilarious. So when you’re the GOP and you get your ass kicked like that, where do you go? Well you pull out of the debates entirely! So instead of attempting to find common ground, and hold debates like civilized adults, the GOP instead decided to act like the spoiled children that they are and say “fuck you” to the debate process entirely! So yeah you know the old saying if you cant beat them, join them? Well, in today’s GOP , if you can’t beat them, tell them to go fuck themselves! Yeah that’s their mindset right now.





So apparently the old saying “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” has been replaced by “if you can’t beat ‘em, then fuck you!”. Because that’s what civilized adults do. I mean come on there was that picture of 10 year old kids waving their middle fingers in front of a “Fuck Biden” flag being carried by strippers (and that’s a real thing, BTW), so that’s the kind of class and dignity that we’re dealing with here. But you know they won’t come up with any solutions of their own, they just keep causing chaos. That’s all they are good for.





Oh shut up! Come on, you’re not going to find a newer and better platform. Yeah maybe in the same way OJ Simpson attempts to find the real killers. What? Too soon? Sir, give it a chance, we just got up here. For those of you watching at home there’s people already leaving! But really the GOP has no options. They have no better platform. You know I used to compare MAGA fans to Insane Clown Posse fans. They have their own brands, their own identifying marks, the same boorish behavior, I could go on. So it’s no surprise, at least here, that they’re telling those that want to debate to go fuck themselves.





Oh come on, sure, you’ve even got old ladies telling you to fuck off. You know, when you get your ass kicked, as was completely evidenced by the 2020 elections, you go do some soul searching to find out where you went wrong. But no, today’s GOP doesn’t do that. Instead they went full on authoritarian with their thumbs up their asses, acted like spoiled children and attempted to overthrow an election, and are now whining and moping about. So will there be debates in 2024? Not if you’re going full on authoritarian, and it looks like we’re headed that way. We’re in for some scary times ahead, folks!






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[font size="8"]Vladimir Putin
[br] [/font] [br]

The Ukraine – Russia war is still unfortunately still a thing. Or as we’ve been calling it, Vladimir Putin’s illegal invasion and occupation of Ukraine. I’m being told that actual Ukrainians don’t like it being referred to as “The Ukraine”, so we’ll just call it “Ukraine”. But it seems that Ukraine is getting the upper hand against Pooty. Last week – the Russian warship known as “Moskva” was sunk by Ukrainian missiles in the Black Sea. Now for those of you who have been following the war from the beginning, you might remember that as the warship that Ukrainian boats gave the middle finger to, and that famous scene has recently been immortalized in stamp form. So now what exactly happened in the hours leading up to and including the destruction of the ship? Well there’s a lot to take in here and we will do our best to try to explain everything. But the truth is that Ukraine got the upper hand here and sank a very powerful Russian warship that could have done some major damage.





Well there’s nothing really funny about that, although it is kinda funny. But yeah the thing about this war is that Vladimir Putin was laughably unqualified to carry out such an occupation. And not only did he underestimate the number of troops needed to secure and occupy Ukraine, he also underestimated the number of troops needed to maintain this illegal occupation. But at least Ukraine has a sense of humor about what’s going on even though it’s really hard to, because they’ve immortalized giving the Russian battleship the finger in stamp form!





So getting back to the war, of course if you’re Vladimir Putin and you’re receiving news of this, naturally your first step is to flat out deny it ever happened, right? No, instead you go the Jesus route! Because – this is allegedly true – is that the sunken ship might have been carrying an extra large piece of the true cross. Because sure you have to go there with Putin’s white Christian nationalist base, right? Of course you do.





Holy crap, there really is a Simpsons scene for everything! So what’s next for Ukraine? Well this war ain’t over and as they say, we’ve only just begun. OK so I can’t sing. But you get the idea. So if you’re the Ukraine, you keep fighting. Because that’s what you gotta do. But if you’re Vladimir Putin on the other hand, how do you deal with this? Well at least be thankful of one thing – the nuclear option is not on the table. Although really, the entire world right now is trust Pooty about as far as we can throw him. It is good to know that they draw the line somewhere in their quest for world domination.






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[font size="8"]Elon Musk
[br] [/font] [br]

Last week we reported on Elon Musk, you know him best as the CEO of Telsa and Space X, that he has purchased a controlling share of Twitter with the intent of “transforming the platform”. Of course he has a much more sinister underlying motive – he’s been questioning “big tech” censorship and many are believing that he would let Trump back on the platform if given the chance. Which in all honesty would be an absolutely terrible idea and no good would come of it. And of course by “big tech censorship”, he wants people to be free to say racist and sexist stuff without fear of consequence. Which also, nothing good would come of that. Well since last week, he’s escalated his hostile takeover bid to control Twitter and we have no idea what will come of this, but we can rest assured one thing – something really awful could be brewing. But that said, given Elon’s track record for being an internet troll, MAGA stooge, and a “red pill truther”, whatever that is, we can only be certain that he will not use his new powers for anything even remotely good, only bad.





Ok so you might be wondering – what’s the “poison pill” option? Well it basically means that in the event of a hostile takeover, they can release as much stock as possible to potential investors in order to prevent the hostile takeover. Not only that, people are waking up to what could happen if Elon’s hostile takeover were to succeed. Because, like I said, letting Trump back on the platform – as angry as he is now? If he were given a free pass to be as racist and sexist and threaten violence as much as he wants to, he would be that much bigger of an asshole! This is nothing to celebrate. It’s disturbing.





Yeah so how does Elon respond to this? By tweeting out lyrics to Elvis songs. We shit you not. What happens when the troll takes over the platform? It’s going to be like when Bane takes over Gotham at the end of The Dark Knight Rises. Seriously, imagine what would happen if that courtroom scene were to come to life on the internet. And in case you’re wondering, why yes – Elon does plan to screw over Twitter’s board members. Of course that was also part of his master plan. So he’s your ultimate dirty dealer – with him, he’s the house, and the house always wins.





That’s literally exactly what it’s going to be like. Imagine if Elon gets his way and all the racist and sexist trolls – Trump included – are let back onto the platform. It will be unimaginable chaos. And that’s what Elon is – he’s an agent of chaos. Shit, even the Tesla shareholders think that he’s gone too far with this one. But yeah keep pissing off your own customers, Elon. Let’s see how far that gets you, because in the end, you’ll eventually get screwed.







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[font size="8"]Greg Abbott
[br] [/font] [br]

If you were to look at Texas’s Greg Abbott and Florida’s Ron DeSantis, both members of the Q – Batshit party, it’s almost like they’re in some kind of warped, stupid arms race to see who can be the worst governor in the country. Like 90% of the country’s governors you couldn’t name because they don’t do the kind of batshit crazy things that these two do. And they only do this to please their Fox News loving fan base and that’s about it. It’s a truly scary thing when Greg Abbott is doing the evil bidding of Fox News and literally kidnapping migrant people at the border – and it’s not the number one story this week! This is a jaw dropping, stunning level of evil that one cannot just simply comprehend. Because if you were to begin to comprehend it, it would cause your head to explode and the rest of your surrounding area to catch fire. That’s right you would go nuclear. Now before we get into this – please kindly hold your boos. Save them for after! But really what kind of shithole governor kidnaps people based on what the TV tells them to do?





Holy shit! There’s some serious human rights violations being committed here, and all for the sake to please Rupert Murdoch’s massive ego. It’s truly disgusting what is happening at the border and Greg Abbott needs to be raked over the coals for it. But is he going to be punished for it? Well as we learned from the Kyle Rittenhouse trials, you can get off for just about any crime you can think of if you have a judge who votes the same way you do! But the truth of the matter is that Gov. Abbott stepped in it big time and it’s going to cost the people of Texas big time.





OK… OK let’s extract the underlying irony of this whole thing. Here we have Mr. Fiscal Conservative himself, Greg Abbott, literally costing the state BILLIONS, and it’s all just a massive publicity quid pro quo stunt designed to win him points with the Fox News crowd for his potential 2024 run. Good freaking god these people suck. And Fox News certainly knows how to pick ‘em, don’t they? And you know the even crazier thing – they’ll inspect trucks carrying suspected migrants. But they won’t inspect trucks carrying Trump signs and MAGA flags even though you know they are committing crimes, because reasons.





Oh by the way remember what I said about Greg Abbott and Ron DeSantis? Well add Arizona’s Doug Ducey to the mix, who’s another proud card carrying member of the Q-Batshit party to the mix and you’ve got some sort of stupid governor trifecta. Wait, here me out - maybe add Georgia’s Brian Kemp and Alabama’s Kay Ivey and you’ve got Vultron! Yes, five batshit crazy governors come together to create one super batshit crazy governor! That’s right – they’ve announced the creation of their own Border Strike Force! And I do feel like any time you name a government task force for something that sounds like it comes out of a children’s cartoon, you should be very alarmed!






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[font size="8"]Florida GOP
[br] [/font] [br]

You just know that Florida Man Ron DeSantis (Q - Fox News) is one of those guys where every time you look into his eyes, you know he’s going to do something ridiculously dumb that’s meant to score points with his Fox brainwashed fanbase and that’s about it. And you might think this is an isolated incident, but hell no. It’s part of a long standing ridiculous pattern with him. And it’s only going to get worse. His latest blunder? The Florida GOP is going after math textbooks that they claim are teaching the dreaded Critical Race Theory! Yes, you heard me! They are going after math textbooks because of Critical Race Theory. It just sounds so stupid. Especially when you extrapolate this and realize that they are banning textbooks because the loud angry white guys on their news network of choice told them that this is what they should be outraged about. OK people it’s time to turn off Fox News and come back to the real world, OK? Really they just get nuttier and nuttier and nuttier.





OK seriously… how the hell do you teach “woke math”? What the hell is that? I don’t speak Fox News so I don’t know. But if you want an example of Woke Math, how about this? 2 height-challenged transgender Latino Eskimo destroy 2 statues of Confederate Civil War generals. How many statues are left? The correct answer to that problem is 2 – 2 = 0. And the people in charge of the Florida school system are a bunch of zeroes, all right. Just when I think I have seen the end of their insanity, they reach new depths of depravity on a daily basis!





Uh oh… you can’t have an independent thought when the cult is running the show! You know that cults don’t like independent thought! But here’s the most bizarre part of this – not only can the Florida Dept. of Education not provide any examples of “Woke Math”, but they’re not showing us any examples of problems that they find “objectionable”. So here’s the thing – they say there’s a problem with these books, but they won’t tell you what it is, or they won’t tell you what their solution is! You want to know why? They have none. None whatsoever.





Yeah that’s pretty much exactly how I feel. That’s what happens when you let a news network with a dangerous agenda control your thought process. You tend to think 100% irrationally. But the thing is people really need to turn off Fox News and come back to the real world. Because, I’m going to let you in on a little secret – outside of Fox News viewers, nobody gives a shit about this stuff!!! Only people who watch Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity do! And the only reason they’re mad about this is because they lost one of their playthings now that their boy is no longer in the White House!






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: Cobra Venom & Satan’s DNA
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know… you know I’ve been around. I’ve seen every crazy conspiracy in the book. But this one might be one of the craziest theories I’ve seen yet in my many days on this planet. But when you have the children of this fair planet of ours even afraid to drink the water supply, that’s about as far out there as it gets. I mean, I was completely dumbfounded when this story came across my desk. When someone who believes in a conspiracy theory as out there as the fact that the water supply contains cobra venom and the COVID vaccine contains Satan’s DNA? Well the short answer is you don’t. Also, why is there no metal band yet called Satan’s DNA yet? I feel like that should be rectified! But the simple fact of the matter is that we cannot deny that their theories are getting weirder and nuttier, and there seems to be no end in sight! Oh and expect things to get much worse before they get better. That you can count on, because it says so in our Good Book!





That’s right – in a world where batshit crazy theories and people who reject what is actually reported on the real news exists, these theories seem to be getting nuttier and nuttier! But I’ve never heard of anything this flat-out absurd before. So what is this theory? And why is it important? I feel like it’s important to know these things because this is who we are dealing with. We are dealing with people who are completely out of their minds! And they do not worship the good LAWRD JAYSUS! No, they worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul and depraved and disgusting that his name dare not be spoken in my church! Really this is beyond the pale, even for them!





You know, that’s what happens when you worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! For he will lead you off the cliffs of depravity! Instead you should follow the good LAWRD JAYSUS! For the shepherd can lead his flock astray, it says so in our Good Book! But of course they will tell you that they aren’t sheep. They are lions, don’t you know? And that doesn’t even make a whole lot of sense. When have you ever seen a lion eat a sheep? They could but they don’t coexist in the wild! But then again, facts and logic do not matter to this crowd! Only fake outrage does!





Wow. Just… wow. You know I never take the GOOD LAWRD’s name in vein but I feel like I have to take an exception to this one. Jesus. That’s your whole definition of why we shouldn’t be in a pandemic is because of the literal Latin definition of Corona? I swear it’s like any time you think you’ve seen the bottom of the Q stupidity, new depths are reached on an almost daily basis! You know, how insane do you have to be to make a documentary like this? And not only that, how insane do you have to be to *BELIEVE* a documentary like this? So many questions!





Holy crap. This might be one of the most insane things I’ve ever seen done by and to the religious right, and that’s saying a lot in all of the years we’ve been doing this! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]People Who Somehow Got Elected: Marjorie Taylor Greene
[br] [/font] [br]

Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:



This week: Georgia’s Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q – Batshit). Look, there’s your normal, average every day batshit crazy politician, and then there’s Marjorie Taylor Greene, who takes your normal , average, every day batshit crazy politician and elevates that level of crazy to Mt. Everest levels of crazy. Yes, when she’s not complaining about being booted off of essential House committees because of her boorish behavior, she’s going on right wing podcasts like Steve Bannon and Alex Jones to complain about how her coworkers are disrespecting her. Because that’s what perfectly sane and rational people try to do. But her bizarre and extremist behavior could get her barred from future elections. And that’s only a good thing, because Marjorie Greene does not have America’s best interests at heart, especially if her recent voting agenda is any indication of where her loyalty lies. But there is a movement to get her blocked from the ballot to be able to run for reelection again and that could potentially be a good thing.





Yeah so Marjorie Greene and Madison Cawthorn might be in big trouble for their role in the January 6th Insurrection. But the sad thing is that the MAGAs don’t get fired or punished for anything. But the fact that Marjorie Greene has this campaign against her only proves that she shouldn’t have been elected to Congress in the first place. When you’re that toxic, that’s pretty toxic. So the question now is how do you solve a problem like Marjorie Greene? Well the only solution really is to bar them from ever holding office and that’s what this lawsuit seems to do.





