I might have been that woman, except that I'm younger, shorter, and not blonde. I managed to grow up (despite my parents' best efforts and the efforts of the entire Catholic establishment) without a single inhibition regarding sexuality.
I like to joke that I never really dated anyone. I decided first whether I wanted sex with that person, and if that worked out, then we could start dating. It's only sort of a joke.
In short, I was never inhibited about saying what I wanted sexually. I propositioned guys as often as they did me. I always saw that as a two-way street. When two people are into each other, there's not much that can keep them apart. Enthusiastic consent is pretty obvious.
But, the similarity ended there. If they guy demurred, or indicated in some way he wasn't into a sexual encounter--at whatever stage we were at, dressed or not, I stopped and said, "okay, sorry, maybe next time" or words to that effect. The demurral didn't need to be verbal. There was, and is, no ambiguity when you're in intimate circumstances, about whether your partner wants to continue, or pursue an activity. And if, on some rare occasion, there is a lack of clarity, you stop and ask. Are you cool with this? Should we wait for another time? I was disappointed a number of times, because there were some guys I really liked, but I got the feeling that my sexual forthrightness was more than they could handle. Their loss (I'm happily married now).
It did not work that way in reverse. I might go home with a guy and something about the situation turned me off or didn't feel right. One time I'd drunk too much and said I couldn't go on because I was drunk and just needed to sleep. Too bad. I got fucked anyway. He yammered away until I finally said, "oh okay, whatever, just let me sleep." (Enthusiastic consent!) One time I got a bad vibe and decided to leave. Guy lost his shit and called me all kinds of names. I had to remind him that my presence in his bedroom did not automatically entitle him to intercourse, but he didn't see it that way, and he made sure all of his friends knew about the c*** who was a tease.
It was the 80s. I assumed that being raped while drunk was my own fault, and I kicked myself about it for years. I didn't even call it a rape for the longest time. It was "that time I was stupid." Which I undoubtedly was, but that doesn't excuse Mr. X for not tucking me in and asking again in the morning, when I might have said yes. Instead of a good outcome with both partners getting what they wanted (eventually, probably), I detested the guy thereafter, AND felt shitty forever about the incident.
I am not in the judging business. I'm not going to pass judgment on when and whether Mr. Ansari's date "should have" given it all up for a bad job. He acted like an ass, and worse. Whether that behavior was a result of his own sense of entitlement as a famous person, general cluelessness, or something else, is not for me to figure out. As a supposedly "woke" man, he didn't walk the walk. Nobody in that apartment had any good sex that night, and that is a damn shame, because it didn't have to be that way.
Good sex isn't transactional unless you're doing it with a sex worker who may or may not be enjoying it. Good sex is dirty, and fun, and messy, and amazing. If one person is "giving in" or "giving up" or going along just to get out of a situation where they're uncomfortable, that sex has moved into the category of transactional. When power enters the equation, eroticism flies out the window (unless you're in a consensual BDSM relationship). There is plenty of good, healthy sex to be had out there, if people would just PAY ATTENTION. Situational awareness, people.
I realize this is way more than my allotted $0.02, but this is a topic that is close to my heart. Thank you for posting, MM. You sound like a gem.
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