The Aziz Ansari thing made me realize how I had no clue how to act on a date [View all]

[nadine_mn]

Full disclosure...I am no fan of Ansari

I am 45 and been married close to 20 yrs, so I guess that puts me in "married old fart" category. I have had 3 consensual sexual partners, my husband has had 2. He was my 2nd "real" boyfriend, I was his 1st "real" girlfriend (as in we had each fooled around at college, parties, bars etc before meeting each other, but nothing really serious).

We had *zero* game. It was a fricking miracle that we even went out on a first date, much less ever managed to get married. Our awkwardness was pretty epic. His parents NEVER showed affection to each other in front of him, whereas my mom had been married and divorced 4 times by the time we met, but she also was rarely without some type of male companion. At times I was overexposed to affectionate displays. Neither of us had parents that explained to us how to interact on a date, rules of courtship all the crap so we were left to our own devices.

We were both pretty introverted in school, and so were our friends so we didn't learn anything from them.

Talking to my husband last night, I said you know honestly...everything I know about how to act "romantically" I learned from romance novels, tv (esp soap operas) and movies. I probably didn't date much in high school due to the lack of widowed tall dark handsome men who needed a governess to raise his children (yeah, I read a LOT of period romance novels).

THE most important tv romance in my youth was the wedding of a woman and her rapist with a heart of gold...Luke and Laura on General Hospital.

Nearly every book, movie, tv show..had the woman playing hard to get, the man not taking no for answer, and her realizing that yes...she really did love this man who was forcing himself on her in same way.

Someone in other threads mentioned "enthusiastic consent" - which is a sure way to get called a slut. Not at all saying that's right...on the contrary that is the way it is supposed to be. But if a woman likes sexual contact (hell not even full out sex, just kissing) - she's loose, easy, slutty etc. I am glad to see that attitude is changing..but it was very prevalent when I was younger.

Worse, men who are polite and respectful were mocked. I mentioned my husband's inexperience ... our first date he asked if he could hug me, if he could hold my hand...our second date he asked me if he could kiss me. All of these things are EXACTLY the way it should be. But, seemed so weird to me...so I asked my friends...they also thought it was weird. The consensus became (with female and male friends) that clearly he was gay. Oh and this wasn't silly high school belief...I was in my 20's and in law school.

I have no idea how people...esp the younguns of today...navigate interpersonal relationships, where they get their role models from etc. I do know that media in general has shitty misogynistic viewpoint that is taking way too long to change.

Back to the Ansari story...it reads more to me like a horrific date with 2 people with vastly different expectations on what was going to happen. And really, really shitty communication...not just speaking clearly what the person wanted or didn't want but also not listening. The woman wrote about her verbal cues being missed...well she was also ignoring a lot of verbal and non verbal cues being directed at her. You can consent to something and then realize eww didn't like it...but that doesn't make it sexual assault. It is possible to consent and have regrets afterwards. It is important to understand when someone pushes you away, take that as a sign to stop..not try again or in a different way.

The whole point of this rambling post is really to say..there are a lot of people who have no clue how to interact with others.

My husband and I still have awkward interactions...but now it's just part of what makes our marriage awesome, we are still figuring out things together.