And on another note, you know how whenever the entire world is against something, then maybe you shouldn’t do that thing? Well, Marjorie does that thing. Because the entire world is against Russia and Vladimir Putin’s illegal and immoral invasion and occupation of Ukraine, and most of the entire world is against it, Marjorie’s votes are sticking out like a sore thumb. At this point, a vote for Marjorie is literally a vote for Putin and his evil regime. So yeah maybe don’t vote for Marjorie Greene, because you enable her bidding and Putin’s as well.





Yeah so defending Putin and supporting the January 6th insurrection, plus being a Trump superfan is enough to get Marjorie Greene demoted and kicked out of most of her Congressional duties, and of course she’s playing the victim, despite being the bully. Which is a typical MAGA talking point. They talk trash but when they so much as get a mere tap on the shoulder, they scream and run in the opposite direction. But this might be the most egregious of Marjorie’s many misdeeds – speaking at an event hosted by white nationalist Nick Fuentes – despite that there’s a picture of her standing right next to him!





So going full Nazi, praising Russian warlord Vladimir Putin, and being too toxic for Congress. That’s Georgia’s Marjorie Taylor Greene, yet another one of the unfortunate examples of:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner: Tucker’s Testicle Tanning
[br] [/font] [br]



Welcome back to our segment where we attempt to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Yes, in a time when everyone questions the news, people turn to conspiracy theories to explain what the news can’t. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter deep in the heart of the New Mexico Badlands, undisclosed location, of course! Just let me adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. You know, they are trying to read yours and my thoughts, after all! This week we have to talk about an absolutely bizarre new documentary from our old buddy Tucker Carlson. The documentary is called “The End Of Man”. You know, maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never seen a group of people more insecure about their sexual identity more than white males who watch way too much Fox News than they probably should. You know what? Can we roll the trailer for that because it’s truly indescribable how insane this is.

https://twitter.com/NikkiMcR/status/1515130557675581442

What……. And I cannot emphasize this enough…………. The fuck??? Dude, seriously is this a list of Tucker’s insecurities or his fanbase in general? Anyway this raises way more questions than it answers and it’s going to get real weird real quick.





OK I have many questions here. And the first and most important one is: why? But really, testicle tanning is a thing? And also why is there no punk band called “The Testicle Tanners” yet? I feel like putting your balls up to a UV light would have the opposite effect of what it’s supposed to do, am I right? I really can’t wait for the inevitable CDC report where they tell you that you’re a fucking idiot if you try this. Maybe not the official words that the CDC will use in their report but it gets the point across! Although if you tell the MAGAs that you shouldn’t do something, they will do it anyways, because, fuck you, that’s why! But really Tucker is going to get mercilessly mocked for this and he totally deserves every bit of it!





Yeah not only is it homoerotic, I got some serious 2001 vibes from that trailer. And come on isn’t that scene called “The Dawn Of Man”?



Oh I’m playing around enough. But is this really the answer to America’s masculinity crisis? The short answer is: no. The longer answer is: what masculinity crisis? America is not being run by the dude bros right now and that’s a good thing. But don’t think for a minute that we’re not letting Tucker get away with what has to be one of the craziest things we’ve seen since we started this segment! But come on, let’s let white insecure males run the show, what could go wrong?





Well so my question now is this really the solution to the end of man or is this an informercial for a testicle tanning booth? Excuse me a minute…. Thank you graphics department, that’s exactly how I pictured a testicle tanning booth to look! But really this is one of those things when you hear it, you immediately drop what you are doing and just go “What the serious fuck????”. Because that’s the only thing that can prepare you for something as absurd as testicle tanning. But when even Kid Rock gives you a WTF look, that’s when you really need to stop and question your life choices. And, I got to be honest, I side with Kid Rock on this one!








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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey San Diego, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know by now that the idea of this segment is that we have some drinks and talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. This week? We’re going to talk about monkeys. That’s right – monkeys. So tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about monkeys mating? A banana daquiri? Interesting choice. Though I think I will stick to my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. I call it the “Double Jack”. So this week there’s a bizarre story coming out of Bristol – that’s in the UK don’t you know? Well apparently they are having trouble getting their monkey population to mate. So what’s the natural solution to this? Why you hire Marvin Gaye to serenade the monkeys with love songs! Well, Marvin Gaye wasn’t available, because he’s um, what you might call “deceased”. That means of course you get the next best thing which is a Marvin Gaye impersonator – and on a zoo’s budget I can’t imagine they would be hiring for quality. Needless to say, that backfired on them big time.





OK… OK… OK. I have many questions here. And probably all of them, I’m guessing none of them, will get answered. First off, the most important question I have is… why? Second, what’s more romantic than a badly sung version of a Marvin Gaye classic? And why go the janky route? At least they didn’t go with the Whitney Houston classic “I Will Always Love You”, we want the monkeys to mate, damn it, not attack the zookeepers and fling their poop! But there is definitely more to this story than you might think. They had good intentions, but they were poorly executed.





Well, duh, no wonder the monkeys are having a hard time mating,. Shit, if you’ve got free reign to choose whatever partner you want and aren’t in a committed relationship, of course the bachelor monkeys are going to rule the forest! Think of it like when you go to a bar to meet women and there’s 15 other dude bros attempting to ask out the one cute girl who’s there sitting at the end of the bar with her friends. But you know this isn’t the first attempt that scientists have had attempting to resurrect a previously endangered species to healthy population levels.





Ah yeah there’s the stuff! But come on, what’s more romantic than telling a bunch of sex obsessed monkeys with multiple partners “Let’s get it on”? And again – really glad they didn’t choose “I Will Always Love You”. So how did the monkeys respond to the mating ritual? Well the one thing is that the macaque gestation period is 8 months from now, so we won’t know the answer to that until that happens, and when it does you can bet we’ll drink to it! But the monkeys were actually receptive to the music, so the next time your partner questions your choice of love songs, you can tell them that it’s a natural response!






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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2022
[br] [/font] [br]

16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Folks, last week was one for the ages! We were in Kentucky for the Gun Nut Conference championship when Missouri stunned longtime conference favorite and last year’s champion Texas and secured our first spot in the Final Four! This week it’s the Family Values Conference finals! The winner will go on to challenge Missouri for a spot in the championship round! The loser will go home! Who will it be this time around? Will it be red hot underdogs Tennessee or will it be North Carolina who defeated the #1 seed Alabama to advance to the finals? We’re live in the capital of Missouri, the University of Missouri for all the action! Let’s go live to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Family Values Conference Finals: North Carolina Vs Tennessee [/font]

[font size="2"]North Carolina [/font]


The Tar Heel State shot to the top of the Family Values Conference because they are home to some serious crazy. Outside of Raleigh-Durham, rural North Carolina is nothing but small towns which means their only social life is the church. Which means that it’s a melting pot of right wing religious whackjobs and ultra-far right white nationalists. So put them together and you have some of the craziest politicians in the game. I give you a man who wants to be the Glen Youngkin of North Carolina, Mark Robinson who we have covered in past seasons. But this dude is fucking nuts, like completely off his rocker insane. And these are the exact kind of people who shouldn’t be leading.





Yeah but this conference isn’t about nationalism or Christian nationalism, is it? Well that does explain a lot about what’s driving these “family values”. Its’ about abortion and while you’re not looking, the Tar Heel State passed a whole bunch of laws on the subject. And none of them are what any sane individual would call “good”. They are all bad. In fact they could decide the outcome of the 2022 elections in the Tar Heel State. So that being said…





Yeah what happens when they overturn Roe V Wade? Which is where we all know this movement is heading. And leave it to Family Values states like North Carolina, Mississippi, Alabama, Ohio, and Arkansas to lead the way. But that said the GOP is going all in on the abortion issue and don’t expect it to go away no matter what happens in the 2022 or 2024 elections. Because things are getting very scary out there. And well they could propel the Family Values Conference to the top of the NFFSA!





[font size="2"]Tennessee [/font]


Since we do encourage gambling here at the NFFSA, let’s show our official Bet MGM meter from the last match when Tennessee was in it. OK it goes from a win probability of 24% in the first half, to a win probability of 97% in the second half. They scored a whopping 25 unanswered points. And how did they do it, you might ask? Well they passed a new law that overturns the basic legal age at which one can get married. That’s right – Tennessee just enabled child brides! If you think that’s fucked up, you are not alone on this one! So to extrapolate this, the party that’s accusing their opponents of being perverts and pedophiles, is actively enabling perverts, rapists, and pedophiles! And this law is not going away any time soon!





So let me get this straight – you’re now walking back the proposed law that would over turn the 18 year legal requirement for one to be on this earth for marriage? Well you think the backlash was uncalled for on this one? Yes, we do too! And let me also get this straight – gay marriage wrong. Child marriage, perfectly OK! Well that’s the morals and values crowd for you! A dash of racism, a dash of nationalism, a cup of some hardcore religious insanity – yeah it’s a cake recipe! But unlike cakes, this one isn’t delicious at all!





OK so we’ve shit talked this bill enough. But what about that other bastion of family values elected officials – abortion? Yes, if they can’t overturn Roe V. Wade, they’re doing everything in their power to suppress what people can actually do under the ruling. But have anti-abortionists and hardcore right wing religious nuts gone too far in this one? Well it’s tricky to answer that question, but we’ll definitely be monitoring this madness until the 2022 midterms and the 2024 presidential elections. Of course no one will debate this issue, since conservatives get their ass kicked on it. So…





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Was there any debate about this one? Well Tennessee had some strong competition from North Carolina in the second half, but has since pulled it out. They are ahead – 89 – 86 with 30 seconds left to go. Tennessee for 3… YES!!! Oh a foul! Now Tennessee has the ball… they shoot, they score! And that’s the game, folks! Tennessee moves on! Final score: 93 – 86!



[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

It’s Round 2 Week 3 which means that it’s the Batshit Conference Finals! Georgia vs Arizona, one of these states will advance to the Final Four! We’re live in the Windy City at the University Of Illinois for all the action!



[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]IDLES[/font]

Folks, my next musical guest are one of the best punk bands out there right now, they have a great new album out called “Crawler”! You can see them at the Outdoor Theater at Coachella next Friday! Playing their song “The Beachland Ballroom”, give it up for IDLES!



Thank you San Diego! We’re back at our old home at Flappers in Burbank next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
IDLES Appear Courtesy Of: Partisan Records
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: SOMA Theater, San Diego, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
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Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

April 14, 2022

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12-11: Wheel Of Corruption: Let There Be Carnage Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12-11: Wheel Of Corruption: Let There Be Carnage Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yo what’s up Orlando? How are you guys doing? Are you doing fucking good? Great! So we started Round 2 of Stupidest State which means the conference championships are happening! Man did anyone see that matchup between Tennessee and Indiana coming? That was ridiculous! But this season has been full of great matchups. Anyway we got the famous Wheel Of Corruption here ready to do business and the wheel is polished and ready! Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! This week let’s talk about one of my favorite people, Jack White. You know he’s got his new album called Fear Of The Dawn which is excellent if you haven’t heard it yet. Well, anyway he got married last week in the most Jack White way possible. So he was playing a sold out show at Detroit’s famous Masonic Temple on the first show of his Supply Chain Issues tour, and it was his first show in four years. Anyway he brings up on stage his longtime girlfriend Olivia Jean and proposes to her halfway through the White Stripes classic song “Hotel Yorba”. Then – they go and literally get married during the song. Not only that, he’s got a second album coming out later this year called “Entering Heaven Alive”. Man if only we could put out that kind of output in a year and do something crazy like that on stage. We have one hour a week at that coveted Thursday at 2:00 PM time slot! We’re pulling down… what? Comedy podcast money? If only we could be Jack White. Lol. OK enough of my rambling, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first John Oliver is back and he delves into the issue of cybersecurity and throws it back at the people who made data harvesting possible:



So the Wheel is back and where do we begin this week? In the number one slot this week is of course Vladimir Putin (1). Yes, the premier Russian warlord has stepped very deeply into it and it is costing Russia big time – especially in the area of trade where it is no longer a “favored nation” due to the ongoing illegal occupation of the Ukraine. In the second slot this week is the Secret Service (2) because of a scandal unfolding that is way too bizarre to be believed, but in this day and age it’s totally predictable because of Biden Derangement Syndrome. In the third slot this week is Marjorie Greene (3) because Q Anon’s favorite congresswoman apparently can’t take a joke and is taking it out on late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel because, reasons. Expect Jimmy to fire back on all fours. In the number 4 slot this week is Truth Social (4). Yes, Trump’s social media experiment is proving to be quite the colossal disaster, like most things that Trump puts his name on. Speaking of social media, in the number 5 slot this week is Elon Musk (5). Yes, the Tesla CEO channeled his inner Bond villain by buying a controlling stake in Twitter, which prompted speculation that he would let Trump back on the platform, but now is maybe thinking that would be a terrible idea. In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in Holy Shit (6) and this week we’re talking about Q Anon as a substitute for religion – and their so-called “prophets” are just as batshit insane as you might expect them to be! Our resident pastor is going to need a strong shot of holy water after this one! In the number 7 slot this week, we have a new “Beating A Dead Horse” (7) – Another week, another MAGA boycott and this week, their fighting with Disney over Florida’s extremely controversial “Don’t Say Gay” bill is reaching ridiculous proportions! In the number 8 slot this week is a new Conspiracy Corner (8) and wait until you hear the latest batshit insane theory about Space Force. Wow, the Q nuts have really gone off the deep end with this one! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we have a new People Are Dumb (9) but this week it’s one of our famous all Florida editions! Because Florida Man always has crazy stories to report, but we may have the Florida Man story to end all Florida Man stories this week! Finally this week, we have Stupidest State 2022 (10)! This week it’s Round 2 Week 1 which means it’s the Gun Nut Conference championships! Texas battles red hot underdogs Missouri for a spot in the Final Four and it’s going to be one for the ages! Plus as the palate cleanser, we have some live music from the man, the myth, the legend that is the great Weird Al Yankovic joining us! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Vladimir Putin
[br] [/font] [br]



Of course you know the rules by now – I spin the wheel and we have to talk about whatever it lands on. Of course if it lands on the guacamole option, you know that it costs $1.50 extra. And the wheel is all new with lots of items on it! Here’s what is on the wheel this week:

- Guns
- Abortion
- Crime
- Poverty
- Capitol Riots
- Treason
- Buy A Vowel
- Whammy
- Food
- Elections
- Nazi Germany
- The Border
- Donald Trump
- The GOP
- Clip Without Context
- Death
- Fox News
- COVID-19
- Something Random In The News
- ‘Merica!
- Chance
- 5,000
- Homosexuality
- The US Constitution
- Russia
- Clip Without Context
- Top 10 Investigates
- Conspiracy Corner
- Morally Bankrupt
- Guacamole
- My Pillow
- Holy Shit
- Beating A Dead Horse
- This Fucking Guy
- How Is This Still A Thing?
- Red State Diaries
- Intermission
- Double Whammy
- 10,000
- People Are Dumb
- I Need A Drink
- Infowars
- Go Directly To Jail
- T-Shirt Cannon
- Lightning Round
- Bonus Spin

So with all that, let’s get going! Spin that shit! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP! Hey it’s one of our patented Clips Without Context!



