July 25, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-6: Dennis & Kanye Go To Pyongyang Palace Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-6: Dennis & Kanye Go To Pyongyang Palace Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Kansas City??? Man we’ve been having an awesome time on the road so far and it’s great to see that we have amazing audiences in the places that we’ve visited so far. This is our 4th stop this season and we are definitely going to try to hit as many places along the way this season. We are hanging out at the lovely Alamo Drafthouse and this is my kind of place – it’s got movies, beer, and comedy! All 3 great things rolled into one! And hey if they sponsor our show it’s even better! So let’s talk some golf. I am not much of a golfer but when I saw this story trending over the weekend I couldn’t help but wonder… what the fuck. You know The Open was this weekend and while most of the attention was being placed on 6th place golfer Tiger Woods, this story involving British golfer Eddie Papperelle slipped through the cracks. Here’s the thing Eddie – I know many of us can work hungover, and well. As Zach Galafinakis put it – “I do my best work hungover, fewer brain cells to confuse the issues”. But really, Eddie, if you’re playing in a tournament, you might want to save the heavy drinking for *AFTER* the tournament, not during! And then my favorite part is how he tweets out “I was not that drunk!”. Hey Eddie, we’ve all been there. At least pick a profession you can do drunk, like my job! OK enough of the intro! We got a lot of idiocy to cover this week, but first Jim Jefferies is back and he tackles the subject of diversity at Comic Con:



Holy crap, where do we begin this week? Well the guy who we currently call “president”, Donald J Trump (1) used his favorite medium – the Tweet – to threaten nuclear war with Iran. Wow. In the second slot this week is Dennis Rodman (2), and he got a plus one to North Korea and he really wants to bring along Kanye West, because, reasons. In the third slot, Alex Jones (3) is absolutely losing it, and this time he may have committed an on air felony or two. . In the fourth slot this week is Profiles In #Civility and whew there were quite a lot of these stories! Taking the fifth slot this week we have a new installment of “How Is This Still A Thing”, and this week after a series of scandals, we’re going to ask: “The National Enquirer – How Is This Still A Thing?”. Taking the sixth slot this week is our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates (6) and this week we’re going to talk about how your choice of breakfast cereal can possibly kill you. Taking the 7th seed this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and our resident pastor has some very alarming news for you concerning the Dark One’s choice of SCOTUS nominee. In the number 8 slot we have a new installment of “Beating A Dead Horse” and this week we’re going to talk about something called Trump Derangement Syndrome, because that’s a thing. I heard a guy on the twittersphere say so! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we’ve got a new installment of People Are Dumb because, well, people are dumb! Finally this week we’ve got a new edition of Deep State Diaries. Last week we showed you the inner workings of the food industry with the USDA, this week we’re further exploring the food industry by including drugs this time around and exploring the FDA! Plus we’ve got some new music for you from a great band you might have heard of called AWOLNATION. They have a great new album out called “Here Come The Runts”. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Ladies and gentlemen, returning to the top spot this week is the guy who we currently call “president”, Donald J. Trump! Bravo, take a bow! So what was the colossal fuck up that happened this week to earn Donny the top spot on the list? Well, only the threat of nuclear war against Iran. You know the GOP has been beating this war drum as long as I’ve been alive. But this is the first time they’ve ever actually made a direct threat.



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Holy fucking shitballs! Did Trump really just say that? Of course he did, and if you expect anything less then we’re not living in the same year. Here’s the tweet. Can we throw that up there?

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1021234525626609666

That must have been an exceptionally angry 3:00 AM toilet tweet that morning. Is someone putting something in Trump’s food? You know he’s taking a colossally backed up shit when he puts his all caps face on! Just let that image sink in for a moment. So in case you’re wondering what Iran’s response is, well, they handled it about the way you’d expect.





Calm down! We’re all not going to die. Yet. Let’s take a look at what might possibly be fueling this insane all caps tirade here. Really, Trump is like your angry uncle who’s just now figuring out how to use social media and can’t figure out why nobody is on his AOL chat line anymore. Get with the times, Uncle Tom!!!! So what’s fueling this?





Of course that’s the problem. And yes we’re very disappointed that that’s the reason crazy Uncle Donnie was threatening nuclear war during his 3:00 AM shit. But here’s where we’re probably all gonna die, and for possibly real this time!






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[font size="8"]Dennis Rodman
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OK so you’re Dennis Rodman and you and everyone’s favorite, loveable mass murdering dictator Kim Jong Un are like this, and he finally gives you that +1 invite that you’ve been clamoring for, for many years now, who do you bring along? Well, Mr. Rodman has one person in particular that he’d like to bring along on his next diplomatic mission.





I'm not sure if I should be thrilled that Dennis and Kanye are having a bromance, or if I can't wait for the movie Dennis & Kanye Go To Pyongyang Palace? Thank you Kansas City! But there’s more to this three-way bromance and it doesn’t involve Kim Jong Un.





Wait, whoa whoa whoa. Back up! Beep beep! Didn’t Kanye recently come out as a hardcore Trump supporter (see Top 10 #4-16 )a few months ago? What was he doing at the March For Our Lives? This is something that Trump supporters wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole. Come on, Kanye, if you’re going to be overtly political, at least be consistent with your beliefs! So Mr. Rodman’s politics haven’t exactly won him a lot of fans lately.





No I’m pretty sure they’re booing you. But here’s the other weird thing – so Rodman wants to bring everyone’s favorite fun loving dictator to the US – to watch a Knicks game of all things!






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[font size="8"]Alex Jones
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I was originally going to talk about the Oath Keepers bailing on their own protest for this entry but then Alex Jones had to go be his usual batshit crazy self. But he really might be losing it this time. What, I’m being completely serious here! So we’re going to tell you the latest batshit crazy thing he said, and then tell you all the crazy things he did to come to that conclusion. Because it is Alex Jones here, and I swear that he must have fact checkers working double overtime. God bless the fact checkers, BTW!





Yes something tells me it will be like Wiley Coyote trying to catch the Road Runner. But just I can’t even… I mean… holy shit. But of course it gets weirder – way weirder. Alex has likened himself to the men who brought down Nixon – Woodward and Bernstein. Wait, does he know anything about the Nixon administration?





Yeah so Alex is losing it big time. But then again, he never really had “it” to begin with. And you know we’ve tried to understand on this program, the alt right’s obsession with pedophilia – and they are fucking obsessed – but it can’t be done! And they are obsessed!





Someone actually has to write for that character! And I don’t know how guys like Alex Jones get away with saying this shit. It’s like 6 Degrees Of Kevin Bacon, except there’s just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is a satanic pedophile! I mean really Alex isn’t any different from that crazy woman who was on Trading Spouses all those years back. Remember those times? I miss those times!






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[font size="8"]Profiles In #Civility
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Ed. Note - for the record, we are *NOT* going to include the story about the Texas waiter who wrote "We don't tip terrorist" as that story proved to be a fake. Back to the show!



So two weeks ago during our Austin show we debuted a new segment called “Profiles In #Civility”. Now if you need a back check on this, it got started when conservatives started a # on the twittersphere after Maxine Waters had that rant against Trump and started getting death threats. But #Civility extends so far from there. So now we’ve turned this into a regular feature because there are a metric fuck ton of these stories coming out. Let’s start with this story out of Arizona where a pharmacist denied a transgender woman’s access to hormone medication.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! So there’s your #Civility – a holier than thou pharmacist denying a trans woman her basic right to live. And seriously what the fuck are self-described Christians like this doing in any position where they might actually have to help someone? Seriously! Next up there’s this story out of Albany, New York.





MAGA! Thank you audience! It should really be – MARA – make America racist again! Of course the good news is that at least Home Depot learned a bit of #Civility out of this.





Yeah! So Home Depot learned a lesson in #Civility. But you know which alt right celebrity apparently didn’t get the memo about #Civility? Roseanne. You know Roseanne, we have this thing called Google, and it still doesn’t excuse the situation any differently!





No… no you didn’t, and you can’t blame it on the Ambien, either. Finally I do want to mention this story involving Guardians of the Galaxy director James Gunn and Pizzagate co conspirator Mike Cernovich, and while Gunn got the memo about #Civility, Cernovich definitely didn’t. And let’s just let the irony of this one sink in – a guy arrested for rape, is calling someone else a child rapist! Yeah that happened.






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[font size="8"] How Is This Still A Thing: The National Enquirer
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Time once again to ask:



The National Enquirer. How is this still a thing? In a day and age where your local newspaper has been consolidated and repackaged to the point where it may just now be literally a sheet of paper, one magazine with outlandishly worded headlines that you see while waiting in line at your local supermarket is still being printed after all these years – the National Enquirer. In the last two years the tabloid has become louder and bolder, and may have violated a federal law or two when it comes to discussing the current administration.





And why does he like the National Enquirer? We have a president who loves having his ass kissed repeatedly. We live in an era where fake news exists, but there is none more fake than the National Enquirer, yet somehow, Trump loves them. In their excessive reporting of Trump, they may have violated a law or two.





But the connections between the National Enquirer and the Trump campaign may be greater and far more reaching than previously expected. In fact things between the two may be worse than Trump’s nightly phone calls to Sean Hannity.



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So we live in an era where fake news is real news, sensationalist journalism and opinion panels replace actual news, and everything right is wrong. And Trump loves all of this. In fact no one picks better articles than he does. He picks the best articles, believe us. So what are they doing? They’re creating a fake news empire!





In fact look at one story developing and how the National Enquirer simply bought the rights to it for $150,000 and kept it hidden. Yes, it actually involves Trump and a prostitute - to which we here are seriously not shocked at all!





There you have it – an actual outlet known for fake news is caught actually rigging the real news. That’s enough to make you ask – The National Enquirer:




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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Death By Cereal
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Kansas City, It is time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Breakfast cereals. They come in all shapes, colors and flavors. You love them as a kid and you probably also love them just as much as an adult. However, one brand in particular has been getting hit hard in the news lately because of a massive recall. In fact the recall is so massive that it’s hit a sizeable majority of the United States. And before anyone asks if your breakfast cereal could possibly kill you, we answer with “yeah, probably”.





So that explains why you might get salmonella while eating Honey Smacks – they’re endorsed by what appears to be a frog on smack. And yes, we’re aware that Death By Cereal and Frogs On Smack recently played a double headlining show at the Troubadour. But of course like all things happening in 2018, this story gets weird.





Here’s the thing – maybe don’t feed your five year old Honey Smacks! Although that might be safer than a lot of children’s food on the market currently.





Yes – do not eat that. Do not feed your kids that. Do not feed your pets that. Just stay away from the bad cereal. Apparently there is an entire website dedicated to food poisoning that you need to be made aware of as they keep track of this sort of thing.





Yes, that apparently might be healthier for you than a bowl of Honey Smacks currently is. That is it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters of Kansas City, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



My fair congregation! There is a war brewing among us! But it’s not so much that we are the ones fighting it, it’s forces led by the Dark One who are fighting this god forsaken atrocity! For the man whose name we dare not speak – THE DARK ONE – if you will, is about to roll back 100 years of progress with the single stroke of a pen. So apparently we were given the Dark One because it was GAWD’s plan to save America! I mean did you know that? I am a good pastor and I didn’t know this!





Yes, I like that one! But now things are getting grim especially when the highest court in the land is at stake, and the Dark One and his minions have their eyes set on it!






Yes, brother Ralph! That is not how this works! You have it all wrong, because that is not what JAYSUS would want, and saying otherwise is not only a SIN it is BLASPHEMY of the highest order, and we cannot allow that! But why would the fairer sex support this madness? I mean are they the creatures spoken about in the Handmaids Tale? Yes probably!





