General Discussion

MineralMan

(151,370 posts)

40. Well, I was lucky, I guess.

Mon Jan 15, 2018, 02:27 PM

Jan 2018

My first real girlfriend had no trouble at all communicating. We were very young and very new to all of that stuff. Right away, she made it clear that all that stuff was very interesting to her, but that she was uncomfortable with moving too fast in the direction we were heading. Basically, she said, "We'll probably do lots of stuff, but I don't want to be pushed."

We liked each other a lot. So, I heard what she said, and understood it. We were together as a couple for two years, and we did "do lots of stuff." But, only when we were both comfortable with it. Both. It all made perfect sense to me, even as a 15 year old boy. That's when I adopted the "enthusiastic consent" rule. It has always been the rule for me. It has worked out just fine.

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Pro Tip for Men: Only Enthusiastic Consent is Consent. Here Is a Guide: [View all] MineralMan Jan 2018 OP

Is this a textbook example of "mansplaining"? Vinnie From Indy Jan 2018 #1

No, it's ridiculous nonsense. Drahthaardogs Jan 2018 #2

Thanks! Vinnie From Indy Jan 2018 #4

"same writing style and syntax as elsewhere The similarities are quite striking. LanternWaste Jan 2018 #50

Correct! IluvPitties Jan 2018 #7

Only if he's "mansplaining" to men wryter2000 Jan 2018 #35

No, Vinnie. "Mansplaining" is addressed to women by men. This is addressed to men by a man. nt Hekate Jan 2018 #55

No, this is actually the textbook example Sailor65x1 Jan 2018 #57

You've nailed it. SixString Jan 2018 #64

I don't have a problem with "virtue signalling" dawg day Jan 2018 #103

Not when it's to men. If you want, read Yes Means Yes. moriah Jan 2018 #104

I'm glad I am a) married and b) no longer of dating age. JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #3

Agree with you wholeheartedly Quemado Jan 2018 #5

Making mike pense proud. Merlot Jan 2018 #8

Why? treestar Jan 2018 #10

Let me set the scene for you. JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #26

You think a woman would make up the story in #1 treestar Jan 2018 #54

More likely than not? JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #59

Well, if it is that bad treestar Jan 2018 #65

And yet Franken is no longer in the Senate. nt JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #76

Franken was never accused or rape or involved with the courts treestar Jan 2018 #78

And yet he was excoriated by his peers, JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #80

False rape accusations are rare. MrsCoffee Jan 2018 #75

I'm not accusing anyone of false accusations. JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #79

"If you commit rape you are not entitled to a defense, you are fired from your job as soon as you... MrsCoffee Jan 2018 #94

I think this only applies to men in high places treestar Jan 2018 #123

But the problem is there never HAS been a true "justice system" for rape victims. moriah Jan 2018 #128

That's what's called a "false equivalance." JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #132

Are you so much of a public figure that anyone COULD "bypass the justice system" for you? moriah Jan 2018 #133

The post you are respnding to does not mention fear or false accusaton. JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #136

The "scenes" you painted earlier in the thread explained your fears accurately enough. moriah Jan 2018 #139

70,394 men were convicted of rape in 2012 alone. nt JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #137

And 2012 was the same year the police botched my case. moriah Jan 2018 #138

And what percentage of those do you think were innocent? MineralMan Jan 2018 #140

Actually, I'm even trying to find those numbers. moriah Jan 2018 #143

In any case, that poster seems to believe that there are a lot of MineralMan Jan 2018 #144

I'm honestly more weirded out about someone saying they don't know how.... moriah Jan 2018 #145

Yes. I talk to people all the time in supermarkets. Men and women. MineralMan Jan 2018 #146

And FWIW, thanks for this thread, even if it's been triggering and contentious. moriah Jan 2018 #149

About the only instruction I got from my parents about sex was, MineralMan Jan 2018 #150

I understand his fear misanthrope Jan 2018 #62

That is true; especially if you handle divorce or custody treestar Jan 2018 #66

This refers to the story where the woman went home after removing her clothes Demsrule86 Jan 2018 #97

What is "Today's Climate"? Because my rapist certainly didn't suffer any consequences. moriah Jan 2018 #127