Yeah at that point you might as put the robes on and call yourself a Grand Wizard and get it over with already. Let me look at the list of popular country music stars – there’s white guy, white guy, white guy, white woman, white woman, white woman… I could go on and on. Spin it again! Russia! You know that premiere Russian warlord Vladimir Putin is currently becoming one of the most increasingly hostile threats the world has ever seen. While he’s taking over the Ukraine, his troll army is busy pitting countries against each other over social media propaganda. And his plan is working. Unfortunately, it’s costing Russia big time, not just economically, but it’s now costing Russia on the world stage. The world is finally waking up to Pooty’s evil deeds and while Putin wants to take over the world, he may not live long enough to see it. And that’s before his evil deeds start taking their toll on Mother Russia. In fact here’s more.





Thank you Nelson! Yeah so Putin’s evil misdeeds are costing Mother Russia big time and it’s only going to get worse for him. The bad thing is that when you punish Putin, you’re also punishing the people of Russia, a lot of whom don’t want anything to do with Putin’s illegal invasion and occupation of the Ukraine. But right now I’m very thankful to have Joe Biden as our president because he is handling the Ukraine situation better than anyone could have expected. Just think what would happen if we had Trump in charge. No, as a matter of fact, let’s not.





Thank you Mr. President! See? This is why we need a competent leader in the White House right now during this horrendous time. Because Biden is telling it like it is and Putin needs to be taken down more than a few kegs. The sooner he and his troll army are wiped from existence, the better. But the US is finding new allies too – even Japan has had enough of Putin’s bullshit and is deciding to put the smackdown on Russia. The thing is that Vladimir Putin needs to be stopped before he steamrolls all of Europe. He’s essentially Hitler version 2.0.





Come on! Even Mr. Burns is against Russia! So as the world continues to see what an absolute monster Vladimir Putin is, it’s costing Putin big time. He cannot keep up this ridiculous and illegal war on the Ukraine much longer. Because not only is Russia continuing to get its’ ass kicked, it’s also costing both Putin and the Russian people big time. You know the saying about how it takes a century to build something and then some jackass comes in with a wrecking ball and ruins it in 5 minutes? Well Putin is that jackass. The sooner he’s wiped from the world, the better.






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[font size="8"]Fake Secret Service Agents
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin the wheel shall we? Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! And it lands on… Something Random In The News!





Excuse me a minute… spin it again! And it lands on… Treason. Well maybe this is not specifically defined in the Constitution as treason but it’s definitely borderline here. As we were putting together last week’s edition, I got this story across my desk about a potentially huge scandal developing in the Capitol Beltway about the fact that there might have been fake Secret Service agents protecting Joe Biden. Yeah remember the funeral scene in the Dark Knight when Commissioner Gordon is giving the speech and then all of a sudden a guy who looks like the Joker appears among the firing squad? Yeah picture that scenario happening in real life. The thing is that the Former Guy has been touting about the “fake” and “stolen” election for well over a year and a half now. But what this latest development paints is that they’re desperate. Who knows how compromised the federal government is with people who are supporters of the Former Guy that would put President Biden in great harm? The easy answer to that question is we don’t know. But it’s a hell of a lot more complicated than that. Yes, we don’t know the answer. But the fact that Former Guy had people on the inside of the Secret Service that were exposed is extremely troubling.





Yeah really, picture that scenario happening in real life. Holy shit! And you know, maybe it’s just my scam-o-meter that has been overworked in the last two years because we have been flooded with all kinds of scams and junk calls, but anyone offering free stuff like that is automatically suspect. And the more you dig into this story, the weirder it gets. And believe me, we will be covering this story as it develops. But who knows how deep this goes? Yes, that’s what she said.





Yeah this is like if the Joker were running things, though maybe not dressed in a clown suit. Now here’s where this story gets weird because you knew it was going to. I hate to use the Daily Mail but that was my only resource on this part of the story. The DC police were tipped off about a year ago after the Insurrection. And they apparently did nothing while these sleazebags were cozying up to the new President and First Lady by offering DHS agents free stuff. And come on, there’s some massive red flags in this story.





That just raises further questions! What were the cigars for? And like I said the further you go down the rabbit hole on this story, the weirder it gets. Yes there were people attempting to use the DHS to get close to the Secret Service detail protecting President Biden. What’s even weirder is that there may be more people involved. Who knows how far this goes? We may be only beginning to scratch the surface, but the fact remains that we think that Trump may have people on the inside of the people protecting President Biden. We will be very closely following these developments.






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[font size="8"]Marjorie Greene
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! Chance!



Cool, I get a Get Out Of Jail Free card! I’ll just put that away for later. Spin it again! And it lands on… Infowars. Oh crap do I really have to talk about Infowars? Make me. OK fine. Well it’s not so much Infowars as it is Infowars’ favorite Congresswoman, Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q – Batshit). Here’s the thing that I have noticed about the MAGA community as closely as we have followed them in the last 5 years. They cannot take a joke. They have no sense of humor whatsoever. Yeah it’s like the whole Will Smith and Chris Rock debacle. Only with less pimp slapping and more “you’re a fucking idiot” kind of negative feedback. But really they have the nerve to call us “whiny snowflakes who can’t take a joke” but literally they are whiny snowflakes who can’t take a joke. As is evidence with our good friend Marjorie Taylor Greene. Remember when Trump had that massive feud with Alec Baldwin over his Saturday Night Live impersonation? Yeah this is that only with a member of Congress who is certifiably batshit insane and a late night talk show host who enjoys being the butt of their jokes.





These people are seriously Cartman. They talk a lot of trash. But that’s all they have. But unlike most insult comics, they can dish it out but they sure as hell can’t take it. Hell, Cartman gets so much as a tap on the shoulder and he starts crying. That’s Marjorie Greene. Now look no one loves a good beef more than I do. And this is definitely one of the beefiest beefs I’ve ever seen! And like most comics who know a thing or two about dishing it out, Jimmy Kimmel decided to have some fun with this, which is why I love him for that!





Ha ha ha ha… no offense to Jimmy but I’m seriously calling next week’s “Marjorie Greene and the Temple Of Dumb”. Seriously, making fun of the MAGAs is like shooting fish in a barrel. It’s basically the ultimate circular firing squad. Like you know how the Taliban, ISIS, and al’Qaeda are famous for not having a sense of humor? Well, the MAGAs fall very firmly into that group. But again the whole debate of Jimmy Kimmel vs Marjorie Greene is a lot like the Will Smith and Chris Rock debacle – who had the worse action? Ready! Aim! Pull!





Yeah that’s the fucking irony – Marjorie Greene is requesting to seek the protection of the Capitol Police after denying them funding after they got the shit beat out of them during the Capitol Insurrection. And don’t think for a minute that we can’t look this stuff up! It’s all there! But she must be getting nervous because either she’ll be named in January 6th insurrection or she’ll be voted out of office in November because the people are tired of her antics. So yeah she talks a lot of shit, but we’re hoping that her days are numbered!






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[font size="8"]Truth Social
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Let’s give the wheel a nice, strong spin shall we? And it lands on…. Come on, no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP! Hey, it’s one of our patented clips without context!



You do realize that this is cancel culture, right, Hipster Jesus? But yeah let’s go after Disney. Can’t have an independent thought in the cult. Holy crap these people are crazy. Spin it again! And it lands on… social media! You know that if you’re in this audience, you already know that there’s a long list of failed products that bear the Trump logo. Trump Steaks. Trump Vodka. Trump Casinos. Trump Airlines. Trump Bottled Water. Trump University. Now we can add Trump Social Media to the list. That’s right – Truth Social, the media platform created by Trump and former national security risk, er, advisor Devin Nunes (Q – Batshit). It’s funny to think that these people were actually in charge of NATIONAL SECURITY. Hell, I wouldn’t trust them to run security at an ATM. Anyways, like most products bearing the Trump name, Truth Social was a colossal failure, and I’m not at all shocked that it happened that way. And I love that Business Insider referred to it as a “conservative ghost town that’s been overrun by bots”. Now, Trump is treating Truth Social the same way he treats Big Mac wrappers and umbrellas – he throws them on the ground and expects someone else to clean up his mess for them. Here’s how bad it is – and this exactly what happens when you put a bunch of pissed off, incompetent tech advisors in a room and expect them to come up with something, anything.





Except we can all agree that Trump isn’t exactly taking lessons from Master Yoda here. Because let’s face it, Truth Social is a colossal disaster. And just like he ran the White House, the executive directors of the company are treating the position like it’s a revolving door. And yet Trump wants to be back in the White House? He could barely run his social media company. Really it’s mind boggling to think that he could be running the country again in 2024. I wouldn’t trust him to run a McDonalds.





That sounds more like him. But of course if you listen to the idiots actually running Truth Social, you wouldn’t know that. They’re in full blown “nothing to see here, please disperse” mode. Because when you’re down on your luck, you go to the place where everyone knows your name. No, I’m not referring to Cheers. I’m referring to Fox News, because if you say exactly what the cult wants to hear, they will not only eat it up, they’ll actually believe it! You know the old saying – with friends like these, who needs enemies?





And by the way, in the MAGA influencer world, not getting an invite to Truth Social is like not getting an invite to your third cousin’s destination wedding at a remote mountain resort in Maine. You know that you’re not going to actually attend, but you’re pissed if you don’t get the invite. Seriously, Trump himself hasn’t posted on his own platform yet. But while Truth Social may have lit the MAGA world on fire for a brief period, there might be a new contender emerging for the king of the far right social media world. Yes, we talk shit about Gab, Parler, Dlive, and Telegram but this might be the platform to watch for extremists.






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[font size="8"]Elon Musk
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Let’s hit the spin cycle, shall we? And it lands on… no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! Intermission! It’s time to take a break. Don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here and watch funny pet videos on Tik Tok! Oh look at that large dog, he’s playing with some goats! Cue the music! I’ll wait!



Spin it again! And it lands on… social media. Folks, unless you were living under a rock last week, you know that Tesla and Space X CEO and extreme far right weirdo Elon Musk bought a $2 billion stake in Twitter. And like most bad ideas, his advisors probably told him that his questioning of “social media censorship” and “shadow banning” was probably a bad idea. But remember that episode of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia where they were attempting to emulate the A Team formula with Charlie being the proverbial “wild card”? Well that’s exactly what Elon Musk is – he’s that wild card. And if he’s on your board of directors, that could probably be a really bad thing. Wild cards are definitely meant for action movies and sitcoms whether it’s the Fast and Furious or it’s Guardians Of The Galaxy. But you know what they’re not meant for? The board room.





Wild card bitches!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!! Yeah that’s not the person who you want to have on your board of directors. Especially if your platform is currently under scrutiny for “media censorship” – which has long been a talking point of Trump / Fox News fans. Now it’s widely known that Elon is a Red Pill Truther and MAGA superfan. Which immediately puts him in the “garbage person” territory because that’s the kind of people that movement attracts. Which, after Elon made the announcement, it immediately fueled speculation that Trump would be let back on Twitter, and that would be a very bad thing.





Yeah come on, right? Letting Trump back on is something that only his deranged fans asked for, and let’s face it – absolutely no good can come of this. The fact that he was even thinking it was a bad idea unto itself! And since the purchase, what has he used the platform for? Accusing celebrities that they’re not tweeting enough. Because nothing attracts customers more than seeing your high profile members getting harassed for not using it enough! Maybe, and I’m just spit balling here, because they have better things to do?





Way to go there, Elon! Nothing like spending $2 billion just to be a dick, right? Well just like the Joker in the Dark Knight, Elon is an agent of chaos. He’s also a furry cat and a private island fortress away from becoming a James Bond villain. I mean come on, if you’re going to be a real life Ernest Starvo Blofeld, you might as well go all the way, right? But the way to reach out to the Twitter platform to see what needs to be changed is to intimidate your customers, right? At least he made tons of money off of this deal, so what’s a couple billion to throw away?






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: Q Anon Dark Prophecies
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Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin, shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… oh hey look it’s one of our patented Clips Without Context!



OK… OK… First off, what… and I cannot emphasize this enough… the fuck??? I don’t know a lot, but I’m pretty sure that vaccines don’t work on human thought. They work on the immune system and that’s about it. Boy these people are getting weirder and weirder, aren’t they? Spin it again! Hey! It’s time for Holy Shit!

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! We’ve got a fun one for you this week because we are going to delve into the alternate religion known as Q Anon. That’s right – you know of Q Anon as the batshit crazy cult built around supporters of the Unholy, Ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man who is so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! But why is there an entire religion built around his nonsense? Well it of course started in the very darkest corners of the online world, like most bad things. Their theories are getting nuttier and nuttier and nuttier. I mean what kind of sick, twisted, and depraved mind do you have to have in order to come up with things like believing that the president was executed and replaced with a body double? That’s some pretty messed up shit and it’s not something that the good LAWRD JAYSUS would believe! But they’re coming out of the basement and into the mainstream!





Yes the devil most certainly walks among us, and that devil, need I remind you, is the unholy Dark One himself! That man is so foul that he’s attracting the worst of us and he’s enabling the worst of us in society. He worships SAYTAN! Though his followers claim that he’s worshipping JAYSUS, that I can assure, he is not! In fact he has one of the craziest people in that religion as his “spiritual advisor” which, come on, with friends like these, who needs enemies? But his movement is actually gaining in popularity, and that is scary!





Now here’s the thing – if you want to see where Q Anon mixes with religion, look no further than our old friend, Pastor Greg Locke. Yes, Pastor Locke is a worshipper of the unholy Dark One and has made some ridiculous claims as we have witnessed here. But this might be one of the craziest that we have seen, for he said that he has seen witches! And not only that they are unleashing DAYMONS and that he has some names! Come on, what is this, 2022 or 1692? We all know how badly the original witchcraft trials ended, don’t we?