I think even the GOOD LAWRD JAYSUS is trying to send us a message! They say that it isn’t about Roe and they just casually drop it in the conversation like a pharmaceutical drug advertisement glosses over the fact that their drugs might have fatal consequences. Seriously, they just gloss over death like it’s no big deal, much in the way these lunatics are trying to gloss over Roe like it’s no big deal. Is that right my fair congregation? Can I get an amen??? But just remember when it comes to protecting the Dark One, it’s a deep state conspiracy!!!!





By the way, give it up for our gospel choir! How great are they? So according to people who are in the cult of the Dark One, whose name I dare not speak, one minute they love him, the next they are told to be fearful of him! But when it comes to defending the highest court of the land, I hope this is the one thing you leave today’s sermon with when you are confronted with those that support the Dark One and his cult. This one, just I can’t even.



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There you have it folks!!! Bigfoot is a satanic demon!!!! And these people want control of the highest court in the land? Give me a break! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Trump Derangement Syndrome
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Kansas City, it’s time for a new edition of:



There’s a common logical fallacy that never really gets paid a lot of attention these days. And it’s fairly common in the era of Trump. It’s when you accuse the person you’re debating of having “______ derangement syndrome”. So we’re going to take a look at what causes Derangement Syndrome, and why you should be concerned about it when accusing your next debate opponent of it. See, DS is not a thing. It’s not defined in the DSM and it’s not considered a mental illness. Derangement Syndrome is a term that was coined by the late Charles Krauthammer in 2003 when he was accusing liberals then of having “Bush Derangement Syndrome” relating to the 2000 election. Cut to 2018, same shit, different year, and it’s really a case of “Beating A Dead Horse”. So let’s explain a bit further.





Well you’re not wrong, sir. This is what is clearly happening. So it’s not really a mental condition at all, even though some would like for it to be. In fact CNN (*Trump voice* fake news!) even further defines TDS as having 3 distinct stages.





Again, you’re not wrong, Sir. But in an era where we have been miseducating people for 40 fucking years on what the president actually does, things might get lost in the conversation. Like the ability to distinguish fantasy from reality. And in the era of fake news, that’s all you need! But one thing you definitely don’t need is the guy who the disease is named after playing armchair doctor!




Yes, you’re wrong!!! Stop saying that! Not everybody has TDS. And if you do, there’s a laundry list of side effects. The cure of course is this show! And you can see our ad in Golf Digest magazine if you want more information. So what happens when you use this in an actual debate? Well let’s just ask Whoopi Goldberg!





OK now you’re wrong! You’re definitely wrong! I think I might be coming down with a case of TDS myself! But we still have a lot more show to do, damn it! But TDS affects everybody! Even Capitol Hill isn’t immune from this disease, and we need to find a cure!






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. So who is dumb this week? I want to start with this story out of where else but America’s most penis-shaped state of Florida. So here’s the thing guys if you get caught drinking and driving, perhaps this is not the best excuse to give when trying to get out of a ticket.





Next up – we’re also sticking with the great state of Florida here. I’m not sure what the bigger fail is – oh wait – yeah it’s definitely the tourist that managed to get stabbed by a guy with no arms! *cue horror music*





Excuse me a minute… Next up we’re going to the great state of New Hampshire for this story. OK so here’s the thing – we are all about free love and judgement free zones. But here's a guy who took the "judgement free" policy of the Planet Fitness gym chain just a little too literally!





Love that movie so much! And he really was streaking in a gymnasium! Next up – I don’t know if you’re familiar with the concept of “escape rooms” or not but this one guy in Vancouver, Washington definitely wasn’t.





Finally this week for People Are Dumb – movies. Specifically “The First Purge”. You know – those charming flicks about what would happen if all crime were legal for 24 hours a day for one year, well, don’t take them for real life inspiration!





That’s it this week for People Are Dumb!




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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 6: The Food & Drug Administration
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It’s time for episode 6 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the 24 branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The FDA[/font]


So last week we explored the US Department Of Agriculture, a cabinet level position that oversees America’s farming operations and domestic food production. So why do we need the FDA, you might ask? Well sir/madam I answer you. If you saw our investigative piece “Top 10 Investigates” this week you know about the cereal recall of Honey Smacks. Well guess what? That ties right into what we’re going to talk about this week! So there’s a couple of ways the FDA works and they can both be good and bad. For instance you might have seen something called “the Impossible Burger” popping up at your favorite burger and beer establishment lately.





Only thrice the fat of normal hot dogs! But what else does the FDA do? Well it’s all well and good about food, but what about the drugs part? It’s in their name after all.





Yeah so I wonder how the FDA feels about mind bending experimental hallucinogenic peppers crafted by Guatemalan mental patients? That is a good question! Well how about some much better drugs?





Yeah so there is always that! Now what happens when the FDA doesn’t approve of a drug, what happens there? Well let’s just say that much like the IRS, if you’re in the food and / or drug industry, this is one organization whose bad side you don’t want to be on!





[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: B
How Things Are Going: B
Likely hood To Survive: C

Overall: B-

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

Next week we’re going to take a look at how the governing body of our electoral system is handled as we take a look at the FEC!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]AWOLNATIONl[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is an awesome band from Los Angeles. They have a great new album out called “Here Come The Runts” and you can see them at the Red Sun Festival in Redding, CA September29th and the Voodoo Music & Arts Festival in New Orleans on October 26th – 29th. Playing their song called “Passion”, give it up for AWOLNATION!




Kansas City, this was fun! Can’t wait to come back! We are off to St. Louis next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Alamo Drafthouse, Kansas City, KS
Special Thanks To: Alamo Drafthouse Management
Top 10 Gospel Choir: Our Church Of The Nazarene Choir, Shawnee, KS
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
AWOLNTION appear courtesy of: Red Bull Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

July 22, 2018

Preview For This Week's Top 10 Conservative Idiots

I'm not sure if I should be thrilled that Dennis and Kanye are having a bromance, or if I can't wait for the movie Dennis & Kanye Go To Pyongyang Palace?

*audience laughs and applauds*

This week the Top 10 is live from Kansas City! Trump wants to bring Putin to the White House, Dennis Rodman wants to bring Kanye to North Korea, the Oath Keepers want to bring the heat to Maxine Waters' office, we ask how the National Enquirer is still a thing, Beating A Dead Horse discusses Trump Derangement Syndrome, and we have some more Profiles In #Civility. Plus in our weekly investigative piece Top 10 investigates, we're going to food poisoning, and specifically death by breakfast cereal! And our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", our resident pastor is going to look at how the religious right is going to erode your rights - and probably die trying! And some more People Are Dumb, because people are dumb. And the next installment of Deep State Diaries is going to take a look at how our food is approved by looking at the FDA! Plus we've got some live music for you from AWOLNATION!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Wednesdays at 2:00 PM (we promise this time!) /shameless self promotion

July 18, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-5: Diary Of A Wimpy Trump: Nyet Rules! Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-5: Diary Of A Wimpy Trump: Nyet Rules! Edition

Ed. Note - due to a scheduling conflict at our host venue, the Top 10 will be early tonight! Enjoy!

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up New Orleans? Man we had a great time in Austin but now we are continuing this show on the road. We’re hanging out here at the lovely Café Istanbul. Man I love New Orleans food, and you guys are drunk too! For those of you at home there’s a lot of drinking going on in NOLA! You got French food, you got Cajun food, you got creole food, you got fried chicken, you got Po’Boys, and it’s really a crazy mix. Not to mention the beer, wine, and booze flow pretty freely here! Seriously I am going to get fat by the end of this trip. Well, OK… fatter, because the food here in NOLA is so damn good! Do we have time for the thing? OK so we got to talk about Blake Shelton for a minute. I love this story. So Blake was doing a show at a festival in Oregon, and he admitted that he had quite a bit to drink before the show, after all, it was Pendleton Music Whisky Festival in Oregon, so I can imagine that was flowing pretty freely backstage. But rather than apologize, Shelton actually asked fans for video of it! To which of course the social media gods provided in droves, and the even funnier thing is that Shelton blamed it on Pitbull as a joke, because why wouldn’t you? And then someone tweeted at Blake “Oh so that’s the kind of show you put on? For people who spend their hard earned dollars for you to show up drunk?” to which Blake responded “Oh sorry ma’am, this account is for people with a sense of humor! No cry baby tweets! Try again tomorrow!”. Ah, that was the best part. Got to love it when stars have a sense of humor about themselves! OK enough of the intro. We got a lot of idiocy to cover this week. But first I got to play this clip from Jim Jefferies where he destroys the now former head of the EPA, Scott Pruitt:



There is so much idiocy to cover this week, where do we start? How about we start in the first slot with recapping the insane interview that was the Congressional hearings of Peter Strzok (1). Holy crap that was insane. In the second slot this week is Donald Trump (2) and we’re going to recap his visit to the UK because it is quite frankly one of the most insane things ever, and the amount of protestors there was about 3 Trump inaugurations. In the third slot this week is also Donald Trump, and once again, the trouble making kid gets sent to the principal’s office for a third time in another episode of Diary Of A Wimpy Trump: Nyet Rules! (3). In the fourth slot this week we have some more “Profiles In #Civility” to tell you about which includes a lot of racism and Trump supporters being, well, Trump supporters. In the fifth slot this week is our weekly arm chair investigative piece Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week we’re going to tackle the tricky subject of Micro Cheating (5) – are you guilty of it? Spoiler alert! Probably! And in the sixth seed is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week our resident pastor is going to tell you some of the more batshit crazy reactions to the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh coming from the Christian right. At number 7 is the CEO of Papa John’s Pizza, John Schnatter (7) and we’re going to ask: “Papa John’s Pizza: How Is This Still A Thing?”. In the 8th slot this week is the Alt Right (8) and we’ve got a lot of news to cover including the Proud Boys attracting an unruly crowd in Los Angeles, while Alex Jones is the go to guy on internet censorship. Yes, really. And in the number 9 (NEIN!) slot this week we have a new installment of “I Need A Drink” and this week we’re going to get drunk and discuss the end of Blockbuster Video. No, for real this time! Finally this week we’ve got a new edition of Deep State Diaries and this week we’re going to show you the inner workings of the food industry by exploring the US Department Of Agriculture (USDA) and we’re here to tell you this list is USDA certified fresh! Plus we’ve got some live music for you from San Diego’s Slightly Stoopid! They have a great new album called “Everyday Life Everyday People” that you should really check out. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The Peter Strzok Hearing
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OK so we need to do some flashbacks here for a minute. You know that thing they do in movies that catches the audience up to speed on what was previously going on with the characters. So remember back during the 2016 election when FBI agent Peter Strzok sent text messages proclaiming that Trump was going down in the November general election? Well that didn’t happen. Now this week, our right wing Congress, in its’ infinite wisdom, decided to investigate these texts last week. Because you know, there’s nothing else pressing at the moment.





Yup – Congress is fast becoming a literal 3 ring circus. Can’t wait for the lions, tigers, bears, and bearded lady to show up! But this entire thing was easily a category 5 shit storm. Could easily venture into category 6, where you will see thunder and lightning accompany said shit! But of course you know he had to weigh in!




Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. So the guy who sent a couple of text messages is a disgrace? This fucking president has been a national disgrace!!! Thank you, New Orleans! But we’re still not done with this story. This whole administration so far has been like peeling an onion – each layer reveals something new, and when it does, it stinks, and you’re more likely to cry as a result.





