FayeKane

About FayeKane

Hi, I'm Faye. My real last name isn't "Kane" though. Reading this will probably be boring, but it gets sexier. Many people have told me I'm the strangest person they ever met. I actually don't know why, because to me, I seem normal, and everybody else seems insane. My nicknames are "hey you", "gee, you're really smart!", "miss, are you okay?", and "what the hell is wrong with you?". I mainly like hyperbolic topology and astrophysics. I was the CS department valedictorian in the school ranked number 3 for computer science after MIT and CalTech. I've published in academic journals twice, and in popular computer magazines three times (for money). I'm crippled by shyness, but I'm getting better. I can talk to people face to face now, though only softly, and I can't look at them. Paradoxically, I'm quite expressive in writing, like many autistics. See, after a day of tests at the mental hospital I was illegally committed in by my mom's unethical shrink, the psychometrician told me I'm a rare example of a female autistic savant--though "idiot-savant" is far more descriptive. She MAY have been joking. I can never tell when people are joking. After she gave me a special test for smart people, she told me my IQ was 99.6th percentile. That's, like, the canonical example of false precision. As long as it's interesting, I've literally never seen anything I couldn't understand, though I learned not to talk about the stuff I like. For a long time, I didn't know everybody wasn't like that. I thought the other kids were just PRETENDING to be stupid, as another of their jokes I didn't "get". I don't know how other people can not understand something that's interesting. I literally can't see how that would be possible. Mathematics is just another language for saying stuff, like English or Assembler. I also speak Latin, BTW, and that's just another language, too. We think of it as elegant and sophisticated, but everyone who ever spoke Latin was a stupid, savage asshole. I know that because everyone who speaks every other language is a stupid, savage asshole, too. I learned to keep being smart a secret, like it's something to be ashamed of. Normal people are obsessed with pointless, destructive ego games, and they forcibly misinterpret every thing anyone says as being a statement about THEM. I don't understand that, either. It's like everybody else is an insecure little kid. That's another paradox because I hate grown0ups and that's what they are. I never picked up my diploma because it cost $35 and it wasn't interesting. On the other hand, the "valedictorian" certificate was free, and worth every penny. I stuffed it in the trash upside-down, because I can't predict when other people will get mad at me when I do stuff. This time, I was mad, because the "Gee, you're SMART" certificate didn't come with McDonald's coupons or something. It was just more bull shit praise from people who actually hate me. Sometimes I think God's fucking with me. Then I remember that mythology isn't true. I often envy stupid people because knowledge isn't power (and truth doesn't set you free), but ignorance really IS bliss. I was a nuclear engineer just to pay my bills, and I wrote the PC interface for a gamma-ray spectrometer so it can identify dangerous radioactive nuclides in 55-gallon drums that bad rich people dumped in a landfill, and software to compute skyshine dose based on variable shield geometry. I designed and built hardware to monitor neutron damage in the crystal lattice of reactor CRDMs. But I quit to see what it was like to work in a sleazy computer store. After a few months, my boss showed up at my apartment and asked me if I was ready to come back to work, as if smart people are so cool that a computer store wasn't "work". I went back, but that attitude pisses me off. NOTHING I do is "work", it's all play, everything. And that's JUST how it should be. BTW, smart people aren't "better" than anybody else. Nobody is "better". They're only better AT something, and everybody has something they're good at. I'm good at understanding stuff, but that doesn't make me "better" any more than the strong man is "better". He's only STRONGER. Being smart, even when you're nothing but helpful, only makes me understand stuff, and nothing more. Well, it also makes people hate me. So does being "cute" and sexy, believe it or not. I'll never understand grownups, and at this point, I don't want to. FUCK the grownups. "Adulthood" is a horrible childhood disease that turns even the nicest kids into evil monsters with rabies. And it's terminal. But I seem to be immune to it, like Feynman. Being "Real Smart" comes at a terrible price. I can rotate higher-dimensional objects in my mind, which is completely useless (but it's INTERESTING, see?) However I pay for it by being profoundly retarded emotionally and socially. They say a defect on chromosome 13 caused all the neurons in the left side which are supposed to be for understanding social context were stolen in-utero and integrated into the left pre frontal cortex. I finally abandoned so-called "humanity" because everyone else is either evil or stupid (though rarely both), and now I'm a homeless bumstress. I LOVE it! For 3 years I’ve lived naked in a cave in the woods hacked into the power grid, w/ my dorm fridge, heater, A/C, HDTV, wireless broadband, a VERY fast computer, festive, colored Christmas lights, and lotsa amateur torture porn where I imagine I'm the "receiver" while rubbin' my nubbin. Yeah, yeah, you don’t believe it. A) So what? B) http://tinyurl.com/kanecave C) Hah! As Hawking once said, "Wrong AGAIN, Albert!" D) FUCK you. You're a grownup. In 2002, after only having done sex once in my life, I eagerly took off all my clothes for a complete stranger who tied me to a bench for 2½ days of continuous nonstop, never-untied, no-breaks, nonconsensual sexual abuse by him, his lowlife, stupid, ugly redneck friends, their drinking buddies, and every other post-pubescent male in Brunswick. I knew I wouldn't like it, and that's just what I wanted. The redneck trailer trash sexually tortured me while I screamed through my gag and pleaded with them to stop, then they gleefully raped me in every conceivable way while I cried with a black ball in by mouth and without any kleenex. Being sexually used immediately after torture was the pivotal event in my life, a wonderful religious-like revelation that induced me to remember WTF I really am: an ANIMAL, who's only reason for existing is to be forcibly mated, produce better copies of me and my rapists, then fall over dead. Thus has it always been, thus it shall forever be. Until Skynet takes over. Fuck Steinam. Paglia was right. For that matter, so was Magneto. The rest of you geeks need to remember WTF you really are too, instead of hiding from it because mommy said those were "bad feelings" you should be ashamed of. In fact, sex, which used to both embarrass and terrify me, is kind of like my religion now, with the black monolith from 2001 substituting for whatever caused the universe and life and evolution—its origin and purpose, still, a TOTAL mystery. Here's the true story of my redemption: http://tinyurl.com/myepiphany