Yes according to that guy, everything is a SIN!!! But that said if your church is hosting a Q Anon event, it might be time to report them to the IRS for violating 503 (c) rules. Hey, I know we’re skirting around the rules with this sermon, but fuck it, we’re not a batshit crazy cult! And calling these people “violent lunatics” might be underselling it a bit. Because these people are violent lunatics, and they are getting more violent and insane and radicalized. So if your local church is hosting one of these events, you might want to go to another church!





Sigh… these lunatics aren’t going away anytime soon. In fact they’re getting louder and crazier, and we will fight their bullshit when we see it! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse
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Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy! STOP! No, a whammy!!!



All right, spin it again. And hey it lands on Beating A Dead Horse!



You know there’s too many boycotts out there when Buzzfeed literally has an article about The 16 Most Ridiculous Things Conservatives Tried To Cancel but hey what’s wrong with adding one more to the pile? Their latest beef involves Disney vs their boy Ron DeSantis over Florida’s extremely controversial and draconian “Don’t Say Gay” bill. Which – and here me out on this – who the fuck is teaching about homosexuality and transsexuality in fucking elementary school? It’s truly absurd the depths of depravity that the MAGA world is reaching. And like most bad things in the world, they will have Fox News and Alex Jones cheerleading their misdeeds every step of the way. So what’s the latest in the circular firing squad between Disney, Fox News, and Ron DeSantis? Well there’s a lot and it will take a long time to sort out this mess. It’s definitely not something that will be resolved overnight.





Oh get out of here, you fucking morons! Don’t you have anything better to do? Leave California Disney out of this, this is my home, get out of here with that shit! Oh who am I kidding? Of course they don’t have anything better to do! And come on, now they’re accusing Minnie Mouse of being trans? That is clinically insane. Shit, people, you might have got away with this crap in 2006, but this is 2022! There’s far better things to do now! But as long as far right Christianity exists, the more they will just grow more increasingly insane as the echo chamber grows.





I’m going to say yes, probably? Well here’s the thing is that these are people who say we shouldn’t sexualize children, but they are making this front page news! Of course kids are going to see this. It’s disgusting the way that Fox News is actively pitting sides against each other in an effort to boost their ratings, because they have nothing else. But if you think the Disney boycott is bad, just wait until you hear about the Oreo boycott! Yes how can you hate Oreos? Well they found a way! Seriously, conservatives, just stay home and watch OAN and Right Side Broadcasting. That’s about all you have left.





Really the only thing they have left is white bread? Maybe the Juggalos can let them have Faygo Cola too, but the MAGAs will find some way to boycott that! And they don’t have any real solutions, it’s not like they’re going to find a MAGA friendly alternative to Oreos. Yeah that’s because that product doesn’t exist! So between Oreos and Disney, is it any wonder that MAGA / Q has reached full blown cult status? And their boycotts are so ridiculous that they are almost literally bordering on self-parody. But in yet another round of the culture wars between Fox News and everyone who doesn’t watch Fox, bet you didn’t see this coming!






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Let’s spin it to win it! And it lands on… no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! Oh hey it’s another one of our patented Clips Without Context!



Uh… really? We’re not the ones burning books and banning free speech and freedom of expression. Nice try. Spin it again! Hey it’s time for Conspiracy Corner!



Welcome back to our segment where we attempt to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! In these dark times, people turn to conspiracy theories when they don’t want to analyze what’s really going on in the world. So we are of course coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter deep within the heart of the New Mexico badlands, undisclosed location of course! Let me just adjust my tin foil hat for maximum government interference… they are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! There we go! Well I don’t need to tell you that our former president is holding rallies in the middle of nowhere, we presume because he’s probably not welcome in most cities where actual people live. So the people who still attend his idiotic rallies are desperate to come up with some theories as to why the election was stolen. Dude, it’s been over a year since the inauguration. Get over yourselves, seriously. But this latest theory may be their most whack-a-doodle theory that they’ve come up with yet. It involves the newest branch of the military – Space Force, and a ridiculous and insane amount of indictments. Yeah you really can’t make this stuff up.





Holy shit! Someone really needs to make a video that says “THIS IS WHAT TRUMP SUPPORTERS ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN!” because they really believe some truly far out there, off the wall batshit crazy stuff. Really, even Scientologists are going “wow, that’s fucking crazy!”. Trust me, when this theory showed up at my desk in the bunker, I had to know more. And like most things in the Trump world, the further you go down the rabbit hole, the weirder it gets, and the more you wish you didn’t know this stuff. It’s crazier than you would think.





Here’s the thing with conspiracy theories – no one really knows how these things are going to work, they just believe they’re going to happen. If you ask a Trump supporter how global martial law is going to work, they couldn’t tell you. If you ask them why we need 500,000 indictments, they couldn’t tell you that either. But like a bunch of rabid monkeys, they just make things up and start flinging their poop against the wall and hoping that something sticks.





Yeah probably! And speaking of people who should probably be locked behind padded walls, why am I not shocked at all that Creepy Pillow Man is involved? Because he seems like a perfectly sane, logical person who knows what he’s talking about. WRONG! Man I’ve been in this bunker too long! But do we really need 500,000 sealed indictments? There aren’t even that many people employed by the federal government and that includes the military! But needless to say, this is one of the more truly bizarre theories that they have come up with lately.






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb: All Florida Edition
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Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… come on no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP!!! A random tweet!

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1513155575928008704

Wow, I didn’t think it was possible, but the Q nuts have even managed to ruin Scooby Doo. Zoiks, Scoob!! Ree hee hee hee hee! OK enough of that. Spin it again! Oh hey it’s time for People Are Dumb!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. And of course whenever we are in the great state of Florida – we have to do an all Florida edition! Because here’s the thing – we love Florida here, so we kid of course. But the bottom line is that Florida Man always brings crazy stories each and every week. So much that there’s thousands of memes and funny GIFs about how batshit insane Florida Man and Florida Woman are. And I’m not going to tell you what constitutes a People Are Dumb story because we have plenty of examples for you to choose from. Most of these come to us of course from the @Florida_Man account and the r/Floridaman subreddit. So I want to start with this story out of Panama City Beach. You know the feud between Florida and Alabama is as old as time itself, but if you’re planning a spring break takeover of a Florida beach town, first off, don’t announce it on social media. Second, bringing guns and drugs to Spring Break is definitely a bad idea and part of the reason why actual Florida residents hate Spring Break.





Yes please! Spring break isn’t long enough! Ding! Next up – Capitol Riots! Yes, the Capitol Riot on January 6th, 2021 is the gift that keeps on giving. And one of my favorite scenes from that crazy day was the shot of this dolt walking off with Nancy Pelosi’s podium. Yeah that’s a thing that happened! What’s even crazier is that this guy’s friends attempted to have a “going to prison” party that got rejected by the host restaurant because they didn’t want to be seen with insurrectionists. Gee, you think that might have been a bad idea?





Next up – this one might be the most Florida story imaginable. We go to the town of Naples for this one and here’s the thing. If you’re going to be arrested for guns and drugs, that’s pretty much an every day routine police stop. But then add an alligator to the mix and suddenly it goes from “normal every day routine police stop” to “what the actual fuck????”. But then again, this probably has to be a common occurrence in Florida, am I right? Yeah one guy in the back yelling “woo!”. Thank you sir.





Next up – robberies. And rewards points. Look I love a good stupid criminal story and this might be one of the dumbest I’ve ever seen. Because when you commit a crime, you should probably not give the retailer your personal information. And we’re just speculating here – that might be a bad idea. So maybe leave the rewards points off the table if you’re going to rob a convenience store. That’s not only a Florida Woman fail, but this next story also perfectly encapsulates the ideology of “late stage capitalism”.





Finally this week – this might be the most insane Florida Man story I’ve ever seen. It comes from the town of Port St. Lucie. I also love how this story keeps escalating. Even if you were trying to write a story that starts with “Florida Man walks into a bar”, there’s no way you could come up with an ending this batshit insane. But we may have to stop doing the all Florida segments because this is the Florida Man story to end all Florida Man stories. And in the 5 years that I have been doing the Top 10, that’s really saying a lot!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2022: Gun Nut Conference Championships
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Let’s give the wheel one final spin this week! And it lands on… oh it’s one of our patented Clips Without Context!



Holy shit that is some next level crazy there. Though I got to admit – Antichrist Biden would make an awesome band name. Spin it again! It’s time for Stupidest State!

16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Wow. Last week was one for the ages! Georgia handily defeated Iowa to advance in the Batshit Conference. But the real star of the show happened in the matchup between Tennessee and Indiana where Tennessee dominated the competition by nearly 30 points to advance in the Family Values Conference. How did they do it? With a shocking new law that reduces or in some cases eliminates the legally required age for marriage. Yes, they endorse child brides and enable pedophiles. Will Tennessee be the one to win it all? Time will tell! But this week we’re at the home of the UK Wildcats, the legendary Rupp Arena in Lexington, Kentucky as Texas takes on Missouri for control of the Gun Nut Conference Championship! One of these two teams will go to the Final Four, the other will go home! Let’s go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Gun Nut Conference Championships: Texas Vs Missouri [/font]

[font size="2"]Texas [/font]


Everyone knows that the Lone Star State is practically synonymous with America’s undying love of the firearm. Hell Texas loves guns so much that it’s been the butt of jokes of countless movies and TV shows going back to the 1950s. Seriously, Texas without guns is like grilled cheese without cheese. But now Texas’ gun laws are so batshit insane that they’re currently the subject of intense scrutiny from the Biden administration and that’s mainly because of something called a “ghost gun”. So what is a ghost gun, you might ask? Well it’s a gun that can be assembled with a kit at home rather than purchased from a gun store. Which you might know, means that they can be easily disassembled and destroyed and untraced if they’re used in a crime. Yes, that’s late stage NRA madness for you.





So while Texas has this Ghost Gun problem, they also have a problem with some of the most insane abortion laws in the country. In fact, the laws that Texas has as far as abortion goes are pretty draconian, and that goes without saying. So leave it to one of the smart states – my home state of California – to combat this problem. And you know speaking of guns and abortion, how can you be pro-gun and pro-life? I feel like these two ideologies would conflict with each other. Guns take away life. But anyway I am rambling here. California’s got the solution to this problem of untraceable firearms.





No you’re not responsible adults! And you know Texas’ approach to guns is “fuck it”. And here’s how stupid and backwards our guns are – we can’t ban guns because you know, “SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED!!!!!!!1!!!1!”. Fuck that shit. But we can have signs on schools that say “gun free zones” – yeah that will stop gun crime. That’s like putting a piece of duct tape on a flooded toilet. But really Texas, you need to do something unless you’re intentionally trying to get people killed!





[font size="2"]Missouri [/font]


The Show Me State put up quite the show in the first leg of the tournament. While Texas looks to advance, Missouri is gaining on them! How could an underdog defeat the champions and the state that’s practically synonymous with guns? Well the debate between concealed carry and open carry is one as old as time itself. And it’s something that you’d better not get involved in unless you’re prepared to shoot your mouth off – both literally and figuratively. Well you’d better watchout Texas, because Missouri may have you upped in the gun game! Because they just passed a law that would allow concealed carry of weapons on public transportation and in churches! Gee, what could possibly go wrong, you might ask? Well…





Yeah that happened! So if Texas’ gun laws aren’t crazy enough, Missouri has an ace in the hole – the 2nd Amendment Preservation Act! Like come on, you might as well just legalize murder and get it over with already! Like it’s like they’re trying to intentionally get people killed. But you know our gun rights “SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!1!”. And again, really, fuck off with that shit. But it’s truly insane what is happening with our country’s gun laws. Do they want to make the Purge a reality? It sure seems we’re headed that way.





By the way you think Texas’ gun laws are insane, wait until you see Missouri where they’re saying “hold my beer and watch this!”. Last year, while you weren’t looking, Missouri passed a new law that simply invalidates all federal gun control laws. That’s the 2nd Amendment Preservation Act. So yes that is correct. It’s no wonder that firearms are practically considered a religion – you’re literally taking your gun to church! So we may have a new king of the Gun Nut Conference here because this is criminally insane. Whenever laws are passed like this, the only acceptable response is “what could possibly go wrong?”.





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

OMFG. The champs go down! That’s right - #4 seed Missouri has taken control of the Gun Nut Conference! They will move onto the Final Four! They are celebrating on the court with just mere seconds left in the game! That’s all she wrote, folks! Missouri will move on. Texas goes home, the Texas fans are absolutely stunned! Final score – 93 – 86. Missouri, cut the net, guys, you earned it!



[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

Who moves onto the Final Four? It’s a battle of the Family Values and holier than thou crowds as red hot #2 North Carolina takes on surging underdogs #4 Tennessee. We’re live at the home of the Mizzou Tigers, the Mizzou Arena in Columbia, Missouri for all the action!



[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Weird Al Yankovic[/font]

Folks, my next guest is promoting his unprecedented 5 month “Ridiculously Self Indulgent, Ill Advised Vanity Tour, Part II”. You can see him live through October 29th. Playing his classic song “UHF”, give it up for the great Mr. Weird Al Yankovic!