You know what guys, who hurt you? I don’t think that question has been asked enough about this administration. Who hurt them? I could talk about this hearing all day but I will tell you my favorite part of this whole thing. So according to New York representative Hakeem Jeffries, well.. .






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Well, Trump didn’t save the noble queen. Instead, he snubbed her. Of course unless you’re living under a rock, you know last week that Trump went to England, and turned Picadilly Circus into an actual circus, because that’s what he does everywhere he goes. In fact the Top 10 is going to London on December 12th at the 99 Club, Leicester Square. Just thought I’d plug that for ya. But getting back on topic, we got to talk about what happened when Trump met the Queen.





Right. I swear even the best sitcom writers on the planet couldn’t make up a character as crazy as Donald J. Trump is. He literally does the wrong answer for everything. You could ask him “where do babies come from?”. He’d answer “pancakes?”. You could ask him what color the sky is. He’d answer “Yellow?”. But the thing is you know what Britons really saw? They didn’t see the President Of The United States. They saw an infomercial.





But wait! There’s more! Did you see that previous article that Trump took a golf cart out on one of the world’s oldest and most traditional golf courses? Seriously, that guy is such a fat lazy fuck that he couldn’t even walk that golf course. But the sad thing is if you’re American and you plan on visiting the UK or living there any time soon, Trump just fucked things up.





Thank you Susie. My sentiments exactly! I mean even the Royals are pissed at Trump. William and Harry didn’t even come to Trump’s visit at the Palace. I mean really remember when we used to have a president that was loved and respected around the world? I miss those times!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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So Trump’s trip to England was a swing and a miss. But now we go to Helsinki where Trump takes the shit storm with him to meet the real president of the United States – Vladimir Putin! Yes, which means once again we have an episode of Diary Of A Wimpy Trump. Thank you graphics department! Seriously every time Trump meets with Putin I feel like he’s the trouble making kid who repeatedly gets sent to the principal’s office. Trump’s got some ‘splainin to do!



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Oh… oh! Trump’s got some ‘splainin to do! I mean while he bemoans NFL players for disrespecting the flag, Trump took a giant shit on it! And I mean come on, given his diet, that shit will definitely stink up the joint! Thank you, New Orleans! Ah, I’ll drink to that! But you know who won? It aint Trump, that’s for sure!





That graphic always kills me by the way! So Trump not only swang and missed hard, he also admitted that yeah, he might have committed some light treason. Or maybe it’s some full on, full bore complete treason!



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You know this whole meeting is like as if Trump is the unruly middle school student who constantly gets sent to the principal’s office. So this is like those movies Diary Of A Wimpy Kid, and this is Diary Of A Wimpy Trump. For the sake of subtitling, let’s call it “Diary Of A Wimpy Trump: Nyet Rules!”. Thank you graphics department! So what’s it going to take to charge Trump with treason, guys? Or are you all in on it?





This is insane. Trump can never claim anyone is disrespecting the flag or our country ever again if he took a giant dump on it. I mean even George Bluth is going “hey! I’m off the hook now!”. But you got to know that Russia are not our friends!






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[font size="8"]Profiles In Civility
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Folks, last week we debuted a new segment in which we touched on the fact that despite calls for something called “civility” – something unheard of in this day and age of Trump, there are a lot of these kinds of stories that have been coming out lately. Which is mainly white people calling the cops on black people. But this week there’s just one Profile In #Civility that I want to expand on – someone famous got the cops called on them for doing the very thing they’ve done 100 times before. Yup, that’s right, we have to talk about it!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! So the question is – was this a political setup or not? That’s where the #Civility question comes into play. I mean come on if you go to a strip club and you don’t get motorboated, you fail at life! At least make it rain, man! Not rainman, sir! And you are at a strip club called “Sirens” you know there’s got to be cops that hang out there on a daily basis!





Yeah… excuse me a minute… it was kind of like that! I mean really you bought the ticket, you attended the show, what did you expect was going to happen at a strip club? I mean I’ve been to a few of these in my life, I knew what to expect. But here’s where it gets weird.





Because of course they didn’t! But they did, or did they? I mean this is the Trump administration we’re talking about here. You know somewhere there’s a kid asking their parents right now “Mommy what’s a golden shower?” or “what does grab them by the pussy mean?”. So much better than her e-mails. Back on topic this might be the strangest thing about the arrest is that it is paying attention to all the strange laws the stripping and exotic dancing community has to follow.





Now all the stupidity of this arrest and the absurdity of #Civility, it’s not going to stop Stormy from performing her act, even in Ohio where the arrest took place! I mean you can’t keep a good stripper down!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Micro Cheating
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



If you’re in a relationship, whether it’s a short term relationship or a long term relationship, or you’re married or single, you probably don’t think about the number of ways that relationship could end. But as it turns out, it could end way faster than you would think. Because as new science and research has pointed out, there’s plenty of possible ways a relationship could end. This is the new concept and phenomenon known as “micro cheating”. Here’s how this is defined.





But is it creeping? Is it cheating? Or is it a combination of the above? Most likely it is a combination of all of the above. But you could be cheating and not know it. In fact there’s a whole list of warning signs of the possibility of micro cheating. Apparently you could be guilty of it and not know it.





This is where you might start to actually question whether or not this is a thing. Seriously, if you think about it – James Bond is a notorious micro cheater. Especially on Moneypenny. But how do you know, would you believe there are warning signs? Why yes there are warning signs!





Yes, monogamy is hard, although somehow we think Ashley Madison may not be the best person to ask on this subject. That would be like asking Trump about his love of fine dining. So apparently you can subtly cheat on your partner without knowing it. Even cheating on social media is still cheating.





So apparently James Bond cheats all the time. In fact Bond cheats so much his cheats have their own cheats. It’s cheating inception. But apparently even the so-called “experts” think this is 100% grade A bullshit:





So even the experts aren’t exactly clear on what this is. That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit

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Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters of New Orleans, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



My fair congregation, something afoul is afoot! For the Dark One, whose name I dare not speak, might be getting an upgrade to his crumbling administration! Yes, for a second justice has resigned from the highest court in the land. Meaning that the religious right is salivating over the prospect that they will now have the ability to eliminate rights and freedoms that people – mainly the fairer sex – have once had, and it is not a good thing!





Hey give it up for the Top 10 Gospel Choir – how great are they? Now you know that the cat is out of the bag on how they really feel – you know the Dark One could nominate Hitler and Satan to the Supreme Court and they would be praising how great their choices are. But now you’re going to hear some ridiculously stupid shit coming from the religious right. Yes, we’re allowed to swear in our church, ma’am! But what we are not allowed to say is the name of the Dark One! For he is the most evil being in the world right now! He is the devil incarnate!!! But that wasn’t even the craziest thing that was said!





Yeah I think the Dude answers that question better than you, Jesse! But apparently this appointment is the best one of the Dark One’s performances so far! Really do these people even hear themselves talking?





Yes, keep talking sinners! Because lying is a sin!! And it is a sin that is very clearly outlined in our good book right here! For which you can buy copies right after the show! And you can see for yourself where it clearly says that. I know which passage and verse they appear in! Not that passage, good sir! But you know with friends like these, who needs enemies?





There you have it! Religious groups are now literally telling their parishoners which way to vote, so much for separation of church and state! But we are not an official church. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]John Schnatter
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It’s time once again to ask:



Papa John’s Pizza: How is this still a thing? Yes, the company founded by John Schnatter has been in quite a bit of trouble the over some of the founder’s remarks. You might remember when he denounced his employees’ right to health care while he lives in a giant mansion with a private golf course. Or you might remember when they became the official pizza of the Alt Right when Schnatter said some racist remarks about NFL players and anthem protests (see Top 10 #3-21 ). But this week it might have sent them over the edge.





Yes, Papa John himself went full racist during an exercise in how to handle public relations events, which suggests that perhaps he didn’t quite get the message. And you never go full racist, even hardcore 1488 white supremacists know that. Shit, even Rand Paul knows that John Schnatter is a racist scumbag. And Rand Paul is also a racist scumbag.





And that is certainly true. So how is Papa John’s Pizza still a thing if their founder is such a racist asshole and an overall horrible human being? Well even their board of directors is asking him to stop talking.





Yes, Papa John went there, and in this day and age, you most certainly cannot go there. Perhaps it’s time for the Papa John’s company to take a step back and retool its’ image. Even the University Of Louisville dropped their name from their stadium.





So Papa Johns lost their lucrative corporate sponsorship. And to even kick a man further when he’s down, the Papa John’s Corporation kicked him out of their Louisville headquarters and asked that he not talk to the press:





Which just goes to show you – in this day and age, maybe don’t say something racist. Even analysts are predicting that Papa Johns is better off without its’ key ingredient: Papa John.





Yes, in addition to racism and excess greed, Papa John himself thinks of diversity the same way that Ron Burgundy does. Which makes us think that the company is better off without him. That’s enough to make you ask – Papa John’s Pizza:




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[font size="8"]The Alt Right
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So the Alt Right is finding out that its’ messages of racism, sexism, xenophobia, homophobia, transphobia, and misogyny aren’t exactly welcome in a society that is becoming more free and accepting of these things. Case in point – the Proud Boys. Yes, that group of winners was dining in the Top 10’s hometown of Los Angeles when they attracted unruly crowds on both sides, as was expected, and well, things got really ugly really quickly, as was expected.





Hell yes it did. And like all things the Alt Right does, they’re quickly finding out that people might be really pissed off at them. But you know there’s crazy and then there’s Alt Right crazy. The difference is that they take your normal crazy and add racism and misogyny among other horrible traits. But here’s the thing about the right wing that you need to know – when you kick them down, they get right back up again. And yes, they are planning a 2nd Unite The Right rally.





Yes so the Alt Right sends out their best… um… lawyers to deal with the situation. I thought these people hated trial lawyers, did they not? I mean who wants to go hear a bunch of semi-patriotic yahoos who carry around pocket versions of the Constitution yet couldn’t recite one article from it scream about how much they hate everyone who’s not a MAGAhole? Let these assholes speak to empty rooms and eventually they’ll go away. But no…





Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. So you’re telling me that the Alt Right and Neo Nazis shouldn’t mix and that they should welcome doxing? Ok I want whatever brand of Covfefe these guys are smoking. Because this is some truly fucked up logic here. The alt right and the neo Nazis actually have a lot in common. You would think these guys would make natural allies. But here’s where it gets weird. So the good news – they can’t carry guns.





So yeah Unite The Right 2: Electric Boogaloo Die Harder is going to be kind of like that. And how is it going to play out? Only time will tell!!!






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink

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Hey New Orleans, I really need a drink!



And man do I need a drink this week. So you know the idea of this is where we get have some drinks and talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics because, let’s face it, there’s some pretty dark shit in the news right now. So if you’re between drinks right now this is the perfect time to order another round or two! And it got really dark really quickly. Plus I’m in a city where booze flows freely by the way, is it safe to say that? So tell me bartender, what goes well with a rented DVD? A bottle of Bud Dry? That hasn’t existed as long as… OK fine, fuck it. I’ll just take my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. I call it the “Double Jack”. So a very sad thing happened last week in Alaska. Let’s explain further.





Yes that probably is not a wise investment, Randy, as there is only one last Blockbuster Video in America and it’s in Bend, Oregon. Which makes us wonder – hey what happened to all that crazy movie memorabilia John Oliver bought a while back?





Excuse me a minute… And here’s where it gets weird. See, gone are the days when you would actually get in your car and drive to a Blockbuster Video to rent a DVD. Only to find there’s nothing good and then you get back in the car and drive home. Now you can just push a button and have these movies available to you instantly. The really fucked up thing in this day and age is that the last Blockbuster in America has actually seen a resurgence!





