General Discussion

moriah

(8,312 posts)

111. Yeah, when the guy who raped me said I "couldn't say" I wasn't interested...

Wed Jan 17, 2018, 10:54 AM

Jan 2018

... in having sex in that night up-front, I probably should have left, too. And I started to.

He was an ex who'd invited me over to hang out as friends after work on what was my Friday night (shift work). When I saw he was already drinking and invited me to have some, that's when I said my intent about us not being in bed together. When I nearly left, he said "Okay, okay, I won't try anything", and had invited another friend over too.

I passed out on the couch while both were still there, when I knew I'd had more than enough I went to the couch and said "goodnight".

But I'm still not going to blame myself for *not* leaving, even though of course I wish I had. I was prepared to leave rather than drink with someone who didn't understand and accept I wanted to sleep alone. I didn't get in his bed voluntarily, didn't take off my clothes, didn't apparently even fucking move when he carried me to his bedroom.

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Pro Tip for Men: Only Enthusiastic Consent is Consent. Here Is a Guide: [View all] MineralMan Jan 2018 OP

Is this a textbook example of "mansplaining"? Vinnie From Indy Jan 2018 #1

No, it's ridiculous nonsense. Drahthaardogs Jan 2018 #2

Thanks! Vinnie From Indy Jan 2018 #4

"same writing style and syntax as elsewhere The similarities are quite striking. LanternWaste Jan 2018 #50

Correct! IluvPitties Jan 2018 #7

Only if he's "mansplaining" to men wryter2000 Jan 2018 #35

No, Vinnie. "Mansplaining" is addressed to women by men. This is addressed to men by a man. nt Hekate Jan 2018 #55

No, this is actually the textbook example Sailor65x1 Jan 2018 #57

You've nailed it. SixString Jan 2018 #64

I don't have a problem with "virtue signalling" dawg day Jan 2018 #103

Not when it's to men. If you want, read Yes Means Yes. moriah Jan 2018 #104

I'm glad I am a) married and b) no longer of dating age. JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #3

Agree with you wholeheartedly Quemado Jan 2018 #5

Making mike pense proud. Merlot Jan 2018 #8

Why? treestar Jan 2018 #10

Let me set the scene for you. JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #26

You think a woman would make up the story in #1 treestar Jan 2018 #54

More likely than not? JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #59

Well, if it is that bad treestar Jan 2018 #65

And yet Franken is no longer in the Senate. nt JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #76

Franken was never accused or rape or involved with the courts treestar Jan 2018 #78

And yet he was excoriated by his peers, JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #80

False rape accusations are rare. MrsCoffee Jan 2018 #75

I'm not accusing anyone of false accusations. JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #79

"If you commit rape you are not entitled to a defense, you are fired from your job as soon as you... MrsCoffee Jan 2018 #94

I think this only applies to men in high places treestar Jan 2018 #123

But the problem is there never HAS been a true "justice system" for rape victims. moriah Jan 2018 #128

That's what's called a "false equivalance." JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #132

Are you so much of a public figure that anyone COULD "bypass the justice system" for you? moriah Jan 2018 #133

The post you are respnding to does not mention fear or false accusaton. JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #136

The "scenes" you painted earlier in the thread explained your fears accurately enough. moriah Jan 2018 #139

70,394 men were convicted of rape in 2012 alone. nt JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #137

And 2012 was the same year the police botched my case. moriah Jan 2018 #138

And what percentage of those do you think were innocent? MineralMan Jan 2018 #140

Actually, I'm even trying to find those numbers. moriah Jan 2018 #143

In any case, that poster seems to believe that there are a lot of MineralMan Jan 2018 #144

I'm honestly more weirded out about someone saying they don't know how.... moriah Jan 2018 #145

Yes. I talk to people all the time in supermarkets. Men and women. MineralMan Jan 2018 #146

And FWIW, thanks for this thread, even if it's been triggering and contentious. moriah Jan 2018 #149

About the only instruction I got from my parents about sex was, MineralMan Jan 2018 #150

I understand his fear misanthrope Jan 2018 #62

That is true; especially if you handle divorce or custody treestar Jan 2018 #66

This refers to the story where the woman went home after removing her clothes Demsrule86 Jan 2018 #97