Thank you Orlando! This was the last stop on our Southern Tour! We’re back home in San Diego next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Weird Al Yankovic Appears Courtesy Of: Island Records
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Orlando Improv, Orlando, FL
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Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

April 7, 2022

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12-10: You Just Got Knocked The F Out Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12-10: You Just Got Knocked The F Out Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yo what’s up Atlanta? How are you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! Always great to be back in the ATL! First off , congratulations to the Kansas Jayhawks for winning it all at the NCAA March Madness tournament! It will also be very refreshing to have a championship team visit the White House and not be greeted to a greasy fast food buffet. So now that we are in the thick of our annual quest to find the Stupidest State, can I reveal our big plans for season 13? Well I already revealed on Twitter but now it’s official. The World Tour 2022 is happening! That’s right, it’s been 5 years since our last look at the inner workings of the planet in which we live on. We decided that since COVID turned the world upside down and now things are slowly returning to normalcy, we decided that we need to find out how things have changed. So it’s coming. July 21st is the premier date for Season 13, so stay tuned! Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do. You know last week we talked about the tragic death of Foo Fighters legend Taylor Hawkins. He was an awesome drummer and a pretty awesome guy IRL. This week? Let’s talk about garbage people – Kanye West and Elon Musk. Everyone OK with that? I’m definitely in the anger phase right now. And you know what? Fuck both of them. And it also saved Coachella from Travis Scott too. So at least that’s a win. What? Too soon? But you know what else is frightening? Elon Musk joining the board of directors at Twitter. You just know he’s going to let Trump back on and then Twitter would seriously be like when Bane took over Gotham at the end of the Dark Knight Rises. I can just see Elon right now doing his best Bane imitation too – “Yes, I am Twitter’s reckoning. You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it! Now I am going to break you!” Hey, I can do that pretty good! Don’t worry, we will get to Elon’s takeover of Twitter next week. Assuming he lets Trump out of Twitter jail? Do we really need to resurrect the fake Trump Tweet Generator? I hope not! OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he delves into the subject of trucks and the Freedom Convoy:



Where do we begin this week? Well the number one slot this week has to go to our Former President (1). And we have to talk about the insanity surrounding the fact that he allegedly had a burner phone on January 6th. Because that’s what perfectly innocent people use to communicate with! In the second slot this week is also That Former Guy (2). So you know how we have repeatedly said that if you’re under investigation for colluding with Russia, you shouldn’t talk about Russia? Well he’s doing exactly that and we totally get where the America First movement is headed. In the third slot this week is Alex Jones (3) because he is going AWOL in the Sandy Hook defamation suit and it’s going to cost him big time. Good, I hope the POS goes bankrupt. Taking the number 4 slot this week is Madison Cawthorn (4). Did he hint that there’s some kinky stuff going on behind closed doors in DC? Well it’s quite revealing exactly what he said, but the fact that he had a meeting with Kevin McCarthy to keep quiet on the subject reveals way more than it should. In the number 5 slot this week yeah it’s still dominating the news so we have to talk about it and that’s of course the altercation between Will Smith and Chris Rock at the We take a look at the last guy to be expelled from the Academy, and it’s something that neither side wants! In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week Christian historical conspiracy theorist David Barton is back in the news and we’ve honestly had enough of this guy and his insane theories! Taking the number 7 slot this week is a new This Fucking Guy (7) and this week we profile former NFL star, poorly polling Georgia Senate Candidate, and MAGA Superfan Herschel Walker! At slot number 8 this week is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8) – the January 6th Subcommittee is close to nailing most of Trump’s cohorts in a huge sting, but the conspiracies are flying fast and furious! We’ll help you sort truth from fiction in this and adjust your tin foil hat accordingly! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we have a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! Finally this week it’s time for Stupidest State! This week it’s the final round of Round 1 and it’s going to be a huge one! #1 Georgia takes on #2 Iowa in the Battle Of The Batshit Conference, while over in the Family Values Conference, #3 Indiana takes on hot challenger #4 Tennessee! Plus to cap things off, as the palate cleanser, we have legendary heavy metal band The Scorpions stopping by! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]That Former Guy
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We all know that Trump and his goons attempted to overthrow the US government and murder half of Congress and the entire presidential line of succession on January 6th. But one mystery remains – where exactly was Donald Trump? His whereabouts are unknown. And we know now that there’s a 7 hour gap in Trump’s phone log during the time when the Capitol was being stormed. Which, for a leader of the free world, is a long-ass time to be incommunicado. So what the committee is trying to find out is where he was, who he was with, and who he was communicating with. Those questions being answered will help paint a broad picture of the man who tried to overthrow the government. The biggest question – was Trump using an untraceable “burner” phone? Look, if movies and TV have taught me anything, it’s that if you use a burner phone, you’re guilty. Period. End of story. So was he using a burner or not? It’s the million dollar question that everyone is asking.





Oh come on, we’re all thinking it! So why are the matters of burner phones being discussed? Well because they are untraceable. And there’s no records of who Trump was talking to that day while his minions were storming the Capitol. As we learned from the show House Of Cards and the West Wing, if you’re president, you have to be available and on call 24 hours a day. So 7 hours is a long time for a president to be unavailable. And if there’s one person you should never discuss the idea of using an untraceable burner phone with, it’s a national security adviser!





Unfortunately being guilty is not cool. But here’s what we do know is that January 6th organizers used burner phones to communicate directly with the White House. So if they had burner phones, how do we know that Trump didn’t have one? Because like I said if you use a burner phone, you’re guilty no matter what the crime is! So for the guy who we were unfortunately stuck calling president, these allegations are pretty egregious!





No, Batman is not guilty here. But Trump very well could be. But like I said the one person who you *NEVER* want to discuss the idea of using a burner phone with is your national security adviser! I mean that’s like asking a professional athlete for advice on which steroid is better! Too soon? Well anyways, there’s a big difference between Trump and Nixon. When Nixon tried to erase history, it was much easier. With Trump? Well we live in the internet era, and in the internet era, there’s no such thing as a takeback! This is worse than a million Nixons!






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[font size="8"]That Former Guy
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You know last week we reported about how Trump treats Truth Social the same way he treats umbrellas and Big Mac wrappers. And we will get to the latest next week. But this week I’m going to take you all the way back to season 3 of the Top 10 when Trump was being investigated for Russian collusion (see: Top 10 #3-7 ). If you are under investigation for colluding with Russia, maybe I don’t know, don’t talk about Russia! That’s only proving the point that the prosecutors are trying to make! Look I don’t know a lot, but I do know that if you’re under investigation for a crime, don’t talk about that crime! Especially since the entire world is mortified at the atrocities being committed by Vladimir Putin’s illegal and immoral invasion and occupation of Ukraine. So yeah you might think that Putin is a bad guy here? Well he is, but Donny not only doesn’t want to admit it, he’s like the kid who runs off screaming with his hands cupped to his ears.





Dude! You seriously think mass murder and destroying villages and property is a good thing? Do you not realize how grossly fucked up that is? If you don’t realize that, you’re part of the problem, Donny! Oh and it gets worse! So much worse! Remember a couple of weeks ago I reported about the insane conspiracy theories revolving around Hunter Biden’s laptop? Well the fact that Donny asked Pooty for help in digging up dirt on this baseless conspiracy is truly beyond the pale. And if you’re still hanging on to this theory, time to dump Infowars and come back to the real world!





Yeah that is pretty much what is going on in Donny’s head right now. And at one of his recent “Trump Barfs His Brain” rallys, this time in Middle Of Nowhere, Georgia – hey I know we’re in Atlanta! You can admit outside of this city there’s large patches of nothing, right? Thought so! One guy in the back yelling at me right now. Hey you California punks! Get off my lawn! OK enough of that. Really though, Trump does hold his rallies in the middle of nowhere, because he knows that he won’t be met with protests unlike the major cities. But yeah… keep praising Putin and see where that gets you. Fat chance of 2024 happening.





Yeah where’s that guy when you need him? But really as the world reacts to the horror that Putin is unleashing in the Ukraine, and don’t think he won’t be done there yet, but the fact that Donny is sucking up to Putin in the wake of this terrible atrocity is horrifying. And if you’re not scared then you’re not paying attention. Just think what would happen if he were to get back into power in 2024 and the entire world is at war against Putin. That’s a scary thought. I know we’re supposed to be a comedy show, right?






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[font size="8"]Alex Jones
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Alex Jones is one of the worst people in America, we can all agree on that, right? You know, you would think after a shooting involving kindergarteners, that would be enough for America to say that we’ve had enough needles and senseless gun deaths and violence in America and that would be enough to start making drastic changes in the way we handle guns right? Nope. Instead, Alex Jones and his flock of disturbed people who listen to him decided to mock and harass the victims of Sandy Hook until enough people fled the town and went into the FBI Witness Protection Program. Well, regardless of the outcome of the defamation lawsuit against Mr. Jones, there’s a special circle of hell reserved just for him and his listeners. So here’s what happened. He actually agreed to testify in the defamation lawsuit against him. But he so far has yet to show up. You know I wouldn’t put anything past this scumbag and I wouldn’t be surprised if he packed up Infowars and moved to Russia.





Yeah that’s an understatement. Alex Jones and Fox News do have one thing in common is that they both are there for the sole purpose of turning otherwise normal people into complete monsters. And that’s exactly what happened with Sandy Hook. So here’s the thing is that he didn’t show up after promising to show up and got fined $25,000 a day. We can only imagine he went on Infowars and said that Infowars was in dire need of funding. Yeah right. But Alex Jones is such a cheap asshole that the families rejected his settlement offer.





Come on, these parents lost children to needless gun violence and you heckled them out of existence, that’s adding salt to the wound! Honestly there’s not much difference between Jones deciding that the Sandy Hook families were worth $120,000 and Malory Archer deciding that Pam was worth $5,000. No, there really isn’t. But now here’s some serious bullshit – his attorneys say that he’s got “medical conditions” that would keep him from testifying. I guess “being a bloviating, raging asshole with an obvious stick up his ass” would qualify as a medical condition, no?





Sinus blockage? Fuck off! That’s the lamest excuse in the book. Before anyone questions me, I’ve had 3 nasal surgeries and a deviated septum repair, I know what sinus blockage is! Thank you Atlanta! Just ask my ENT, she can confirm this! But here’s the thing Alex Jones cannot continue to be on his daily broadcasts while simultaneously ignoring court subpoenas? That’s being a next level asshole there. So will something come of this? Will something come of this and he might finally face justice? Well we’ll see.






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[font size="8"]Madison Cawthorn
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So I want to preface by saying this. We got literally flooded with requests for this one. So we can’t let Madison Cawthorn (Q – Batshit) get away with this one. So last week, Mr. Cawthorn dropped this bombshell that he might have been involved in some parties involving some big names in Washington DC that have involved everything from hardcore cocaine use to orgies. That’s right – you heard me! Orgies! Whoa, Madison, you can’t just drop a bombshell like that without giving us more details! We need some names, damn it! Where were these parties and who was involved? Come on, what are you hiding? But we’re not speculating or making baseless conspiracies here. No, we’ll save that for the Infowars wing of Congress. But needless to say you can’t go against the cult and have an independent thought and not expect to get grilled on it. This whole thing is weird and it’s only going to get weirder as we learn more details. Just like Trump and Stormy Daniels, these might not be details that you exactly want to hear. But if it involves big names in Washington, DC then we absolutely want to know more about it and who was involved. So here’s what Madison has revealed about this whole thing so far and it's just s gross and disturbing as you would think.





Oh there it is…we’ve got vomit! But do you not get the underlying irony of this whole thing? The people who want to tell others what they find to be perverted or not are they themselves engaging in their own brand of perversion! And here’s where it gets weird – because you knew it was going to. Is that Roger Stone is involved in this story. Does this guy even have a job or does he just show up on right wing talk shows and spout the most batshit insane thing you’ve ever heard? I swear these people really need a hobby.





I’m with Steve Harvey on this one! Oh hell nah! But here’s the thing – Madison might actually be right on this one, and that’s a very scary thought. Does DC have an orgy problem? Hey, anyone remember the DC Madam who exposed several high profile members of Congress as being involved in some extremely kinky, perverted, and oddly specific sexual fetishes? I do! Oh man I bet the DC Madam wasn’t the only one who knew these secrets. But the more you go down the rabbit hole on this one, the weirder it gets.





Hey moderate spender! So my question is – how can we trust these lawmakers to regulate what goes on in the bedroom when they can’t moderate themselves? And do we need any moderation in the bedroom? Hell we all know what weird fetishes Trump was involved in. But here’s the thing about parties where there were excessive drug use and orgies – you don’t talk about what goes on in those parties! Never! What happens in those parties stays at those parties! But even Fox News is demanding to know who was involved, and we may actually have to… agree… with them on this one. Oh here comes that vomit again.






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[font size="8"]Will Smith
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I know, you’re probably sick of hearing about it by now, but we have to talk about Will Smith’s insane Oscars interruption last week. And I promise that this is the last we’ll report on it here, but as long as it’s in the news, we have to talk about it. It feels like an eternity ago doesn’t it? Well we had originally planned to make this a Top 10 Investigates piece, but we decided against that when we were in pre-production because it’s way more insane than you might think. While we covered the good majority of it last week, there’s been some new developments since then. Since we went live last week, Will Smith resigned from the Academy over the confrontation. But is it really not technically a resignation. It’s a resignation in name only. So he “resigned” but he still gets to keep his position in the Academy Of Motion Pictures Arts And Sciences and can still attend future award ceremonies. He also still can receive future nominations and win future awards. But think of it like John Wick when he broke the code of conduct at the Continental. Except Mr. Smith won’t have a $15 million dollar bounty placed on his head that keeps escalating. Or maybe not. You don’t know! But here’s what we do know!





That’s right, man, you just got knocked the f out! But was it really a knock out? It was more like a pimp slap. But this is the most insane thing about all of this. Does Will Smith have to give up his Best Actor Oscar for this? No. Can he still attend future AMPSA events? Yes. So think of his resignation in the same way that you get “fired” from the Apprentice – you get fired, but you’re still technically on the show. So now here’s where it gets weird and you know it was going to.





So yeah Chris Rock’s own brother thinks that there weren’t enough punishments invoked. And in all honesty he’s not wrong here. But what’s even more disturbing is the fact that Mr. Smith is getting off very light here is setting a very dangerous precedent. Of course that means that any copycats this inspires probably won’t involve those winning a Best Actor Oscar. But that said, we need to talk about the last guy who got expelled from the Academy. Well the Academy has expelled scumbags like Harvey Weinstein, Roman Polanski, and Bill Cosby, but that’s understandable. Then there was this.





So could the Academy expel Mr. Smith? Would they? Should they? That’s the billion dollar question on the table. But the truth is that they’re keeping this thing under tight wraps until the next board meeting, so until that happens we don’t know anything. The fact that he didn’t get arrested is weird. The fact that he wasn’t asked to leave is even weirder. But this fact remains that Will Smith is one of the highest profile actors in all of Hollywood. So what punishments await Mr. Smith if the board does decide to rule against him? Well it could get very ugly very quickly.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: Twisting History And Facts
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know they say “those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it”. Well now does that logic apply to people who twist what actually happened in history to their own advantage? I’m of course talking about our old friend David Barton. It seems that our brothers and sisters on the right can’t quit this guy no matter how bad, sick or twisted his warped version of history is! This guy is a snake oil salesman who has been building an entire career out of misinterpreting history for the sake of swindling money from the religious,. But this might be one of his most insane and twisted sermons yet. Well, to be fair, there actually is some truth behind this, but once again I will say this is a classic case of saying the quiet part out loud and saying the loud part quiet. And he does leave an awful lot of detail out here for the sake of exploitation.