Yeah remember when they would pick like the most bland, G-rated, boring, unoffensive movie to show on the TV monitors? Like Air Bud or Babe: Pig In The City? Although somehow I don’t think Ted would be the movie I would choose, but if you have no customers, fuck it! I mean come on even Arnold jokes about the end of Blockbuster Video!






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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 5: The USDA
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It’s time for episode 5 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the 24 branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The USDA[/font]


This week we’re going to take a look at how our meat is processed. Not that kind of meat, sir. Go ahead, let all of the jokes out! I’ll just sit here and finish my second double Jack & Jack. I mean come on if you’re going to talk shit about how big your meat is, whip it out! Don’t be shy! You won’t get arrested for public nudity. This is New Orleans! What happens in NOLA, stays in NOLA, am I right about that? OK let’s get back to business here, we got Slightly Stoopid waiting. They’re on a huge tour right now and I’m sure they’d like to get back to it. Back on track. The US Department Of Agriculture oversees the American farming industry. And right now we are in a state with a lot of farms, isn’t that right, Louisiana? But they oversee how all of our domestic animal and vegetable products are produced. To take a look at what they do exactly, let’s see how they are monitoring our fruits that are produced in states like my home state of California.





He does kind of look orange doesn’t he? Anyway getting back on topic, and speaking of Trump, who did he nominate to lead this department? After all they do get a cabinet position, and on America’s Next Top President, that position will get quickly eliminated!



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Wow. Just… wow. Just like everything he nominates, Trump manages to pick the absolute worst candidates for the job! I mean the current head of the USDA used to run a giant chemical company that, I don’t know, poisoned agriculture! That would be like nominating the iceberg to lead America’s boating industry! Straight ahead! Cling clang!!! I mean come on, they’re thinking of getting rid of bees! Bees for damn sake!





You know what before we go we should definitely take a look at what the USDA is doing to help the bee population. This is about as evil as it gets. You might as well appoint Homer Simpson to be head bee guy.





Damn it!!!!

[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: B
How Things Are Going: C
Likely hood To Survive: B

Overall: B

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

Next week we are going to show you more of the food world as we visit the Food & Drug Administration!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Slightly Stoopid[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, returning to our fine program, is none other than San Diego’s biggest stoner rock band. They have a new album out called “Everyday Life, Everyday People” and you can see them on the School’s Out For Summer tour running through August! Playing their song “If You Want It”, give it up for Slightly Stoopid!




New Orleans, this was an awesome experience! I love you guys! We’ll be back soon! We are off to Kansas City next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Café Istanbul, New Orleans, LA
Special Thanks To: Café Istanbul Management
Top 10 Gospel Choir: Holy Foursquare Church Choir, Shreveport, Louisiana
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Slightly Stoopid Appear Courtesy Of: Stoopid Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

July 16, 2018

Top 10 Quick Takes: Proud Boys Gathering In LA Gets Ugly

Fuck the Proud Boys. GTFO out of California.

July 15, 2018

Preview For This Week's Top 10 Conservative Idiots

https://twitter.com/xeni/status/1018255780838035458

Oh the humanity!!!!!!!!

*audience laughs and applauds*

This week - the Top 10 is live in New Orleans and it's gonna be a rager! We break down the Peter Strzok hearing, recap all the madness from Trump's London visit, introduce America's Next Top SCOTUS Justice, tell you about the latest Mueller indictments, Alex Jones is the go to guy on internet censorship, and we have more Profiles In #Civility. Plus in our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, we're going to take a look at something called "Micro Cheating" - are you guilty of it? And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", our resident pastor is going to tell you some of the more insane ramblings from the Christian right about SCOTUS. Also we ask how Papa John's is still a thing, and the Alt Right is planning Charlottesville 2: Electric Boogaloo Die Harder. We've also got a new installment of "I Need A Drink" in which we get drunk and discuss the end of Blockbuster Video. And we've got the next installment of Deep State Diaries in which we find out how our meat is processed as we tour the USDA. Plus some live music from Slightly Stoopid!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Wednesdays at 2:00 PM /shameless self promotion

July 12, 2018

Top 10 Quick Takes: Trump Is A Stable Genius II

Well you know what they say about repeating the lie long enough...

July 11, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-4: Wheel Of Corruption & The Goblet Of Fire Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-4: Wheel Of Corruption & The Goblet Of Fire Edition

Ed. Note: We had some technical difficulties with the Wheel Of Corruption which resulted in the delay but we are back up and running! Enjoy!

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Austin???? Yeah we need the reggaetón horn for this one! It’s our first ever road trip show and we’re doing it where else but the capital of Texas, Austin! Yes we have left our confines of the UCB Theater in Hollywood to go out and take the Top 10 out on the road. This time we’re hanging out in the one area of Texas where apparently liberals are still welcome – Austin, at the Cap City Comedy Club! Holy shit what a week it’s been! So do we have time for the thing or not? Yes? OK let’s talk about the World Cup. And one of my favorite subjects – prop betting. Because we here at the Top 10 will help you make money off just about anything. So we have the semi finals tomorrow with France vs. Belgium and Croatia vs. England. By the way did anyone else love it when Russia lost? Come on Austin! But there’s one prop bet in particular that I want to talk about and that involves former phenom David Beckham and current phenom Zlatan Ibrahemovich. I really hope I’m pronouncing that right. Anyway the two of them made a wager that if England won the winner would get dinner anywhere in the world – which is pretty cool in itself. But then if France won, Beckham would have to buy Zlatan anything he wanted from Ikea. To which the rest of the world responded: “Really?”. This has to be a joke right? I mean Zlatan can afford a mega mansion in Los Angeles, why would he shop anywhere else? Unless Ikea sponsors our show to which we say please by all means buy anything you want at Ikea! Great place! OK enough of the intro. Man it sucks on July 4th weekend when there’s no good talk show content being produced. So instead I’ll play Bill Maher’s new rule from a couple of weeks ago where he discussed “The Tick”:



Hey everybody the Wheel Of Corruption is back! Yay!!!! Wow, even on July 4th, conservative idiocy doesn’t take a holiday. In the first slot – another shake up in the Trump administration means it’s time for another installment of the Trumper Games! Woooooooooooooo!!!! Hell yeah! It’s been a while, but Tribute Pruitt has resigned because scandals, and it’s time for another go round! In the second slot we’re going to debut a new segment called “Profiles In Civility” (2). And by GOP “civility” they mean “kicking black people out of every public establishment”. There have been a lot of these stories lately and we’re going to burn through a few of them. In the third slot this week we have a new installment of “People Who Somehow Got Elected” and we are going to profile Ohio rep Jim Jordan in the wake of that massive and horrifying wrestling sex abuse scandal. In the 4th slot this week is also Donald Trump (4) and we’re going to recap his rally in Montana last week and it is something else. We’re talking off the rails batshit crazy. In the fifth slot this week is our weekly investigative piece “Top 10 Investigates” and this week we’re going to investigate actual NAZIs running for office, and some might be in YOUR OWN BACKYARD!!! *cue horror music* Taking the 6th slot this week of course is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”. And this week our resident pastor is going to take a look at the Ark Encounter theme park and its’ allegedly skyrocketing attendance. In the number 7 slot we’re going to bring back “Explaining Jokes To Idiots” and this week we’re going to tell you about how Alex Jones got trolled hard in response to his bizarre claim that democrats were going to start a civil war on July 4th, it was sweet! At number 8 we’ve got a new installment of “Beating A Dead Horse” and this week we’re going to talk about the Alt Right’s favorite conspiracy theory – Pizzagate. Seriously, guys, enough of this shit already! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we’ve got a new installment of our favorite segment People Are Dumb because people are dumb! Finally this week we’ve got a new edition of Deep State Diaries and this week we’re going deep into the White House to take a look at how the White House Press Corps has been doing under Trump mouthpiece Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Plus we’ve got some live music for you from the Interrupters you guys! Yes I think this is the first ska band we’ve had on the show, but they are great and their new album you should definitely check out. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The Trumper Games
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey everybody! It’s time for the WHEEL OF CORRUPTION!!! Yay!!!!



Of course you know the rules by now – I spin the wheel and we have to talk about whatever it lands on. Of course if it lands on the guacamole option, you know that it costs $1.50 extra. So here’s what is on the wheel this week:

- Guns
- Abortion
- Crime
- Poverty
- Chance
- 5,000
- Infowars
- Nazis
- Go Directly To Jail
- Buy A Vowel
- The Trumper Games
- Lawsuits
- Whammy
- Donald Trump
- People Are Dumb
- ‘Merica!
- How Is This Still A Thing?
- A Random Tweet
- 10,000
- Community Chest
- Talk Shows
- Clip Without Context
- Something Random In The News
- Fox News
- Top 10 Investigates
- Polls
- Chance
- Nukes
- Civility
- Intermission
- Deep State Diaries
- 15,000
- Bankrupt
- Morally Bankrupt
- Golf
- The GOP
- Butter Beer
- Community Chest
- Florida (Obviously)
- This Fucking Guy
- Beating A Dead Horse
- Holy Shit
- Guacamole ($1.50 Extra)
- Harry Potter
- T-Shirt Cannon
- ? (Mystery Item)
- I Need A Drink
- Lightning Round
- Bonus Spin

Let’s get this going! Spin that shit! Wheel goes ‘round, wheel goes ‘round… and it lands on… clip without context!



Well… at least he admits it! And we’ll kick their asses again! Spin it again! Hey it lands on the Trumper Games!



Yes, my pretties!!! I am back! And where’s my drink! Damn it, Charlie, I asked you not to bring me the cheap champagne! I want the good stuff! Now where was I? Oh yes! Another Tribute has been eliminated from the games. But not before the president could fire the tribute. No! He has been eliminated through self elimination! And we think that’s probably the best move he could have made given the circumstances.





Yeah!!!!!! Let’s all toast to Pruitt leaving! Of course he leaves and our temperatures skyrocket by 30 degrees! The environmental gods must be pissed! Enjoy Hell, assholes! So we might be asking – how did this happen? Because Pruitt is not exactly what one would call “honorable”.





To which I respond: “womp womp”. Followed by an “I don’t really care. Do U?”. So who is the next tribute who’s in line to replace Pruitt? Well, Bill Shine is the guy! And here’s more about him!





Yes, Trump is literally stacking his cabinet with former Fox News hosts! Think of it as a bullshit – to – bullshit pipeline! And by the way you want to know who’s really leeching off your hard earned tax dollars? It’s Scott Pruitt!





So for now consider Tribute Pruitt eliminated! And damn it Charlie, where’s my champagne? Keep my glass filled, damn it!!! But keep in mind that since Pruitt has resigned the planet has got so hot that it almost literally resembles hell!






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[font size="8"]Profiles In Civility
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin the wheel shall we? Wheel goes round, wheel goes round… and it lands on… wait for it… A random tweet!

https://twitter.com/TrumpBabyUK/status/1014831369522999296?s=19

Well they know he's so fat that he would need an industrial sized safety pin to hold his diaper in place! Although is it me or does fat baby Trump look like he's about to get popped by Westminster Abbey? Spin it again!!! Oh it’s our new segment… *cue reverb* Profiles In Civility! Ooh that was some good reverb there!



So here’s how this is going to work. Ever since Trump fans have harping on Maxine Waters and calling for civility we’re going to point out Trump profiles in civility. Which means essentially kicking black people out of public establishments. And we can define this the way Newt Gingrich defined it last week:





So the way to be civil to your fellow Americans is to press charges? All right Newt let’s see how many of these we can churn out. Because it’s just absolute madness at this point and it’s only seeming to get worse and worse. So in for our first “Profile In Civility” we’re going to San Antonio, Texas to talk about this incident. Yeah I don’t want to talk about this incident but it’s a perfect example to get us started.





