July 9, 2020

Let Us Venerate Our Enemies (It's the Right Thing to Do)

Let’s imagine there’s a fictitious country on our border, the government of which is committing unspeakable atrocities against its own people. And let us further imagine there is a steady stream of refugees attempting to cross over our border and into our country, so as to escape the horrors that await them, should they be unsuccessful in seeking asylum from our government. Is it not likely that the decent and fair-minded citizens of this country would demand that their leaders at least make a good-faith effort to rectify the situation in this living hell on our border? And is it so hard to imagine that our government under such circumstances might feel compelled by public outrage to plan a punitive expedition to liberate our neighbors and restore good government to their long suffering people? Of course not! We have seen all this played out, ad nauseam, throughout our nation’s history.

So now we’ve reached the point in our hypothetical narrative where our president orders the military to draw up plans to invade this outlaw nation, and put a halt to its depredations. Such plans are duly and carefully laid out by the generals, with an eye toward pursuing a blitz campaign designed to “shock and awe” our enemy into suing for peace at the earliest opportunity. So far, so good.

(Shoot, shoot, shoot, stab, stab, stab, kill, kill, kill, die, die, die, repeat;
Shoot, shoot, shoot, stab, stab, stab, kill, kill, kill, die, die, die, repeat;
Shoot, stab, kill, die; shoot, stab, kill, die; shoot, stab, kill, die)

It is now four years later, and at last our enemy has admitted defeat. The remnants of our exhausted, bedraggled, and mostly shoeless army occupy the key strategic points in the smoldering ruins of what was once the most dynamic and profitable agricultural juggernaut the world had ever seen. We have successfully freed nearly four million formerly beaten, maimed, and tortured human beings. To accomplish all this has cost the lives of 100,000 of our fellow citizens.

So what now? Where do we go from here? The answer to this is (or should be) painfully obvious, is it not? We must immediately set about casting bronze statues honoring the most bloodthirsty and ravenous of our enemy’s military leaders, in commemoration of the relentless and wanton slaughter of our brave young soldiers. It just seems like the right thing to do, don’t you agree?

Huzzah!

“For they are jolly good fellows; for they are jolly good fellows;
“For they are jolly good fellows; and so say all of us!”

[Mark W. Bradley is a retired history teacher who lives in Northern California. He has been an antiwar activist since the 1960’s, writing and marching against every American military adventure from Vietnam to the Iraq War. His satirical articles have appeared in numerous online publications throughout the United States, as well as in New Zealand, the UK, and the Netherlands.

July 8, 2020

The Man in the Invisible Mask

or

A Democratic Socialist Urges Trumpsters to “Follow the Leader”

Politics, in its most elemental form, is primarily a game of numbers. Let’s say I am running for office, and I manage to garner more votes than my opponent. Result? I win. Similarly, if I manage to prevent my opponent from getting as many voters to the polls as I do, I also win. These conclusions are (or should be) self-evident.

What might not be so self-evident, however, is why an atheistic democratic socialist such as myself would come out and boldly advocate for so many of President Trump’s strongly held positions regarding the Coronavirus pandemic.

Allow me to explain in detail why this is.

President Trump firmly believes, of course, that Fox News is the only television news source that can be trusted, while deeming all other broadcast or cable news networks “fake news.”
I wholeheartedly agree with that assessment. Under no circumstances should Trump supporters view, listen to, or otherwise be exposed to “fake news.” It would only baffle, upset, and otherwise disorient them. And as we all know, there’s no point in wasted thinking.

Mr. Trump has also put forward many novel ideas as to how America should cope with COVID-19 and its many complications. As perhaps the nation’s foremost intuitive freelance physician, the president is uniquely positioned to not only “think outside the box”, but also, on occasion, “color inside the lines.” In short, every single day, President Trump proves to the world that he is truly blessed with both “a good brain” and “all the best words.

My advice to the majority of Republican voters on this score? Do what President Trump would do, and lean in with your gut on this one (especially if your gut is strongly fortified with a shot of hydroxychloroquine, mixed with a splash of industrial strength disinfectant, and sprinkled with microscopic LED Christmas lights for intravenous illumination). As the president himself once famously asked, “What the hell do you have to lose?” My sentiments exactly!

And by the way, what’s with all the masks? Are they REALLY necessary?
Well, yes and no (your choice). But either way, no one ever said masks have to look unfashionably dull and unattractive. Designer Ivanka Trump has just introduced a newly patented, extra-lightweight, nearly transparent mask specially designed for the discerning power player who wants to look strong (and strongly) on every occasion. And if you look closely at the president during any of his recent factory visits and cabinet meetings, you must inevitably conclude that he is, in fact, wearing a mask.