Now, Mr. Barton is not the only fundamentalist Christian who’s twisting facts and reality to suit their worldview, which is a very small one. Because that’s the thing with modern conservatives, especially those who support the unholy Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so profane, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! There’s also this guy Mark Burns, who’s your typical southern fire and brimstone preacher… except that he’s running for Congress! Good lord this guy would say things that even Marjorie Greene would find too extreme!





So they’re literally advocating violence from a really fucked up pulpit. And it’s not even a real pulpit at that! This is seriously fucked up. And yes we are allowed to swear in my church! I run the show! But now the GOP is furious and they’re taking their anger out on your local school board. That’s right – they’re armed with… informational pamphlets! So not only do they have people like David Barton preaching false information in the pulpit, they have evangelicals going after education now. They really have reached a low point haven’t they? And I’m sure this isn’t what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want now, is it?





Yeah… think about it! But also think about this, my fair congregation – these people are multiplying, and they are multiplying rapidly! And if they’re running in your city, you should definitely watch out. If they’re running unopposed, find someone who will oppose them! For they are the very people who should not be in power and they will abuse it! If David Barton comes to your local church and someone like Mark Burns starts advocating violence, you should really be aware of the people in your area, for they are not on the side of the good LAWRD JAYSUS!





Sigh… there’s no end to the sheer amount of crazy and increasingly large number of people who are joining the Dark One and Q Anon. I need to go drink more of the holy water. It’s going to get really ugly in the next few months! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Herschel Walker
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is former football star, poorly polling Georgia senate candidate, and MAGA superfan Herschel Walker. Now I already hear a lot of you Atlanta people booing him. We already have reported about how he got removed from the President’s Council On Fitness along with Dr. Oz. I mean what better president to trust than a guy who eats Big Macs in bed while yelling at 8 different TVs and then throwing the wrappers on the floor? You see where I’m going with this. But physical fitness aside – there’s plenty of reasons not to trust Herschel on any policy. But this might be one of my favorite stories of the week. So one of Herschel’s crowning achievements is that he claims that he graduated at the top of his class at UGA. Really? There’s one UGA fan in the audience here? Thank you sir! Well – get ready – like most MAGA superfans, he lies about everything! I’m shocked, shocked! Well… not really that shocked.





But it gets even crazier because while Herschel is siding with the MAGA crowd on the most far right issues, the GOP is doing everything in their power to sink his campaign! I see that they obviously went to the Stormtrooper School Of Firearms. Because they could take him out and run someone a bit more sane, but they really don’t have anyone like that in their party! Could it be that or could Raphael Warnock really be that much better?





Yeah come on, are they using Acme Branded Dynamite to get rid of him? But here’s the thing, just like Trump’s recent “hole-in-one”, there are many questions about where Herschel Walker even got his degree or if he even has a degree. But the thing is, MAGA not only loves this shit but they eat this shit up, no matter how big the lie is. I kind of feel like I need some music for this one. Cue Frank Zappa – “When The Lie’s So Big”.





When the lieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee’s so biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig… It’s truly unfortunate that Mr. Zappa did not live enough to see the modern incarnation of the GOP because they literally are everything they spelled out in that song and they’re not ashamed to admit it. But you know if there’s one thing we’ve learned following the MAGA movement for the last 5 years, it’s that they attract this kind of off the wall batshit crazy person. And by the way if you want to see Herschel’s MAGA credentials, they are strong. Just look at what he said a couple of weeks ago about evolution:



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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment where we explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! When the news gets dark, people naturally turn to conspiracy theories. We are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep in the New Mexico badlands, undisclosed location of course! Just let me adjust my tin foil hat for maximum government interference – they are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! Well folks I don’t need to remind you that the January 6th committee is closing in on some big names. Last week they revealed that Ginni Thomas, the wife of SCOTUS justice Clarence Thomas, is in some pretty deep shit over her involvement in the insurrection. This week, the January 6th Committee is closing in on the big boss and there are some very batshit insane theories flying! So what is the 7 hour gap theory? Well supposedly the committee has subpoenaed his phone records show that there was a gap of 7 hours and 37 minutes when Trump was reportedly incommunicado, and that syncs up when his band of MAGA terrorists ransacked the Capitol. Here’s more.





Well duh… you think there might be a cover up? In other words, water is wet folks, of course there was a cover up involved! And for a president not to have communication with the outside world, 7 hours is a long fucking time. Especially when there is a planned and coordinated attack on the US Capitol Building with the intent of murdering the entire line of succession to overthrow an election happening! But you know what they say – sometimes the stupidest explanation is the best explanation! Oh wait, nobody says that ever!





Yeah that is a good point – do we really need content warnings anymore? I mean between Madison Cawthorn’s revelations about DC orgies and Stormy Daniels’ revelations that Trump’s male organ looks like a Super Mario character… yeah fuck it. Also, there goes my lunch. So what does this mean? Does this confirm the burner phone theory? Because thanks to TV crime shows, we all know that anyone using a burner phone is automatically guilty. But a president even floating the idea of using a burner phone? That’s some seriously scary shit.





Yeah Donny, elections don’t work that way. You know in order to hold an office, you actually have to do that thing called “winning”, which you didn’t do! And last I checked, elections don’t score the same way golf does. In order to win, you have to have more votes than the other guy! But come on, Trump, what are you hiding in those phone records? What did you say to Mike Pence that made your followers want to murder him? These things weren’t accidental and the fact that there’s an active cover up only proves they’re guilty. Because you know, that’s what perfectly innocent people do.






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. There’s always stupid people in the news. And don’t worry – next week we’re going to Florida so there will be one of our famous all Florida editions! Florida never fails to bring the crazy. And the reason we do this segment is because there’s so much dark news in the world right now. There’s still a pandemic, and now we’re on the verge of World War III, rising gas prices, murder hornets… what else could go wrong? And at the end of the day you really want to hear about someone who goes crazy and ransacks a McDonalds because they ran out of chicken nuggets. I want to start with this story out of University Heights, Ohio, where a would be bank robber left his keys on the counter as he robbed the bank. Yeah if you’re planning to rob a bank or any kind of store, just remember that the most important component of the robbery is the getaway vehicle! Do not skip this step or you will have a bad time!





Pretty sure it doesn’t work that way! Next up – this is the quintessential People Are Dumb story. This comes to us from of course the Sunshine State, America’s wang, the state of Florida. So what seems like something straight out of Jackass actually has a lot more to it. The thing is that you never drive through a golf course because golfers are nuts about their sport and they’re nuts about where they play. So this is a double whammy here. And if you’re caught driving through a golf course, maybe the shallow waters of the water hazard is probably not the best place to hide.





Next up – another story from the Sunshine State – if there’s one place you never want to get trapped in a million years, it’s a portable toilet. And if you do find yourself trapped in one, maybe don’t bring your drugs with you either. So yeah there’s two things wrong with this story. Also goes against my belief that if you’re in the bathroom, you should not be ingesting anything period. But that’s what happened to this particular Florida Man!





Next up – we go to the border town of San Ysidro. That’s in my home state of California, don’t you know? You know the conservatives are always saying that we need to control the border. But I personally have never really understood where they come from. Until today that is. See these are the kinds of things we don’t want coming over the border. It’s not people, it’s snakes and reptiles, because those things can kill you! And this particular guy hid them… in his pants. Guess this gives new meaning to the phrase “is that a snake in your pants or are you happy to see me?”.





Finally this week – remember that movie the Hangover? You know the story of three guys who hold a bachelor party for their best friend in Las Vegas, get hammered drunk and ransack a hotel suite that costs more than a Porsche? Well who knew that a throwaway joke from that movie is something that someone would do in real life. And yes this is something that one should never do on a plane, Bradley Cooper’s character was not only 100% right on this, he was also right that it is very illegal. And yes, don’t do this!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2022
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16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



We have just one round to go before the Elite 8 is complete! Last week it was a Fiscal Irresponsibility showdown as #1 Kansas pulled out a strong performance against #2 Delaware. Then over in the Gun Nut Conference, last year’s champion #1 Texas showed that they can bring their big guns to the dance by utterly destroying Idaho. This week it’s the final week of Round 1, where it’s a battle for Batshit supremacy as #1 Georgia takes on #2 Iowa. Meanwhile, over in the Family Values Conference, it’s a battle to play North Carolina as #3 Indiana takes on #4 Tennessee! We’re live at the home of the Anaheim Ducks, the legendary Honda Center in Anaheim, California, for all the action! Let’s go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Batshit Conference: #1 Georgia vs #2 Iowa [/font]

[font size="2"]Georgia [/font]


The Peach State has taken this conference multiple times now. And why? Well just look at the people who they elect – people like Brian Kemp (R – Obviously) and Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q – Batshit). I mean don’t worry, there will be plenty of MTG wannabe copycats in the coming months. Well for one thing Georgia’s republicans seem to want to outdo Texas in terms of the state’s gun laws. Because they want people to be able to carry guns without a license. File this one under “things that will go horribly, horribly wrong”.





Yeah so seriously, what could go wrong with that? And speaking of things that could go wrong – it’s truly scary when Fox News is starting to dictate national policy. We’re already seeing that in Florida with their ridiculous Don’t Say Gay bill. Well, in things that are becoming national laws because lawmakers can’t seem to quit Fox News, there’s of course Fox News’ war on “woke culture” and “critical race theory” – both things that they just made up to boost ratings.





[font size="2"]Iowa [/font]


The Hawkeye State is back and this time around they switched conferences after getting their ass kicked in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference back in 2019. But they are tanned, rested and ready. What makes them worthy of winning the Batshit Conference? Well Iowa is a melting pot of conspiracy theorists, racist kooks, and hardcore end times religious wingnuts. Here’s how batshit insane Iowa is – they’ve actually decided to drop their “Iowa nice” campaign. Maybe they’re not so nice.





Damn right! That is definitely facepalm worthy. And you know what else is facepalm worthy that the Hawkeye State is doing? Well the COVID-19 pandemic may be winding down, but it is still very much a thing. But don’t be like this Iowa State Senator who says the vaccine is evil and that you shouldn’t be promoting the vaccine use among school children. File this under “things that will not end well”.





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Well this was an interesting matchup. Iowa was ahead at the half but Georgia showed up big time in the second half. Georgia has since put up 15 unanswered points on the board after Iowa got a technical foul which cost one of their best players in an ejection. Georgia for three with 20 seconds left… YES! That’s game folks – final score, Georgia 88, Iowa 80. Georgia moves on to face Arizona in the finals!

[font size="4"]Family Values Conference: #3 Indiana Vs #4 Tennessee [/font]

[font size="4"]Indiana [/font]


Last year, the Sooner State advanced to the top of the Family Values pack because we reported that South Bend, the home of Notre Dame University, was being taken over by an absolutely batshit crazy Catholic cult called People Of Praise, which new SCOTUS justice Amy Comey Barrett was an avid member of. So can they retain that magic? Well, those on the conservative side are very actively looking to redefine the definition of what rape is, because you know, most of them are probably guilty of that sort of thing.





WTF are you talking about? That is a good question, sir! So yeah when it comes to the sexy time, they are considering redefining the concept of what constitutes to be a sex crime. That is a shocking level of evil. And by the way in case you’re wondering who’s in charge in the Sooner State? Well they’re bringing Nazism back. Yeah let’s add a dose of some hardcore racism in with our anti-abortion insanity, what could go wrong there?





[font size="4"]Tennessee [/font]


Finally this week, we have the Volunteer State. They have been favorites in the Family Values Conference for quite some time now. And they are always putting on a good show. But this year is different. Why? They upgraded their squad and are taking the team to new heights. And this new bill may be the icing on the cake. So you know how the MAGA GQP crowd is screaming their heads off about pedophiles? Well Tennessee is about to enable a whole lot of them if this totally disgusting and certifiably creepy bill makes it into law.





Damn straight! Holy fuck. Do you get what’s going on here? Do people not see the underlying irony in all of this? The people who are screaming about child predators and pedophiles and human sex traffickers are literally about to enable all three! This is shockingly evil and it may very well propel Tennessee to the top of the Stupidest State heap this year. And there is some very strong competition for that title. But this evil is just totally beyond the pale. Hell I can’t believe I’m the same species of these subhumans.





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Oh my god ladies and gentlemen we haven’t seen a showing like this in years! Tennessee is showboating for the crowd as they have Indiana’s number! 10 seconds to go and they’re already celebrating as Indiana can’t keep up! That’s game! Final score: 97 – 70! A truly impressive showing by Tennessee and they will be moving on to face North Carolina!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

The Elite 8 has been set! One of these states will win it all! Georgia vs Arizona. Kansas vs Nebraska. Texas vs Missouri. North Carolina vs Tennessee. It’s the first week of Round 2 ladies and gentlemen! And we’re kicking it off with the Gun Nut Conference Finals! We’re live at the home of the UK Wildcats, the legendary Rupp Arena in Lexington, Kentucky! Will last year’s champions Texas attempt to go for a repeat this year? Or will red hot underdogs Missouri continue their Cinderella streak? Only one way to find out!


[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"] The Scorpions[/font]

Folks my next guest has a great new album out called “Rock Believer”, you can see them at their Las Vegas residency at the Zappos Theater through April 26th. Playing their song “Seventh Son”, give it up for the Scorpions!