Yeah so that happened. And yes there’s a report of some underlying racism coming from the victim that can’t be verified. But here’s where the #Civility comes into play. Guess what happened next? Kino got the treatment of the internet lynch mob – he got doxed, and very poorly at that!





Damn straight, Principal Skinner! But the examples just don’t stop there! There was plenty of madness to go around this week! Like look what happened in Florida when this woman screamed “I don’t really care, do U?” at a disabled kid just trying to get around in a Wal-Mart.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Come on, you’re at a Florida Wal-Mart. Of course they hire these kinds of people. But this isn’t the only one. There’s literally been *HUNDREDS* of these kinds of stories coming out like this in the last two weeks. I could post them all, but I don’t really have that kind of time. Like how about this one in Georgia where a Subway employee called the cops on a black family just trying to eat there?





So who’s the bigger danger here – the innocent black family just trying to eat a shitty footlong sandwich, or the white supremacist behind the counter who’s making them? And our final Profile In #Civlity this week we have to talk about this story out of San Bernardino, California, where a prosecuting attorney threatened to murder Maxine Waters, among other horrible atrocities committed on Twitter:





To which we respond: “womp womp”, followed by “I don’t really care, Do U?”. You know we’ll bring you more of these stories as we get them. But for now this has been:




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[font size="8"]Jim Jordan
[br] [/font] [br]

Spin that shit! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP! Clip without context!



You guys are aware that you elected the antichrist president, right? Hey o!!! Spin it again! People who somehow got elected! Hit it!

Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:



This week – Ohio representative Jim Jordan, who is involved with a sexual predator at Ohio State University that would make the scandals at Penn State and Michigan State look like childs’ play if they get away with it. So let’s just start with how much trouble Jim Jordan is really in, he could be cellmates with Jerry Sandusky and Harvey Weinstein before too long.



?itemid=4160067

I mean… Jesus. It seems Jim Jordan is in some very deep shit. And of course they’re joking – that’s that good old fashioned conservative “humor” at work. You can’t joke about this sort of thing, and neither will we. And of course it’s insane to think this has been going on many years *AFTER* the Jerry Sandusky scandal:





So for those of you playing at home, if you are following the conservative logic on this, they’re apparently OK with Jim Jordan’s witness tampering of an alleged pedophile at OSU, but they still think there’s an alleged pedophile crime ring out there somewhere. Yeah just… let that sink in for a few moments. But of course, the party where people completely lack empathy put it on full display of the Ohio State case.





So apparently the guys who saw the thing that they saw are lying about the thing that they saw, at least that’s how Jim Jordan put it. And who’s standing by Rep. Jordan? Well you know the old saying – with friends like these, who needs enemies?





And then of course another person who somehow got elected – Louis Gohmert. Yes, he stood by the abuser witnesser:





There you have it. The GOP doesn’t care whether or not sexual crimes were committed, they will just do everything they can to silence the abused. That’ s Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan – another one of the:




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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? Ooh that was a good spin there! And it lands on… Community Chest!



Nice! Pay up, suckas! Spin it again! And it lands on… Donald Trump. So this last week Trump went to Montana to do some campaign stumping. Who was he there for? Ah, fuck it, it doesn’t matter who he was there for! All that matters is that the only man of the hour was Donald J. Trump, and he doesn’t give a flying fuck that there was someone there who might have been running a campaign. We don’t know.





Yeah I don’t think there’s any dental floss farms in this Montana. But really this is so fucked up what the Trump administration is doing in regards to immigrants. But that’s not the craziest thing that was said in Montana, and I think we might need an English – Trump translator here.





Uh… could you repeat the part where you said the stuff about the things, Mr. President? Wow. I mean he has the best words folks! And it gets worse. Oh so much worse. I mean this is Donald J. Trump we’re talking about here. I mean if it didn’t get worse at this point I would be disappointed.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Dude, abusers don’t get to mock the abused. That would be like Lucy pulling the football from Charlie Brown, then Lucy spits in his face and kicks him in the nuts. You know – just for good measure! But this might be the worst thing said at the rally – and this is after everything that’s already been said! I mean just once I want a headline – “Trump speaks in Montana, nothing bad happened.” Can we have that just once?






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[font size="8"] Top 10 Investigates: Backyard Nazis
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Spin it to win it! And it lands on… wait for it… What? Bankrupt? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!



Spin it again. And it’s time for: Top 10 Investigates. Hit it!

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



The Donald J. Trump presidential race of 2016 has brought to the forefront not only America’s seedy underbelly of hardcore racism, but has also paid attention to something that has become a global problem – hardcore racism. But now with the administration a full year and a half in power, the administration has made famous some extremely, well, let’s say not kosher people. In fact they might be running in your own back yard!





Yes, don’t be a stupid, be a smarty. Come and join the Nazi party! Yes, the horror of the Charlottesville should have been a wake up call of America’s growing racism problem. In fact hardcore white supremacy has been at the forefront of the Trump administration. But guess what party they chose to run on? Yup!





Apparently there’s nothing that the GOP can do to stop actual Nazis from running in their own party, so let’s take a look at some of the winners who are running. They might be running in YOUR OWN BACKYARD!!! Like this man from North Carolina.





And then there was this gentlemen (sic) from California, who was so extreme that the GOP had asked him to leave the party:





Or this guy who is an actual pedophile running in Virginia:





And finally there was this guy from Illinois, who we have previously profiled here. Yes, an actual Illinois Nazi. Where are Jake and Elwood when you need them?





There you have it. Nazis might actually be running for office in your own backyard. Do everything you can to stop them. Or history might repeat itself. That is it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… clip without context!



Woohoo!!! I hope it comes with a flaming electric guitar player like in Mad Max: Fury Road!



Spin it again! And it lands on… Holy Shit! Hit it!

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! I have returned from a journey! One that will test the mind and bend the spirit to our heavenly father’s will! For we were off last week and I decided to take a spiritual journey! To the great state of Kentucky! For there, they have a theme park that you might have heard of. Well it’s essentially a giant boat-shaped zoo. But they call it a “theme park” anyways. I’m of course talking about the theme park in Cincinnati known as the “Ark Encounter”!





So it’s essentially a theme park with no rides and classrooms! I mean because the last thing anyone wants to do when they travel to a theme park is to sit at a desk. It sounds like the worst theme park ever. I mean my fair congregation, why should they even call it a theme park? Doesn’t that sound like they are lying? In fact they might be!





Now… that is a good question there! But seriously though I have been trying to contemplate what exactly this thing is supposed to be. Is it a zoo? Is it a Christian… well, anything? I mean no one wants to go to a theme park with classrooms and desks do they? I mean that’s why you go to theme parks!





You know that is a good point. Nowhere in the Bible does it really explain what happened after the Great Flood! But it does say it in our Good Book! And I can point out the chapter and verse where it does, good sir! And by the way how great is our gospel choir? Let’s give it up for them! I guess hundreds of years of cleaning up dead animal and human corpses wouldn’t exactly be exciting reading material would it? But of course if you *DARE* question the attendance numbers of the Ark Encounter, guess what? It’s fake news!





There you have it folks! Questioning the poor attendance numbers of the almighty is questioning the Lord’s work! Mass has ended may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Explaining Jokes To Idiots: Alex Jones
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin it to win it! And it lands on… no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy…. Stop! Clip without context!



Of course, because with Alex everything is a false flag, right down to the reaction his bowel gave him after eating his dinner last night! Spin it again! And it lands on… Infowars! It’s now time for another edition of:



Alex, Alex, Alex. Really this is why conservatives just plain don’t have a sense of humor. You know this Wednesday was the fourth of July. You know the holiday where you fight traffic to go to your high school’s football stadium to watch a janky fireworks show, while your idiot neighbors practically blow their arms off igniting them at home, because, patriotism. But this July 4th was different – not in the sense that it’s our second year with Donald J Trump as president, but that Alex said this.





Uh huh. Sure. Right. Whatever you say, Alex. So here’s the thing – you know the first Civil War didn’t happen overnight. It took years and years and years of planning. With that in mind the internet took to trolling Alex extremely hard, and quite frankly, well deserved, over the fail.





Yeah Alex looks like the kind of guy who would enjoy a glass of champagne. Although even their champagne looks like water! But this isn’t the first time he’s cried about a Civil War that only exists in his head. And this is Austin, this is Infowars headquarters, their offices are right down the street! But really I was having a great time reading all the trolling going on on the 4th. No, I didn’t shoot any illegal fireworks, I value my limbs too much.





And by the way if you want an example of how *NOT* to troll, just look at Orrin Hatch!

https://twitter.com/senorrinhatch/status/1014220729993187328



Yeah that was a swing and a miss. Especially coming from a guy who has a long history of striking out!






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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Pizzagate
[br] [/font] [br]

Spin it! And it lands on… Food! Of course I’m in Austin, what better way of getting to know the city better than sampling the local flare? Which of course is barbecue, and we brought in some great local catering. Let’s check it out – I’ve got brisket, sausage, pulled pork, baked beans and potato salad. Wow, good shit!



Man you gotta love smoked meat. Not that kind of smoked meat, sir! Austin you guys are awesome! All right spin it again! And it lands on… Beating A Dead Horse!



You know conservatives, you really got to let this Pizzagate thing go! You already shot up Comet Ping Pong in Washington, DC trying to prove it, and you also got kicked out of the same restaurant videotaping children’s birthday parties in a creepy stalker manner. And you also got to accept that you don’t really care about children, especially if you advocate that they get separated from their parents at the border! The sooner you face your denial, the better! But nope, this bullshit continues to be a thing despite getting called a hoax time and time again. And for the purposes of comedy, all of our funny memes and clips will be replaced with images of pepperoni pizza. Because we care! And Trump loving conservatives apparently get off on that sort of thing.





Yeah sure, right. Keep talking guys – everything you say is worse than what came before it. And this wasn’t the only Pizzagate related story that’s been brought up lately.





OK for those you keeping score at home – actual sexual abuse, physical abuse, human trafficking, and child sex crimes committed by ICE, they’re perfectly fine with. But let’s keep investigating those fake child sex crimes that so far have not existed! And then there’s our favorite whack a doodle conspiracy theorist, Liz Cronkin. Who definitely isn’t helping!





You know it’s like playing a fucked up game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Except there’s just one degree and Kevin Bacon is a Satanic pedophile! Does that image of cheese pizza turn you on Liz? I had leftover cheese pizza for lunch yesterday, actual cheese pizza. It is not a metaphor, you sick fucking lunatics!! Or is it?






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin that shit! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! Clip without context!



You know Dave, you should never fall asleep watching reruns of True Blood. That will screw with your head. Spin it again! People Are Dumb! Hit it!



So of course by now you know that people are people and people are dumb. So who’s dumb this week I ask you? And I answer you: a whole lot of stupid fucking people, Austin! And hey give it up for our sound guy Bryan! So this week I want to start with this story out of where else but our favorite state of Florida! So apparently the reason Florida man gets arrested all the time is because apparently he *LOVES* getting arrested all the time!





I love that scene! Next up – apparently people aren’t just the only dumb species out there – animals are dumb too! Now let me explain – this happened in Australia, there were gay swans involved, and the “infant” they thought they were protecting wasn’t an infant at all!





SWAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Next up – one of our favorite sources of stupid people – Flat Earthers. Yes, the organization that literally welcomes people from *AROUND* the globe to discuss why the Earth is flat. I mean you can’t make this shit up!