I'm glad Stanley Roper Jan 2018 #24

Weird, I don't have that fear mythology Jan 2018 #56

Totally agree. nt LAS14 Jan 2018 #92

Yes or No is probably the best for both parties to avoid any confusion inwiththenew Jan 2018 #6

You could look at it that way, sure. MineralMan Jan 2018 #20

And if, at any time, it goes sour, the man is powerless. JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #29

See, here's the thing: Why would that occur? MineralMan Jan 2018 #36

Wouldn't it be lovely. JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #58

agreed... the pendulum is swinging the other way mitch96 Jan 2018 #41

That's because you forgot the cardinal rule Sailor65x1 Jan 2018 #46

Women are typically raised to not speak in direct, assertive ways and to tblue37 Jan 2018 #21

You're right, of course. MineralMan Jan 2018 #44

Agree with second paragraph treestar Jan 2018 #70

This was probably true in the 40's and 50's LOL snooper2 Jan 2018 #125

Gosh, we need an app! DavidDvorkin Jan 2018 #9

There's one already installed in your head. MineralMan Jan 2018 #18

There is an app for that. sl8 Jan 2018 #71

Common sense and an open heart will take you far. IluvPitties Jan 2018 #11

I saw a smart guy say... Cracklin Charlie Jan 2018 #12

Yeah, it is amazing how some people have no problems reading the body language and speech KitSileya Jan 2018 #13

So when my wife says D_Master81 Jan 2018 #14

I don't know your wife. You could ask her what she means by that, though. MineralMan Jan 2018 #17

Then, why is "some guy" even bothering with this thread? pintobean Jan 2018 #31

What rejection? MineralMan Jan 2018 #43

If that is what she says treestar Jan 2018 #69

I never heard your wife say that to me.... PCIntern Jan 2018 #96

THIS: "finally giving up and giving in." nt tblue37 Jan 2018 #15

Sadly, that happens all the time. It shouldn't. MineralMan Jan 2018 #16

I think many men would be surprised at how often women give in and have tblue37 Jan 2018 #22

Yup. Sadly, I think you're right. MineralMan Jan 2018 #27

That's scary! It's easier to tell them to fuck off! IluvPitties Jan 2018 #28

And men don't do the same for women? tymorial Jan 2018 #51

The pestering is not very sexy or romantic treestar Jan 2018 #68

Or just walk away mitch96 Jan 2018 #42

You mean I can't just whack her over the head with club and drag her to my cave?! ProudLib72 Jan 2018 #19

Hmm...I don't recommend that, really. MineralMan Jan 2018 #23

This message was self-deleted by its author Stanley Roper Jan 2018 #33

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the idea of communication ProudLib72 Jan 2018 #37

Well, I was lucky, I guess. MineralMan Jan 2018 #40

I'm in trouble titaniumsalute Jan 2018 #25

Uh-Oh... MineralMan Jan 2018 #30

Yeah I know titaniumsalute Jan 2018 #45

Yes, and I knew that, too. MineralMan Jan 2018 #47

That is definitely spouse-speak. EllieBC Jan 2018 #60

Mine is more titaniumsalute Jan 2018 #63

I think one time I said, EllieBC Jan 2018 #90

Good Lord I'd never suggest to interrupt GOT LOL titaniumsalute Jan 2018 #95

When alcohol is involved, which often is the case with college students, The Velveteen Ocelot Jan 2018 #32

True. While alcohol can reduce inhibitions, it can also MineralMan Jan 2018 #38

I can definitely see how that can happen NewJeffCT Jan 2018 #110

That was a good move on your part. MineralMan Jan 2018 #120

I like the idea of men raising the bar a bit in this way. Chemisse Jan 2018 #34

It has always worked for me. MineralMan Jan 2018 #39

Lotta whining on this thread ismnotwasm Jan 2018 #48

Those rules are inconvenient for some, I guess. MineralMan Jan 2018 #52

What the actual fuck? LexVegas Jan 2018 #49

Indeed. What, indeed? MineralMan Jan 2018 #53

Just make sure the forms are signed in triplicate and notarized misanthrope Jan 2018 #61