In that same vein [or should I say “vain”?], Ivanka has strongly hinted that an entire new line of men’s apparel made from the exotic fabric will soon be available in sizes ranging from “Porcine Svelte” to “Morbidly Husky.”

Now one might expect an atheist like me to call for the banning of all evangelical religious gatherings in crowded churches throughout the nation, at least until a COVID-19 vaccine is widely available. Au contraire! In order to renew their faith (and not fall into wicked, godless heathenism), it is absolutely essential that Christians of every stripe find fellowship with one another, whether packed shoulder to shoulder into Vatican Square for a Papal Blessing, or sandwiched, cheek-by-jowl, into a behemoth mega-church so crowded the Holy Spirit can’t get in!

A lifelong observant Episcopalian, Donald Trump was a young man when he first encountered the Reverend Norman Vincent Peale. Almost overnight, Peale’s “The Power of Positive Thinking” became Trump’s bible, which set him on a path apart from the rest of his fellow parishioners, for whom their bible was, well, the Bible. Always a “leap of faith” ahead of the rest of us is the Donald!

Bottom line?The President has strongly made his opinion known on the subject of opening and filling to capacity our nation’s houses of worship, regardless of phony fire marshal or deep state doctor’s “recommendations”. On this point I am, once again, squarely in his corner.

Which brings me, finally, to the subject of political rallies. Let’s face it, the president is the nonpareil reigning champion of soaring political rhetorical (not to mention hilariously irreverent impressions of skanks, fatsos, and cripples). And while I don’t always agree with what he has to say in this particular arena, I will defend to the death (not mine, of course) his right to say it. The fact is, no one can deny that Mr. Trump strongly has the powerful ability to strongly connect on a visceral level with even the most poorly educated of his adoring fans (everyone knows it; I know it, and YOU know it, too!) I, for one, can’t wait for the restoration of wall-to-wall network coverage of his mesmerizing rallies, especially when they preempt the “fake news” my libtard friends are so addicted to watching on MSDNC!

So let’s recap, shall we?

President Trump and I both feel it is imperative that all televisions in MAGA households remain perpetually tuned to Fox News. That way, their owners will always know what the president is thinking. In fact, that’s where the president himself goes to find out the very same thing!

The president and I also agree that when confronted with a particularly knotty problem (no, not a naughty one; that’s HIS department, or should I say “his prerogative as an alpha male,” right guys?), one should always search out the simplest, most unidimensional solution possible. Whether it’s trying to decide whether or not to consume likely poisonous substances, or insert an uninsulated screwdriver into a light socket in an attempt to electrocute the Coronavirus, stop long enough to ask yourself, “What would the Donald do?” Better yet, ask, “What in the world is this man doing?” Bottom line again? Just trust his judgment. Period. End of story.

And of course, he and I both agree when the topic concerns the wearing of cheap cloth masks that make you look stupid. If you can’t afford the chic new all-but-invisible designer masks made by Ivanka (and you can’t), the solution is simple: DON’T WEAR ONE! If any deep stater has the gall to ask you why you’re not wearing a mask, simply laugh, look down your nose at him or her, and utter (with utter contempt), “What makes you think I’m NOT wearing one, you politically correct snowflake?!!” After all, how are THEY gonna know, right?

On the subject of religion, I assure you there is not a scintilla of daylight between our president and myself. Have you seen his recent proclamation that all churches, synagogues, temples, and mosques be opened forthwith, so they “mayeth be filled to overflowing with the teeming, swelling body of the faithful”? To that, I say, “Hallelujah, Brother!”

Lastly, let us not forget the value of orgiastic, mind-numbing, tongue swallowing, eyes-rolling-back-in-the-head Trump rallies. Remember that strength (among other things) is contagious, so gather up your red MAGA, KAG, and “Transition to Greatness” (seriously?) hats, your virtual, virtually invisible masks, your daily dose of hydroxychloroquine, and, of course, your dog-eared copy of “The Art of the Deal,” and get going! You’ve got a lot of social non-distancing to catch up on! Go visit your grandparents! Throw a children’s birthday party! Turn your kitchen into a makeshift mosh pit! And always be sure to serve everyone Lysol popsicles, just to be on the safe side…

But most importantly, make sure all your iPhones and iPads have the updated version of the Fox News app. That way, you won’t miss a single detail about Obamagate, deep state plans to install George Soros as fed chair, and above all, the forthcoming blockbuster expose on Hillary Clinton’s diabolical plan to kidnap Christian children and grind them into filling for Shish Barak (translation: “Barack’s Delight”).

In short, do everything the president does, and, for good measure, do whatever he SAYS to do as well. If each and every one of you just sticks to that plan, I have a feeling everything is going to work out just fine.