That’s real. That happened. So why are they back in the news this week? Well for a rather bizarre theory! Because of course!





Just contemplate that one for a minute! Next up – OK we get that gas is fucking expensive these days but you also got to remember that this is America! No free handouts, damn it!





Yeah I can imagine it kind of went like that. Finally this week we go to Wisconsin – some might call it the Florida of the North, or others might say Florida’s cousin was visiting for the weekend. But one thing is for sure – ladies, if you travel, there’s one place where you probably shouldn’t hide anything!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 4: The White House Press Corps
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin the wheel one final time this week! And it lands on… T-shirt cannon!!! Of course for comedy purposes our t-shirt cannon has been upgraded to a t-shirt gattling gun!


Spin it again! And it’s time for Deep State Diaries!



It’s time for episode 4 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the 24 branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]White House Press Corps[/font]


The White House Press Corps is one of America’s oldest and most unique institutions. See, any time the president makes a major policy decision, or something happens in the news that involves the president, the White House Press Corps will be there to present the news to the people who present the news. So think of it as News-ception – it’s a newsroom within a newsroom within a newsroom. Where does it begin and where does it end? But the last year has been I don’t want to say different as much as run differently by the leader and woman whose curtains are most likely covered in cat hair, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Let’s delve into this institution and what they are up to.





To which I think it’s safe to say every week since this administration took over has been a new low for this country. So how low does it go?





So apparently the system is so broken that you can apply for a job at the WHCP by Craigslist. Because all legitimate things happen on Craigslist. Gee, I wonder who broke it? Well we can’t point fingers here or anything.





You know just once I want to see a conference where the news says “Trump gave a press conference today. Nothing of note happened.”. Is that too much to ask? Of course it is.





[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: B
How Things Are Going: F
Likely hood To Survive: C

Overall: C

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

Next week we’re going to take a look at how our meat is processed (no that’s not a metaphor you perverts!) and visit the USDA!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]The Interrupters[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a great punk / ska band from Los Angeles that just released a new album called “Fight The Good Fight”. You can see them on the Vans Warped Tour through August 4th. Playing their song “She’s Kerosene”, give it up for The Interrupters!




Austin, I love ya, you were amazing! I want to thank our gracious hosts at the Cap City Comedy Club for making this happen! We’ll be back soon! We’re off to New Orleans next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Cap City Comedy Club, Austin, Texas
Special Thanks To: Cap City Management
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
The Interrupters Appear Courtesy Of: Epitaph Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

July 4, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of: Civility Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of: Civility Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! The Top 10 is dark this week because of the July 4th holiday so in its’ place we’re going to be running this best of from some of the previous editions, because we have some great stuff, and conservatives are acting stupider and stupider by the day! So just like the previous Top 10 best ofs, we’re going to post verbatim the best of the best. I also have some exciting news too is that we’re going to take our show on the road and do some live editions starting with our July 11th edition when we’ll be hanging out at the Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas with the Wheel Of Corruption! And then we’ll be going to New Orleans, Kansas City, Chicago, New York City, and then back to Seattle and San Jose, and a stop at the LOL Comedy Fest in Santa Barbara, and then back home at the UCB Theater. But we will also be taking it out to Washington DC, Virginia, and we’ll have some southern dates in the future. If you want to know the tour schedule, here it is:

- Edition #5-4: July 11th: Cap City Comedy Club, Austin, TX (Wheel Of Corruption!)
- Edition #5-5: July 17th: Café Istanbul, New Orleans, LA
- Edition #5-6: July 25th: Alamo Drafthouse, Kansas City, KS
- Edition #5-7: August 1st: Helium Comedy Club, St. Louis, MO
- Edition #5-8: August 8th: Grammercy Theater, New York City, NY (Wheel Of Corruption!)
- August 15th: Dark (Vacation)
- Edition #5-9: August 22nd: Redford Theater, Detroit, MI
- Edition #5-10: August 29th: Acme Comedy Club, Minneapolis, MN
- Edition #5-11: September 5th: Comedy Underground, Seattle, WA (Wheel Of Corruption!)
- Edition #5-12: September 12th: San Jose Improv, San Jose, CA
- Edition #5-13: September 19th: Levity Live, Oxnard, CA
- Edition #5-14: September 25th: UCB Theater, Hollywood
- Edition #5-15: October 3rd: UCB Theater, Hollywood (Wheel Of Corruption!)
- Edition #5-16: October 10th : UCB Theater, Hollywood
- Edition #5-17: October 17th: Laugh Boston, Boston, MA
- Edition #5-18: October 25th: Punch Line Philly, Philadelphia, PA
- Edition #5-19: October 31st: Zanies Comedy Club, Nashville, TN (Wheel Of Corruption - Halloween special!)
- Edition #5-20: November 7th: Orlando Improv, Orlando, FL
- Edition #5-21: November 14th: Comedy Works, Denver, CO
- Edition #5-22: November 21st: American Comedy Club, San Diego, CA (Wheel Of Corruption!)
- November 28th: Dark (Thanksgiving)
- Edition #5-23: December 5th: UCB Theater, Hollywood
- Edition #5-24: December 12th: 99 Club Leicester Square, London, UK
- Edition #5-25: December 19th: UCB Theater, Hollywood (Season finale, Year In Review Special)

Don’t worry east coast and south – we will get to you soon! So enjoy this best of for July 4th as we put together the best of the best, or maybe the worst of the worst, of the Idiots lists for the past several editions. OK enough of the intro, we got a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he delves into the unexplored world of eugenics and gene splicing. I mean they must have seen Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, am I right?



So where do we begin for the Civility Edition? In the first slot from Idiots #4-18 we are going to talk about how we came this close to getting raptured when Donald Trump (1) opened the new US embassy in Jerusalem to fiery, grisly deaths. In the second slot, from Idiots #4-19, in the “too soon” column, after yet another terrifying mass shooting in Santa Fe, Texas, we’re going to tell you about the jaw dropping, stunningly stupid solutions coming from Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick (2) about how to end mass shootings once and for all. In the third slot, from Idiots #4-14, Trump’s got the worst attorneys when it is revealed that Michael Cohen (3) squealed that his mystery 3rd client is none other than Fox News giant Sean Hannity. In the fourth slot from Idiots #4- 15, the guy who we call president, Donald J. Trump (4) attempted to combine his two favorite hobbies – golf and angry toilet tweeting – while Melania was at Barbara Bush’s funeral. In the fifth slot is our weekly investigative piece “Top 10 Investigates” and from Idiots #4-16, we’re going to investigate an insanely terrifying cult called “NXIVM” (5) made famous by Smallville actress Allison Mack. At number 6, from Idiots 4-17, is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week our resident pastor is going to take a look at all of the wacky survival products being offered by Jim Bakker. At number 7, from Idiots #5-1, is “Beating A Dead Horse” and this time we’re going to talk about how conservatives are getting banned from their favorite social media sites for being conservative, or are they? At number 8, from Idiots #4-19. Alex Jones (8) is planning to take Infowars 24/7. You think he’s mad on a 4 hour a day cycle? Wait until you see him on a 24 hour a day cycle! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot from Idiots #4-16 is an installment of “People Are Dumb” which includes a preacher picking the wrong place to preach in public, a guy channeling his inner Walter White, and a visit from Florida Man! And we end this best of with a revisit to our Stupidest State contest from Idiots #4-9 when we brought out our Selection Sunday complete with all the teams, stats, odds and info you need to fill out your bracket! And we’ll end with the time we recently had Imagine Dragons on the show. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

From: Idiots # 4-18

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Hey everyone guess what? We’re all gonna get raptured! Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Woooooooooooooo! Woooo! Woo. Ok maybe it’s not at all as exciting as it’s made out to be since a whole lot of us are probably gonna die in a nuclear holocaust, and relatively soon. At least the doomsday preppers can say “I told you so!”. Followed by a very childish “neener neener!”. So for the sake of this piece, let’s call it “Left Behind: The Real Life Interactive Version”. Or to use something that might be more popular with the kids these days: “Left Behind: Infinity War”. Yes I’m crossing two franchises here – one has a really bizarre doomsday scenario in which half of the population gets snapped up by a crazy wannnabe god bent on controlling the universe, and the other one has Iron Man.



See you next week! What? We still have the full hour left? And Post Malone is backstage? OK. I definitely wouldn’t want to leave Post Malone hanging. So how are we going to get left behind this week?





It’s good to know that today’s lunatic fringe Christians plan to create a literal version of hell on earth! I will take that one, thank you! So this weekend – the week after the Kentucky Derby – Trump managed to create a trifecta of pissing off three countries at once! And those countries are Isreal, Syria, and Palestine – countries whose bad side you do not want to get on! So how did Palestine mark this momentous occasion?





So of course while patting himself on the back for a job well done of pissing off half the world while pleasing his “base”, Donald Trump seems to forget that he’s going to get a whole lot of people killed in the process. There goes that Nobel Peace Prize!




You know it’s a policy here not to joke about tragedy. But when the guy who you currently call “president” is a walking tragedy and everything he touches turns to shit, exceptions have to be made, damn it! It’s good to know Trump has some company in high places because when the rapture does happen, he’s going to need to seek shelter fast!





And those men are currently running the show! And when this gets written up 50 years after nuclear Armageddon happens, assuming there’s something left of humanity, historians are not going to be surprised how we get to this point. I mean with friends like these, who needs enemies?





So the answer to world peace is… more war? How does that… oh fuck, it’s the Trump administration we’re talking about here! Attempting to question their logic could make one’s head explode! But it’s good to know those who fantasize about the apocalypse might actually get a chance to see it played out in real life. They do know Left Behind is fiction, right?






From: Idiots #4-19

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[font size="8"]Dan Patrick
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One guy who clearly isn’t helping is the Lieutenant Governor of Texas, Dan Patrick. So Houston is his district, and he offered some of the most asinine suggestions on what we can do to end this madness once and for all. No, he didn’t propose firearm control. No, he didn’t propose that any kind of restrictions on firearm sales or anything that might you know, save lives. What he did propose was one of the most asinine suggestions yet.





Too many exits? Here’s the thing – Dan, you know what also devalues life? Guns. Thank you! And it’s bad enough that the NRA has made us sitting ducks, let’s arm teachers, close off all the exits, and appoint wannabe Rambos as hall monitors! What a great idea! Doing something creative might be, I don’t know, actually doing your job and protecting the people who elected you! Thank you! And that wasn’t all – Dan actually made things worse by blaming everything but the gun!





And we’re still not done yet! Guess what NRA approved talking point surfaced last week courtesy of Mr. Patrick? Yup you guessed it! Let’s arm teachers! And we wonder why the rest of the world is laughing at us!





So it’s bad enough that bullets are coming from one direction, let’s arm the teachers and have armed hall monitors patrolling the hallways of our schools. Remember when Bush famously asked the question “Is our children learning”? Uh no they are getting shot at. And our elected officials – especially in Texas – aren’t helping things. If you think what Dan Patrick is proposing is certifiably insane, wait until you see what his boss is suggesting! Think the TSA but worse!






From: Idiots #4-14

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[font size="8"]Michael Cohen
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When your attorney is a crook, how are you going to get out of this mess? I mean you know your situation is fucked when your attorneys have their own attorneys. Last week I called this phenomenon “attorney-ception”. It’s a trial within a trial within a trial. Well this week the concept of that was taken to insane new levels.





Seriously! Now Trump’s lawyers are appearing with Trump’s porn stars! I mean is there anyone who they aren’t in bed with? Both literally and figuratively? Oh but here’s my favorite part – he’s complaining about privacy! Cue the world’s tiniest violin!





