Question for all the male members of DU

[Orrex]

83. Your post has generated an unfair amount of blowback

I can't speak for all the male members of DU, nor am I qualified to speak on behalf of sexual predators, but here's my response to your question:

In short, there is no one answer explaining why abusers commit abuse, so there is no single answer that can satisfy the question when asked by each victim.

Some abusers were abused themselves, some suffer a mental illness, some become corrupted by their position of (comparative) power, some fail to control their impulses, some act out of resentment or jealousy, some get off on "getting away with it," some simply want to hurt somebody, and so on. There are, at the end of the day, as many motivations as there are abusers.

That's not a satisfying response, I know, but each case truly is different. The only two constants, in fact, are these:

1. The abuser is entirely responsible for committing the abuse
2. The victim is not at all responsible for suffering the abuse

#2 is especially important, because some boneheaded observers will stupidly blame a victim who declines to report the abuse. These observers argue that the victim bears some responsibility if the abuser subsequently abuses other victims, but that is 100% bullshit (except in cases where the victim actually bears legal responsibility for another victim, such as a child or a disabled adult).

Otherwise, the victim's sole responsibility is to herself or to himself.

I'm sorry that you suffered this experience, and I commend you both for surviving it and for having the courage to discuss it.


I truly wish you the best of luck. I hope that you find answers that help you in your continued healing.