The Aziz Ansari thing made me realize how I had no clue how to act on a date

[hunter]

58. Prior to meeting my wife, I'm way out in the fringes of awkward relationships.

Deep into the clueless Autistic Spectrum weirdness.

My first significant relationship was a Twighlight Zone / Black Mirror version of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. She was the kind of woman who thought Eraserhead was a good date movie.

Thank God we never married. She was dating me to prove to herself and her family she wasn't queer. Maybe I knew something was off, so I never introduced her to my parents.

We met when I was living in the computer labs. Literally. All my stuff in my car and a gym locker. Her pickup line was "You need to eat." She was right too. I did need to eat. She was attracted to starving waifs, mostly women, but sometimes men like me.

We broke up when I jumped out of her moving car in Berkeley, me a possible accessory to a her felony assault of a bad man in the rescue of the girlfriend she eventually married, a woman who had tried to kill herself in my bathtub, the first naked woman I'd ever touched.

I did escape with my virginity intact. My girlfriend had grown up in an Orthodox household and was "saving" herself for marriage, but her fucking other women somehow didn't count towards that. No penis, no foul.

In middle school and high school the bullies called me "queerbait" and would sometimes beat me bloody. In high school I never dated, never went to a dance or prom. I quit high school for college as gracefully as I could, at the tender age of sixteen, which is one of the better decisions I've made in my life.

But the following decade got weird. It took me nine years to graduate from college. Ran around naked a bit, have photos and drawings of me young and hot, but nobody ever touched me beyond holding hands, a couple of kisses, and footsies under the table, not until I met my wife.