Because remember how we agreed that there are two ways to win an election? In the event “I manage to garner more votes than my opponent, I win. Similarly, if I manage to prevent my opponent from getting as many voters to the polls as I do…”

Well, you know the rest.

[Mark W. Bradley is a retired history teacher who lives in Northern California. He has been an antiwar activist since the 1960’s, writing and marching against every American military adventure from Vietnam to the Iraq War. His satirical articles have appeared in numerous online publications throughout the United States, as well as in New Zealand, the UK, and the Netherlands.]

July 8, 2020

Honorary Particle Physicist D. J. Trump Discovers "Want'em Mechanics"

The Missing Corollary to Quantum Mechanics

According to an iconoclastic article in the latest issue of “Science Weakly” (an online publication aimed at highly motivated [but poorly educated] science buffs), part-time honorary particle physicist Dr. D.J. Trump has finally uncovered the illusive corollary to Niels Bohr’s Quantum Theory, upon which modern subatomic physics is founded. Dr. Trump is believed to have stumbled upon the discovery of “Want’em Mechanics” (his term) while descending the stairway of Air Force One.

“As I carefully watched my fantastically beautiful and tremendously expensive black Oxfords take a series of steps toward the ground,” recounted Trump, “it suddenly occurred to me that the very act of observing the motion of my shoes could alter their position in space. Fearing that such observation on my part might very well result in my losing my balance, falling on my face, and fracturing my hair, I quit watching them and began to focus on what I want (i.e., my everyday state of mind). It was then I experienced what I call an ‘epiphany’ (a word very few people have ever heard of before). It occurred to me that just as quantum theory predicts the fixing of an electron’s position based on the act of observation, I might be able to fix electoral outcomes (not to mention world events) by wanting’em strongly enough! In other words, if I am able to harness the power of wanting, I can corral facts and fix them into alignment with my fondest wishes. All I have to do is want’em to be so, and voila!”

Dr. Trump believes that the wide-ranging implications of “Want’em Mechanics” are yet to be delineated, but he is confident that his breakthrough discovery will undoubtedly turn scientific orthodoxy on its head.

“The fact is, I developed the initial outline of ‘Want’em Theory’ as a six-year-old boy in the Queens neighborhood where I grew up,” explains Trump. “Believe it or not, at age six I was already as smart as I am today! Even then, though, I was strongly aware that I wanted everything I saw: bikes, scooters, my dad’s silk neckties, other people’s desserts, seven-year-old women, my older brother’s birthright, you name it. And because I wanted all these things (and other people were selfish enough to deny them to me), I was always searching out a plausible justification for liberating these desired items from their undeserving owners. Suddenly, it hit me. By the very act of wanting something bad enough, I might be able to fix its location right into my closet or under my bed. After extensive experimentation along these lines, I was at last ready to declare the preliminary scientific proof of my fledgling theory!

“Of course, this was only the beginning of what was to prove a lifetime of tedious, painstaking work: wanting my family’s money enough to fix its location into my bank account; wanting to transfer the ill-gotten wages of greedy subcontractors into socially beneficial causes like nonprofit casinos and affordable housing for financially strapped Saudis, then semi-permanently fixing said subcontractors in legal limbo by means of nuisance litigation; or even wanting to control women through intimidation, coercion, and sexual harassment enough to fix their “loyalty” by way of punitive nondisclosure agreements. Again, all this is time consuming and, for the most part, lonely work. But a scientist’s passion for his life’s endeavors is, in the end, its own reward. That and a boatload of cash…”

So what’s next for this intrepid, honorary degree holding science dilettante?

“Well, right now I am involved in strongly wanting a few million ballots that are being unfairly hoarded by ‘Sleepy Joe’ Biden, but which I soon hope to securely fix into their rightful place in my vote tallies.

“But after the successful conclusion of that little project, I plan to pursue my next earth- shattering discovery. I am currently hot on the heels of a heretofore unknown adjunct to the classic ‘Cause and Effect’ phenomenon. I call it ‘Effecting a Cause.’ Not to give too much away here (when I’d much prefer you to pay me for it in the form of a copy of my upcoming ghost-written book; everyone says it’s fantastic!), but the basic premise is simple: we all know that mammograms cause breast cancer, and emphysema causes cigarette smoking. That’s just common sense. So why are so many doctors resistant to the idea that Coronavirus testing causes Coronavirus? Pick up a copy of my new book, Earthquakes and the Tsunamis That Cause Them, and find out!”

Mark W. Bradley is a retired history teacher who lives in Northern California. He has been an antiwar activist since the 1960s, writing and marching against every American military adventure from Vietnam to the Iraq War. His satirical articles have appeared in numerous online publications throughout the United States, as well as in New Zealand, the UK.