Thank you Atlanta! You were a great audience! This was fun! We’re off to Orlando next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots In Front Of Live Audience At: Punchline Comedy Club, Atlanta, GA
The Scorpions Appear Courtesy Of: Universal Music Group
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

March 31, 2022

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12-9: That's Justice Jackson If You're Nasty Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12-9: That’s Justice Jackson If You’re Nasty Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yo what’s up Houston? Always great to be back in the HOU. So we’re knee deep in our own March Madness tournament – Stupidest State 2022! And after last week’s shocker I can’t wait to see how the rest of the tournament is going to go. How are you guys doing tonight? You doing fucking good? Great! Right now though, we have to talk unfortunately about the sad, tragic death of Foo Fighters’ legendary drummer Taylor Hawkins. It fucking sucks. But this celebrity death really hit close to home for me because we love the Foo Fighters here. Hell, we’ve had them live on the show last year. Taylor is one of the coolest guys you could ever possibly meet. So yeah this one hurts. And we really feel for the Foos too and I have no idea where the band is going to go after this and we’re all speculating. Of course we’ll support Dave Grohl and the decision that he makes no matter what happens. I’ve personally seen the Foo Fighters live many times and always had a great time at every Foos show. Yeah I kind of wish we had something happier and funnier to talk about. But in terms of the Foo Fighters, one of the greatest bands ever, let’s remember the good times. And don’t have a moment of silence for Taylor. Instead, play his music. And play it LOUD! Because that’s what he would have wanted, OK? That’s the proper way to honor such a legendary rock musician. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he delves into the topic of drug abuse:



Well well well. As we were putting together last week’s edition, some serious shit hit the fan in the January 6th investigations. So with that being said, we are dedicating the #1 slot this week to Ginni Thomas (1). That’s right – the wife of SCOTUS justice Clarence Thomas is in some serious doo doo regarding her involvement in the attempted overthrow of the US government. Speaking of SCOTUS, in the second slot this week is the confirmation hearings of future justice Kentaji Brown Jackson (2), and let’s just say that things got pretty weird pretty quickly! In the third slot this week is Vladimir Putin (3) and the question on the table is could Pooty use chemical weapons in the ongoing illegal and immoral invasion and occupation of Ukraine? Well he could and it could turn out to be quite the “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation for Joe Biden. In the number 4 slot this week is Ted Cruz (4). And if you’re Teddy and you’re vacationing in Montana, never, ever, under any circumstances pull the “don’t you know who I am???” card because it will end very badly for you! In the number 5 slot this week is That Former Guy (5). Yes, while he’s been MC’ing events at Mar-A-Shithole, his social media company Truth Social is being treated much the same way he treats umbrellas and Big Mac wrappers. Taking the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week, white nationalist Nick Fuentes is making an absurd claim that he loves “12th century imperialism” so we’re going to show him a thing or two about what that means, and it’s definitely not something you want to be a part of! In the number 7 slot this week is a new edition of People Who Somehow Got Elected, and this week we’re adding the super creepy Attorney General of Texas, Ken Paxton, to that list! And hey we’re in Texas! But he’s being added to the list for an extremely horrible reason. In the number 8 slot this week, we have a new “This Fucking Guy” and this week we’re profiling quack TV doctor and poorly polling Pennsylvania senate candidate Mehmet Oz (8). In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we have a new I Need A Drink (9) and we have to have some drinks and discuss what went down at the Oscars – between Will Smith and Chris Rock. At least Will Smith in the span of one minute has done something that no other Best Picture winner in the last five years has been able to do, and that’s get people talking about the Oscars! Finally this week it’s time for Stupidest State 2022! This week, we have Round 1 Week 3 and it’s a Fiscal Irresponsibility Showdown as #1 Kansas takes on #2 Delaware, while over in the Gun Nut Conference, #1 Texas takes on #2 Idaho! It’s getting exciting, folks! And to cap things off, we have some live music for you from the legendary punk band AFI! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Ginni Thomas
[br] [/font] [br]

So last week I pointed out that Ginni Thomas, the wife of SCOTUS justice Clarence Thomas, actually very well may have been involved in helping to carry out a treasonous coup against the United States government. We all know that she’s knee deep in MAGA politics and is a hardcore member of Trump’s MAGA cult. But the picture of her helping to overthrow the 2020 election is becoming clearer and clearer. She’s not just the wife of a SCOTUS justice, but a full blown MAGA terrorist at that. And here’s the thing, we don’t need shocking story after shocking story about her involvement in the January 6th insurrection. It’s time we start taking action. We need to know some damn names. But of course nothing will probably come of this. Or it very well could. Honestly it’d be great if they could nail them and have them arrested which would recuse Thomas from the court and then Biden would get to appoint another justice, assuming Ted Cruz and Mitch McConnell will let them. But we’ll save that for another discussion.





Yeah something tells me that Nixon wasn’t a partier. But what is alarming is that there was a near unanimous vote on the transfer of power except for one – Clarence Thomas. And this vote sticks out like a sore thumb. But speaking of Nixon, Ginni Thomas’ text messages that were subpoenaed by the committee are as frightening as they are telling. Because the picture that’s being painted about what actually went down behind closed doors is not flattering. In fact it paints a picture of a batshit crazy group that was actively working to overthrow the US government.





Yeah does anyone see the underlying irony here? Clarence Thomas may have committed one of the most egregiously unethical decisions in SCOTUS history! Meanwhile, Ted Cruz is grilling a future justice on what the definition of what a woman is and about Critical Race Theory bullshit. This is completely and totally insane. So what did those text messages reveal? Well it reveals a lot about what Trump was actually doing and that he may or may not have had a burner phone. Come on, if TV shows have taught me anything, if you own a burner phone, you’re guilty.





You know things are really fucked up when your attorneys have their own attorneys. It’s kind of like a lawsuit Russian doll. Or maybe lawsuit Inception. It’s a lawsuit inside of a lawsuit inside of a lawsuit. But what do those text messages really revel? We’re going to find out eventually but it’s going to take a lot to sort this out. You know there’s going to be a lot of destruction of phones and laptops and shredding of files in the next few weeks. I mean if Trump flushed documents down the toilet, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ginni Thomas is going in that direction.






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[font size="8"]Kentaji Brown Jackson Hearings
[br] [/font] [br]

Must we go through this bullshit every single time a new justice for the Supreme Court is being questioned before the Senate? Look the Top 10 has been around for over five years now. In those five years we’ve covered 4 – yes 4 – different SCOTUS justice nominations. We thought it couldn’t get any crazier with boofing Brett Kavanaugh, but boy were we proven wrong (see: Top 10 #5-14 and Top 10 #5-15 ) or with deranged Catholic cultist extremist Amy Comey Barrett (see: Top 10 #9-12 ). But this latest round of hearings to confirm Kentaji Brown Jackson – who would be the first African American woman to serve on the Supreme Court – has been quite literally insane. You know we need a title for this segment and one that the kids can relate to. OK I think you guys have really outdone yourselves with this one!! That’s justice Jackson… if you’re nasty! But do people not get the sheer and utter hypocrisy that Mitch McConnell is putting us all through? Can you not see that? Well cue the sitcom-style “here we go again” because that’s exactly what’s happening.





Yes – here we go again! See the hypocrisy here? Judge Jackson could very well be the most popular justice on the Supreme Court since Ruth Bader Ginsburg and the conservative assholes aren’t budging to confirm her! They couldn’t wait to confirm boofing Kavanaugh or Barrett, and Kavanaugh was practically a gift to heir Trump from McConnell. Which is criminally insane and grossly unconstitutional. Which is why I can easily say fuck you Mitch!





You can practically hear that eye roll by the way. Now here’s where things get weird and you knew they were going to. Our old buddy Ted Cruz is back at it. This time grilling Judge Jackson on an insane amount of bizarre questions. But what’s his obsession with children’s books and books about Critical Race Theory? Like seriously he needs to turn off Fox News and come back to the real world. This is some right wing brainwashing at its’ finest. And of course totally on character for someone who’s a bloviating asshole like Teddy.





You know it’s totally crazy but also not unexpected that Ted Cruz would have the balls to question a black woman about some bullshit that Fox News made up to score points with that crowd. Really that’s all this is is a shout out to Fox News and that’s about it. Because we all know they’re the ones controlling the shots right now. What’s happening now is that Fox News is attempting reverse racism by calling out the people who call out racism and that’s precisely what is happening right now. And again I ask this question – do we have to go through this every damn time???






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[font size="8"]Vladimir Putin
[br] [/font] [br]

We here at the Top 10 Home Offices in Santa Ana, California were throwing around ideas as to how best broach this subject. Because it could very well be the greatest test that Joe Biden has to face in his presidency. The question is could Vladimir Putin use chemical weapons against the people of the Ukraine and what could be done about it? Now here’s the thing – the conspiracy theories are flying hard and fast about the subject and there’s a lot of misinformation out there. We’ve already reported that Vlad would launch nukes at anyone who dares to stop his illegal and immoral efforts. So how would the United States respond to such threats? The one thing we can all agree on is that Putin needs a serious boot up his ass and he must be stopped at all costs. Ukraine is just the beginning. We are in for a very long fight ahead. And it will be even worse if the following scenario happens and things could go from bad to catastrophic in an instant.





Yes holy shit indeed! You know there’s nothing funny we can make about this situation so we won’t even begin to try. But this is important because how Joe Biden acts on this could very well determine if he gets reelected or not. It’s no secret that Vladimir Putin is a mad man who is completely off his rocker and thinking that he can get away with world domination. Of course history shows that people who have attempted world domination fail every single time. What he didn’t count on was the people of Ukraine rising up as one against his madness.





That is a damn good question sir! What kind of shit is that? What the hell does “in kind mean”? We all know damn well that Putin and his goons need to be bombed back to the stone ages and Russia needs to be stopped at all costs. But we can’t do that or risk him launching nuclear missiles at us and we all know that he has the technology. The fact that Putin is even going there is showing that he’s completely desperate for options after getting his ass kicked. But I cannot stress enough that this monster needs to be stopped at all costs.





Yes holy shit indeed. Things are about to go from bad in the Ukraine to a situation so horrible we’ve only seen it a few times in history. Like the proverbial shit is about to hit the fan. But if Putin does go there, the world will be ready with a response. I’m not a violent person but I really want to see Putin meet the same fate we gave Osama bin Laden – he needs to be thrown in the ocean and forgotten about. Then Putinism needs to be eradicated like the virus it is. But that said if we respond against Putin we need to be ready for whatever he might throw at us. The threat is real and the shit is about to hit the fan.






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[font size="8"]Ted Cruz
[br] [/font] [br]

If there’s one thing you should never, in a million years, ever do under any circumstances if you are a celebrity is say the six dreaded words: “Don’t you know who I am?”. Because if you say those words, you will get the absolute shit mocked out of you and you deserve every bit of it. The latest celebrity to pull that card? Why it’s our favorite Texas senator Ted Cruz (Q – Batshit)! That’s right – our old buddy Ted pulled the “don’t you know who I am?” card while he was vacationing in Montana. Wait, shouldn’t Ted be worried about the Texas energy crisis or getting prepared for what I’m sure will be an eventful hurricane season? Nah instead he’s out hunting or ski hunting in Montana. But what was he doing in Montana exactly? Especially with the Kentaji Brown Jackson hearings coming up? Well the entire thing is very weird and it gets weirder the more you dig into it. But of course that’s what we’re here to do so you don’t have to!





Yeah so that happened! Shut up, Karen. I mean Ted. You know what? The last two years we’ve been looking for a male equivalent to the Karen meme. Can we please start referring to male Karens as “Teds” now? I bet Ted probably wasn’t asking to speak to the manager, though he easily could have. But this is too damn good after he was grilling Kentaji Brown Jackson about her integrity as a judge, woman, person, camera, TV… you see where I’m going with this. But I love this story and it really shows what a colossal asshole Ted Cruz is.





I could honestly say that for a lot of Saturday Night Live hosts lately! The difference is that Ted Cruz is a senator who makes national policy. But you know this paints a very slimy picture of the guy who is currently in the process of helping to select the next SCOTUS justice. We already have discussed his obsession with some insane children’s books but this takes things to a whole new level. And this is going full blown asshole here. As we made the Karen analogy earlier, Ted Cruz is exactly that – he’s a male Karen.





Still don’t. But I love that detail of the story that should be much bigger but it really isn’t – Ted Cruz didn’t get any special treatment from the airport staff. And you know what? If you start becoming belligerent and obnoxious, you don’t deserve any special treatment either. And probably the police should be called. Which is exactly what happened. Here. I also love that he’s “frustrated” even though he's the one who started this whole thing. And not only that he should probably be put on the no fly list.






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[font size="8"]That Former Guy
[br] [/font] [br]

Well another week and another Trump Barfs His Brain rally. And of course he says all the same bile and garbage you expect him to spew at this point. But I want to talk about what’s happening at Mar-A-Shithole for a minute. It’s becoming the destination of choice for racists and conspiracy theorists to hear crap from people like Steve Bannon and Roger Stone. Kind of like a really fucked up Studio 54. Studio Q Anon? I like that one Really, who wants to pay money to see that? And speaking of places to hear racists and sexists, we have to talk about Truth Social. That’s right – we can now add social media to the list of failed products sold under the Trump name, like vodka, steaks, airlines, casinos, bottled water, and the White House. Yes, Trump has treated his own social media platform the same way he treats umbrellas and discarded Big Mac wrappers. That’s right – he just throws it on the floor and expects someone else to clean up his mess. But come on, who really wants to pay $4.95 a month for an even more racist version of Twitter? Crap even Parler and Gab have TOS agreements.





Damn right! What a loser. Trump can wallow at Mar-A-Shithole all he wants. But this is hilarious – they spent MONTHS and hundreds of thousands of dollars overhyping this POS platform as the next Twitter and what did we get? We got a Twitter ripoff that even he barely uses. Here’s the thing – he doesn’t even use his own social media website that he created and has been floating through the conservative world! And MAGA social media influencers – yes that’s a thing – aren’t even really interested in it.





But you know we got to switch gears and talk about what’s happening at the MAGA White House, or as I’ve been calling it – Mar-A-Shithole. It’s basically turned into a spring break party destination for racists and conspiracy theorists. And it’s getting weird. Like look at this footage of mermaids out by the Mar-A-Shithole pool. I wish I was making this up.

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1508938201272139781

Think of this like Studio 54 for your racist uncle. You can attempt to class up the joint but it’s really the same shit with a fresh coat of paint It’s like putting a Bugatti in a trailer park. Oh wait that is real. Or it’s whatever the fuck this is.

https://twitter.com/realThomasLance/status/1507703704513916932

But yeah Trump is basically reduced to being a DJ at Mar-A-Shithole and it’s not sad.





Yes we do, sir! But come on, who doesn’t want to lighten up a party with the music of Phantom Of The Opera? And I can just hear Trump using a reggaeton horn. Come on everybody! Get it up! Let’s see those hands! Everyone who didn’t vote for me is a stupid loser! Fha fha fha fha fhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Yeah no it doesn’t work that way. But do we really buy his claim of a hole in one either? I am getting serious Goldfinger cheating vibes here.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: 12th Century Imperialism
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know we’ve been railing on white supremacists and racists for the last couple of weeks here. And of course they deserve every bit of shit that we can throw at them because, fuck racists. Yes, we’re allowed to swear in my church! Go ahead, let the expletives fly! You know you want to! Well, anyway we’re just about to find out where that movement is headed, courtesy of banned Twitter troll Nick Fuentes. Last week, Brother Nick pointed out that he loves him some good old fashioned 12th century imperialism. While most of us are horrified at Vladimir Putin’s illegal and immoral invasion and occupation of Ukraine, Fuentes is actively cheering Satan, er, Putin on. It’s truly disturbing to think where young conservatism is headed. Because these people actually listen to someone like Nick Fuentes, and that’s a scary thought. You should be listening to what the good LAWRD JAYSUS is telling you instead!