NDAs also... IluvPitties Jan 2018 #67

So "playing hard to get" is no longer a thing oberliner Jan 2018 #72

I don't know, actually. MineralMan Jan 2018 #73

Thanks for sharing your perspective oberliner Jan 2018 #74

Good question. I think that applies mostly to MineralMan Jan 2018 #77

Playing hard-to-get is a no. Bucky Jan 2018 #155

I agree with this thread. PoorMonger Jan 2018 #81

Thanks for your reply. MineralMan Jan 2018 #83

Get a sexual contract. Rustyeye77 Jan 2018 #82

That's one solution. It's not for everyone, though. MineralMan Jan 2018 #84

The trouble is... Rustyeye77 Jan 2018 #85

I've never encountered anything like that. Have you? MineralMan Jan 2018 #86

No I havent. Rustyeye77 Jan 2018 #87

Well, being fearful of unlikely things is MineralMan Jan 2018 #88

Good advice. Rustyeye77 Jan 2018 #89

I think that requiring "enthusiastic consent" ignores the.... LAS14 Jan 2018 #91

Actually, I think it empowers women. MineralMan Jan 2018 #93

If I went back to a guy's apartment after a date, I was considering having sex or Demsrule86 Jan 2018 #98

The Azis Ansari story seems to me to be a series MineralMan Jan 2018 #107

I agree. I would have ended the evening too...and taken Demsrule86 Jan 2018 #108

Yeah, when the guy who raped me said I "couldn't say" I wasn't interested... moriah Jan 2018 #111

Read "Yes Means Yes" and maybe you'll understand why it's necessary. moriah Jan 2018 #105

Might as well just avoid all women at this point nt ansible Jan 2018 #99

Why? That makes no sense. MineralMan Jan 2018 #102

If you can't get laid without whining and nagging until she gives in, you're probably right. Nt moriah Jan 2018 #106

Is going up to an apartment after a date some R B Garr Jan 2018 #100

It's just consent to go up to an apartment to continue MineralMan Jan 2018 #101

And that's how it should be treated. In this case, though, it sounds like he R B Garr Jan 2018 #115

Not everyone gets it, apparently. MineralMan Jan 2018 #117

Well, in my case, the "contradictory signal".. moriah Jan 2018 #109

Well, drugging someone is obviously different than what this woman R B Garr Jan 2018 #113

It wasn't drugging -- I was blitzed from voluntary alcohol consumption. moriah Jan 2018 #119

Yes! It does sound that way, that he wanted to exert some power over you. R B Garr Jan 2018 #122

It shouldn't be TexasBushwhacker Jan 2018 #114

Exactly, it just places you in a more vulnerable position and potentially defensive R B Garr Jan 2018 #116

I think Aziz's anonymous date just got carried away TexasBushwhacker Jan 2018 #118

That was my sense of it, too. She wanted more of an emotional connection R B Garr Jan 2018 #121

#TimesUp was used at the Golden Globes TexasBushwhacker Jan 2018 #129

Oh! Thanks. I've not heard a lot about that hashtag yet, apparently. She R B Garr Jan 2018 #130

Aziz was wearing the pin when he accepted his Golden Globe TexasBushwhacker Jan 2018 #131

Yeah, I'd avoid the apartment treestar Jan 2018 #124

Most of these seem common sense NewJeffCT Jan 2018 #112

I saw this line on an old b/w Western....I copied it down because it makes sense.... samnsara Jan 2018 #126

Why men only? fescuerescue Jan 2018 #134

Been reading this tread since it started and really have nothing to add GulfCoast66 Jan 2018 #135

You have fans Gothmog Jan 2018 #141

I'm glad someone copied and pasted my post. MineralMan Jan 2018 #147

Did you recognize any of the DI posters ? Gothmog Jan 2018 #152

Yes. The usual group. MineralMan Jan 2018 #153

I am happily married and have been for a long time Orange Free State Jan 2018 #142

That's very sad for you, really. MineralMan Jan 2018 #148

This needs explaining? KPN Jan 2018 #151

Enthusiastic consent is great for the ego, but... Bucky Jan 2018 #154