What is "Today's Climate"? Because my rapist certainly didn't suffer any consequences. moriah Jan 2018 #127

I'm glad Stanley Roper Jan 2018 #24

Weird, I don't have that fear mythology Jan 2018 #56

Totally agree. nt LAS14 Jan 2018 #92

Yes or No is probably the best for both parties to avoid any confusion inwiththenew Jan 2018 #6

You could look at it that way, sure. MineralMan Jan 2018 #20

And if, at any time, it goes sour, the man is powerless. JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #29

See, here's the thing: Why would that occur? MineralMan Jan 2018 #36

Wouldn't it be lovely. JayhawkSD Jan 2018 #58

agreed... the pendulum is swinging the other way mitch96 Jan 2018 #41

That's because you forgot the cardinal rule Sailor65x1 Jan 2018 #46

Women are typically raised to not speak in direct, assertive ways and to tblue37 Jan 2018 #21

You're right, of course. MineralMan Jan 2018 #44

Agree with second paragraph treestar Jan 2018 #70

This was probably true in the 40's and 50's LOL snooper2 Jan 2018 #125

Gosh, we need an app! DavidDvorkin Jan 2018 #9

There's one already installed in your head. MineralMan Jan 2018 #18

There is an app for that. sl8 Jan 2018 #71

Common sense and an open heart will take you far. IluvPitties Jan 2018 #11

I saw a smart guy say... Cracklin Charlie Jan 2018 #12

Yeah, it is amazing how some people have no problems reading the body language and speech KitSileya Jan 2018 #13

So when my wife says D_Master81 Jan 2018 #14

I don't know your wife. You could ask her what she means by that, though. MineralMan Jan 2018 #17

Then, why is "some guy" even bothering with this thread? pintobean Jan 2018 #31

What rejection? MineralMan Jan 2018 #43

If that is what she says treestar Jan 2018 #69

I never heard your wife say that to me.... PCIntern Jan 2018 #96

THIS: "finally giving up and giving in." nt tblue37 Jan 2018 #15

Sadly, that happens all the time. It shouldn't. MineralMan Jan 2018 #16

I think many men would be surprised at how often women give in and have tblue37 Jan 2018 #22

Yup. Sadly, I think you're right. MineralMan Jan 2018 #27

That's scary! It's easier to tell them to fuck off! IluvPitties Jan 2018 #28

And men don't do the same for women? tymorial Jan 2018 #51

The pestering is not very sexy or romantic treestar Jan 2018 #68

Or just walk away mitch96 Jan 2018 #42

You mean I can't just whack her over the head with club and drag her to my cave?! ProudLib72 Jan 2018 #19

Hmm...I don't recommend that, really. MineralMan Jan 2018 #23

This message was self-deleted by its author Stanley Roper Jan 2018 #33

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the idea of communication ProudLib72 Jan 2018 #37

Well, I was lucky, I guess. MineralMan Jan 2018 #40

I'm in trouble titaniumsalute Jan 2018 #25

Uh-Oh... MineralMan Jan 2018 #30

Yeah I know titaniumsalute Jan 2018 #45

Yes, and I knew that, too. MineralMan Jan 2018 #47

That is definitely spouse-speak. EllieBC Jan 2018 #60

Mine is more titaniumsalute Jan 2018 #63

I think one time I said, EllieBC Jan 2018 #90

Good Lord I'd never suggest to interrupt GOT LOL titaniumsalute Jan 2018 #95

When alcohol is involved, which often is the case with college students, The Velveteen Ocelot Jan 2018 #32

True. While alcohol can reduce inhibitions, it can also MineralMan Jan 2018 #38

I can definitely see how that can happen NewJeffCT Jan 2018 #110

That was a good move on your part. MineralMan Jan 2018 #120

I like the idea of men raising the bar a bit in this way. Chemisse Jan 2018 #34

It has always worked for me. MineralMan Jan 2018 #39

Lotta whining on this thread ismnotwasm Jan 2018 #48

Those rules are inconvenient for some, I guess. MineralMan Jan 2018 #52

What the actual fuck? LexVegas Jan 2018 #49

Indeed. What, indeed? MineralMan Jan 2018 #53

Just make sure the forms are signed in triplicate and notarized misanthrope Jan 2018 #61