Dude, seriously, Mr. Cohen, you work for the Donald Trump administration. Your privacy rights went bye bye when you signed up! But this week Cohen named 2 of his 3 ultra-prestigious clients – Donald J. Trump and GOP fundraiser Elliot Brody. Can anyone guess who the third is? Anyone? Well here’s who is behind door #3!





Come on, even Larry David is playing you off, Sean! And yeah sure you can define “representation” all you want because that’s what the GOP does – they just make shit up as they go along! But hey I’m at least surprised that you found a real estate attorney who’s willing to give you advice for $10. That’s a bargain!






From: Idiots #4-15

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Since Trump is only taking up one entry this week we have to squeeze as much out of it as we can but before we get into the meat of this entry I have to bring up one story that caught our attention over the weekend. Remember a couple of weeks ago when Trump called Jeff Sessions “Mr. Magoo” at a closed door meeting? Well, just like Alex Jones, it turns out that he didn’t say that thing that everyone knows that he said.



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Fake news! You know what sir? Don’t give my regards to Mr. Magoo! Now let’s get into what I originally wanted to talk about - past presidents – let’s talk about them! Remember when we used to have a respectable leader that we could get behind? Yeah I miss those times. Even the republicans used to elect presidents who at one point or another, were respectable. But in 2016 all of those rules got thrown out the window. So you might be wondering where I’m going with this – take a look at our current president. He’s not even welcome at state funerals!





Yes – stay classy, Trump! So we went from a president who actually attends state funerals to one who live tweets them! Talk about a huge drop off in quality. So what did Trump do when Melania was at Barbara Bush’s funeral? Only his favorite hobby. Which he’s not very good at.





But then Trump followed that up with his second favorite hobby – which he is good at – live tweeting! I mean come on, you got to admit he is good at that. Only Donald J. Trump can topple whole governments with a single tweet, like a really fucked up Superman!





Oh come on Joe! You’re just now realizing how bad Trump’s tweets are? There are lists out there compiling everything he’s insulted since he joined in 2009. And Trump insults your show while insulting whatever they talked about on Fox News! His insults are like fine wines – you have to let them ferment to get the most enjoyment out of them. But yeah even at Trump’s funeral, he was still outclassed by the last guy!






From: Idiots #4-16
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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Cults Of Personality
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates:



Cults. They are generally a faux pas not talked about in normal society except when they surface in the news. The last time a cult made the news? 2001 – Heaven’s Gate, and before that 1992 – the Branch Davidians led by David Koresh. None of these however hold a candle to the NXIVM cult that was recently thrust into the spotlight by Smallville actress Allison Mack.




Yes that is certainly true. And the allegations are definitely far more serious and damning than you would think possible. The NXIVM cult makes the previous cults we mentioned look almost cartoonish by comparison. It’s far worse than you would think. So how does a cult like this get sold?





So the cult got sold as a “female empowerment program” and a “self help” program. And just like most cults, they broke down the people who signed up for it and got tricked by their charismatic leader. Which is pretty common among all cults.





This cult however, will most likely need defensive attorneys because they most likely can’t afford the other kind. These are very serious crimes and Ms. Mack and Mr. Raniere are probably going to be going away for a very long time. We could go into this subject all day – but NXIVM had branches all over the country.





So they would recruit nearly the same way with the promise of a free “get acquainted” weekend. They even had their own school:





So that is an insight into how one of the world’s most notoriouis sex cults was able to operate. This has been Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




From: Idiots #4-17

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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Spin that shit! No whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! Clip without context!



To give you credit, Jim, I think you underestimated there a bit. Spin it again! Holy shit!

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters, it is time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it is our weekly duty to remind you that the holiest among us are always the most full of:



You know my fair brothers and sisters, we usually cover a wide variety of topics in our weekly sermon from a wide variety of followers of the LAWRD! But this week we are going to focus on one, and one in particular. I’m talking about a guy who is so batshit crazy that he has his own special section on Right Wing Watch. He has a wide variety of end times products for us to sell! Yes everything from barely edible emergency survival food to a whole fucking village. Literally! I’m of course talking about Brother Jim Bakker. Brother Jim is in a world of hurt right now because he’s selling shit and nobody is buying it!





So Brother Jim is constructing his own village, because as you know – you all know, that in our good book, it says that “it takes a village to save mankind from impending doom”. That is a prophecy from the good LAWRD, creator of all things holy. Can I get an amen? And in terms of his village, apparently science is the reason why you should live in his village!







Yes indeed it is science! That’s not the only shit that Brother Jim is selling. But instead - Jim is also hawking emergency survival kits.





But here is how Brother Jim is selling this – and I think even the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want this because he is the creator of all that is good and holy! But not buying his shit will apparently cause cannibalism!





See here’s where you don’t give a crackpot a microphone and a license to sell crap that nobody wants – he will use it for evil instead of good. Because Brother Jim sells emergency kits and then, THEN claims that he can see into the future and that it will be a bleak one! Gee, I wonder why? Maybe Jim can tell me the plot of Avengers 4 at least?





Now because all good food comes in bucket form – we here at the Holy Church Of The Top 10 have actually acquired some food of theirs to taste. And we recommend that you do not try this at home! Can we show the flyer first?



Now we here have a wide variety of stuff that comes in that magical bucket! I mean look at that – you have pizza, you have fried chicken, mac & cheese, coleslaw – it’s essentially KFC for those that believe in the doomsday apocalypse! Let’s try some. Mmmmmmmmmmm…. Yeah!





You know what? Excuse me a minute! So there we have it, we have dedicated this week to exposing the end times crap that Brother Jim hath been hawking! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




From: Idiots #5-2

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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Conservatives Vs Social Media
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It’s time for another edition of:



There’s nothing a conservative loves more than some good ol’ fashioned trash talking. In fact they have made it a part of their lifestyle and that’s how they win elections. They talk so much shit about people they could easily fill two landfills, a raw sewage treatment facility, and a fleet of manure trucks. Which is why they can’t stand it when people start fighting back against their bullshit. In the social media cold war that’s been going on since about 2009, conservatives have been completely paranoid about the way their bullshit is getting treated on social media sites. And guess what? It ain’t good, fellas! You can talk all the crap you want in private, but when you take that shit public, you’d better be prepared for getting as much as you can dish out. Just ask Mark Zuckerberg.





Nah. See here’s the thing conservatives – you’re not getting censored because you’re a conservative posting on a social media site. You’re getting censored because you’re hateful dicks! But the accusations don’t stop there! Because once again they love some trash talking!





Exactly. See here’s the thing – it’s not them! It’s you! You know when you sign up on these services, they have this thing called a “terms of service” agreement that you probably didn’t read. If you did read it, most of them have a rule that says “don’t be hateful”. See every time you post on David Hogg’s feed about how he’s helping the NRA sell more guns, or telling mass shooting victims to go eat Tide Pods, or how Hillary Clinton sold out the children of Haiti and then gave money to her foundation, post every bullshit conspiracy theory like Seth Rich and Pizzagate, retweet nonsense from QANON about “the Storm”, or post poorly photoshopped pictures of Hillary pooping her pants, or every time you call us idiots, or libtards, or say liberalism is a mental disorder, and you wonder why your account gets banned, you might want to examine your own life. You can make all these claims about how you’re being censored, about how there’s a bias, but really, you’re just hateful dicks! You know, kind of like when your ex breaks up with you and says “it’s not you, it’s me”, she really means it’s you. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Such is the case here.





Hey McCarthy – did you miss the key word there? Hate? Yeah that’s where you might want to take a look at your own party and some of the things they post on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. See, hate has a conservative bias to it! Always has and always will. You know you always tell us to let go of shit, but why don’t you? You know while you’re busy figuring out new ways to troll us, we’re busy doing that thing called winning elections! People have had enough of your hateful ways. Even Donald Trump Jr has chimed in on the paranoia, but really stop beating around the bush – you’re hateful dicks. Either own the hate, or stop the abuse. Your choice.






From: Idiots #4-16


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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Let’s hit it!



Of course you know that by now people are people and people are dumb. So who is dumb this week? Why there are a lot of people out there, sir! First off, you know that old adage about yelling “fire” in a crowded theater. And you especially don’t do that in a sold out movie theater showing Avengers: Infinity War, one of the biggest blockbusters of all time. Well, there was a preacher out of Redlands, California, who did just that.



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It was kind of like that. Well to give the guy credit, at least he got his message out! Next up this is a perfect example of life imitating art. Remember that Breaking Bad episode where a Los Pollos Hermanos truck got hijacked ? Well this isn’t anything that crazy, but we’re not surprised.





Next up – Legos! And if you’re being investigated by police for selling stolen goods, maybe you don’t sell stolen goods to undercover police. Get how that works? Well, this guy in Portland certainly didn’t.





Ha ha, Lego Batman was a great movie. Next up in People Are Dumb – Youtube! Yes, Youtube has brought out a ton of crazy people. And what happens when a guy comes in and pretends to be the CEO of a legendary burger chain? Well this is beyond stupid.



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Man why did you have to waste the cheeseburger? Dude should be arrested. I mean what did the cheeseburger ever do to you? Next up – you know it’s been a while since we heard from our good friend Florida Man but not a week goes by where he’s not up to his usual tricks! In a scene straight out of the movie Super Troopers, there’s this!





Finally for People Are Dumb this week – campaign ads! Yes, even our elected officials or people running to be elected officials aren’t immune from stupidity. You know in this day and age when people are actually fighting against the gun lobby and the NRA, maybe you don’t lead with an ad that praises a “healthy admiration for the 2nd amendment”. Let’s show the ad first.



Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Something tells me I wouldn’t want to date this guys’ daughters – he seems like the “Dads Against Daughters Dating” type. Remember those assholes?





That’s it this week for:




From: Idiots #4-9

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[font size="8"]Stupidest State Contest: Selection Sunday
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16 states will enter, but only one will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Ladies and gentlemen it’s time to commence the 2nd annual Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State Contest! And we have a lot of newcomers and old favorites this time around. And we’re going to change up the format a bit to please our overlords in the National For Fuck’s Sake Association. As you all know the winner will get the coveted DeLay trophy – named after former Texas coach Tom DeLay who took the team to an unprecedented 6 titles during the George Bush years:



[font size="6"]Statement From The Commissioner [/font]

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! As the commissioner of the NFFSA, it is my honor and privilege to be the host of this year’s Stupidest State tournament! Let the games commence! All four conferences are here and ready to tangle. We have all four corners of conservatism represented – god, guns, greed, and overall batshit insanity! So this time around we’re going to do things a bit differently. Since our season ends on May 23rd, we need to speed things up a bit from last time. The league, as usual is split into two factions – the Layover League and the Flyover League. And each league will crown its’ champion before they face off in the final round. The rules before state that each conference will get four teams, which will be ranked #1 - #4. And just like how March Madness kicks off every year with a “Selection Sunday”, this year we shall kick things off with the same! The tournament will start on Wednesday, March 21st – which is around the same time March Madness starts. The rules this time around – the first round will feature two matches, while the second round will consist of one match each. Both rounds of the Final Four will take place in the same week, and then the championship. Since we do encourage gambling here, we will be providing you with betting odds this time around! And here we go!



[font size="6"]The Batshit Conference [/font]



Since 1890, the Batshit Conference is the largest conference in the NFFSA and it consists of 16 teams producing the finest guano that the country has to offer. They are the craziest of the crazy. The cream of the crop. The states that elect the worst politicians imaginable, who cook up the craziest laws known to man. The Batshit Conference caters to excellence in crazy lawmaking, and residents as equally crazy as the people who they elect. Places ruled by rural communities where there’s nothing to do but hardcore drugs, and with hardcore drugs comes hardcore craziness!