Yeah you think? Well now an imperialistic autocratic society is not one that you want to live in. You do not want to live in a world run by white nationalists and religious extremists, because nothing ever ends well for those societies! Just look at Afghanistan or anywhere in Africa for that matter – these nations have been under decades and even centuries of war! That’s no life to live. You want PEACE. But you know what if these MAGA pastors and their congregations want to go to war? I say let ‘em. They can go fight a war in the Metaverse or something.





No, these are the people who we do not need in charge right now! They do not support the work of JAYSUS! Oh no. They support the unholy, ungodly Dark One. And by that I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! These are the kind of people who want to turn the world into Afghanistan. They do not have our good intentions, they have the exact opposite – they are the worst of the bunch! So if you see someone like this running or listening to them on TV or the internet, be afraid!





Of course they’re not, Reverend! I cannot stress this enough – these people do not represent the best of America. They represent America at its’ absolute worst. These are not the followers of JAYSUS. They are the followers of the devil, SAYTAN, Putin, and of course the unholy Dark One! And how is this not a direct violation of IRS 503c rules? How come churches can keep hosting Q Anon events and getting away with it? But for now we at least know where the Q Anon movement is heading and it’s not a good direction.





These are the people who need a good old fashioned smoting! Oh LAWRD please smiteth them and I will return the favor somehow! But we will keep an eye on these freaks. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]People Who Somehow Got Elected: Ken Paxton
[br] [/font] [br]

Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:



This week- Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton. While everyone points fingers at Texas’ notoriously toxic and abusive Fox loving governor Greg Abbott for most of the states’ problems, keep in mind that all abusers have their enablers that allow them to get away with their abusive behavior. Greg Abbott has Ken Paxton and Dan Patrick. These two enable him to get away with the things that he’s been able to get away with, but that also doesn’t excuse these two for their equally toxic behavior. But this is about Ken Paxton, and wait until you see what he’s been able to get away with. That’s right – he just flat out declared the annual celebration of LGBT individuals known as “Pride Week” illegal. And seriously that works about as well as Michael Scott attempting to declare bankruptcy in The Office. But needless to say this one act has people in Texas up in arms. It’s shockingly illegal and probably will not hold up in court, but they actually went there anyways.





You can’t just declare it illegal, Ken. It doesn’t work that way. And you can also appeal to Fox News viewers all you want, but the half of America that’s not batshit insane, we see through your BS and will eventually oust you. But why is one particular school district in Austin the target of Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton? Well Mr. Paxton is firmly in the Q Anon cult and the Q cult loves to claim that they’re doing their dirty deeds “to protect children”. But they are clearly not protecting children, their policies are doing far more harm than they are actually helping. This is mainly to score points with Fox News viewers and that’s about it.





Well it’s good to know that the superintendent of the school board in Austin that’s being targeted by Paxton is smarter than he is. See let us spell it out for you – allowing people to be inclusive helps them as much as it helps us. By openly being a bigot and listening to what your News Corp. overlords tell you, then you’re just hurting yourself. But here’s the thing that AG Paxton and people like him fail to understand is that they’re not helping children and they’re definitely not stopping any sexual predators, this is a shout out to Q Anon.





So if there’s one thing that we’ve learned in this day and age is that if you tell someone not to do something they’re going to do it anyways. It’s the classic “I know you are but what am I” argument from children’s TV shows. And this Texas school board that was being targeted by AG Paxton? Well they’re going ahead with their Pride Week celebration anyways, because fuck him and fuck Fox News, that’s why! Let Rupert Murdoch and the Q Anon crowd wallow in their own crapulence. It’s important to let people just be themselves without fear of bigotry.





So that’s Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton – he attempted to declare Pride Week illegal but it backfired on him spectacularly. Just another shining example in the ever growing list of:





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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Dr. Oz
[br] [/font] [br]



This week’s This Fucking Guy is someone who you may already have heard of and someone who got destroyed by John Oliver – Dr. Oz. Yes, that Dr. Mehmet Oz. You know him as the “doctor” who rose to fame after getting endorsed by Oprah. Well now he’s back in the news for a variety of reasons and none of them are particularly flattering. That said there’s a number of fictional doctors who I would trust over the real Dr. Oz. There’s Dr. Nick. Dr. Spaceman, Dr. Vinny Boom Botz, Dr. Scholl’s, Dr. Feelgood, Dr. Strangelove, I could go on and on. But here’s the thing is that Dr. Oz is full on board the MAGA Trump train. So much that he basically bought his way into the President’s Fitness Council. I mean come on, what president do you trust on fitness more than a guy who eats Big Macs in bed while yelling at 8 different TVs and then throwing the empty wrappers on the ground? Not to mention probably has not exercised in years. Well of course his embrace of Trumpism is getting him in trouble with the current president and that’s why he’s being asked to leave.





OK first off, STFU Dr. Oz! Politicizing health? That’s your main objective here? No one politicized health more than your former boss did. Of course that’s because he didn’t give a shit about health in the first place. I always love when the people who say we shouldn’t politicize anything are the ones who politicize everything. So who’s Biden going to replace Dr. Oz with? Well as you can imagine, someone who is actually qualified on the subject and not a quack TV doctor who hawks bullshit protein supplements on late night TV. And guess what? Dr. Oz’s replacement is celebrity chef Jose Andres!





Yes so Biden is actually appointing someone who is far more deserving! But guess what? That hasn’t stopped this fucking guy Dr. Oz from claiming that he was prematurely terminated from his position – and I’m sure that it has nothing to do with his failed senate campaign. For which nobody in Pennsylvania asked for or wanted! So of course he retreats to Newsmax to talk about how he’s being disrespected and resorts to the usual brand of childish name calling and finger pointing that conservatives so often do when they’re caught being stupid and unqualified for the subject they’re supposed to speak on.





That’s right! Dr. Oz didn’t “clap back” at anyone. He’s just acting like a stupid spoiled child who’s screaming for his parents to buy him a toy at Target. And here’s the thing too Dr. Oz, you wouldn’t know authoritarianism if it jumped up and bit you! Fox News is actively leading the way for the US to become under authoritarian rule and you’re a very active member of the Trump cult! You might want to sit down on this one. Oh by the way, how’s that Senate candidate of yours going along?





That’s quack TV doctor, fired and spoiled MAGA child, and now failed Pennsylvania senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz, this week’s:





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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey everyone! I don’t know about you but I could really use a drink!



You know with all of the truly dark shit in the world – the only solution is to belly up to the bar with some drinks and talk about anything but all the dark shit happening in the world. That’s what we do here! And I was going to save this topic for next week, but I got bombarded for requests for it on our various social media sites. That topic of course is the Oscars and what wen t between Will Smith and Chris Rock. So tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about a guy getting sucker punched in the face live on stage? Fruit punch and vodka? OK that’s hilarious. But since this does involve a fight I feel like I need the strongest beer you got and the largest glass you got. Because this whole story is truly insane and it all happened in the span of a minute. But at least Will Smith did what no Best Picture in the last five years has managed to do and that’s get people talking about the Oscars again! Oh come on, sir, name one movie in the last five years that’s won Best Picture. You can’t do it can you? Well for those of you who didn’t see it, we’re not going to encourage that sort of thing so we won’t show the footage but you can Google it for yourself. Anyway here’s what went down.





Holy shit! So that happened! Here’s the thing – we don’t condone what Chris Rock said about Jada but we can all agree that he crossed the line, right? But Will Smith going up to him and punching him in the face definitely killed whatever mood that was left in that room that evening. It also I’m sure ruined his night when he actually finally won a Best Actor Oscar. And now that is actually in jeopardy as the Academy is actually having a closed door discussion about what to do about this incident which is getting everyone involved some very bad press. But the question on the table now is why wasn’t Mr. Smith ejected from the Oscars after the slap? Well it might look bad if he were the first Best Actor winner to not be there at the actual award presentation.





Who wants a shot? Shots shots shots shots shots shots! And by the way what do actual actors think about this whole shindig? It was totally insane. Not only that, but Mr. Smith’s half-assed apology during his acceptance speech made the whole thing that much weirder. And the more you do a deep dive down the proverbial “rabbit hole”, the weirder it gets. And one of my favorite actors, Jim Carrey, had some very choice words for the crowd that was there that night. They shouldn’t have been applauding Mr. Smith after what he did, and the fact that it got any applause is totally weird.





I honestly don’t think that bottle is big enough! And if you think you’ve heard the last of this incident, oh it’s not over. Not by any stretch of the imagination. But this might be my favorite part of this whole ugly story. You know how whenever someone does something this crazy that people resort to sending hateful messages to the wrong person with the same name? Well that happened. And Maryland State Senator Will Smith is getting some hateful shit being flung at him unnecessarily. You know people, if you’re mad at something, at least take the time to understand who it is you’re being mad at, exactly, because if you don’t, the wrong people get hurt.






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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2022
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16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Wow, last week we had one for the ages as not one, but both #4 squads upset their #3 rivals to advance to the Elite 8! The biggest shocker was that underdogs Missouri pulled out a win against heavily favored Florida with a batshit insane new law that calls to “Preserve the Second Amendment” that is making things really difficult for law enforcement! Meanwhile, over in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, #4 Nebraska routed favored #3 Nevada to advance to their first Elite 8! This week we’re live at the home of the Sacramento Kings, the fabulous Golden 1 Center in Sacramento, with all the action! This week, in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, #1 Kansas looks to unseat challengers #2 Delaware, while over in the Gun Nut Conference, #1 Texas is bringing their big guns to the dance against #2 Idaho! Let’s go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference Round 1: #1 Kansas Vs #2 Delaware [/font]

[font size="2"]Kansas [/font]


Kansas takes the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference a lot and that’s mainly because they’re the home of Koch Industries and the Heritage Foundation – two groups that have been championing the idea of Americans voting against their best interests for over half a century. So what are they doing to destroy the state of Kansas this year? Well they’ve got a lot up their evil sleeves. For starters they have a giant well that’s being dug in Western Kansas that’s not only a literal hole in the ground, it’s becoming a hole in the state budget too. And here’s the kicker – nobody really knows where the money is going!





That’s about as accurately a portrayal of what it’s like to have a giant hole in your state that’s literally going nowhere. But in case you’re wondering – no we don’t see things improving in Kansas anytime soon so we will keep nominating them to be the Stupidest State. And what is being done about this you might ask? Well Kansas Republicans are aiming their sights on permanently being able to keep their jobs so it’s going to be same shit, different year!





[font size="2"]Delaware [/font]


Now I know what you’re thinking – isn’t Delaware a blue state? Yes they are. Shut up. Why am I telling you to shut up you might ask? Well it’s because no state, not even my home state of California – the bluest blue state that’s ever blued – is immune from shitty ultra-right wing lawmakers. That’s right, they’re everywhere, and they’re like locusts destroying everything in their paths. For one thing did you know that the First State is home to one of the largest for profit prisons in the entire country? And they seem keen on emphasizing that they are “for profit”.





And then not only are they home to for profit prisons, they’re also home to for profit health care! And remember the days of Martin Shkreli and for profit pharmaceutical companies where they were charging $850 for a medication that really only costs $15? Well there’s a Wilmington based company called Incyte that you really should be aware of and they are just as corrupt as any other company in this industry. If someone says they are for profit, be very wary, they are not your friends!





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Oh no question about this one – Kansas scored 25 unanswered points in the second half to take the lead and they are winning the game with less than 30 seconds to go! That’s all she wrote folks! The final score is 93 – 81. Kansas will move on and Delaware will go home! Kansas will face Nebraska in the Elite 8!

[font size="4"]Gun Nut Conference : #1 Texas vs #2 Idaho [/font]

[font size="4"]Texas [/font]


Texas takes the Gun Nut Conference 9 times out of 10 for a reason. Hell everyone knows that Texas loves and embraces the firearm. Last year’s champions are looking to repeat this year and they are rested and ready. Well only in America could a bunch of kids bring air guns to school and it barely makes the news. That’s because we’re so numb to this kind of thing that we honestly don’t pay much attention to it anymore. That’s what happens with epidemics – they just get pushed to the background. And this is very sad because it kills people. And unlike the other epidemic right now, this one isn’t going away unless we actually do something about it.





Gee, you think bringing a fucking gun to school to satisfy a fucking Tik Tok challenge might be, I don’t know, a bad idea? God the stupid burns. And I personally blame the NRA for this. because it’s giving the ultra right wing lawmakers excuses to do some really evil shit. While most of us in the country want fewer firearms and more access to gun safety training and making it harder to get guns, Texas seems to be going in literally the exact opposite direction!





[font size="4"]Idaho [/font]


The Gem State is back in the Gun Nut Conference for another go round! They are also tanned, rested and ready to take on the big dogs in Texas! So what are the Gun Nuts’ credentials you might ask? Well there’s a city in Idaho that has literally gone full vigilante to appease the conservative base that’s moving there in droves to escape the “insane left wing policies”. Really? Then what do you call a town full of gun toting psychopaths there? And where’s that old saying about how an armed society is a polite society? I mean come on.





My god I can’t even imagine what that must be like to not even to be able to trust your own shadow, but that’s what happens when you swing with the Q Anon nutjobs. And by the way Idaho is joining the states with the increasingly weakest gun laws. Yeah once again we can thank the NRA for this because they are doing this to us. It doesn’t matter how many people they kill, it only matters that people are buying guns en masse and gun makers are making those sweet, sweet profits!





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

No contest here again! Idaho gave Texas a run for their money, but Texas is up by ten with less than a minute to go in the second half. Texas for three… YES!!! And that will seal the deal! Texas is moving on to the Final Four to face red hot underdog Missouri! Final score: 87 – 74. Texas will be moving on, Missouri will go home.

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

Wow, can you believe we’re at the last week of Round 1 already? Well believe it because next week it’s Round 1 Week 4 and we’re live at the home of the Anaheim Ducks, Honda Center in Anaheim, California as #1 Georgia looks to battle #2 Iowa for reigning control of the Batshit Conference, while over in the Family Values Conference, #3 Indiana takes on #4 Tennessee. The Elite 8 is shaping up!


[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]AFI[/font]



Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is an awesome punk band from Sacramento, you can see them on tour this August – September. They just released their 10th album called “Bodies”. Playing their song “Dulceria”, give it up for AFI!



Thank you Houston! This was fun! We’re off to Atlanta, GA, the ATL next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
AFI Appears Courtesy Of: Ex Nocteum Nacimur Music
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Houston Improv, Houston, TX
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