NDAs also... IluvPitties Jan 2018 #67

So "playing hard to get" is no longer a thing oberliner Jan 2018 #72

I don't know, actually. MineralMan Jan 2018 #73

Thanks for sharing your perspective oberliner Jan 2018 #74

Good question. I think that applies mostly to MineralMan Jan 2018 #77

Playing hard-to-get is a no. Bucky Jan 2018 #155

I agree with this thread. PoorMonger Jan 2018 #81

Thanks for your reply. MineralMan Jan 2018 #83

Get a sexual contract. Rustyeye77 Jan 2018 #82

That's one solution. It's not for everyone, though. MineralMan Jan 2018 #84

The trouble is... Rustyeye77 Jan 2018 #85

I've never encountered anything like that. Have you? MineralMan Jan 2018 #86

No I havent. Rustyeye77 Jan 2018 #87

Well, being fearful of unlikely things is MineralMan Jan 2018 #88

Good advice. Rustyeye77 Jan 2018 #89

I think that requiring "enthusiastic consent" ignores the.... LAS14 Jan 2018 #91

Actually, I think it empowers women. MineralMan Jan 2018 #93

If I went back to a guy's apartment after a date, I was considering having sex or Demsrule86 Jan 2018 #98

The Azis Ansari story seems to me to be a series MineralMan Jan 2018 #107

I agree. I would have ended the evening too...and taken Demsrule86 Jan 2018 #108

Yeah, when the guy who raped me said I "couldn't say" I wasn't interested... moriah Jan 2018 #111

Read "Yes Means Yes" and maybe you'll understand why it's necessary. moriah Jan 2018 #105

Might as well just avoid all women at this point nt ansible Jan 2018 #99

Why? That makes no sense. MineralMan Jan 2018 #102

If you can't get laid without whining and nagging until she gives in, you're probably right. Nt moriah Jan 2018 #106

Is going up to an apartment after a date some R B Garr Jan 2018 #100

It's just consent to go up to an apartment to continue MineralMan Jan 2018 #101

And that's how it should be treated. In this case, though, it sounds like he R B Garr Jan 2018 #115

Not everyone gets it, apparently. MineralMan Jan 2018 #117

Well, in my case, the "contradictory signal".. moriah Jan 2018 #109

Well, drugging someone is obviously different than what this woman R B Garr Jan 2018 #113

It wasn't drugging -- I was blitzed from voluntary alcohol consumption. moriah Jan 2018 #119

Yes! It does sound that way, that he wanted to exert some power over you. R B Garr Jan 2018 #122

It shouldn't be TexasBushwhacker Jan 2018 #114

Exactly, it just places you in a more vulnerable position and potentially defensive R B Garr Jan 2018 #116

I think Aziz's anonymous date just got carried away TexasBushwhacker Jan 2018 #118

That was my sense of it, too. She wanted more of an emotional connection R B Garr Jan 2018 #121

#TimesUp was used at the Golden Globes TexasBushwhacker Jan 2018 #129

Oh! Thanks. I've not heard a lot about that hashtag yet, apparently. She R B Garr Jan 2018 #130

Aziz was wearing the pin when he accepted his Golden Globe TexasBushwhacker Jan 2018 #131

Yeah, I'd avoid the apartment treestar Jan 2018 #124

Most of these seem common sense NewJeffCT Jan 2018 #112

I saw this line on an old b/w Western....I copied it down because it makes sense.... samnsara Jan 2018 #126

Why men only? fescuerescue Jan 2018 #134

Been reading this tread since it started and really have nothing to add GulfCoast66 Jan 2018 #135

You have fans Gothmog Jan 2018 #141

I'm glad someone copied and pasted my post. MineralMan Jan 2018 #147

Did you recognize any of the DI posters ? Gothmog Jan 2018 #152

Yes. The usual group. MineralMan Jan 2018 #153

I am happily married and have been for a long time Orange Free State Jan 2018 #142

That's very sad for you, really. MineralMan Jan 2018 #148

This needs explaining? KPN Jan 2018 #151

Enthusiastic consent is great for the ego, but... Bucky Jan 2018 #154