1. Iowa – the state that defined “Flyover country”. Iowa just barely missed the tournament last year due to some injuries. But this year they recruited lots of hot young talent and they are poised to go very far. Some say they could win the whole thing. Their policies have been called some of the country’s worst. The elected an actual racist and America’s worst Congressman – Steve King. They are also the home of Charles Grassley. They continually favor big business over the worker. They continue to fight for big farms over the smaller ones. They continually suppress education. Will they win? We shall see!
Betting Prediction: Iowa didn’t win that number one seed for nothing – they had the best record in the whole league during the regular season - they will be shocking and surprising you with how good their team is! 2:1.

2. Kentucky – The Bluegrass State is one of the hottest teams in the league. The state that was the first that voted for @realDonladTrump, also gave us Mitch McConnell, Rand Paul, Matt Bevin, and NFFSA Rookie Of The Year Kim Davis has shown absolutely no signs of slowing down when it comes to flinging some fresh batshit. They got a massive upgrade this year and they take the number 2 seed in the Batshit Conference. When you combine out of control college freshmen, some of the most insane politicians, and hardcore religious insanity, you get one of the best programs in the Batshit tournament, and they had the second best record during the regular season.
Betting Prediction: Kentucky can go head to head against any team they face, and they were ridiculously strong last year. They handily beat Pennsylvania for a seat in the tournament. They are looking to go far. 5:1.

3. Virginia – Another newcomer to the tournament. The Commonwealth State - adjacent to our nation’s capital has been a hot bed of white supremacy, redneck policies, and gun nut culture – creating a toxic mix that is sure to please longtime fans and newcomers to the Batshit Conference. Another first timer who if they can keep healthy, will promise to go very far in this tournament.
Betting Prediction: They have the drive and ambition to go very far but injuries plagued them during the regular season. 20:1.

4. Texas – Last year’s champion promises to repeat this year. They are tanned, rested, ready, and looking to do some damage as they climb their way to the top while producing some fresh guano not seen since the early days of the tournament. While a shell of their former selves as they produced that string of greatness during the Bush years, Texas squeezed out a win last year and they’re looking to repeat. Their coach has stated that they will be healthy, which can either be a good thing or a bad thing.
Betting Prediction: Texas isn’t the odds on favorite it was last year. If they do win the conference and advance to the Final Four, it’s going to be a very long uphill battle for them. 10:1.

[font size="6"]The Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference [/font]



Excessive greed here is the name of the game in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference. This is the second largest conference in the NFFSA consisting of 13 states. While the rule of the game here is “never underestimate the other guy’s greed”, these guys are doing just that! Six houses? Why not? The other guy has 8! 40 cars? The other guy has 50! You have a 500 foot yacht? The other guy has a 600 foot yacht! You have a Rembrandt? The other guy has a Picasso! And you never mix the two, that’s just bad feng shui. Since 1952, nearly all of the teams here are sponsored by Koch Industries. And coincidentally nearly all of them subscribe to Fox Business Channel where they always take the CEO’s side. While you’re watching your bank account grow by peanuts, these guys have taken the whole damn peanut farm! They’re Scrooge McDuck, Ritchie Rich, Carter Pewterschmitt, and Mr. Burns rolled into one.

1. Kansas – The reigning king of Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference is the home to one of the country’s worst governors – Sam Brownback. It’s also home to some of the country’s worst education policies and the home of the Westboro Baptist Church. It’s also a Flyover League favorite. They’re the home of Koch Industries and the Heritage Foundation – who some might be calling “economic terrorists”. Who needs Al Qaeda when these guys can do more damage?
Betting prediction: Kansas looks poised to repeat as conference champions, but it could actually be a toss up this year since the competition in this league is one of the most competitive. 10:1.

2. West Virginia – Coal mining country is always a hotbed for conservative insanity. Especially in an era where anti-environment coal industry CEOs are touting “clean coal” as if it’s a thing that it exists. It doesn’t. As this has been evidenced by the batshit crazy CEOs who run America’s coal mining operations and their never ending love for anti-worker conservative policies. And this is the first time they have appeared in this tournament – they recruited a lot of hot young talent, and they promise that they will go all the way!
Betting Prediction: Strong favorite to finish far, could be a huge upset if they knock off a favorite to win the first round. 5:1.

3. Wisconsin – Wisconsin is getting a huge upgrade this year. Yes, the home of New Glarus Brewing, the Green Bay Packers, and governor Scott Walker - the state that gave us House Speaker and Bro Magazine’s Bro Of The Year Paul Ryan is poised to have nearly all of its’ seats up for grabs in this year’s tournament which means that it literally could be anyone’s game and we will see the greed and big money fly during this election year of ours. They can go very far in this tournament.
Betting Prediction: Wisconsin bowed out in the first round last year and that made them angry to the point where they completely overhauled their team. 2:1.

4. Nevada – Nevada just barely missed the tournament due to injuries last year but this year they are coming back strong. And come on, how can you have a discussion on greed without having a discussion on gambling? Because the two often go hand in hand. And our president is also associated with the gambling industry. Can the gaming industry go far in this tournament? Only time will tell. The odds have them pegged as the biggest underdogs in this tournament, and we all love a good underdog story!
Betting Prediction: This is a strong conference, and the gambling industry is about as corrupt as you can expect, and they spent like ballers during the off season last year. 10:1.

[font size="6"]The Family Values Conference [/font]



What do you get when you mix toxic religious values with anti-progressive family legislation? You get the Family Values Conference! The Family Values Conference is the smallest conference in the league consisting of 9 (NEIN!!) teams, but they have the richest history. Family values hypocrisy is something that’s as old as the United States itself. While you’re on your 5th divorce and wondering which of your ex wives gets your alimony check this week, that poor gay or lesbian couple who lives next door is only wondering what life would be like when they get married, while transgendered people are denied bathroom privileges. Meanwhile corrupt pastors get away with the kinkiest sex imaginable and soliciting prostitutes.The Family Values Conference: Priding themselves on religious hypocrisy since 1789!

1. Indiana – This is Indiana’s first return to the tournament in many years. Last time they got trounced by Alabama who went on to win their first title. And Indiana is back and they’re looking for revenge. The Hoosier State is responsible for one of the single dumbest controversies in the country – gay wedding cakes, and with that controversy reaching SCOTUS, expect the insanity to fly like a triple double!
Betting Prediction: Indiana is a hot young team and they’ve recruited a lot of young talent, and they have a very talented staff. Expect them to go far. 2:1.

2. Alabama – Last year’s conference champion and the reigning king of the Family Values Conference suffered a bit of a setback and almost didn’t make the tournament this year but they are rested and they are ready. Of course we saw a lot of Alabama last year with the insanity surrounding Roy Moore’s campaign which saw him defeated by Doug Jones. But they also have another evil that they refuse to let go of – gay conversion therapy!
Betting prediction: Last year’s insane campaign of Roy Moore left them exhausted and they just barely made the tournament. If they do get out of the first round it will be interesting to watch. 20:1.

3. Utah – The Mormons are making their first ever appearance in our Stupidest State tournament, and they have the guts to go very far. It’s one of the hardest states to get liquor in but is the home of some of the best skiing in the country. Of course it’s outer beauty hides its’ inner ugly – the Mormon church is the dominant religion in the state and has produced some of the country’s most insane family values laws.
Betting Prediction: Utah’s first time in the tournament means that they will be fighting for supremacy in this division but if they can make it they will be Final Four contenders! 10:1.

4. Ohio – Ohio has been a family values underdog for years. They just barely edged out Arkansas for the first time in the tournament. Sure, they have the progressive cities of Cleveland, Akron, and Cincinatti. But the Buckeye State is ruled by rural farming communities, and they too are ruled by religion, which has given us some of the most batshit policies and SCOTUS cases in history. Ohio could go far in the tournament but this conference is really anyone’s game.
Betting Prediction: While traditionally a blue state, Ohio’s red state values have shocked and surprised people. They could do some serious damage here. 5:1.

[font size="6"]The Gun Nut Conference [/font]



Shoot first and ask questions later. That’s the name of the game in this conference. It’s also the most effective means of communication in these states.It’s the conference where you too can take your AK-47 out on a dinner date to Chipotle, and nobody will seem to care. In fact they too might have their own AK. It’s the conference where the only thing that matters is your precious firearm. Hardcore racism and extreme gun nuttery usually go hand in hand in this conference. We’re not saying all gun nuts are hardcore racists, but all hardcore racists are gun nuts. It’s the conference where debating between concealed carry and open carry can be considered a contact sport. And you can ask your fellow gun lovers “Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?”. And getting shot means it’s usually God’s will.

1. Florida – Florida earns the number 1 seed in this conference. You might be asking “wait – wasn’t Florida a member of the Batshit Conference?”. Well I answer you – yes – but Florida was tired of losing and it has some of this country’s worst gun laws. It was also home to the Parkland School Shooting, and a legislature that almost literally threw these kids under the bus. They have the potential to make the final four this year.
Betting Prediction: After Florida Man’s humiliating stunt cost them the tournament last year, they’re angry and looking for redemption. But a repeat of last year wouldn’t be out of the question. 10:1.

2. Louisiana – The Bayou State is one of the worst states to live in if you don’t want to be associated with gun nuts. It’s the home of New Orleans, and if the creepy mascots of their NBA team the New Orleans Pelicans are any indication of what kind of people they elect, keep in mind that this is the state that gave us Bobby Jindal. They have the wit and gun nut insanity to outlast the tournament.
Betting Prediction: Another tournament first timer, Loosiana has recruited a lot of hot young talent and their gun laws are often referred to as the country’s worst. Expect them to go far. 5:1

3. Montana – Last year’s #1 seat and Flyover League champion Montana is poised to make a huge splash in this year’s tournament. They went from underdogs to juggernauts in the league with a toxic mix of wannabe cowboys, white supremacist militia hate groups, and doomsday preppers. As we learned last year – Montana has the nation’s highest concentration of racist hate groups (after all, they are the home of Richard Spencer) as well as the highest concentration of gun manufacturers. And yes, Frank Zappa might be moving to Montana to start a dental floss farm, but if you live in fear of getting shot, this state might not be the state for you.
Betting Prediction: Montana’s strong finish as league champions last year left them exhausted, but they could see a return to the top if healthy enough. 5:1.

4. Arizona – Last year’s conference champion got an extra upgrade when they kicked Sheriff Joe to the curb. But now he’s back and running for Senate! Yes, these guys never seem to go away but with the news of one of the worst sheriffs in the country and a guy who will look the other way if you take your AK on a dinner date is running for senate, expect that the batshit and the bullets will fly as they work their way up to a comeback as conference champions!
Betting Prediction: Arizona lost in a shoot out to Montana last year, but they went back to the drawing board and got a lot of hot young talent. Expect them to go far. 2:1.

[font size="6"]The Bracket [/font]

Here’s the bracket:



And here’s the schedule.



[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

For the first round of the tournament – it’s a battle for the batshit as #1 Iowa takes on #2 Kentucky, while in the Flyover League, it’s a duel to the death as #3 Montana takes on #4 Arizona in a rematch of last year’s conference championship.




[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Imagine Dragons[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, returning to the show is our good friends of the program and a huge ally to the LGBT community. They have a new documentary on HBO called “Believer” and you can see them on tour everywhere this July and August. Now playing that song Believer, give it up for Imagine Dragons!





See you next week!

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